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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/puppetmaster84
Review Requests: ON
70 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I will say what I liked about your piece and if I have any suggestions for improvement. My reviews are usually short, sweet and to the point. I prefer to review short stories but will look at poetry if asked to.
I'm good at...
finding mistakes with grammar/punctuation. Also I can let you know if your plot is effective.
Favorite Genres
Religious, romance, sci-fi, fantasy
Least Favorite Genres
erotica,sports
Favorite Item Types
Statics - short stories
I will not review...
anything overly sexual or violent, anything anti-Christian
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 ... Next
1
1
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Legendary Mask, this poem is beautiful and inspiring. Thanks for sharing. ~ PM
2
2
Review of Anticipation  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Green, this poem is beautiful and flawless. Good job and congrats on the win. ~ PM
3
3
Review of Amanda at Night  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello Bob County, PM here to review your story.

I think it has potential, but could use some editing. For some reason only the left half of the screen shows the writing and the right side is blank. Maybe there's something going on on my end with that.

Edits:

Generally, you should start a new paragraph when the speaker changes.

"How is it youryou're doing up so late?"

he spoke softly "He" should be capitalized

He was clearly unnerved by her badge/He was terrified. You're telling here when it would be better to show his emotions through thoughts or actions.

If you would like me to re-rate after an edit, please let me know and I will give it another look. Keep writing!

PM


4
4
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello elephantsealer, PM here to review your item.

It's very interesting. As a puppeteer, the title drew me in. It does a good job of showing the emotion rather than telling.

My only suggestion would be to maybe expand on it. It's a good start.

Good luck in the contest, and keep writing!

PM

5
5
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello Gus Beecher, PM here to review your story. It is a decent vignette but doesn't really have a plot. Also, it has a lot of passive voice. I do think it has potential, though. Keep writing! ~ PM
6
6
Review of HERO  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello,Victor L. Rolling Jr, PM here to review your story.

I found it on the "Please Review" page.

It is well done. I like the ending. It's sweet. My one suggestion would be to continue it some more.

I thought it was interesting that you wrote it in present tense.

Good job, and keep writing!

PM
7
7
Review of Fiery Revenge  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello again, S E Mabson,

This is a very cool story about a maritime haunting. I found it fascinating and well written.

An edit:

“Hey bro(,) don’t get mad at me(.) (Y)you looked half-dead there for a second.”

Keep writing. Nice job on this.

~PM
8
8
Review of Confident?  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello S E Mabson,

Thank you for the review request. I think this story has a lot of potential. It could use a little editing and some expansion, but I think the seed is there. It has good characterization. I have a clear picture in my head of the two young ladies. The end was pretty good, but I was left wanting more.

Some edits:

SUPPORT the author’s Frankie!” Should be Support the authors, Frankie!"

after You don’t turn up music without also belting at the top of your lungs, audience or not. you have too much space. I notice this continues. You only need one line of space between paragraphs, but you start new paragraphs with each speaker, which is good.

I like how you put the text dialogue in italics. I would add some dialogue tags to make it more clear who is texting. The idea of an accidentally sent embarrassing text is relatable in this day and age.

I also like how Rue describes her performance where she got stood up.

This is a good start. Thanks for the fun read.

~ PM
9
9
Review of A Kitten Calls  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Tina Stone, PM here with Review #3 from the package you won in the Four Seasons Auction.

{center:}What I liked:

This story is sweet and adorable. You do a good job leading up to the discovery of the kitten. The story has a feel-good vibe that I like.


{center:}Edits/Comments:
"Parker wasn't sure he really wanted to go much further". I would suggest having Parker say or do something to show that he feels this way rather than having the narrator tell it

"...side of the dumpster(,) and wooden pallets" There should be a comma after "dumpster".

on the chain,This should be a period. Next word should be capitalized. he also had a tiny flashlight.

"his no(t) so tough response"

"The ladder must have fallen and trapped the poor creature," I would consider italicizing this, since Caden is thinking it

"...little kitten, that started purring." No comma is needed here.

Good job with this. Keep writing sweet stories!

~PM
10
10
Review of Lucky Bunny  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Tina Stone, PM here with Review #1 in the package you won at the Four Seasons Auction.

This is a cute story. It flows well and draws the reader in.

I only saw one minor error:

"down the narrow hall, insuringensuring no one was around."

Good job with this.

~PM
11
11
Review of My Window To Life  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Quihadi, PM here to review your story.

I find it amazing how He healed you after all that time. Thanks for sharing and congrats on the win.

God Bless,

PM
12
12
Review of REWRITE  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello LJ Apollo, PM here to review your story.

I like the idea. It's a fascinating concept.

The first two sentences are run-on sentences. There are run-on sentences throughout the piece. I would recommend breaking them up.

