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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ogp7
Review Requests: OFF
57 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I try to be honest, and provide at least one suggestion per piece. I'll throw in a bit of flattery, too, unless it forces me to not be honest.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, Dark, Action/Adventure
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, History, Nonfiction
Favorite Item Types
I will review static items up to 5000 words . If you want something else reviewed, or something longer reviewed, please email first.
Least Favorite Item Types
In and Outs, Poetry, Interactives
I will not review...
Anything absurdly fanfiction like Sonic or Ironman; nor will I review shrinking, giant, or anything silly like that. Exceptions can always be made, however, if you truly believe in your work and take yourself seriously.
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Unorthadox  
Review by Sir Various
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Castleleft*A Knightly Review*Castleright*


Hello Anistasya ! A Knightly Review from Sir Various.


This review is entirely my opinion, and I will do my best to be honest and straightforward. If you wish to discuss any part, I am quite happy to do so. Please feel free to ignore or use anything in this review as you see fit.

Anistasya, congratulations on your win. I'm reviewing your winning entry.

Story: A story with a common enough plot of rebellious youthful love. The story is fleshed out admirably with the addition of social and economic issues, as well as racism.

Impression: Oh quite well done. You managed to explore several themes in such a short span. You've provided a great history of your land merely by hinting at several things such as the political issues stemming from your city providing haven to the dwarven refugees. Your dwarven culture is presented clearly without being told directly. Your story is well-written, clear, and your conflict is presented clearly. I think this is quite good and I'm impressed. While a significant portion of your story is dialogue, I feel this particular scene warrants its good use; we don't need a lot of exposition to get the point.

Grammar: Almost zero issues. You did quite well. There was one misspelling in this line:

He’s quiet for a long time. I reach out to touch his shoulder. He let’s out another heavy sigh. “My parents know you’ve been coming here at night.”

That's it. I didn't notice anything else at all. You're a great writer.

What I didn't like: Absolutely nothing. I don't give out five stars often, but this item deserves all five.

I can see your talent, and I hope to see other contest entries from you in the future.

Respectfully yours,

Sir Various

*Castleleft*A Knightly Review*Castleright*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review of Life Is An Ocean  
Review by Sir Various
Rated: E | (3.0)
*Castleleft*A Knightly Review*Castleright*


Hello SnehalG ! A Knightly Review from Sir Various.


This review is entirely my opinion, and I will do my best to be honest and straightforward. If you wish to discuss any part, I am quite happy to do so. Please feel free to ignore or use anything in this review as you see fit.

Hello, SnehalG. Your item here showed up on the Randow Review link. I'm pleased to offer you my thoughts on your poem. Please take my comments with a 'grain of salt,' as I am not a poet. *Smile*

Story: This is a philosophical and thought-provoking poem on life.


Impression: I'm attempting to review a lot more poetry, as I feel if I can interpret and critique it more, I can learn more from outside my own preferences. I see your attempt here at linking the wide and broad expanse of the sea/ocean with the similarly wide and broad expanse of life. I feel this was a reasonable attempt to be thought-provoking.


Grammar: I'm putting in rhyming with the grammar portion of this review. There were several words that did not rhyme, although some were spelled in a similar manner. The last stanza especially did not rhyme that well. 'accept' and 'effects' are close enough, I guess, with the vowel-->consonant-->'t' ending to the word, but I felt it was a stretch. 'Wind' and 'Kind' do not rhyme at all. Since you began your poem with phonetic rhymes, I would have preferred that to stay consistent. Admittedly, I'm no expert on poetry, so this is merely personal preference.

In your third stanza, you used 'affect' and 'fate' as a rhyme, and those do not rhyme at all.

What I didn't like: While I enjoy a philosophical writing, I felt that by using the word 'fate' excessively, you weakened the meaning of it. To be honest, I would have tolerated quite a bit of redundancy if you could work on your rhymes and rhythm some more. I recommend reading your poem out loud and reevaluating the feel of the poem as you speak it.

