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58 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
To me, one of the best ways to improve my writing is to review the work of others. Reviewing is the dues we pay to belong to the community. So, thank you for giving me the opportunity to help both of us. I applaud your willingness to step out and take some heat. I am not into frilly words and sugar coating rather I prefer communicating thoughts that I hope will help you (and me) improve our writing. I want to critique your story, not your ability to use basic grammar, spelling, and punctuation. You are not a high school student and I am not your tenth grade English teacher. With all the software tools available today, there should be minimal grammar, spelling, or punctuation mistakes in any manuscript, including the first revision. If you are sloppy, I will assume that you don’t care, and neither will I. Advice in advance: Always read your stories out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.
I'm good at...
Dialogue. My writing requires a lot of dialogue. I have worked hard to learn how to do it well and I think I have succeeded. Reviewing dialogue represents a challenge that will help me get even better.
Favorite Genres
Looking at the list, there are some I don't know the meaning of. I hope I am broad-minded enough to tackle any genre.
Least Favorite Genres
Romance/Love, Woman's
Favorite Item Types
Prose, Articles, Essays, Fiction, Nonfiction
Least Favorite Item Types
Books -- sorry. Reviewing a book is a bigger task than I am willing to accept because I am writing one.
I will not review...
Poetry, Erotica *** Books -- sorry. Reviewing a book is a bigger task than I am willing to accept because I am writing one. *** If I read your item and feel I am not competent to review it, I will advise you and decline.
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 ... Next
1
1
Review of That Little Room  
Review by flyfishercacher
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Yes! I've seen it too. Scary.
2
2
Review of Appropriate Time  
Review by flyfishercacher
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Story Review



Hello wiesblaze:

I'm flyfishercacher and I found your story on:
 
IN & OUT
Please Review  (E)
This is a page to request reviews for static items and books.
#819237 by Writing.Com Support

I am reviewing it for:
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Title: "Appropriate Time– Chapter 01– “From Wolf to Worm”


*Check2* Objective / Notes from the author:
         – A dystopian novel
         – First novel. First edit and draft. If you would care to read it? Reviews are much appreciated.

*Check2* Was this written for a contest? If so, what were the constraints:
         – NaNo 2020

*Check2* Word Count:
         – Your count: 1,647
         – My count: 1,643

*Check2* Clarification:
         – To help us stay oriented, I have numbered the paragraphs as you have assigned them.
         – The text beginning “Mr. Cuin, do you want to die?” is paragraph 1
         – The text beginning “Thruce, the funny swindler had to die” is the last paragraph which becomes paragraph 41.
         – The text “***” (1 instance) is not numbered
         – I wish WdC had some way to assign line numbers, but they don’t, so we are stuck with just paragraph numbers.

*Check2* Overall Impression:
         – I applaud your willingness to step out and take some heat. What follows may seem harsh, partly because I am not into frilly words and sugar coating rather prefer communicating thoughts that I hope will help you (and me) improve our writing.
         – Reviewing this novel is going to be an adventure for me because sci-fi and dystopia are not my thing. Please take my comments with that in mind.
         – I like what I read, and I look forward to reading more.

*Check2* Presentation / Appearance: (What I see first. The look of the piece.)
         – What the reader/viewer sees when opening your work for the first time will make an impression, good or bad, no matter the quality of the writing. Font type, font size, use of bold and italics, line spacing, paragraph spacing, all play a part in convincing the reader to continue. I believe the reviewer owes the writer a comment on this matter.
         – Presentation deals with the first impression your story makes when a reader clicks on the title. Call it the cosmetics. It looks at abstract items from text density to scene dividers in an effort to ferret out any unfortunate habits that might cause a reader to move on without actually reading anything; before you can dazzle him with your show, you have to get him into the tent!
         – The font face and size are good.
         – Paragraph spacing is good.
         – This piece is comfortable on the eyes and easy to read.

*Check2* Readability
         – Readability is a measure of how easy a piece of text is to read. The level of complexity of the text, its familiarity, legibility and typography all feed into how readable your text is. Who is your target audience? Readability is a key factor in user experience. Accessible content builds trust with your audience.
         – A readability score can tell you what level of education someone will need to be able to read your text easily. The score identifies a grade level approximate to the number of years of education a person has had. If the score is too high or too low, your reader will quickly close the book and your message will never reach them.
         – Here is a website you can use to check the readability of your text:

         – Using that website, here is the Readability score for this work.
         – Based on (7) readability formulas, your text has scored:
                   – Grade Level: 7
                   – Reading Level: fairly easy to read.
                   – Reader's Age: 11-13 yrs. old (sixth and seventh graders)
         – Is that your intended audience?

*Check2* Story/Plot:
         – Story/Plot is the heart of the issue. This is really the basic element, isn't it? If you can't tell an engaging story, it doesn't matter what else you can do, because nobody's going to read it anyway.
         – Paragraph 1 is a good hook for the chapter.
         – Introduces Cuin and Thruce very well.
         – Paragraph 41 is a good hook to keep the reader reading chapter 2, and clearly states the plot of the story.
         – There is a school of thought that argues Chapter 1 (first chapter) should be wriiten last because it has so many extra duties to perform. It receives much attention in the literature about writing. I suggest you survey some of this literature (maybe you have already) to see if you are satisfied with this chapter 1. I have a few articles in pdf form that I would be happy to share with you if you wish.

*Check2* Style and Voice:
         – Very ‘documentary’. Cold and distant. Perfect for this chapter.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
         – Setting deals with the locations you've established for your action, the ways in which they affect that action, and your ability to describe them clearly and concisely. You could say that this aspect answers (or fails to answer) the first question of fiction, What's going on here? Setting can be used to challenge a character, to highlight a skill or quality, to set the mood of a scene without overtly saying a single thing about it, and a host of lesser impacts too numerous to mention. You might think of it as a print artist's equivalent of a movie's "mood music," always important yet never intrusive. All in all, a pretty big deal.
         – Not much detail in chapter 1. Just enough.
         – Some world building well done.
         – Mixed in well with character descriptions.
         – I suspect there will be many scenes.

*Check2* Structure:
         – The basic unit in reading is the chapter. The basic unit in writing is the scene. Write scenes and think about chapter breaks later.
         – In this case, I think ‘chapter’ works well. It appears to be a complete unit with a solid hook at the end.
         – Possibly much of the information about Thruce could be presented as material that Cuin is reading in his file. Then the very last sentence (Paragraph 41) could be a line of dialogue spoken by Cuin indicating his acceptance of the assignment. The chapter would thus begin and end symmetrically with a few spoken words.

*Check2* Characters:
         – Characters discusses all aspects of the characters, the way they look, act, and talk, as well as the development and presentation of backstory. Allow me to present "Tyler's Axiom:" Characters are fiction. Rich, multifaceted characters with compelling backstories will seize the reader in a grip that will not be denied, and drag him into their narrative, because he can't abide the thought of not knowing what will happen to them. Conversely, lazy, shallow stereotypes will ruin any story regardless of its other qualities, because the reader will be unable to answer the second question of fiction: Why do I care?
         – Chapter is devoted overwhelmingly to describing Cuin and Thruce. You do it very well. Because of the depth on these two, I assume there are no other major characters.
         – Paragraph 8 offers an opportunity to explore Cuin’s character a little deeper by including some words on the ethical / practical / financial arguments he makes when choosing to accept or reject an assignment.
         – Paragraph 34: “mission in life” I see nothing worthy of the label “mission” Delete this whole sentence.

