|Hello to you! I have been away for awhile and am trying to get back into my reviewing. It helps me and hopefully you too.
I enjoyed reading this but it seemed to be more in a synopsis form. I think you tell a great story but this could be more in depth, more characterization, more mood enhancement, more description. And I am not saying this is badly written, just that you could describe it more in depth. You obviously know how to keep the story moving and the interest in tack. And there are few, if any, grammatical errors, nor is it in need of editing. You have done a good job!
In a published book you will find about 20-25 pages to each chapter and it will be full of rich description, setting of scenes, a lot of well chosen adverbs and adjectives, and more characterization. My form of writing is to write the outline, then do some characterization of characters and then, when I am ready to write I start with an exciting first scene that hooked the reader and sets down something for the reader to look forward to as they read. And, if it still seems vague I choose areas to broaden and richen.
Perhaps you could begin with Mario's speech and the history of the people following that. The battle, the ACTION will bring your reader in and form his interest to keep reading. What I am saying is that if you start with a high impact action sequence it will quickly peek your reader's interest and keep them reading your work. And a little back story never hurts either woven into the story to add length and interest.
I hope my review has been of help to you. It comes with the sincere hope of helping and I in now want to belittle your work. Please let me know if you have any questions on anything I have written here. It is a good story and you have done a good job.