*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/picodoll
Review Requests: ON
601 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I am a published author. That doesn't make me an expert reviewer but it does means I've learned a few things about good writing. You can expect me to critique storytelling, character development, plot, transitions and other building blocks of writing. I will point out grammar and punctuation issues when I notice them but if you are looking for someone to give that kind review, there are others who will do far better than I. I try to be honest and encouraging but if you're requesting a review, I'm sure you expect it to be thorough. Good reviews sometimes hurt. I can't spare you that and give you an honest review.
I'm good at...
Critiquing your storytelling skills, especially first chapter reviews. I'm also good at building believable characters and recognizing good dialogue. I can review whole novels but my time is limited and it has to be worth my while.
Favorite Genres
Action adventure, comedy, historical, sci-fi and well-conceived fantasy.
Least Favorite Genres
Horror, Erotica, LGBTQ, Poetry. Some of this I don't like at all while the rest I am wholly inadequate to give a review on.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, first chapters, and complete novels if they are not astronomically long.
Least Favorite Item Types
Extremely long novels, poetry, random chapters from the middle of a longer story.
I will not review...
Horror or Erotica. I will also not give reviews on random middle chapters. I don't believe they can be adequately reviewed out of context. Please don't ask me to review Vampire or Zombie stories. The sub-genre has been beaten to death and I don't want to read another one.
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ... Next
1
1
Review of A Single Key  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

*ExclaimY* First Impressions:

I spent a lot of time thinking about this one because there are some issues I was reacting to that I couldn't quite put my finger on. I think I've got a handle on it. For the most part this is very well written but it needs some work.

*SuitHeart* My Favorite Elements:

Father and son butting heads. It's a little cliche but it works for a lot of writers so why not you. I think it's relatable.

*FacePalm* Suggestions:

I can picture your first paragraph as a movie shot. As a movie, it would be an effective start. As a written piece it doesn't work. You have to hook your reader in the first few sentences. There is no hook in your first paragraph. An editor would put it down. Your hook in the story is the conflict. You have to get into that before the main character starts playing with his keys. An editor will have the following thoughts: The main character is twirling his keys nervously. Should I care? Now he's dragging his feet. I haven't got a reason to care yet. He just pocketed his keys. Why should I keep reading? Not trying to be harsh but this is the thought process you're up against.

There are a number of times through the piece where I find that there is description that, while excellent description, is not enhancing the conflict. In fact, I find it distracting from the focus of the story. I find that the story is coming in and out of focus for me. When you revise this I would suggest taking out some of the description or shortening it to see if it reads better.

*Clapper* Overall:

Overall this is good so don't be discouraged. I just think addressing the issues I've noted would make this so much better.

Keep on writing!

Pico *CountryCA*



Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guestbook. Reviews are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

*ExclaimY* First Impressions:

I think this is a very good bit of romance writing. My focus is mostly on short and long stories so to me this is a scene rather than a story.

*SuitHeart* My Favorite Elements:

There is a lot to like here. I like the series of vignette type flashbacks. It's very effective. I like the overall emotional tone you built throughout. I also like the free-form poem ending.

*FacePalm* Suggestions:

My first point is not a criticism. Is there more you wanted to do with this? I think the goal was to accomplish a mood and you did that. For a reader like myself though I don't want to have a lot of unanswered questions. This has the potential to be taken.

My beef with this piece is summed up in one word: Adverbs. For a professional writer adverbs (words ending in "ly") are poison. You have a lot of them, especially at the beginning. I use them in dialogue but try to weed them out everywhere else. Sometimes just deleting them doesn't hurt but in your case here it will mess with the rhythm of your sentences. I'm sure it can be rephrased and keep that element in place.

*Clapper* Overall:

Your skill as a writer is quite advanced. I think you have the ability you just have to keep striving to get better.

Keep on writing!

Pico *CountryCA*



Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guestbook. Reviews are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

*ExclaimY* First Impressions:

I read this right after receiving the review request and thought to mull it over for a day. When I came back, I almost thought I clicked the wrong link and stumbled into a different story. Really threw me for a minute.

