|What you wrote in BLACK
Suggestions, questions, and things I DON'T like in blue.
Things I LIKE in orange
STATIC comments in green that are neither a like or dislike and could be a general observation without any suggestion to change anything.
First, sorry it's taken me a while to get back to this. I'm finally settled down where the military is going to keep me for 5 months so I can now get back to reviewing.
Bian anxiously looked over her shoulder as she texted out, But what if we get caught trespassing?...is she sending the texts to both Rosa and jay?
Instead, the massive football star walked over to the oblivious student and tapped him on the shoulder.....if he's not going to take a picture of Warren, what's his motivation to approach him and tap him on his shoulder? What does he want?
she was chatting, whistling, or swinging around random branches and sticks she picked up along the way.....haha! This is SO me.
bespectacled friend, frizzy-haired girl, The athlete pointed.....it's good you're using these descriptors, but overuse is bad too. At this point, I feel they are overused.
Jay hissed at her talkative friend.....as a reader, I would much rather you use more names and less descriptors, saying "hissed at Rosa" instead.
extraditions your grandfather went on.”.....oh my gosh, I LOVE Rosa. She's my favorite. She's very realistic, because I often use the wrong word too.
the city had made some improvements since it was first erected.....if Grandpa's research was discredited, then why is the city still protecting the cave?
only on closer inspection would they find it had been torn asunder....this is not actually true. When he ripped the links apart, they would be bent out of shape with the broken points sticking out. Now, a clean cut with a bolt cutter would be better to conceal.
Cigarette butts, beer cans, and liquor bottles littered the floor....how long has this cave been blocked off? Are these old beer cans and butts? If Grandpa was so sure this cave held a secret, why didn't he clean it up or get the city to do it? If this garbage is fresh, how are people getting in?
FINAL THOUGHT: As much as I was hoping the cave would give Jay what she needed, I liked that it was ruined because it made it much more realistic and not what I expected, because I get bored with stories when I can accurately guess what's going to happen next.
Review done by JM Robison, Fantasy Author https://www.jmrobison.com
My writing advice and suggestions come from 16 years of writing, 9 completed novels, and 4 published novels contracted with Tirgearr Publishing https://tirpub.com/jmrobison. But I am only one reader. Get advice from others as well, as they may feel differently. I don't know everything, after all. Take the advice you like and trash the rest. Only you can tell this story. Never stop writing.
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