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76
76
Review of Taboo  
Review by writeartista
Rated: E | (4.0)
Date:11-09-07
Review of: Taboo
          , ID#1335910, written by: Marty Livingston

Review by: writeartista (mariapanlilio), a member of the WDC Angel Army * WDC Rising Stars * RAOK. Also a WDC Angel Army Star Reviewer, Author of the Month, Hall of Fame Awardee, and a Rising Star Superstar.

* * * * **Heart** * * * *


Welcome to my Reviewing Corner
It's been a pleasure reading your story.


My general impression:
         I like it! It's well written, in a stroll-in-the-park lazy kind of way. Does that make sense?
         I bet it wasn't easy to write something like this -- a taboo topic about cousins who harbor a certain fascination toward one another. And not to mention that the boy's 12 years old, and the girl's half his age.
          The boy realizes that others would think of it as something sick, but he can't help himself. Luckily, nothing happens, and the two grow up and marry other people. Then, they both get divorced, and they meet each other again.

My comments/suggestions on technicalities:

This is a very clean manuscript. I did not notice any glaring mistakes, except for the following, which are insignificant.

You write:
         “I have been watching you dance and skip.
My suggestions:
          Add a quotation mark after period.

You write:
         Tim and Dina both went back to there own places for lunch.
My comment:
         Change [there] to [their].

I look forward to reading more of your work.

Write on.

Writeartista
LOOK, MOM, I'M FLYING  (13+)
My skydiving experience. Rewritten in honor of my departed Mom for Mother's Day.
#1140678 by writeartista

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77
77
Review by writeartista
Rated: E | (3.5)
Date:11-08-07
Review for: The WDC Rising Stars
Review of: The Courage Of A Child, ID#1174459, written by: mylyndoll
Review by: writeartista (mariapanlilio), a member of the WDC Angel Army * WDC Rising Stars * RAOK. Also a WDC Angel Army Star Reviewer, Author of the Month, Hall of Fame Awardee, and a Rising Star Superstar.

* * * * *

Dear Rising Star,

Welcome to my Reviewing Room
It’s been a pleasure reading your story.


Congratulations for winning my donated prize to the WDC Rising Stars 1st Anniversary Auction. (Five comprehensive reviews, 10,000 GPs, and three customized sigs of my design)

This is the first of five reviews, and I am reviewing your "The Courage of a Child" .

My general impression:
         You posted this a year ago, and today, this sensitive subject is still so timely given the ongoing GAP’s child labor scandal in China. But we know that this goes on in many countries, has been, since time immemorial. I don’t think we’ll see the end of it in this lifetime.
         This has the potential of being a really good piece with a little more work.

My comments/suggestions on technicalities:

The name “Cortabald” does not mean anything to me. I would have liked a description of the location, and the name of the country or region. Somehow, I think the setting is South America.

Your text:
          The day passes into night; the night into day and I am not sure --
My suggestions:
          Add [comma] after [day], as in “the night into day, and”

Your text:
          My life changed for darkness since the day that I was brought to --
My suggestions:
          Delete [that], as in “the day I was brought to--” Almost always, the word ‘that’ is not necessary, so avoid using it. There are other places in the manuscript where you used it in the same context.

Your text:
          I work as a piecer in for the workhouse--
My suggestion:
          Delete [in].

Your text:
          . . . .so I could help our family live; --
My suggestion:
          Delete [live].

Your text:
          I often dream of speaking to the rest of the group to organize a small revolt, but I am fearful of the repercussions if I were to be caught. Our overseer, his name is Thomas Pithy and he is like the devil in human form.
My suggestions:
          The word [revolt] is too extreme for a child. How about [protest], or [demonstration]?
         Change [be caught] to [get caught].
          [Our overseer, his name is Thomas Pithy and he is like the devil in human form.] I think this would sound better this way: [Our overseer, Mr. Thomas Pithy, is like the devil in human form.]

