OPENING PARAGRAPH:
Effective, containing action and consequence instead of exposition and description. It succeeds in pulling the reader into the story.
POINT OF VIEW:
Use of third person, limited works here.
STRUCTURE:
Your prose is a good mixture of description, characterization, dialogue, and action. It is easy to follow and read.
PACING:
The story moves along fine. Consider the few revisions I suggested to increase your pacing.
CHARACTERIZATION:
The priest is portrayed as a sympathetic figure, even though we don't learn that until the eighth paragraph. Consider moving that paragraph like I suggested to bring his nature to us as soon as possible.
LANGUAGE:
Your writing skills are fine, word-choice superior.
DESCRIPTION:
Ample descriptions without the dreaded "info-dump" or clunky exposition. If anything, there is not quite enough, here. But addition is easier than subtraction, usually.
AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
Depending on your structure for the remainder of the work, you may consider fleshing out this chapter, adding more characterization and setting, pulling us even deeper into the world. There is a lot going on here, and as a reader I would not mind to learn a little more about the church, its priest, this Lord Blackstone, and the mysterious book.
FAVORITE PASSAGES:
"Decorating the rich, leather-bound cover were intricate swirls of inlaid gold that glimmered like unearthly flickers of flame as his fingers brushed across the cover."
--This tells me that you know how to write. Wonderful sentence.
SPECIFIC EDITING SUGGESTIONS:
***Note: In an effort to provide the best editing I can, I have adopted the format of copying and pasting your story and adding comments as needed. My comments will appear in (( )), while specific editing suggestions will appear in [[ ]].
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A light sleeper, Father Phinnius Benedict opened his eyes in response to a noise out on the street. He rose stiffly from the hard, straight-backed pew where he dozed and listened intently. Could it be the carriage? Prompted by the memory of last night's tears shed by frantic parents who feared for their daughter's life, he brought a hand to his forehead and whispered, “Not again, Lord."
Consider revising to: [[A light sleeper, Father Phinnius Benedict opened his eyes in response to a noise out in the street. He rose stiffly from the hard, straight-backed pew where he dozed and listened intently. Could it be the carriage? Prompted by the memory of last night's tears, shed by frantic parents who feared for their daughter's life, he brought a hand to his forehead and whispered, “Not again, Lord."]]
The sound to which he awoke became louder. Jangling harnesses and the ominous clatter of hooves on cobblestones confirmed his suspicion.
Seeking financial assistance, the father of thirteen-year-old Rebecca Gardner left the church the previous evening with nothing more than the priest's blessing and a grieving wife. Because they were unable to pay the tax levied by Lord Henry Blackstone, Rebecca’s parents reluctantly agreed that she would serve him until they paid their debt. What choice did they have? If they failed to comply, they would both be imprisoned, tortured, and executed.
Before Rebecca, within the past three months, four other children in the tiny hamlet boarded the black carriage for the journey to the castle. All four were returned to the church in a matter of days . . . none alive.
Consider revising to: [[Before Rebecca, four other children in the tiny hamlet had boarded the black carriage for the journey to the castle within the past three months. All four were returned to the church in a matter of days . . . none alive.
Outside, the dreaded carriage came to a halt as the driver pulled back on the reins and shouted, "Whoa there, you two. That's enough!" Seemingly grateful for the rest, the dark steeds nickered and snorted dragon-like plumes of misty vapor into the chilled air.
Consider revising to: [[nickered and snorted dragon-like, plumes of misty vapor into the chilled air.]]
The priest bowed his head and prayed, his hands tightly clasped. “How long, oh Lord, must we beseech thee? We have no means by which we might resist or overthrow Lord Blackstone. We pray thee to remove this abomination from our midst before another innocent soul is harmed.”
((This paragraph may be more effective re-inserted as the third. The priest is already beginning his prayer at the end of the first and the second provides sense-description. This is the heart of the conflict of the initial setting. As a reader, I want to know this as soon as possible. Up until now, I wasn't sure what type of person the priest was. This speaks to his nature; again, something I want to know as soon as possible.))
The hinges of the church's heavy wooden doors groaned as they swung open to reveal Blackstone’s vassal, Albert Bigge. A tall man, Albert carried Rebecca's limp body in his powerful arms as if she weighed no more than a small goat. He bent down, gently laying her on the floor as one might place an infant in a crib so as not to wake it. When he arose, he confronted Father Benedict.
((Just an idea, but instead of "goat," what about "lamb?" It gives me more of a sense of sacrifice.))
