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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/puppetmaster84
Review Requests: ON
10 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I will say what I liked about your piece and if I have any suggestions for improvement. My reviews are usually short, sweet and to the point. I prefer to review short stories but will look at poetry if asked to.
I'm good at...
finding mistakes with grammar/punctuation. Also I can let you know if your plot is effective.
Favorite Genres
Religious, romance, sci-fi, fantasy
Least Favorite Genres
erotica, horror, sports
Favorite Item Types
Statics - short stories
I will not review...
anything overly sexual or violent, anything anti-Christian
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Undiscovered  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Octavius, PM here to review your story.

Getting eaten alive by bugs is a good premise for a horror story. It's creepy in a good way. Just a few technical things:

“We did it baby!” (There should be a comma after "it")

“I know it seems a little- (There should be a closing pair of quotation marks after "little-")

“Gurl, you’ll never discover anything new sitting at this desk job” (there should be a period after "job".)

“Oh, no” she wailed,( There should be an exclamation mark after "no".)

“Help” Terij’s voice called in a low, desperate tone. (There should be an exclamation point after "Help".)

“Where, is she?” (No comma is needed here)

You change between past to present tense a couple of times. It would be better to keep the story in one tense or the other. Examples:

Samantha presses the brake pedal and slowed the Prius to a halt ("presses" should be "pressed" assuming you keep it in past tense)

onto a mushroom that shoot white spores into her face ("shoot" should be "shot" here)

It's a good premise. With some technical things fixed it could be a great story.

I hope you find this helpful.

~ PM
2
2
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, PM here to review your story.

Wow! This is brilliant. I love how you tie the present arguments to the ancient biblical story. I also love how you discover towards the end what it really is. My one criticism is that they wouldn't have had cell service back then. Otherwise, perfect.

~ PM
3
3
Rated: E | (5.0)
Such a beautiful tribute. I am sorry for your loss. ~ PM
4
4
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Austin, PM here to review your piece.

I like the idea here. It's romantic and beautiful.

I see you have this listed as flash fiction but it reads more like a poem to me. I don't see a plot. I would flesh it out a bit and add a few dialogue tags. You don't need one with every line but adding an occasional one would clarify who is speaking when and make it easier to follow.

Also I would replace one of the words, "air" in the first line since having two of them is a little redundant. You could use "breeze" "atmosphere" or any other synonym.

This has the potential to be a gorgeous love story. I think it would be if you flesh it out some and elaborate. Thanks for sharing.

PM
5
5
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello, PM here to return the favor of a good review. This is a beautiful testimony. You have done a great job of summarizing the Christian faith, of which I am a fellow believer. I learned that He had 12 disciples instead of 13. May God bless you, my sister in Christ. ~ PM
6
6
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, PM here to return the favor of a review. This is interesting, and a good start to your novel.

Being a photography major your title drew me in. I was expecting there to be more content about actually photographing the Wyvern. Maybe you touch on this in later installments?

My only edit would be this sentence:

"The monster I'm going on a road trip with my 2 closest friends to hunt."

This seems like a sentence fragment to me. I would suggest:

"This is the monster I'm going on a road trip with my 2 closest friends to hunt."

However, this is consistent with the voice your character uses so I understand if you'd prefer to leave it as is. I do like her lifelike diction.

You are off to a good start. I wish you the best with your novel.

~ PM

7
7
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is beautiful. As a fellow Christian I love the message. I felt this was something God wanted me to read. I like that you have some rhyme going on but I would make the rhyme pattern/rythm a little more consistent. Still good work, though.

~ PM
8
8
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello,

Thank you for reviewing my story a few days ago. I wanted to return the favor.

This is an interesting piece. I like your diction and your sentence structure. I get that they are polyamorous but it seems a little odd that they are so cool with their partners freely doing other people. It seems slightly hard to believe. I am not familiar with the franchise this is based off of so I had a little difficulty following some parts, but you have provided enough details that I can still get a good sense of the characters and plot.

Nice work ~ PM
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