*Check2* Dialog:
         – Only one sentence.
         – Possibly much of the information about Thruce could be presented as material that Cuin is reading in his file. Then the very last sentence (Paragraph 41) could be a line of dialogue spoken by Cuin indicating his acceptance of the assignment. The chapter would thus begin and end symmetrically with a few spoken words.

*Check2* Mechanics:
         – Mechanics: Whether you're writing fact or fiction, prose or poetry, the "holy grail" that you're striving for is immersion. This is an area that no author, myself included, ever wants to talk about: I've done all this work, and you want to argue over a comma?" But those commas are important. What you're really doing as a writer is weaving a magic spell around your reader, and your reader wants you to succeed. He wants to escape his mundane world for a period, and lose himself in your creation. Errors in spelling and grammar, typos, "there" vs. "their" issues, use of words inconsistent with their actual meanings, all yank him out of his immersion while he backtracks to re-read and puzzle out what you meant to say. This is never good.
         – Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.
         – I ran your story through Grammarly which always finds many comma placement mistakes. Many I ignore because I disagree with them, so I do not comment on them in my reviews. The following items are from both Grammarly and me.
         – “The grid had … year 2500” I do not know what this sentence means or why it is in this place with this format.
         – Earth / earth: capitalize consistently.
         – Government / government: capitalize consistently.
         – Paragraph 2: “lend” s/b “lent”
         – Paragraph3: “his black coffee with no sugar” better as “his coffee black with no sugar”
         – Paragraph 8: “special” overused weak word; how about “unique” or “unusual”
         – Paragraph 8: “picked victims at random” sends the wrong message. I don’t think he picked any victims. I thiought he selected from assignments offered by the government.
         – Paragraph 10: “wind waves above the water” doesn’t make sense.
         – Paragraph 11: “strong” overused weak word; how about “healthy”
         – Paragraph 14: sentence fragment.
         – Paragraph 17: “nice” overused weak word; maybe “lovely”
         – Paragraph 17: “live happily” s/b “lived happily”
         – Paragraphs 17 and 18: “old” same word used three times in two paragraphs. Use synonyms.
         – Paragraph 18: No need for a new paragraph here. Combine 18 into 17.
         – Paragraph 19: “Artifacts …” Sentence fragment.
         – Paragraph 22: Use numbers in text for numbers over ten– “415”
         – Paragraph22: Why is first sentence capitalized? Should there be a hard scene break (***) between 21 and 22?
         – Paragraph 29: I am a champion of the semicolon "The Semicolon. I think it is a powerful, under utilized tool, and I applaud writers who use it. In this case, I don’t think it works. Independent sentences are better. If you stay with the semicolon, get rid of the capitalization.
         – Paragraph 31: “blue hazy” better as “hazy blue”
         – Paragraph32: “Truce” s/b “Thruce”
         – Paragraph 35: Sentence fragment.

*Check2* How did the writing make me feel? Did it invoke any emotions?
         – Although I am not a sci-fi dystopian reader, this chapter drew me into the story about to unfold.

*Check2* Can I relate to the writing through a personal experience?
         – No. I have no personal experience to inform this review.

*Check2* Did the plot interest me? Were the characters believable? Did the dialog flow naturally?
         – Not much plot visible in chapter 1, but the last sentence announces where the story is going. Very effective.
         – Characters are well described and believable.
         – No dialogue worth mentioning.

*Check2* Did the time, place and other setting characteristics work together?
         – Time announced. Place is planet earth in a very messy, unhappy condition.

*Check2* What did I like most? What did I like least? Did anything stand out?
         – All well written. Nothing exceptional worth calling out.

*Check2* If this were my own writing, what would I want to know from a reviewer?
         – Did I meet my objective? First chapter, first novel, first edit.
         – Answer: very well. I hope the ideas expressed above will get you the rest of the way.

*Check2* Suggestions:
         – See above. Pick and choose.
         – Review public literature on ‘first chapter’. Then see if you want to make changes based on the rest of the novel.

*Check2* This advice I give always, totally, and without exception or reservation:
         – Stories are always richer when characters, places, and events have names– even fictitious ones.
         – Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.

My thanks to Jack Tyler Jack "Blimprider" Tyler for several of the explanatory paragraphs in this review.

Thank you for sharing your story. I believe that one of the best ways to improve my writing is to review the work of others. So thank you for giving me the opportunity to help both of us write better.


flyfishercacher

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

This is my work in progress. Reviews and comments on any part of it are welcome any time.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review of Nosedive No More  
Review by flyfishercacher
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Story Review


Hello Roy :
I'm flyfishercacher and I found your story on:
 
IN & OUT
Please Review  (E)
This is a page to request reviews for static items and books.
#819237 by Writing.Com Support

I am reviewing it for:
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Title: "Nosedive No More


*Check2* Objective / Notes from the author:
          – Children's fiction.
          – A young bat has to master the art of landing... Bat Style!
          – Basil, a young bat whom everyone calls Nosedive, must learn to land before he can return to Grandpa Owl's story time.

*Check2* Was this written for a contest? If so, what were the constraints:
          – Unknown

*Check2* Word Count:
          – My count: 3,268

*Check2* Clarification:
          – To help us stay oriented, I have numbered the paragraphs as you have assigned them.
          – The text beginning “Look Out!” is paragraph 1
          – The text beginning “Because it looks cool” is the last paragraph which becomes paragraph 141.
          – The text “***” (2 instances) are not numbered
          — Major Divisions (chapter equivalents?)
                    — "Look Out!" becomes paragraph 1.
                    — "Big News" becomes paragraph 26.
                    — "Let's Get Started" becomes paragraph 44.
                    — "If at First You Don't Succeed ..." becomes paragraph 65.
                    — "Not Again!" becomes paragraph 76.
                    — "Goodbye Meadow" becomes paragraph 88.
                    — "Where's Nosedive?" becomes paragraph 103.
                    — "The Great Escape" becomes paragraph 115.
                    — "Nosedive No More" becomes paragraph 129.

*Check2* Overall Impression:
          – I applaud your willingness to step out and take some heat. What follows may seem harsh, partly because I am not into frilly words and sugar coating rather prefer communicating thoughts that I hope will help you (and me) improve our writing.
          – I’m not into writing for children, so maybe my comments are completely off base. But I’ll give you what I can.

*Check2* Presentation / Appearance: (What I see first. The look of the piece.)
          – What the reader/viewer sees when opening your work for the first time will make an impression, good or bad, no matter the quality of the writing. Font type, font size, use of bold and italics, line spacing, paragraph spacing, all play a part in convincing the reader to continue. I believe the reviewer owes the writer a comment on this matter.
          – Presentation deals with the first impression your story makes when a reader clicks on the title. Call it the cosmetics. It looks at abstract items from text density to scene dividers in an effort to ferret out any unfortunate habits that might cause a reader to move on without actually reading anything; before you can dazzle him with your show, you have to get him into the tent!
          – You ran afoul (badly) of WdC formatting. I’m not sure what happened, but the product that appeared on my screen was a real mess.
          – Did you try tp upload a whole file from your Word Processor into WdC? I have found that to be a disaster.
          – There were many large spaces in your text. I suspect you had illustrations in those locations that did not transfer properly.
          – Random changes in font face and size.

*Check2* Images
          – Let me spend a few words on images. If my comments above about you having images in your story are incorrect, then disregard this and move on.
          – What you can do with images/photos/clipart depends on your membership level. I have a ‘Premium’ membership, so my ability to use images is pretty broad. My advice may not help you, but here it is anyway.
          – First, there is no connection possible between images you put in your ‘Photo Album’ and images you use in your stories and covers. I had a difficult time learning that one.
          – I have setup in my portfolio a folder I labeled ‘Images.’ Into that folder goes every image for every story I write. I’ll let you and WdC work out how to do that.
          – Once in that folder, the image picks up a seven digit identifier.
          – In my stories, I use this line of text to insert the image
{center}{image:xxxxxxx}{/center}

          – If that capability does not exist for your membership level, then you must delete all images from your file before posting.

