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1
1
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
but I had heard there was a long continuous climb, which sometimes gave trouble to many of the more experienced firemen.....why so hard on him? Do they really not want him to pass the test?

Even if it took years, I was sure she was worth the wait....cute:)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
"I am supposed to do it after you have gone.....why does she have to wait until then?


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
"Pub, pub, pub, is that all you lads think of?" "Church, dinner, garden, is that all you girls think of?".....cute.

and a pasty supper in a country pub....why did they have dinner at the pub when Gloria's mom invited him to dinner?

she pushed me away and with a clenched fist punched me on the side of my face....I'm irritated with Gloria. She leads all these guys on and then freaks out when they want sex. If she doesn't want sex, she needs to not make out with them and not allow groping. She's definitely sending out the clear message of "I want sex" with her actions, and then punishes the guys for trying to have sex with her.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Rachel knew she would receive retribution from somewhere, although she didn't know from where....I would really like to know from where it would come from and who would give it to her.

I'm enjoying the story, but I am still having a hard time with the ghosts for reasons already stated. I just want to see them made as much a character as all the other characters.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
ladybird.... do you mean ladybug? Or is this an English term? I know what you are talking about, at least.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
What you wrote in BLACK
My comments in GREEN
__________________________________________________________________

"Yeah, maybe, but he's not here is he?".....haha!

I looked at Gordy's ex-girlfriend.....I need clarification as to who this is. The way he gets around with so many women and has sex with all of them, I'm not exactly sure who this is. I kind of get the impression he has many ex-girlfriends.

__________________________________________________________________
Review done by JM Robison, Fantasy Author https://tirpub.com/jmrobison

*Dragon*My writing advice and suggestions come from 16 years of writing, 9 completed novels, and 4 published novels contracted with Tirgearr Publishing. But I am only one reader. Get advice from others as well, as they may feel differently. I don't know everything, after all. Take the advice you like and trash the rest. Only you can tell this story. Never stop writing.*Dragon*

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7
7
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
A good chapter. The story remains engaging.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
What you wrote in BLACK
My comments in GREEN
__________________________________________________________________

Tony returned and laughed with them, although he didn't know what he was laughing about....this sums up his personality. It made me laugh! :)

A good chapter. I like how you have given each character an individual personality I can track instead of being cutouts from the same paper. There are a lot of characters and I sometimes lose track of them, but I think this will stop being a problem the more I get to know them. Great writing style.


__________________________________________________________________
Review done by JM Robison, Fantasy Author https://tirpub.com/jmrobison

*Dragon*My writing advice and suggestions come from 16 years of writing, 9 completed novels, and 4 published novels contracted with Tirgearr Publishing. But I am only one reader. Get advice from others as well, as they may feel differently. I don't know everything, after all. Take the advice you like and trash the rest. Only you can tell this story. Never stop writing.*Dragon*

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Good for Gloria for dumping Simon.

You don't have to grant me gift points for the reviews, by the way. There are a lot of characters moving around and I find I'm struggling a bit keeping them all straight, just because there are so many of them.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
What you wrote in BLACK
My comments in GREEN.
__________________________________________________________________

Okay, I double checked this time. Chapter 4 is written in 3rd person, but the other chapters before and after it are written in 1st person. It's not wrong, but it can frustrate the reader a bit when they have to switch their brains back and forth.

Upset, yes I was upset, but also angry....Since you have introduced so many different characters, I don't know who this is but I would really like to start off the chapter knowing who it is.

"You sound just like dad. You'll be fizzing next. Fizzing at everyone."....It all depends on who your intended reading audience is, but if you want, say, America to read your story (if you plan to publish this, that is) then I don't understand what you mean by "fizzing".

The sensible thing to do now would be to get up and leave, but as usual I would try to reason with him.....I would really love to see inside her head to see her overriding reasons why she stays with him. Being a girl myself, I would have left him long ago. He's rude, disrespectful to her, humiliates her, clearly only wants one thing, and for some reason she's still hanging on. I suppose there might actually be girls out there like that, but I 'm definitely not one of them.