The main issue I noted in that first reading has been addressed. This leaves me with mostly nitpicks.

The story does resonate with me more with the new additions. I grew up in the Niagara Falls area on the Canadian side but my dad had a thing for camping in the Finger Lakes every summer. I remember as a kid going fishing above the dam at Buttermilk Falls. My mind's eye finds it easy to envision upstate New York.

*SuitHeart* My Favorite Elements:

Even after the first reading, I could see storytelling ability. That's probably the one thing almost impossible to teach. Anything else can be fixed. The story sounds plausible enough.

*FacePalm* Suggestions:

One thing not mentioned is that Martin Heller must have had connections to the mob himself and must have paid well to play that rough. Why would they waste another of their escorts to kill him and have the girl take the fall for it? Makes no sense to me. Maybe a plot hole, I don't know. I haven't read more than this item.

When Katharine is introduced, I think the writing is too detached. I know she can't remember anything but your readers know that. I would start the paragraph with her first and last name instead of just she. I don't like to give even a hint of an excuse for a reader to put the book down at this point in the story.

Last, nitpick. Why would her lawyer shorten her friend's name down to Lizabeth? I think it would work better to use Elizabeth in this instance.

*Clapper* Overall:

I think this is an excellent read. I revised my rating upward while I was writing this. I think there is a lot of potential here.

Keep on writing!

Pico *CountryCA*



Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review of Mother Knows ...  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

*ExclaimY* First Impressions:

I picked this up off random reviews and had a little chuckle, just picturing someone wearing just a scarf to avoid being indecent.

*SuitHeart* My Favorite Elements:

Easily that last line in the story.

*FacePalm* Suggestions:

I gave myself a minor cut doing some carving work last evening and the word welt would in no way describe the result. I would consider rephrasing that.

*Clapper* Overall:

This was an enjoyable little read. Glad a stumbled across it this morning. Great job.

Keep on writing!

Pico *CountryCA*



Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

*ExclaimY* First Impressions:

Not really my genre but the writing, character development, and story telling are superior. You hook the reader right at the beginning. I'm not left with much to critique.

*SuitHeart* My Favorite Elements:

The story is really well told.

*FacePalm* Suggestions:

On my initial reading, I honestly didn't notice anything and was considering giving you one of my rare 5-star ratings and gifting you back the gps offered. I did run some search scans and found a couple of nitpicks though.

There is a school of thought when it comes to writing that requires the word 'was' to be eliminated. You have a lot of them, especially in one particular paragraph. If I were you I would try to write them out as much as possible.

Same thing goes for adverbs. You don't have as many of those but most of them can be gotten rid of without hurting the story or the mood. I have no objection to keeping the ones that occur within dialogue. Real people use adverbs when they speak.

*Clapper* Overall:

This is really well written. The storytelling is so good that it almost masks the minor issues that I pointed out. Excellent work though. I've read published work that wasn't this good.

Keep on writing!

Pico *CountryCA*



Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review of The Autumn Orange  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

*ExclaimY* First Impressions:

I think this first chapter has potential but I don't like how it opens. The whole scenario is good but you can't tell the rest of the story from this perspective.

*SuitHeart* My Favorite Elements:

The setting here has great imagery and can make this a superior first chapter. So much symbolism and foreshadowing can be started here and run right through your novel.

*FacePalm* Suggestions:

"The two drifters sat on their crates, one to each side of him, completely dumbfounded. They could not wrap their heads around the story just spun between them." A real editor would put this down and not pick it back up. You have those first couple sentences and maybe your first small paragraph to grab a reader's attention. There is no hook here or anywhere in your first paragraph (blurb doesn't count). You go from these two sentences to describe three guys that I'm not sure I should give a care about. I'm not trying to be harsh but if you have any dreams of having this published by a real publisher you need to fix this. Davis is potentially interesting out of the gate but it's up to you to grab your reader.