Your texts:
          He came up from behind as I could not hear for the loud machine sounds.
         It felt as if it would seal forever so painful was his hold on my face.
         I grew tired, unable to maintain my strength so long were my days.
My suggestions:
          These sound awkward. Consider revising for clarity.

Your text:
          We talked almost silenty, in hushed tones during the night watches.
My suggestion:
          Delete [almost silently,].

Your text:
          . . . . he had grabbed an unsuspecting child by the name of Jessie by her hair.
My suggestion:
          Delete [by the name of Jessie].

Your text:
          “I can’t let you do this", she said firmly.
My suggestion:
          Comma is always inside the quotation mark. You have several places in the manuscript that you need to change, such as this one: [“Ok, Polly", I told my friend, "you win!" "No more talk of leaving!”] Also, delete the extra apostrophe before [No].

Your text:
          Today seemed as uneventful as it usually was except that when I went past the door that led to the workroom of the mill. It had been left ajar and eyed it with expectant eyes.
My suggestion:
          It seems that this can be worded differently to make it sound better. Let’s try something like this: [Today seemed as uneventful as it usually was till I noticed that the door leading to the workroom of the mill had been left ajar. I eyed it expectantly, excited at the thought of exiting through that door to freedom.]

Your text:
          I ran up to Heloise and Eunicethere,
My suggestion:
          Is [Eunicethere] correct?

My final comments/suggestions:

Polly’s not such a good friend, after all. Maybe she betrayed Bethany because she didn’t want her best friend to leave her.

         It is not my intention to rewrite your story, but I hope the above comments and suggestions can help improve its construction. These are mere suggestions, and you may ignore all, or any of them, as you wish.

         If you have any further questions, please do not hesitate to ask me.

         I look forward to reading more of your work.

Write on.

Writeartista
LOOK, MOM, I'M FLYING  (13+)
My skydiving experience. Rewritten in honor of my departed Mom for Mother's Day.
#1140678 by writeartista

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78
Review of dreaming EDSA  
Review by writeartista
Rated: E | (4.0)
Date:11-07-07
Review for: (dreaming EDSA ), ID#1342953, written by: Bobby (simonsez)
Reviewed by: writeartista (mariapanlilio), a member of the WDC Angel Army * WDC Rising Stars * RAOK. Also a WDC Angel Army Star Reviewer, Author of the Month, Hall of Fame Awardee, and a Rising Star Superstar.

* * * * *

Dear cababayan,

WELCOME TO WDC!


First, thank you for reading my Item #1159669 -- "Invalid Item" . I appreciate your comments.

Next, I noticed that you just joined Writing.Com on the 3rd of November. This is a great site for professional and amateur writers, and I am sure you'll love it and benefit a lot from it. Reviewing is not only addicting, but it helps you improve your craft, so I recommend that you do it as much as possible. Please feel free to ask me any question, and I will try to assist you as much as I can. It looks like you got a good start already by posting several items. Good for you. If I may suggest that you expand your bioblog a bit so we can get to know you better. Personally, I'd like to know in what province you live in the Philippines, and what you do there?

As you requested, I am reviewing your short fiction entitled dreaming EDSA. I will not sugar coat my review to give you preferential treatment as a cababayan *Smile*; I promise that you will receive only sincere and honest evaluation of your work from me.

My general impression:
         I like it! You short-changed yourself a lot when you said that I'm a lot better writer than you. So please, next time you read any of my work, I would like to know if anything just didn’t seem right to you. Even some of the best writers here, including those who’ve been published, sometimes make a mistake. We all do.
         Good start with this short piece. The message, however, did not go through the clarion loud and clear, and I feel that you can strengthen it a bit. I also had a problem with the tense switching. It was confusing to me at times.

My comments/suggestions on technicalities:

Your title:dreaming EDSA
My suggestions:
         Capitalize [dreaming].
         You might want to define the acronym [EDSA ] because a lot of people would not know what it means.

