This is a lovely and well told story. It's a heart warming, Hallmark Hall of Fame tale that can almost be true. Perhaps it is. Fortunately for Winnie, her mother had the courage to toss her husband out. Unfortunately, as is so often the case, the father decided not to care for the family. The description of Winnie, drawing between caring for her way would brothers, and trying to protect yourself, it is also said, but too often true. I can think of anything to tell you that would make the story better. Nor can I find anything technically wrong with it. Thank you very much for a good read.
Story is very well written and interesting in its own way. It's certainly not about the usual subject matter, but that's not the point. You use the term "nasty" to describe a normal biological process. I had the feeling that's where the story was headed in the first place. In our obsessively anal society we've turned bowel movements into "nasty business." Unfortunately, when you go into details about "turds" to many readers will drop out, so to speak. It was interesting reading your story. Excuse me, I've got to go to the bathroom.
You've got an interesting start to what seems to be a complicated story. Your descriptions are detailed providing the reader with a vivid image. The conversations between the people seem real, which is important.
Some general comments.
1. You introduce a lot of characters in a short amount of time. This can be confusing and/or overwhelming to the reader.
2. You use complicated words/verbs to describe things, some of which could be said simpler.
3. III Wednesday at 8:10 a.m. comes before IV Wednesday 7:56 a.m. This is confusing.
4. I assume it's Bill in the opening scene at Wednesday's 6:30 a.m. It's good that he has a lot of people concerned about them, perhaps too many at this juncture.
Specific examples of things that might be simplified or clarified.
I. "The cloying odor of human waste and dried sweat slept on his tongue" "slept" seems a bit odd. Perhaps you could say "were heavy."
2. . " A clogged nasal cavity told him he had been breathing through his mouth for a long time. " You could delete this sentence without losing anything.
3. "From the dawn's blinding beam." Perhaps you could say that a little simpler and more direct.
4. "Nerve endings grinding like shredded glass." Again, perhaps you could say this in another way.
5. "The pounding in his temples cascaded to a cathedral's bell tolling the hour." Perhaps you could say, "the pounding in his temples rang like a cathedral's bell."
6. "Darkness insinuated itself inside him." This too could be said simpler and more direct.
7. "Even in the early morning it sucked the life from all present like a black hole beneath the concrete." This is pretty overpowering. Again, a simpler description might suffice.
Commas.
There are a number of instances where you need commas. I will site a couple of them, but I suggest you use spelling and grammar in Microsoft Word
"As he squinted through the one good eye he studied." There should be a calmer after "eye,"
"with the nod of her dark brown locks the little girl." There should be a comma after "locks."
It's interesting and well written. I like the element of the victim being asleep but sort of not asleep.
I think you could make the story longer and build up the suspense and terror. Or, you might consider having multiple episodes so that the victim is afraid to go to sleep but doesn't quite know why. The sense of anticipation of the creature would build with each episode. The story has an element of Clive Barker in it.
There's nothing technical that I would suggest you change.
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