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26
26
Review by JMRobison
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This was awesome! Thanks for the laugh!
27
27
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
What you wrote in BLACK
Suggestions (and things I DON'T like in blue)
Things I LIKE in orange
STATIC comments in green that are neither a like or dislike and could be a general observation without any suggestion to change anything.
Also note that if I ask a question, it means the passage was not clear and it made me have questions. I don't want the answer to the questions. I am merely pointing out that the passage should be made clearer so there are no questions.

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Family members can use social networking sites to talk to each other for example parents can use this a way into what... this is in the 3rd to last paragraph near the bottom. I believe you are missing some words and some punctuation. It should read: "Family members can use social networking sites to talk to each other(.) (F)or example(,) parents can use this (to see) what teenagers are reading and experiencing..."

skills as teenagers got use to “text message language”... Should be: "skills as teenagers got use(d) to “text message language”.


Beside all these, using too... should be: "Beside(s) all these..."

OVERALL: A good post. Since I am 29 years old, I'm happy to see at least one teenager seeing the damage social media is causing your generation. It flows well and held my interest. Well done. I hope my suggestions helped.

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I help writers get better at writing and I point them in the right direction if they are seeking publication. I can even help you write a successful query letter. Find me here:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/608577589306606/

*Dragon*My writing advice and suggestions come from 16 years, 7 completed novels, 2 full manuscript requests, and a publishing contract. But I am only one reader. Get advice from others as well. Take the advice you like and trash the rest. Never stop writing.*Dragon*

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
28
28
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: ASR | (2.0)
What you wrote in BLACK
Suggestions (and things I DON'T like in blue)
Things I LIKE in orange
STATIC comments in green that are neither a like or dislike and could be a general observation without any suggestion to change anything.
Also note that if I ask a question, it means the passage was not clear and it made me have questions. I don't want the answer to the questions. I am merely pointing out that the passage should be made clearer so there are no questions.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Brett was glad that he was going to have company this trip. At the last minute; Alex had decided to take him up on his offer... be brief, be brilliant, be gone, my commander used to say. This sentence can be made a lot cleaner, neater, and shorter if you take out as many "was, were, that, had" words as possible. As long as the sentence still stand without them, you don't need them. Try my version of this sentence: "Brett brightened when Alex decided, last minute, to join him on this trip."

Remind me why the Beast has to be so high... I don't know what the Beast is. The next passage still didn't clarify it.

Brett reached up and grabbed the driver’s door handle... remember my, be brief, be brilliant, be gone mantra? Will the sentence still stand if you took out "reached up"? Brett grabbed the driver’s door handle.


The sand had imprinted his face with character; he had earned it... I like this.

I would recommend changing Alex's name to something a little more feminine. As is, I keep thinking she is Brett because they are both guy names. It would be fine if this was a novel because I'd have longer to come cool with the fact she's named Alex. But a short story goes by so quick that it doesn't sink in very deep for me.

When he was done, the groceries were the only items left, and they were behind Alex. He decided that he could wait until she woke up... I don't know why he'd wait. He just said he wouldn't be able to wake her even if he tried.

He decided that he could wait until she woke up. The camp chair had molded to his shape over the years... what does the camp chair have to do with anything? It sounds really random here.


There are no dialogue tags in the following dialogue to tell me who is saying what and I got confused.

he walked through cactus and sagebrush... saying "through" makes me think he literally walked through a cactus. OUCH! Better to say "among" or something.


raised, stretched Hearse and... this is confusing. Stretched hearse?

He intered his cargo deep and returned to camp for dinner, and to ask Alex to join him this evening.... hmmm. He's going to kill her.


So the camp and fire-pit are two different areas? I'm confused on the locations and where your characters are at. There's a table there? What kind of table with it? You said the camp ground/fire pit was a mile from the house. Did they carry the table or was it already there?

You could see Mom’s light and... her own light?... I don't know what you mean by their "light".

“You startled me. Yes, I do. I think. Why?”... Better to SHOW she's startled than to say it. She flinched, startled. "Yes I do. I think. Why?" And why would she "think" she likes them? I don't think it's too hard to figure out whether she does or not.

The flames started to reach up and out of the pit... the flames don't have to "start" to reach up. The flames can just reach up and out of the pit.

“I do. I don’t know how, but I do.”... This is not believable. How can she know without knowing?

“I have continued to inter all of our customers in the prescribed manner, even Mom and Dad... I have no idea what this says. What customers? For what?

Holy crap, the ending confused me. I have NO idea what this light or shades are and everyone showing up to dance is awkward and unclear. I don't know what the family business is. I got the impression Brett was going to kill Alex. At the gas station, the cashier was asking about the beast but Brett never described it. Why was she interested in it? Why was the question never finished when people asked about it? I thought we were going to find out later but we never did. Bad loose end.

OVERALL: Mostly what I just said. I was confused in several places as far as the scenery went. Lacking dialogue tags made it hard to know who was saying what. Alex's conversations were mostly awkward and did not sound natural. I couldn't even tell you what the story was about. The sentence structure did not flow in most areas.


_____________________________________________________________________________
I help writers get better at writing and I point them in the right direction if they are seeking publication. I can even help you write a successful query letter. Find me here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/608577589306606/

*Dragon*My writing advice and suggestions come from 16 years, 7 completed novels, 2 full manuscript requests, and a publishing contract. But I am only one reader. Get advice from others as well. Take the advice you like and trash the rest. Never stop writing.*Dragon*

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
29
29
Review of Lost and Found  
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
What you wrote in BLACK
Suggestions (and things I DON'T like in blue)
Things I LIKE in orange
STATIC comments in green that are neither a like or dislike and could be a general observation without any suggestion to change anything.

_________________________________________________________________________

The bike lay in the middle of the bridleway... I feel there is a stronger word for "lay". I use action words sometimes. Try, "slumped" or something.

The owner was nowhere in sight... I feel this sentence could be made better by taking out "was". I think you can get away with that because you already have a short sentence so certain rules can be bent. Like this: The owner nowhere in sight. As long as the meaning of the sentence does not change, take out the words that don't hold weight.

Despite my last two comments, I really like your opening sentence.

It hadn’t been there an hour before when Jo had walked past on her way to the reservoir... in fiction writing, do what you can to take out as many "was, were, had, that" words. They are all passive words and most of the time they are just excess baggage you don't need. Here is your same sentence with "had" removed: It hadn’t been there an hour before when Jo walked past on her way to the reservoir. See? You didn't need the word. I bet you can't even tell where the word had been :)

beyond that, the trees and moss consumed the valley with their earthy stench... Really nice imagery.

eleven mournful chimes... this puts the reader in a mood that fits the story so far. Good.

