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72 Public Reviews Given
74 Total Reviews Given
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26
26
Review of Unexpected  
Review by Linz
Rated: E | (3.0)
Interesting story. Plot is sound.

Dialogue should be separated by line breaks, so that each time a different character speaks, they have their own line. For example;
"Lovely evening," said Jim.
Carl paused in his task of washing the car and squinted up at the bright sunlight. "Sure is," he replied.
"Frosty tonight though, apparently," said Jim.

I also think the story could be extended. I feel like Eleni got her own way a bit too easily, and why didn't her parents confess before she boarded the plane? I feel like there was a lot of potential conflict that could have added even more interest to the story, but was missed.
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27
Review by Linz
Rated: E | (2.5)
"Going to", not "gonna".
Twenty minutes, not 20
And Munch leaves at sunrise, not sunset.

Great concept, but it smacks of lack of research, and if you're going to write a Sci-fi story, you need to know the science - and you need to know it even better if you intend to break its rules.

First of all, orphan or rogue planets do exist. They're planets which formed in a similar way to ours, but then a neighbouring planet gets too close and boots them out of their solar system.

However.

A planet without a sun would have no light at all, the atmosphere would collapse, and any heat would come from underground, probably underwater. Any life would likely be aquatic and simple.

But let's suspend belief for a second. Let's say complex life did evolve - and evolved on the surface, and Space Kid is the result.

Space Kid wouldn't need night vision on their helmet.

If we look at animals that live in complete darkness on Earth, they're either blind, or don't have eyes at all, because they simply don't need them. Or they are bioluminescent. You can't compare them to nocturnal animals such as owls and cats, because their eyes are adapted to make use of the tiniest hint of light, which Space Kid wouldn't have.

Which brings me neatly on to another point:

No sun, no moonlight.

Even if such rogue planets have moons (how? What are they orbiting?) there wouldn't be any moonlight. What we see as moonlight is actually reflected sunlight, bouncing off the moon's surface. This is physics 101.

So we have an improbable alien that's evolved to live on the surface of an orphan planet, that can see, despite having no evolutionary need for eyes at all, let alone sight.

And, after evolving on such a world, this alien is somehow still compatible with a world that is as far removed from their own as it's possible to get - Earth.

That takes more than simply suspending belief - it takes abandoning it.

The simplest way to fix this is to have Space Kid evolve on a planet that orbits a distant star, somewhere far more compatible with our own planet. Maybe it's a planet on the outer edge of its solar system, like Pluto. You'd still be stretching belief, but it's far more plausible than an alien from a rogue planet.

https://www.space.com/818-orphan-planets-hard-knoc...

Now that's the science lessons out of the way.

Why is it Space Kid who goes and checks that Munch's parents are asleep? That wouldn't be natural.

If they can find their way to the site in the dark without maps, why does Munch need it when going home?

There's no real sense of suspense, of danger, of getting caught.

Are they watching the moon, or the sunrise? If so, why do they have to stay out all night, instead of sneaking out an hour or so before sunrise?
28
28
Review of The Shadow  
Review by Linz
Rated: E | (2.5)
Is this for a flash fiction contest? I'm just wondering if that's why you'd added the word count at the bottom.

This has a lot of promise, but it needs work. There are a lot of grammatical/punctuation errors, which should really be tackled before posting it for review, and has affected my rating. If it is for a contest, I'd say it's nowhere near ready.

The opening could be stronger. Consider changing the first two sentences to something like, "Jerry was on his way to the local store for his daily newspaper, when he noticed his shadow was missing...". Says the same thing, but, in my opinion, grabs the attention more.

There's a continuity error as he continues. He can grab the mask, but not the paper. The piece never really explains why. Again, if there's a word limit, especially one as tight as our daily flash fiction contest, then that can be forgiven to some extent, but best to be aware of them.

I'm not sure a medical professional would be as blunt as saying "you died of a heart attack." More likely they'd say "Take it easy Mr Jones.
You're in hospital/an ambulance, on your way to hospital. You went into cardiac arrest but the medic was able to revive you."

