|Hey there Bertos, I am reading your novel pieces "Alone" and I'm here to give you an honest, encouraging and respectful review. Anything that is written here is my own opinion and not meant to be negative or to bring you down as an upcoming author. If there is anything i am about to say that you do not agree with, feel free to discard my opinion and go with your own intuition, at the end of the day this is your story and you know how you want your story to flow. With that said, let's begin:
From the first paragraph, I recognized a glitch: He couldn’t have seen her off because of back to back meetings all day long. They were in the middle of a large project at work.
Something's missing and should get that rectified.
You could tighten the following sentence: The sun was just setting and the sky shown bright crimson with the few clouds taking on the same hue. To: The sun was just setting and the sky, a bright crimson had a few clouds taking on the same or the sky with its bright crimson had a few clouds taking on the same hue. . .etc.
The subject should follow the verb: The burger and fries were washed down with a cold beer as he sat on the front porch. This could be switched to: He washed down the burger and fries with an ice cold beer as he sat on the front porch.
Again this sentence could be tightened: Jeff watched the sun drop below the horizon, only briefly thinking that he should run in, grab a camera and try to catch this moment. To: Jeff watched the sun drop below the horizon and for a brief moment, he thought about grabbing the camera to capture the breath-taking scenery.
The dialogue should start on a new line, e.g.
“Hope you had a good dinner, I love you. Talk to you tomorrow, work was exhausting. Nite Hon.”
Dialogue also should be tight. I believe (and this is just my opinion) that there is too much going on in this dialogue. I get the impression that he got her voice mail and is just rattling everything off one time. If this is not for a voice mail, then he should address one thing at a time. E.g. "Hope you had a great dinner. . . mine, not so great. I had the usual; and fries with a cold beer, but what can I say, i miss your cooking hun. Can't wait for you to get back." Of course this would be flowed with her response, whether it was a chuckle or a short response.
Over my impression is that you have some nice writing skills that with some more honing and directing could be great for dramatic/ action stories. I believe that you should tighten your sentences, they don't flow so well and that can kind of disrupt the reader from really getting into your story. It's good to reread your stuff out loud, to someone else or to yourself to hear how it actually sounds other than how it looks on the paper. With that said, i know i would be seeing more works from you in the future. Keep on writing my friend. Once you have the passion for it, i know you'll reach for higher heights.
P.S. It would be nice if you could read one of my pieces.As one writer to the other. :)