First Thoughts: Venn is a young magician who desperately wants to prove himself against his older brother Deric. When his quest for the Cyclic Orb fails, Venn volunteers to find the last winter dragon. This makes me believe that Venn is a driven man who once has been beaten will get back up and try his hand at something else.
What I liked: I liked this description. “The dragon was not white, as he expected, but almost pitch black. It’s body was large, round and muscular, the four leathery legs driving it powerfully forward. The head was flat and broad, with frost tipped ridges lining the eyes and skull. Short spines snaked down its back to the end of its narrow rough tail, and they were all tipped with icy excrescence”. Information and creative.
Not so good: The dragon was already dead! How could you do that?!?! I think the story would have been better if Deric was about to be killed by the dragon and Venn had to either save him or leave him.
Final Thoughts: Venn has finally achieved his own glory and will return to his family. This could be open to a much larger story that I would definitely read. Cheers and write on!
How are you my man? Good effort on The Dark Heart of the Arrwood. I think it works with the prompt. Excellent work on the word count. Exactly 2000! Ok so same questions for me to answer as last week so let’s do this.
Yes, the plot did interest me as usual. It begins with the two brothers going into Arrwood after the stag and uncovering a great evil that has returned. Even though they don’t escape like the prompt totally said to it still works for me. Denyll seems like the more braver out of the pair and these two characters are a set. Sure Reyph doesn’t want to risk running around in the forest after dark, but everyone is afraid of something and Reyph’s fear makes the readers see realism in him.
The dialog from the two is basic however I think it represents a pair on the hunt. Focused and determined on their goal. The surrounds of the forest and the dark return of the spectre thingies worked well together and I can visualize one coming out of a forest towards me. Sure it’d be scary if you were there but seems pretty awesome in my head.
What did I like the most? The whole thing as usual. Your writing has nothing to not like about it. My favourite part however was where the spectre and mount charge out of the forest. I couldn’t find anything to dislike about this piece as per usual because of your brilliant writing. Great job again!
Finally this piece was very memorable and like your other entries you have submitted thus far you can easily expand upon and maybe even link three or four sets of characters together in the one novel. Like Filor could rescue the brothers from the forest and you have the linking of the characters. Write on good sir! Merit badge will be around in a day or two.
Shows about Kalum's past and how he comes to hate the werewolves and what he's doing now he has been turned.
Great description of the werewolf that killed Kalum's father and what Brom looks like; thats an area you do really well in.
Brom made me laugh, just in relation to Eragon but other then that pretty good job.
Here is the review as promised. I’m going off a guideline for a contest that Diane has started up, trying to win me some coin. A few questions I’m just going through, let me tell you it makes this reviewing easy. Anyway let’s get to it. The Undeath of Filor, great title it really does sum it up you could say.
Yes, the plot did interest me. I love this sort of thing with immortals and what not. Another good book with an immortal is the Night Angel Trilogy by Brent Weeks. Read it if you haven’t already :) Filor, the kings, the witch and the bandit where all believable characters from a medieval type world. The pleading of the robber and the way that Filor treated him made the dialog flow naturally and what you would expect from this sort of scene. Well written I might add.
The era, place and setting worked out well and melded together brilliantly. A civil war, I assume is a great place to introduce an immortal character who has just died and is now living again. We as the reader see a small glimpse into Filor’s life and what his plan is, however upon him meeting the Witch it doesn’t really go far.
What did I like the most? The whole thing! It won First Place for crying out loud! Favorite line was with Filor: “Then why don't you learn to eat as your fellow vultures do?” I couldn’t find anything to dislike about this piece. Great job! What could I change about this. Not a great deal, I’d only expand on it and make it into a novel. Sue says you have plans for this?
Finally this piece was memorable and I want to see more of Filor and his immortality. You should be able to expand and explore this world a hell of a lot more. Good work again sir! Hope to see you again in the Fantastic Fantasy Contest!
I like the accent you have given the character. Makes it more life like I suppose you could say because nobody talks in complete words if you know what I mean.
I probably wouldn't call the Dog Hell because I read the first sentence twice and I finally understood that the dog was Hell. I thought you were saying that the underworld type Hell had found him. Minor confusion but at least it made sense later.
All in all good read, can't find that much to critique except for the few things I mentioned so I gave you a 4.5 for it.
I hope to see more of Hunters Run and yeah. Good stuff.
If you could also check out my portfolio and read about my Hunters I reckon that'd be awesome.
I knew he loved redheads but wasn't expecting him to eat them. Good short story, perhaps you could turn this into a murder / thriller by having it from a 3rd person, introduce more characters and have the guy go on a killing spree.
Just a suggestion take it and run with it or drop it in the freezer (see what I did there :D)
Nice, I had no idea it was about demons. I got a pretty decent image of the lesser demon that was sent to kill Malik, but as Baal is a greater demon? I think he deserves a more detailed description if you get what I mean.