Your text:
         Truth never come in disguises, it was the bearers that do.
My suggestions:
          Replace [come] with [comes].
          Replace [comma] after [disguises] with a [semicolon],
          Delete [it was] and [that]

Your text:
         Strange. The place is veiled by a soft silvery light, like of the moon’s, yet there were none that night.
My comment:
         [The place is veiled by a soft silvery light] is a passive phrase. For me, it’s all right to have it once in a while, but try to avoid it as much as possible.
          Also, I had to pause and think while what you meant here, but I still don’t get it. What night? Maybe it’s just the tense switch that confuses me.

Your text:
         . . . .spurts of trees that grew like melting candles.
My comment:
          Very nice. I like the imagery.

Your text:
         The land is bare as a desert . . . . An air of horrid desolation held the night into stillness.
My comment:
          [is bare] and [held the night]. This is just another example where tense switching throws me off, which is distracting. It interrupts the flow of your text, and slows the read.

Your text:
         “One to normal, two to swell, three to shrink” a man without a face keeps on telling him as he toys with his camera, he seem to be covering the event. “One to normal, two to swell, three to shrink” he repeated.
My suggestions:
          Change [he seem] to [he seems].
          Put a comma before the end quote if there’s a tag, as in: [three to shrink,” a man without a face keeps on telling him . . . .], and then again here: [three to shrink,” he repeated. ]
         Also, in the same sentence, it is not clear who is toying with the camera. I suggest revising it for clarity.

Your text:
         . . . .and his tongue forks, like to those hideous lizards he had seen on movies. He held his mouth, kept silent, until he’s ok again.
My suggestions:
         Delete [held his mouth,] because it’s redundant with [kept silent].
         Delete [to].
         Change [on] to [in].
         Change [ok] [all right].

Your text:
         “I’ll endure it,” he thought, “to tolerate petty falsehood is lesser evil than to hurt. And fortitude too, is courage”. His justifications shamed him, but he has to appease his mind.
My suggestions:
         Delete the quotation marks. (I feel that if it’s just an inner dialogue, there’s no sound, and there’s no need for the quotation marks.) If you decide to keep them, then I suggest you put the period inside the end quote, as in [courage.”]
         Tense switch. Change [shamed] to [shames].

Your text:
         Little by little he withdraws from the crowd, stays by the sideway, and sat.
My suggestions:
         Tense switch. Change [sat] to [sits], or [sits down].

Your text:
         “’Tis a pitiful creature” an old man by the crowd uttered, his four eyes have been studying him for quite sometime now, “he’s the sorriest jellyfish I’ve ever seen!

My suggestions:
         Change [“’Tis a pitiful creature” ] to [It is] or [It’s] a pitiful creature,”]
         Tense switch. Change [uttered] to [utters].
         Also, it’s not clear to me why the old man has four eyes. Is that his disguise? Is it a mask?

My comments/suggestions on technicalities:

I hope the above can help improve your story. These are mere suggestions, and you may accept them, or ignore them as you wish.

If you have any further questions, please do not hesitate to ask me.

I look forward to reading more of your work.

Write on.

Writeartista
LOOK, MOM, I'M FLYING  (13+)
My skydiving experience. Rewritten in honor of my departed Mom for Mother's Day.
#1140678 by writeartista

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79
79
Review by writeartista
Rated: E | (5.0)
Star Power!

This Forum is as spectacular as a starry, starry night in winter. The Circle of Sisters and their Rising Stars generate so much light and energy every day; it's hard to keep up with all the activities going on.

I am proud to be a part of this galaxy of super stars.

writeartista

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
(An original artwork and
sig design by writeartista)
80
80
Review by writeartista
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hooray for Shyla and her two children. This could have easily been a highly tragic story, as many violent relationships end with. Glad to see a very happy ending on this one.

You write very well. It's easy to read and very descriptive. You have an issue with punctuations and spacing between sentences. These are easy to correct during editing so I won't even list them.

However, I will nit pick on a few sections; here goes:

--to anticipate her husbands <<change to husband's>>

“It’s ironic I should be thankful you raised your hand” <<a period after hand>>

“Jeev, I’m leaving you. “ sounded in his stunned ears. <<replace period with a comma after you, and delete space before the close quote mark>>

Her company <<had>> given her a six-month posting

I will refrain from making some technical corrections on word choices or spelling since you obviously are not from the U.S. (Is it India?)For example: have learnt (we say have learned)

That's it for now.

