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51
51
Review of Who I Am  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very intelligent work! I had to reread this several times, because you're right, it is thought-provoking.
I personally believe that the body is important, because without health, one can't enjoy much of life, can they? But that's my philosophy.

After I got past the several re-reads, and by the
way, each time I read it, it was more intriguing, I found that it could flow a little better with a few suggestions:


My body isn’t me.
I am not my body.
It is merely the vessel
that encases who I am.

This stanza could be placed later in the poem or even removed altogether. The rest of the poem says the same thing but more elaborately.

Also, the following stanza seems to be a better
beginning for the poem:

Who am I? What am I?
How do I think of who I am?
No sharply focused image of my body
comes to my mind.
Instead, I am what I think and believe,
how I act and react – my intellect,
my accumulated wisdom and experience,
my compassion and concern,
what I stand for, what I oppose,
how large my loves,
how small my hates and prejudices.
THIS is who I am.

Also the ending, like the first stanza, feels as
if it's not necessary. The previous stanza about your wife is so beautiful, that it really doesn't need
anything else added at the end.:)
Hope this helped!
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52
52
Review of In the Beginning  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This was very creative and delightful to the senses.

In the fourth line, you wrote:

along the land awash with wet and warmth:(/i)

I felt that line was uneccessary. The description following it more than says the same thing. You could remove it and have it go like this:

Tentative tortoise-shell calico cat
picks a cautious, wary way
on tender six-toed pad
along the matted lawns of limpid leaves
and woven flattened grasses
blanket lost limbs from backyard willow,
forgotten garden's mushy pumpkin husk,....

Also, I think it would read better if you removed
the comma in:
Cat, yawning deep in breeze
and chirp


Hope this helped!
Good luck in the contest!
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53
53
Review of Chocolate Affair  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This was very poetic, with fine strokes of artistic
flair. An extremely good read!

Just a couple of things:
1)
First she faced the display counter, one arm slightly outstretched as if her hand were divining rod and

I think you meant: ...as if her hand were a divining rod

2)Gina charged her purchase, signing the slip with a carefless flourish. She folded her Godiva bag crisply, and we turned as one to go home.

Here, you probably meant ..signing the slip with a careless flourish.

Also, the first sentence and second didn't quite go.
One minute, she's sort of careless, and the next, she folds the bag crisply, as if she likes things to be ordered. Maybe change the word - crisply - to something else.

Thanks for a wonderful chocolate experience!
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54
54
Review of Thor's Hammer  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Terrell,

This was very fascinating to read! It flowed well, and was a powerful story. I very much liked the details. They made everything so realistic.

Below, I have a few suggestions:

1)It would be easier on the eyes if the paragraphs were seperated by a double space, particularly in the very beginning.

2)Watch out for the commas.
There was another pause as she relayed the message to the other person in the room, probably the Chancellor himself.

You could add a comma here: There was another pause, as she relayed...

As he did so a pair of wings unfolded from his back and as they gracefully spread open and began flapping, he slowly rose from the ground. The men aimed and fired but nothing happened.

And here, you could change this into two sentences: As he did so, a pair of wings unfolded from his back, gracefully spreading open. He slowly rose from the ground. The men aimed and fired, but nothing happened.

3)Also, when you have more than one "and" in a sentence, typically, you would add a comma.

The box was rather heavy and he had to stop two or three times and catch his breath, but he kept going.

For example: The box was rather heavy, and he had to stop two or three times and...

Overall, I really enjoyed reading this!
Keep up the good work!
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