Now for the positives:

You have a unique way of portraying the moment of death. The way Jerry moves from living to dead is seamless, and the reason for his disappeared shadow remains a mystery til the end. The piece also ends on a positive note, and it's a full story, with a beginning, middle and end. I'd have liked to see a bit more in the way of description, and more of an emotional reaction as he comes round, but again, if there's a reason the piece is so short, it's hard to get as much detail in as you'd want.

All in all, it has potential to be a good flash fiction piece, but does need editing.
29
29
Review of Ripper: One  
Review by Linz
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I enjoyed this. I'd like to know more about the Voices, I think many people with split personalities name them, but that's up to you as the writer. I will say though, that as it's clear there are at least three, unless they're very distinct from eachother, it could get confusing without some form of name.

In my opinion, the fact the town had been scorched, and there was a "beast", involved was a giveaway that the "beast" was a dragon, long before the reveal. If that was your intention, then great, you're on point. If not, then perhaps foreshadow less.

I'm not feeling how loud the MC closes the door. I don't get why it would echo, unless this is a dream or hallucination, so you lost me slightly there.

I see you put TBC at the bottom. To me, this works as a flash/short story piece and I'm satisfied enough with the conclusion of this part that I may or may not read the next. I'm not sitting here wondering what happens next.

Good work, well done. :)
30
30
Review of The quiet one  
Review by Linz
Rated: E | (3.0)
It's a good story, very emotional, makes the reader wonder what's happened to the protagonist's family and what she has to do. That keeps the reader engaged.


The waitress approached her which made her jump.(new paragraph here) 'An ice coffee please,' She asked meekly.

I've copied this from the story to highlight a number of grammar issues. Dialogue should always be on its own line, separated from the surrounding narrative, lower case "s" for "she", and a comma should be at the end of the dialogue sentence, inside the quotation marks. For example, if this paragraph was a story's narrative, then I'd write dialogue like this:

"It's a lovely day," she said.

Every time a new character speaks, they'd have their own line:

"It's a lovely day," she said.
"Yes, it is, isn't it?" he agreed.

The narrative would then continue below the dialogue.

Hope that helps. :)
31
31
Review of Misbelief  
Review by Linz
Rated: E | (3.5)
Beautiful story, but there are a few inconsistencies:

1) The twins. They're mentioned, but don't really add anything to the story. I'd say they'd actually work better as dogs or cats, or some other pet that can be left alone - not seven year old kids.

2) If he was left alone from the age of 10, why wasn't he taken into care? Someone, somewhere would have known there was a feral kid trying to fend for himself, and done something about it. Police stopping to ask where the kid's parents are, a neighbour getting suspicious that she's never seen an adult, a teacher raising concerns with the head and getting the authorities involved. Likewise, neighbours would see him coming and going, they'd know there were kids in that house, alone. They'd call the authorities.

3) Also, on that note, he wouldn't be constantly happy if his parents hated him. Kids want their parents' approval, and not being able to get it affects their self confidence. He'd be withdrawn, keeping to himself, not happy-go-lucky and trying to make everyone else feel better. If he was so happy and confident, it makes more sense that that would rub off on the adults around him, than it does that they hated him for it.

4) Faye hates herself and has self confidence issues. Take it from someone who knows - the very last thing she'd be wearing is a tight-fitting, backless dress. Of any length. More like an oversized sweater and full-length trousers. To wear something like that dress takes confidence.

That aside, the way in which they meet, and the way in which they part is beautiful and touching, and I like the snow pictures and the mystery around them. I can see a prequel centred around that - you could really build up the sense of mystery, while keeping James in the shadow, smiling softly to himself.
32
32
Review by Linz
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well written, very touching, and so moving. Very true, too. It has a Wizard of Oz touch to it.