You'll hear this a million times from peer reviewers, "show don't tell". You've kind of set yourself up to tell in this first paragraph for the whole of the novel. You don't really end up doing that but at least avoid setting that type of an expectation.

I don't know how you've written the rest of the story but I will say that you can't stay around the campfire with the bums after this chapter. You have to go back in time and tell the story in real time. You can return to this setting for the end of the story. It would bookend your novel beautifully.

*Clapper* Overall:

Great potential but this needs work. I've tried to lay out what I see as most important and hope that you find it helpful if not encouraging.

Keep on writing!

Pico *CountryCA*



Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review of MR. KWAKU  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

*ExclaimY* First Impressions:

I know this is flash fiction and I'm trying not to be too harsh. My initial reaction was that the prose was clunky and didn't draw me in. On the other hand, this with work could be a good piece because a lot of good things are there.

*SuitHeart* My Favorite Elements:

You mention the loss of Joshua's best friend right at the start. This is an opportunity to draw the reader in and get them to invest in your hero. Your story shows no reaction at all. I would assume it is important to the story but you leave it all to the reader to figure out.

The sequence and listing of events would be compelling if they were clearly connected together.

*FacePalm* Suggestions:

Transitions in this piece are very abrupt. There is no real lead into any element of the story. Basically we the readers are given points and it is entirely up to us to relate them together. Even the transformation from green-eyed monster to Mr. Kwaku is left up to the reader. We don't "see" it.

Joshua was killed by a fall in his bedroom. How did that work? Might make more sense if he jumped out the window to fly - but that would have been ruled a suicide - like the little girl - and maybe Glenn.

*Clapper* Overall:

I think all the pieces of the story relate and can make for a compelling story but as it is it doesn't work without some work. I hope this is helpful.

Keep on writing!

Pico *CountryCA*



Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

*ExclaimY* First Impressions:

There is a lot to like in this short story. My review, however, will be focusing on this being part of a novel. The quality of the writing is technically excellent. I would weed out a few adverbs but would otherwise leave that aspect alone. You start off with a good hook and work through the story from there. While this is science fiction genre wise, it does stick to the plausible and possible.

*SuitHeart* My Favorite Elements:

The idea of colonizing other planets in our solar system fascinates me and probably a lot of other readers.

You give us what we need as readers as far as building this future world without overdoing the description. In this regard, you've laid an important cornerstone for a possible novel. I think this is where most of your fans see the potential for turning this into a novel.

*FacePalm* Suggestions:

Your protagonist is Nathan Marcus. He is the only character in your short story that is fully fleshed out. As he is portrayed he is good enough to carry five chapter but not a novel length story. Good protagonists spend at least some time in hell. It's rare to find a good novel lead that hasn't got some painful backstory. We usually give them more pain as the story progresses. Nathan is almost there but we need that little bit more to go for a longer ride with him.

In real life, the guy who does the planning isn't usually the one who implements this kind of plan but this is a book and he can and you'll get away with it.

From there you need a larger more developed cast. One guy is not likely to cut it especially with a story premise this big.

There is no real conflict in this story as it is written. This is a minor problem in five chapters. It will loom huge in a novel. I'm not saying you have to create an uber evil villain. Colonizing Mars would be an epic struggle with nature the way it is. If you are going to turn this into a book though you have to be aware of the conflict and use it to keep you readers with you. You will at the very minimum need to inject some of it into what you've already written with well-placed foreshadowing.

*Clapper* Overall:

I think the potential for a novel is here but it isn't as simple as just writing more. Hope this has been helpful.

Keep on writing!

Pico *CountryCA*



Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review of Mushrooms to AI  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

*ExclaimY* First Impressions:

"Informal musings" and you end up with what amounts to a short informal article. As far as that goes, I thought it was a little odd but on the other hand good enough.

*SuitHeart* My Favorite Elements:

The thread of logic running from beginning to end. I didn't have any difficulty following your train of thought.