*Check2* Readability
          – Readability is a measure of how easy a piece of text is to read. The level of complexity of the text, its familiarity, legibility and typography all feed into how readable your text is. Who is your target audience? Readability is a key factor in user experience. Accessible content builds trust with your audience.
          – A readability score can tell you what level of education someone will need to be able to read your text easily. The score identifies a grade level approximate to the number of years of education a person has had. If the score is too high or too low, your reader will quickly close the book and your message will never reach them.
          – Here is a website you can use to check the readability of your text:

          – Using that website, here is the Readability score for this work.
          – Based on (7) readability formulas, your text has scored:
                    – Grade Level: 5
                    – Reading Level: easy to read.
                    – Reader's Age: 8-9 yrs. old (Fourth and Fifth graders)
          – You have classified this story as ‘Children’s Fiction.’ That’s a WdC genre. My sense is that is too broad.
          – For your own purposes, you need to cut it much finer, e.g., a story suitable for a fifth grader would not be suilable for a child in kindergarden.
          – I think understanding ‘Readability’ will help you there. I suggest you dig into that subject a little more.
          – While not mentioned in the subject of ‘Readability’, I think word count/story length comes into play. Will your target audience sit still for a story of this length?

*Check2* Story/Plot:
          – This is a nice plot that flows easily and carries a moral.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
          – Setting deals with the locations you've established for your action, the ways in which they affect that action, and your ability to describe them clearly and concisely. You could say that this aspect answers (or fails to answer) the first question of fiction, What's going on here? Setting can be used to challenge a character, to highlight a skill or quality, to set the mood of a scene without overtly saying a single thing about it, and a host of lesser impacts too numerous to mention. You might think of it as a print artist's equivalent of a movie's "mood music," always important yet never intrusive. All in all, a pretty big deal.
          – I think you did this well.

*Check2* Structure:
          – The basic unit in reading is the chapter. The basic unit in writing is the scene. Write scenes and think about chapter breaks later.
          – Did I reformat your story correctly? If so, the structure works fine. If not ?

*Check2* Characters:
          – Characters are clearly identified.
          – A few more words of description here and there might be worthwhile.
          – Give mother and father names.

*Check2* Dialog:
          – There are many rules for handling dialogue, but these will keep you safe most of the time:
                    – New paragraph every time speaker/actor changes.
                    – Action goes in the same paragraph as the words.
                    – Comma at the end of the speech only if a tag follows. Otherwise a period (? !)
                    – Speech Tags: As few as possible; as many as necessary.
                    – Convention seems to be: Thoughts and inner dialogue in italics, without quotation marks. I think it is a good one.
          – Review carefully for correct and complete punctuation (especially closing quotation marks). To me this is the hardest part of writing. I hate it.
          – “But Ellis was too angry to listen”. Move this last sentence in paragraph 100 to be the first sentence in paragraph 101 to keep action and speaker together.

*Check2* Mechanics:
          – Mechanics: Whether you're writing fact or fiction, prose or poetry, the "holy grail" that you're striving for is immersion. This is an area that no author, myself included, ever wants to talk about: I've done all this work, and you want to argue over a comma?" But those commas are important. What you're really doing as a writer is weaving a magic spell around your reader, and your reader wants you to succeed. He wants to escape his mundane world for a period, and lose himself in your creation. Errors in spelling and grammar, typos, "there" vs. "their" issues, use of words inconsistent with their actual meanings, all yank him out of his immersion while he backtracks to re-read and puzzle out what you meant to say. This is never good.
          – Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.
          – Paragraph 5: ‘hopper’ s/b ‘Hopper’
          – Paragraph 39: calling Basil Nosedive after s/b calling Basil “Nosedive” after
          – Paragraph 108: I prefer okay to ok (personal preference)
          – Paragraph 113: "Mmm, breakfast," he thought. better as "Mmm, breakfast," the owl thought. (clarify speaker)
          – Paragraph 122: “AWESOME”. All caps doesn’t make it louder or more emphatic.
          – Paragraph 134: “but Belfry lingered” Why? No follow up.

*Check2* How did the writing make me feel? Did it invoke any emotions?
          – This is a nice story. As my first attempt at reviewing ‘Children’s Literature’, a genre I do not write in, I felt very inadequate.

*Check2* Can I relate to the writing through a personal experience?
          – Don’t know. If my guess about the role of images in this manuscript is correct, I will claim some expertise based on hard lessons learned on WdC.

*Check2* Did the plot interest me? Were the characters believable? Did the dialog flow naturally?
          – Yes.

*Check2* Is there anything I would change within the writing?
          – Create a separate file to format your story for WdC.

*Check2* Suggestions:
          – See above. Pick and choose.

*Check2* This advice I give always, totally, and without exception or reservation:
          – Stories are always richer when characters, places, and events have names – even fictitious ones.
          – Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.

My thanks to Jack Tyler Jack "Blimprider" Tyler for several of the explanatory paragraphs in this review.

Thank you for sharing your story. I believe that one of the best ways to improve my writing is to review the work of others. So thank you for giving me the opportunity to help both of us write better.


flyfishercacher

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

This is my work in progress. Reviews and comments on any part of it are welcome any time.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review by flyfishercacher
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Story Review


Hello RickyZ :
I'm flyfishercacher and I found your story in your portfolio.

I am reviewing it for:
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Four time Quill winner!
#1300305 by Maryann


I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Title: "The Lady and the Thug Part 5


*Check2* Objective / Notes from the author:
          – Richard departs.

*Check2* Word Count:
          – My count: 1,763

*Check2* Clarification:
          – To help us stay oriented, I have numbered the paragraphs as you have assigned them.
          – The text beginning “Adjusting his coat” is paragraph 1
          – The text beginning “It wasn’t easy releasing Miles’” is the last paragraph which becomes paragraph 90.
          – The text “***” (1 instance) is not numbered.
          – Therefore:
                    – Scene 1 (paragraphs 1 –50): In the Infirmary with the nurse.
                    – Scene 2 (paragraphs 51 –90): In the yard with his bunk mates.

*Check2* Overall Impression:
          – I applaud your willingness to step out and take some heat. What follows may seem harsh, partly because I am not into frilly words and sugar coating rather prefer communicating thoughts that I hope will help you (and me) improve our writing.
          – I am still confused and left with questions that interrupt my reading, but I like the story.

*Check2* Presentation / Appearance: (What I see first. The look of the piece.)
          – What the reader/viewer sees when opening your work for the first time will make an impression, good or bad, no matter the quality of the writing. Font type, font size, use of bold and italics, line spacing, paragraph spacing, all play a part in convincing the reader to continue. I believe the reviewer owes the writer a comment on this matter.
          – Presentation deals with the first impression your story makes when a reader clicks on the title. Call it the cosmetics. It looks at abstract items from text density to scene dividers in an effort to ferret out any unfortunate habits that might cause a reader to move on without actually reading anything; before you can dazzle him with your show, you have to get him into the tent!
          – Your story presents itself well. No problems here.