Her feet started to move of their own accord: towards the noise with a magnetic pull of curiosity... moving toward the creepy sound is the most cliché part of every horror film. It's bad to be cliché. And I don't believe the excuse "her feet moved of their own accord" bit. It's dark outside. She is along. She just found an abandoned bike. Now she hears a sound. Realistically, I'd be scared. I would move away from the sound down the trail and hide so I could still figure out what the sound was while being safe about it.


Now, she sensed danger but her feet continued to take her towards it. This was madness... I REALLY don't believe this. Her feet can only move if she tells her brain to move them. They simply don't move on their own. She has to have a more realistic reason to investigate the noise. I've heard lots of noises while I'm out and about by myself, and I have NEVER gone to investigate them. I've never blamed that excuse on my feet, either.

Perhaps the thud had been a twig falling... twigs don't make "thud" sounds. Branches do.

Blood soaked into the ground: a careless offering to nature... this whole description was good but I especially liked this line.

There was the sound of a twig breaking... breaking twigs are really cliché in writing anymore because EVERYONE uses them. I'd like "heavy panting" better, or "a soft exhale of air behind her head" or SOMETHING unique.

OVERALL: I'm not impressed with the ending. It has no substance, no satisfaction for the reader to linger on and ponder a moment the savor of beautiful things. I wasn't even bothered that it ended so harshly. I was just like, "bummer. I guess she died." There are unanswered questions. Why was this murderer out to kill random people? The girl on the bike, Jo... there needs to be some motive otherwise it makes the bad guy unbelievable. I really don't like how Jo blamed her feet for moving her toward the creepy noise. Think about a realistic person in the same situation. In fact, go for a walk by yourself in the dark and see how you feel about investigating dull thuds you can't identify.

You have a pretty good handle on your writing style. It got my heart racing when Jo found the dead girl. Good descriptions there.


I help writers get better at writing and I point them in the right direction if they are seeking publication. I can even help you write a successful query letter. Find me here:

_________________________________________________________________________
*Dragon*My writing advice and suggestions come from 16 years, 7 completed novels, 2 full manuscript requests, and a publishing contract. But I am only one reader. Get advice from others as well. Take the advice you like and trash the rest. Never stop writing.*Dragon*

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
30
30
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
What you wrote in BLACK
Suggestions (and things I DON'T like in blue)
Things I LIKE in orange
STATIC comments in green that are neither a like or dislike and could be a general observation without any suggestion to change anything.
_________________________________________________________________________

It seems that we never slow down... in good writing, you'll want to take out as many "that" words as possible. You don't need that word most of the time and it slows down the writing. Try the sentence without it: It seems we never slow down. If the meaning of the sentence does not change when you omit words, then you didn't need them in the first place.


I like the surprise ending. It's up to interpretation, really. Is he really an ant or is he a metaphorical ant?

The beginning was rather heavy on narrative and unanswered questions and I kept wanting to get to the point.

Otherwise an interesting read and I really liked the ending.

I help emerging writers get better at writing, answer publication questions, and help with writing query letters and pitching agents. If you are interested, you can join my facebook page here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/608577589306606/

_________________________________________________________________________
*Dragon*My writing advice and suggestions come from 16 years, 7 completed novels, 2 full manuscript requests, and a publishing contract. But I am only one reader. Get advice from others as well. Take the advice you like and trash the rest. Never stop writing.*Dragon*
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
31
31
Review of The new world.  
Review by JMRobison
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow. This was great!
32
32
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (3.0)
What you wrote in BLACK
Suggestions in BLUE
Things I like in ORANGE
Static comments in GREEN(It may be a suggestion. It may not. Usually applies to just my thoughts but is not necessarily a hard and fast grammar rule. Also just random comments that don't fit in the other two colors.)
*Books4* I do not claim to be a professional. I am working toward being a published author. I have been writing for 16 years and have learned a lot though I am STILL learning. I will be courteous but honest. With that said, here is my review: *Books4*
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But at 1 type of death... I believe spelling the word "one" out would look better for formatting.


Eviller even than the smooth shibboleth... I am definitely not in favor of the word "eviler". It sounds really choppy and breaks up the flow. You could try "more wicked" which still keeps with 3 syllables if that was the goal.

Eviller even than the smooth shibboleth
of the god of lithe tongue, the serpentine Seth... I can't get a grip on what this means *Confused*

Push my heart and my mind down a sizable hole... You could do without the second "my". It flows better without it.

for die that day did both a Wife and a Mother... try this instead "for die that day did both Wife and Mother." Without the "a" it flows better.

my Hope and my Faith did that hole's darkness smother... do without the second "my".

and all I could do was to blither and bluther...try it without the "to".

That pit the epitome of a wholly black hole.
That something so holy was so swallowed up whole... "wholly", "hole", "holy", and "whole" are fighting badly with each other. It is a mouthful and does not flow at all. Maybe "endless black pit, that something so pure was swallowed up whole"?

Then forth from the darkness... "forth" and "from" almost sound repetitive. They could really mean the same thing.

that it broke the thick veil of the heavy black night... good line. It flows well and I could feel the weight of the veil lifting.

Said she to me, my beloved Grandmother,
"Command be still that frantic heart of yours, Brother,
"still it is yours;... I can't figure out who is talking or who this person is talking to. The brother or the grandmother? Or is the speaker the grandmother? Then who is the brother?

OVERALL: I mentioned where it did not flow, so I won't go over them again. You have a good grip on rhyme and diction, so good job there. After reading the last stanza, I can't place the dark feelings in the first stanza, because the second stanza is pretty cheerful so it feels like it clashes especially when I don't see why there was so much darkness in the first one. The dialogue at the end really confused me, because I didn't know who was speaking or who they were speaking too. To me it sounds like someone who is loved is dying and they are imparting hopeful words to those around them.

*Dragon*Thank you for letting me read your writing. I love to read fellow writers so I can continue to learn and impart what I have learned. However, it is totally up to you if you take or leave my advice, because the only one who can write your story is you. But most important... NEVER STOP WRITING!*Dragon*
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
33
33
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
What you wrote in BLACK
Suggestions in BLUE
Things I like in ORANGE
Static comments in GREEN(It may be a suggestion. It may not. Usually applies to just my thoughts but is not necessarily a hard and fast grammar rule. Also just random comments that don't fit in the other two colors.)
*Books4* I do not claim to be a professional. I am working toward being a published author. I have been writing for 16 years and have learned a lot though I am STILL learning. I will be courteous but honest. With that said, here is my review: *Books4*
_________________________________________________________________________

It was a cold night... lucky you, I'm picking at your first words *BigSmile*. I am going to share with you a secret that a fellow reviewer shared with me and it is thus: take out as man "was" and "were" words as possible. Why? Because using "was" and "were" are lazy words when you don't want to put forth the effort into being more original or creative. Here is an example: I had this line, "Her eyes were sympathetic." I changed it to, "Her eyes offered bandages." Better? Yes. Now yours: "It was a cold night." How about, "The cold night caressed my skin with every flake of snow..." So much more DEEP and REAL.