Stop right there in the first paragraph! Yes I am jumping around, but duuuuude. You didn't describe your main character!! Rah rah rah, he could look like Barros, or Piero, or Abner for all the reader knows!! You've got to describe your main characters within the chapter (page or so) of the reader meeting them.
Also as the world is run by demons why do they have a territory? Are the Humans keeping them in line at the moment? Might want to clarify pretty soon. I also would love to know what the Reaping is.
I'd like to see you describe Laura in more detail then just the girlfriend.
I'm thinking that you could do more with this story, and have you - the main character finding the creature and stuff happening. I think it's like a Goblin or something perhaps. Maybe a gnome but too short to be a dwarf.
I find it very cool that they go up into their mountains for studies. A similar experience to what you have had perhaps?
All I can think of at the moment and I'd appreciate it if you checked out my work.
Well written but very small as you can probably see. I wouldn't have them as Chapters unless you can get a good A4 page or more out of them. (At least 1000 words). Definitely get more descriptive, here you are limited and have everything so condensed. Draw it out more... make it longer. You can do it!!
At the moment this doesn't tell the reader much so you got so much you can do!!!
Keep writing!!
Check out my portfolio and a few others on the site to get some ideas maybe.. And welcome to WDC!!
This really helps a lot, I've added it onto my favourites page.
Also if I'm not in America where can I get a copy of The Chicago Manual of Style. I wouldn't mind having one or could you recommend one for maybe Australian english. A lot of helpful tips in there and thanks again for posting it!!
A raging inferno lit under her skin and her vision seared white until she knew no more.
Do you mean like under hand? Or like actually under a layer of her skin?
Anyway I liked reading this. Was good I actually thought she was going to make it. But oh well.
I love this story, very well written however the bottom half did have a heap of dialogue which I know was instrumental to the development of the story. I hope later on there will be more action, which I'm sure you writing right now.
Anyway thats all my reviews entail and I'd appreciate it if you checked out my portfolio.
So to start, I don't review grammar, spelling etc, I leave that for someone else.
However I do think there was a few bits and pieces in there that didn't read well, might have needed a comma or two.
Just saw you wrote this in 05... Popped up on my recently edited so I always take it as recent.
I love the way you wrote the dialogue for the Dwarf. That was excellent. Made me giggle several times throughout.
Fairly decent description of the landscape / surrounds etc but I would have like to have had a bit more of a detailed description with the characters.
All in all pretty good I thought, so I gave it a 4.
You should definitely check my works out on the portfolio.
I enjoyed this... First chapter of many to come I hope?
If it's not keep going please!!!!! Add more I want to read it!!
Reminds me of the beginning of another book - The Black Prism by Brent Weeks, same character name and everything.
Anyway I don't do checks for spelling, grammar all that kind of thing, I just do content reviews and say whether it is good or bad.
You should check out my works at my portfolio and would really appreciate it.
Normally poetry isn't my thing but this I actually found pretty good. Even though nobody knows what its like to be dead I suppose.. I think you've captured the right emotions that someone like a zombie would probably be feeling if they were dead.
Perhaps you could add more to this, like the wind on my face, feeling a woman's touch, being able to enjoy food. Something like that and finish it off with you know like if I lived again.
Anyway mate, all I can think of for this review. But I'd love it if you could check out my works on my portfolio.
Great build up of suspense, introduction of the characters and setting.
All in all a great short piece. You'd never seen me writing something this small and getting that much out of it.
Just checked out Hunted and yes I did review it just don't know how to share it.
G'day there mate, just a few things to start with.
I understand this is probably unedited, my stuff is that I put up here but that is fine. (You should check my stuff out as well).
Anyway back to yours. Using brackets in the middle of stories like that when you say (my slave name) etc isn't really great English. What you should do instead is have something like: Kroen, which is my slave name. Or however you would work it. But brackets aren't a good thing to have in the middle of a writing piece unless it is a thesis or mathematical piece.
The same again with the numbers, when Kroen is running over his plan in his head. Bulleted numbers aren't that good either. You could say they are an eye sore on the reader. Also unbulleted numbers such as 9 years ago, I'd go with nine years ago. Again for the same reason.
The occasional bolding of words is good, however I don't tend to use in my writing but it's up to you on that one.
All in all a pretty decent effort and with a bit of work - adding in more detail etc, I'm sure you could get this piece right up there with the best.
Nice job there Josh! I do hope you have more of this you can continue on with... In more detail, Kalum struggling with his curse, how he came to be hunting that werewolf and Moya leaving him to try and find a cure. The possibilities are endless with this sort of stuff.
But with what you have so far, well done!! I enjoyed it and gave your work a 4, I very very very rarely tend to give anything higher so good for you sir.
Anyway you should check out my portfolio and work and tell me what you think. Cheers.
Nice work there, can't wait to see if you have anymore coming out. Very cool having a professor relaxing, then seeing all this stuff happen before him. Maybe he should have asked himself if the scotch was already taking a toll on him. Well deserved 4 from me I think. You should check out my portfolio and have a read through mine.
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