Thank you for allowing me to review and critique your item. By being critical, I learn quite a bit, so you are helping me grow, too. I hope you work hard and keep writing poetry. Thanks again. *Smile*

Respectfully yours,

Sir Various

*Castleleft*A Knightly Review*Castleright*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review of Slave Labor  
Review by Sir Various
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Castleleft*A Knightly Review*Castleright*


Hello Chris W ! A Knightly Review from Sir Various.


This review is entirely my opinion, and I will do my best to be honest and straightforward. If you wish to discuss any part, I am quite happy to do so. Please feel free to ignore or use anything in this review as you see fit.

Hello Chris. I'm reviewing your entry for the Great Hall contest.

Story: A slave rebels and escapes after a confrontation with a prince and an important relic.


Impression: Your writing tone, style, and grammar was nicely done. You clearly have experience writing, and it pleases me to read something constructed well. Your story was solid, containing a solid hook, intertwined exposition explaining setting and character, and a stable plot. You used the prompt in great way; you interpreted and used your version of "archaeological dig" instead of just flat-out using an archaeological dig. I think this was an excellent choice as it makes the story more unique.

Some might argue how little magic there is in a fantasy story; however, I feel that you provided enough. Not all speculative fiction requires magic, and the fact that we are in another world is enough fantasy for me.

I will also say that I enjoyed your one-line paragraphs that you used for effect. I use this myself, and it is nice to see another writer employ a similar style to my own.


Grammar: A couple of comma misuses, but I forgive those because I do the same thing. *Bigsmile* Your overall command of structure is commendable. I feel a simple pass of your document with a critical eye will fix most of your minor errors.


What I didn't like: While this story is well-written, I do have some minor issues. First, I would like some better backstory. Of course it is a difficult task to interweave it into the story without merely dumping it; however, with the level of writing I see here, I strongly feel you are more than capable of doing this. Some quick mention would do. Also, a slave driven to hard labor would not necessarily be capable of such a fortuitous escape. If this was a longer piece, I would make El's escape much more enticingly dangerous; perhaps have him flee into the mines, barely ahead of the numerous guards (after all, there is a prince. Would not he be well-guarded? Mine guards plus royal guards equals a significant increase in obstacles to El's escape). Understandably, this is a short story and you are limited; however, I recommend you always think of these things. We want to be mean to our protagonists, put them in such dire straights that we must turn the page to see if they win or survive. You ended the story here with an open ending, so there is plenty of space for suspense if you choose to revise or expand.

Another issue I have is the overall milieu. Some more concrete descriptions would do wonders. This is only a suggestion, not something I am counting off for. Show us more of El's personality compared to the hopelessness and hardships of the mines.

In conclusion, this is written very well. By submitting this piece, you already know that you can write decent, so I prefer to give constructive criticism. Praise has its place, especially for morale, but improving through criticism will help you grow much more than praise. It is my humble opinion that you should always seek deep criticism and revel in it ten times more than compliments.

Well done.

*Castleleft*A Knightly Review from Sir Various*Castleright*


Respectfully yours,

Sir Various


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review by Sir Various
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Castleleft*A Knightly Review*Castleright*


Hello Bman2095 ! A Knightly Review from Sir Various.


This review is entirely my opinion, and I will do my best to be honest and straightforward. If you wish to discuss any part, I am quite happy to do so. Please feel free to ignore or use anything in this review as you see fit.

Story: A knight seeks vengeance on a dragon for the death of his son.


Impression: You have some solid imagery here. Your combat and setting are told well, we have a solid plot with the vengeance for the death of Erdrick's son. You opened with action, you told us immediately that the dragon did bad things in Clearwater, then you moved on to the story. This is quite solid and I'm pleased to see that you didn't make a newbie writer mistake here. Nicely done. Also, great name, the Dragon Warrior Erdrick. *Bigsmile*


Grammar: You had some structure issues here and there. Several sentences were missing a "the", and there was some occasional tense issues. Overall you did mostly okay.