FINAL COMMENT:

As much as I don't like Simon, you have defined his character really well. His personality is distinct and unique.


__________________________________________________________________
Review done by JM Robison, Fantasy Author https://www.jmrobison.com

*Dragon*My writing advice and suggestions come from 16 years of writing, 9 completed novels, and 4 published novels contracted with Tirgearr Publishing https://tirpub.com/jmrobison. But I am only one reader. Get advice from others as well, as they may feel differently. I don't know everything, after all. Take the advice you like and trash the rest. Only you can tell this story. Never stop writing.*Dragon*

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
What you wrote in BLACK
Suggestions, questions, and things I DON'T like in blue.
Things I LIKE in orange
STATIC comments in green that are neither a like or dislike and could be a general observation without any suggestion to change anything.
__________________________________________________________________

looking more like two dogs fighting than a couple about to make love....haha! Made me laugh.

Her spirit was beginning to perk up from the boredom of her existence.....don't really understand this sentence. When I'm bored, I never feel "perky". Also, I speak American English so there might be some expressions I just don't understand.

after a brief surge of power...power from what? From where? Why would that make him disappear?

boneshaker....funny.


FINAL COMMENT:

I'm really struggling with the ghost chapters. I'm not connecting with them because I don't understand their ghostly mechanics as to what they are and are not allowed to do. She possessed the policeman's body, but my religious brain tells me that ghosts can't just possess people on a whim like that, and since this story is based on a real time-line and a real place, I feel that these "ghost rules" should also follow some sort of a real structure. It's also fiction, so you of course write it how you want, but I'm definitely not connecting with the ghost chapters for the reasons I listed above. I think I'd be better with them if you spent more time detailing how the ghosts in your story function, and why they have to find someone to take their places. All your other chapters are coming along nicely without any issues.


__________________________________________________________________
Review done by JM Robison, Fantasy Author https://www.jmrobison.com

*Dragon*My writing advice and suggestions come from 16 years of writing, 9 completed novels, and 4 published novels contracted with Tirgearr Publishing https://tirpub.com/jmrobison. But I am only one reader. Get advice from others as well, as they may feel differently. I don't know everything, after all. Take the advice you like and trash the rest. Only you can tell this story. Never stop writing.*Dragon*

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
What you wrote in BLACK
Suggestions, questions, and things I DON'T like in blue.
Things I LIKE in orange
STATIC comments in green that are neither a like or dislike and could be a general observation without any suggestion to change anything.
__________________________________________________________________
"Why don't you just carry on screwing your so called girlfriend, that old boot from the bakery?" The girl's brother spoke the insult with a cocky attitude....the way this is worded sounds like Gloria is the old boot from the bakery because it is her brother talking, right? I'm confused why her brother would suggest Gloria is screwing, anyway.

No major issues. I really like your writing style. Well done.

__________________________________________________________________
Review done by JM Robison, Fantasy Author https://www.jmrobison.com

*Dragon*My writing advice and suggestions come from 16 years of writing, 9 completed novels, and 4 published novels contracted with Tirgearr Publishing https://tirpub.com/jmrobison. But I am only one reader. Get advice from others as well, as they may feel differently. I don't know everything, after all. Take the advice you like and trash the rest. Only you can tell this story. Never stop writing.*Dragon*

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
What you wrote in BLACK
Suggestions, questions, and things I DON'T like in blue.
Things I LIKE in orange
STATIC comments in green that are neither a like or dislike and could be a general observation without any suggestion to change anything.
__________________________________________________________________

Sorry about not reviewing for a while. I was unavailable last weekend, but I'm back on track for right now. You'll get one from me every weekend unless I warn you otherwise.

