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2,230 Public Reviews Given
2,555 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am meticulous about trying to give some useful pointers as feedback, if not about writing, at least about what I felt when I read the piece. I will not do line-by-line edits but will give examples of the typos or errors, if seen at all. I prefer not to read explicit details or abusive language although I will review anything asked, personal preference disregarded. My own forte is for writing short stories, observational humour. But if I review what is outside my capacity or comfort zone, I research the norms before commenting. I do not intend to hurt or denigrate, for I respect writing too much to do so. Nor do I feel I review except as fellow word-lover and writing-student. If I forget a commitment, feel free to knock on my door to remind me!
I'm good at...
... virtually nothing except honesty in attempt to be of help!
Favorite Genres
Comedy, Children's, Fantasy, Crime/Thriller, Romance ... as far as reading goes!
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica and Dark Dark stuff!
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Poetry at a pinch, but not from any ability as poet.
Least Favorite Item Types
Scripts, Essays, Others! What is an other? If you don't know, how can I tell?
I will not review...
GC and XGC stuff, 18+ is my limit I also have an aversion to slang, swear words, yucky stuff that does not push the story forward!
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 3 4 -5- 6 7 8 9 10 ... Next
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Review of The Blue Mustang  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello anastasia beyverhausen Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: I like flash fiction, they are the subtle hors d'oeuvres of writing. The title is short but tells us of a specific make and colour of car, it must be germane to the story, but how? That was enough to make me plunge right in. I know some people who prefer shorter works so that the reviews can be kept short and sweet too, but that's not my motive!

*Flower5* The General Impression: All the required elements are in there, a difficult thing to do with such restrictive word limitations. Problem, Conflict and Resolution. Characters, Description and Setting. Beginning, Middle and End. Cut it which way you want, all the layers are visible. A story of revenge, the quote about it being a dish best enjoyed cold would perhaps make a better intro than the message 'contest entry' that currently forms the intro.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: It had a twist in the tail, the tale had a twist. I enjoy being misdirected if I am not driving. The tale had little time to do more than show us a bizarre action, give us a bit of back-story to justify it and last, zoom in on the unexpected result. Good work. The dialogue was deft, even the internal dialogue, to get this right is to make the action work better.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: I have read 55 word stories that got it in, so it should not be all that difficult. A tad more descriptive work, especially for the characters? We know they are identical twins, that was a deft touch, but what did they look like? .(Other than each other?*Laugh*) A couple of words - eyes, hair, build - would do.


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:
Michelle is spelled as Michelee at one point, a typo? "Michelee had been stood up by Josh Baine ..."




Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1534744 Unavailable **
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Review of Wedding Proposal  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello anastasia beyverhausen Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: This one had an intro that effectively enhanced and raised expectations

*Flower5* The General Impression: So Page Six is the space for Society News? Here we call it Page Three. A capsule of observations about a particular set of people, one evidently not admired by the author.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: It builds up the tension and then releases it at the end with the 'upset'. It gave a 'spoiled brat' a taste of what she normally dished out to others. The characters were caricatured well, we hated the woman as soon as she started throwing tantrums, we rejoiced in knowing that her humiliation was certain.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: The names Stanhope and Stanford are similar enough to confuse, if there no reason not to, consider changing one of them. For each of these has different roles, one is both confidante and the one with an ace up his sleeve, the other is the intended bridegroom.

Why did Stanford sound sheepish when asking her when Stanhope proposed? Or have I misunderstood the meaning of 'sheepish'? Why was he 'sounding a little pressured' - was he abrupt? Or did he break off to talk to someone else and then resume the conversation? Would it be enough if you say he sounded ill at ease and not his normal ebullient self?

The denouement is expected, the twist is trite enough to be a proclaimed detour. Make it about someone unexpected, say a cruise ship stewardess or the Ski Resort nurse.



*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:
It is hard to fit all suggestions into a 300 word or less story, yet there were bits where the description could have been condensed and some other details added:

"Erica could not control her excitement any longer.

"Paul bought a ring," she screamed."

Now, if you just said 'Erica blurted', the feeling of not being able to contain excitement is expressed. The screaming reiterates what you already mention. I think you could then add a line about how long they had been seeing each other - why she thinks she is the girl to whom he will propose? Maybe: 'After all, we're both from the same class and cut, that always matters.'


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1534744 Unavailable **
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In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello anastasia beyverhausen Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: Yes, there is a Friendship Code, like the Bro Code or even the Omerta of the Mafia. A story about the rules of friendship intrigues, it would do well do deepen that with a deft intro. Instead of informing us it was a contest entry (that is better placed within, perhaps with a link to the actual contest - payback.) Why not mention that the protagonist are children and that a frog comes into it, kissing too, but it is not the frog who gets kissed! *Laugh*

*Flower5* The General Impression: It is an appealing story, I gritted my teeth to avoid the word 'cute'. *Laugh* One doesn't know exactly why this unusual child is willing to purchase toads for a kiss each, perhaps it is one way of getting her chosen knight to both prove his valour and work for his reward? Cute - oops - I said it!

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: The children were well detailed, especially Ella's poking finger and the pseudo-belligerent attitude. If the hero did not know a frog from a toad, he at least knew when to play his ace of trumps. Good one.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: Is 'Geez Louise' a kind of rhyming slang, a term to signify exasperation? Is it widely known? Does it have any special significance? Would not a more generic and child-like 'Golly Gee' do? For it is the very beginning, it might be my fault for not knowing a term widely used where you come from, but it did make my comprehension hiccup.


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

*Cut* "Don't you know the difference?" She spat, walking off.
*Paste* Did she really spit? Or were the words 'spat out'?

*Cut* "A good friend never goes back on their word"
*Paste* A friend, his word. (or her word). Friends, their words. I think a just making it 'Friends never go back on their word.' would solve the problem.



Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1534744 Unavailable **
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In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Daizy May Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: You know what I love about this site? The fact that each little item is not unlike a fortune cookie, you have to bite into it, to break the surface open to see what you have. You are right, it may not be exactly what you would have thought, or written, but it gives you a thought to use as springboard for your own. An inspiration to overcome your writing block. Thanks for this wonderful Fortune Cookie: Ideas hide in strange places. *Laugh*

*Flower5* The General Impression: This read so 'real', I was there besides you as you read the fortune and then went on a journey inside your own mind. It could have had more setting, more description to tell us about 'the semi-transparent paper that smelled of something elusive, not quite perfume, nor yet an aroma, something that summed up Chinese food.' But, it was clear and complete as it was. It needed nothing else to gain comprehension.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: It described something I have often felt, the meaning is not what is written, but what you take from it. I once mis-heard the words of a popular song, trite became profound by the change of one word. Everafter I always heard only my version whene'er the song was played.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: See, things do - make us stop and think. It is not always a bad thing. It can be, as in your tale, something that gives us more, not less, after that pause.