Remember, with dialogue tags (he said, etc) you want to make sure your punctuation is structure proper. I will show you what I mean:

Your sentence: “My son.” He mumbled angrily. Now here, when a reader sees a period, they automatically stop and move on to the next sentence as they read. When a reader reads your sentence here, they'll see two sentences, and it disrupts the flow. Here is the correct format:

"My son," he mumbled angrily. You can see here that we only have one period, as the dialogue tag (he mumbled angrily) modifies the dialogue. The entire line, both what is in the quotations and the tag after, are one sentence, so it uses only one period. You'll need to put a comma after the spoken comment, change the subject to lowercase, and end the sentence with a period. As this is the only dialogue in the entire story, I feel you needed to know the correct structure. Please feel free to let me know if you want more examples or any help with structure.


What I didn't like: Your story was solid and enjoyable. I love a good knightly tale, of course. My personal style tends to be more serious and I have always subscribed to the notion of plausible mechanics. While the fight scene was told well, there is no way a knight could have killed that dragon with such weapons, unless there was some major magic involved. Don't get me wrong, you told the tale and combat well, including the easily-injured knight who was woefully unprepared. My point is that I personally would recommend adding in something to even the odds in favor of the knight, either magically or in ability. As it stands, the knight is extraordinarily lucky (well, he died, so not that lucky) to slay the dragon, and that makes it implausible to me. This is primarily personal preference; I fully support dragonslaying, I just tend to swing more toward the analytical and realistic approach. Yeah, yeah, I know, it's fantasy. *Smile*

Overall this is not a bad story at all. I would suggest on future revisions to look at sentence structure and pay attention to your personal style. Try reading your story out loud; you'll find that it really helps with how sentences sound to a reader. Also, try to make us see the blood and action, and not just merely tell us. I think you have a lot of potential.


*Castleleft*A Knightly Review from Sir Various*Castleright*


Respectfully yours,

Sir Various


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review by Sir Various
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Castleleft*A Knightly Review*Castleright*


Hello brom21 ! A Knightly Review from Sir Various.


This review is entirely my opinion, and I will do my best to be honest and straightforward. If you wish to discuss any part, I am quite happy to do so. Please feel free to ignore or use anything in this review as you see fit.

Good evening, Brom. I'm reviewing all the entries for the Great Hall contest. *Bigsmile*

Story: An archaeologist seeks a relic that proves the current regime is false.


Impression: Your story has great potential. I see a lot of areas where a broader story could be told. I like the future but fantasy take you used, and I enjoyed the religious intonations and references to Christianity. You never outright directed the reader to any modern religion, but there were clear similarities. Overall this is a unique take on the future of religion in America, with not-so-subtle allusions to political corruption. I never got the feeling, however, that you were forcing anything on me as a reader, and your story was pleasant.


Grammar: You have numerous tense errors, switching between past and present tense. Some of your word choices were placed phonetically instead of the actual word: "new" instead of "knew". An extra pass or three through your draft will fix most of these. As well, I think you hit an italics tag wrong, which left the second half of your entry in italics. Easy fix. *Smile*


What I didn't like: There are several things that I suggest you look at. While your story was solid, I feel we can relate to the doctors better if we use their first names, as well as perhaps some introspection and personal thoughts of one of them as the central protagonist. This could add some tension and empathy, as well as show us the struggle, desire, and determination to seek and uncover the plot by Mordecai. As it stands now, you reference both doctors professionally, and it is hard for me to relate to either one.
The other issue I had was the timetable. I realize that you want the artifact uncovered during current reign of the earthly king Mordecai, however, something buried for 40 years doesn't not seem particularly "artifact-y" to me. I'm sure the time doesn't matter, but when I visualize an archaeological dig, it's usually much more ancient things. For me personally, the timetable just didn't jive. The rest of the story was solid enough as you had a clear plot, setting, and characterization. For future revisions, I suggest focusing on characterization.

