I think the point of this piece is evident - your cat loves you!! And maybe that's all that's important, right?
The rhythm and rhyme of this piece is all over the place. Your rhyming isn't consistant - one stanza rhymes the 1st and 4th, while another the 1st and 3rd, and yet another the 2nd and 4th, etc. I suggest you keep it the same throughout. Also, I think you should have 4 lines per stanza to keep that even, too.
This is a touching and thought-provoking piece. I think that no matter the situation or place - business, nursing home, hospital, assisted living care home, etc. - that visits from loved ones are memorable, uplifting, and encouraging to the patients.
I like how you provide the different examples and situations you've been a part of and seen by doing the work you do. You sound like a gentle and caring person - someone those patients are very blessed to have. Keep it up.
What a sweet and loving poem! Very nice. You put forth your message of love and devotion in an honest and endearing way. It's refreshing to hear the realities of true, unconditional love.
Suggestions/Editing
I did notice a lot of spelling errors in this. I suggest you run spell check to spot these errors, so you can fix them.
However, there are some errors that spell check will not pick up. They are below:
as you look in there eyes
there should be their
I know your tender
your s/b you're
I notice that your poem is directed at two different readers - that of the general reader, and that of your partner. You flip-flop back and forth between the two, and I suggest you pick just one for this poem. If it's to the general reader and you're just expressing the overall feelings of love and your relationship, then tell it from this point of view. But if it's directed to your mate, then switch the pronouns to reflect this - you, us, we.
These lines just didn't sound right to me:
I'm thinking about us
Writing this, as I do.
You have some areas of this poem where the rhythm is uneven. I think with a little more tweaking, and perhaps even reading this out loud to yourself to see which areas need revising, then this poem can be even better.
Overall, a nice poem. If you'd like me to look at this again in the future, just let me know!
An interesting story, DukeLeto. You seem to have a good grasp on sci-fi.
I think you could have fleshed out your story-line more to make it clearer what the purpose is of the man's job and the idea of the story. I found it confusing to read at some points, and I had to re-read a few areas to get a clear story-line.
Thank you for entering:
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #741336 by Not Available.
An interesting story, DukeLeto. You seem to have a good grasp on sci-fi.
I think you could have fleshed out your story-line more to make it clearer what the purpose is of the man's job and the idea of the story. I found it confusing to read at some points, and I had to re-read a few areas to get a clear story-line.
Thank you for entering:
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #741336 by Not Available.
You have some interesting, and good points in this. While I didn't necessarily agree with all of your pet peeves (i.e. they're not some of my own), you still presented this clearly, and generally. Generally meaning that you don't attack one person or a select few - you present overall pet peeves.
I did notice a few areas in this where you seemed more frustrated and upset than others - and it comes out in your writing (talking of smacking people, use of vulgar terms) - I think this is distracting and takes away from your piece. In my opinion, it's not necessary.
What an emotional tale. This pulled me in so many different directions, emotionally. From first encounter with Karen, until the very end. Very nice writing! Keep it up!!
Suggestions/Editing
Except for the bartender it appeared empty...
You need a comma after bartender.
My mouth was temporarily incapable of speech and alcohol had nothing to do with it so I searched for some strength and found it in my beer.
A run on sentence. I suggesst putting a comma after 'it'
When you first mention her green eyes, you repeat the word 'green' multiple times in a very short span. I would consider revising some.
As I was apologizing for my clumsiness I froze.
Insert a comma after 'clumsiness'
A great story - thank you for entering it in:
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #741336 by Not Available.
This is an emotional poem - I'm sure it's difficult being without your father. I'm sorry for your loss.
Suggestion Now planted in a lawn, for the shell of this world is gone, yoked into bliss.
When I think of him there's so much we missed.
It seems as though you are trying to keep a rhythm of internal rhyme in each line of this first stanza. To keep up with this, I think you need to have it go like this:
Now planted in a lawn, for the shell of this world is gone,
Yoked into bliss. When I think of him there's so much we missed.
The first three stanzas have a set rhythm and internal rhyme in each line - but I'm not sure what you're trying to do with rhythm in the 4th and 5th stanzas. There doesn't seem to be a set rhyme or theme. You may want to try to keep the rhythm consistant throughout this piece.
