though you were quite creative with this piece, There is no story line at all and quite a few typos. I can only assume that you are just having some fun and by the way you wrote this I think a very vivid imagination. I think you could use that imagination to write something creative that is whitty and interesting. By the way you wrote this I have no doubt that you can write a very good story if you want to Ski
This is an interesting read. I got the message and it seemed well thought out, but for some reason I was left unfofilled. Not sure why. Maybe because you hint that you (the poems character) stayed inside with his family and the internet but then he says wasn't afraid when he met the people outside. Also if the character wouldn't look in the mirror then they surely wouldn't stand on two scales. Overall good Job. ski
I liked this story, it sends a message of love and love lost. I felt a little rushed with the explination and feel that a longer more explicate description of how you feel when the brain turned back to the memory of your love, would strengthen the piece and suck the reader in emotionally deeper.
Hi, this was a good read, but I was left a little unsatisfied. I think my vision and expectation was not on the same plane as your moral in the story. I think this character is merely in the healing stages of relationship failure. The bar scene and one night stand surely is not an indicater for judgement is it? Not mush effort to take a new step forward.
Also I was a little lost with "convention" unless I don't understand your definition of it? Good job though. Ski
Wow! What a riveting story. I have never thought of that perspective before. I have been in rooms with people that were (unconcious) and didn't talk much thinking they couldn't hear me. The other thing I didn't think of is the lonelyness adn the fact that the conversation requires description.This piece sure changes my perspective. Great Job. Ski
This is an excellent story! I expected a different ending and was glad I was wrong. I usually am not fooled! The analogy is beautiful. I knew the answer to this but did not realize it until I got behind the rock!! One thing I liked about this story is that In my mind, I was behind the rock, that means it was well written. If you read some of my stuff, you will see that I agree with you. Great Job Ski
I really enjoyed this story. It does leave a lot of info between the lines though. I find eight and a half million a good number to dream about. All writers dream I guess. I wonder where the missing money is? Maybe the advance is how the characters husband gets the money freely to her? Was the husband good friends with the publisher maybe? Great job! Ski
I enjoyed this story even though I don't usually read blood and gory. The lead in and ending paragraphs blend well with the story. A couple things though, in the third paragraph the word and was used too much. Also there are some spelling errors you shpuld take care of.they don't affect the essence of the story but would probably drive some reviewers crazy. easy fix though. Ski
This sounds like a good start to your book. I find myself wishing I could read further. Unfortunately it was not long enough or descriptive enough to form a solid complete character in my mind. If it was a prologue, I would say it needed more to introduce complete characters. Overall, I liked it. Ski
hi, I enjoyed your prologue. It definately accomplishes it's goal of enticing the reader to continue. I plan on reading more as I get time. Overall good Job. Ski
You have a good start here. The theme is easy to understand but the flow needs work. There are some spelling problems. Using God as a proper name, it should be capitalized. (I've, Remember, can't ) All easy stuff. Now with the flow, you are using 4 sentence stanzas with rhyme. 2nd Stanza is 6 sentences and the rhyme is lost. I would change it to:
___________________________________________________
I feel the burdens, the pain, the rejection
I can't even stand to look at my reflection
Where did he come from? Where did he go?
And do I even really care to know?
______________________________________________________
5th Stanza:
I've knocked and knocked. You won't let me in
Remember my son died for your sins
you wrote:
My head hung low as I crawled into bed
When daylight came yesterday started again
How about something like:
My head hung low as I crawled into bed
When daylight came, yesterdays repeat I started to dread (or; tomorrows repeat I started to dread)
______________________________________________________
See with these changes, the flow is smooth, the sentence count is consistant and the rhyme works.
Of course these are only sugjestions, It is your piece. Look for other opinions also. I enjoyed reading it. Ski
I liked this poem. It flowed well and the meaning stood out. I particulary liked the phrase: (What is true in my soul, I cannot deny) This is so true and many people do not realize it. I did have some questions; If following a sequence, wouldn't (If we do not touch) come before (If we do not speak)? Following the essence of the poem, One would surely not have the oportunity to touch if you had not spoken yet. The other thing that didn't hit me right; You are discussing the possible beginning of a relationship with someone else and the stages that may take place. In the end, if you do not initiate, it is your burdon to bear. So in that context, the phrase; (A misplaced connection meant for another life) wouldn't that be (meant for another time)? Though that moment has passed by, it does not mean there will no future moments. Would it? I enjoy reading these, I never spent much time in the past and know I have missed a lot. I didn't realize how much can be said through few words. Great Job Ski
Great story, I really enjoyed reading it. The story line flowed well and it kept my interest throughout. I became a little confused when laura appeared and thought it was odd that Mark didn't call his boss when he woke up instead of rushing out of bed, taking a shower, taking the dog for a walk and then calling. That seems out character for a guy that had been punctual up to that point. Good job. Ski
Great story. left me wanting for the finish. Do you have a continuence or do you want to leave people hanging? I like the gradual relationship something that seems rare in this day and age. I also liked the way you brought the story up to speed slowely and gently. I would like to read more though. Good Job Ski
This is nice. In the first line I think you meant YOUR not YOU. The flow of the first two stansa was very fluent and the rhyme is perfect. In the last one, the rhyme is gone, that breaks the flow of the poem a little. The theme is constant throughout and the message is more common than most people think. Unfortunately love is not always the same intensity for both. I liked the message here, not written about very often . Good Job Ski
what a humerous story. by the way, if you saw one spider there are probably 10 you don't see. I wonder if he went back to his spider family and wrote about the funny humans that were appearantly no match for him. He probably got a spidy medal for his heroism. good story! Ski
I am not sure about this piece. It seems to have every thing needed for a good story yet I don't get the emotion from it. I am not one to critique grammer
as I struggle myself with that, but I am keen on flow and something doesn't flow right here. Maybe there is too much on the fridge (over described) and not enough on the emotional portion of the story? I think I would look at the first paragraph. I liked the second paragraph as it made the leak into a living thing with an agenda and emotions. I would like to have seen more on the interaction with the ex. So maybe a little more polish before you submit it? Ski
I liked this but it feels unfinished to me. Maybe a second verse to answer the questions? or each question having a second line. Or perhaps just a word at the end that engulfs the questions? Just thoughts not critisizing, letting you know how it makes me feel. Good Job Ski
enjoyed this piece. It carried the message very well and kept my attention. Congrats on your profesion. I have high respect for your drive to help others.
good job Ski
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