*FacePalm* Suggestions:

Your title doesn't do anything for me or anyone else I foisted it on. I think you need something that might lead people to read it. I think a "why" or a "how" title might fit that. A good title needs to draw people in while the article itself delivers the goods.

For polishing, you might do a little adverb weeding too. Adverbs are words ending in "ly" and can usually just be deleted without changing the meaning. A lot of writers and editors will encourage their almost total elimination.

*Clapper* Overall:

I thought this wasn't a bad rough draft for an article. For your rating, I only docked you for the title and the nitpicks. Hope this is helpful.

Keep on writing!

Pico *CountryCA*



Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
for entry "Chapter Four
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (2.0)
This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

*ExclaimY* First Impressions:

This has to be the leanest first four chapters of a book that I have ever read. Part of me is hesitant to review this for fear of discouraging you. On the other hand, I see a potentially interesting plot and a lot of other building blocks for a good book. You also seem to indicate that this story is part of a complete first draft manuscript. That's a lot of work already done.

*SuitHeart* My Favorite Elements:

We have a plot. We have a cast of potentially good characters. Instead of throwing everything at you at once including nitpicks this is what I'll focus on.

*FacePalm* Suggestions:

We're four chapters in and I don't know what your characters look like never mind anything else about them. A reader needs to know enough about the characters from the beginning to care about what happens to them. They all look potentially good but we need at least snippets of description and backstory to help us understand the motivation of the characters. If that could be added here, it would make this a much better read.

*Clapper* Overall:

Don't be discouraged. I don't see anything here that cannot be fixed if you put the time and work into it. Consider yourself at the beginning of a writing journey. There is a lot to learn along the way. I do see potential here. One little nitpick just for me. Please add a blank line between paragraphs. It improves readability considerably. Many of us find solid blocks of text difficult to read.

Keep on writing!

Pico *CountryCA*



Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review of The Dentist  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

*ExclaimY* First Impressions:

Struck a cord with me as I read through this. Our youngest went to the dentist the first time and this particular man wasn't good with children. The experience was harrowing for him. We found a different dentist and it has since gone well.

*SuitHeart* My Favorite Elements:

Very obviously from a child's perspective and in that regard it is excellent. I know how Jem feels.

*FacePalm* Suggestions:

The first two paragraphs are disconcertingly static. I'm having a little trouble nailing this down for you. Most of the verbs used are actionless. It isn't just "was" and "had" but also "wanted", "realized", "hoped" to name just a few. It isn't that they're bad of and by themselves but all together they make the start of this less engaging than it could be.

In the same vein, your first two sentences have the same structure. Normally that wouldn't even catch my eye but combined with the other issue mentioned it really hurts this piece.

*Clapper* Overall:

I know this is flash fiction and it is a contest entry and I'm trying to be helpful. I liked this bit of writing. The subject matter is excellent, the point of view is appropriate. Outside of what I've mentioned, this is good work and I liked it. Keep up the great work.

Keep on writing!

Pico *CountryCA*



Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

*ExclaimY* First Impressions:

I read the first paragraph and asked myself if I wanted to keep reading. I decided to go ahead and enjoyed your work. I like well written fantasy but I'm not a big fan of the genre. Maybe because I've read a lot of badly written fantasy. This was well done.

*SuitHeart* My Favorite Elements:

The bit of humour this was written with. The story line flowed logically. There was conflict and drama.

*FacePalm* Suggestions:

Where I struggled a bit was at the beginning. Fantasy invariably throws up a lot of questions, especially in a short piece, or it spends way too much time explaining things. Some of the questions my mind was asking at the beginning, I wasn't sure I wanted to have answered. Gurlocks sounds "Ewww!" and I wasn't sure I wanted to know more about them. Not quite sure how to fix that or even if it needs to be.

*Clapper* Overall:

Great work. I enjoyed reading it.

Keep on writing!

Pico *CountryCA*



Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review of Contagious  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

*ExclaimY* First Impressions:

This is a nice concise piece of advice writing for starting off the new year. As it is written it is technically quite good. Good advice for anyone.