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:Thanks for this profound wisdom - that thoughts are more than Fortune Cookies!


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1534744 Unavailable **
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Review of The Key  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Daizy May Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: The title is cryptic, it could contain the key to something magic, it might just be a mundane house key. I imagined a large hotel and keys to every room, I never even saw the allegory, the metaphor, until half-way through! Marvelous! I really, really liked this!

*Flower5* The General Impression: Simple and pleasing arrangement, one that is popular with many poets, quatrains, with alternate lines rhyming, abcb. The rhyme is direct end rhyme for the most part. It is not easy to keep it simple and yet attract. A laudable effort.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: It is gentle, it is joyous, it talks of just reward and kind renewal after a good life. I would it had redeemed even the repentant sinner, but maybe that is a big ask.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: There is no attempt to keep the syllables to an even count, to achieve metered rhyme, forget the stresses of higher versions. That is not to say it is less attractive, only that if read aloud, this staggers a bit. Even count would help there.


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

There is a POV even in poetry, did it seem as though this one shifted it - from the Key to the old man?

"standing tall and bent no more" One wonders if the old man is 'tall no more' or 'bent no more'? There is no counting of syllables to stop you, why not make things more clear, thus: "No longer bent, standing tall once more,". Or any other arrangement of your choice.



Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1534744 Unavailable **
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In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Daizy May Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: Dr. Seuss, I grew up on him! My kids read him, my grand-kids, when they arrive, will find their room lined with this books!! Wonderful, I had to come to the party.

*Flower5* The General Impression: This is a great tribute with a superb image to decorate it. It looks almost as though he and the Snoogle-tailed Whatalumpus(goat?) are having an eye-to-eye confrontation.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: The rhymes were reminiscent of his works indeed, the only difference being that his lines often had rhythm too, it gave it a great read aloud cadence. Highlighting the related words in colour made sense, except that the yellow was dificult to pick out against this background. Could you make them coloured and bold?

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: In the second last verse, you have Where The Sidewalk Ends italicized but not coloured, any reason?


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

"Grant met this wish and I'll do it for free!!" I think that should be 'me'?



Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1534744 Unavailable **
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Review of My World  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello GabriellaR45 Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* What Drew Me In: I was thrilled to see your name up on the leader board at SAJ, one rarely has the opportunity to thank the wonderful leader that you are! A review would be a good choice for showing the gratitude that ebbs eternal in our hearts.

Many of your earlier items are labeled 'Not for Review or Rating', not in those exact words, but in a pleading note. Why not set the preference to 'E-mail comments', that will achieve the same purpose.

*thinks for a moment and then reason dawns*

Yes, but it would not be as informative or kind in letting the reader know the reason for that preference. You show your gentle and thoughtful side even here.


*Flower5* The General Impression: I think you show great poetry in your photographs. Black and White is a difficult medium, yet it can be effective and arresting in its beauty. The close-up of wildflowers was excellent, I could 'see' a plant that grows wild around here, it is called Vinca, also known as Periwinkle.

Colours are also used to good effect, the light and shade of your favourite reading place make that picture appealing. Or the endless stretch of road bordered by 'miles of cornfields'.


*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: I also liked the painting (elsewhere) that was decorated with a poem, but I wondered if it was all Nova's, or the painting at least was yours. The colours were striking and unconventionally used, the strokes bold and reminiscent of Impressionism. The photo here, of 'The Creek at Daybreak', had the same charm.

*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: What are photographs doing on a writing site? I think that wordcraft is the ability to paint an image in bits of speech and thought. Painting just gives us new muses and inspiration. To plan a good photograph, to capture the heart of emotion, it takes a good artist to do that. A writer can admire artistry of another sort.


*Flower5* Suggestions: I have none.

I understand your Inbox may get clogged from all the reviews if you allow us to make them, but may one at least take one's headgear off in silent admiration?


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1534744 Unavailable **
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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing celebration for Rising Star's M2M reviews - December.

Rising Stars Member to Member Reviewing Sig


This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.

*Flower5* The Title: Great title, the number three is magical anyway. Think of the number of titles that have three incongruous items as a group. "The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe" is one that springs to mind. Of course, it might be better to give the latter two word first letter capitals, in your title. That is title case, unless you have a reason for implying the Interruption is important, the leaves and their music aren't?

*Flower5* The Beginning: The beginning has one setting, the latter half has quite another, even the pace is contrasting. I think the rest captivated me more than the cluttered beginning. It had too much to do - introduce the situation, the 'new' partner, the rules, the shift from town to country, the chores, the need to keep in touch with former colleagues and friends. We do not need to know all of that, even if all true, we can be told just enough to know about the narrator's being new to that life.

*Flower5* The Setting: This was exquisite, especially towards the end. The beginning lagged a bit here too.

*Flower5* The Characters: The characters are clear and in the foreground, City Girl and Country Boy. Handsome, Fun Country Boy. Willing-to-adjust and Has-a-sense-of-humour City Girl. Some bits of description are vivid, some are simple, it all adds up to a clear image of both.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: I liked some of the bits:
"The crisp air stabs like pine needles into my nose." or "the calmness of the river standing behind him is like a backdrop of glass wavering slightly ..."Some of the sentences were confusing, especially the longer ones. Try to keep them short, for better clarity.


*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: It is a tale that is true to life, it has a lesson that is often quoted - 'stop and smell the roses'. Only here it would be:'Stop to hear the music of the falling leaves'.

*Flower5* What I liked: It has a gentle acceptance of nature's bounty and marvels, a lesson that time is not for hurrying, but sometimes for just letting go.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

"I did not want to be wanted anywhere else." Is the word repeat deliberate? Or is it something that can be changed to make meaning clear? Is it for some wry humour that I failed to get?

"Puddles of dust and remnants of tiny sticks remind me, vacuum today" Internal dialogue needs to be set off by italics or single quotes, preferably the former.

"I reverted back to ..." 'To revert' implies going back to something, reverting back is repetition, a tautology.

"My daughter's little dollar store green sandals I have slipped on do little to protect my socks against the moistness ... " Whoa! Warning! Long confusing sentence! Crying out for punctuation. Use shorter sentences. They are crisp. Clear. Easy to understand.


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
A Simply Positive reviewing sig.
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Review of Miracles  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Shari's happy to be back : Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing celebration for Rising Star's M2M Monthly reviews - December.
Rising Stars Member to Member Reviewing Sig

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.

*Flower5* The Title: The title is short, yet explicit, it tells that something wonderful and out of this world lies within. It might be referring to the need for attitude change in the staff at a busy ER. Otherwise, I did not think it was the best title for this piece.

