This is a very good story, and I like the way you paint vivid pictures with words. Your use of words and language enabled you to describe more than most people can in the same number of words. There is nothing I can think of to make the story better.
One small technical error.
"we were allowed plead our particular" I believe you need to add "to" between allowed and plead.
Well, maybe I have one small suggestion.
"he ambled satisfactorily away," You might want to describe what this looks like.
Your story is beautiful and you write very well. It is a touching, sad, joyful, celebration of life and death. Olivia's faith was rewarded, but so too was Mark's. It's kind of like a Hallmark Hall of Fame show, and I mean this as a compliment. There is nothing I can tell you to make it any better, nor would I bother to try and find anything technically wrong with it. Thank you for sharing this with me.
You write very well, and you're thinking is clear as you attempt to solve an insoluble issue. At no time do you mention "faith." Religion is more about faith and belief that it is about science. Any attempt to prove that God does not exist runs aground because all the evidence that is needed cannot be provided. Any attempt to prove that God does exist, at least by the laws of science, also runs aground because the scientific evidence ultimately becomes unsupportable.
Perhaps a little psychology might be useful here. Despite the overwhelming evidence that supports the theory of evolution, the vast majority of Americans believe in some form of creationism. Why? Well, every Christian and every Jew learns about the Garden of Eden and that God created the heavens and earth in seven days long before they ever look upon a science book. So, in a sense people believe what they are taught to believe. But eventually, they must make a decision about whether to continue to believe what they were taught in their most formative age. The decisions that people make lead them to rationale that support the decisions. If we find ourselves discordant with our own beliefs, it is called "cognitive dissonance." This is an unsustainable way to live. So we create a universe, at least in our own head, according to our beliefs in the way we need to see things. Ultimately, all the arguments and proofs lead nowhere. People end up believing what they want to believe regardless of of what anyone else shows them or tells them.
Personally I believe there are things that we do not know and cannot understand even though I consider myself a person of science. The physicists have found that at some point when you begin to examine matter at its smallest components the observer and the observed become inseparable. So too with religion.
You write well, and you have the makings of an interesting story.
Unfortunately, I was confused about what happened. Why was he so somber? It was not clear who Kate was and what he had done to offend her. It would have helped to know more about the chest, and what was in it. I was also curious about how his wife knew about it.
You write with the literary style that uses long sentences that are hard to digest. This style interrupts the flow of the story.
I am familiar with this style from such literary magazines as the Iowa review, Indiana review etc. There is a line in Shakespeare that might apply here. "More matter with less art." (Gertrude to Polonius in Macbeth)
Some technical issues are addressed below.
"Then he will start, startled, and make a nervous utterance of flimsy self-defence." The use of start and startled next to each other is confusing. The phrase "a nervous utterance of flimsy self defense" is not clear and could be stated more simply.
"Now, a standing observer has been staring at him a few steps away, for some minutes, and finally breaks the silence:
Though actually so brief, his encounter with her was an odd hour happening" instead of saying "Now, a standing observer has been staring," it would have been simpler to say, "An observer had been staring at him a few steps away."
" once upon a time when the city turned a fairy land where every " I believe "into" should be inserted between "turned" and "a."
"Today, a little later than usual, about half an hour to twilight, Wilfred sets forth, biding his bemused wife goodbye." Why is his wife bemused?
" His thoughts are now about the innovative piece of literature he read lately; it contained information about the great ornamental potentials of yellow roses in gardens and in decorative flower arrangements for bed and living rooms " I'm not sure what this sentence adds to the story. It's one of those sentences that I think breaks up the flow.
"She says nothing, but simply stares on." The use of "but simply stares on," is a bit confusing.
" Now, life and expression begin to come into her countenance." This sentence could be more clearly stated.
This is a good story, and very well written. Your writing is tight, your prose is very good. I like the idea very much and I think you executed it well for the most part. The only thing that prevents me from giving it a 5 is my belief that he didn't finish the story. Great beginning, great middle, where is the end? Tell us more about the creature. Where did it come from? How does it feed on the bodies subsumes? It thinks? All unanswered questions. Answer these questions and I think you have a great short story, one worthy of publication.
I have a fairly similar short story. I think I would be interesting for you to read mine. Of course this is not tied to the review in any way.
This is a lovely and well told story. It's a heart warming, Hallmark Hall of Fame tale that can almost be true. Perhaps it is. Fortunately for Winnie, her mother had the courage to toss her husband out. Unfortunately, as is so often the case, the father decided not to care for the family. The description of Winnie, drawing between caring for her way would brothers, and trying to protect yourself, it is also said, but too often true. I can think of anything to tell you that would make the story better. Nor can I find anything technically wrong with it. Thank you very much for a good read.
Story is very well written and interesting in its own way. It's certainly not about the usual subject matter, but that's not the point. You use the term "nasty" to describe a normal biological process. I had the feeling that's where the story was headed in the first place. In our obsessively anal society we've turned bowel movements into "nasty business." Unfortunately, when you go into details about "turds" to many readers will drop out, so to speak. It was interesting reading your story. Excuse me, I've got to go to the bathroom.
You've got an interesting start to what seems to be a complicated story. Your descriptions are detailed providing the reader with a vivid image. The conversations between the people seem real, which is important.
Some general comments.
1. You introduce a lot of characters in a short amount of time. This can be confusing and/or overwhelming to the reader.
2. You use complicated words/verbs to describe things, some of which could be said simpler.
3. III Wednesday at 8:10 a.m. comes before IV Wednesday 7:56 a.m. This is confusing.
4. I assume it's Bill in the opening scene at Wednesday's 6:30 a.m. It's good that he has a lot of people concerned about them, perhaps too many at this juncture.
Specific examples of things that might be simplified or clarified.
I. "The cloying odor of human waste and dried sweat slept on his tongue" "slept" seems a bit odd. Perhaps you could say "were heavy."
2. . " A clogged nasal cavity told him he had been breathing through his mouth for a long time. " You could delete this sentence without losing anything.
3. "From the dawn's blinding beam." Perhaps you could say that a little simpler and more direct.
4. "Nerve endings grinding like shredded glass." Again, perhaps you could say this in another way.
5. "The pounding in his temples cascaded to a cathedral's bell tolling the hour." Perhaps you could say, "the pounding in his temples rang like a cathedral's bell."
6. "Darkness insinuated itself inside him." This too could be said simpler and more direct.
7. "Even in the early morning it sucked the life from all present like a black hole beneath the concrete." This is pretty overpowering. Again, a simpler description might suffice.
Commas.
There are a number of instances where you need commas. I will site a couple of them, but I suggest you use spelling and grammar in Microsoft Word
"As he squinted through the one good eye he studied." There should be a calmer after "eye,"
"with the nod of her dark brown locks the little girl." There should be a comma after "locks."
It's interesting and well written. I like the element of the victim being asleep but sort of not asleep.
I think you could make the story longer and build up the suspense and terror. Or, you might consider having multiple episodes so that the victim is afraid to go to sleep but doesn't quite know why. The sense of anticipation of the creature would build with each episode. The story has an element of Clive Barker in it.
There's nothing technical that I would suggest you change.
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