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Review of Heat Lamp  Open in new Window.
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
The metaphors like 'blood red moon' demand
that I relax. Enjoy a whiskey sour,
and give attention to this verse at hand.
Then read the rhyme again, within the hour.

Goodbye…No time to squander on depression.
Although such words can prove confusing when
a poet's long-sequestered love obsession,
goes public with a bright, well-guided pen.

But do we see spilt milk—no words withheld,
she knows he's bad, the same way, too.
He sat and waited, as the silence swelled,
then shrank beneath the weight of her adieu.

She never said good-bye—he sat alone
Her answer was the droning dial-tone.
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227
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
While pondering the world of ants and bees,
A pain upon my ankle drives me wild.
A vivid picture of what fire-ants wrought,
shows swelling where my skin has been defiled

A shot of epinephrine saves the day.
I've learned the range of ants is too far flung.
The poison in that bite has ruined my day
and placed my foot upon hell's bottom rung.

I sprayed and prayed I'd cured the ant infest
"No more!" I feebly squawked without regard
for if the treatment used would be the best.’
The fire-ants formed up ranks. 'You wanna bet?

The problem of the bees (a different kind)
But if I flunk that test too, I'll lose my mind.
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Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Sleep-drugged and dull, I watched this verse expand,
The slow propelling of my mental bug.
Forever grinding as I take the stand,
on feeling words deliver such a slug.

I rise, my muse still suffering an ache
(but knowing poems can relieve my strife).
The final words come close, prepared to take
the last step to ideal eternal life.
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Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
You have a terrific opener and conclusion. The dialog is where you really shine! In fact, I believe it's your writing forte.

To be honest, and this has nothing to do with your writing talent, the first thing I did when I opened your chapter was wince, in shock. I ask that you do something about the formatting. No line breaks make it nearly impossible to keep one's place. That is particularly important with paragraph breaks around the dialog. Making the story easy to read is an important issue; leaving it the way it is will most assuredly cost you readers.

But, back to the story. Your plotting skills are developing very well. This could be on its way to an interesting series.

All the best,

Norbanus



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Review of Carousel to Hell  Open in new Window.
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
When desperation does not know its fate
it's dragged behind and taken for a ride
You fold the consequences on the slate
with logic and decision on your side

The changing meter might cost you a prize
the storyline should gain what you deserve.
There is a flow of puzzle to devise
a way to counter all that we observe.

The old nag didn't make it up the hill.
Calliope fell short and that's the thing,
to give your readers something more to thrill
by questioning if fate has made it sing.

Not a single major blunder did I see.
It is, as far as I see, error-free.
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231
Review of My Poetry  Open in new Window.
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
A poet's long obsession with the word,
can turn a moment's madness to a flood.
No rhyme nor meter we ever heard,
will fill a gut, or staunch the flow of blood.

The 'starving artist' seems a noble breed
and battles life to build an iron will.
A poet (like the rest of us) must feed,
or his pen (like the rest of him) will still.

But where we have a wordsmith with resolve,
who won't give up their day job on a whim.
If we write verses till the problem's solved,
and learn to live with budgets that are trim.

Someone, somewhen may read the words we say
and we might live to write another day.
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232
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
You opened with enchantment in the air
then let the cat sneak slowly from the bag.
The lovers' fate leaves nothing much to fare;
Their passions soar and confidences drag

Then from the light within the middle lines,
we look inside and find unbridled hope.
There is no place inside to cut and run.
No moment’s pause to stop or shed a tear.

The lovers join forever in a flash
of sweet and sour dust in which they're caught.
It's then we see the sudden wild crash
which now consumes them in the joy it's wrought.

Your observation in the final line,
needs no beguiling magic to define.
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Review of Love's Melody!  Open in new Window.
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Line one: The perfect metaphor for love
Delightful, how you've shown us where you stand
a word or two to heaven up above,
starts us along a path to something grand

Line two: The music swells to full renown.
We see our way, but let's not jump the gun
we'll wait and see the climax or meltdown

Linee three: The cymbals drown the shouts of cheer.
But love's bewitching tune is all we hear.
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Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
For truth, we search both site and soul
for just a flicker hidden 'neath a shrug
And, all this knowledge just ramps up the role,
bestowed on us by lifelong holes we’ve dug.