The other end was filled with junk and decaying refuse, some of it pulsating with colonies of maggots. The air was full of tiny creatures, a banquet for the fat spiders in the many cobwebs which were hanging in the room.....this is where the blacksmith violated her? I find it hard to believe he'd be okay with the maggots and spiders and other junk while he was "doing it". I feel he would have dragged her outside instead. Just my opinion.

the flame flickering in a final dance with the wick....love this line.


She was relaxed and unaware a female spirit had been with her earlier, preparing for its departure.....I don't understand this. What is this female spirit doing?

But as they got nearer their departure time they began to regain strength. When her companion began to fade away Annie regained all her power and she made her last trip to the cottage.....I don't understand the meaning of "regaining power". What power? Why do they have power? Who gave it to them? Why did it leave? Why did they get it back?


FINAL COMMENT:
I don't understand what "preparing for final departure" implies. How does a ghost prepare to depart? Why is departure not automatic?

The order of your chapters feels rocky. The first chapter started out with a nice flow written in 3rd person past tense and a nice story developing, but then we jump to chapter 2 with heavy backstory of a ghost I don't understand, and when I glanced at chapter 3, it's written in 1st person present tense. It is generally bad to mix POVs and tenses because it is so disrupting on the readers' brain when they have to constantly adjust back and forth. I, for one, do not like the mixing of the tenses and POVs. So my suggestion is to pick one and stick with it for the whole story.

The story with the ghost I suggest you make chapter one and spend time building on it a little more, like adding more details as to the "preparing for departure" and what it means, and then the story with Gloria and Simon make chapter 2. I feel that would create a better flow in the story and would make the reading of it easier and the understanding of it all more clear.

__________________________________________________________________
Review done by JM Robison, Fantasy Author https://www.jmrobison.com

*Dragon*My writing advice and suggestions come from 16 years of writing, 9 completed novels, and 4 published novels contracted with Tirgearr Publishing https://tirpub.com/jmrobison. But I am only one reader. Get advice from others as well, as they may feel differently. I don't know everything, after all. Take the advice you like and trash the rest. Only you can tell this story. Never stop writing.*Dragon*

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
What you wrote in BLACK
Suggestions, questions, and things I DON'T like in blue.
Things I LIKE in orange
STATIC comments in green that are neither a like or dislike and could be a general observation without any suggestion to change anything.
__________________________________________________________________
Simon went back into sulk mode. He should know by now that it doesn’t work. "All right, if that's what you want. We'll call it a day, as you put it." I gave a false grin and walked off....I had to read this paragraph three times to figure out who was speaking and who was doing the action. Generally, whoever speaks has their own paragraph, and if someone else performs an action, they get their own paragraph. So it would look like this:

"What's the point? You obviously don't care about me. From what you say, we might as well split up. Might as well call it a day." Simon went back into sulk mode. He should know by now that it doesn’t work. "All right, if that's what you want. We'll call it a day, as you put it."

I gave a false grin and walked off.


FINAL COMMENT:

Your writing style is amazing. Good emotions, good descriptions, good setting, and good characterization. No critiques here *Smile*. Simon is a turd. I don't know why she stays with him. With his flip-flopping attitude, I would have ditched him long ago. But that's just me.



__________________________________________________________________
Review done by JM Robison, Fantasy Author https://www.jmrobison.com

*Dragon*My writing advice and suggestions come from 16 years of writing, 9 completed novels, and 4 published novels contracted with Tirgearr Publishing https://tirpub.com/jmrobison. But I am only one reader. Get advice from others as well, as they may feel differently. I don't know everything, after all. Take the advice you like and trash the rest. Only you can tell this story. Never stop writing.*Dragon*

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
for entry "Chapter Four
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
What you wrote in BLACK
Suggestions, questions, and things I DON'T like in blue.
Things I LIKE in orange
STATIC comments in green that are neither a like or dislike and could be a general observation without any suggestion to change anything.
__________________________________________________________________

or the way his sharp cheek bones or clean jawline would look as a pencil sketch....love this line.