*Flower5* The Beginning: There is a lot of adverb usage, not as heavy as the hand with which I sprinkle pepper on my pastas and baked casseroles, but enough to give anyone sensitive a couple of sneeze!*Laugh* Carefully, tenderly, grimly, furiously ... these tend to diminish the effect of any part. Try a descriptive phrase in its stead. For e.g.:
"... started calmly leafing through it..." 'He looked through the pages on the magazine with intent gaze, was he able to read those laudatory articles of successful people or did the gleaming smiles of captivating models hold his interest?' It would also serve to highlight his later statement, that he did not know what he read, but he tried to take his mind of the events occurring.


*Flower5* The Setting: The setting could be made more vivid, especially with your background, having worked in the ER yourself. One needs to 'see' the frenzied activity, the organized chaos, so to speak. A little humour helps to highlight tension, an overzealous technician, an eager guard, a child who has got into troubel ... the possibilities are endless.

I remember once taking out the end of a pencil's eraser from a kid's nose and remarking that it was difficult to see how it could be an 'accident'. The kid waxed indignant and cried out,"it was so an accident. It is the new scented kind, see ... I just wanted to smell it ... like this," here, he took a deep breath. Ooops! In went the eraser bit, again. I not only had the procedure to repeat, but I got a drubbing from my senior for being careless with a child. *Laugh*

I am not saying it is a must, just that it is a device used by the best of writers.


*Flower5* The Characters: I could not 'see' either the husband or the wife. OK, perhaps the former, a bit. He is at least made out to be indifferent and then later shown as caring but nervous. The wife is shoved into the background. A little description would work wonders. When she is struggling for hours, just that bland statement tells us nothing. Tell us how her head turns from side to side on the pillow with each contraction, not from pain, from worry. Her hair comes loose from the bun coiled on her neck and billows out in a cloud of gold. Tell us how she clenches her hands until the knuckles are white, but her face is flushed with anxiety. Can you see her now? I can.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: I am great believer in the 'less is more' mantra. I mean that one should use the simplest word possible to describe something. If there is an exact word to describe something, one made for the exact situation, then by all means, use it. Like a susurration ran through the assembled gathering as they saw the bride blanch and sway before the altar.' The kind of whisper that builds and sweeps through a crowd is described by that word; even if not commonly used, it is appropriate. One that does not enhance meaning, but causes a break in comprehension is better avoided:
"The husband, a dark, forbearing looking man..." Now here it is 'telling', not showing', in what way was his expression 'forbearing' rather than indifferent? Did his shoulders droop with resignation? Was there a defeated, yet hopeful anguish in his eyes? Yet, this word is repeated, un-embellished, in describing the father.


*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: It is a salutatory lesson, not to forget the loved ones' reactions might not always be the expected, not to judge and discriminate based on a hasty summing up of attitude. One needs to show compassion to even those who do not seem to deserve it.

*Flower5* What I liked: Unusual setting, pithy message. The progress of the events as 'one hour', 'two hours' etc make the tension build up. I felt time could be indicated, as a ready reference, but this way is fine, too.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:Just a couple of niggles -

"... it wasn't as though he cared enough to waste time on..." Two different sets of emotions, two different sources of action. The father does not care enough, so the staff does not wish to waste time upon him. It is not clear in the sentence, but that is what I thought you meant. Perhaps -:'If he had cared more, they might have spent a little time bothering about him; as it was, they forgot him.'

"Maybe he doesn't want the baby, the nurse whispered(,) before smiling reassuringly at the young mother. I thought the two contrasting emotions work well to enhance each other, nurses often do this, hide one message under a facade of reassurance. But, it does need that suggested comma.

"... to buy himself something edible to eat..." Anything fit to eat is edible, one of those words is redundant.



Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
A Simply Positive reviewing sig.
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Review of A Single Tear  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Grace Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing celebration for Rising Star's M2M reviews for December.
Rising Stars Member to Member Reviewing Sig
.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.

*Flower5* The Title: The title is a gem of imagery, it has poignant emotion standing bright and clear. I also happen to be a fan of LMM's A of GG series. I had to read this Fanfic.

*Flower5* The Beginning: I think this is one of the hardest types of stories to write, avid fans are unlikely to agree that you have caught the flavour of the original. Put it down to that, but I felt the spontaneity, the freshness of Anne, the gentle wit and unique observations were lacking for the most part. You get it right at a couple of point, like the bit where she laments that she would has never got to 'hold' him, that she could do it now, but it wouldn't be 'holding' in the right sense, because he couldn't 'hold back'!

*Flower5* The Setting: Fanfic sticks to the original style, but from what I remember, LMM did do some great setting. Perhaps you felt that it would consume too many words? One deft metaphor, one compelling sentence, that is all it takes. Great settings are not always verbose meanderings of phrases. For example:

"She fell asleep in that position, holding on to Gilbert's hand." That could become 'She sat on the cold floor, her legs curled under her, one arm stretched out to clasp Gilbert's limp hand, her head bent upon the crinkled sheets disturbed by his tossing and turning. That's how she fell asleep.' Does it provide more setting? Is it even required? You are the best judge, I but offer example of what it could become if you so desire.


*Flower5* The Characters: Anne always though in a 'different' way, her reactions were never the stuff of which the madding crowds were made. I saw little of that side. A more romantic side, a girl desperately in love, that is what is visible. Did I like it? I don't quite know, if it were anybody but Anne, I might. Gilbert is too pale, already fading by the time we see him, difficult to comment upon this one.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: The story tries to capture a whole life in the span of a short story, some parts are therefore skimped, description gives way to relation of events.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: The story was complete in itself, not a 'slice of life', not a chapter, a whole story, from girlhood to the full fruit of life.

*Flower5* What I liked: The end was exquisite and tied in well with the half dream, half premonition, that Anne has at Gilbert's bedside. The title gains in meaning from this ending. Good work.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:A few minor hiccups - comma placement, the mot juste at some points, etc. etc.

"She made three futile attempts to call out to him, as he was about to pass she finally succeeded." I thought, since both parts of that sentence could stand on their own, a semi-colon, or a conjunction, might be more apt than a comma. Would you agree?

"Pacifique turned at the sound of her voice, spotting her(,) he stopped." I thought one more comma was required there, but those slippery wriggly kin of tadpoles are not my forte, I merely suggest it.

"They a'said he won' be her by eve'nen" Apostrophes suggest omitted letters. I will let the first word go, I do not know what is the word/phrase being converted to colloquial form there. But in the second: eve'nen the word is 'evening'. If anything, it should be evenin', the hard 'g' is missing.

"... he resumed his walk and whistling..." It should be 'his walking and whistling' or 'his walk, whistling again, as he did so'.



Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
A Simply Positive reviewing sig.
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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Kotaro Author IconThank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC ContestOpen in new Window. [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: The Lady of the Lake, your spirit has shades of another tale entirely. The association served to make me more interested in reading this rendition. Is this an adaptation of a folk tale, or your own story? The intro suggest the former, if it is indeed the latter, perhaps you could alter it a little. Say - 'A story of a lake and its spirit, set in Japan'?

*Flower5* The Beginning: The beginning was a bit confusing, the second sentence was both long and combined two separate facts. The 'hero' loves to travel - fact number one. He he unmoved by beautiful vistas though, he is blind - fact number two. It might serve better to have these in two different sentences. The sounds that delight him are well detailed, I especially liked "the sigh of waves sinking into the sand".

*Flower5* The Setting: You have a bent for description and yet the settings do not come to vivid life. There is fish for food, there are kimonos, there is tea to be drunk, yet Japan is not brought strongly to mind. Some more emotion needs to be shown perhaps? For example, in this dialogue:
"Have you any food? I would gladly share the miserable lunch my wife made for me." Perhaps if you were to add a bit to show that deprecation of one's possession was intended to honour the other person, not belittle oneself? Maybe Gonta has thoughts of how his dear wife had laboured so hard to make his favourite food, yet it would not do to praise her efforts, lest it implied the other had no one to do the same?


*Flower5* The Characters: Annin needs to be more in the forefront, to stand out from the characters he meets, his gait, his demeanour, his voice, his appearance, all need to be sketched in. After all, we can, and must, see. The spirit evokes a wash of pity and empathy, kudos for managing that, and for making this fantasy tale about environmental pollution too.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Sometimes the things need to explained, if Annin is blind, his ears would have become attuned to voices, yet we need to be told how he discerns age from a voice. Perhaps the younger speaker has a strength and vigour in his speech; he rushes into comments too, impatient to share his thoughts. The elder man has a more measured tone, softer and slower. He shows patience, too - perhaps he blows on the morsel he picks up with his chopsticks? Or eats one more piece before responding to the other's comments?

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I liked the fact that you make a pitch for communities to respect environment, yet retain the flavour of a folk tale.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above. It barely evokes the picture, but it can be said to have evolved from the prompt. I cannot say it is based on it.*Confused*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified:13+*Check5*
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item: 1973*Check5*
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*



*Flower5* What I liked: I liked the tone and direction of the tale.

*Flower5* Suggestions: There's enough to show that you take great care in your writing, meticulous editing and well chosen words. There were no marked errors.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

** Image ID #1466390 Unavailable **
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Review of hunter and vixen  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Milhaud - Tab B Author IconThank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC ContestOpen in new Window. [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: I like the contrasting images, the two appear evenly matched in this composition, the choice of female prey being the cause for that perception. (the deadlier of the species?)I wonder why you choose lower case for the title, the common choice is 'title case' (obviously*Blush*) - the first letter of each word is a capital letter.

*Flower5* The Beginning: Excellent use of dialogue to 'set' the beginning, being a call center, the conversations would be an integral part of its identity.

*Flower5* The Setting: The physical background got some detailing, even if the exact atmosphere of emerging problems from calls and split-second decisions as to the appropriate learned response for that problem was not so explicit. In fact a part of the manager's cabin had a bit of background setting mentioned in passing, a surprising highlight of something quite inconsequential to the actual story - yet it formed the image prompt. I would have to say this did not constitute basing your story on the prompt.

*Flower5* The Characters: Dave and Amy, the Hunter, the Vixen. One a knowing predator, one imagines himself to be the hunter. The chat and the flirting games are well depicted.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: No flights of fancy here, just simple words used in an effective manner to convey the story's progression. Not all stories need lyrical phrases or metaphorical marvels to make an impact.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: It is a story that impresses for its relation to real life and its lack of permanent resolution. The end is perfect in its imperfect resolution!

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above. I'd have to say it wasn't, not in my eyes. The story must use that image.*Frown*}
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified:13+*Check5*
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item: 1991*Check5*
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*



*Flower5* What I liked: This was a taut tale, well written, if it had more relation to the prompt, it might have fared better.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
"She wore dark-framed glasses with long, auburn hair pulled back and pinned." The sentence splits the phrases awkwardly, it might confuse as to whether she, or the glasses, were the ones to have long auburn hair?*Laugh*

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

** Image ID #1466390 Unavailable **
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Review of Who Am I  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello COJay Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing celebration for ACE monthly reviews. "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.

*Flower5* The Title: I like the simplicity and the profundity of the title, its contradictory layers make it all the more appealing. It promises to be anything but a typical day, except for that one man. Good job on garnering attention with these two devices that are often just ignored or thrown away.

*Flower5* The Beginning: Short sentences, clear phrasing, immaculate meaning. It could serve as an example to many, how short can be sweet. You got my attention with your conjuring of those vivid images, whether of home, or of work.

*Flower5* The Setting: I could walk down to work with Tom, seeing what he saw, doing what he did. There was no divergence from the modus operandi of the beginning, the sentences continue to be short and crisp, the meaning crystal clear, the images sharp in the mind's eye. The two settings are a contrast, one is full of quiet love and togetherness, the other is all about segregation and incarceration, punishment and control. Both are presented without undue fanfare, like the simple clean lines of a courture gown that screams its origin.

*Flower5* The Characters: Tom, Carla, Gina. Each is distinct, yet none were lingered over, no fancy descriptions employed for any. It is a normal household, it is an abnormal household, the man who heads it makes it normal to be abnormal. He brings no work atmosphere home, he carries no emotions to work.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: As I have already said, simple is your signature, your style."I have been here long enough that I don't have to repeat myself. Who am I? I am hated, feared, watched. I am authority."

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I have to pull you up for one thing - you lied. In your bio-block you said you are a casual writer; I do not agree. Or else the rest of us are mere dabblers with words, our tales pathetic daubs in front of a Rembrandt of a tale. I enjoyed reading this very much.

*Flower5* What I liked: You got into the character of the narrator perfectly; if fiction, your research is meticulous, if based on your own life, you prove that one writes best about what one knows well.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

"... and the televisions are the least of concern." Perhaps that should be 'of least concern'? Or even 'the least of concerns'?

Nary another hiccup in the entire write, thanks for a piece that has been polished till it shines!


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
A Simply Positive reviewing sig.
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Review of The Journey  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello EvilDawg - Vigilante Ranger!! Author Icon. Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC ContestOpen in new Window. [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: Yes, this journey was in many a mind after viaulising that image prompt. An apt title, the intro gives us a tad more to glimpse of the story.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The beginning seems prosaic, it then proceeds to fantasy by slow steps. Yet to keep the feeling even, the signs on the boat and the passenger count, make it all to real. Who would arrange things in so human a manner, should the directions and instructions not be more mystical? Either as unvoiced but comprehended thought, or glittering letters that seem to hover in the air? In the language each understands best? Or esle what would non-English speaking souls do, illiterate souls too?

