*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/navatar1
Review Requests: ON
52 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Ducttape Knight
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Interesting short. A little unrealistic if the body is actually oozing fluids. Maybe set up how the kids are a bit different than normal kids beforehand. The last line from April serves to show her priorities very well.
The big thing that makes this not work for me though, is how old are these two that they are this deluded, yet they can carry a body wrapped in a rug out to the woods and stick it up in a tree?
Otherwise it's pretty inventive, gave me a chuckle.
2
2
Review by Ducttape Knight
Rated: E | (3.0)
Good work, it brings to mind the old english form of writing. There are two big problems for me though.
First, your rhyme scheme. I thought it was 122334 at first glance, but then I looked harder and it seems to me you meant it as 122331. The problems are look/rebuke in the first stanza, and brother/gather in the third. They're close to rhyme, but they don't. Fix those and your schema won't stand out.
Second, the lines
Knowingly he’s passed o’er – sees lauds
On Boromir – whose death, split horn heralds,

The sentence breaks break this up. It gives this piece a disjointed feel.

Fix those problems and I think this piece will shine a bit more.
3
3
Review of a zombie hangover  
Review by Ducttape Knight
In affiliation with Poetry Zombie Horde  
Rated: 18+ | (1.0)
** Image ID #1805805 Unavailable **


Hello Rhyssa !

Absolutely brilliant!

This part was delicious:
because they seemed to sense my mood
and knew—only a nutter
would catch the eye of one who’d rose
from eating from the gutter

I'd *Ax* this part:
when, while passing past a noisy pub

I'd not use passing with past right after it. Maybe change to shuffling or shambling past

Overall:

I love the descriptions and the rhyme, truly a magnificent travesty to poetry everywhere!

Coldest regards from six feet down,
DuctTapeSamurai


I hope my advice is helpful. Take from it what you will, but keep on writing!
4
4
Review of Natural Zombies  
Review by Ducttape Knight
In affiliation with Poetry Zombie Horde  
Rated: 18+ | (1.0)
** Image ID #1805805 Unavailable **


Hello Angelica- May days of warmth !

Greetings fellow compatriot of Team White! Aren't you loving all the undead hordes that are preempting Nano this year?

This part was delicious:
a brain a day for a feast

Good feasting I say

I'd *Ax* this part:
Trees shudders and wilts

Trees can shudder and wilt, a tree shudders or shudder, but trees won't shudders. English is weird, I wonder if our future zombie selves will even use language, and if so, will it be something other than English?

Overall:

Most Haikus I've read are three different sentences for each piece of the chain. You chose one sentence divided into three parts. Bold choice, and I like how it worked for you.

Coldest regards from six feet down,
DuctTapeSamurai


I hope my advice is helpful. Take from it what you will, but keep on writing!
** Image ID #1815934 Unavailable **
5
5
Review by Ducttape Knight
In affiliation with Poetry Zombie Horde  
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
** Image ID #1805805 Unavailable **


Hello Maryann !

Greetings from the graveyard!

This part was delicious:
Monkey veins stuck in their teeth

Zombies don't always remember to chew everything

I'd *Ax* this part:
All the extra syllables. Haikus are supposed to be 17 syllables, or 5-7-5, and all of the pieces in your chain are 7-5-7. Unless I'm wrong, I'm certainly no expert.

Overall:

Outside of the syllables it is very well done, nice imagery

Coldest regards from six feet down,
DuctTapeSamurai


I hope my advice is helpful. Take from it what you will, but keep on writing!

** Image ID #1815934 Unavailable **
6
6
Review by Ducttape Knight
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
*MailB* I'm not a professional editor, so bear in mind the opinions here are my own. *MailB*

I'm sorry, I just don't understand this poem. What is a parade of mops? The only thing I understand is that the narrator is a king and a dead jester is fixed into a kneeling position before the throne. Is there some message you're trying to convey here, or is it just for entertainment?

Capitalization: The word I should always be capitalized. A single lower case i sitting out there just glares at the reader, making me think you don't care about your writing. Since I found this on the review request page, I imagine you do care quite a bit about it.


I hope my advice is helpful. Take from it what you will, but keep on writing!
7
7
Review of A Father's Love  
Review by Ducttape Knight
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*MailB* I'm not a professional editor, so bear in mind the opinions here are my own. *MailB*

Very well written poem. After I ignored the break from the rhyme scheme in the final set, I got a little choked up.

There are a few ways you can enhance this inspirational work. First would be bringing the final set in line with the rest.
And at the end of his life, he said one thing,
That I will never forget.
He pulled me close,
And said
“I love you son,
You always were the best.”

That's how I would do it, but that is ultimately up to you.