When clinging to God's truth, we cannot fail,
as all is self-correcting, we have seen.
We see the Good Book's writing on the wall
and shout "The truth's right there. It's always been."

But there, with confidence so very deep
are those who know all things produce their gem,
as space-time germinates so they can reap
the joy of knowing all and topping them.

Perhaps God left the bang for us to find,
a thing to need more tossing in our mind.
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Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
You open with a snicker, loud and clear,
to keep me reading on to find the why.
But on we go, with nothing much to cheer.
We see my boring self and start to sigh.

Then, from the shadows of the middle lines,
I look inside and find a point of cheer.
There’s no chance now, for me to cut and run.
My thrashing guilt delivers one last tear.

The crisis comes but no conflicted play,
where doubts build to the ups and downs we know,
Will chilling blood come through and save the day
before it's time to smoothly end the show.

The turn delivered in the final line,
is one that needs no magic to define.
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Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
When tossing stones sometimes too fast
We lose the fact our house is glass.
A useless word of something past
when golden silence makes the pass.

Our minds flip 'round, and then we fall.
A path of gossip as before
I glance away toward the wall
preserves a buck, just like before.

In truth, I helped someone last week
Leaped forth to catch a fallen purse
but there the owner, looking weak,
held out his hand and I felt worse.

A little overblown, but here I find,
a need for further tossing in my mind.
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Review of Lost Jax  Open in new Window.
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
The evening’s cold. We stoke the fire
and read aloud the story's soulful sounds.
Jax wanders on. No call for Ire.
He's carried on the trail where love abounds.

The forest warms his sense of right.
While thoughts of peace expand as time/life stills,
Stay on the path for your delight
and watch as nature's song sends forth its thrills.

We reach the end. The purist page
and touch the face of peace when music ends,
I’m left askew upon the stage
the story building still as thought appends.

Delightful story ends. We're never told
just shown the forest path and we are sold.
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Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Consumed by times gone by, that’s quite a thought.
This verse reveals a current notion wild.
A vivid picture of what youth's time brought
gross, gory and defined, but not defiled

With tenderness not getting in the way,
and unaware, at all, he was too young.
The horrors of those days could ruin one’s day
And plant one's foot upon hell's bottom rung.

Without the least regard, he flunks the test.
'What for are yellowed letters, but regret.
'It's time to clear the stage and chuck the rest.’
What is fate’s final word? 'You wanna bet?

The yellowed letter flaunts another kind
of haunting, which will never leave the mind
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Review of Snowbird  Open in new Window.
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
The metaphors like 'snowfields and clipped wings'
demand that I sit back and take my time.
The moments pass. I ponder many things.
Then read the verse again, within the hour.

Goodbye…No time to squander on loves lost.
Although such words can prove confusing when
a poet's long-sequestered zeal is tossed
but salvaged by a bright, well-guided pen.

The three lines fill the bill-- no words withheld,
she knows he does not feels the same way, too.
We sat and waited, as the silence swelled,
then shrank beneath the tone of her adieu.

She never said good-bye—she sat alone
His answer like a droning dial-tone.

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Review of lovely intentions  Open in new Window.
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Two days aboard the site, this writer's goal,
to grab us by the soul and give a tug
has shown a new perspective to the role,
of shining light into the holes we’ve dug.

But buried ‘mongst the tidbits where they fall,
are truths we know, we’ve often seen before.
They shine there, just like beacons on the wall,
as artifacts that we are searching for.

Is that the goal, or am I in too deep?
I leap forth and I grasp that moment’s gem,
left there by you, as something I can reap
to know the joy in finding one of them.

Perhaps the words that floated from your mind,
contain another someone else can find
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Review of Where Did I Go?  Open in new Window.
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
'Twould take at least a thousand words of prose,
to send us down this short but furrowed path.
Each stanza clears the view of smoke for those,
who hold in check the doubter usual wrath.