You chose the third prompt and used it correctly.

I wish you luck in the contest! Feel free to comment/use/not use anything I suggest. Good luck!


*Castleleft*A Knightly Review from Sir Various*Castleright*


Respectfully yours,

Sir Various


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review of Squatters  
Review by Sir Various
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Castleleft*A Knightly Review*Castleright*


Hello EricAnderson ! A Knightly Review from Sir Various.


This review is entirely my opinion, and I will do my best to be honest and straightforward. If you wish to discuss any part, I am quite happy to do so. Please feel free to ignore or use anything in this review as you see fit.

I saw this on the Review Request page, and I liked it, so I'll give you some comments. *Smile*

Story: A creepy fellow "stalks" a woman, then displays an even more creepy psychic revolution.


Impression: Well, I certainly wasn't expecting it to go in THAT direction! I'm curious if he's really insane, or if there's an actual psychic connection with his 'siblings'. The fantasist in me of course assumes the latter, which is really intriguing premise. The story is decidedly dark, so I enjoyed that as well. This dude is creepy. I especially liked how you had him rationalize his motives for certain things: stealing only what he needed, only taking folks "safety" and not their money. I think that was quite original and well done.

Grammar: No issues. I would like to comment that I enjoyed your writing style; using one sentence, abbreviated paragraphs for emphasis is a technique I use myself, so I liked seeing it here. One of the issues new writers have when using first-person POV is using too many "I"'s or "me"'s, but you did pretty well with providing more observational sentences, so good job.


What I didn't like: The protagonist! He really is disturbing. Seriously though, I didn't dislike anything, you wrote a solid piece here. If I had to offer a suggestion, albeit minor, I think I'd bump his time on the streets up to a few more years than just two. That seems a bit short to me, but it's really inconsequential.

Overall I think this item is well-written. You did a great job of creeping me out. *Bigsmile*

*Castleleft*A Knightly Review from Sir Various*Castleright*


Respectfully yours,

Sir Various


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review of The Reaper  
Review by Sir Various
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Castleleft*A Knightly Review*Castleright*


Hello Jellyfish is an Auntie! ! A Knightly Review from Sir Various.


This review is entirely my opinion, and I will do my best to be honest and straightforward. If you wish to discuss any part, I am quite happy to do so. Please feel free to ignore or use anything in this review as you see fit.

Story: Much as your tagline says, this is a brief story of a girl who contemplates death, with another who knows it intimately.


Impression: Simple and straightforward, I enjoyed this tale. I'm always a fan of encounters with Death, personified. I, myself, have a few stories that are similar. What I liked especially is the contemplative aspect of the story. It makes the reader want to think about death themselves, including the aspect of an afterlife, and the prospect of dying. I have thought about this a lot myself, so it was nice to see a similar thought process in a fiction story.


Grammar: I didn't really pay much attention to grammar. I didn't notice anything that caused me to pause or distract, so I will assume you performed adequately.


What I didn't like: To be honest, I felt the climax and denouement was a bit anticlimactic, but I didn't really mind as this was a more thought-provoking story. You have a solid style, and I don't really have an glaring criticisms.

Overall, you write well, and I look forward to reviewing more of your writings. It was a pleasure.

*Castleleft*A Knightly Review from Sir Various*Castleright*


Respectfully yours,

Sir Various


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review of The UPS Blues  
Review by Sir Various
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Ken,

Thought I'd stop by real quick and leave a comment on this piece. I think I've reviewed for you before, 'cause I definitely remember your bioblock, or maybe it was a merit badge, I can't remember.

Regardless, I was clicking through the random thingy and this popped up. What caught my immediately was of course your UPS picture; I mean, c'mon, why wouldn't it. So I did a quick glance through, and I noticed you had a song. I was originally a music major my first time around in college, and I used to write some songs for a little band I was in. This piece is the first song I've ran into here on WDC, and I'd like to say I really enjoyed it.