*Flower5* The Setting: The island itself is not described. Being a sort of transition point, it could have been given more importance. The journey gets all the attention your title implies.

*Flower5* The Characters: Samantha is the only one highlighted, apart from the narrator. It would be interesting to have some more, out of the total thirty-two, described.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: There was some description, enough for this little capsule of Heaven, Hell and Limbo. I thought more would not have been amiss, yet there was enough to comprehend exactly what was being depicted.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: The prompt drove many to imagine this final journey, this one of the briefest to take that line. It was a philosphical appetizer, I hope to partake of the main course.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above. Without doubt.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified 13+*Check5*
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item. 615 *Check5*
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*



*Flower5* What I liked: It was a nugget, a pleasing prelude. It dared to be different and eschew both prologue and epilogue, explanations of either kind.

*Flower5* Suggestions: The format is 'clean', one line interspaces between paras make it easy to read on-screen. A first line indent might enhance it, your choice. Good editing and proof-reading, thank you for making my job easier.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

** Image ID #1466390 Unavailable **
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Review of Little Ships  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello JACE Author Icon. Thank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC ContestOpen in new Window. [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: I liked the title, it think it so important to use this device to its fullest. A site browser is often tempted into reading a story with an intriguing title. Your intro carries on the job, giving a glimpse of where the story is going without revealing much more of the tale. Good work.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The beginning did a good job of taking us back in time, yet it could have been more technically perfect. I find short sentences and simple words work best when trying to keep a beginning polished and perfect. You have:
"The fog of old age could not stem the memories that rose in my mind(,) like the tides on a beach south of Dunkirk(.) almost seventy years ago." Would you not say a couple of commas were required in there? To make the meaning crystal clear? I would place a period at the second suggested point and make the second part something like: 'It had been seventy eventful years ago, yet nothing of latter date compared to the impact of that far-off encounter.' Your choice of words and description.


*Flower5* The Setting: It was well done, especially the bit where the child fears himself trapped in the cupboard and has to choose between the evils of discovery by unfriendly forces or being buried alive. I found the bits of French easy to understand, given the reference to context, but it might not be so for everybody.

*Flower5* The Characters: One often forgets from whose point of view the story is being told - but it helps to go back later and check out that it remains even. You have, at one point: ""Owen does," Clint said. "Our young friend is quite the linguist." I looked confused" How does the narrator know he looked confused? Why not instead have 'I wrinkled my brow in confusion'? Or ' I paused and crinkled my brows as I tried to make sense of the unfamiliar words'? More descriptive and it is then plausible why Clint goes on to say, 'Never mind."

The friendship under such eventful circumstances that blossoms and is cut off, it feels real.


*Flower5* The Descriptions: There are places with deft metaphor:-"It was still dark, and the flashes from the shelling turned the night to day for a few seconds like some macabre circus show." Yet it seems an anachronism, circus shows with that kind of lighting did not exist at that time, one has to watch out for this kind of glitch.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: Little boats that make up a visual prompt, is it not surprising that more than one write took this to war reminiscences? Yet, each tale took a different direction. This one had a gripping tale of youth and bravery, of sacrifice and brotherhood.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above. It is based on the prompt*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified: 13+*Check5*
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item: 1962 *Check5*
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*



*Flower5* What I liked: This is more or less a fantasy, a side tale of an action that might have changed the course of the war. I thought the problem, conflict and resolution was logically presented, albeit a bit simplistic.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Some minor quibbles, not necessarily errors:
"My name is Henri Gagnier, and my family owned one of the best hotels in Dunkirk." Yes, this is one way of a narrator introducing himself. It is a kind of boring way. You already have the boys introducing themselves in a natural manner when they meet, this extra information - surname and the ownership of the hotel - can be slipped in when Henri reveals his plan to eavesdrop on the German command post. He reveals the ownership part there, anyway.

"Each day more troops come to the beach and wait. I wonder why the Germans do not attack them."

"Neither do we," Clint said. "But we're thankful they don't."
Neither do we, what? Henri wonders why the Germans do not attack - the response should be 'So do we'. Or else the comment should be: 'I do not understand why ...'

"we climbed a small staircase to a small room on the other side of the main dining room" Try to avoid word repeats, especially adjectives, in close conjunction. Here you have 'small' repeated in one sentence.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

** Image ID #1466390 Unavailable **
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Review of Stranded  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Legerdemain Author IconThank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC ContestOpen in new Window. [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: I liked the title, it had shades of 'Lost' - terse, lucid and apt. I thought the intro did a neat job of adding a little information, enough to titillate, without giving away any part of this delectable story. I also love your tongue-in-cheek genre choices, they carry on the good job!

*Flower5* The Beginning: Dialogue to start a story is difficult, the beginning also has to achieve the physical setting of the tale, the introduction of at least one or two of the main characters, a little of the central premise of the tale. Yet, you managed all that. Good work.

*Flower5* The Setting: I did not see the image prompt in that deft beginning, I saw a lot more, and it was vivid, well described, but not the prompt. I thought this element was well done.

*Flower5* The Characters: Alan and Patty are real characters, the deft sketches of a testy rich man who has been duped by an unscrupulous resort manager, the socialite wife who is hesitant but helpless in the thrall of 'natives' without manners. The natives are caricatures, but they serve their purpose in the story.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Your forte, it is well done, simple words, effectively used. The description meanders between sublime metaphor :"She watched the women in the front of the flotilla tossing flower petals into the breeze. The petals floated on the waves like tiny birds.
"
and subtle humourous observations :"Patty could see him gesturing, holding an invisible phone to his head. He kept shaking the women off his arm so he could talk. Like flies, they resettled as soon as he started speaking again."


*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: It has a slow shift from travel experience to something more gripping - I will not reveal exactly what the conflict is. I would only like to add that I found the end marvelous, to use the image prompt like that, at the very end, it proved to be a master touch. I take off my hat to you! *scrabbles under seat* Or, I would, if I could find it in the first place, to put it on - to take off! *Bigsmile*

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above. Well used.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified:13+*Check5*
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item:1110*Check5*
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*



*Flower5* What I liked: This is a short story, at other times I have felt a lack of this element or that, here I felt you had said all that you needed to say. Not one word extra, not one word less. Bravo.

*Flower5* Suggestions: None, whatsoever. Write on!

(I did have one small query about the storyline, but I'll address that in a separate mail, it might give away too much of your story here.)


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

** Image ID #1466390 Unavailable **
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Review of They Came  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello DanielHardin Author IconThank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC ContestOpen in new Window. [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: It is short, it is profound, it has layers of meaning. I liked it even more when I had read the story and found the end to be as shrouded as the title. It assumes the reader will be intelligent enough to see through the veiled intent, I was flattered by the assumption.