I really enjoy your writing. It is interesting to read your experience with bipolar - have you ever thought about publishing a book of your experiences?
Some Suggestions
The expensive perfume you always wanted is with grasp, smell, and buying spell.
This didn't make sense to me - do you mean "within"?
A unique piece, as well as a unique topic. You write about the significance and meaning of these old t-shirts well. The reader can really grasp and know how much they mean to you.
Some editing notes:
Languidly,lounging amongst layers
You need a space after the comma
Yet ably warming the shivering self within.
Did you mean to have all these spaces?
In the fourth stanza you have a lot of "p" words - while I have nothing against this normally, I don't think it fits well with this poem. It's distracting.
There is a lot of emotion in this piece - it reminds me in a lot of ways of my last relationship - full of jealousy and emotional abuse - getting out of it and over it was not easy, but I'm doing it.
And in the meantime, I've found a true-love to lean on.
Editing note:
You have an ML tag showing at the end of this piece.
I think this is a nice piece - the "chaos" description you provide is so right on - I find myself mixed up in the same type of clutter and chaos in my own life.
The last line/sentence seemed incomplete to me - you may want to adjust this.
An interesting piece, sunflower. You have some great imagery and rhyme in this. It flows really well, and is almost song-like. Which is actually a question the reader may ask - is it supposed to be a song? You have the chorus at the end of this piece, making one think it's a song, but that's where you end it. Your genre is poetry, so I'm not entirely sure. You may want to make that clear.
Thank you for sharing your experience with bipolar with the rest of us here at writing.com. This was an interesting piece to read - you make it personal to your experience with the disorder, and you also provide some useful information for better understanding bipolar.
Suggestions/Edits
At that time the doctor gave my anti-depressants,
my s/b me
I chose not to belive her
s/b believe
what what is a personality trait that comes urgently and unexpectedly to the fore of life.
I was going to suggest punctuation and capitalization, but then realized that these certain lines I was looking at already had what was needed - they were just really, really long sentences!
There are some lines that seem longer than others, that take away from the overall flow of this piece, but otherwise, nice work.
Wow! This is unreal, Sunflower - I would have never guessed that these famous people were bipolar. (This coming from a psych major, too )
I was especially shocked by Sheryl Crow, Ben Stiller, and Robin Williams! I'd be interested to see the bios you write up on each of these people mentioned - it will be interesting to read about their experiences with being bipolar.
This is not only an interesting piece, it's also informative. A great job!
This is a treasured, touching, and loving poem for your daughter. Motherhood is truly a changing time for a woman, or parents in general. It's when your heart grows wings and lives in the precious body of your son or daughter.
I think this story has a good moral to it, as good stories often do. I like the conversation between the woman and the Indian - you provide some good Indian history and teachings in this.
So why the 3.5 stars? Well, I think you could smooth this out some, and add more in certain parts as well. Some areas of this seemed to drag on, and weren't really needed. Other parts could benefit from extending the writing and detail some. Go through this again on your own, and I think you'll see what I mean.
What an emotional, sad, and touching piece of writing - Thank you for sharing it. That moment you shared that Sunday afternoon seems priceless, a peaceful moment take out from chaos and fighing. The ending is sad and heart-breaking. I like how you continued the story to the present, and the new addition to your family - at first I was wondering why you kept on writing more to the storey, clearly after its end, but I see now why, and I think it's a wonderful way to end it.
I enjoyed the beauty of this poem, and how you relate and compare a rose to one's life. There are some great comparisons, I enjoyed how you made me think about it all, and see it too. I love comparisons like that - very clever.
I have a few suggestions for you. I think there are a few things you can do to help improve the poem in certain parts, and overall.
In the second stanza, I noticed you use "it" quite a bit. You may want to consider revising some of these so it's not so repetitive. In this stanza you start off with Your life parallels the life of this rose. You may just want to say 'life' and omit the 'your' altogether.
Overall, you had some great flow to this. The rhyming was smooth, though I think you could have ended the poem a little more solidly - rhyming 'passed' with 'past' got you off the hook a little too easy.
Write on!
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I did notice a lot of spelling errors in this. I suggest you run spell check to spot these errors, so you can fix them. 