Your punctuation is also in need of some fixing. After every line, you have a comma. While that is fine for most lines, there should be periods when a thought ends, but just when the poem ends. You also have your commas and periods outside of the quotation marks, and those should always be inside them. "ball." best."

Your word choice is great for this piece. The only suggestion I would make to change would beby for in on line 8
Like I was covered by a shroud.


This poem was very good, and I hope to read more of your work sometime.

I hope my advice is helpful. Take from it what you will, but keep on writing!
8
8
Review of My Life  
Review by Ducttape Knight
Rated: E | (3.5)
*MailB* I'm not a professional editor, so bear in mind the opinions here are my own. *MailB*
I found your poem on the review request page.

I like this poem, though I found it a little bit hard to read for a few reasons.
First off, I think you should separate this poem off into sections. I feel that if a poem is more than 10 lines, it should have a set of lines together, a blank line, and then another set of blank lines. You have 19 lines, which makes this a bit more difficult from most poems to separate. I would suggest going 6-7-6, or 6-6-7. Or you could play around with it and find something else that works well. In poetry, presentation matters.

Second, the poem doesn't have a cohesive flow about it. Flow can be achieved in any number of ways. I suggest reading this aloud to yourself and seeing how it rolls off your tongue. For example, if I were to bring the second line into the first lines flow, I would rewrite it like so
The title leaps to mind, a whirling cyclone.
Sometimes it also helps to see the words in a different way. Since you wrote this on the computer, try printing it up and reading it again.

Your rhyme scheme. You stick with "old" for every odd numbered line in the whole poem, except for line 9 where you have "soul." Very good except for that line.

I think you have the beginnings of something great here, but it just needs some polishing.
I hope my advice is helpful. Take from it what you will, but keep on writing!

9
9
Review of Into the Light  
Review by Ducttape Knight
Rated: E | (4.5)
I found this piece through the random reads, and I just wanted to say that I like it. It seems like a horror story from those first two lines, but then I got to the last one and everything was put into context. It's amazing to me what we can say with so few words, capture such a significant moment as you have here. I feel you did extremely well with this piece.
10
10
Review of Homunculus  
Review by Ducttape Knight
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*MailB* I'm not a professional editor, so bear in mind the opinions here are my own. *MailB*

*Balloonb*THINGS TO IMPROVE:
The paragraph about the Cerberus is a little confusing to read. Go into more detail about the physical aspects combination.

Also the final paragraph doesn't jive with the rest of the piece, as it breaks the fourth wall with the reader.

*Balloong*PUNCTUATION:
A few points where you're missing commas.
sounds that the element could make, such as waves, or crackling flames.


*Balloono*GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
Spelling is great. There's a few points where you're missing words to keep the grammar proper.
the goal of a nearly indestructible and undying body.


*BalloonR*FAVORITE LINE(S):
This is why criminals are more active, men are braver, and couples find the full moon romantic.

A nice tie in to the current world as we know it.

*Balloonv*FINAL THOUGHTS:
A very interesting piece. I think you could enhance the flavor of this piece by attributing it to a non existent encyclopedia or something of the sort. I enjoyed this read


I hope my advice is helpful. Take from it what you will, but keep on writing!
A review signature for Talent Pond members.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
11
11
Review of The Sanguine Song  
Review by Ducttape Knight
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I like this story of two vampire lovers. A nice refreshing poem. There's a few points that could be tightened up though, and I feel the need to question the use of the word kohl.
I thought You meant to put coal, and then I saw the definition at the end and realized you did mean to use kohl. But the way you use it just screams coal. If you want to keep using the word kohl, I think you should rewrite it to something like "Hunger appears in eyes, darkened around by kohl"
As far as I know, kohl isn't a color by itself, but imparts a color, presumably a dark color from the context.

Poetry, from what I understand of it, is all about flow. You have a few words interspersed throughout that, while being proper grammar, interrupt the flow. For example, your second to last set of lines:
With a quick strike, she obeys his voice,
feeling his body spasm.
They consummate this final choice
joined in an orgasm.

Poetry is much more subjective than other forms of writing, but I would change feeling to feels. I would also put a descriptive word in to replace an, show what kind of orgasm they have. Is it a violent orgasm? their final? explosive? I think you get the gist.

Overall I think this is a good poem.

I hope my advice is helpful. Take from it what you will, but keep on writing!
A review signature for Talent Pond members.
12
12
Review of Gathea CH1  
Review by Ducttape Knight
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (1.5)
Story
The story is all backwards. Flashbacks can be a useful tool, but you used one way too early. If you're flashing back in the first chapter, then you've started the story in the wrong place. Since I knew that she was already going to turn down Jonathan, I got bored and almost stopped reading. With the reader having that knowledge, there's no tension, no line being reeled in to keep the reader hooked. Rewrite it so the scene with her father is after she returns without Jonathan, and the reader will be wondering just how the father is going to react.

