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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/keiann
Review Requests: OFF
85 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
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Review of In Her Memory  
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
Ohhhh my gosh. I have not reviewed in like forever but I was just passing by and I saw this posted at the side of my port. I am surely glad I stopped by. The truth is that the title captured me and even the essence of the piece made me believe stopping by was worth it. It's short and sweet (which I believe made it even more moving that say a longer wordier piece). Keep writing from the heart darling and remember God bless. Feel free to pass by and review one of my chapters Sins of a Woman. :)
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Rated: E | (4.0)
I always say that those who use the vast expanse of their imagination to depict stories with the wonderful expressions of words are truly artists. I must say that I enjoyed the use of your descriptive words and expressions. It's not easy coming up with a n array of metaphors and similies here and there through writing pieces. So hats off to you my friend and remember to pass on the good deed of reviewing another's work.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of The Collapse (1)  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I must say that I was glad this story started from the conflict moment and not a long back ground story. I always advise writers to start with a capturing hook to hold the reader's attention and then the background story will find it's way into the piece naturally. So what will be the end result? You will have other readers such as myself wanting to know more about the story including the background story. So a well done job on this one my friend and don't forget to return the favour of giving reviews where reviews were given. :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Stay  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Oh my gosh, this was wonderful my friend. Bravo, you were able to make me stop read this piece "and" keep reading. I don't particularly have an appetite for poetry, but I do devour a good one when I get it. Keep up the good work, for poetry is obviously your area. Thank you for the opportunity and do pass on the good deed by giving a review to another. :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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5
Rated: E | (4.0)
In this world, we cannot use scientific things to prove/show the existence of a spiritual being. I've done research in my university and what I learned there is that a hypothesis is something that can be proven or disapproved through testing with the uses of sight, hearing, feeling, tasting and smelling. However, as you know, no one has ever seen God, so to attempt to use this general method of testing already is a failure. However, scientist use the very things God made to try and created a thesis that he is non-existent, which is ironic. Can we see the wind or whence it comes and where it goes? No. Yet we know the wind exist because we can feel its effects. So it is with God. We cannot see when he comes or goes, but we are aware of his effects through this created world he has given us. This is my opinion on the matter.
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Review of Birthday Sonnet  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wahoo, this is deep. The last line I must say is mind-boggling. I see in your port a lot of poems, so is it safe to assume that you're a poetry writer? Or is it that poetry chose you, you did not choose poetry? lol. My friend, keep up the good work, this was short, sweet and worth my time. I hope that you can stop by my port again and read on of my pieces from my novel in progress Sins of a Woman. You will not be disappointed.
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Nice lyrics. I would surely have liked to hear the song's melody. I have a question about the lyrics though, something that's boggling my mind. Is it that in the song, two friends like the same girl and the narrating friend is sort of jealous that his friend and the girl were getting close, so his jealousy eventually gets the best of him and he kills his friend then keeps it a secret by making it appear to be an accident? Please let me know. :)
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Review of Alone  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey there Bertos, I am reading your novel pieces "Alone" and I'm here to give you an honest, encouraging and respectful review. Anything that is written here is my own opinion and not meant to be negative or to bring you down as an upcoming author. If there is anything i am about to say that you do not agree with, feel free to discard my opinion and go with your own intuition, at the end of the day this is your story and you know how you want your story to flow. With that said, let's begin:

From the first paragraph, I recognized a glitch: He couldn’t have seen her off because of back to back meetings all day long. They were in the middle of a large project at work.
Something's missing and should get that rectified.
You could tighten the following sentence: The sun was just setting and the sky shown bright crimson with the few clouds taking on the same hue. To: The sun was just setting and the sky, a bright crimson had a few clouds taking on the same or the sky with its bright crimson had a few clouds taking on the same hue. . .etc.
The subject should follow the verb: The burger and fries were washed down with a cold beer as he sat on the front porch. This could be switched to: He washed down the burger and fries with an ice cold beer as he sat on the front porch.
Again this sentence could be tightened: Jeff watched the sun drop below the horizon, only briefly thinking that he should run in, grab a camera and try to catch this moment. To: Jeff watched the sun drop below the horizon and for a brief moment, he thought about grabbing the camera to capture the breath-taking scenery.
The dialogue should start on a new line, e.g.
“Hope you had a good dinner, I love you. Talk to you tomorrow, work was exhausting. Nite Hon.”
Dialogue also should be tight. I believe (and this is just my opinion) that there is too much going on in this dialogue. I get the impression that he got her voice mail and is just rattling everything off one time. If this is not for a voice mail, then he should address one thing at a time. E.g. "Hope you had a great dinner. . . mine, not so great. I had the usual; and fries with a cold beer, but what can I say, i miss your cooking hun. Can't wait for you to get back." Of course this would be flowed with her response, whether it was a chuckle or a short response.
Over my impression is that you have some nice writing skills that with some more honing and directing could be great for dramatic/ action stories. I believe that you should tighten your sentences, they don't flow so well and that can kind of disrupt the reader from really getting into your story. It's good to reread your stuff out loud, to someone else or to yourself to hear how it actually sounds other than how it looks on the paper. With that said, i know i would be seeing more works from you in the future. Keep on writing my friend. Once you have the passion for it, i know you'll reach for higher heights.