*SuitHeart* My Favorite Elements:

It was well organized. The points were complete and nothing was beaten to death.

*FacePalm* Suggestions:

This is not flash fiction. There is no story, no characters, no conflict, no resolution. I know you enter this contest regularly and do very well at it. It would be good to review the actual contest rules now and then.

*Clapper* Overall:

Don't get me wrong. The writing is good. I just don't think it was submitted in the right place.

Keep on writing!

Pico *CountryCA*



Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review of A Special Camera  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

*ExclaimY* First Impressions:

I liked this overall but think it needs a bit of work. All the basic elements are here and you obviously know how to write.

*SuitHeart* My Favorite Elements:

Setting the scene. You have painted a good word picture for such a short piece of work.

*FacePalm* Suggestions:

Opening I think would benefit from being reworked a little. In professional writing you generally have your first sentence or two to grab your reader. Your "hook" really doesn't come until the last sentence of your paragraph. That's a point of interest that should come right at the beginning.

Second to last paragraph "and the bandage visible her knee". Sounds like a word got skipped while you were writing this. Problem though is that you have exactly the max word count for this contest. Quick fix would be to lose a couple of your unnecessary adverbs (slightly, absolutely) and then add the missing word.

I'm in a bit of a mood so don't mind me. Your ending is rather abrupt. There is no foreshadowing leading up to that. I would try to work that in somewhere. Big challenge with this word count. Hope that's helpful.

*Clapper* Overall:

I liked this and think it has potential. Hope that I'm being more helpful than critical. Good luck in the contest.

Keep on writing!

Pico *CountryCA*



Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

*ExclaimY* First Impressions:

This was a delightful short piece of writing. Brilliantly executed. I thoroughly enjoyed it from beginning to end.

*SuitHeart* My Favorite Elements:

I like the way the story progressed right down to the final sentence.

*FacePalm* Suggestions:

I'm sure if I tried real hard I might find something to nitpick. I don't see any point in doing so.

*Clapper* Overall:

Great job. Look forward to seeing more of your work in the future.

Keep on writing!

Pico *CountryCA*



Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
Review of A Day to Remember  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (2.5)
This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

*ExclaimY* First Impressions:

I only score harshly when I see potential. I would love to learn to sail a boat (I'd like to build it first) and that kind of attracted me to your story. From a writing point of view there are several problem with this piece but most of it isn't that hard to fix.

*SuitHeart* My Favorite Elements:

The story has an identifiable beginning middle and end even though it is rather short. You have an excellent hook with the approaching storm and the obvious inexperience of the crew.

*FacePalm* Suggestions:

1) It would be more effective start with your hook to get your reader into the story. The description of the boat is better placed after that.

2) The way the ending is written it comes off as an anticlimax. To fix this I would have the couple spend a lot more time battling the storm or at least spend a lot more time talking about it. The struggle is what will make this interesting.

3) Not all the dialogue is believable. “I don’t like this,” hollered Bruce above the wind. “I have never seen seas like this!” This to me sounds cliche and not even real. It might have worked if there had been more of a build up to that point.

*Clapper* Overall:

The bones for a good piece of writing is here. My intention is not to discourage you. With some work it could be quite good.

Keep on writing!

Pico *CountryCA*



Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review of Think of Home  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

*ExclaimY* First Impressions:

Overall I think this is very readable and well written. A couple question marks do pop up along the way. The action sequence and the confusion is well portrayed. The dialogue is mostly believable.

*SuitHeart* My Favorite Elements:

The action sequence at the beginning and then the progression of the story. A lot of writers struggle to get anywhere near the level this is at.

*FacePalm* Suggestions:

First sentence his gun slips from his hands and there is no further mention of this event. In the middle of battle this is a big deal. No mention is made of him picking it back up so I suspect that he didn't actually drop it although that is what the wording implies. Hope he didn't get any dirt in the barrel. That really is a big deal and you should fix it. It doesn't make sense to me that a trained soldier could drop his weapon accidentally in this fashion.