It was a cold night the snow a... (everything in between)...as I run through it laughing even harder than before... there are some present/past tense confusions here (using "run" instead of "ran") so I cannot tell if this is present or past tense. You've got to pick one and stick with it.

the snow a radiant blue beneath the light of the full moon... good imagery.

to seem detracted... DETRACTED: diminish the worth or value of (a quality or achievement). Is that the word you meant to use?

he portended to be a dog... PORTENDED: be a sign or warning that (something, especially something momentous or calamitous) is likely to happen. I don't think that is the word you want.

I’m the eldest, my name is William... (everything in between)... no more than four moves on average... since this story has yet to hook me, I find this paragraph to be especially lack-luster. It would be much more lively if this were done in conversation between his mother/father or someone. "Hey, William, how was school?" "Well, did I tell you I was the first student to beat the the student council president in..." Or just leave out this piece of background until it becomes more relevant later on in the story.

last time I would see my parents alive... I am not a fan of foreshadowing. It ruins the suspense for me and leaves me already disappointed before the book already starts.

“Panta annon,” an assassin whispered... since this chapter is in Williamn's POV, then there is no way he can know what the assassin's are saying, or to even know that they are there. Everything must be reported ONLY by how William sees it.

All of them, disliked the fact that they had to kill children but the money was too good, way to good and only a fool would turn it down they reasoned... and there is NO WAY William can see into their thoughts, either. I know you are trying to build suspense here, but I'm not feeling it because of the POV conflict.

The only disturbance was a small draft as the door was opened, subtle but not enough to convey a state of emergency... now I want to know why these people didn't lock their door, since locking doors is a natural human thing to do when one goes to bed.

“Panta annon,” an assassin whispered...(everything in between)...filling the house without the resisted being aware of their misfortune... this paragraph is massive. Break it up for ease of reading.

The assassins quietly rested their victims... weren't the parents already on the couch? I didn't see them stand up.

along with a sense of black mist filling the house without the resisted being aware of their misfortune... I have no idea what this is saying. Confused *Confused*

William woke up in a cold sweat... a triff cliche. Cliche things ruin originality.

the fear that struck him was as unreal as the uneasy feeling he had; now gripped him again with a renewed strength... this does not flow well. I have a hard time trying to figure out what it is saying. Also, you are writing in first POV (My) but here you slipped into third POV (He).

He didn't know why but he couldn't move... you can't say this and not give a reason why he can't move, because he is suddenly allowed to move later. Things HAVE to have a reason for them to happen. It loses credibility for the character if they don't have explanations to the obvious.

William knew without knowing how what happened... then he doesn't know. If he didn't see it happening, then he CAN'T know. And just saying "he knew but didn't know how he knew" lacks believability and Willaim loses credit as a character in my eyes.

the assassins wouldn’t let him, live... you keep putting commas in weird places where they don't belong.

only one chores of action... you meant "course" I believe. There are multiple words here that are spelt correctly but the usage is wrong.

The assassin lunged aware his presents was known and swung his sword at his pray... missing punctuation, I don't know what "was known" means, and you want "prey" instead of "pray. There are other sentences just like this one. A slow read through and you'll be able to spot them.

William snatched his wand off his bed... now I hear echoes of "Harry Potter". Gifted young sorcerer, parents murdered, wands... Purhapes I'm speculating too soon. Just thought I'd point it out now because this is where I got that feeling.

As he did so he felt a surge of power, however there was no time to question why he felt this power... maybe because he is a sorcerer?

he summoned his sword... what happened to his wand?

the assassin had made a full wing... he sprouted wings?

his blood intent burning in his eyes... the intent of his blood is burning in his eyes.

William screamed the assassin wasn’t expecting the strike though surprised... this is heavy with punctuation errors. It should read like this: William screamed. The assassin wasn’t expecting the strike though, surprised, he managed...

had been just moments before and through the stones fire place, landing on the kitchen floor... missing punctuation. And it sounds like William threw him through the STONE fireplace?????? HOW?

the hallway that was to continue first by Elizabeth bedroom then Akihiro’s was gone... the hallways was gone? This is really hard to read.

William was crying now anger and sorrow swirled together... good line.

Why is there blood?!!!... never use more than one punctuation at once. Either one ? or one ! will do fine.

power without the summoning of a familiar... no idea what a familiar is.

William ran into the warm but rapidly cooling blood... Seriously? Ran INTO blood?

with the haunted expression of one who has seen too much... BEAUTIFUL line.
William head was... should be "William'S". This is not the first place I have seen this mistake.

It was a frosted move... What kind of move?

then ran back into the house to his dead parents and to the key... isn't the house on fire?

So, he picked them both up holding them close as he opened the portal to a place... what does the portal look like? How does the key open it?

William heard himself say as cold as the night he had just left... Good line.


FINAL COMMENT: So I didn't read the whole thing. I stopped at this point because everything up to this point was so fraught with incorrect word usage errors (pray instead of prey), punctuation in the wrong spot or no punctuation at all, confusing things like "he ran into the warm blood" and I have no idea what to picture in my head, multiple past/present verb confusions as well as a bouncing back and forth between 1st POV and 3rd POV so I couldn't tell if you are telling the story in present "she walks toward me and reaches out her hand" or past "she walked toward me and reached out her hand," that I was REALLY confused and frustrated because it was hard to read so I just stopped. I am very sorry. A few errors here and there are fine, but there are SO MANY that it made reading/understanding really really hard and I didn't want to deal with it anymore. However, once you get those issues cleaned up then I will be more than happy to give it another go.


*Dragon*Thank you for letting me read your writing. I love to read fellow writers so I can continue to learn and impart what I have learned. However, it is totally up to you if you take or leave my advice, because the only one who can write your story is you. But most important... NEVER STOP WRITING!*Dragon*
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
34
34
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
What you wrote in BLACK
Suggestions in BLUE
Things I like in ORANGE
Static comments in GREEN(It may be a suggestion. It may not. Usually applies to just my thoughts but is not necessarily a hard and fast grammar rule. Also just random comments that don't fit in the other two colors.)
*Books4* I do not claim to be a professional. I am working toward being a published author. I have been writing for 16 years and have learned a lot though I am STILL learning. I will be courteous but honest. With that said, here is my review: *Books4*
_________________________________________________________________________

All were either too scared to come forth and tell the King’s Inquisitors what they had seen or they had sense enough to maintain obscurity... maintain obscurity. I know this feeling :)

I found I got bored with the heavy descriptions and background stories for the three characters in the tavern at the beginning. Interesting, but I felt it slogged down the pace of the story. Right now, as a reader, I want to start biting into the meat of the story. Descriptors (hair, eye color) can be spelled out in other places, like between bits of dialogue ("I washed my clothes by hand," she said as she fluttered green eyes. "The tomato soup was terrible.) It doesn't slow anything down but you still get to tell us what color her eyes are.