*Check2* Readability
          – Readability is a measure of how easy a piece of text is to read. The level of complexity of the text, its familiarity, legibility and typography all feed into how readable your text is. Who is your target audience? Readability is a key factor in user experience. Accessible content builds trust with your audience.
          – A readability score can tell you what level of education someone will need to be able to read your text easily. The score identifies a grade level approximate to the number of years of education a person has had. If the score is too high or too low, your reader will quickly close the book and your message will never reach them.
          – Here is a website you can use to check the readability of your text:

          – Using that website, here is the Readability score for this work.
          – Based on (7) readability formulas, your text has scored:
                    – Grade Level: 5
                    – Reading Level: easy to read.
                    – Reader's Age: 8-9 yrs. old (Fourth and Fifth graders)

*Check2* Story/Plot:
          – Story/Plot is the heart of the issue. This is really the basic element, isn't it? If you can't tell an engaging story, it doesn't matter what else you can do, because nobody's going to read it anyway. I can explain aspects from characters to grammar, but I don't know how to teach someone to have an imagination.
          – Part 5 closes out Richard’s time at the school and sends him on his way to other adventures.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
          – Setting deals with the locations you've established for your action, the ways in which they affect that action, and your ability to describe them clearly and concisely. You could say that this aspect answers (or fails to answer) the first question of fiction, What's going on here? Setting can be used to challenge a character, to highlight a skill or quality, to set the mood of a scene without overtly saying a single thing about it, and a host of lesser impacts too numerous to mention. You might think of it as a print artist's equivalent of a movie's "mood music," always important yet never intrusive. All in all, a pretty big deal.
          – Scene 1 (paragraphs 1 –50): In the Infirmary with the nurse.
                    – Insert a few words of scenery (infirmary description) to break up long runs of dialogue.
          – Scene 2 (paragraphs 51 –90): In the yard with his bunk mates.
                    – Needs a bit of description. Was this gathering on a street?, a parade field?, big space?, small space?
*Check2* Structure:
          – The basic unit in reading is the chapter. The basic unit in writing is the scene. Write scenes and think about chapter breaks later.
          – Two scenes work well here.

*Check2* Characters:
          – Characters discusses all aspects of the characters, the way they look, act, and talk, as well as the development and presentation of backstory. Allow me to present "Tyler's Axiom:" Characters are fiction. Rich, multifaceted characters with compelling backstories will seize the reader in a grip that will not be denied, and drag him into their narrative, because he can't abide the thought of not knowing what will happen to them. Conversely, lazy, shallow stereotypes will ruin any story regardless of its other qualities, because the reader will be unable to answer the second question of fiction: Why do I care?
          – I am comfortable with the character representation here.
          – Only Miles stands out as a character that may reappear later.

*Check2* Dialog:
          – I found no flaws in your handling of dialogue.

*Check2* Mechanics:
          – Mechanics: Whether you're writing fact or fiction, prose or poetry, the "holy grail" that you're striving for is immersion. This is an area that no author, myself included, ever wants to talk about: I've done all this work, and you want to argue over a comma?" But those commas are important. What you're really doing as a writer is weaving a magic spell around your reader, and your reader wants you to succeed. He wants to escape his mundane world for a period, and lose himself in your creation. Errors in spelling and grammar, typos, "there" vs. "their" issues, use of words inconsistent with their actual meanings, all yank him out of his immersion while he backtracks to re-read and puzzle out what you meant to say. This is never good.
          – Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.
          – Time and location disconnects:
                    – Part 4, paragraph 150 has Richard and Kazimir in the barracks on the night after his flogging. Part 5, scene 1 has Richard in the Infirmary, apparently healed. Been there long enough to grow a moustache and whiskers (a long time to be stuck in the Infirmary). He has all of his gear, including Kazimir, and is apparently putting on his dress uniform. You need some sort of a bridge to account for the time lapse between 4 and 5.
                    – Paragraph 85: “matchbook” again has me trying to figure out when this story is taking place.

*Check2* Suggestions:
          – See above. Pick and choose.

*Check2* This advice I give always, totally, and without exception or reservation:
          – Stories are always richer when characters, places, and events have names – even fictitious ones.
          – Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.

My thanks to Jack Tyler Jack "Blimprider" Tyler for several of the explanatory paragraphs in this review.

Thank you for sharing your story. I believe that one of the best ways to improve my writing is to review the work of others. So thank you for giving me the opportunity to help both of us write better.


flyfishercacher

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

This is my work in progress. Reviews and comments on any part of it are welcome any time.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review by flyfishercacher
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Story Review


Hello RickyZ :
I'm flyfishercacher and I found your story in your portfolio.

I am reviewing it for:
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Four time Quill winner!
#1300305 by Maryann


I hope you find this feedback useful.

Title: "The Lady and the Thug Part 4 Rev B


*Check2* Objective / Notes from the author:
          – Esther thanks Richard. Later, he has a strange dream.

*Check2* Word Count:
          – My count: 4,393

*Check2* Clarification:
          – To help us stay oriented, I have numbered the paragraphs as you have assigned them.
          – The text beginning “Richard lay face down” is paragraph 1
          – The text beginning “Thank you, Kazimir” is the last paragraph which becomes paragraph 150
          – The text “***” (2 instances) are not numbered.

*Check2* Overall Impression:
          – I applaud your willingness to step out and take some heat. What follows may seem harsh, partly because I am not into frilly words and sugar coating rather prefer communicating thoughts that I hope will help you (and me) improve our writing.
          – The rewrite did not do much to relieve my confusion. Sorry.

*Check2* Story/Plot:
          – Scene 1 (Paragraphs 1 – 111): Richard in Infirmiry; Esther visits.
          – Scene 2 (Paragraphs 112 – 126): Richard’s dream.
          – Scene 3 (Paragraphs 127 – 150): Richard returns to his barracks.

*Check2* Comments:
          – Scene 1 (Paragraphs 1 – 111): Richard in Infirmiry; Esther visits.
                    – Previous comments apply.
                    – Richard’s self-depreciation is overdone. I understand that Richard sees Esther as a goddess and himself as an unworthy lowlife, but you really beat it to death here.

          – Scene 2 (Paragraphs 112 – 126): Richard’s dream.
                    – 15 paragraphs, 893 words, 20% of the total.
                    – Same question as last time: Why does this scene exist?
                    – Paragraphs 125 and 126 try to sum up the effect of the dream but it is not clear.
                    – Throughout this scene I kept asking two questions: 1) What is he saying?, and 2) So what?

          – Scene 3 (Paragraphs 127 – 150): Richard returns to his barracks.
                    – Paragraphs 127 to 138 are OK
                    – Paragraph 138 “just like normal” and Paragraph 139 “seeing it only once before” don’t work. Has Kazimir been a shield that Richard has owned for some time or is the shield newly arrived in his life?
                    – Paragraphs 139 – 146 are completely incoherent – it?, them?, they?, people? Who are you talking about? I suggest you make a copy of these paragraphs and set them up in a separate file. Then everywhere you have an “it”, “them”, “they”, “people”, replace it with a name and see if it makes sense.
                    – Paragraph 147: Confusing “he” and “him”. Two meanings in the same paragraph. One incomplete sentence.
                              – *Bullet* Your text:
                              – *Cut* “Even after thirty thousand years, since being, quite literally, thrown from his own world into a land far younger. He still had only chosen three prior wielders, since being recovered some four thousand years ago.”*Cut*
                              – *Idea* My Recommendation:
                              – *Idea**Paste* “Even after thirty thousand years, since being, quite literally, thrown from his own world into a land far younger, Kazimir still had only chosen three prior wielders, since being recovered some four thousand years ago.”*Paste**Idea*

                    – Paragraph 150: “knelt” s/b “kneeling”

*Check2* Suggestions:
          – See above. Pick and choose.

Thank you for sharing your story. I believe that one of the best ways to improve my writing is to review the work of others. So thank you for giving me the opportunity to help both of us write better.


flyfishercacher

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

This is my work in progress. Reviews and comments on any part of it are welcome any time.