A logistics discussion here. I know Sawyer should hear the conversation between Spencer and Aaron, but the current logistics of it happening in the library are not clear to me. I know why Sawyer is in the library, but why is Aaron there? And Spencer? Sawyer has clearly been in the library for a long time, so does that mean Spencer and Aaron were in the corner of the library that whole time? She certainly didn't see them walk passed her coming in, even though she saw Spencer walk passed her when he left. Aaron and Spencer didn't know she was in the library, otherwise they wouldn't have started talking about stuff they didn't want Sawyer to hear, which means they MUST have been in the back corner of the library before Sawyer came in - doing what, I have no idea, since it didn't look like either of those two guys had a reason to be in the library in the first place. Basically, I suggest you either prove both guys had a real reason for being in the library and just happened to bump into each other and Sawyer heard them talking when she first entered the library herself, or choose a different location for Sawyer to overhear them. Also, why didn't she stop Spencer when he walked by and asked him what was going on?

He passed a hand through the blue ball....this doesn't sound smart. He has no idea what that blue ball is made out of. Sawyer DID burn Morgan earlier.
__________________________________________________________________
Review done by JM Robison, Fantasy Author https://www.jmrobison.com

*Dragon*My writing advice and suggestions come from 16 years of writing, 9 completed novels, and 4 published novels contracted with Tirgearr Publishing https://tirpub.com/jmrobison. But I am only one reader. Get advice from others as well, as they may feel differently. I don't know everything, after all. Take the advice you like and trash the rest. Only you can tell this story. Never stop writing.*Dragon*

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
What you wrote in BLACK
Suggestions, questions, and things I DON'T like in blue.
Things I LIKE in orange
STATIC comments in green that are neither a like or dislike and could be a general observation without any suggestion to change anything.
__________________________________________________________________
Sweat beaded on her ebony brow....I had been assuming this entire time her skin was white. If you stated in the beginning her skin was black, then it's my bad. If you didn't, I recommend mentioning that in the beginning.

Nevertheless, the duo continued to push, and the blockade gave way to a dark void inside....this image is not clear to me. If they are pushing the rock wall in, where did the tunnel come from? On the left? On the right? Did the wall SWING in to reveal the tunnel BEHIND it? Clarity needed.

and tell Star to meet him at the end of the trail....it's been a week since I read the last chapter, but when I read Star, I defaulted to that being one of the cosmic bad guys and I had a second thinking Warren was betraying them all. Then I remembered Star was his driver. Star isn't a normal name for a real person.

The others congregated around the table in the shape of a star....this visual is not clear to me. The table is round.

FINAL THOUGHTS: an overall good chapter. Well done.
__________________________________________________________________
Review done by JM Robison, Fantasy Author https://www.jmrobison.com

*Dragon*My writing advice and suggestions come from 16 years of writing, 9 completed novels, and 4 published novels contracted with Tirgearr Publishing https://tirpub.com/jmrobison. But I am only one reader. Get advice from others as well, as they may feel differently. I don't know everything, after all. Take the advice you like and trash the rest. Only you can tell this story. Never stop writing.*Dragon*

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
for entry "Chapter Three
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
What you wrote in BLACK
Suggestions, questions, and things I DON'T like in blue.
Things I LIKE in orange
STATIC comments in green that are neither a like or dislike and could be a general observation without any suggestion to change anything.
__________________________________________________________________

It's annoyingly coincidental that Sawyer is listening to a class on gods after her experience of last night. I'd feel much more at ease (and no more eye-rolling) if they were in math class.

And he was staring right at her...you say this, but then you stop and start a whole new section. Where did he go?

and Morgan walked in....*eyeroll* K, the run-ins with Morgan are happening too much. I get it. They don't like each other, amplified by the fact that, as I've already stated, is cliche. Do they HAVE to be in high school? Why not at their first job somewhere?

Before Sawyer could stop her, Morgan stuck her hands into the boiling stream...seriously, WFT? Why would she DO that? If I were Morgan, I'd freak out just by SEEING what was happening, and I'd leave, saying my prayers on the way out, never mind touching it for no reason.

