I like your style, maybe because it reminds me of mine. Your emotions come through and your sense of despair is palpable. The short choppy style offends a lot of traditionalists, but I think it helps us express our thoughts and feelings in a shorthand that is easy to understand.
I will read more of your poetry. might I suggest you check out my two poems, "The Boxing Match," "Anger."
Your work is very clever and well executed. I imagine it took quite a bit of time to continually refine the wording and to you reached your target. Your story serves as a wonderful example to e every writer h who included one extra word.
I found nothing to correct nor do I have any suggestions to make it better.
Neil
You write very well and have an excellent command of the language. I enjoyed your story, particularly the ending. It has sort of an Edgar Allan Poe feeling to it.
One suggestion. You could add some actual conversation at the beginning of the story when he meets with his so-called friends. By depicting his reactions, and perhaps showing some of his distorted visions, you would make the story come more alive.
You write well and I found no grammatical or other errors. Your command of the language is good and you described your characters and the scenes well. However, I found the story to be moderately interesting. The young princess who wants to be more like a prince is not new and you didn't present it in a way that differed from others. You might consider what you could add to it to make it more substantive and perhaps different.
Your story was well written. I found it to be interesting and entertaining. The mysterious nature of the candle, and the ability to palm it off on the next person were well done. I don't have any suggestions for corrections or changes. I'm surprised you're average rating is only 4.0, but that's the nature of this place. I'll visit your web site.
You might find some dark/horror stories of interest at my place.
I found this to be a very good story. Your writing delicately and imaginatively addresses a touchy issue about teenage girls and the crushes they can have on each other. I found only one issue with your story, which I have addressed below. Keep on writing.
"She steered to confront " the use of the word "steered" seems a bit odd. You might want to think about another word.
A delightful and lovely poem. Your use of imagery is very good and the mood is set very well.
[b}When will I touch you there?{/b} if this means what I think it means, is the rating appropriate? It's not a big deal to me but I ran afoul of the authorities of one of my short stories.
You have good ideas, but you need to work on how you say things as well as what you say. For example, you don't want to begin three lines in a row with, "A" you need more variation.
Also, poetry is filled with metaphors and allusions. However what do you mean when you say, "love that feels like a dream."
Instead of saying "type of love" describe what you mean.
A love that feels like a dream,
A type of love that only we can see.
A between us that is so strong,
Look at the rest of your lines in your rhyming patterns. Sometimes trying to Ryan gets in the way of watch you are trying to say. If you haven't done so, I would strongly suggest that you read many of the great love poems. These are easily found on the net. See how one walked a great writer said, and then try to translate it into your own thoughts and feelings. That's how I started.
"Screams," is too strong. Think about what you actually feel when someone you love is away. Do you feel screaming in agony? Or is it something a bit subtler. The rhyming seems forced below.
My heart screams in agony when your away,
With you I will always stay.
I will stand beside you through thick and thin,
We both know this love is no sin.
Try writing a line in many different ways. Look at the different ways you can express yourself and use words. But the words have to connect with feelings.
Writing isn't easy. Writing poetry is much harder. It's been often said that good writing is really about good editing. The same is true for poetry. Work on this poem until you can look at it and feel comfortable with the use of language, not just what you are saying.
This is a good start. You've got interesting characters that relate well to each other. You've got a dead body and a mystery to solve. So you've got a good hook for the reader. You need to write much tighter. Too many extra words that don't need to be there. Unless I'm mistaken, she's a vampire. If so, why or how could she breathe. Vampires are dead, they have no need to breathe. Writing is ultimately about editing. Again, and again and again.
Shame on you for letting this lie around for so long. You write very well, a natural talent. The command of the language is excellent , and,I'd have to go over this very finely to find anything technically wrong. It's a great start to her short story or novel, either one. I particularly like the fact that as a reader I wasn't thinking about the protagonist's gender until you mentioned it.
Clearly, this is some future world in which mental abilities have been greatly enhanced. Perhaps a post apocalyptic, genetically enhanced version of us. I've been reading science fiction for many decades, and this is a fine beginning to this type of story.
This was a very good story and I enjoyed it a lot. The notion of making money from a hole in your head has a lot of metaphorical significance these days. We have a lot of people with seemingly sound heads who've done magical tricks with money by making it disappear. In a way, I was sorry that "Kathy realized what was truly important." It might have been funnier to have continued with the premise of having a hole in her head and see where it took her in life.