Talina had witnessed the affair in the exercise yard... (everything in between)... before she could reach the exercise field... I feel this could have been written in real time in the chapter of which it happened. Here it just remains as - though interesting - boring backstory.

Sean had been on guard duty on the south wall... (everything in between)...Analia had spoiled the plans... same here.

but they had been raised in a rough society that did not exactly exhibit the ideal pinnacle of justice... good line.

The clientele were mostly from the school as they were ordered to avoid the patrons at The Naked Gander... when I read this line, I thought they WERE in the Naked Gander. I went back and read that they are just a few blocks from it. Better to give this tavern a name fore easier readability.

Dezmond bellowed with his parade ground roar... like the subtle military reference. Even if I were not military, I still have a very good idea what this might sound like:)

I like the description of the hustle out of the tavern and everything leading up to the formation.

Over the past span of time he had been improving... (everything in between)... the side of his father and his two older brothers... I was really enjoying the read and then I got bogged down with this bit of information. Best to cover all of this information in earlier chapters (but be careful not to fall into the "info dump" trap) or spread it out throughout the book. Once you get characters reading scenes of suspense, you don't want to stop that flow by information like this.

Pieter also knew that Pemberton... (everything in between)... to be more like, Pieter Schermon... a touch cliche, I feel, the typical "bad kid" who has two minions always at his side who hates the "good kid." It's okay to have this, just make sure Pemberton hates Pieter with purpose and reason, and not because he's "jealous". Jealousy feels to me like a weak reason to hate someone so aggressively. Plus, hating someone because you are jealous IS cliche. This relationship here gives me a Harry Potter vs. Draco Malfoy feel.

camp chairs... now I have a visual of various colored chairs of canvas that you can fold up and stuff into bags. I don't think you meant that image?

leaned over a large table covered with a huge map... a tidbit I will pass on, I have used "upside down wagon beds" for hasty field tables before when soldiers have marched to battle, because carrying around a table would likely be a nuisance.

Your traitor of a father is dead. Remove him from my presence!”... oh. Okay. Well, who was the one who beckoned Pieter into the tent, then? And sounds like someone didn't do their job at informing the heir of Sir Schermon that his father was dead so Pieter could be excused from school to go home and take care of other matters and such.
“Take him to the castle dungeons where he belongs.”... I'm having a hard time following the relatability with this scene. It sounds unrealistic that no one informed Pieter of his dead father (and him being a knight, I would expect a little more formality to that notice.) Further, not sure why Pieter is being arrested. I know you are trying to build suspense in this dialogue but because I still have answers, it feels disjointed to me. And saying, "Take him to the castle dungeons where he belongs" sounds a tad cliche. Like in almost every movie that features a dungeon and bad guys.

FINAL COMMENT: I REALLY want to know why Pieter was not notified of his father's death sooner and in a more formal matter as is fitting for a knight. Doesn't the knight's coat of arms and armor and sword and stuff get sent to his heir upon his death? I also don't know why he is getting arrested, and having the character have no idea either is not satisfying to the reader. I was stuck on these questions so I couldn't feel the suspense involved with Pieter. He was also waved into the tent by a knight. Who waved him in? Kind of random.

The story is moving along at a nice pace. Despite being bothered with these unanswered questions about Pieter, I AM looking forward to how his visit in the dungeon goes and how his story connects with Analia who is still with the bird people.


*Dragon*Thank you for letting me read your writing. I love to read fellow writers so I can continue to learn and impart what I have learned. However, it is totally up to you if you take or leave my advice, because the only one who can write your story is you. But most important... NEVER STOP WRITING!*Dragon*
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
35
35
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
What you wrote in BLACK
Suggestions in BLUE
Things I like in ORANGE
Static comments in GREEN(It may be a suggestion. It may not. Usually applies to just my thoughts but is not necessarily a hard and fast grammar rule. Also just random comments that don't fit in the other two colors.)
*Books4* I do not claim to be a professional. I am working toward being a published author. I have been writing for 16 years and have learned a lot though I am STILL learning. I will be courteous but honest. With that said, here is my review: *Books4*
_________________________________________________________________________

When they had left they could see a slender thread of smoke coming from the entrance. There was no sign of smoke... This confuses me. They saw smoke and didn't see smoke? did you mean: When they had left they could see a slender thread of smoke coming from the entrance. BUT NOW there was no sign of smoke...?

He could not have left on his own and had apparently been abducted without his consent... this is certainly a lot to assume. He could, in all reality, gone willingly. How does she know?

bitter tears frosting up on her cheeks... a good line.

"You speak, Mighty Dragon," she humbly said. “How can I hear your words without hearing you?... according to your first chapters, she has been with this dragon 2 years or so? And she is JUST NOW figuring out he can speak? Odd.

cat got your tongue?"... it is generally better not to have any modern cliche's in a made up story. You can, however, create your own cliches that your characters may use. Doing this will help define a more detailed society for your characters to. Instead, you could say something like, "What's the matter, the Reaper chopped off your tongue?" and the Reaper could be a fictional symbol for your characters that they use to scar children, as an example.

most of the females are not only scaredy cats, many are as dumb as a bag of rocks... I would think Analia might take offense at this.

“Why have you not communicated to me or other humans before now?”... aha! HERE is my answer. You might want to allude to the fact before this line that him speaking to her was an oddity, like: A thought from the dragon entered her mind. She was shocked at first, BECAUSE, DESPITE KNOWING THE DRAGON FOR THIS LONG, SHE WAS NOT AWARE THE DRAGON COULD COMMUNICATE. Or something like that. Obviously you will do a better job than I did.

"let's haul ass,"... I would suggest developing some sort of "dragon dialect" that separates how the dragon speaks from how humans speaks just to give your character's different layers and a unique distinction that separates them. Such as, as you will find when you read further into The Last Wizard, my wizard speaks a form of Old English throughout the entire book, so even when he is speaking and I don't use any speech tags, you still know it is him.

She decided against taking the heavy chain mail, after all, she had no plans of going into battle... the very reason you prepare for battle is because you don't expect it. Now I'm certain she's going to battle. Because she's not expecting it.

“Whiff, it’s my private thoughts you’re reading!” Analia angrily stated... no need for you to state that she said this angrily. I understood as much from the dialogue by itself.

analiticary... I googled this word and could not find a definition *Frown*

“Shall we go hunting for cabbages and kings?” she asked... I like this line.