Use words like "began" and "started to" as less as possible. They are more often than not redundant and clutter up sentences. Just say, "she ran."

I don't understand why Grayson would watch her and then run away from her. As long as there is a good reason for it, fine. But if not, it doesn't make sense.

She shined the flashlight on the ground and gasped. There, perfectly imprinted in the mud, was the paw print of a wolf....1) why does she need the flashlight function when you just said her power "illuminated" the mud? 2) how does she know it's a wolf print? I'm no expert on foot prints, so I'd rather assume it was a dog. Unless she's familiar with wolf prints, I'd assume she wouldn't know it was a wolf either. 3) if she can verify it is a wolf print, why the heck is she gasping when she sees it? Wolves live in the forest. It's a normal thing.

You have great writing style and a good story developing.
__________________________________________________________________
Review done by JM Robison, Fantasy Author https://www.jmrobison.com

*Dragon*My writing advice and suggestions come from 16 years of writing, 9 completed novels, and 4 published novels contracted with Tirgearr Publishing https://tirpub.com/jmrobison. But I am only one reader. Get advice from others as well, as they may feel differently. I don't know everything, after all. Take the advice you like and trash the rest. Only you can tell this story. Never stop writing.*Dragon*

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
for entry "Chapter Two
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
What you wrote in BLACK
Suggestions, questions, and things I DON'T like in blue.
Things I LIKE in orange
STATIC comments in green that are neither a like or dislike and could be a general observation without any suggestion to change anything.
__________________________________________________________________

Behind her, Jessica and Lacey snickered....this is really cliche, the whole "popular girl at school is enemy to main character at school and popular girl always has 1-2 sidekicks that laugh at all her dumb jokes." I've lost count of how many high-school themed books has this. Harry Potter. Another book I read. All the others I didn't read because it had this element. It's not wrong. Just cliche and me as a reader, I'm tired of it. It's not original....and the cheerleading vipers....and the girls are always cheerleaders *eyeroll*

It was almost midnight when Sawyer and Spencer finally made it to the park....since you set up the scene with Sawyer and Quinn having a fortune telling booth at this carnival, I was really expecting for you to then write out the carnival. If you're not going to use the carnival, I suggest not mentioning it at all. I write by the rule "use it or lose it."

A personal opinion, I feel the spell they found in a library book was too easy. I would have rather seen them have to hunt for it somewhere, like break into a museum for it.

and the Ultimate Power.....I would really like to know what this Ultimate Power actually is/does. Do they know? If not, why are they not asking themselves what it is?

The wind began to howl just as their combined hands started to glow.....I would expect a reaction here. I'd freak out if my hand started to glow.

FINAL COMMENT: Whoa! Nice ending! Gonna read on right now!
I really want to love this story, but I can't help but still feel I am reading book 2 instead of book one. Also, I'd expect more of a reaction with the wind and glowing lights. This isn't NORMAL for them - imagine if it was happening to you. I'd expect shock, disbelief that it's working, fear over wondering if they should continue. Heck, I would actually like it if they started it, saw it working, and both freaked out and stopped and went home, but after thinking it over all night, they decide to bit the bullet and try it again the next day, where the end result is still the same as here.

__________________________________________________________________
Review done by JM Robison, Fantasy Author https://www.jmrobison.com

*Dragon*My writing advice and suggestions come from 16 years of writing, 9 completed novels, and 4 published novels contracted with Tirgearr Publishing https://tirpub.com/jmrobison. But I am only one reader. Get advice from others as well, as they may feel differently. I don't know everything, after all. Take the advice you like and trash the rest. Only you can tell this story. Never stop writing.*Dragon*

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
What you wrote in BLACK
Suggestions, questions, and things I DON'T like in blue.
Things I LIKE in orange
STATIC comments in green that are neither a like or dislike and could be a general observation without any suggestion to change anything.
__________________________________________________________________

First, sorry it's taken me a while to get back to this. I'm finally settled down where the military is going to keep me for 5 months so I can now get back to reviewing.