I saw your review on the public reviewing page with a pink ribbon for a breast cancer sig. May I suggest that you visit orientpearl's port? She writes about her personal experiences about breast cancer. Her I.D.# is: 1219105.

Write on.

writeartista

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81
Review of Melody  
Review by writeartista
Rated: E | (5.0)
(A REVIEW TO AN ANGEL ARMY AND RISING STAR

Wow, hummingbird. You've created so many sigs. My first time to visit this folder. You've been busy. Glad to see your energetic and enthusiastic presence in the various groups and activities, especially the auctions to benefit various fund raising projects.

I am an artist, and I have just recently decided to create sigs and make my own donations to various groups, such as the WDC Angel Army, and the Rising Stars. When you find the time, visit my port, and check out my sigs in various folders.
  Misc. Sigs and Images  (E)
Here you'll find the various sigs and images I use.
#1315618 by writeartista


I thought about you when I started creating this particular sig with my original watercolor of a hummingbird and roses. I've donated this to the Angel Army for their fund-raising project: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Keep drawing and writing.

Maria

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



82
82
Review by writeartista
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I had to read this poem twice to enjoy its greatness more, as well as to gain a clearer understanding as to the identity of the victim. (I hope it wasn't you.) First I thought it might have been Benji ("I'll Always be your friend") who suffered fatally from her brother's sexual abuse. But then, on the second read, I deduced that the violence is between a man and a woman--husband and wife, to be precise. This is a typical story of domestic abuse, where the man inflicts so much grievous bodily harm to the woman, then later asks for forgiveness, only to repeat the offense again and again.

You managed to create a dark story wrapped around some incredible phraseology that makes it readable. I look forward to read the chapter behind this poem.

Write on.

Maria

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83
83
Review of The White Flower  
Review by writeartista
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thou shalt not steal! (*Smile*) I, too, sometimes cannot resist kidnapping flowers from the fields, or worst, from public and private gardens. Ssshhh! Kidding aside, this is a beautiful and spiritual poem. Your vivid prose and imagery is mesmerizing. I felt the religious message in my heart and I am bathed with His glory.

Thank you for your wondrous words.

Write on.

Maria

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84
Review of The Rose  
Review by writeartista
Rated: E | (4.5)
(A REVIEW FOR THE WDC RISING STAR/SHINING BRIGHT)

Date: 09-29-07
Subject: ("The Rose"
Rising star: randomangel

My General Comment:
         Bravo! Congratulations for placing first on the Daily Flash Fiction Contest for this entry. I can see why it won. This is very well crafted and engaging. I was captivated by your descriptions, and your vivid prose. Who could resist an opening like this: "It hits me like a blast of icy wind, as he sits there.

My Technical Comments:

         The presentation format distracted me a bit. I think it would look much better left justified, instead of centered on the page.

          This is very clean and crisp. I didn't spot any grammar, spelling or punctuation errors. But let me nit pick a little, please.

         Your text:
         “ I watch him studying the rose carefully, slowly twisting the thorny stem in his gloved hands."

         My comment:
          "I watch him study the rose carefully,--" I think sounds better.

         Your text:
          "I have known this boy all of my life, but tonight I see him for the first time."

         My Comment:
          I really like this line. However, I'm confused a little. Does it mean that for the first time she realizes that she loves him? Or does it mean that she has loved him all her life, but just now realizes that he loves somebody else. (I think it's the first, but I would have loved a little more clarification.)

My final comments:
          The comments or suggestions are my opinions only based on my writing preferences. You as the author, of course, have the final say on what you think sounds best.

         This is my first visit to your port, so . . . hello there. I enjoyed reading this, and I'm sure I will be back to visit your library some other time.

         I noticed your longer fiction, "Psyche and Eros." I am interested in reading this because I once wrote about them (a Valentine's Day story). But your story is too long for me to read right now, so I'll save it for later.

