|Your writing style is unique and your story-telling ability is great, to me at least. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this story, and i find it curious and fascinating that this actually happened. Your are the Dave of whom you speak? Anyway, back to the story. To me, this is a highly creative and interesting set of events that you record. The way in which you consistently bring in Dave's mathematical, analytical, and calculating mind is very cool to say the least.
However, some aspects of this story can be somewhat confusing to a reader, such as the ending and the relationships between the characters Dave and Maureen, for example. I suggest making this story longer to add more detail about said things. I like the fact that the story is somewhat elusive, though, because a good mystery and using some brains is always, always a good thing. But this may be a little too elusive. Maybe you meant it to be this way, i dont know.
There are also some grammatical errors scattered through this piece, nothing major at all. Hardly noticeable to the casual reader, actually. these sentences are examples of some that may need some brief attention:
(a) Fire came next. Had to.
(b) Daves choices were clear, and stark
(c) forgotten kinda place
a-- Overall, i am enamored by your use of vernacular speech when getting inside Dave's (your) mind. However, The part "had to" is simply grammatically incorrect, unless used in dialogue. "It had to" would suffice.
b--"Dave's"; a mere oversight. just a formality :)
c--Again, love the vernacular as long as it holds true to simple grmmar rules. "kinda" is not really a word unless used in speech--kind of.
Let me emphasize that i love the vernacular diction that you have going on throughout. It is best in this kind of writing because it truly allows the reader to get inside Dave's head, so to speak. You do a splendid job with this throughout with just a couple of minor mistakes, just read this over carefully. Though mainly vernacular, your diction also includes more elevated words that make your writing much more interesting and rich. I gave you a 4 because this piece has potential to be amazing and very amusing. Just maybe make it longer to avoid some confusion by adding detail, and fix the few grammatical errors.
as a side note, it humors me that you placed this under the genre "how-to/advice".
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