Bian anxiously looked over her shoulder as she texted out, But what if we get caught trespassing?...is she sending the texts to both Rosa and jay?

Instead, the massive football star walked over to the oblivious student and tapped him on the shoulder.....if he's not going to take a picture of Warren, what's his motivation to approach him and tap him on his shoulder? What does he want?

she was chatting, whistling, or swinging around random branches and sticks she picked up along the way.....haha! This is SO me.

bespectacled friend, frizzy-haired girl, The athlete pointed.....it's good you're using these descriptors, but overuse is bad too. At this point, I feel they are overused.

Jay hissed at her talkative friend.....as a reader, I would much rather you use more names and less descriptors, saying "hissed at Rosa" instead.

extraditions your grandfather went on.”.....oh my gosh, I LOVE Rosa. She's my favorite. She's very realistic, because I often use the wrong word too.

the city had made some improvements since it was first erected.....if Grandpa's research was discredited, then why is the city still protecting the cave?

only on closer inspection would they find it had been torn asunder....this is not actually true. When he ripped the links apart, they would be bent out of shape with the broken points sticking out. Now, a clean cut with a bolt cutter would be better to conceal.

Cigarette butts, beer cans, and liquor bottles littered the floor....how long has this cave been blocked off? Are these old beer cans and butts? If Grandpa was so sure this cave held a secret, why didn't he clean it up or get the city to do it? If this garbage is fresh, how are people getting in?

FINAL THOUGHT: As much as I was hoping the cave would give Jay what she needed, I liked that it was ruined because it made it much more realistic and not what I expected, because I get bored with stories when I can accurately guess what's going to happen next.
_________________________________________________________________
Review done by JM Robison, Fantasy Author https://www.jmrobison.com

*Dragon*My writing advice and suggestions come from 16 years of writing, 9 completed novels, and 4 published novels contracted with Tirgearr Publishing https://tirpub.com/jmrobison. But I am only one reader. Get advice from others as well, as they may feel differently. I don't know everything, after all. Take the advice you like and trash the rest. Only you can tell this story. Never stop writing.*Dragon*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
20
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
What you wrote in BLACK
Suggestions (and things I DON'T like in blue)
Things I LIKE in orange
STATIC comments in green that are neither a like or dislike and could be a general observation without any suggestion to change anything.
__________________________________________________________________

even the best footage could not identify the horde.....about the footage, remember that a human is on ground holding the camera recording this horde, so where is the camera man positioned to get these shots because, surely, the camera man would be concerned for his safety too. Maybe the camera man stood in the street to "bravely record the horde" and then "the camera shook as the camera man ran for cover himself and continued to record as the horde marched passed him." Basically, don't forget the poor soul recording this terrifying scene and how his own terror might reflect in the camera footage now showed on TV.

"I once ruled every inch of this planet--all the birds in the sky, beasts on the land, and fish in the sea bowed to my rule.....what about humans? Where did the humans come from, then? If humans were also alive during Lord Cosmic's time, I'm certain he'd remind them all of it.

and, were it not for the fickle winds of fate....I hope this is described in greater detail, because right now I don't see any reason why this robotic race even left earth if they were so great. Other questions I'm left with but I'm sure you'll answer at some point: where has Lord Cosmic been this whole time? Where has his army been? Did they leave earth? If so, why did they come back? What is it about Earth that they want, or rather DON'T want? Why do they want to destroy it if Lord Cosmic was once the god of it? Why does he want to destroy everything he created? Is he just trying to wipe out the humans so he can rule the earth once more?

whatever's going on halfway across the world shouldn't affect your first day of high school!".....this feels very uncharacteristic of the situation. Comsic just showed a picture of glowing spheres all over the world and said he'd been seeding his soldiers all over, so I find it more characteristic that school would be cancelled so kids could go home and prepare for whatever comes next. Doesn't Kilpatrick have a family of her own to be concerned over? Or is she really a die-hard school attendance addict?