The only problem I had with it, is the ending's so predictable, I saw it coming a mile off.
33
33
Review by Linz
Rated: E | (1.0)
Every villain is the hero of their own story, and likewise, every hero is therefore the villain in that story. That isn't anything new. It's a tactic to make the villains/antagonists a little more sympathetic. That's exactly what Disney have done with Maleficent, and what theatre has done with Wicked.

That said, I think it would take skill to explain how Cinders was forced to cook and clean for her stepfamily.

Other than that, this story feels unfinished to me, which is why I've given it the rating I have. I'm not saying it's awful - because it isn't - but it does need work. Cinderella doesn't even get mentioned - not by name, anyway, so it's a stretch to call her a villain.

There's also a lot of "telling" and not a lot of "showing". For example, when Lady Tremaine begs her new husband to stay and not travel for work, then you could show that with dialogue. . . If I may?
"Oh, darling, please don't go! We don't need jewels, or new clothing - I could easily make anything we do need. I've been alone for so long, I don't want to have to cope alone again!"

I'm also intrigued as to what her daughters think of being forced to give up their luxurious lifestyle, just because their mother fell in love with a commoner. (it's been a very long time since I've watched or read Cinderella, but wasn't her father an axeman, or a carpenter?) I was always left with the impression that they were worse than their mother.

You have a good idea for a novella or perhaps novel, and as Cinders goes on to marry a prince, her stepfamily's fall from riches to rags while she goes in the opposite direction, would be one that I'd find intriguing, but as a flash fiction piece, I don't think it could work.

Good luck with it. :) If you do extend it, I'm happy to come back and review it again.
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34
Review of My Blog  
Review by Linz
Rated: E | (3.5)
Sounds like you're having a tough time of it. Depression is the worst - I struggle with it, too. My advice? Don't just have a To Do list - have a "Done" list, too. I'm sure you know, but when you're depressed, even getting out of bed in the morning is an achievement - so count that as something to go on the "Done" list.

Have you tried analysing you thought patterns? What I mean by that is, whenever I feel like. . . Say, "I'm a useless human being/my dog would be better off with someone else." Or whatever self-harming thought I have at the time, I stop and think to myself, "if I wasn't depressed, would I be thinking like this?" Answer's invariably "no", so I tell myself, just the depression, being an anus again." (Or words to that effect. ;) )

Congratulations on the pregnancy.

I like the "mostly vegan" comment. I call myself dairy and egg-free vegetarian, as I'll only have honey, but "mostly vegan" is easier to say.

Be kind to yourself. Take a deep breath and remember, "this too shall pass."
35
35
Review by Linz
Rated: E | (3.5)
There is some very vivid imagery here, and I feel like I was there. I understand the need to get up and out of the door before breakfast, so I can relate to that.

I don't really see the need to mention the make/designers of the girls' bags/purses. If I were to describe a bag, it would probably focus on the size. But that could be a personal thing.

When you describe the weather as "warm" I felt that was enough - no need to put "a bit warm". For me, "a bit warm", would be cool.

"At the door side" = nearest the door.

"Zoe had to stop at a cafe" and "Zoe had to turn round to her sisters in the back." In both of these cases, I think you'd say exactly the same thing if you just said "Zoe stopped at a café" and "Zoe turned round to her sisters." And cut the "had to" from those sentences. "Had to" suggests she was forced, and as she's driving with her siblings, I'm guessing no one is forcing her to do anything.

Zoe goes to a café for pastries for their breakfast. Why didn't she just buy the coffee from there, saving her two or three trips? Also, I'm in England, so maybe America's different, but certainly here, coffee is sold unsweetened, so it's up to the buyer to add sugar (or not), so when Zoe asks for sugar, for me, it goes without saying that she prefers it sweeter than they make it.

Each time a new character speaks, start a new line - although that could be a formatting issue, and therefore not your fault.

Missing opening quotation mark before "That's $15.75. . ." (Expensive coffee!)

Shacking - I think you meant "shaking"? No "c"

"Hailey was shocked to see her brother and sisters staring at her astonished and horrified."

Those are just my opinions on your story, but otherwise I enjoyed it. Well done. :)
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