I had the impression when I read the Prologue that we needed to know the MC better, but after seeing the way you let Clyde Bannon developed that letting him grow into the scene worked well in this case.
I did think that the deep thoughts on Johnny-come-lately celebrity experts might be heading down that dreary road to Literary-fiction. Thank Heavens, you rescued us before the hole got too deep.
I like the way this story is building. You have enough suspense to keep me reading and you are not telling me what I should be thinking.
Opening with a mention of Cecily's monotony with the boredom of her life as it has been for twenty years gives us reason to stick around to see what's next. It is certainly not boredom as the story jumps off to an action start with both Cecily and Lillia contributing to the excitement. I liked the way you exposed Cecily's power over the wind and visibility as they approached the dawn and the Court.
It doe need editing to clear repetition, wordiness, and punctuation issues, but all in all you are off to a good start.
You have certainly shown us a celebration of the beginning of Autumn as the prompt requires, and you've also touched all the bases along the way. That is a smooth-flowing verse, with an interesting reminder of the egg standing on end myth.
Hardly a story that's found on this site,
Delivers its message so strong and so bright
Is there a chance they can move forward now?
There may be a chance if God will allow.
I'll not be looking for nits in this tale.
You've shown what happens when hard hearts prevail.
For now, my friend, let me compliment you
for the beautiful message-full stories you do.
You open with a thought, both loud and clear,
to keep us reading on to find the why.
That tale of heroes shows us much to cheer.
Is it the same old stuff? We start to sigh.
Then, from the middle lines, here comes the fun;
We see this story's more than just a tale.
The conflict never hit a 'cut and run.'
Our heroes meet the challenge, never fail.
The crisis comes; the 'all is lost' we say.
Those superpowers grasp what we don't know.
delivering a chance to save the day
before it's time to smoothly end the show.
Reminders of these few are what we need
when reading through this never boring feed.
I had the good fortune to read your poem at 6:00 AM and then to go outside to see the sunrise. What a magnificent gift you have given me this morning. Now, I have to take a deep dive to see if I can find the Spark to motivate me so well.
I gotta say that is an imaginative yarn. But, it doesn't resolve. If it was a segment in the midst of a story it would be an excellent scene, except for the repetition of words and occasionally stating the obvious. There is an interesting segment of a story here. Good luck in expanding it into a short story.
With no surprise, just as you often do,
you send us off to Google it is true.
We learn of Alice and the Carroll link.
Another twist, another round to drink.
We see potatoes claim their higher ground,
For cabbage, there's no answer to be found.
But, chips appear, as something new and grand.
The knight in white now lends a helping hand.
Acrostic honors dealt, the spuds devolve.
Sliced thin, then boiled in oil, and it's solved.
Could there be peace behind that horrid pain?
The spuds have found their way atop again.
This message, like so many more you’ve shared,
have helped so much to show us how we've fared
You want to be a published author, eh? We don't have enough here to inspire anything helpful, but you do a little snippet with a nice poetic flow. I think this tiny bit shows promise and it might encourage you to keep moving on, and to let us see some of your prose.
This seems more like an outline for a story yet to come. It has a great storyline potential and a great idea for an ending twist. It still had all the 'to be' verbs which we all use but have to rewrite before we get to the end of the story. The ghost trail is an excellent thread, but it needs development.
You've opened the pathway to a full-length story. I can imagine you've got all the twists and turn planned out where they meet, fall in love, plan a wedding with hundreds of guests, and then when they are ready to tie the knot and live happily ever after. They discover that they really are brother and sister.
as one who needs screenestate as I can get, I installed a 55 inch HD TV as my monitor and although it claims to be HD with a resolution of 4096 x 2160 I still have a need for a clearer picture. How about just plain old contrast and ease of viewing.
Thanks for bringing attention to this important issue.
Delightful, how you’ve shown to everyone
These few words lay the facts down with renown.
We see our way, but do not jump the gun
Instead, we wait the climax or meltdown
This verse could go 'most anywhere from here
and win perspective for the place of prayer.
We watch the news, in awe and hide our fear
Just knowing, that's the way of Earth and air
When reading of the world and such grim stuff.
We must confess that all of it is true
Our view, through readers eyes, is just enough
to shake the hope from everything we do.