That's it for now. Keep writing these wonderful pieces.

Write on.

Writeartista

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85
85
Review by writeartista
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Dear Kiya,

You're doing a marvelouz job. More power to you.

I was looking for the post regarding your search for WDC Angel Army artists to make donations for sigs; I can't find it. At any rate, I have designed something for you--my donation--a WDC Angel Army sig for use by any one who wants it.

Here it is:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

86
86
Review by writeartista
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Dear Carol Marsella,

RE: My Review and Comments about your:
"A MADISON COUNTY EVENT!"

My General Comment:
         Sure-footed, vivid prose, profound, sentimental, entertaining. This is my general impression of your luminous writing and your story. You captivated me from beginning through the end. I loved reading your descriptions: your intense reading sessions with Connie, and how you prepare for a solitary read with all the necessary comforts. I was not prepared for the shocking ending. I had to check the genre, and there I discovered that this is a tribute to Connie. You did not mention that this is biographical, so the ‘tribute’ tells me that it is. I am deeply sorry for your loss of a great friend and literary companion.

My Technical Comment:

Your text:
         “It was our intense need to devour the written word that introduced us and brought us together, seventeen years ago, and immediately sealed our bond as girlfriends.

My comment:
          Personally, I don’t mind a passive voice every now and then. But in case you do, and that you just missed this one, may I suggest revising the above-quoted with the following (including other suggested changes to avoid the ‘run-on’ quality of the sentence):

“Always, we devoured the written word that brought us together, and immediately sealed our bond as girlfriends. That was seventeen years ago.

Your text:
         ”As she vigorously made her way through the meanderers lingering about the church aisles, she took hold of my forearm and hastened me away from the Pastor who was offering direction which was to aid in my selection of the following week’s music.

My comment:
          (1) Insert comma after 'direction.'
          (2) This sentence is too long. I suggest dividing it into two sentences.

Your text:
         She went on to say it was the story of a photographer – a NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC photographer - who had found love while on assignment. Connie, knowing what a sap I was for a wonderful love story and that I had begun a lifelong love affair with NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC when I was a teenager, assured me it was a book that had been written with my psyche in mind.

My comment:
          I am not understanding why you have to all-cap National Geographic. Personally, it distracts me since it was done several times.
          You have a propensity to write long sentences that tend to violate the rules on run-on sentences, such as this one: “Connie, knowing what a sap I was for a wonderful love story and that I had begun a lifelong love affair with NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC when I was a teenager, assured me it was a book that had been written with my psyche in mind.” Actually, this one is not as long as others.

Your text:
         “Nest, I turned off the phone and the computer, inserted hours of Bach into the CD player, picked up my favorite fuzzy throw, and made my way to the sanctity of my favorite chair for a reader’s version of an afternoon delight.”

My comment:
         Did you mean “Next?”

Your text:
          I lit one single candle - in their honor - and let it burn while I dabbed my flooding eyes and pulled my throw up over me as I involuntarily curled up into the barrel of the chair and assumed a fetal position.

My comment:
          How about splitting this into two sentences for an easier read. Something like this: “I lit one single candle in their honor, and let it burn while I dabbed my flooding eyes and pulled my throw up over me. I curled up into the barrel of the chair and assumed a fetal position.” Note that I also changed the dashes to a comma after ‘honor,’ and deleted ‘involuntarily.’


Your texts:
          (1) I wept as I shared my torn feelings of liking both the author and the couple while lamenting over the dichotomy this stirred within me because of my passionate disdain for honoring or condoning adultery on any level.

         (2) By the time I sat at my table in the research room clumsily trying to balance a teetering pile of slippery yellow magazines while internally acknowledging that the research librarian had also seemed to have been expecting me and also seemed to have been… amused, it finally dawned on me.

My comment:
          The above texts might sound better if shortened, or maybe split into two sentences.

My Final Comments:

The above comments are my opinions only based on my writing preferences. You as the author, of course, have the final say on what you accept or not accept from my suggestions.

