Hi, this is pretty good, but I'm glad you added the information in the description.
The only thing I would add thematically, is something about how the vampire needs humans to survive.
I think the meter could be more consistent. It seems a little wordy in parts (try leaving out a few "its".)
Most of the stanzas (except Stanza 4, L 3 has 1 word too many, maybe) have very strong line # three's, so if you can get the rest to harmonize with them, I think this poem could really take off, like a bat!
Hi, I like Season Tickets, but I also have to comment on all of these "misspellings." I was concerned until I noticed the writing.com logo in the corner was upside-down. First I was shocked: computer virus!!" But then I realized that it was April 1, and that you all have such a great sense of humor. I was just about to send an email because all of my messages are addressed to "methrindar" or "mathrender," so the joke was on me, and I see, other members, too.
Great job & keep it up!
I don't know where to vote for April Fools, because I'd definitely give this a 10!
Thanks for keeping me on my toes
Short and sweet, just like the missives you may be inspired by, this poem does sound of truth. Now i see your new handle and its announcement so I now wonder if this poem is related? Did it, "only take a glance"?
Either way congratulations on this poem & on your nuptuals!
I really liked the form of this poem - like a slithering or coiled viper. The first phrase was excellent and you maintained that mood throughout. The alliteration is also well used and all of the words are great choices. It all fits together so well, I really can't suggest any improvements.
It has a bite, for sure, so I am glad that you are over it now.
This was a pretty good read. I'd like to continue, but it must be tough to incorporate all the fun! You do a good job of translating the convention and the people, as well as conjuring up all the enjoyment that I have when I am able to get out of town with friends.
Will there be any further additions or is the tale in hiatus until next season?
I really enjoyed the word usage in this. It contrasted and easily induced images. Most of all, these words sound so interesting together. I like the sound of this poem the most, and the sounds also conflict like the things described.
"The fiery seas that hold a water planet" - is just one example of what I mean. Also, "Howling winds"
You do use fiery seas twice. I don't know if it matters. I also like, "fiery oceans," if you want.
So while I am impressed by the imagery, the sounds of the vowels are what really blow me away.
I like this story, especialy the mythological connotations. While the style seems just shy of spartan, the important information is clearly conveyed.
It made me think of the Greek myth of Orpheus and Eurydice. There was also the presence of a sky goddess, and a man as the Earth representative, a spin on many mythologies' tellings of traditional sky god and Earth mother.
I thought the end was a bit abrupt, since I was on a roll enjoying the writing, so I was sad to see it end. This cleverly echoes the overall theme present here.
I don't think there is really anything that could be changed in this deep and touching story.
This was really good, and I like the twist at the end -or for me it was a twist. The beginning reminded me of The Red Badge of Courage.
The pace and imagery are excellent, and the shape even seems to contribute, somehow. The only odd phrase I noticed was : "as bullets dance their deadly dance about him." -There's absolutely nothing wrong with it and it reads well, so I don't know if you can sutitute another word for, "dance."
At least you use it as a verb and a noun! So I suppose no changes are in order.
Great!
Everyone should read this item! I'm here now for the first time, but I picked up a tip or two. This would be a five except for some minor punctuation problems, I think: "Keep in mind: this is an area which helps determine where an item will be placed in public listings." - works.
An informative and an Enjoyable read!
Thanks,
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** An EnduReview by Mithrandir
Wizard Reviewing
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Your words really flow effortlessly. There a couple that could be changed, but mostly for tense or rhyme, such as:
"chocolate chip cookies" -seems to have one too many syllables; may I suggest "eating oatmeal cookies" ? -seems to fit the rustic flavor as well. &
"how life was there," that word 'there' doesn't seem to fit. I don't know if "how life was then" changes much, but it seems to read easier.
I think you could also classify this in the Western category. I've often passed decripit abandoned structures and wondered along a similar vein, though I never wrote it down as well as you have!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** An EnduReview II
I'm curious about the relevance of the blue text; I would have expected red and green, but it's not that important. I really like the title!
I can't disagree with your sentiment, but it reads more like a holiday greeting card than a poem. Your wording is excellent, and you cover all the bases. In all, an above average prose.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** An EnduReview II
I almost gave this a 3.5, but you effectively convey the emotions of sorrow and regret. This is somewhat personal to me as well.
Now your constant repetition of, "Mama," is allowed. I don't know if you overdid it or a couple less or if another word could be better, but it did remind me of the "Genesis," song. Maybe this would be a good song, too?
dont -don't
I see that you wrote this long ago, but I think you could fix the end, at least. The third to last line has too many syllables and reads rough. Maybe just using "wouldn't" both times (more consistent) would help.
"fathers" - needs to be father's -since it is his fault.
I think the last line could use one (or two) additional syllables to keep up the meter.
This is short indeed, and I feel lengthening it may allow you to explore your true feelings further. There seems to be a conflicting opinion. I can identify with your sentiment, but I would suggest that it not a sign of a healthy relationship. Unless you don't mean "hate," exactly, which is a strong word, or perhaps, "infuriate?"
It's the best way I could imagine to make members feel included and rewarded. This is a five-star item if there ever was one!
So here's another big "Thank You!"
to everyone involved, since I still have a sense of being part of a wonderful mystery.
