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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/marymiller
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15 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Thunder  
Review by MaryMiller
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Z-cat

Thanks so much for sharing this poem. I thought it was great. I have only one piece of feedback for strengthening it. That is the last line feels weak against all the others. Perhaps if there isn't anything that links with 'brow' this could be changed and the final verse will be strengthened.

At the moment I feel it takes away from a lot of great writing above - it's not easy to write about something so many have before and make it interesting and beautiful - but here you have

Thanks again for sharing
2
2
Review of Writing for me  
Review by MaryMiller
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Motivated Man -

Thank you so much for sharing your poem. I can feel the space you were in when this was created.
Interesting use of colour. Not sure if it adds of takes away from the words and meaning.

This piece for me starts stronger than it ends in content as it feels a bit qoatation-y or cliche in the final lines but otehrwise a good piece.

Thanks again for sharing!
3
3
Review by MaryMiller
Rated: E | (5.0)
Lady Elf

This is beautiful!! I thoroughly enjoyed this poem from beginning to end.

You paint such gorgeous images with your words and descriptions that make me see exactly what I want to believe you did too.

Only thing missing is a deep fried mars bar and a paddle pop - although there were ice creams with the children on Donkeys so that's already covered.

Excellent. Loved it. Nothing more to say except thank you so so much for sharing!
4
4
Review of 1994  
Review by MaryMiller
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi Mrs B Ray

I love this poem - think it's very strong and emotive. You could add some mystery into this if you wanted to but I feel it is perhaps quite a personal one you wouldn't want to re-arrange too far from the truth?

My only feedback for strengthening is the second last line that says 'A great year 1994 was started out to be'

I don't know if it is supposed to say 'had started out to be' or if the 'was' is meant to be eliminated entirely.

Other than this. Excellent writing and excellent reading for me! :)

Thanks so much for sharing this intimate message with us
5
5
Review of i was here  
Review by MaryMiller
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Marlow,

I love the rhythm and tone of this poem. Beautifully written.

My only feedback for strengthening is very minor but it jumped out at me as changing the voice slightly. The exclamation mark at the end of 'leave me be' - final line. I don't know exactly why but I felt as though it was forcing an emotion that the words had already delivered so strongly and deemed itself unnecessary.

Only my opinion obviously and otherwise such a great peice. I hope you feel proud.

Thanks for sharing
6
6
Review of A Hard day  
Review by MaryMiller
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Solidus,

Great poem here. My only suggestion really is to remove all of the question marks. Your words alone provide that and adding them takes away from the flow of the poem I feel.

Only an opinion obviously

Otherwise great story in there.

Thanks for sharing.
7
7
Review by MaryMiller
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi Minutiae,

I really like the story here. I think it's interesting and emotional. I only have feedback on how to strengthen the message with some changes to layout and cutting some unnecessary words that take away from the very strong ones you already have here.

I really love the 'fidget digits on the phone' line - this paints such a great image - and as it is so good you don't need to re-iterate the calling and texting, especially with the follow up line 'excusing their delays' - you've said it all perfectly in here.

I hope you don't mind I did some edits and have them below for you to look at. Obviously it's up to you to take what you want - any or none of the ideas but I'd love to read some of your other works.

Mother blames herself.
Brother annoyed
Sister retells humorous family anecdotes
Hopes to lighten the mood.
Nephews; 'Where's Ding?'
the younger;
'Ding, gone?'

People groan at the timetables
Fidget digits on the phone
excusing their delays.

It’s not the inconvenience
That I hate

The train approaches at pace.
Thick rope protrudes from my chest,
Unfurling throughout my innards
Rooted
without pain.

Someone pulling towards the tracks.
Constant, urging.
I sit. Brace myself.
Concentrate.

I see nothing but the train
Everything whited out
With the wrong kind of snow.

Knuckles as white under the strain,
grip the armrests.
The others attest;
I want to live!

And yet I am here;
Fantasizing about my funeral.
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Review of Autumn's Palette  
Review by MaryMiller
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Mrs B Ray!

Lovely poem - I like the tone and emotion of it and if you are looking for tip on strengthening it's voice I believe I can help

Feel free to disregard but I will put my ideas forth for you to do whatever you wish with!

- The words 'wonder and awe' fall flat against your strong imagery in other lines of the poem and feels unnecessary as a result.
- Other small swaps in this verse could add to the impact of your words such as
'Colors creating starburst rainbows'
'Fireworks against the midnight sky'

And the next verse - similar comments

I loooove the combination of crimson and rust - beautiful picture created here but I feel you don't need to use 'while' in the next line - it may be stronger with

'Gold and silver litters the ground'

The reader expects this is 'while' if that makes sense.

I also feel that with this strong verse - including the 'Cackling and rustling with each footstep' this is such a great line and I know it connects back to the first verse however the strength of this verse eliminates the need at all for the first one.

You have put a strong picture and story in the following 3 verses that we already know you are walking on Autumn leaves and listening to the sounds that makes. You don't need to open by telling us that - let your great imagery do the talking in the next 3 verses.

I hope you don't mind my detail here. I really love the feel of this poem and I hope to see more of your writing.

Thank you,

Mary Miller
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