“There's been an accident." Albert spat out the rehearsed words for which he obviously had no taste. "Lord Blackstone instructed me to deliver her body for proper burial.” He turned to leave, evidently not wishing to hear the priest's words of condemnation, but stopped and added, “Tell the girl's father his debt is paid.”
Shaking his fist, Father Benedict shouted, "Inform Lord Blackstone that he, too, must pay a debt! He'll pay for his transgressions, he will - either in this life or the next!"
Father Benedict knelt, hoping to find even the faintest flutter of life in the young girl's chest. He felt nothing, no heartbeat, no warmth. Heartsick, he recited her last rites, hoping that her immortal soul might still be within her. When he stood, he stared down at her cherubic face. He remembered baptizing her. Vividly, he recalled her sweet smile and wept bitter tears of frustration.
((Good paragraph. Consider revising: "Father Benedict knelt, hoping to find the faintest flutter of life in the young girl's chest." by removing "even."))
After closing the doors, the priest made his way through the church's dark hallway to the sleeping quarters and summoned two monks. He instructed them to prepare the body and when done, to fetch the girl's parents. When they took Rebecca away, Father Benedict approached the altar and fell to his knees. Again, he prayed for guidance and divine intervention.
Consider revising to: [[ After closing the doors, the priest made his way through the church's dark hallway to the sleeping quarters where he awakened two monks. Returning with them to Rebecca's body, he gave instructions to prepare her for burial, and when done, to fetch the girl's parents.]]
When he opened his eyes and raised his head, he beheld a large book. Where did it come from? Who brought it, and when? Decorating the rich, leather-bound cover were intricate swirls of inlaid gold that glimmered like unearthly flickers of flame as his fingers brushed across the cover. Startled, he gasped, stood, and instinctively stepped back.
Consider revising to: [[When he opened his eyes and raised his head, he beheld a large book. Decorating the rich, leather-bound cover were intricate swirls of inlaid gold that glimmered like unearthly flickers of flame as his fingers brushed across them. Startled, he gasped, stood, and instinctively stepped back. What had it come from?]]
What manner of book is this? he wondered. He considered calling out for someone to come and verify what he saw, but thought better of it. He rubbed his eyes, which burned from too little sleep. Could the vision be associated with some malady caused by lack of rest? Might the strange glow have been an illusion, or perhaps the product of my imagination?
"Open it," a voice inside his head commanded.
"Who speaks?" Wide-eyed, the priest scanned his surroundings, thinking perhaps one of the monks had returned.
"He to whom you pray, Father Benedict." Again, the priest clearly heard the deep and powerful voice within his mind. In the dim light provided by burning candles and reflective sconces, Father Benedict turned slowly, squinting as he peered into each corner of the assembly room where he shared the lessons of The Lord.
"Open the book, Phinnius. The Book is the instrument of dispatch for which you have prayed."
The priest 's eyes focused first upon the large book and moved to the carved wooden figure behind the altar of Christ nailed upon the cross. The cross glowed as if on fire, but was not consumed. Thoughts of Moses and the burning bush flashed across the priest's mind. "Have I lost all ability to reason? Am I to believe I converse with The Creator?" he asked.
A silky smooth, second voice materialized, "The Creator . . . and a collaberator." Less intimidating and not as deep as the first, the new voice seemed friendlier, perhaps more beguiling.
((Spelling: "collaborator"))
Father Benedict pressed his palms against the sides of his head and gasped. "An angel, you must be."
"Nay, I am no angel," the second voice admitted. "At least, not anymore. Consider me as an interested party in a collaberative venture."
((Spelling: "collaborative"))
"An interested party?" Father Benedict seemed befuddled.
"Absolutely," the second voice replied. "Someone interested in collecting the souls of the damned."
Still struggling with the meaning behind the message, the priest sought further clarification. "A collaberative venture?"
"Phinnius," the first voice rumbled. "The Book we have sent to you is The Book of Judgment. It contains the names and deeds of the damned."
The second voice said, "Lord Blackstone is to celebrate the date of his birth this weekend. We need you to attend the party to make sure that this book is delivered to him as a gift."
"But," the priest objected. "I've not been invited to the celebration."
"Leave that to us," the second voice replied. "Now, get some sleep. You have a funeral to conduct and you need your strength."
_____________________________
Keep writing and improving. Your story is worthy! Thanks for letting me read it!
Regards,
Patrick
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
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