They soon landed in a cleared field mostly hidden by a copse of thick evergreens... so is this a "cleared field" or is it "mostly hidden by a copse of trees"?

knew her system could tolerate it... I think the word "stomach" instead of "system" fits better with the setting of your story.

“While you were in the village looking for a medicine man, I filled my gut to the brim. I am particularly fond of cabbage, it’s my favorite food.”... so dragon teeth would not be pointed, but flat so they could chew the fruits and vegetables?

I’ve often had the urge to join them, and would have soon done so had you not suddenly showed up.”... why would her showing up make a difference to his decision to join his family? Why was he even in the rook in the first place?

Before Whiff could finish his thought, the buzzing sound of crossbow bolts sizzled in the cold air around them... I like this line. I especially like the use of your word "sizzled."

They’re shooting at us!” Analia yelled.
“How’d you guess?” Whiff sarcastically thought. “You think maybe... you don't always need speech tags. As long as it is clear who is talking, then you don't need one. I think these lines read smoother and hold more tension without speech tags. The use of an exclamation mark already constitutes that the line was yelled, so saying she yelled is repetitive. Try this:
They’re shooting at us!”
“How’d you guess? You think maybe..."


Before Analia could form a questioning reply... to me this says, "before she could ask a question," and that strikes me as odd. Why would she need to ask a question?

The nearest riders had pulled composite bows from their saddle sheaths and drawn them to the hilt... compound bows? Do your characters have the technology for this kind of bow? Totally fine if they do, it's just that right now I'm in "Medieval Setting" mode and so to see a compound bow is kind of a shock to me and doesn't feel right. Once you get the setting established in the beginning, then this issue for me will go away. Also, I shoot a bow and I don't know what "drawing them to the hilt" means. Maybe they pulled back and anchored the string against their cheek?

“Don’t do anything stupid, Little Lady,”... I wasn't aware she was going to do anything stupid. I don't even think she could, being weaponless and in the air, minus throwing herself from the saddle, but I doubt she was considering that.

especially since you left your chainmail back in the cave... I called it!

I usually roast their feathers off but I can’t take the chance with you unarmored.”... how would him doing that effect her? As long as she stays behind his fire I would assume she would be okay.

Dragon wasn’t exactly the name that was used, but the mental picture was clear and it was not a flattering one... nice line.

I like the dialogue between the Valkri, Wiff, and Analia. However, while this is going down, aren't their female riders still holding arrows on Analia? I'm certain their arms are getting tired.

he giant bird thought for a moment and decided that the human could not pronounce the name it shared with its companions... this crosses out of Analia's POV. Better to say this part in the bird's dialogue.

She sensed that she was to be treated with the utmost honor and respect... how exactly does she "sense" this? Be careful with mind-speak and being able to read thoughts. Too often that becomes an easy excuse for writers and encourages a sort of laziness for thinking of something better. I just reviewed a novel where this group of people could read people's minds across miles and communicate with each other, too. Not only is it not really creative, it also lacks the romance of the struggle for communicating with others. However, I think you are doing a better job at the mind-speak than this other writer. I just wanted to give out a friendly warning for not using this mind-speak as a crutch because it's easier.

Their riders glanced at each other in fear and unease, completely unaware of what had transpired.
For several hours they continued on in a northeasterly direction... so the knights shoot fire arrows into the sky and the birds are summoned. They appear threatening, with the riders pointing arrows at the dragon and Analia. The birds, Wiff, and Analia have a pleasant conversation. And then the birds disappear while Wiff flies onward. Where did the birds go? Why did the knights summon the birds in the first place?

the city grew into a large metropolis... the way this is worded makes it sound like the city is growing before her eyes, like a flower.

Good description of the city and the surrounding areas.

Corner towers were built every fifty meters with battlements running in between and the castle itself extended for a good square kilometer... when you start putting measurements into description, it slows down the flow. Consider this: Towers were erected every so often along the battlements and the castle itself extended as if to cover the surface of a lake. Unless the exact measurements have some plot purpose, then don't mention them. I, for one, use feet and miles in my every day life so I have no concept of how big a kilometer is. But I do have a good idea how big a lake is, which is why I used that.

Good description of the castle otherwise.

It was to this area the flight squadron made its way... what flight squadron?

They glided slowly into the buildings and landed on a small interior field covered with sand. As each of the female warriors dismounted, their mounts flew off to perches build along one side of the interior...oh! Found the birds. I know I could go back and erase my first question about where they went, but I left it so you could see what readers are going to see and question at the moment. The less questions readers have the better. But now I don't know why Wiff needed an escort. Why were they taken to this place?

Look at the following:

I am not an analiticary OR great thinker (try: I am not a great thinker)
No dragon that I know OR heard of has ever (try: I've never heard of a dragon who has ever...)
Looks like an entire troop OR possibly a full squadron (try: looks like a full squadron)
I did not ask for your unwelcomed opinion OR interference (try: I did not ask for your unwelcomed interference)
A troop of men-at-arms OR housecarls (try: houscarls)

For all of these, there was no need to provide me with two options. Just pick one and be fearless with it *BigSmile*


“Don’t do anything stupid, Whiff,”... haha! Back on him!

The odds here are definitely not in my favor... now knowing the birds escorted them to this place, and since Wiff is bigger than them - I think - and he can blow fire, why didn't he try to escape?

Be certain to pay the proper respects and courtesies.”... Analia is a farm girl. Is she going to know how to do those?

A billowing cape of red crimson on the outside... I know "billowing cap" looks cool and regal, but they are inside a building and "billowing" suggests the wind is blowing it about.

His crown of sandy white hair indicated that he was elderly, but the smooth skin of his face and hands stipulated otherwise... a better word to use instead might be "belie": His crown of sandy white hair indicated that he was elderly, but the smooth skin of his face and hands belied otherwise.

“Did he say Your Imperial Highness?” she muttered to herself... haha! Nice end to the chapter.

FINAL COMMENT: I know I give out a lot of suggestions for something as simple as a line, but don't let that scare you. I tend to blabber nonsense sometimes. I am enjoying how your story is moving on at a nice pace with plenty of new developments and surprises.

*Dragon*Thank you for letting me read your writing. I love to read fellow writers so I can continue to learn and impart what I have learned. However, it is totally up to you if you take or leave my advice, because the only one who can write your story is you. But most important... NEVER STOP WRITING!*Dragon*
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Love You More  
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like this. I especially like your line, "There are just some certain things in life a man can never clarify." Guys think differently than girls. Guys also don't like to/don't know how to share their feelings which, to a girl, sometimes comes off that they don't care. I am trying to understand this better myself, to know and believe my husband loves me even when he may not express it in the exact manner that I like. There were a bunch of grammar errors (were instead of we're, well instead of we'll) but overall a nice piece. Thanks for sharing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
What you wrote in BLACK
Suggestions in BLUE
Things I like in ORANGE
Static comments in GREEN(It may be a suggestion. It may not. Usually applies to just my thoughts but is not necessarily a hard and fast grammar rule. Also just random comments that don't fit in the other two colors.)
*Books4* I do not claim to be a professional. I am working toward being a published author. I have been writing for 16 years and have learned a lot though I am STILL learning. I will be courteous but honest. With that said, here is my review:*Books4*
_________________________________________________________________________

What say you, Ser Thoragild?... well this sucks for him!