Examples flourish of the ways to write
for meaning and to draw from what's gone past,
without engaging in the flashback fight,
or cluttering with stuff that just won’t last.

In truth, this story/poem takes us deep,
and leaps forth here to fill the story’s need.
Each step upon the gauntlet lets the reap
a clue of where the final scene will lead.

Thank you for this sample you've defined.
It shows me how to look and what to find.
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Review of The Feud  Open in new Window.
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
The words are few, but meanings fill the stage,
Each of us sees our own resplendent grief.
Those who know all, may feel a bit of rage,
And stir our evil souls but no relief.

Time smirks at us, we see with modern eyes.
'Builds character?' That notion is debunked.
No matter of the pressure or the whys,
the ambiance of mourning has been junked

So, stand upon our patience and our trust,
One day we'll find it's passed disspite the hitch
Contempt for memory's, and for our lust,
we bury these reflections in a twitch.

Past deeds rush in to try and make a case,
Ignoring all those tears upon the face,
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Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
He stares into his bleakest thought,
despair alone replies.
"What is this horror life has wrought?"
He shakes her heads and cries.

Once he had a closest friend,
but now the sharing's gone.
Life's evil sends him round the bend
from dawn to wretched dawn

The brutal words will never be
like those of times gone bye.
Lo, what came of that hopeful me?
A nightmare, but I try.
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Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
We stared into the young lad's thoughts.
Our darkest fear replied.
"What is this training Dad has brought?"
we shook our heads and cried.

The final words rip through our minds
like what he hoped to shy.
What came of these disturbing finds?
Where does the future lie?
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Review of The Apple Cart  Open in new Window.
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
A poem to one’s self. What could it mean?
Perhaps a moment's grasping for a thread.
Or maybe, just like other verses seen,
It gives the muse a rest from what's not said

You paint the questions for us, in the fog,
and drag our doubts right out there on the floor.
Those brilliant phrases break out from smog.
We think it matters not. Who’s keeping score.

Those simmering words will stay here with our stuff,
while all the old clichés are holding true.
deep down, we know that this will be enough,
to shake the doubts off things we hope to do.

One thing that you've shown us with this thoughtful piece
just letting life roll on provides release
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Review of Tired  Open in new Window.
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
In the night, you feel like dying,
weak, and weary, sick--yet trying.
Solid hope, for what you're seeking;
silence that dull muse still speaking.

In sight, a glimpse, a something better!
Deep in drought, emotions, wetter.
On the knees in hopeless begging.
Crowds arrive and start the egging.

Human nightmares fill the ears,
with no relief for all those fears.
Soul of humor; ghost of hates.
Bearing fault defies the fates

Caring holds the seeds of tiring souls
Let others bear the load. Reverse the roles.
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Review of My husband to be  Open in new Window.
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)

This short and meaningful piece certainly does the number one job of conveying its message.

We hear the enthusiasm for the upcoming marriage loud and clear.

Those of us who have lived a similar experience may find a lot here to identify with.



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Review of Vicky  Open in new Window.
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
You've done quite a job of character exposure here with the Vickie character. Tim is dumped out there with all his warts and shortcomings, but with Vickie you let her plans sneak out into the story a little at a time.

This appears to be part of a longer piece since there is no resolution. Some closure for this segment will add a lot of reader interest.
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Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
You have done an excellent job of capturing the grief we feel at the loss of a loved and loving pet. You brought a tear in reading your story and remembering my last lost loving canine. For some months, I could not abide the thought of bringing another into my life. When I did, I found another best friend, but it did not take away the pain of one I'd lost.

Well done,

Norbanus
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Review of A Midnight Clear  Open in new Window.
Review by Norbanus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
By George, you kept me glued to the page. You let us use our imaginations to picture the setting and to see the various characters.

The differences held by the astronauts and the ways they thought of what they believed while waiting for certain death is well presented and forces almost every reader to evaluate what they might do.

Damn well done,

Norbanus
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