I spent the first few minutes trying to rock it out so I could get a feel for it, then when I got to the end I saw it was for a Country prompt. Curse you! I had a great little jam going on in my head, but now I can't get Garth out. That's alright, cause all music is wonderful (except the screaming crud, and most of the rap about guns/drugs/booty).

Anyways, I really digged it, so I'll shoot you a nice high rating for boosting my evening up.

Sir Various


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review by Sir Various
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi S.S., Welcome to WDC!

I liked your little set of thoughts. Plenty of times I felt this way in school when I was younger. I had the biggest thing for a girl I knew named Christy. Oh, I loved her so much, at least as much as my young so young mind knew. I think every single one of your lines here were things I thought. She liked to write, I remember, and she stopped to be a cheerleader. I knew if I had just talked to her, especially about her writings, maybe we could have spent some time at the library doing what really mattered, but instead I clamped up tight and let her go on and be popular.

Your words really hit home. Thank you for letting me read them.

Sir Various


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review of Mine  
Review by Sir Various
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Castleleft*A Knightly Review*Castleright*


Hello Sir Various ! A Knightly Review from Sir Various.


This review is entirely my opinion, and I will do my best to be honest and straightforward. If you wish to discuss any part, I am quite happy to do so. Please feel free to ignore or use anything in this review as you see fit.

Story: An object entices the main character to possess it.


Impression: Short and simple! I liked this story, it had a little twist I wasn't expecting, and that was the age of the narrator. You instantly went into action by having her take the item, phrasing it in a way that showed she didn't care about the bad aspects, just that it was hers and needed to bet taken. I like the descriptions of her reverence when she places it with her other items, and liked the use of "deathly important" showing exactly how deeply she 'needs' the item. Also, by adding in the mention of 'legally purchased items', you make the reader aware that she knows it was illegal.

It finished a bit anticlimactic, but that's okay, as her last line of "don't go looking for trouble" was a nice finish, as we know they could be very well doing something bad, such as she has done her whole life. It's ironic that she would say that, admonishing them to not do something bad when she does something herself.

Not too shabby.


Grammar: Misspelled 'yo-you' & 'cheep' at the beginning, and a second 'yo-you' in the last sentence of paragraph 1. 'Excursive' in paragraph 2 I would change to 'Excursion'. Paragraph 3 I would suggest 'to the door' instead of 'on the door'


What I didn't like: As I stated, I thought the last half the story was anticlimactic, but it's fine. The story is short and sweet, and really it turned out pretty good. Thanks for letting me read it.

*Castleleft*A Knightly Review from Sir Various*Castleright*


Respectfully yours,

Sir Various


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review of falling to rest  
Review by Sir Various
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Castleleft*A Knightly Review*Castleright*


Sir Various


Hello ElaineElaine ! A Knightly Review from Sir Various.


This review is entirely my opinion, and I will do my best to be honest and straightforward. If you wish to discuss any part, I am quite happy to do so. Please feel free to ignore or use anything in this review as you see fit.

Hi, Elaine. I'm a novice writer, working on reviewing. As a Rising Star, I've been working on reviewing other Rising Stars. I feel I've developed enough to try moving outside my comfort zone. You and this poem get to be my vicim. Now, I am not much for poetry. I don't think it's for me. That's why I'm going to review a poem anyways. So, please bear with me as I stumble through this review. *Smile*

Story: Hmm, a dialogue between two..entities? You and the universe? Not sure, although you did say 'The universe and me"


Impression: I really liked this. I liked it a lot. Structured poems with meter and rhythm really make me twinge when I try to read one constructively. I'm more comfortable with looser style, like this poem. I really enjoyed the conversation. I pictured the conversation easily, the emotion of the rebellious responder. It seemed almost like a parent and a child, which I can see the Universe considering a person as such. I kind of got the impression that this may have been a bit of dialogue a person might have in that little half-lidded haze just before sleep, where the mind just wanders around. Such a simple poem, simple words, and it evoked a lot of emotive imagery. Very nice.


