Here's a CSFS Elf Raid review to celebrate you. Welcome!
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A very good piece.
Unfortunately due to there being a lot of errors thoughout, I couldn't give it the rating I wanted. I personally place more value in the creative side of writing rather than the technical, as grammer and puncuation could be easily corrected by someone else.
When it comes to your content, I would have rated it a 4/4.5 as you describe scenes and actions very well. Your characters were well realised and have a good sense of personality and history. I love the almost childlike naivety all your characters seem to share, which works well in bringing the violence of the final scene into a sharp contrast.
Here are a few examples of area's which could be improved:
But then no one was supposed to have ever been able to hand the fable Rune Stone over to anyone, either. the Stone was supposed to be sealed in the Ray of Amber, and never be able to be moved.
I can see where the problem is here. You couldn't decide whether to make this one line or two, and therefore did something in between by accident. I would word it as follows:
But then no one was supposed to be able to hand the fabled Rune Stone over to anyone; as it was supposed to be sealed away in the Ray of Amber, never to be moved.
It's not perfect and I'm sure someone else could come up with conciser version. Perhaps just play with it a bit yourself.
Another problem I've noticed is your use of speech marks "", which are wrong in most instances.
"Just hold your pants on lad, Pollis said, a little exasperated. The next part should mean right again, then 100 steps, then down. "Down, Pol inquired, scratchin' his scraggly red beard?"
Now the way speech marks work, is to indicate which is speech and seperate it from any description. So they need to enclose only words spoken by the characters out loud. What is inside the speechmarks also acts as a seperate sentence. So if a character is asking a question, for example.
"Is that a cup of Lord Hammerhelm's really tasty coffee you have there?" I asked, pointing at the mug in j_darling's hand.
The question mark always comes at the end of the speech not at the end of the description following it.
Also, every speaker gets a new line for thier speech to show it is a different person speaking.
As such, the speech from your story should be arranged as follows:
"Just hold your pants on lad," Pollis said, a little exasperated. "The next part should mean right again, then 100 steps, then down."
"Down, Pol?" he inquired, scratchin' his scraggly red beard.
Anyway, other than some grammer tweeks and a bit of jiggling with the speech marks, your story shows great promise, and is certainly worth investing the time over to edit. I am sure that when it is finished, it will gleam and sparkle in the most brilliant way.
I consider the hardest part of writing a story to be getting the plot, characters and content right, and in all those areas your piece has been done very well. As Lord Hammerhelm is doing very well to point out, we have an editing room:
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Where there are many grammer experts just waiting to be called on... or possibly just getting drunk in the CSFS bar... still, I'm sure they'll be happy to help.
Once your piece has been edited, I would be more than happy to return and give it the rating it truely deserves; as I really do think it is a wonderful piece and very much enjoyed reading it, so keep it up. |