Your so called niece is a deviant, a liar and a witch. I have a dispatch from His Holiness, the Vicarus at Castle Point, that your niece is a spy from some other heathen kingdom. Do you also accuse His Holiness of lying?” I also have another dispatch from the Regent of the Kingdom of Alataria which states that my young son and only heir is in the filthy hands of King Domides and his band of cutthroats! What say you, Ser Thoragild?” The last was spat with vehemence... this gives me the feel that I am missing a couple chapters. Awesome ideas, but I believe they will serve you better if you spend a lot more time on the beginning of the story to let the reader warm up their feet before plunging us into cold water with this Kingdom of Alataria (wherever that is) and King Domides (whoever that is) and the Vicarus who apparently is given into telling lies to people despite him being "holy".

King George swirled the chalice of wine around in his meaty hand, glancing sullenly down into the heavy cup to see the reflection of the light as it was caught by the ruby liquid.... oooooh, goooooooood imagery!

“The kingdom is being assaulted from three different directions,” he finally replied with a sigh. “Alataria seeks our northern fiefdoms, Vituria has already encroached into our province of Weltsdown, thanks to that traitor, Lord Clemens, and Emperor Licinius demands two of our southern provinces. The battle we recently fought against the knights of Alataria has weakened our military forces and they know the time is ripe to strike against us. You also know that several of our liege lords are practically in open revolt. Any one of the above could have promised Ser Thoragild a small kingdom of his own for his cooperation.”... yes, I do believe I would love to be warmed up to all of this, maybe mention some of this fighting in the first couple of chapters. Right now I don't have an opinion as to whether or not I care about these battles because I know nothing about them.

She practically invented the word regal and possessed a demeanor and kindness that could easily melt the heart of a troll... good line.

Torture... shiver... but good detail!

sliced his skin just below his navel with a careful six inch long incision, making a downward cut on each end. He then grabbed the heavy set of cast iron pincers, inserted them into the skin and walked backwards slowly pealing the skin downward... I don't hear screaming. There should DEFINITELY be screaming. I know you mention it later, but it should be mentioned as soon as the pain begins. And there should be blood, too?

The headsman continued to pull as the thick piece of skin moved into the man’s crotch pealing the skin from his penis and testicles... if you are writing for a young adult audience, you might want to consider not mentioning those body parts. If this is for an adult audience, you are good.

Suddenly, all three prisoners slowly burst into bright balls of burning light. Within seconds they were fully consumed until nothing but powdery white ashes and empty chains lay on the marble floor where they once stood... wow! Cool! Good detail!

He never admitted he was wrong, as befitted a great king... interesting thought, about leaders not apologizing when they are wrong. I have my own opinions on that, however.

Good and unique description on the king.

He quickly rushed into the room waving a dispatch above his scrawny head and squawking like a frightened chicken... good visual.

“The lower part of the city is being firebombed from the air... they were standing on the balcony and didn't hear or see this happening?

The chief counselor was referring to the giant war birds raised and used by the Alatarians. They were as large as the great dragons, and like the dragons, they accepted only female riders. They were good on the battlefield but rarely bombed any city of decent size due to the torsion power of the large ballistae and scorpions used to bring them down. Other than the ballistae, the only other means to counter them was with Camalund’s dragon riders. King George had forbidden his riders to fly until the mess with Ser Thoragild had been cleared up... I believe we could learn all about this later. Right now, you've built up suspense about the city being attacked, but you bring us to a jarring halt while you give us a little history lesson. If you want to keep the suspense, either tell us this history before or after things have calmed down.
and I will not risk the lives of my soldiers trying to douse it... come on, we are both military. This is what soldiers are for! Risking our lives...

They consume half the royal treasury each year in handouts... I say, then, that that is the king's fault.

Come my dear queen, we have a war to plan.”... a rather romantic ending *BigSmile*

FINAL COMMENT: I am bothered that the king would be so careless about the fire and the lives of his subjects. Where does he think his taxes come from? The fire will likely continue if it is not put out and will devour stuff he DOESN'T want burned.
You have a good handle on original thoughts and ideas, though you tend to rush over them. Slow down, spread them out, give us a more detailed beginning that talks about all of this fun history. You could make like 10 more chapters before now with all of this stuff with other kings and places you've revealed to us here.
And about the gift points you so graciously gave me, I consider your review on The Last Wizard to be gift enough, so I do not require GP's (I have too many as it is!)


*Dragon*Thank you for letting me read your writing. I love to read fellow writers so I can continue to learn and impart what I have learned. However, it is totally up to you if you take or leave my advice, because the only one who can write your story is you. But most important... NEVER STOP WRITING!*Dragon*
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by JMRobison
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This Introduction helps put things into perspective, but there is so much awesomeness to this idea that you could stretch this out into a very large series. Or if you don't want to do that, I still think it would serve you better to put all of this awesomeness directly INTO the story, like Analia goes to a library in her uncle's castle and reads about this history of the world, or the priest in the beginning, the one who taught her to read, could have taught her some history, and doing that would help stretch out your beginning like I mentioned in my last review.
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Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
What you wrote in BLACK
Suggestions in BLUE
Things I like in ORANGE
Static comments in GREEN(It may be a suggestion. It may not. Usually applies to just my thoughts but is not necessarily a hard and fast grammar rule. Also just random comments that don't fit in the other two colors.)
*Books4* I do not claim to be a professional. I am working toward being a published author. I have been writing for 16 years and have learned a lot though I am STILL learning. I will be courteous but honest. With that said, here is my review:*Books4*
_________________________________________________________________________

It was bitterly cold... Lucky you, I'm picking apart the very first line *BigSmile*. Okay, so there is nothing wrong with it, but I am going to offer you some incredible advice that a reviewer gave me and it has since changed my writing style completely (for the very much better). That advice is this: go through the entire story and get rid of as many "was" and "were" words as possible because, essentially, using those words is lazy and you can enhance your own unique writing style if you try to work a sentence without using those two crutch words (But Evermore! The Maze Runner used those words SO much and they made a freaking MOVIE out of his book!) I know I know, and that is the very reason why I did not like the book. His writing style drove me nuts because he used those two words WAY too much. Anyway, here is an example of what I mean by axing out "was' and "were"... I once had this line "Her eyes were sympathetic." I since changed that line to, "Her eyes offered bandages." SO much better! And in fact, the book where this line comes from is in the hands of a literary agent right now where they are considering to represent me for publication. But what do I know? Crap. I know crap about writing. Okay, moving on...

howling wind kept trying to push its way through the entrance of the narrow cave, sending snow showers deeper and deeper into the interior and threatening to close the entrance completely... I got the shivers! GREAT visual and imagery. Where's my cup of hot chocolate...