6
6
Review by flyfishercacher
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Story Review


Hello RickyZ :
I'm flyfishercacher and I found your story on:
 
IN & OUT
Please Review  (E)
This is a page to request reviews for static items and books.
#819237 by Writing.Com Support

I am reviewing it for:
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Title: "The Lady and the Thug Part 4


*Check2* Objective / Notes from the author:
          – Part 4 of The Lady and the Thug. I have been getting a lot of help from you all, and I sincerely appreciate you
          – Richard leaves for Fort Vasbrook

*Check2* Was this written for a contest? If so, what were the constraints:
          – No

*Check2* Word Count:
          – My count: 5,456

*Check2* Clarification:
          – To help us stay oriented, I have numbered the paragraphs as you have assigned them.
          – The text beginning “Richard lay face down” is paragraph 1.
          – The text beginning “It wasn’t easy releasing” is the last paragraph which becomes paragraph 187.
          – The text “***” (3 instances) are not numbered.
          – Paragraph numbering was more difficult this time because translating the text from WdC to MSWord was not as smooth as previously.
          – The scene breaks (***) create four scenes:
                    – Scene 1: Paragraphs 1 through 108
                    – Scene 2: Paragraphs 109 through 123
                    – Scene 3: Paragraphs 124 through 146
                    – Scene 4: Paragraphs 147 through 187

*Check2* Overall Impression:
          – Everything I built up in Parts 1 through 3 came completely apart in Part 4
          – You left my head spinning in confusion.
          – I am going to abandon my template for this review and try to explain/display my confusion.

*Check2* Scene Setup:
          – Scene 1: Paragraphs 1 through 108: Richard in the Infirmary. Esther visits.
          – Scene 2: Paragraphs 109 through 123: Richard has a dream.
          – Scene 3: Paragraphs 124 through 146: Richard returns to his barracks.
          – Scene 4: Paragraphs 147 through 187: Richard departs.

*Check2* Comments:
          – Scene 1 (1 to 108) works well. It is a logical follow-on to the end of Part 3.
                    – Paragraph 32: “dawned” s/b “donned”
                    – Paragraphs 49 and 57: How can you look at your own mouth? Pick something else.
                    – Paragraph 65: “Your” s/b “You’re”
                    – Paragraph 76: “would’ve” better as “should’ve”
                    – Paragraph 86: Possible place to identify Vasbrook
                    – Paragraph 90 to 94 (Write to me): Somewhere in here Richard would probably give Esther an address. Here would be another place to identify Vasbrook.

          – Scene 2 (109 to 123):
                    – Why does Scene 2 exist?
                    – It is a dream filled with wild symbolism which I couldn’t connect with. I read it several times with no success.
                    – This thing ‘Kazimir’ suddenly exists with no forwarning, and it’s a shield? … a man?… a talking shield? Remember Anton Chekhov’s gun: "If you say in the first chapter that there is a rifle hanging on the wall, in the second or third chapter it absolutely must go off. If it's not going to be fired, it shouldn't be hanging there." You have violated this rule in reverse. You fired the gun (Kazimir) in part 4, without placing it in part 1, 2, or 3.

          – Scene 3 (124 to 146):
                    – Is Richard in a trance through this scene?
                    – Paragraph 134: “he caught sight of Kazimir, nestled against his end table”. I have lived in a military barracks. There is no end table for a shield. Everything you have must fit in a footlocker and possibly a hangup bar on the wall.
                    – Paragraph 138: “depicted the Greyshat coat of arms” Did Richard first see Kazimir at Greyshat Manor in Part 1? If so, go back to part 1 and make it a bigger deal as a forewarning that will ground the reader for part 4.
                    – Paragraph 143: Scene 3 is a riddle, especially this paragraph. Do you want the reader to stop reading, become a detective, and try to solve the riddle, e.g., 30,000 years, 4,000 years, 3 other wielders, Kazimir?
                    – Paragraph 143: 30,000 years, 4,000 years, 3 other wielders, Kazimir. Are these statements going to link up to some real history, or did you pull them out of the air? If the latter you need to think about realism: 30,000 years ago was in the Upper Palaeolithic period (broadly 40,000 to 10,000 years ago), and 4,000 years ago predates Pythagoras by 3,500 years.

          – Scene 4 (147 to 187):
                    – Is Richard now out of his trance?
                    – In Scene 3, Richard returns to his barracks but in paragraph 147, his bunk mates are gathered around the infirmary. Where is he — the barracks or the infirmary?
                    – In your introduction you say ‘Richard leaves for Fort Vasbrook’, but in the text there is no mention of Vasbrook. A couple opportunities mentioned.
                    – Paragraph 187: “collect his spear”. This phrase absolutely did me in. Everything came apart. All through parts 1,2,3, I have been under the impression that the story is taking place in Victorian or Edwardian England (say 1880 – 1910). Suddenly in part 4, scene 4, Richard is carrying a shield (paragraph 147) and a spear (paragraph 187). Did I completely misunderstand the whole setup from the very beginning? Is this story actually unfolding in the middle ages (say approx 1550)? Am I 350 years off? I can’t recover from that. You have to ground the reader somewhere, somehow.

Thank you for sharing your story. I believe that one of the best ways to improve my writing is to review the work of others. So thank you for giving me the opportunity to help both of us write better.


flyfishercacher

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

This is my work in progress. Reviews and comments on any part of it are welcome any time.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review by flyfishercacher
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Story Review


Hello Odessa Molinari :
I'm flyfishercacher and I found your story on "No Dialogue Contest

*Jackolantern2* I am reviewing in the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Ghostly Hallows Raid."

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Title: "Political Correctness


*Check2* Objective / Notes from the author:
          – No dialogue

*Check2* Was this written for a contest? If so, what were the constraints:
          – Yes. "No Dialogue Contest October 2020
          – Words <700
          – No dialogue
          – Prompt: Scarecrow

*Check2* Word Count:
Word counting programs vary in how they count things such as hyphens, en dashes, and em dashes so the final count varies depending on which software you use. I try to get at least ten words away from the requirement.
          – Required: <700
          – Your count: 289
          – My count: 290
          – Over/under: 411

*Check2* Clarification:
To help us stay oriented, I have numbered the paragraphs as you have assigned them.
          – The text beginning “The scarecrow stands” is paragraph 1
          – The text beginning “I kick the crap” is the last paragraph which becomes paragraph 5
I wish WdC had some way to assign line numbers, but they don’t, so we are stuck with just paragraph numbers.

*Check2* Presentation / Appearance: (What I see first. The look of the piece.)
What the reader/viewer sees when opening your work for the first time will make an impression, good or bad, no matter the quality of the writing. Font type, font size, use of bold and italics, line spacing, paragraph spacing, all play a part in convincing the reader to continue. I believe the reviewer owes the writer a comment on this matter.
          – Easily readible
          – Font size and paragraph spacing good

*Check2* Overall Impression:
I applaud your willingness to step out and take some heat. What follows may seem harsh, partly because I am not into frilly words and sugar coating rather prefer communicating thoughts that I hope will help you (and me) improve our writing.
          – I enjoyed this little piece. I could sense the farmer’s frustration with the scarecrow that wouldn’t perform and the “Why can’t I get some help from nature”

*Check2* Plot:
          – Farmer expresses frustration with the conspiracy between nature and the scarecrow.