Finally, I was so impressed with your writing that I clicked on your black portfolio to check out what other items you’ve posted here. The titles and their brief descriptions intrigued me; therefore, I assure you I will be back to read from your library.

Keep writing. Write on.

Writeartista

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87
87
Review of Haunted Rug  
Review by writeartista
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello again Comateta (Fic†iøn Diva †he Wørd Weava). . .

Okay, one more flash then I have to start the life-sustaining, income-producing real job".

This piece (Haunted Rug) is another delightful horror fiction from you. I thoroughly enjoyed it. You have a way with words when it comes to the "showing" department. I could learn a few things from you. Again, loved the ending.

I'm looking forward to reading more of your fiction. Right now, got to go. See ya later.

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88
88
Review of Join RAOK!  
Review by writeartista
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello RAOK . . .

I've been wanting to join this civic conscious and benevolent group for a while, but procrastination prevailed. However, better late than never, so here I am. Also, attached is my initial donation of 5,000 GPs for this membership application.

I look forward to becoming a part of this noteworthy group.

Maria Panlilio

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89
89
Review by writeartista
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi Angel Army,

I just want to share with the group this little sig I created to wish Writing.Com a Happy 7th Anniversary. It has been a welcome distraction to me to be a part of this best writing site on the Internet, as well as the WDC Angel Army Group, headed by Kiyasama, and the Rising Star Group, headed by Gabriella.

A big toast to you all!

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90
90
Review of The Nuthouse  
Review by writeartista
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello there, Dale Arthur.

RE: The Nuthouse

First of all, I think you're one witty and humorous guy. You entertained me with this piece beyond my expectation. I like your writing style a lot, and you write flawlessly. I don't see any syntactical, spelling, punctuation, or any grammatical error whatsoever. Well, you're almost perfect.

You mispelled Carlos Castaneda's name (not Castenada).

I don't understand why you began your first sentence in the first paragraph with "And" when it would be more effective, in my opinion, if you started the sentence with the "As." (And as a youth I worked in the nuthouse.)

The "lowly apostles" returning to earth? What a thing to say. *Smile* Who are these lowly apostles you speak of?

I've heard many a ghost stories in my life. Almost every one in my family swears that my late father's ghost has appeared to them, except to me. Not that I don't believe in ghosts; I just wish I had encountered even just one in my life.

I love how you ended this article with the following: Still wishing he had zigged when all the world around him zagged, and still a prisoner to the inexorable reality of time, he wanders yet through these half-forgotten dusty cogs and mildewed screens of memory.

By the way, I've spent a lot of time in Oregon when I lived in Seattle for two years, even hiked Mt. Hood a couple of times. Indeed, the Oregon's hazelnuts/filberts are to die for.

A totally enjoyable story. Great job.

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91
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Review by writeartista
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Fyn,

Coffee break's over; thanks for the digital coffee. What was that flavor? Jamaican Blue Mountain with a hint of hazelnut? *Smile*

This short story is quite engaging. Your descriptions are so detailed that you took me to that crowded cafe bustling with customers. You made me see that girl who sat alone in the corner with the brilliant, cobalt blue eyes. I saw Jimmy Parker come in with Timmy and Davie Bailey and order cheeseburger and fries, while giving the new waitress a hard time. I saw Floyd and Frieda Andersen eating tuna fish sandwiches while talking about burial costs and plot sizes, wondering if they should still plan on that second honeymoon. (I love this part most of all. Being married for so many years and still thinking about honeymoon while, at the same time, worrying about the cost of dying.)

Well, I could go and an on, reliving the hustle bustle in the cafe with the interesting customers, but I should go on with the review.
You are an exceptional writer with an uncanny ability to engage your reader from the first paragraph through the last word. You must be a keen observer of people and places. You are blessed with the most critical eye, which enable you to illustrate in great detail all that surrounds you, and make it so enjoyable for us to read.

So....everything started to happen after the mysterious girl with the cobalt blue eyes appeared at the cafe. All good things. The twist at the end is a little ambiguous, but I would not change it. Make the reader ponder on it for a while.