It's a very good story with a great ending. Your writing is strong, and your scenes are very descriptive. I could almost feel what he felt as the story progressed.
A couple of technical points.
"She fully closed her eyes and placed her fisted " I don't think you need "fully."
"Night had fully fallen by the point I arrived home" Perhaps you could say "It was dark by the time I arrived home."
The story is excellent. It is very creative and imaginative. Missing journals or diaries have been found before but your concept and execution makes the story standout. The ending is very good and heightens the sense of mystery. I only wish this was the first chapter I could find out the rest of the story.
This is a superb story. You're very creative, and your use of imagery is excellent. It is very precisely and concisely written and relates very well to the photograph. The characters are good and I can almost see the scen you have created. I have nothing to offer to make it any better, nor do I see anything technically wrong with it. If you don't win, I certainly want to see the winner.
This is a wonderful story and shows you to be a caring person willing to help others in ways that most won't. I can well imagine your scare when you had to be tested for HIV. Your friend's loss of life was a tragedy. You're thinking of her every time you give blood is a fitting "memorial."
At least you give blood willingly; some of the people in my stories don't have that option. You might find my story "Blood Bites" amusing.
This was a fun story to read. You write well and your command of language is excellent. I found no technical errors. I was trying to think how funny this story really is. I think that would depend upon who is doing the telling. While it certainly brought a smile to my face, I tried to imagine which comedienne or comedian would tell it best. Unfortunately no one came to mind. Then again, since it's your story, maybe you would be the best person to tell it.
As usual, you write well and tell a good story. Joe's story is not just apocryphal; it sounds like a mixture of Elvis Presley, Willie Nelson, and Johnny Cash thrown together. I think the story would read better if you didn't reach so far on some of the metaphors that I've cited below. Using the power of language can help the story, but it also can hinder it when the story is a simple one and the language becomes too complex.
"Its slow collapse is melodic with the wind's melodies playing like the bass chords" something simpler and more direct would be better.
"Amazing how jewels appears" it should be "jewels appear."
"He had the moaning cry, like an animal in pain." I think you might want to choose another metaphor. This doesn't bring to mind any singing I'd want to listen to.
"This monster had coal eyes that blazed. He looked like a giant werewolf with mangled ebony hair, a nose like a pig's snot and a mouth full of razor sharp teeth. He could rip a person or animal apart. His muscular arms and legs were covered with needles and fur and the fingers and toes had nails sharpened to gold points. His chest had metal scales like a fish."
My comment here is not about your writing as it is about your use of, or interpretation of, theology. Satan was an angel, just like Michael and Gabriel. If he is going to seduce people, why not do it as the beautiful creation "he" is? God cast Satan down, but I don't remember that he necessarily made him look like a beast. There's a line I know you're familiar with. " The greatest trick Satan ever performed was convincing the world that he doesn't exist." Easier to do that when you blend in, as opposed to looking like some kind of horrific creature.
"stop the internal brain bleed." You might want to use the word hemorrhaging here.
DNA matches suggest the present time. Why would he try to copy Blind Lemon Jefferson or Robert Johnson, blues singers of more than 50 and 60 years ago? The stylistic differences between then and now are huge. Why not Muddy Waters or B B King?.
You tell an important story and do a good job of it. The description of finding Donnie in the street having fallen to the bottom of society is an important one. The tears running down Donnie's face give the story strong emotional impact. For that matter, the whole issue of substance abuse and its horrible effects is of great significance in our society. Weaving in, "Your" story with Donnie's adds to the impact.
I did have a little trouble when you went back and forth from the telling of the story with Donnie to some of the past history. The following two sentences sentences describe what must have been a very dramatic and painful moment. When a husband finds his wife drinking bourbon at 6 a.m. in the morning I had a conversation, even if it was supportive, must have followed. "My husband discovered me drinking straight Jack Daniels boubon at six in the morning. We decided I needed to go to a drug rehabilitation center." Yet, the sentences come off very matter-of-factly as if it were a discussion of the grocery list. You might want to add a little of emotional punch that was undoubtedly there.