Each of us gains a little from what' said,
if we allow the thought into our head.
That's a twist we seldom see. It's almost in a category by itself. Poor Alice missed out on an interesting night which she was obviously looking forward to.
Not only, did you give Alice a night to remember, but you sent readers off to googleland to learn more about the Blind Mexican cave fish.
My first impression
You have a terrific idea for a fantasy adventure here. There are plenty of complications to keep the reader interested. There are a few opportunities for improvement descriptions to make it more interesting. But the world you've created here is not just the run-of-the-mill sci-fi earth vs alien setting.
What I liked most
The world you created takes advantage of current prejudices to make the story seem more plausible. Your characters provide a side-conflict such as is expected in modern stories of any kind, which lets us feel closer to the action.
My general suggestions and technical concerns
Even though the narration's telling style makes it hard for the reader to immerse, at an emotional level. That telling style of narration, coupled with the occasional missing word of grammar slip needs a general edit.
Rating and Rationale
I gave this 4.5 stars because, even with the telling narration, it is a vivid, and complex story, and needs very little to make it 5 worthy.
The joy of morning birdsong, here exposed.
It leaves us each in awe and on our own,
to find a shining moment when deposed.
The sun arrives and to find we're not alone.
Incessant waves attempt to steal the show,
but melodies of dawn keep us on track.
We grab our pleasure from the bit we know
of bird and smiles that we cannot take back.
The symphony or morning starts the day
and never can be shoved beneath the rug.
Those broken dreams have little left to say.
For now, the song fills all those holes we’ve dug.
The birds fly off to sing, and chirp, and play
While we retain their gift the livelong day.
When consecration stirs and fans a flame
this quotesmith can provide us with a name.
Toss back a few for meanings, out of hand
Snif of the scorching flame to understand.
Where is the path from dreams to full success?
Right there within my soul, I must confess.
Lie to ourselves. That pious urge will pass.
Once sported, give a cheer and raise a glass.
Ways of the past bring hopes of great renown
But, firey words may win and burn it down.
Those memories of messages we say
remind us of the rules, by which we play.
A toast for all those things we do not know
will free the soul, so our belief can grow.
You think you'd have preferred a dark side poem, eh? Here's an idea for a daffodil poem on the dark side:
Premeditated murder in their gold,
relentlessly their ruffles multiply;
face their frills and step into their fold;
it could be said each spring, 'I live to die'.
They brave the bludgeon of that buttered cup,
and innocence of spring that they portray.
Those fluted frills may offer spirits up,
platoons of petals bear the breath away.
Are Iris, then, the witness to my death?
The Iris knelt to feel the yellow kiss.
"A suicide!" declared the Baby's Breath,
"She gladly went the way of golden bliss!"
While Roses write the rhyme of thorny kill.
they leave a dearth of death by Daffodil.
Thank you for this pointer to Galatians 3:28. It is sometimes used by those who believe in a commune society as a claim that all should have access to everyone else's property, but that was not true when it was written and it is not true now. People are not all created equal. Some are born with no hands. Some are born with no mind. Some are born with exceptional abilities. Stating that all are equal does not make it so.
Thank you for giving us a glimpse into what may be the way things are.
When memories of the dragon stir the flame.
A muse stands ready. Conjure up a name.
Toss back a few for lost sights, out of hand,
and smell the scorching flame. You'll understand.
Where is the path from dragons to success?
Right there, within the melting snowy mess.
Lie to ourselves that dragon wings will pass.
Once spotted, give a cheer and raise a glass.
Ways of the muse bring hopes of great renown
while firey breath may win, or burn it down.
Those memories of the night, with much to say,
reminds us of the rules, by which we play.
Toss back a few for the things we do not know.
Then free the dragon so that he can grow.
The nightmare search for something that is real
provides a list of struggles, all your own,
you find those learning moments where you feel
there’s more to be discovered than a groan.
Now, should a bolt of insight steal the show,
hold to the upside seen within that list.
grab all the strength you can from insight's glow,
and worry not of things you might have missed.
The damage wrought from all you did not say,
cannot be quiet, even 'neath the rug.
Those missing beats rise up and ruin the day,
just as you think you've filled the holes you’ve dug.
But think of all those 'haves' which are now found
to turn the spotlight on them full around.
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