Except for a few technical comments below, I think this is a wonderful story.

"miniature vertions" should be "miniature versions"

He had bruises other (should this read: "in other?") places too,

There something else that I thought needed revising, but I can't find it now. (Don't have time to reread the story, sorry.)

Till later.

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Review of Fyndorian's Desk  
Review by writeartista
Rated: E | (5.0)
"a quill with no ink, a page without a word." This is beautiful, Fyn. Indeed, should we lose all inspiration to write, "we'd dry up and slowly crumble."

You have a wonderful way with words. I love the antique desk that you've embellished this folder with, making me wish I had one of those. Your desk projects an image of having been used to infinity, with still a long life to go for your future literary projects.

I'm still at your port, having a good time looking through your stuff. How about another cup of coffee, please?

Now on to the next shelf.

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93
93
Review of sinise-cara  
Review by writeartista
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Fyn,

The image is too small; I can't make out the faces well.

I'm a big fan of Gary. I've met him during one of his "Support Our Troops" rallies. He's such a great American. I love him. I don't know much about your family; I guess I'll find out soon enough why your daughter does and how did she get to interview Gary.

I'm raiding your port today.

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94
94
Review by writeartista
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello hossam eldi . . .

RE: Your anecdotal piece entitled: "who wants a drink!!" (comedy can be found in your life, even if you lead a hard life)

A colleague brought your story to my attention, which she finds difficult to review. My chest constricted with emotions as I read this because an experience in my life while growing up in the Philippines paralleled yours. Heat can cause a chain reaction of unfortunate events in a crowded bus.

I really thought that this piece would have a depressing ending (I forgot about your brief description below the title), but glad to find out that the young boy finally found something to laugh about. He was getting on my nerves, as he was to his father.

I am giving this review based on the story itself, and ignoring the technical imperfections, i.e.: the spelling and punctuation errors, which are easy to fix during editing.

Keep writing.

Maria (writeartista)
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95
95
Review by writeartista
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Jeremy P. Belknap,

RE: Your photo.

I never rate photographs less than perfect because it's a totally different WDC genre. I think it's very brave of any one to flash his/her photographs on the Internet for the world to see. Well, who knows, I might do the same myself . . . someday. I think it's nice to be able to put a face to the author's name and work.

This is a nice picture. I see the face of a sensitive and creative young man. I look forward to reading some of your work.

You're 18 and already engaged to be married? I will visit your fiancee's port.

Write on.

Maria
96
96
Review by writeartista
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, Blue Thunder,

This is quite an interesting read. I, too, am a big fan of Stephen King even though I don't write horror stories much; at least not the kind that he -- and you -- write. I just don't have the talent for it. I love reading them, though; and I think I can give you a good read and review.

Following are my comments (in parenthesis). These are my personal opinions only that you may take or ignore, but maybe worth your attention to simply some of your expressions.

>>As you gaze through my port, you will find that most of the writing found (most of my writing) revolves around personal and real life situations.

>>Ever since picking up (I picked up) my very first Stephen King novel I have been drawn deep into the realm's of darkness (realm, or realms of darkness; or, realm's darkness).

>>King, who (whom? I'm not sure either.) I think has inspired many writers to dig deep down inside their mind's eye (psyche?), to take those inner fears, what if's (ifs), imaginations, and thrive to place the ink to the paper (on paper?).

>>I now have notebooks piled in boxes full of everything from biographical to lighter writing and two filled with nothing but extreme dark writing.
(change the first 'writing' to 'pieces' so that you don't have two 'writings' in the same sentence?)

>>I was also working the night shift and the sole purpose of this job on midnight's (midnights) was to just be there.

>>The assassin's (assassins) in this group are the darkest, most terrifying characters out of them all.

>>killing spree's. (sprees)

>>a cross between a Hannibal Lecter and Jeffery Dahmer. (What's "a cross between a Hannibal Lecter and Jeffery Dahmer"? They were both serial killers, and they both ate human flesh.}

>>I had created my first serial killer and what is really scary about it all was that I had control of the character, but wrote everything out in such convincing detail that I became the character. (Really? I look forward to reading some.)

