This story truly hit home for me. When I was in junior high, I had a very close friend that I loved and adored. She had endured a turbulent relationship with her mother and a difficult time at school. Her mom worked the late shift and I knew Amy was feeling suicidal. I kept trying to call and she wouldn't answer. I was so worried. So, I called my mom and told her that I didn't know what to do and we decided that the best thing was to have an officer go check on her. So they did. Amy's mom never knew Amy had those feelings. I was so worried that Amy would be mad at me, but at school the next day, she came to me crying that her and her mom had talked things through and, thanks to me, had the start of a much better relationship. Thank you for bringing those memories to the forfront of my mind. I truly enjoyed your story and I'm so happy that it had a great ending for you!
This is a very sad, all-too-common story. I think it is well-written. I don't think the story should be centered, though. Some formatting would be very good. Also, I didn't like the wording when he was trying to talk to her at McDonalds. Maybe her response could be "Can't you see that I want to be left alone? Just Go." The ending was a little light. It could use a little more plot/description. And fell should be feel. Other than that, I think you have a masterpiece in the works. Great job!
This is a very interesting read. It didn't flow smoothly in some places and I ended up confused about which love chose you. I assume the one you originally let go. The rhyming scheme is good and the emotion is powerful. Just work on the flow and it will be even better! Keep up the great work!
Wow. I had goosebumps reading this story. It totally freaked me out! It really makes you wonder if that's what hell will be like. I mean, who really knows, besides God, of course. This is extremely well-written and it is thought provoking. It brought forth my worst fears. Excellent job. The only two errors I found were "think metal supports" (should be "thick") and "if you thinked it sucked" (think or thought). Keep up the great work!
What a horrible thing to happen! I know people get desperate, but I just don't understand how they can teach their children that taking from others is the right thing to do. Excellent job!
I have never been in the military, but you made me feel as though I was crawling under those rounds with you. I was freaking out! I don't think I would have been able to do it. But, then, if I knew they were shooting live rounds at me and I couldn't see, I'd have probably crawled to China. Excellent job!
What a wonderful tribute to your pet! I had many pets when I was growing up and had to experience that heartache more times than I care to admit. I have a new baby named Tigger and I know my heart will break if and when something happens to him. Thanks for sharing your story. Very well-written.
This is well-written. I didn't find myself so drawn in with this one, but that's because it's personal to you, not to me. You did an excellent job of capturing the emotions, of course, and used good descriptive language. Good job!
This poem gave me chills!! War is such a terrible thing! You made me feel as though I was in the room with the mother and child. I had a little problem with "us" and "lust" rhyming, but it works. Great job!
This is an interesting perspective. It is very well written. It leaves me a little unnerved, though and I'm not quite sure why. As a christian, maybe because I know that it's true that God allows things to happen, but in my heart, I know that there is a reason for everything. You have created a stirring in my heart, though, and that is always a good thing where writing is concerned. Keep up the good work!
I usually do not like this kind of poetry (continuing sentences throughout), but this has such a powerful message that I found myself following the rhythm of it quite well. I like the rhyme scheme also. Keep up the good work.
I'm not one for vampire stories, but this really didn't turn into too much of that. The beginning and the middle of the story totally drew me in, but the ending, however was a little weak. You may want to work on developing that a little more. So far, though, it's pretty good.
I agree with you to an extent. I like my poetry to have punctuation. And, in looking at the first version of your poem, it looks great....and you did use some punctuation....parenthesis and a few periods. Looks good to me. But, the more wordy, lengthy poems need to have punctuation. That's my two cents worth!!!!!!
I think this is a good introduction to your book. It is good to define the topics you are working with. One quick thing, you used spaces before and after your parenthesis sometimes - not necessary. You did a great job and I think you will be teaching your readers quite a bit. Remember to add some humor if you can. I learn better when I can relate to a situation or at least laugh at it! Keep up the good works of the Lord!
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