*Check2* Style and Voice:
          – First person, present tense works well except that it robs you of the ability to describe the farmer.
          – Contest rules say no dialogue or inner dialogue, but are silent on monologue. This piece could be called a monologue.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
          – No scene/setting included. OK in this case because of first person.
          – You have plenty of words available. You could work in some scene description in the form of: As I sit here on my porch looking out over the _______, ________, ________ fields and _______, _______ trees, blah, blah, blah

*Check2* Structure:
          – Monologue vs story

*Check2* Characters:
          – Only one. No description

*Check2* Grammar and Punctuation:
Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.
I ran your story through Grammarly which always finds many comma placement mistakes. Most I ignore because I disagree with them, so I do not comment on them in my reviews.
          – I found no grammar or punctuation problems worthy comment.

*Check2* How did the writing make me feel? Did it invoke any emotions?
          – I empathacised with the farmer.

*Check2* Can I relate to the writing through a personal experience?
          – Like all of us, I have had the experience of doing everything right and having everything go wrong.
          – I am familiar with this contest and have entered it several times.

*Check2* Is there anything I would change within the writing?
          – You created this on 02 October and I am reviewing it on 25 October. You have plenty of words available but not much time. The piece is good as it stands. I wouldn’t mess with it.

*Check2* If this were my own writing, what would I want to know from a reviewer?
          – Did I meet my objective? Satisfy contest requirements
          – Answer: Yes.

*Check2* Suggestions:
          – See above. Pick and choose.

*Check2* This advice I give always, totally, and without exception or reservation:
          – Stories are always richer when characters, places, and events have names – even fictitious ones.
          – Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.

Thank you for sharing your story. I believe that one of the best ways to improve my writing is to review the work of others. So thank you for giving me the opportunity to help both of us write better.


flyfishercacher

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

This is my work in progress. Reviews and comments on any part of it are welcome any time.
 
Renaissance Man - Part 1  [13+]
Story of Torey Campbell, Part 1. Beginning through First Plot Point. Work in progress.
by flyfishercacher



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review by flyfishercacher
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Story Review


Hello Sumojo :
I'm flyfishercacher and I found your story on "The Taboo Words Contest

*Jackolantern2* I am reviewing in the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Ghostly Hallows Raid."

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Title: "A walk in the forest.


*Check2* Objective / Notes from the author:
          – A dead friend revisits
          – The Taboo Words Contest #2139468

*Check2* Was this written for a contest? If so, what were the constraints:
          – Yes "The Taboo Words Contest October 2020
          – Words <750
          – Topic: Ghost Story | Taboo Words: ghosts, spectres, creepy, haunting, fear.

*Check2* Word Count:
Word counting programs vary in how they count things such as hyphens, en dashes, and em dashes so the final count varies depending on which software you use. I try to get at least ten words away from the requirement.
          – Required: <750
          – Your count: 615
          – My count: 600
          – Over / under: 135

*Check2* Clarification:
To help us stay oriented, I have numbered the paragraphs as you have assigned them.
          – The text beginning “It is almost impossible” is paragraph 1
          – The text beginning “This is a true story” is the last paragraph which becomes paragraph 28
          – The scene breaks (2 Instances) are not numbered
I wish WdC had some way to assign line numbers, but they don’t, so we are stuck with just paragraph numbers.

*Check2* Presentation / Appearance: (What I see first. The look of the piece.)
What the reader/viewer sees when opening your work for the first time will make an impression, good or bad, no matter the quality of the writing. Font type, font size, use of bold and italics, line spacing, paragraph spacing, all play a part in convincing the reader to continue. I believe the reviewer owes the writer a comment on this matter.
          – Font face and size are fine.
          – Paragraph spacing is good.
          – Using the graphic of a dog as a scene break is clever and appropriate. I like it.

*Check2* Overall Impression:
I applaud your willingness to step out and take some heat. What follows may seem harsh, partly because I am not into frilly words and sugar coating rather prefer communicating thoughts that I hope will help you (and me) improve our writing.
          – Got me to share your sadness and recall my own.

*Check2* Plot:
          – No plot, just a monologue.
          – Works fine.

*Check2* Style and Voice:
          – First person, past tense works well.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
          – You have about 100 words still available.
          – Add some description to paragraph 5 and paragraphs 19-25.

*Check2* Characters:
          – Maybe a bit more description of Mitzy. I would like to know her better.
          – I mentally substituded my own dog.

*Check2* Grammar and Punctuation:
Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.
I ran your story through Grammarly which always finds many comma placement mistakes. Many I ignore because I disagree with them, so I do not comment on them in my reviews. However there was one worth of comment
          – Paragraph 19: “sadness and guilt was complete” s/b “sadness and guilt were complete” (verb form)

*Check2* Mechanics:
          – Monologue is appropriate for telling this story.
          – At first I thought paragraph 28 was unnecessary. On reflection I think I would have felt cheated if you made this up.

*Check2* How did the writing make me feel? Did it invoke any emotions?
          – Tore my heart out.
          – I lost my dog ten years ago and I still miss her every day.

*Check2* Can I relate to the writing through a personal experience?
          – Oh yes
          – I enter this contest frequently.

*Check2* Is there anything I would change within the writing?
          – No.

*Check2* If this were my own writing, what would I want to know from a reviewer?
          – Did I meet my objective? Write a good story that complies with the contest requirements.
          – Answer: Yes. I hope the ideas expressed above will be of value.

*Check2* Suggestions:
          – See above. Pick and choose.

*Check2* This advice I give always, totally, and without exception or reservation:
          – Stories are always richer when characters, places, and events have names – even fictitious ones.
          – Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.

Thank you for sharing your story. I believe that one of the best ways to improve my writing is to review the work of others. So thank you for giving me the opportunity to help both of us write better.


flyfishercacher

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

This is my work in progress. Reviews and comments on any part of it are welcome any time.
 
Renaissance Man - Part 1  [13+]
Story of Torey Campbell, Part 1. Beginning through First Plot Point. Work in progress.
by flyfishercacher



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review of Scarecrow  
Review by flyfishercacher
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Story Review


Hello Queen NormaJean II GreenEyes :
I'm flyfishercacher and I found your story on "No Dialogue Contest

*Jackolantern2* I am reviewing in the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Ghostly Hallows Raid."

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Title: "Scarecrow


*Check2* Objective / Notes from the author:
          – He's Outstanding in His Field - No Dialogue Contest - October 2020

*Check2* Was this written for a contest? If so, what were the constraints:
          – Yes. "No Dialogue Contest October 2020
          – Words < 700
          – No dialogue
          – Prompt: Scarecrow.

*Check2* Word Count:
Word counting programs vary in how they count things such as hyphens, en dashes, and em dashes so the final count varies depending on which software you use. I try to get at least ten words away from the requirement.
          – Required: <700
          – Your count: 700
          – My count: 698
          – Over / under: 0/2

*Check2* Clarification:
To help us stay oriented, I have numbered the paragraphs as you have assigned them.
          – The text beginning “I will stand proudly” is paragraph 1
          – The text beginning “My last night” is the last paragraph which becomes paragraph 13.
I wish WdC had some way to assign line numbers, but they don’t, so we are stuck with just paragraph numbers.

*Check2* Presentation / Appearance: (What I see first. The look of the piece.)
What the reader/viewer sees when opening your work for the first time will make an impression, good or bad, no matter the quality of the writing. Font type, font size, use of bold and italics, line spacing, paragraph spacing, all play a part in convincing the reader to continue. I believe the reviewer owes the writer a comment on this matter.
          – Font size and paragraph spacing are fine.
          – You included the title in the body which I do also but I ‘center’ and ‘bold’ and increase the size.

*Check2* Overall Impression:
I applaud your willingness to step out and take some heat. What follows may seem harsh, partly because I am not into frilly words and sugar coating rather prefer communicating thoughts that I hope will help you (and me) improve our writing.
          – Story unfolded well. I enjoyed it and was not plagued by unanswered questions.