Second issue for me is when you listed his injuries. How did he lose a lot of blood? The injuries are serious and painful but none of the ones you listed usually involve a great deal of blood loss. I think you have to get a severe laceration in there somewhere.

*Clapper* Overall:

I think this is excellent and only needs a bit of work to be spot on.

Keep on writing!

Pico *CountryCA*



Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
Review of Good morning!  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

*ExclaimY* First Impressions:

I don't usually review this type of writing but the lure of gift points is strong. While I haven't read a great deal, I have written a few stories for my wife and myself. This was in my opinion genuinely erotic and quite well written. I do see a couple of opportunities for improvement which I will list below.

*SuitHeart* My Favorite Elements:

Erotic but not smutty. Kept it classy. I appreciated that.

*FacePalm* Suggestions:

Adverbs are generally not considered a mark of good writing. In this sort of a scene I would expect a few. You went overkill on them in a few places. I would make an effort to weed most of them out. I think that could be done without harming the mood you created. It might even make it better.

Appealing to the five senses is rather important. Touch and sight make up the bulk of your description. There is some reference to hearing and I'd give you a pass on that sense as well. Taste is mentioned but not described at all. Smell is absent. I think there are plenty of opportunities in this to add those. It would make the scene come that much more alive.

*Clapper* Overall:

You're a talented writer and I think this vignette is everything it is supposed to be.

Keep on writing!

Pico *CountryCA*



Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

*ExclaimY* First Impressions:

This brings to mind a lot of not so warm memories. Been through a number of severe blizzards in my time. If it's that cold that a man with gloves has ten or fifteen minutes of time before frostbite sets in, the snow is just blowing around. I'm actually writing this review while taking a break from cutting, hauling and chopping firewood out in the snow. It's cold but actually a very nice day. I liked this because I could easily identify with it.

*SuitHeart* My Favorite Elements:

The description. I think it is very well done.

*FacePalm* Suggestions:

North of Fargo. I understand the technique being used and it was effective but by time I'd gotten into this piece I'd read it three times. I would delete the subheading at the beginning.

*Clapper* Overall:

Excellent work. Hope you do well in the contest.

Keep on writing!

Pico *CountryCA*



Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.
20
20
Review of Queen of Hearts  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

*ExclaimY* First Impressions:

This was a very well written crime story. It has all the elements a story like this should have. Excellent dialogue and description throughout. You appealed to most of the senses. A reference to smell could have been effective but won't fault you for that. I liked the story and the telling.

*SuitHeart* My Favorite Elements:

I liked the plot.

*FacePalm* Suggestions:

I'm kind of blah on the name of your protagonist and I'm not sure why. Didn't mark you down for that. Might be just my own personal thing.

I normally don't notice things like this but you did it in your first sentence. Passed should read past. Also just lose the adverb (purposefully). It adds nothing. You'll get away with stuff like that in the middle of the narrative but not in your opening.

I didn't notice anything else.

*Clapper* Overall:

Excellent work. Loved it. Definitely deserving of any praise you've been given.


Keep on writing!

Pico *CountryCA*



Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
21
21
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

*ExclaimY* First Impressions:

I thoroughly enjoyed this from start to finish. I did read in your bio about your love for Pittsburgh. It shines through in this story.

*SuitHeart* My Favorite Elements:

I find a lot of writers overdo description or do it badly. You added a lot of it but it is the part of the writing that I like the best. You painted pictures I could see in my minds eye. Bravo!

*FacePalm* Suggestions:

Many people frown on the use of adverbs. I noticed them but thought they worked.

Your father asks Sal if he sees that girl after his friend has already acknowledged her. Seems illogical but I can see a love struck man saying exactly that in this situation.

I honestly don't see anything wrong with this piece.

*Clapper* Overall:

Great job! May visit your port again when I have more time.

Keep on writing!

