This work is well done. I really enjoy the way you write dialog. The differences in their speaking gives the characters a unique texture without coming off as over-the-top or cartoonish, and also captures the time period. You do a good job of showing the characters emotions with body language rather than just dryly explaining them, and that does wonders for bringing them to life. It flows well, nothing slowed me up as I read. From the sample you've provided, I think this definitely publishable quality (but of course, I'm no publisher.)
I also appreciate your formatting, it looks very professional. I did notice the font changes after the first paragraph, but that doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. Plus, I know formatting on this site can be frustrating. I'm fairly new and haven't figured out how to stop it from deleting the tabs or spaces I put at the beginning of paragraphs. But you've proven it's possible, so now I've got to go back and figure out what I'm doing wrong.
Cole clearly knows the men the gangsters are looking for, and I'm curious to know how this mild-mannered gentleman minding his own business gets further wrapped up in the drama--and how he handles that shank when it inevitably comes into play. I enjoy your style, it's left me wanting more, so I look forward to reading more of your work. I'd be interested in picking up a copy of this book when it's finished.
Cool concept. I like that it explores the idea of a technological take-over without relying on the stereotypical killer robots. If this were to really happen, humanity's enemy would seemingly be everywhere and nowhere; omnipresent, yet invisible. Messing with our lives in subtle yet devastating ways makes it more anxiety inducing than a murderous robot invasion. That relatability gives it some seriously creepy potential if it were to be turned into a full-fledged novel. All and all: The writing is clear, the plot is straight forward, and the theme offers a look into human nature and our blind dependence on technology. So I say great work! Keep it up.
Some ideas for improvement:
My strongest suggestion is putting tabs at the start of every new paragraph to help keep them separate. Or an extra space between paragraphs. Something to help break them up and make it feel like like a big block of text.
Dialog is good overall, but one minor change I might suggest is that people don't usually say each other's names that much when conversing. Taking that out will make it feel more organic.
The February 2025 part about the thieves feels a bit unnecessary because you already explained the company had its prototypes stolen, and that section didn't really expand on that much. It didn't hurt or detract from the story, but it was somewhat redundant. If you wanted to keep it you could, but I might suggest adding a little more information in that section so it adds something we don't already know.
Finally, I would put these sections in chronological order so that it starts with the March 2025 part. Just like with the other advice, this didn't really hurt the story, and may come down to my personal preference for things going in order. This is easily the least important improvement, if it were a full-length novel it might matter more, but for a short piece like this, it's fine. Figured I'd throw it out there anyway.
Again I say great job! Especially for your second story. You're already doing well, and bound to get even better.
Awesome work! A good deal of suspense comes from the relatability you cultivate with the down-to-Earth narrator. You did a great job of expressing the rural vernacular without going overboard and sounding like a cartoon character. And a wonderful job capturing the wisdom of age while contrasting it with its decay.
This is really cool, I dig it. You do a great job of capturing the character of the planet they're stranded on. Showing the character's competence with stellar navigation contrasted against a complete inability to do anything with it sets a great stage for that final line of frustrated desperation.
Great writing; from just this excerpt, I'd be down to read more.
Breathtakingly beautiful!
I think you've captured true love masterfully. I'll admit I'm not that great with poetry, so I don't have much to offer in terms of advice for improvement. But if that was your first attempt from 2008, then you've certainly only gone up from there.
The connection to the divine is awesome. It was a small part, but I've got a personal bias for love being connected by the sea (metaphorically, anyway.)
It reads like you wrote from your soul, and that's what writing's all about.
There is great wisdom in these words, thank you for sharing them.
For as much as people avoid being alone, I believe it's sacred. I feel like you've experienced that yourself, and have expressed it wonderfully. In my experience, it seems like loneliness and lots of time spent alone is common amongst writers. I've have a piece that I've been working on about loneliness, and yours has inspired me to get back to work on it so I can share it with this community of writers. Hopefully it can reach the right audience, and help those who need it.
Keep sharing you wonderful wisdom with the world.
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