*Check2* Plot:
          – Scarecrow is retired from his job in the garden to being a halloween porch decoration. He is embarrassed by all the tacky inflatables and punces holes in them then rides off with the witch to someplace.
          – Plot works well.

*Check2* Style and Voice:
          – First person, present tense works well.
          – POV character is the scarecrow.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
          – Setting well described.

*Check2* Structure:
          – First person monologue works well.

*Check2* Characters:
          – POV character, the scarecrow is the only character. No problem.

*Check2* Grammar and Punctuation:
Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.
I ran your story through Grammarly which always finds many comma placement mistakes. Many I ignore because I disagree with them, so I do not comment on them in my reviews. The following items are from both Grammarly and me.
          – Paragraph 5: “good sign” better as “promising sign” (good is overused)
          – Paragraph 6: “stuck in the garage, I cannot move” s/b “stuck in the garage; I cannot move” (comma splice – two independent clauses)
          – Paragraph 8: “set searlier, the leaves start” s/b “set searlier; the leaves start” (comma splice – two independent clauses)
          – Paragraph 9: “to my garden, Gary isn’t” s/b “to my garden; Gary isn’t” (comma splice – two independent clauses)
          – Paragraph 10: “Mockery of real things.” (sentence fragment)
          – Paragraph 10: “mail drop” s/b “maildrop”
          – Paragraph 10: “my post, then I am” s/b “my post; then I am” (comma splice – two independent clauses)
          – Paragraph 12: “guard my world from artificial” better as “guard my world against artificial”

*Check2* Mechanics:
          – First person chronological walk through the days of late October.
          – That works.

*Check2* Can I relate to the writing through a personal experience?
          – No. I have no personal experience with a scarecrow to inform this review.
          – This contest is one of my favorites and I enter it frequently.

*Check2* Did the plot interest me? Were the characters believable
          – Yes

*Check2* Did the time, place and other setting characteristics work together?
          – Yes

*Check2* What did I like most? What did I like least? Did anything stand out?
          – Most: Scarecrow observations.
          – Least / Standout: dead crow. Uses up words without contributing to the story.

*Check2* Is there anything I would change within the writing?
          – Review carefully for dead or useless words. Try to get a little farther away from the word limit.

*Check2* If this were my own writing, what would I want to know from a reviewer?
          – Did I meet my objective? Tell a story while meeting the contest requirements
          – Answer: Yes to a great extent. I hope the ideas expressed above will get you the rest of the way.

*Check2* Suggestions:
          – See above. Pick and choose.
          – Change genre from ‘Contest’ to ‘Contest Entry’
          – Change genre from ‘Other’ to something else. Don’t waste an opportunity to be seen.

*Check2* This advice I give always, totally, and without exception or reservation:
          – Stories are always richer when characters, places, and events have names – even fictitious ones.
          – Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.

Thank you for sharing your story. I believe that one of the best ways to improve my writing is to review the work of others. So thank you for giving me the opportunity to help both of us write better.


flyfishercacher

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

This is my work in progress. Reviews and comments on any part of it are welcome any time.
 
Renaissance Man - Part 1  [13+]
Story of Torey Campbell, Part 1. Beginning through First Plot Point. Work in progress.
by flyfishercacher

10
10
Review by flyfishercacher
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Story Review


Hello RickyZ :
I'm flyfishercacher and I found your story on:
 
IN & OUT
Please Review  (E)
This is a page to request reviews for static items and books.
#819237 by Writing.Com Support

I am reviewing it for:
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Title: "The Lady and the Thug Part 3


*Check2* Objective / Notes from the author:
          – Part three of my first attempt at writing a novel. Would greatly appreciate any and all feedback!
          – Esther attempts to represent Richard, but is surprised again by his honor.

*Check2* Was this written for a contest? If so, what were the constraints:
          – No

*Check2* Word Count:
          – My count: 4,666

*Check2* Clarification:
To help us stay oriented, I have numbered the paragraphs as you have assigned them.
          – The text beginning “The carriage rocked” is paragraph 1
          – The text beginning “The two officers stepped forward” is the last paragraph which becomes paragraph 149
          – The text “***” (1 instance) is not numbered.
I wish WdC had some way to assign line numbers, but they don’t, so we are stuck with just paragraph numbers.

*Check2* Presentation / Appearance: (What I see first. The look of the piece.)
What the reader/viewer sees when opening your work for the first time will make an impression, good or bad, no matter the quality of the writing. Font type, font size, use of bold and italics, line spacing, paragraph spacing, all play a part in convincing the reader to continue. I believe the reviewer owes the writer a comment on this matter.
          – Font style and size clearly readable
          – Paragraph spacing good
          – The visual appearance of this scene is good.

*Check2* Overall Impression:
I applaud your willingness to step out and take some heat. What follows may seem harsh, partly because I am not into frilly words and sugar coating rather prefer communicating thoughts that I hope will help you (and me) improve our writing.
          – Splendidly written. Kept me interested all the way and eager for the next.

*Check2* Plot:
          – Richard takes his lashes while Esther tries to figure him out.
          – Bite sized plot appropriate for one or two scenes.

*Check2* Style and Voice:
          – As I said in Parts 1 and 2, you have an interesting style that I enjoy reading.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
          – I had trouble visualizing the punishment site. My mind kept seeing a ship, which obviously doesn’t fit.
          – Provide more detail so I can better see it. Maybe give it a name (better than ‘sentencing platform’ in paragraph 57)
          – The general rule is to weave description into the story in small bites. I don’t think that applies here. With all the action to take place here, I need a vivid picture of the setting.

*Check2* Structure:
The basic unit in reading is the chapter. The basic unit in writing is the scene. Write scenes and think about chapter breaks later.
          – This is two good scenes,with a break between paragraphs 39 and 40. Thus:
          – ‘carriage scene’ paragraphs 1 – 39: 1,396 words
          – ‘academy scene’ paragraphs 40 –149: 3,269 words
          – I do not know if there is an ‘acceptable comfortable’ scene length based on reader attention. My gut keeps pulling me toward approximately 1,500 words for no particular reason. My scenes go way over, so maybe my gut is wrong or vice versa.

*Check2* Characters:
         – Good evolution into understanding Richard, Esther, and Gretchen.
         – I’m starting to like Gretchen. I hope she has a major role as a ‘sidekick’ to Elizabeth.

*Check2* Dialog:
There are many rules for handling dialogue, but these will keep you safe most of the time:
                    – New paragraph every time speaker/actor changes.
                    – Action goes in the same paragraph as the words.
                    – Comma at the end of the speech only if a tag follows. Otherwise a period (? !)
                    – Speech Tags: As few as possible; as many as necessary.
                    – Convention seems to be: Thoughts and inner dialogue in italics, without quotation marks. I think it is a good one.
Review carefully for correct and complete punctuation (especially closing quotation marks). To me this is the hardest part of writing. I hate it.
          – No problems that I could spot. Well done.