*Flower5* The Beginning: Excellent beginning, although the image prompt would be a heart-beat after the incident described in the first paragraph. It is still true to the visual prompt and based upon it too. Even though the later direction of the story has a twist.

*Flower5* The Setting: I could visualise the setting easily. The POV of the narrator was easy to comprehend, the physical setting made vivid by deft turns of phrase. I especially commend the boy's describing his trailing the visitors as 'a painter in summer hunt' and gauging distance as being a 'smooth stone's throw'

*Flower5* The Characters: The lead character, unnamed, is well outlined by his observations and emotions, even if the physical description is lacking. None of the others are even sketchily described, although 'sly devil' has an expression and a posture to define him.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: These were good; especially the metaphors - striking, unusual and descriptive. I have already highlighted a couple, here's another favourite: "The Magic Man stepped into a spot where the sun pushed itself through the trees" I can imagine the thick canopy, the blazing sun, pushing itself between a handy gap between two towering forest denizens. *Thumbsup*

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: At first, I thought the story was about missionaries, but later they talk of promises of immortality - so that's out. I wondered how the Magic Man was supposed to know the language and be able to communicate? Was he the equivalent of a 'witch doctor'. with supposedly supernatural powers? Yes, such Men are often deemed to have such powers, but it is rarely demonstrated with so little ceremony or preparation. Otherwise it has all the charm of a folk tale, it keeps true to the rather primitive people it describes and their rough justice.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above: Yes.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified: 13+*Check5*
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item: 1294*Check5*
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*



*Flower5* What I liked: I liked the twist at the end. There was no real resolution, but it was an effective end, nonetheless.

*Flower5* Suggestions: A few random examples of errors:
"They moved like our slowest, sickest cattle but smiled, chattering amongst themselves."
Misplaced commas - I am no great expert, but do you feel each comma was appropriate in that sentence? It seems as though the sickest cattle but smiled. I would at least add another after the word 'cattle'.

"They drank--at least pretended to--with darting eyes."How can one drink with darting eyes? Nit-picking? Not really, the mind forms images as it reads, incongruity does not allow a smooth read. Perhaps - 'They drank, or at least pretended to, even as their eyes were busy darting around the compound." You note, I prefer the comma to the en dash?

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

** Image ID #1466390 Unavailable **
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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Guarrman Author IconThank you for submitting your entry. It is great to see a new joinee jump right into the site contest, welcome! I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC ContestOpen in new Window. [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: I like the nostalgic flavour of the title, it also has a tinge of the ghostly, of a recurring memory or nightmare. The attention is caught; curiosity aroused, the intro gives a further glimpse into the tale - well done!

*Flower5* The Beginning: The beginning sets the scene for the tale, the reason for the reminiscing. I would have liked it in italics to set it off from the rest of the story, but I won't be fussy about that pint. The beginning of the story proper was true to the prompt and whole tale flowed naturally from there. I just wonder if SCUBA would not be admissible - as an acronym, not an abbreviation? (You use it as 'S.C.U.B.A.')

*Flower5* The Setting: You have words, about 500 to spare. You could have heightened the settings a bit, the fear and tension of the attack, the guilt and relief of the escape, the rush of adrenaline followed by the flush of shame.

*Flower5* The Characters: One does not get a clear picture of the narrator, it is but natural that the others are also in shadow. It is not all that difficult, to add description of oneself into a detailing of past incident. For example:
"I turned off the engines and laid back on the bench seat and enjoyed the warmth ..."This could become something like - 'I turned off the engine with fingers that fumbled with an action they had performed, unthinking, a thousand times before. I curled my long frame on the bench seat, it provided little relief to my aching muscles, those same hard muscles that had carried me through strenuous exercises. The sun's warmth was cool upon cheeks flushed with a mixture of rage and shame, I was sure my olive skin was burning copper with emotion.'

I do not dictate words, just my feeble attempt to show how description need not interfere with the action or the story, but can serve to enhance both. It is entirely your decision to add more or not.


*Flower5* The Descriptions: I thought the descriptions showed more than a passing familiarity with the military and their tactics. You do take it for granted that we know the Zodiac is a raft, not a powered make of boat. Of course, a few lines later, it is made clear. Using some compelling descriptions heightens the action, you have words to spare, you could choose to add this later.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I would like to read more of Mr. Holms' adventures, after all he said some of the memories were good, too. I can understand the old man's need to relive his past, the retirement by the sea and his tryst with his memories was plausible.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified:13+*Check5*
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item:1520*Check5*
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*



*Flower5* What I liked: I liked that this was based on the prompt, fair and square, no glancing reference, no interpretation. It revolved around the visual provided, good work.

*Flower5* Suggestions: The formatting is clean and uses one line spaces between paras. A first line indent might further make for easy reading and comprehension onscreen.

Some minor errors:
Straying commas, I give one example - it does occur elsewhere. It is hard to keep the slippery tadpoles in place, is it not?*Laugh*
"The guns stayed trained on me() as the captain of the boat confirmed my personal information." Would you say a comma was required at the paired brackets? BTW, back in those days, how exactly was the personal information checked - radioing back to the HQ? Would it be so readily available?

"They just happened to be order that following seemed would keep me away from the danger." A tad confusing. Maybe change it slightly, to something like - 'They just happened to be convenient orders; following them would enable me to stay away from the danger zone.'?

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

** Image ID #1466390 Unavailable **


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Review of The Old Home  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Dudemellow Author IconThank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC ContestOpen in new Window. [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: I liked the nostalgia and image of lost homeland in the title. It served to arouse interest in the story.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The beginning is echoed in the end, deliberately perhaps, yet it jars when one first reads the repeat description of the slow swirl of warm water around Maanwa's ankles. Perhaps because the description was the most striking of all those used.

*Flower5* The Setting: The words are simple and yet the setting is clearly seen, if only a misused word here and a misplaced comma there did not take away from its homely charm.

*Flower5* The Characters: Only Maanwa is named, the son is once referred to as 'Son', otherwise as 'the boy'. No other character is even sketchily introduced, not even the wise wife. In this length of tale it would be permissible to have more than one character in the foreground.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: I felt the image prompt was dealt with only in passing, nothing in the description gave me a sense of having read a story that derived from it, despite the mention of the sunlight glinting on the water, or the boats bobbing just off the shoreline. Because those were empty boats, forlorn and bereft, you describe these to be fishing boats hauling in fishing nets.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: It has a problem, a conflict and even a resolution, only one does not exactly know how the conflict was resolved, just passage of time, not wisdom, seems to have guaranteed it. It has the charm of being simple and is told without much embellishment; however, it lacks a ‘hook’ to hold interest.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above. Yes, it is based upon it, although not centered on it.*Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified: 'E'*Check5*
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item:1972*Check5*
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*



*Flower5* What I liked:

*Flower5* Suggestions:
Some of the paragraphs were separated by a line break, some had just a first line indent. Personally I think keeping a one line space in between paras gives it a cleaner look, I know many readers think it makes the piece easier to read and comprehend.

