Hi. I found this from the 'read a newbie' link.
I thought the title helps tell the story.
The first stanza is the best, drawing the reader in. The expression "woven webs of beauty" makes the reader imagine a muscular person with rippling muscles.
Since the third stanza reveals the friend as female, perhaps the first line could read 'she's' instead of the more confusing 'they're'
The question I have is whose hand you are holding --or wanting to hold-- in the second stanza?
The confusion continues in the final stanza, when the ones who seem to be winning in the previous stanza are not the same as the one (you) who is fighting. Perhaps what would clear it up is if you say "let US win the battle" rather than "HER".
Of course, if that's what you mean. this poem has a lot of potential. The message is profound and universal.
If you revise, you may want to include more poetic 'elements' in your work. That is; imagery, metaphor, layers of meaning, internal rhyme, alliteration and assonance.
I am used to Girl Scouts, but not Girl Guides. Are they the same thing? Well, clearly, they both sell cookies. I like how they piled up. The description of people's grim faces doesn't sound very appealing. Perhaps 'shocked' or 'gaping' faces is more likely.
I would suggest mentioning the variety and flavors of cookies.
Hi. I thought the title was intriguing.
When you said old tv, i was thinking of the ones with the picture tubes. Now, those were heavy! and awkward!
I was a little concerned about the length. But found that this story was easier to read than I expected.
The pace was a little labored at the beginning (mostly because of wordiness in the style). It picked up at the end.
It was much easier to read the section after the wife gets home. This is because the paragraphs and sentences are short.
I wondered through the story, why did you want to save the old TV? I would have just let it drop. Its a lot easier to move when its in pieces! Had the same experience moving an old hot water heater.
Enjoyed.
K
I work as an interpreter, and enjoy linguistics, so I was drawn to this essay because of the experience I have in languages. I thought the development was thought out. You kept to the topic with very little distractions (or so far as I noticed).
I was expecting some contrasts with other languages, because the description specified English.
I did enjoy, though it may be too long. So you may want to shorten it some. Just one opinion.
K
This reads like a ballad. I enjoyed this roller coaster of emotions. Seems to be a metaphor for the struggling poet!
While the meter is smooth and fluent, there was one thing that I questioned. I thought. Buzzards were scavengers. If that is true, our dear sparrow would have to be dead. I know that hawks (particularly cooper hawks) will kill smaller birds. So will blue jays. Of course none of these sound as ugly as a blizzard.
Enjoyed reading. I'm just being fussy!
The first thing i thought of was the 'honey dipper' who cleaned out the outhouses. I had fun reading this. Different cultures create great humor!
There were a few lines that didn't seem to follow the rhythm.
The last line is one of them Its always hard to pick up a quote or adage and try to fit it in your poem. It is not that big of a deal.
I enjoy the limerick sound of this poem. Appreciate that you don't call them limericks, though because they aren't.
The rhyme is perfect and the way the poem flows is very smooth. The last stanza was awkward to read. I was expecting:
"as I satisfy my soul".
I did enjoy the poem. I agree with the struggle. I have enough rejection slips to have a big barn fire. Hey! that's an idea!
K
This is a great form for this topic. There are 8 beats per line. That makes it tetrameter, I'm not sure about iambic. The fact that you can create a form like this is impressive.
I also like to experiment with different forms. i like the alliteration and assonance in some of the lines.
Great job. I have to laugh at this because I wrote a similar a few years ago. Will post it here for review.
the rhyme and meter were flawless. And the word pictures were very clear. Something all can relate to.
In the second to last stanza, instead of "if they make us swear' would it make sense to say "they may make us swear"?
Also, in the third stanza, their should be they're assuming you mean 'they are'.
Otherwise, a wonderful warning for those who must live with bugs!
Very funny and descriptive. I like the vision of the dog (who is missing a 'g' in the last paragraph) rolling in the grass. I live in Minnesota. You should see what they do in the snow!
By your description of his tongue hanging out, I can conclude that he is indeed high. I grew up in the 60's. I know what high looks like!
Enjoyed
I like the free verse form in this poem. Most poetry has layers. Is the poet's use of the word freedom in reference to the writing process?
The imagery is well controlled. A word about punctuation: sometimes less is better. In the third line, the meaning changes because of the comma. It depends on how it is read. Since poetry is meant to be interpreted, fewer commas allow the reader to think about the poem.
Good job. I like the feeling I have after reading it.
K
Enjoyed reading this. It made me feel like contributing to it. Like: serving size= as big an appetite you can muster and this makes a million servings if you have big enough heart!
This is a good thing. it gets people thinking... This is just too imaginative to suggest any improvements!
Great job!
K
I like the pace and rhythm of this poem. It could easily turn into a song. It reminded me of a song Uncle Al used to sing on TV. "Put Your Toys Away..." The refrain in the first and last line of each stanza is catching. There are only a few points that the meter falls short, but that mostly depends on how you read. This poem is not too long; not too short.
The place I stumbled while reading was "Hurry and make the bed" I wanted to read it: "Hurry and make up the bed".
Also, as I read it again, I realize the last stanza is a 'false rhyme' Turning and Returning?
Over all, I liked it. It reminds me of a poem I wrote a while ago called "Ninja Mom" I will try to find it and post it soon.
Thanks for the inspiration.
When I think of willows,I think of weeping (saying myself with the Lou Rawls reference)
But this poem makes me think of rest and pleasure. The tone is lyrical and the rhyme is natural.
The sound of wh is like a refrain that echos the sound of wind blowing through the willows lazy loopy branches. Ok. So the review is longer than the poem. Will post one of mine soon.
Only one suggestion: "I fly here (rather than THERE)....I am happy here" seems to fit the soft sounds you establish in previous lines.
Enjoyed.
I appreciate the historical explanation. This was well written and had an exciting flow. I like the humor in jack and jill being clumsy. This scene must have been what it looked like when Parliament convened once a year, since all the women came for the balls as well.
Truly a delightful story and imaginative. I can't think of anything that would improve it.
Hi Sis. I found your story. There are a few typos that will be discovered when you edit the story. Otherwise, I like the pace you established by using shorter sentences and other techniques. It may be that I am missing something, but I was a little lost at who was who and what they were doing. If there is another story where this background information is revealed, it may be worth the time to say that in the intro information.
You have described the bar scene well. You may be aware of the adage: show me; don't tell me. Think of some ways you can enhance your story with more clues and fewer statements like: "...I could see that it looked abandoned...". For example, that may be more "show" than "tell" by describing what made you think it was 'abandoned'. Just a few ideas for when you decide to edit this. Look forward to reading the whole thing!
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