Good work,
Neil
The same could be said of the statement of the sun's going to
This is a very good story, and I like the way you paint vivid pictures with words. Your use of words and language enabled you to describe more than most people can in the same number of words. There is nothing I can think of to make the story better.
One small technical error.
"we were allowed plead our particular" I believe you need to add "to" between allowed and plead.
Well, maybe I have one small suggestion.
"he ambled satisfactorily away," You might want to describe what this looks like.
Your story is beautiful and you write very well. It is a touching, sad, joyful, celebration of life and death. Olivia's faith was rewarded, but so too was Mark's. It's kind of like a Hallmark Hall of Fame show, and I mean this as a compliment. There is nothing I can tell you to make it any better, nor would I bother to try and find anything technically wrong with it. Thank you for sharing this with me.
You write very well, and you're thinking is clear as you attempt to solve an insoluble issue. At no time do you mention "faith." Religion is more about faith and belief that it is about science. Any attempt to prove that God does not exist runs aground because all the evidence that is needed cannot be provided. Any attempt to prove that God does exist, at least by the laws of science, also runs aground because the scientific evidence ultimately becomes unsupportable.
Perhaps a little psychology might be useful here. Despite the overwhelming evidence that supports the theory of evolution, the vast majority of Americans believe in some form of creationism. Why? Well, every Christian and every Jew learns about the Garden of Eden and that God created the heavens and earth in seven days long before they ever look upon a science book. So, in a sense people believe what they are taught to believe. But eventually, they must make a decision about whether to continue to believe what they were taught in their most formative age. The decisions that people make lead them to rationale that support the decisions. If we find ourselves discordant with our own beliefs, it is called "cognitive dissonance." This is an unsustainable way to live. So we create a universe, at least in our own head, according to our beliefs in the way we need to see things. Ultimately, all the arguments and proofs lead nowhere. People end up believing what they want to believe regardless of of what anyone else shows them or tells them.
Personally I believe there are things that we do not know and cannot understand even though I consider myself a person of science. The physicists have found that at some point when you begin to examine matter at its smallest components the observer and the observed become inseparable. So too with religion.
You write well, and you have the makings of an interesting story.
Unfortunately, I was confused about what happened. Why was he so somber? It was not clear who Kate was and what he had done to offend her. It would have helped to know more about the chest, and what was in it. I was also curious about how his wife knew about it.
You write with the literary style that uses long sentences that are hard to digest. This style interrupts the flow of the story.
I am familiar with this style from such literary magazines as the Iowa review, Indiana review etc. There is a line in Shakespeare that might apply here. "More matter with less art." (Gertrude to Polonius in Macbeth)
Some technical issues are addressed below.
"Then he will start, startled, and make a nervous utterance of flimsy self-defence." The use of start and startled next to each other is confusing. The phrase "a nervous utterance of flimsy self defense" is not clear and could be stated more simply.
"Now, a standing observer has been staring at him a few steps away, for some minutes, and finally breaks the silence:
Though actually so brief, his encounter with her was an odd hour happening" instead of saying "Now, a standing observer has been staring," it would have been simpler to say, "An observer had been staring at him a few steps away."
" once upon a time when the city turned a fairy land where every " I believe "into" should be inserted between "turned" and "a."
"Today, a little later than usual, about half an hour to twilight, Wilfred sets forth, biding his bemused wife goodbye." Why is his wife bemused?
" His thoughts are now about the innovative piece of literature he read lately; it contained information about the great ornamental potentials of yellow roses in gardens and in decorative flower arrangements for bed and living rooms " I'm not sure what this sentence adds to the story. It's one of those sentences that I think breaks up the flow.
"She says nothing, but simply stares on." The use of "but simply stares on," is a bit confusing.
" Now, life and expression begin to come into her countenance." This sentence could be more clearly stated.
This is a good story, and very well written. Your writing is tight, your prose is very good. I like the idea very much and I think you executed it well for the most part. The only thing that prevents me from giving it a 5 is my belief that he didn't finish the story. Great beginning, great middle, where is the end? Tell us more about the creature. Where did it come from? How does it feed on the bodies subsumes? It thinks? All unanswered questions. Answer these questions and I think you have a great short story, one worthy of publication.
I have a fairly similar short story. I think I would be interesting for you to read mine. Of course this is not tied to the review in any way.
Neil
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