I really appreciated seeing the POV go to the robotic army and Cosmic. It's makes them more real seeing the world as they see it, for a moment.


I still hope to discover why they hate the world so badly.

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Review done by JM Robison, Fantasy Author https://www.jmrobison.com

*Dragon*My writing advice and suggestions come from 16 years of writing, 9 completed novels, and 4 published novels contracted with Tirgearr Publishing https://tirpub.com/jmrobison. But I am only one reader. Get advice from others as well, as they may feel differently. I don't know everything, after all. Take the advice you like and trash the rest. Only you can tell this story. Never stop writing.*Dragon*

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21
21
for entry "Chapter One
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (3.0)
What you wrote in BLACK
Suggestions (and things I DON'T like in blue)
Things I LIKE in orange
STATIC comments in green that are neither a like or dislike and could be a general observation without any suggestion to change anything.
__________________________________________________________________

Sometimes the visions hit her out of nowhere....I'm starting to feel as if I'm reading book two instead of book one, because I feel like I should already know what the references to "magical world" and "the only way to see her father again" mean. It's got my mind scrambled a bit and leaving me a little anxious because I think I've missed something. I guess I liked to be eased into things more often than slammed into them.



Morgan hadn’t gone far when she spotted Sawyer and the two girls locked eyes.....is Sawyer still laying on the ground? I didn't see her sit up yet.

“But he did say something about the Tuatha de Danann?.....I never heard Shane mention the Tuatha de Danann.

Sometimes, she would swear he was more human than feline......maybe this is Shane.

OVERALL:
I definitely feel like I should know more than I do with all these references about fey the characters have apparently already met before. I feel this chapter was more like chapter 10 instead of chapter 1 for all the plot points in it. If this book were in print I'd be looking to see if there was a book that came before it because there is far too much stuff that has happened before this chapter that I feel I should already know. It's leaving me highly frustrated. I know nothing about Sawyer, her lifestyle, her personality, her world, and I'm already being sunk into magic and fey and events the characters have experienced without me. As a reader with one set of opinions, I would rather be eased into all this and not treated like I should know events already passed. Otherwise, the story appears engaging and you have good writing style.

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Review done by JM Robison, Fantasy Author https://www.jmrobison.com

*Dragon*My writing advice and suggestions come from 16 years of writing, 9 completed novels, and 4 published novels contracted with Tirgearr Publishing https://tirpub.com/jmrobison. But I am only one reader. Get advice from others as well, as they may feel differently. I don't know everything, after all. Take the advice you like and trash the rest. Only you can tell this story. Never stop writing.*Dragon*

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22
22
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
What you wrote in BLACK
Suggestions (and things I DON'T like in blue)
Things I LIKE in orange
STATIC comments in green that are neither a like or dislike and could be a general observation without any suggestion to change anything.
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Thus, her summer passed by in a malaise so strong, no amount of hot dogs, pool time, or summer reading could cure it......love this line.

Bian was the only person that.....the only person "WHO". People are people, not things, so you use "WHO" when referring to people, not "that".

The funny thing was that Bian was extremely talkative...(everything in between)...the young scholar would ask, "How?"......this paragraph was all background stuff that bored me. Since we are going to meet Bian anyway, why not SHOW the reader Bian fidgeting, her cheeks turning pink? That is much more interesting and doesn't gum down the chapter with backstory detail lumped together in a dry paragraph.

Jay's mother glanced to the side as her daughter conversed with her friend, amazed at how....this sentence breaks POV. Generally, you should stick with one POV per chapter, otherwise the reader gets confused. Right now, we are in Jay's POV but you broke it to show us mom's POV. Unless you were intentionally trying for Omniscient POV? Which is, of course, allowable.

Your characters are all unique with distinctive personalities.

this will be my first year with South Bell....if this is her first year, how did Jay know her name when they first entered the classroom? Nothing in a chapter happens except how the character perceives it, and right now we are in Jay's POV.