What a wonderful title; I wish I had thought of it! I'm having trouble reading lyrics as poems. I think it could make a fine song. The meter seems uneven because of its genre, but I would suggest that you turn this into a poem, or write a poem-version, exclusively for reading.
I had some confusion with the quickly changing scenes and subjects, but maybe that is simulating the nature of a battle.
I could imagine eagles singing this song....
one question:
"While fowl ranks" -could you have meant "foul" ?
While I'm not sure if you have captured Gandalf's or Tolkien's voice one-hundred percent, you have crafted a truly fine work of a poem. I do think it fits the tone of the trilogy.
There really isn't anything to improve. Some of the names may be tough for the unintiated to pronounce, but they do lend authenticity.
The best thing about this writing is the sad emotion conveyed.
Great writing!
This is as good as it is brief. I like the metaphor employed, although I think it could be explored further. There are alot of commas, which I tend to notice for some reason. It's not wrong, however.
The important thing is the idea.
One suggestion: it ends with a comma, which seems like there could be more -and it is effective. I thought this ending may work...
Maybe I've read too many stories like this, or I just can't identify.
I do like your voice, and it was easy enough to read.
The one part that made me pause was after the school bus incident. You lost continuity for a moment, describing that night and then in the next paragraph going back to that afternoon.
The tone in Part 4 seems to lighten slightly inconsistently with rest.
I'll have to look in to your other genre items.
The first thing I noticed as I read was the abundance of commas. That says more about me than you, so on with the review. You may not need that many commas, but if you like them, it's not exactly "wrong."
Here's your typo's:
"bare this burden" as I said to Frodo, "Bear this burden," but maybe you mean bare, as in, "to reveal"?
I think the expression is, "harm's way" -with an apostrophe.
and maybe just: "throwing a curve" would work & still rhyme.
I'd like to read more. There is that question of her problem; I don't mean to pry.
Ah, Another one to bookmark. I don't have a scanner, yet, but I have a ton of images: drawings, photos, paintings. So I have been needing to learn about jpegs, gifs and pngs. This seems like great advice.
I'm also intested in creating drawings on the computer, so I guess I should look to photoshop over the ms paint program. Thanks for the tips!
This is a good idea for a poem, and you are on your way to success with it, but I feel you left something out. It may be that I missed it.
Firstly, stalking is against the law in many states, but that's in your description and not really part of the poem to be judged.
"knee-deep" is a hyphenated word.
You may mean "cigarette role," but did you mean cigarette roll Is it a typo, or does the reader have to guess?
You may imitating an accent, but "tomarrow," is spelt "tomorrow," for 'on the morrow.'
I guess the disjointed time throws me off.
Also, isn't "nite," supposed to be night?
I'll admit I don't know everything, so that's when I check the dictionary. If this is a first revision, I'd like to see where else you could go with it.
While there doesn't appear to be any glaring errors in spelling or oversights in punctuation, there are some odd word choices to point out for consideration.
"You have the con," did you mean "com"?
Calling a character, "Commander," seemed odd at first, but this was minor and adjusted to quickly.
"Adroit in negotiations," is a fair enough term, although there may be a more accurate word than adroit, "an adroit negotiator," may be more accurate.
"Although single-minded," is hyphenated in my old dictionary, but I admit having trouble keeping up with the times.
The sentry: It was tough to get this at first, but it was easier with a second look. Words connected to the sentry: his, think, felt, believed, satisfied, thought, emotion.... All those italics took some getting used to, but that may just be because of how they look on my monitor.
third dimensional, or three-dimensional "beings"? Either should be hyphenated.
"But it was also in third dimension where Commander was restricted." I think I have the idea of this, but it may need to be clearer. Is Commander restricted to the third-dimension, or does being there limit him.
Now that I figured it out, I was amused and diappointed, because I was looking forward to the beginning of a great space adventure. I didn't have a clue until "nose" and the names of the streets: I first thought of recommending authors not to use their street names in sci-fi! Instead of dropping the ball, you knew you were headed in a different direction all along, so the joke is on the reader. I still read it three times.
There is a very clever writer at work here!
I can't give this a five, but it's probably my problem with statistics. Numbers...head hurt. Anyway, there's probably no easy way to decode them, but this comes close , and I'm on my way to more understanding.
I just began looking into my items' statistics, and this did help to explain alot. I especially like the referring URL's. Maybe when I get more views and ratings, I will be able to make better use of this feature. Thanks for making me feel like I was in school again! Really
I just saw the ipod commercial with U2's new, "Vertigo," song, which I like and can't get out of my head anyway.
So I sang your song to that rhythm, and it worked fine.
("I can feel ~")
Except, you don't need that one profanity in there. Also, I like:
"Voices Stay (Go Away) etc, better as a "call & answer" back and forth. And drop the "that" in the last line.
How about second line: "telling me that you're dead", or move the "But" up to the beginning of line 3. I guess trying to make it my own is my way of a compliment.
I suppose you need not change anything, and I shouldn't judge this based on "Vertigo," but that's the mode I'm in now, sorry.
Feel free to kill my "song": "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor
I must admit my own short comings in reviewing pieces of this type; short and artistic. I probably just don't get it. I would add that, to me, "fold" seems a more suitable word choice than "fool" -but fool is probably more artistic. The word "on" in the first stanza may be superfluous? So I am holding back on a purely subjective level. Keep Writing!
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