You have a lot of punctuation errors. I have put the corrections in parentheses. "(T)then" means you should capitalize the following word:

As he crossed the room to another door(,) I deduced this room had not lived up to its potential for quite some time.
Unlocking the second door and opening it inward(,) gesturing for me to enter first, I obliged and upon going in(,) I saw nothing at first(.)(T)then a shallow light hum began and several rows of florescent (misspelled) started to come to life,(should be a period) (T)the room was pristine,sanitizer white(,) and you could start to make out the medical apparatuses surrounding a surgical table,(should be a period) (A)a few of the machines were bumping and whirring and you saw the IV bags hanging on the rack next to the table by a corpse, but the configuration of the body was way off,(should be a period)the head was oversized,the arms much too long situated atop a bloated torso.As my eyes adjusted to the site (should be sight) of the strange corpse on the table(,) I quickly surmised this was not human or animal of this world.
"WHAT (You generally shouldn't put words in all caps. To place emphasis you could italicize)the hell is that(?)"I turned and asked our host? (Question mark should be after "that")
He just smiled,"(W)well(,) that depends on how you want to describe it,(Should be a period) (P)please have a seat and I'll try to explain it to you."
Ushering me over to a stool by one of the labs work tables(,) I sat and kept my eye fixated on the new creature behind my guest.
"Would you like some coffee,I think you'll need a cup of coffee"?!(Question mark and exclamation mark should be after "coffee")
Simply nodding at the question(,) my mind ran the scenario in my head of the new situation,(should be a period) (A)as he returned from a small break room in the corner of the lab he brought with him two cups of coffee(.) (H)he sat(,) smiled and began. (Should be :)
"Of course you heard(a space is needed here) of area 51 and all the UFO stuff from the 50(')s(,) and until now(,) most of it was rubbish! The origin of our friend here is a little more discreet,when he was found he was alone.
He was discovered during a camping trip in the Canadian mountains near the Ontario Providence(.) (H)he was brought to a secure safe facility about 40 miles north of Vancouver,(.)(T)there he was tended to and nursed back to shape,(.) (W)we shortly learned his communication abilities were phenomenal,(.) I think he has some kind of psychic ability and he eventually could communicate enough to explain how he came to be.
He was more of an explorer or a scout searching for a new home for his world(.) (H)his world was in peril due to an eminent supernova, so he was seeded here but soon realized the habitation of this planet and his people could not coexist,(.) (H)he tried to contact the others(,) but it was to(o) late ,(.) (A)a huge eruption of his sun occurred and the expected supernova took out his world.He with (should be "was) stranded(,) left alone,(.)(H)he know he could not exist in this world(,) so he fled to the Canadian mountains to avoid contact,(.)(H)his solitary existence soon proved problematic and there was an accident(.) (H)he was injured and could not take care of himself,(.) (I)injured (and) alone(,) he surrendered himself to death(,) only to be discovered by the camping party. After his rescue, he began to show his gratefulness that the humans had shown him by sharing some of his advanced technologies(.) (H)he began working with some of our technicians,(a space is needed here)physicists(,) and medical scientist showing them new forms of perceptual thought transformation,(.) (H)he could literally put himself and his consciousness in a host body,(.)(U)unfortunately for the host they were left in a state of suspension in his mind because the human mind was not as complex as his."
Sipping on our coffee and me still fixating on the creature he continued,"Now his shell is hardly existing to maintain any brain activity left(.) and that(,) my dear(,) is why you are here."
He set his coffee down and produced a dry(,) thin lip smile at me.
"ME"??, I quickly questioned,"I don't have any experience in alien medical procedures or the scientific medical makeup to produce any viable help for your friend."
Suddenly I was lightheaded and I was blaming the stress of the new situation.

I hope you find this helpful, and keep writing!

~ PM




13
13
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello PureSciFi, PM here to review your story.

It is an interesting concept. I like that the story starts in the middle of action, and the information is conveyed through the dialogue of the characters instead of narration. However, it is sometimes not clear who the protagonist is speaking to.

The main problem I see is with consistency. You shift between present and past tense. Either could work, but it should be consistently one or the other. Past tense usually works better, although you could be edgy by trying present tense if you wanted to. Also, Viloni is referred to as both male and female. Unless the character is non-binary - which is fine - I would consistently refer to them as one or the other.

Plot-wise, the characters have clear goals, which is good. The story seems to stop in the middle of action instead of having a clear climax and resolution/denouement. I would recommend modifying that.

I hope you find this helpful, and keep writing!

~ PM
14
14
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello writethewritten, PM here to review your story.

It is a beautiful story, with good diction.

The issue I see is that is almost all "tell" and no "show". In fiction, it is best to reveal information through the words and actions of the characters instead of through narration. It makes for a more involved and interesting story. For example, instead of telling that the friends liked the anklet, you could show it by having them compliment her on it. If you were to "tell" less and "show" more, it would make for a particularly strong story.