Pico *CountryCA*



Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
22
22
Review of Daydreamer  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

*ExclaimY* First Impressions:

One of the neighbours, when I was growing up, nicknamed me dreamer. I liked this story a lot especially the humorous twist at the end. I never got that exact speech from my parents growing up but did get a lot of very similar ones. I thought it was believably written.

*SuitHeart* My Favorite Elements:

The fact that in the end the daydreaming actually paid off for our protagonist.

*FacePalm* Suggestions:

I thought the title was okay but I honestly think that could be improved upon. There could be a little polishing here and there as well.

*Clapper* Overall:

Great story. I liked it. You might consider highlighting the contest prompt words by putting them in bold. It does help the judges. Good luck in the contest.

Keep on writing!

Pico *CountryCA*



Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
23
23
Review of Edible Fungi  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum

I am not a poet and have only rudimentary knowledge on the subject. I do think that poetry should have a general appeal that goes beyond lovers of poetry. For that reason I'm giving my opinion. It is just an opinion but I hope you find it helpful.

*Sun* Overall Impression:

As a youth I enthusiastically studied mycology for some reason or other. Just found it very interesting. Your opening line is a common myth. The majority of fungi in the wild are inedible that doesn`t mean they are poisonous. It`s been a long time but I seem to recall the percentage of poisonous species at something like ten to fifteen percent. Edible species were a slightly higher percentage. The rest were simply unpalatable but not poisonous. The danger is that some of the poisonous ones are extremely deadly and similar in appearance to the untrained eye as some of the more delicious species. A mistake is a horrible way to die as well. I`ve read the progression of symptoms. Personally I`ve collected and eaten a number of species and know them very well. They included Fairy Ring Mushrooms, Meadow Mushrooms, two species of ink cap, Oyster Mushrooms and Giant Puffballs.

Rant aside I enjoyed your poem.

*Castle* Structure:

Consistent rhyme scheme throughout although the rhythm didn`t really seem to be.

*Camera* Imagery:

Not really applicable in this case. This was more an education type poem. So I don`t see any fault here.

*ExclaimY* Suggestions:

I know it`s less dramatic but I`d fix the first line and possibly tinker with the rhythm some. The title was kind of bland but it did catch my eye.

*Clapper* Final Words:

A nice little poem on the subject. I enjoyed reading.

Keep on writing!

Pico *CountryCA*



Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
24
24
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

*Sun* First Impressions:

Can this really be defined as an essay? I wouldn't have called it that. On the other hand, I know the system here requires you to call it something. I would have just listed it as an opinion but that option isn't on the list. I found your opinion clearly stated, logical and concise. I have no argument with the content. The best way to avoid unwanted pregnancy is to prevent them from happening in the first place.

*Sun* My Favorite Elements:

I like the directness and the clarity.

*Sun* Suggestions:

If you want to turn this into a real essay, I would suggest expanding on the subject. Maybe add examples.

*Sun* Overall:

There is nothing wrong with the way you write or the style of your writing. Good work. Maybe we should ask the site to add opinion as a primary category. I certainly would have given it a higher score if that were the case.

Keep on writing!

Pico



Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
25
25
Review of The Marsh (Haiku)  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum

I am not a poet and have only rudimentary knowledge on the subject. I do think that poetry should have a general appeal that goes beyond lovers of poetry. For that reason I'm giving my opinion. It is just an opinion but I hope you find it helpful.

*Sun* Overall Impression:

I looked at several of your poems before deciding to go ahead and write a review of this one. I like the simplicity of it.

*Castle* Structure:

I'm not much of a poet and I am glad you included in the title the fact that this is a Haiku. This Japanese form has gained a great deal of popularity and you followed it flawlessly. Personally I would find it very difficult.

*Camera* Imagery:

Excellent.

*ExclaimY* Suggestions:

Here's a nitpick. Splender should be spelled splendor.

*Clapper* Final Words:

As a poet you are quite skilled at least from my perspective. Keep up the good work.

Keep on writing!

Pico *CountryCA*



Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
242 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 10 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/picodoll