|A Knightly Review
Hello Bman2095 ! A Knightly Review from Sir Various.
This review is entirely my opinion, and I will do my best to be honest and straightforward. If you wish to discuss any part, I am quite happy to do so. Please feel free to ignore or use anything in this review as you see fit.
Story: A knight seeks vengeance on a dragon for the death of his son.
Impression: You have some solid imagery here. Your combat and setting are told well, we have a solid plot with the vengeance for the death of Erdrick's son. You opened with action, you told us immediately that the dragon did bad things in Clearwater, then you moved on to the story. This is quite solid and I'm pleased to see that you didn't make a newbie writer mistake here. Nicely done. Also, great name, the Dragon Warrior Erdrick.
Grammar: You had some structure issues here and there. Several sentences were missing a "the", and there was some occasional tense issues. Overall you did mostly okay.
Remember, with dialogue tags (he said, etc) you want to make sure your punctuation is structure proper. I will show you what I mean:
Your sentence: “My son.” He mumbled angrily. Now here, when a reader sees a period, they automatically stop and move on to the next sentence as they read. When a reader reads your sentence here, they'll see two sentences, and it disrupts the flow. Here is the correct format:
"My son," he mumbled angrily. You can see here that we only have one period, as the dialogue tag (he mumbled angrily) modifies the dialogue. The entire line, both what is in the quotations and the tag after, are one sentence, so it uses only one period. You'll need to put a comma after the spoken comment, change the subject to lowercase, and end the sentence with a period. As this is the only dialogue in the entire story, I feel you needed to know the correct structure. Please feel free to let me know if you want more examples or any help with structure.
What I didn't like: Your story was solid and enjoyable. I love a good knightly tale, of course. My personal style tends to be more serious and I have always subscribed to the notion of plausible mechanics. While the fight scene was told well, there is no way a knight could have killed that dragon with such weapons, unless there was some major magic involved. Don't get me wrong, you told the tale and combat well, including the easily-injured knight who was woefully unprepared. My point is that I personally would recommend adding in something to even the odds in favor of the knight, either magically or in ability. As it stands, the knight is extraordinarily lucky (well, he died, so not that lucky) to slay the dragon, and that makes it implausible to me. This is primarily personal preference; I fully support dragonslaying, I just tend to swing more toward the analytical and realistic approach. Yeah, yeah, I know, it's fantasy.
Overall this is not a bad story at all. I would suggest on future revisions to look at sentence structure and pay attention to your personal style. Try reading your story out loud; you'll find that it really helps with how sentences sound to a reader. Also, try to make us see the blood and action, and not just merely tell us. I think you have a lot of potential.
A Knightly Review from Sir Various