The clean clothing, a small paring knife, food for three days, and a few personal items sufficed to account for all her all worldly possessions... I like this line.

out and about in the bitter weather... how is it bitter? Snowing? Raining?

The inscription, almost faded out, read, “The Naked Gander.”... given how you are writing in Medieval Times, only Nobles could read and maybe, on rare occasions, a few others. I see that she is a peasant, so how does she know how to read? In fact, the very reason they had pictures for signs was so people could reference places to their picture because people couldn't read. It's fine that she CAN read, but I feel there needs to be an explanation as to why since you are basing this off the time period.

As she entered...the rowdy patrons... I like this whole paragraph. It is good imagery to show me the scene she just entered into.

Ryykon Thoragild... I like all your names.

two and ten years... 12 years old?

The bridge over the wide river...a low bluff following the curve of the river... another good paragraph for imagery to show me her surroundings.

stout black... the 2nd time you've used the word "stout". Now it feels a little repetitive.

and a sentry stood hunched over with his cloak covering his head and face... I love the picture this put in my head.

Wot brings eu out in this awful weather, girl?”...I like how you show the separation in education with how he speaks differently than her.

He obviously did not want to take chances just in case the waif was truly the Master’s own kin... depending on how they run their security of this place, the sentry might also not want to not take chances with letting someone unverified in. Anyone could claim, "He is my uncle."

I'm a little lost. The chapter opened up with her inside a cave with a dragon and another guy but now she is walking to her Uncle's. I think this is a flash back, but it would help if it was made a little more clear that it IS a flashback.

The soles were studded with nails; they clanked on the stone flooring as he guided her up a wide set of stairs... I can hear this sound. GOOD!

She heard the word, come, from the inside... since this is a spoken word, consider putting parenthesis around the word, "come".

I insist you refer to me as your Hunkle... if he has never seen her before, I would think he would want some proof to her claim of being his niece.

“You don’t know what kind of school I run, do you?”... now I wonder why her father didn't tell her this before she left home?

She noted a sign of defiance in him despite his recent beating... I like this line.

“Are you injured, Prince?” Her uncle gravely asked the smiling boy... Prince! Hehe!

you are a lady whether you act like one or nay... I find it interesting that in both our stories we have characters from the Middle Ages that speak a form of Old English. I see your attempt to use Old English (two and ten years, nay) but it is used so little that it sounds odd and out of the blue when it IS finally used. I don't have any recommendations for you on that. Just wanted to point it out.

Robert’s chest as she rushed up and slapped him from behind with the flat of her blade... seeing as he is trying to kill the prince, I wonder why Analia didn't try to kill him? Also, why didn't Smythwaite not notice the dragon land behind him? Something like that would be hard to miss, I think, and I doubt he would have done something so murderous if someone was watching.

“You’ll meet the headsman for this!” one of the men yelled as she slowly took flight from the field. “We will find you and you will die. We will all swear to your guilt.”
Analia jumped as her head hit her chest. She had fallen asleep. She was back in the cold damp cave. Prince Robert still squirmed on his pallet near the fire, and Whiff continued to snore in the other corner... the transition between these two paragraphs does not flow and I feel like I've hit a brick wall because I forgot this was a flashback. Some sort of symbol to indicate a break in the chapter would help. I use OOO when I want a chapter break.

She shook her fist at the storm.
“You will not stop me!” she yelled. “I will save Prince Robert, I will prove my innocence, and I will prevail.”... this feels random and out of place. Can you imagine someone in real life doing this? Shaking their fist at the storm and shouting to nobody?

FINAL COMMENT: I had a hard time keeping the "real time" separate from her silent musings in the cave. A chapter break would help with that. But then I also feel that this chapter could be stretched out into more chapters, because there was a lot of information here but it was crammed together. I like to spend time with the characters, feel their emotions, understand where they come from, and I was almost able to do that but then I would be whisked off to "For the next 2 years" and I lost sight of being attached to the character. It is important readers are attached to the characters. There is also this little pain in the butt called "showing not telling." The difference is this: TELLING: For the next two years, Analia lived in pure ecstasy. She spent every waking hour in the Rook tending to her beautiful dragon, and assisting with the others. On her maiden flight from the Rook, by way of a large opening at the top of the cavern, she squealed in delight, and pure joy flooded her senses. She became the lone traveler, flying throughout the realm, displaying the might and glory of her faithful and powerful dragon. SHOWING: (stretch this paragraph out into three or so chapters showing us in "real time" all of what you just told me. SHOW me HOW her and prince have spent time together, SHOW me how he befriended the bully.)

Yes, switching to SHOWING verses TELLING means a lot more work, but it is vital if you want to engage your readers into caring for your characters. I would also recommend not starting the first chapter in a cave and feeding us with a fire hose worth of backstory, but instead start us in "real time" and show us her growing up a little and all the events that led to her going to her uncle's school.

However, I like the idea you have here; peasant girl meets prince. I am desirous to know what kind of adventures are in store for them. You have a good handle on description, which is a relief to me because I finished reviewing someone's book and I was lucky if I knew whether I was in a building or outside. Moving on!


*Dragon*Thank you for letting me read your writing. I love to read fellow writers so I can continue to learn and impart what I have learned. However, it is totally up to you if you take or leave my advice, because the only one who can write your story is you. But most important... NEVER STOP WRITING!*Dragon*
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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40
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
What you wrote in BLACK
Suggestions in BLUE
Things I like in ORANGE
Static comments in GREEN(It may be a suggestion. It may not. Usually applies to just my thoughts but is not necessarily a hard and fast grammar rule. Also just random comments that don't fit in the other two colors.)
*Books4* I do not claim to be a professional. I am working toward being a published author. I have been writing for 16 years and have learned a lot though I am STILL learning. I will be courteous but honest. With that said, here is my review:*Books4*
_________________________________________________________________________

product of an unholy union between a deformed bull dog and a very small yak... I loved this line!

McGee just kind of heaved it along begrudgingly behind him... cute!

But as the poets and dreamers of the world would have us all believe there is someone out there for all us since beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all of that... This is a great line, though it feels like it is missing a comma after the last "that" because the sentence is leading us up to a thought but stops halfway through.

"Bless his heart," which to anyone fluent in Southern linguistics knows to be the polite way people tell others they are substandard... I like this.

subject to Mikey's narrative over the years... I like your use of the word "narrative".