A few small errors:
"He squinted his good eye" I thought the phrase should be 'he squinted through his good eye' or maybe 'with'?

Mistakes of apostrophes:
"put his hand on the boys shoulder "The possession needs an apostrophe to be implicit. boy's shoulder

Places where I felt the word was not apt.
"He counted the two numbers together and the result equaled loss." Should that not be 'added the two numbers together'?

"Many seasons had past since arriving on this beach"'passed'?

Typos/misspellings:
"more wise the he was at their age " 'more wise than he was'

Places where commas were missing or misplaced. I am no great expert on these slippery tadpole-like units of punctuation but ...
"The fishers would come in with their haul() then help with thatching," Do you feel another comma is required where I have placed the paired brackets?

"They had done much in such a seeming little amount of time and Maanwa twinged when he thought of how distraught he was those first days in the new land, how bleak he had felt." Do you mean 'cringed'? I would use smaller sentences in order to keep all the commas in their correct places.



Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

** Image ID #1466390 Unavailable **
120
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Review of Dinetah  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Jeff Author IconThank you for submitting your entry. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece for "Short Shots: Official WDC ContestOpen in new Window. [ASR]. Please do not edit your item until the results are declared.

*Flower5* The Title: Unusual name, it draws the attention. It is obviously a personal name, non-English and only our limited perception fails to reveal the inner meaning, profound and apt though it may be. Homeland - it is a powerful word and supports a piece that is poignant.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The first line has a strong emotional pull and makes a clear image in one's mind. I hate to nit-pick but the scene then seemed a bit awry. One holds the one who seeks comfort in one's arms, one clings if one is seeking support. It is Kai who needs the reassurance, Sani is firm and resolute upon the action, even if unsure about the final outcome.

*Flower5* The Setting: If an image is the prompt, the setting must bring that image to life, it provides the visual basis for your words and vice versa. I saw more of a land-based struggle, despite the use of 'fishing boats' to make the preemptive strike.

*Flower5* The Characters: I like it when one the characters coins a pithy saying, it seems to sum up the flavour of the piece. This had 'it is foolish not to expect the unexpected', wisdom worthy of Confucius. I wish we could have seen the main players themselves as clearly, in their physical as well as emotional make-up. Would it have been so difficult to have added a phrase or two to bring them into three-dimensional life? For example, in the lines:
"I have to, Kai," he replied softly, nuzzling my neck as he hugged me. This could easily become:

"I have to, Kai." His gruff whisper was breathed warm into the curls on my forehead, every muscle in his arms was familiar to me; he wrapped them around my pliant body as it pressed into his for reassurance.

I do not dictate the exact words, I just wish there was more, enough to conjure up a vision of the lovers.


*Flower5* The Descriptions: It is description that adds depth to a story, it creates settings and props up characters and brings action to life. Telling is fine, but showing is better. It does consume a few more words, but in the end, it is worth it. You had 200 odd to spare, too.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: There was a problem, yes. There was a conflict, even if it took place off-stage. But, there was little resolution, the exact situation to be avoided was the one faced in the end. Happy endings are not required for a story, but some modicum of resolution would have helped. Maybe a paragraph to show the birth of the Sani and Kai's baby? In the new land, the homeland?

There was a well crafted and logical plan by the Navajos, history probably demands the defeat, but a reason for the same would make the story 'tighter' and plausible.

*Flower5* The Rules:

Your story must be:
*Note3*Fiction. *Check5*
*Note3*Based on the photograph above. Loosely based, but it does use the visual scene. *Check5*
*Note3*Rated 18 or below: Any story that falls above this rating will be disqualified: 13+ *Check5*
*Note3*2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item: 1720 *Check5*
*Note3*Newly written for this contest: *Check5*
*Note3*Submitted One Time Only: *Check5*
*Note3*Edited Only Until the Deadline: *Check5*



*Flower5* What I liked: I was eager to learn more about a people and culture that was new to me. I learned only a little, a word and one glimpse of an age-old struggle, but the originality made it stand out.

*Flower5* Suggestions:

I do not advocate eschewing adverbs in toto, but it is wise to be aware that they weaken the impact of description. Examine the example I gave above for description and decide if you agree that the phrase 'he replied softly' gives lesser information than the suggested alternative. It is more 'word-heavy' to construct, but it can be done in some places at least.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

** Image ID #1466390 Unavailable **
121
121
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello RatDog Author Icon - welcome to a review for your support to RAOK. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower5* The Title: The title was attention grabbing, casual and conversational, yet it served as effective opening line for what I thought would be a short witty piece. I was not disappointed. The intro was a good way to underline the message in the title.

*Flower5* The Beginning: This is a short piece, a story that starts from someone else's prompt and has to end with a prompt for daring readers who can pick up such a well crafted gauntlet. Yet the beginning was a good one, setting the scene immediately. Only one thing, I am totally teetotal and hence clueless, I had to use Google to help me out more than once. So, I merely ask - is it Stoli or Stoly?

*Flower5* The Setting: The setting is a set-up, just too punny for words, Vod? Kan't you take a joke?

*Flower5* The Characters: Hee-hee-hee! Aren't they just? Characters I mean? They just cracked me up with their cheesy puns. I wondered a bit at the Mickey Fine - was it not a Mickey Finn?

*Flower5* The Descriptions: It would be too much to expect delectable descriptions as well. Might be a surfeit of things to digest! Congrats on getting the rating spot-on. It was just the use of a couple of words, a little allusion, but it made the rating rack itself into 18+

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: Hrggh-hrggh-snrrrk-hrraaagh! Sorry, avid readers, I was just remembering another bit I liked, I'd quote it, but it would give away the meat for nothing. Sorry,again - if you want it you're going to have to chew your way through, yourself! No koala bear mommies here!

*Flower5* What I liked: I liked your faithfulness to this interactive story, I see you have many contributions, all worthy efforts. But, this one won my heart at first and last glance!

*Flower5* Suggestions: Keep writing these zany delights, friend. You have a flair for 'em.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

** Image ID #1466390 Unavailable **
122
122
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Daizy May Author Icon - welcome to a review from your win in"Jace's Travel Guide AuctionOpen in new Window.. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower5* The Title: This one is not only an arresting title that suggests frenzied activity, but it also serves within the piece as refrain and link. Readers will have to peruse the lines themselves to discover its subtle use.

*Flower5* Rhyming: Alternate rhyme, but only one word pair as rhyming choice. It proves a deft device rather than becoming repetitive, it allows the pace to shift from without, to within, seamlessly.