Wow! What a great ending to the chapter! You story is so far coming along very nicely and is keeping me engaged. Don't pay attention to the rating. It won't let me move on without giving one.

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Review done by JM Robison, Fantasy Author https://www.jmrobison.com

*Dragon*My writing advice and suggestions come from 16 years of writing, 9 completed novels, and 4 published novels contracted with Tirgearr Publishing https://tirpub.com/jmrobison. But I am only one reader. Get advice from others as well, as they may feel differently. I don't know everything, after all. Take the advice you like and trash the rest. Only you can tell this story. Never stop writing.*Dragon*

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23
23
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (3.0)
What you wrote in BLACK
Suggestions (and things I DON'T like in blue)
Things I LIKE in orange
STATIC comments in green that are neither a like or dislike and could be a general observation without any suggestion to change anything.
__________________________________________________________________

Not a fan of the first paragraph. It’s supposed to hook me but instead I was given descriptions of people and clothing. It did not interest me.

I feel there is a weird hole here, where, “it was rare when they found even a slight hint of Primogenitor society.” So if that is the case, how do they know about the technological advancements, like the flying car, if nothing remains to prove these advancements existed? How then does her grandfather know so much about them but barely have the evidence to support any of it?

The way Jay thinks and process information feels like it should be coming from a 12 year old, not six. I feel six years is too young for a girl to know what a Grant is and who is giving the grant, or even what credentials are. It’s fine that she’s smart, but be careful because if you make her too smart, the inevitability starts to go down.

...using them to do all sorts of things: open doors, operate machinery, and even work miracles; the possibilities seemed endless. The only problem was that we could never find what the key was for, which might be the second biggest regret in my career."……confusing. He literally said what the keys were used for and then said he didn’t know what they were used for.

OVERALL: You have good writing style. It held emotions and engaged me. This prologue also engaged me. It was interesting and I felt it held vital purpose to the story and wasn't a dreaded "info dump". Well done. This is a first draft, so for your next draft I suggest tightening up your sentences (try avoiding "was" words since it's passive writing.) Also, do you intend to publish this story? If so, do you want self or traditional publication? Or are you just writing it for fun? By the way, apparently I HAVE to rate it, so I'll give a three every time since it's good but it still needs work.


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Review done by JM Robison, Fantasy Author https://www.jmrobison.com

*Dragon*My writing advice and suggestions come from 16 years of writing, 9 completed novels, and 4 published novels contracted with Tirgearr Publishing https://tirpub.com/jmrobison. But I am only one reader. Get advice from others as well, as they may feel differently. I don't know everything, after all. Take the advice you like and trash the rest. Only you can tell this story. Never stop writing.*Dragon*

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24
24
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
What you wrote in BLACK
Suggestions (and things I DON'T like in blue)
Things I LIKE in orange
STATIC comments in green that are neither a like or dislike and could be a general observation without any suggestion to change anything.
_____________________________________________________________________________

and I had a king-sized bed stationed in the corner... how did they get a king sized bed through the small attic entrance? I've seen pictures and they look very very narrow.

The small lettering and red font is VERY hard on the eyes. I suggest making it black and larger.

OVERALL: An interesting story! Unexpected twists. You have a good writing style which, if it were stretched out and slowed down for a novel, would be BRILLIANT I believe.I saw some grammar issues but nothing serious.
Thanks for the fun read!

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I am the soon-to-be author of THE WAR QUEEN, a new adult fantasy romance. You can track my publishing progress here: https://twitter.com/JMRobison and I help emerging writers get better at writing and finding publication here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/608577589306606/

*Dragon*My writing advice and suggestions come from 16 years, 7 completed novels, 2 full manuscript requests, and a publishing contract. But I am only one reader. Get advice from others as well. Take the advice you like and trash the rest. Never stop writing.*Dragon*


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25
25
Review by JMRobison
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This was awesome! Thanks for the laugh!
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