Hello Shari's happy to be back : , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am part of a reviewing celebration for Rising Star's M2M Monthly reviews - December.
This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.
The Title: The title is short, yet explicit, it tells that something wonderful and out of this world lies within. It might be referring to the need for attitude change in the staff at a busy ER. Otherwise, I did not think it was the best title for this piece.
The Beginning: There is a lot of adverb usage, not as heavy as the hand with which I sprinkle pepper on my pastas and baked casseroles, but enough to give anyone sensitive a couple of sneeze! Carefully, tenderly, grimly, furiously ... these tend to diminish the effect of any part. Try a descriptive phrase in its stead. For e.g.:
"... started calmly leafing through it..." 'He looked through the pages on the magazine with intent gaze, was he able to read those laudatory articles of successful people or did the gleaming smiles of captivating models hold his interest?' It would also serve to highlight his later statement, that he did not know what he read, but he tried to take his mind of the events occurring.
The Setting: The setting could be made more vivid, especially with your background, having worked in the ER yourself. One needs to 'see' the frenzied activity, the organized chaos, so to speak. A little humour helps to highlight tension, an overzealous technician, an eager guard, a child who has got into troubel ... the possibilities are endless.
I remember once taking out the end of a pencil's eraser from a kid's nose and remarking that it was difficult to see how it could be an 'accident'. The kid waxed indignant and cried out,"it was so an accident. It is the new scented kind, see ... I just wanted to smell it ... like this," here, he took a deep breath. Ooops! In went the eraser bit, again. I not only had the procedure to repeat, but I got a drubbing from my senior for being careless with a child. 
I am not saying it is a must, just that it is a device used by the best of writers.
The Characters: I could not 'see' either the husband or the wife. OK, perhaps the former, a bit. He is at least made out to be indifferent and then later shown as caring but nervous. The wife is shoved into the background. A little description would work wonders. When she is struggling for hours, just that bland statement tells us nothing. Tell us how her head turns from side to side on the pillow with each contraction, not from pain, from worry. Her hair comes loose from the bun coiled on her neck and billows out in a cloud of gold. Tell us how she clenches her hands until the knuckles are white, but her face is flushed with anxiety. Can you see her now? I can.
The Descriptions: I am great believer in the 'less is more' mantra. I mean that one should use the simplest word possible to describe something. If there is an exact word to describe something, one made for the exact situation, then by all means, use it. Like a susurration ran through the assembled gathering as they saw the bride blanch and sway before the altar.' The kind of whisper that builds and sweeps through a crowd is described by that word; even if not commonly used, it is appropriate. One that does not enhance meaning, but causes a break in comprehension is better avoided:
"The husband, a dark, forbearing looking man..." Now here it is 'telling', not showing', in what way was his expression 'forbearing' rather than indifferent? Did his shoulders droop with resignation? Was there a defeated, yet hopeful anguish in his eyes? Yet, this word is repeated, un-embellished, in describing the father.
The Story as a Whole: It is a salutatory lesson, not to forget the loved ones' reactions might not always be the expected, not to judge and discriminate based on a hasty summing up of attitude. One needs to show compassion to even those who do not seem to deserve it.
What I liked: Unusual setting, pithy message. The progress of the events as 'one hour', 'two hours' etc make the tension build up. I felt time could be indicated, as a ready reference, but this way is fine, too.
Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:Just a couple of niggles -
"... it wasn't as though he cared enough to waste time on..." Two different sets of emotions, two different sources of action. The father does not care enough, so the staff does not wish to waste time upon him. It is not clear in the sentence, but that is what I thought you meant. Perhaps -:'If he had cared more, they might have spent a little time bothering about him; as it was, they forgot him.'
"Maybe he doesn't want the baby, the nurse whispered(,) before smiling reassuringly at the young mother. I thought the two contrasting emotions work well to enhance each other, nurses often do this, hide one message under a facade of reassurance. But, it does need that suggested comma.
"... to buy himself something edible to eat..." Anything fit to eat is edible, one of those words is redundant.
Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
May your words go on to shine! 
Effort brings colour to Life 
|
|