*Flower5* Meter: The poem is dependent upon a word play, the use of the words in the title and the rhyming pair to create action, a wind within the piece. Meter is almost irrelevant here. I am not saying it would go amiss, but it might go unnoticed for sure!

*Flower5* Punctuation& Grammar:I think this was flawlessly managed by a masterful writer.

*Flower5* Poetry Form: I think they could very well name this the Daizy form. a set of four quatrains with alternate rhyme but only one word pair. The action should slowly shift from one set of objects to another, preferably contrasting ones. The action words get repeated as the title. Well done!*Thumbsup*

*Flower5* Poem as a whole: Again, an unusual theme, excellent choice of contrasts and comparison. Striking choice of rhyming pair of words. Interesting poem, on the whole.

*Flower5* What I liked: If you haven't yet realised I did not like any of it, I have been wasting my time writing this review. No, no, don't misunderstand, I just loved every bit of it! Like is too tepid a word to describe my feelings.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -: Not a single hiccup to be seen. May I use this section to share what I found to be a vivid image that will stay with me?

"Outside, the wind kept on whooping and yowling,
Cheering on the snowy blizzard."


Thank you for letting me into your port over the past few days, I have had a wonderful time!


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

** Image ID #1466390 Unavailable **
123
123
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Daizy May Author Icon - welcome to a review from your win in"Jace's Travel Guide AuctionOpen in new Window.. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower5* The Title: You have done it so often before that I know this is exactly what I expected! A great title.*Thumbsup* I would just suggest that you keep the intro-title combination to its usual level of complementing each other by mentioning the prompt only within the write itself. The bit about the President in your backyard could still be left in as the intro. it would suffice to intrigue a potential reader.

*Flower5* The Rhyme: Alternate lines rhyme, a simple and direct end rhyme. The only thing that disappointed was the repeat of the rhyming choice of the word pair 'there/chair'. Also with the dialogue coming just after He motioned for me to sit in it; one wonders if it is the President speaking. For one moment, then one realises the words 'my chair' are used and it has to be the narrator speaking. Perhaps instead of a semi-colon, a period would make things clearer?

*Flower5* The Rhythm: Many of the lines have an even eight syllables but there are sevens, nines and tens too! So, no attempt at meter. This is a poem that might be fun to read aloud though and uneven syllable count tends to make the cadence ragged.

*Flower5* The Form: Other than quatrains in alternate abcb rhyming pattern, there does not seem to be any specific form attempted. It is better so, the matter is arresting and humorous and anything more ambitious might have diluted the impact.

*Flower5* The Imagery/Devices: There is imagery, in the "The President was in my yard
Wearing dirty, grubby jeans"
&"I saw his dirty fingernails" Do you feel the repeated adjective made, at least one of those descriptions, just that shade less effective?

Alliteration, assonance, these are attractive devices that often enhance pieces. Your choice entirely, you chose not to use them here.


*Flower5* The poem as a Whole: Definitely something unexpected, a great response to a fantastic prompt. One would expect no less from you, and the contest that generated this prompt must be a great one.

*Flower5* What I liked: It was so completely 'normal' at first, wandering out into the backyard, the 'green lounge chair'. I have exactly like that, in wicker. Then, the surprise starts, the fantasy begins. It ends on an election promise kind of note, wish all the Presidents would keep 'em as faithfully.*Laugh*

*Flower5* Suggestions: Two tiny hiccups:-

"I was taken by complete surprise
At the sight that I saw there."
Would you say 'at' is the mot juste there? I rather plumped for 'by' myself.

"He's painted our peeling house!" Hmm, would it not require stripping and preparing first? Or is that a 'given'?



Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

** Image ID #1466390 Unavailable **
124
124
Review of Fiery Red Hair  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Daizy May Author Icon - welcome to a review from your win in"Jace's Travel Guide AuctionOpen in new Window.. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower5* The Title: You have a knack for doing this, I have mentioned it before, your title choices are amazingly attention grabbing. Just Titian hair would not have been so eyeball riveting, the use of 'fiery' to accentuate 'red' was a master stroke. As usual, the intro adds to the impression already created, it tells us the tale is one of loss and acceptance, an end to a long life.

*Flower5* The Beginning: An unusual beginning. The first few lines had both present and past swirled together in a enigmatic touch. That sentence is like a leit motif that holds the story together and is tuned upon itself at the end.

*Flower5* The Setting: The hospital setting was deftly done at the very beginning. It was echoed at the end. In between the past is described and 'set'. Well done. I wanted more, if there is any chance this could be a longer piece one day, I would love to read it.

*Flower5* The Characters: Nobody has any names, just the descriptions, and two or three words suffice for even those. Yet, I never felt that to be a flaw. For this was about second chances, about comparisons and similarities.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: She progresses from being a Celtic lass to lady, from being wife to mother to mother-in-law to grandmother-to-be. It was done in such a smooth way that I did not even notice it, even as my mind absorbed the changes and presented me with the end.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: It is a tale told from a strikingly different angle. Part fantasy, part reality. It still had poignant emotion and enough of the bedside vigil many of us know, the final moments where we see only what we know. What is actually happening is beyond us. I'd like to think of the old lady riding off into the shimmering unknown, her fiery red hair streaming behind her.

*Flower5* What I liked: What was not to like? You have added in almost all the required ingredients. Even what is left out is done deliberately.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
The sentences are at times a tad stilted and long. At times the structure works to make it sound like an archaic way of speaking. At other times one wonders what belongs where, like "She was bringing them home to add to the kettle on the fire in front of the thatched dwelling she shared with her daughter" Too many prepositions and possessive nouns?

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

** Image ID #1466390 Unavailable **
125
125
Review of Tea Kettle In Awe  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Daizy May Author Icon - welcome to a review from your win in"Jace's Travel Guide AuctionOpen in new Window.. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower5* The Title: I like the title. I am going to set that onto a signature and use it for your reviews! Imagine an awe-struck tea kettle. I can't wait to read more of this fantasy!

*Flower5* What Drew Me in: Other than the title it was the term 'spinning nouns'. What are those?

*Flower5* What Made Me Applaud: It reads like a simple folk tale. It appealed to the little child in me, the one that wonders why the sun warms my face and why the dog wags its tail. Now I know why the Tea Kettle sings!

*Flower5* What Made Me Pause and Ponder: In one place the personified article is a 'tea kettle', in another place you refer to it as 'teakettle', in yet another it has been given a capital letter - 'Teakettle'. Which is your preferred choice of term?


*Flower5* Suggestions: These are not made from any position of lofty ability or erudition, more as a hiccup in the smooth reading of a concerned friend:

Other than that decision to be made about christening little Tea Kettle, no hiccup to be seen.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

** Image ID #1466390 Unavailable **
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