>>When ever (Whenever) writers block threatens to set in, I know I can always take some idea even if its (it's, or it is) from a small article no longer than an inch or two(comma here?) and turn it into my own set of twists, turns, horror and macabre psychotic mayhem.

>>I always keep plenty of fava (Java) beans

Hope my comments are helpful.
97
97
Review of Outback Honeymoon  
Review by writeartista
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello, LadyOz,

RE: Outback Honeymoon

Just read your entry for the monthly "Shining Star" writing contest. Your prose is crisp and fresh, rendering this piece an enjoyable and easy read.

My only technical comment, and this is based on my personal opinion only, is the use of the phrase "barely recognisable" twice in the same not-so-lengthy paragraph, as follows:

"Barely recognisable beneath weeds and grass, the tennis court lay a short distance from the main house." Then . . . . "It was so choked with reeds that, like the tennis court, it was barely recognisable." Perhaps you could change it to
something like: "hardly discernible."

Other than that, great job. What a memorable honeymoon!

Good luck with the contest.

Write on.

Maria (writeartista)
A "Rising Star" Awardee, and
a Proud member of:
THE WDC ANGEL ARMY
98
98
Review by writeartista
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Puravida,

RE: It wWas A Moonless Night

First of all, Orient Pearl (pnalayab) has informed me of your place in Costa Rica that you rent out to tourists. I will certainly keep that in mind. Costa Rica is a favorite among friends to visit.

This flash fiction is an excellent read. I think this is my first time to read any of your stories, and, my . . . you write very well. This is quite engaging; I read it verbatim. Your prose is honest, and your descriptions are vivid. You write from your very soul, and I felt Hanna's emotion as she stood "in a landscape of dissociation," incredulous of the tired reflection of herself that she had caught in the cracked mirror.

I would like to see this in a longer piece; perhaps then you can expand on the epiphany. What brought her to come to terms with the horrible past? The simple pleasures of floating on the water on a moonless night just didn't justify it enough for me.

Technically, this is virtually flawless. I look forward to reading more from your port.

Write on.

Maria
(writeartista)
A "Rising Star" Awardee, and a Proud member of: THE WDC ANGEL ARMY
99
99
Review by writeartista
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Judity,

Fred--the ear and toe nibbler? Are you ticklish? Did you meet each other in 1999? Though he's not my type, I admit he looks so handsome and mysterious in the picture.

Your 1999 diary entries re your precious and adorable Fred is totally amusing. I take it these were the only entries for the whole year?

I will revisit your port later to read your 2000 chronicle about your furry friend.

Personally, I don't want pets in my house because I admit, I'm a neat freak. But I love pets, and I love pet stories; that's why I enjoy reading yours.

Since this is a diary, I didn't concern myself with any technical error that might occur (and didn't spot any).

I look forward to seeing a book about Fred in print someday.

As usual, great job.

Maria (writeartista)
100
100
Review by writeartista
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear Rocky Mountain Kid,

It's been more than two months since you posted this latest chapter to your novel, Angelica. I apologize for this late read and review. I just got back from a 3-week vacation in the tropics, and trying to catch up with my reading and many, many other things.

This is your best chapter, so far. I congratulate you on a job well done for keeping the suspense on the mystery surrounding Angelica, her disappearance, and now her possible connection to the Navajo Code Talkers.

If I haven't said it earlier, I am so impressed that you would tackle on a very important and significant part of American/World history about WWII. I, too, am a great admirer of the Navajo Code Talkers, and I look forward to the continuation of this chapter. Hopefully, we'll have a resolution to this particular mystery in your story.

Yes, indeed, I agree with your previous reviewers. This deserves a 5.0 rating.

Write on, Rocky Mountain Kid. I hope you're having a fantastic teenage summer vacation.

Maria (writeartista)
Proud member, THE WDC ANGEL ARMY
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