Dialogue
The Dialogue was okay. It didn't stand out in any way, but it wasn't bad either.

Technical
You need to go back and make sure that the forms of your words are what you mean for them to be.
prepared for the worse knowing he
Worse means something isn't as good as. In this instance you want worst.
Their hopes rested on marring me off early
I don't know what marring means, but I believe you meant to put marrying.
We walked in silence, both lost in our own thought.
Thought should be pluralized to thoughts.

You also have a problem with adverbs. While adverbs themselves are not bad, most times they can be replaced with a stronger word, or just removed entirely, like that. I have a problem with them too, and they're the first thing I look for when I edit any story I write. I leave them in Dialogue, but remove them everywhere else when I can. A good rule of thumb is one for every 300 words.
Here's a few points where you've placed them that could be improved
I had shouted heatedly when my father
I held back the angry tears that fought
Mother was smiling warmly, dimples sticking

The last one is a good example of a spot where you can use a stronger word to describe her smile. I would rewrite as "Mother's smile beamed,"
Most adverbs can be recognized by having -ly on the end of the word, and removing them helps to tighten up writing so it's more elegant.

Overall
Like I wrote before, I got bored from the lack of tension in the scene. If you rewrite it so that there's some surprise, it'll go a long way toward making this a good story. Drop me a line if you do, and I'll read and rerate it if you want.

Take from this review what you will, but keep on writing!
A review signature for Talent Pond members.
13
13
Review by Ducttape Knight
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Story
This seems to me more like an outline than a full story. But it could be turned into something great.

She walked into school that morning sporting sunglasses and a Jesse-print acorss her left cheek.

I like that "A Jesse-print" It would be confusing if not for the mention of pain in the previous sentence, but it gives a great visual without having to describe her swollen purple cheek.

Technical
You're telling most of the detail in this piece, and it could be improved by expanding on what you have. As great as using the term Jesse-print is, this piece could be enhanced by adding in those details. For example: Walking down the hall, whispers trailed after (main character's name). Everyone who saw the swollen purple bruise/bandage/whatever makes a jesse print real, knew it was a Jesse-print. (MCname) was done hiding and taking his abuse.

There's quite a few spelling errors. "She weould forget," "To many months" should be too, "Everyknow" should be everyone knew.

Your story would also be helped by breaking it into several paragraphs. Just use your best judgement as to where to break one sentence from another. It just gets hard to read something that's one long paragraph, and a quick way to turn off readers.

Overall
This story is rough, but with some polish you can make it great. After you make some edits, if you want me to reread and rerate it, drop me a line.

Take from this review what you will, but keep on writing!
A review signature for Talent Pond members.
14
14
Review by Ducttape Knight
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Story
I like the story. Demon recruits a weak willed man to serve him, and then rewards him for giving in to his weakness and killing a helpless person with added strength and healing. The beginnings to a much longer tale that has some potential.
It felt like he was being incinerated but didn’t have the luxury of dying.

I like that sentence.

Dialogue
What dialogue there is, is good. But there's instances of telling the reader what Leon says without letting the reader hear the dialogue.
Leon’s mouth trembled as he told Dimitriez his name.

Rewrite it so Leon is actually speaking the words. For example: "Le-Le-Leon. My name is Leon."

Technical
There are a few things you can do to tighten up your writing. You tell rather than show quite a bit. I do too, it's a habit that's hard to break. I'll rewrite your opening paragraph to show you one of the many ways you can improve it
His vision was blurry. He felt an immense heat around him. The surface underneath him was hard and rough, like stone. He couldn't make out where he was but it was not with his friends and their captor Zane. Leon rubbed his eyes and could then see clear. There wasn’t much light, the only form of light was a red glow appearing seemingly from nowhere.


Leon woke with a start. He pushed himself up from the warm stone floor and opened his eyes thought, where am I?
A thin sheen of sweat had formed across his body, so Leon wiped his hands on the legs of his jeans before clearing his blurred vision. Where's that red light coming from? He couldn't see a source for the light, but the diffuse glow was everywhere.

That's my take on it. I'm sure you know more about the situation that Leon is in, and can improve the opening even more with all the little details of the room that I don't know of. Are there lines of cages down the breadth of the room? Or is it just one cage in the middle of a storeroom?

There's also a problem with adverbs. I've seen writings that have many more than this, but it's still a problem.
Leon immediately grabbed the demon’s arm but his strength was nothing compared to a demon’s.

in this case the sentence works whether immediately is there or not, so you would be best served by just removing it.
The -ly adverbs are the easiest to see, or at least they are for me. Another example would be
Leon yelled as loud as his lungs would let him. The pain burned, every ounce of his body felt like it was on fire.

What is yelling as loud as you can called? Screaming. Leon screamed as hellfire burned through his veins. Much more visceral and definite.