P.S. It would be nice if you could read one of my pieces.As one writer to the other. :)
9
9
Review of One Woman's Heart  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a sweet poem and I understand how you compared a weeping willow to a woman's heart. So nicely done. The piece was easy to read and simple, so nicely done with the flow as well. My favorite line is the last line which states "My weeping willow stands strong." I don't know but just the name weeping willow and then stating that it stands strong, bespeaks so much about the metaphor. For me, right there you perfectly captured the metaphor of this poem. So keep on writing my friend and I hope you can return the favorite with a review of my pieces as well. :)
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Review of The Bridge  
Rated: E | (4.0)
You and your psychologically stimulating stories eh. hmmmm, lol. I had a mine (after reading your previous works) that the Timmy boy would be different than he appeared to be. I enjoyed this one as well. Keep writing my friend. Oh and don't forget chapter two of mine ok!
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Boom! My gosh, this is a talented script and i'm loving the vibes. It was easy to read and so worth it! It also fits well with its title so you have indeed accomplished what you were working at. It is truly so easy to have a miscommunication when two people are on two different levels. How ironic that his son has an MBA in communication and yet he misunderstood where his father was coming from. That's to show how different one's perspective can be. Hey, it would be nice if you returned the favor and read a piece from my novel Sins of a Woman. That'll be really nice of you and i believe you'll enjoy it.
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Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Firstly, know that any comment i make is my own opinion and is not intended to be negative or to bring down the individual as on uprising author or detract from their work. My criticism should be taken with a grain of salt. With that said, lets begin.
I must say that sci-fic isn't really my genre, so excuse me if i couldn't follow through with some of what was written in your writing. Correct me if i'm wrong, but the world is in a crisis, in need of being restored and the weather is just one of the distractions that a certain ops group is using so as to start the restoration process. Jack is part of that group and has been for over twenty-years and Mike is a climatologist.
There was ALOT of dialogue talking and i realize that's the style you used for this piece. That is of course your choice, but I like showing what is going on to out balance telling or talking about what is going on. Again, you are the one to make that choice. I would like to see more character depth with this piece. All I know basically what the two men do and what they hope to accomplish, i don't feel like i know these men and so i was unable to connect with them. I gather a little that Jack seems to really want to save humanity, but i would have liked to know more about his personality. Does he hate to see people sick and suffering, does he donate to scientist to find new curers for diseases, is he a fund raiser for the fight again poverty and injustice against humanity? I don't feel like i know enough about these men. Since its a short story, you could probably show more of their characters through internal dialogue. That will help a lot. Here are some corrections you should look over.
I see an error here: dressed meticulously in a designer shirt and jeans suddenly heaved himself out of the chair, narrowing his dark eyes. There should be a comma between jeans and suddenly.
The floor opened revealing a stairway spiraling downwards underground. There should be a comma between the opened and revealing.
Something is missing in this sentence: He picked up a purple octagon faceted stone that was emitting rays of light in the tank and rolled around in his fingers and showed it to Mike.
You could probably change it to, and after rolling it around in his fingers, he showed it to Mike.
It's suggestive but you could remove a word from this sentence: See these reefs, they're biologically developed that when all ocean dwelling creatures swim by them or through them.
You could change it to swim by or through them.
This sentence sounds repetitive with the also's so try to replace one of them with another word:It also can freeze thousands of tons of water and restore ice caps to the north pole, so wildlife like seals and polar bears are safe again. It also pulls water from over flooded areas. It's an absolute marvel.
Missing a full stop at the end of the sentence: It could be a rubber boot and it will rearrange the structure to make it into bread"
Quotation mark at the end missing for this sentence: We already have everything we need, it's just a matter of when to get the ball rolling,
Missing an and here: started to pace back in forth
P.S. i know you're working on it right now and this is just to help you along.
Also this is my own thoughts and have nothing to do with the story. Remember that God alone can save the world. We as humans, try hard as we must, would never be enough to save this dying word. Only God can and He's coming back to do just that. Just as he promised he would.
Write on my friend!
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Review of Frolic  
Rated: E | (4.0)
My imagination was really going here, i imagined myself in a beautiful paradise like scenery with waterfalls and sweet melodious music from the creation around me. Thanks for sharing, you really have talent because for so little words you already had my imagination going.
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Review of Love Dreams  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
This reads like a nice sing along song and that is mad skills. I would have liked it to be a little longer though so it would be good if you could extend it to having like three verses or something. Then again the choice is yours but thanks for sharing, i enjoyed it!
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Review of These Two Hearts  
Rated: E | (3.0)
the story has a nice touch to it, and i could see it becoming a great book. A few things is to sharpen the story more.
>Firstly, there's a part where it reads, grabbing her hand tenderly, grabbing is naturally associated with an almost rough or rigid motion, so the author can replace that part of the sentence with something more fitting.
>"And she had never been so happy with someone in her life" I believe the author was trying to say anyone.
>It's a wedding, so it would be nice to get that sense and to actually picture it. The author needs to draw the reader in with some visionary descriptions.
>The paragraph when the bride has walked up the isle and begins to reflects could be looked over. There's too much telling and not much showing. The readers would want to get a feel of seeing how things unfold rather than just hearing it. Even if the author would like to give a history, it should be brief as to not momentarily pull the reader away from the occasion that is occurring, which is the wedding. Possibly how the bride and broom met could suffice for that particular paragraph.
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Review of Empathy  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
i loved it. absolutely loved the depth and the way it pulls you in with the profound use of words. this was really well done work. keep on writing. really enjoyed from start to finish.
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