Also, with dialogue, writers generally start a new paragraph when the speaker changes.

I hope this helps, and keep writing!

~ PM
15
15
Review of PINK AND BLUE  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Pretty colors and I like the rhymes in the haiku. Good luck in the contest. ~ PM
16
16
Review of Leaving  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Good composition and I like the shallow depth of field. Good luck in the contest. ~ PM
17
17
Review of Fyn Wave  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Cool! My entry was from a whale watching trip too. Good luck in the contest. ~ PM
18
18
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Alextrax52, PM here to review your story.

Thank you for the review request.

Interesting concept. I haven't read a story with this theme before.

Technically, you have a few things to improve. You use a lot of run-on sentences and are missing commas and periods. I noticed that several times. Generally, you should start a new paragraph every time the speaker changes. You also have a lot of places where you tell instead of show. Instead of saying, "She enjoyed it" you could show her saying or doing something that shows she is enjoying the eating binge. Likewise, instead of saying, "she was disappointed" you could show her sighing, frowning, or doing something else that shows it.

You did a good job showing Carole's goal. I would add in some obstacles for her to overcome as that is what makes a strong story. Stories where the goal is easily attained aren't as gripping. Also, I was left wondering how Carole acquired her dream of becoming an eating machine. A little backstory would go a long way here.

I hope this has helped. Keep writing!

PM
19
19
Review of Mindfull  
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
Hello Bob County, PM here to review your item.

I am not sure what this is supposed to be. If this is supposed to be a script, you don't need the links near the top. It is very brief and I would recommend elaborating and giving the characters some background.

I hope the rating doesn't offend you. If you decide to elaborate and make it clearer I will be happy to re-rate it.

PM
20
20
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello J Legacy, PM here to review your story.

It's a nice story. Artistically, I like how I could clearly see the scenes in my mind even though there wasn't excessive description.

You consistently have mistakes with closing quotation marks. I noted a few examples below.

I notice you sometimes switch between past and present tense. I would recommend you stick with one or the other.

Line-by-line edits:

Sarah, Sarah honey, wake up, you’re having a nightmare! Says Mom urgently. (There should be quotation marks before the fist "Sarah" and after "nightmare" also, "says" should be lowercase)

Remember, your in control, not them.(should be "you're", not "your")

What am I suppose(d) to do with you?

"Alison! Calls what could only be the child’s mother." (last quotation marks should be after "Alison", also "calls" should be lowercase)

It’s all in your imagination. Said the mother.” (quotation marks should be after "imagination")

“Sarah, Sarah, are you okay? Says Alley with as much concern as a cat can present.” (quotation marks should be after "okay". The last set of quotation marks come after the last word spoken)

but how do they know?(")

I have to be there tonight to stop this, or that poor child will suffer.(")

so you must (have) stop(ped) the kidnapping?”

The last line does not need quotation marks around it.

I hope this helps. Keep writing.

PM
21
21
Review of Life and Death  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello BlakeFran3, PM here to review your essay.

This is a beautiful essay, and intelligently written. The metaphors are creative and interesting. I also like how you reference the Bible in a few places.

I personally believe the purpose of life is to serve and bring Glory to God by using the talents He gives each of us.

Thank you for sharing.

PM

22
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Review of Winter and Spring  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello BariRandom, PM here to review your story.

It's a good start, however it could be developed some more. We get a sense of who the characters are but this could also be more developed. There could be more explanation as to why he attacked her. We know it was out of "envy" but what specifically was he envious of?

On the plus side, I saw no technical issues.

Let me know if you add to this and I would be happy to give it another look.

PM
23
23
Review of The Visitor  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Rewrite, PM here to review your story.

It's a cute story. You do a good job of showing Bobby's frustration as opposed to telling about it. I like how you had several different ways to refer to the baby.

Just a couple of technical things I noticed:

“Oh, I love you Bobby!” (There should be a comma after "you")

He got one step before we felt two small hands grab his leg and arm. (The POV is a little inconsistent here. The rest of the story is in third person, so the sudden first person is out of place.)

A sudden jolt went through the creature and blue light flashed out from the circle running down through its arms and blinked out. (This seems like a run-on sentence. I would consider breaking it up.)

Keep writing!

PM
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi LegendaryMask,

This is an awesome contest! I appreciate you awarding me 5th place even though it only mentions going up to 4th.

Just to let you know, the link to the first place entry links to my story instead of the winner's.

Thanks for making such a cool contest!

PM
25
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Review of Occy's Opus  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello cdcraftee, PM here to review your story.

I like it. The end is touching and the diction is good.

I would not recommend typing some words in all caps if you decide to submit this to a publisher. They generally don't favor that.

Overall, though, it's great. Keep writing awesome stories!

~ PM
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