Overall
I like it. There's some rough edges that need to be smoothed over, but with some work you can do it.

Take from this review what you will, but keep on writing!
A review signature for Talent Pond members.
15
15
Review by Ducttape Knight
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Story
I'm not sure I understand what the story is. Serrony and her friend Kyle are done with earthside schooling and are now about to go off to a University on a space station of some sorts? I just don't see any hook for the reader. I'm assuming this story is going to be all about their first year at Galaxy High?

Dialogue
The dialogue is a little forced in areas. It's unrealistic for a student to yell out in the middle of class, even if it's almost over, “Ah! Will this ever be over?”
I can see mothers saying to their kids the things your characters mothers might. for the rest of it you might want to speak some of it out loud. Does it feel natural coming off your tongue like that? If not, then figure out how you would say it differently

Technical
You have a problem (one I still have on occasion) of telling rather than showing. "Don't tell me the moon is shining. Show me the glint of light off broken glass." ~Anton Checkov
You also break the fourth wall quite a lot. If this is done properly, it can be very effective. I don't know how to do it effectively, so I can't help you much there. I can suggest a rewrite so one of those instances doesn't break it:
Even though she's younger and shorter than me 5"2 to be exact I'm 5"4 by the way.

I would put this as "Even though she's younger, and two inches shorter than my 5'4" height,"

Another problem, which I really struggle with on my first drafts, but is easy to rectify in editing, is your use of adverbs. Adverbs don't move the story along, and weaken it in most cases. For example:
Suddenly Black Widow slowly strolls out the darkness,

and change darkness to something more concrete like a shadowed overhang, or the shadows of an overhanging trellis, or whatever you decide, and you've got a tight sentence full of detail.
Overall
I can see the hints of a fun writing style poking out, but it's buried beneath unshaped talent. With some more time and effort, you can pull it to the surface.

Take from this review what you will, but keep on writing!
A review signature for Talent Pond members.
16
16
Review by Ducttape Knight
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I like this matchmaker tale. You show great description with how you portray the office, how Alverta reacts to Eight, and the easy going confidence of Eight. Your description is very top notch.

But the way you tell it keeps it from reaching the heights it's capable of. You start the story off in Alverta's point of view, and then when Bex Hart enters, you side slip into her PoV. In a longer piece you could do this with an asterisk in a break, but in something as short as this it's just not feasible. I would suggest rewriting it to consistently follow either Alverta or Bex Hart's PoV.

Here's two possibilities I thought of when the story jarred me. Bex Hart could be watching Alverta on a monitor, being amused at the reaction the secretary has to Eight and so on until it's time for Bex to make her entrance, etc,.

Or keep the beginning and have Alverta accompany Bex and Eight into Bex's office to serve them drinks, transcribe the conversation Bex and Eight have, whatever it is, as long as Alverta is there in the room. Maybe she's leaving the room after serving them drinks, and hears Eight's final line just as she closes the doors.

You have a great beginning, and a great ending, but they just don't mesh together into the same story, at least not for me.

I hope my advice is helpful. Take from it what you will, but keep on writing!
A review signature for Talent Pond members.
17
17
Review by Ducttape Knight
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like this little tale you weaved, I could clearly picture both your story, and the story the little boy was telling. One small error I noticed though, which you committed over and over. Throughout the story, your punctuation is outside the quotes, and in one place missing the period.

won’t”,
little – “,
shed”.
again”.
worms”

This is a handful of the misplaced or missing punctuations I noticed, and it was the only thing keeping me from giving you a perfect 5 rating. Otherwise very well done.

Keep on writing!
A review signature for Talent Pond members.
18
18
Review by Ducttape Knight
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is an interesting piece. You're trying to quantify and qualify something that is not able to be measured by any established methods. It's not my cup of tea, but for those who it is I can see them being moved by it.

There were 2 things that jumped out at me though.
"Animal, vegetable, mineral, or spiritual?"

Spiritual just doesn't seem to fit in with the rest. I would either remove it entirely, or change it to energy or light. But then again, maybe it means something more to you than I can see.

The other thing is the paragraph where you start with "My soul is me." There seems to me to be a lot of run on sentences at the end. Maybe that's your design to show just how excited your answer makes you. But I would cut some of the run ons into their own sentences.

Take from this review what you will, but keep on writing!
19
19
Review by Ducttape Knight
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I like the scene, you set it up pretty well. I have to comment though, that I don't believe an assassin would drink any brandy right before a job as that would slow his reflexes. Maybe once the jobs complete he would, but not right before. You also have a small problem with run on sentences. There's a few of them scattered throughout, but the one that stands out the most to me is the final one. "But they did not see Ivan." would be best split onto it's own. Overall pretty good though. Keep on writin!
19 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/navatar1