That is until the January it turned so cold snow and ice covered the whole of the South... THE January? And you either need a comma after "cold" or insert the word "that".

Knowing how attached Mikey was to his critters he put McGee in his truck and dropped him off on Mikey's front porch. That way, he figured, Mikey would never know the dog had run off... and the story circles back with an explanation to an event that started the friendship and made a good life for both man and dog. Love it!

FINAL COMMENT: Your writing is pretty solid. You have a very original way to describe things. I liked how you described McGee. It made me smile (was a damn ugly dog, ha!). One thing to watch out for is "was", "had", and "were" words. Through my experience, those words kill sentences and it is always better to take them out if you can. What do I mean by this? Consider this line: Her eyes were sympathetic. That was a sentence in a novel I wrote, but given the advice to take out as many "were" words as possible, I restructured that line to this: Her eyes offered bandages. So much more powerful and unique to my writing style. I saw several "was" and "were" words in your piece that could easily be re-worked to make the sentence flower more. But overall, well done.

*Dragon*Thank you for letting me read your writing. I love to read fellow writers so I can continue to learn and impart what I have learned. However, it is totally up to you if you take or leave my advice, because the only one who can write your story is you. But most important... NEVER STOP WRITING!*Dragon*
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by JMRobison
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Haha! FUNNY! My favorite part was his name. Reminds me of a short play I wrote, called the Heroes Story; basically a spoof on all the cliché heroes and villains you see on TV and in books. Thanks for the enjoyable read.
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Review of Eyes of Mist  
for entry "9 - Doubts
Review by JMRobison
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I'm glad you are posting more chapters. I will keep reading if you keep posting. Nothing to comment on this chapter. Just waiting for more :)
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Review by JMRobison
Rated: E | (4.0)
I have actually already read this, as you had posted it for the contest. I really don't know how to critique true life stories, since everything in it you say are true (obviously). If I had to say something, It would be to think of where you want the focus of this story and emulate that. It seems that the part where you take Ernest to the river for his new home is the main focus, but then the situation didn't feel tense for me. Overall, it is an interesting story but I feel as if you are forcing it to work for the prompt given, instead of creating something special for the prompt *shrug*. I excel at reviewing fantasy, because that is the only thing I write and read, so I don't even know if what I am saying is even valid for your true life stories, so take it or leave it.
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Review by JMRobison
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well done! You did a good job cutting out the unnecessarily "slow" parts and kept the reader galloping along until the intense action at the end. At no point did I feel bored. There were some grammar errors I would encourage you to look at before submitting it to anything, but I do believe this has improved :)
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Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Enjoyable read. Even more so since it sounds like a true story. Wow! I live in Nevada so the worst big animal I've encountered is nothing. I'm a detention deputy so I know the feeling of being the only female in a male dominated work place! :)
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Review of Eyes of Mist  
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Her hair was living fire and her eyes glowed like jade. When she returned his gaze and smiled his heart beat wildly and he knew that she was perfect. Which made her just good enough for him.... His emotions seem just a little too rushed here (Of course, he is a guy, after all) but I feel it would sound better if this paragraph was made either a little bigger explaining a little more of the inner workings of his mind or with less bold statements such as "and he knew that she was perfect. Which made her just good enough for him." This bold statement feels abrupt, something the reader was not expecting from a character we know just a little bit about.

Oh! So THAT'S Tamaril. COOL! But you have broken my heart because you don't have any more chapters to read! I want to read more. You should write more *Pthb*. I stick my tongue out at you.


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47
47
Review of Eyes of Mist  
for entry "7 - White Woods
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I was wondering when Tamaril was going to join up with the other two. It's tying together very nicely. Just one good intrigue after another. There were some grammatical errors, which I didn't bother mentioning. You had the word FRONT which you misspelled FRON for example. A good, slow read through and you'll be able to pick them all out.


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48
48
Review of Eyes of Mist  
for entry "6 - The Guardian
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Oh no! He cut off her arm! How much of it, though? To the elbow? To the shoulder? Too many stories have perfectly made people because it is easy not caring for a character with a disability, for fellow characters or the author. It's rare that you see truly ugly people in books or a character with a disability, so I commend you for taking on the challenge. That is one of the reasons why I made Priest Herten blind. It creates for more variety in character traits. I also wanted to challenge myself by using everything but eyesight to describe a scene. Basically, I feel super bad for her but well done!

I didn't realize the falamar had pointed ears. I think it was mentioned once but I forgot. Not a problem. I'm excited to see how these two eventually start getting along, because I hope it happens. Your characters are very clear and their personalities are distinct.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
49
49
Review of Eyes of Mist  
for entry "5 - Dark Journey
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
What you wrote in black

Suggestions in blue

What I like in orange

Static comments in green

It had been ingrained into him how inappropriate, and even obscene, it was to not wear a mask in someone else's presence... this is unique, developing a trait that doesn't exist in the real world. I'm reading a book now and all the woman when they come of age have to keep their entire left arm and the entire left hand covered or it is considered highly immodest. I'm impressed with writers who think of different things like that.

around the quilt's shaft... quill?

You are keeping me hooked with frequent action *Smile*. Interesting that Jorcan was told to never show his face but was never told why. Do they find each other too ugly to look at? Next chapter!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
50
50
Review of Eyes of Mist  
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
What you wrote in black

Suggestions in blue

What I like in orange

Static comments in green

she was holding on to broke... "on to" is one word when it is used in this manner "ONTO."

From just below her came... Here, you can omit the word "just" and say instead: From below her came... using the word "just" in this context just sounds like an extra word that doesn't need to be there. I wish I knew the rule for this to help you follow by, but I don't. I'm going off of simply what might sound better. English is my native language and there are most times I don't know how to speak it *BigSmile*!

Dread washed away all numbness when she became aware of the icy blade of the dagger against her throat... INTENSE! Love it!

If he wanted to know whether or not she'd die he just had to keep writing... I know exactly what he means. There are times I didn't know a character was going to die until I killed them. Most times it felt like my characters told me what they were going to do, and I was like, "Okay, I'll let you."

I like how she stands up to him and tells him her name. It seems very fitting for her character for her to do so.

When Jorcan was arguing with the voice in his head, he said that she mustn't find out who he is, but then at the end, he introduced himself as his real name. Seems a bit conflicting.

I might be too excited about it, but I think these two will end up liking each other, which will cause major conflict between the two warring people, and it will be awesome *BigSmile* I put some specific things in orange because I liked it, but really, I liked the whole chapter, and it would be a little much to post the whole thing in this review. So if something is in orange, it really stood out to me. *Dragon* Take or leave my advice, the only one who can write your story is you, and WRITE ON! *Dragon*




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