Grammar: Irrelevant. I do like how you made each line an effective sentence with your addition of punctuation. I feel it added to the dialogue.


What I didn't like: Nothing! I loved it.

Well that wasn't so bad! Thanks for letting me look over your item. Feel free to contact me if you want to discuss anything in the review, I don't mind at all.

Thanks again, Elaine!


*Castleleft*A Knightly Review from Sir Various*Castleright*


Respectfully yours,

Sir Various


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review of The Swift  
Review by Sir Various
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, CeruleanSon. My name is Sir Various . I have recently become a Rising Star, with A E Willcox as my sponsor. At her recommendation, I have chosen you to be my first review, and I chose this story of yours. Now, I'm incredibly intimidated by reviewing, but I will try hard to be honest and straightforward. Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns. I don't mind discussion at all. Please forgive my lack of a template, I have yet to fashion one.

Story: Nice little steampunk story. I have some interest in steampunk, and I have to admit this is my first one, although I am familiar with the genre. So here you have a superhero, damaged by a fight, after an evil genious professor, who has stolen a valuable item, as well as holding the hero's girlfriend hostage. Very straightforward. Nothing wrong with that, and you did it well.


Story Impressions: You have a "superhero" introduced immediately at a disadvantage due to his crash. I liked how you introduced The Swift and described him and his attire by using his character to check for damage. Showing, not telling, something I am still working on. I liked the story. Your attention to detail and descriptions were done well, and I had no problems visualizing anything. It feels episodic however, which is fine, but I definitely felt like this had a before and after stories.

Grammar: I'm reluctant to comment on grammar, positive or negative, as I know I personally need a lot of work. I will say I didn't see any real problems. Your style tends to have sentences that border on runon sentences; this does not bother me, as my style is very similar. I did notice some commas after a few dialogue tags, such as:

“Reg, hail the gunship,” the Swift said, gritting his teeth in frustration, “ask them to stand down. Over.”

Would not a period after FRUSTRATION, with a new sentence at "Ask/ be the correct way? This occurs a lot in your story, so I am curious if that is correct or not. It's nitpicking really, as I had to stretch to find anything wrong, which is good. Good job. *Smile*

What I didn't like: I liked it all really. I did feel it was a bit unclear who Icarus Byrne was at the end. Yes, obviously it is the Swift's alter ego, however, there wasn't much of a transition, and I personally thought another character had arrived the first time through the story. It's really not a big deal, I just thought I'd mention that.

I hope this review is alright, and maybe you can get something from it that's helpful. Please feel free to email me if you have any questions or comments. I look forward to reviewing another item of yours soon. *Smile*

Respectfully yours,

Sir Various
13
13
Review by Sir Various
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is actually unusual to review. You did title it, and throw in a disclaimer, but it's not truly a short story. I can immediately see the story in it, and it has potential. I hope you can develop it further.

I'll ignore grammar, is this is basically a dialogue with the reader. You're explaining a personal real-life emotion and history, and I feel grammar is irrelevant. I did notice that you have great spelling, and I like how you have no qualms about using foul language to express a particular emotion. I have no issues with language, and in fact, I actually (this will sound odd) enjoy creating fictional foul language styles for my worlds.

I like your general descriptive word usage as well. You have used words like livid, facade, and similar to express yourself. I also like how you use italics to emphasize certain words. I am a fan of italicizing to enunciate a point, as a lot of novice writers I've noticed tend to capitalize instead.

Nice Gotye reference, I enjoy that song immensely.

Overall, in summary, I actually appreciate you posting something like this publically. While it's not, as I stated, a fictional short story, it is still a brave step in expression.

Keep expressing yourself, you're doing good. :)

Sir Various
14
14
Review of King Tut  
Review by Sir Various
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Good job! Way better than mine. It was fully set up as a nice and quick three line story with a little punch at the end. Humorous and succinct.
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