*Check2* Grammar and Punctuation:
Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.
I ran your story through Grammarly which always finds many comma placement mistakes. Many I ignore because I disagree with them, so I do not comment on them in my reviews. The following items are from both Grammarly and me.
          – Many places: Hyphenate numbers, e.g., “twenty seven s/b “twenty-seven”
          – Paragraph 1: Two places – “possibly” is redundant.
          – Paragraph 13: “horribly” is redundant.
          – Paragraph 14: “note worthy” s/b “noteworthy”
          – Paragraph43: “half way s/b “halfway”
          – Paragraph 46 “long-“ s/b ‘longer” The hyphen doesn’t work as an interruption. It comes across as a typo. The paragraph is one of exposition not thoughts or words to be interrupted.
          – Paragraph 49 “sub-“ s/b “subside” The hyphen doesn’t work as an interruption. It comes across as a typo. The paragraph is one of exposition not thoughts or words to be interrupted.
          – Paragraph 55: “thunder clap” s/b “thunderclap”
          – Paragraph 63: “Actually” redundant. One of the ‘useless words' to often stuck into writing because of its use in verbal conversation.
          – Paragraph 66: “school houses” s/b “schoolhouses”
          – Paragraph 70: “well recognized” s/b “well-recognized”
          – Paragraph 96: “He wasn’t a law enforcer, he was a thug.” s/b “He wasn’t a law enforcer; he was a thug.” (comma splice)
          – Paragraph 98: “Absolutely” redundant.
          – Paragraph 106: “... wrought with doubt, then he snapped ...” s/b “... wrought with doubt; then he snapped ...” (comma splice)
          – Paragraph 144: “... better to just leave ...” s/b “... better to leave ...” (split infinitive)
          – Paragraph147: “I will be seen ...” much stronger in active voice “The commander will see me.”
          – Paragraph 149: “commander quarter’s” s/b “commander’s quarters”

*Check2* Mechanics:
          – These two scenes work well together and are a logical follow-on to Part 2.

*Check2* How did the writing make me feel? Did it invoke any emotions?
          – Locked in. Suspense held me to the end.

*Check2* Can I relate to the writing through a personal experience?
          – No. I have never been caned.

*Check2* Did the plot interest me? Were the characters believable? Did the dialog flow naturally?
          – Yes.

*Check2* Did the time, place and other setting characteristics work together?
          – Yes, but I had trouble getting a mental image of the punishment site.

*Check2* What did I like most? What did I like least? Did anything stand out?
          – Most: Esther’s character.
          – Least: Nothing.
          – Stand out: Nothing.

*Check2* Is there anything I would change within the writing?
          – No.

*Check2* If this were my own writing, what would I want to know from a reviewer?
          – Did I meet my objective? ‘Would greatly appreciate any and all feedback!’
          – Answer: I hope the ideas expressed above will get help.

*Check2* Suggestions:
          – See above. Pick and choose.
          – Think about abandoning ‘parts’ and writing scenes as complete units. Assemble them later. This will allow you greater freedom to move things around and interject new material if it becomes necessary later on. It may not seem important now because you only have a little bit completed. But later, when you have 80,000 words, the ability to add, subtract, move small bits of text with minimum disturbance will be a blessing. The scene gives you that.

*Check2* This advice I give always, totally, and without exception or reservation:
          – Stories are always richer when characters, places, and events have names – even fictitious ones.
          – Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.

Thank you for sharing your story. I believe that one of the best ways to improve my writing is to review the work of others. So thank you for giving me the opportunity to help both of us write better.


flyfishercacher

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

This is my work in progress. Reviews and comments on any part of it are welcome any time.

11
11
Review by flyfishercacher
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Story Review


Hello RickyZ :
I'm flyfishercacher and I found your story on:
 
IN & OUT
Please Review  (E)
This is a page to request reviews for static items and books.
#819237 by Writing.Com Support

I am reviewing it for:
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Title: "The Lady and the Thug Part 2


*Check2* Objective / Notes from the author:
         – Part 2 in my first attempt at a novel idea. Any feedback would be a huge help.
         – Esther pursues justice from the incident at the Doworth Theatre.

*Check2* Was this written for a contest? If so, what were the constraints:
         – No

*Check2* Word Count:
Word counting programs vary in how they count things such as hyphens, en dashes, and em dashes so the final count varies depending on which software you use. I try to get at least ten words away from the requirement.
         – My count: 4,185

*Check2* Clarification:
To help us stay oriented, I have numbered the paragraphs as you have assigned them.
         – The text beginning “Esther thought it odd” is paragraph 1
         – The text beginning “At that moment all the energy” is the last paragraph which becomes paragraph 155
I wish WdC had some way to assign line numbers, but they don’t, so we are stuck with just paragraph numbers.

*Check2* Presentation / Appearance: (What I see first. The look of the piece.)
What the reader/viewer sees when opening your work for the first time will make an impression, good or bad, no matter the quality of the writing. Font type, font size, use of bold and italics, line spacing, paragraph spacing, all play a part in convincing the reader to continue. I believe the reviewer owes the writer a comment on this matter.
         – For the most part, I found your story pleasing to the eye with comfortable font size and line spacing.

*Check2* Overall Impression:
I applaud your willingness to step out and take some heat. What follows may seem harsh, partly because I am not into frilly words and sugar coating rather prefer communicating thoughts that I hope will help you (and me) improve our writing.
         – As I said in my review of part 1, I completely enjoy this story. The faults are minor and easily fixed. I hope you continue.

*Check2* Plot:
         – This part explores Esther in detail, revealing both her polish and starch.
         – Plot caught and held my interest.

*Check2* Style and Voice:
         – Nothing to add from Part 1. You have an unusual style that I find very refreshing.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
         – Well described.
         – “Docksbury and Combs Academy” is not part of this scene, but this is the second time you have mentioned it. If you do not provide more definition in Part 1, somewhere in paragraphs 143 – 146 might be a good place to describe it in more detail.

*Check2* Structure:
The basic unit in reading is the chapter. The basic unit in writing is the scene. Write scenes and think about chapter breaks later.
         – This part works well as one scene, but like part 1, it is very long at 4,185 words.
         – Scene breaks most often indicate a change of location, but they can just as well be used to signify a time delay.
         – In two places you have extral lines between paragraphs 86 and 87 and paragraphs 133 and 134. Are these meant to be scene breaks? I think they might work well as such.
         – Use *** to indicate scene change.

*Check2* Characters:
         – Esther is the star here, and she shines brightly.
         – You do a good job with the other characters also. With each of them you might include a tiny bit of physical description with each speech tag.

*Check2* Dialog:
There are many rules for handling dialogue, but these will keep you safe most of the time:
                   – New paragraph every time speaker/actor changes.
                   – Action goes in the same paragraph as the words.
                   – Comma at the end of the speech only if a tag follows. Otherwise a period (? !)
                   – Speech Tags: As few as possible; as many as necessary.
                   – Convention seems to be: Thoughts and inner dialogue in italics, without quotation marks. I think it is a good one.
Review carefully for correct and complete punctuation (especially closing quotation marks). To me this is the hardest part of writing. I hate it.

*Check2* Grammar and Punctuation:
Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.

At this time, I am on what might be called a crusade to restore the semicolon to its proper place as a legitimate punctuation mark in the English language and a valuable tool for writers. Please read "The Semicolon.

I ran your story through Grammarly which always finds many comma placement mistakes. Many I ignore because I disagree with them, so I do not comment on them in my reviews. The following items are from both Grammarly and me.
         – – In each of these three instances, you have three repeatitive sentences that would be made more powerful and shorter by combining them into one and separating the clauses with a semicolon. Try it.
                   – Paragraph 20: “Conversation ... passing.”
                   – Paragraph 58: “She felt drained ... the pickup.”
                   – Paragraph 101: “She read ... became incensed.”
         – Paragraph 58: “loner” s/b “longer” (spelling)
         – Paragraph 65: “Gretchen set her” s/b “Gretchen said, as she set her” (proper speech tag).
         – Paragraph 89: “self satisfied” s/b “self-satisfied” (hyphenated word.)
         – Paragraph 142: “Staring out the open door” is a dangling modifier. Suggest rewrite.
         – Paragraph 146: Split infinitive
                   *Bullet* Your text:
                   *Cut* "Our printers are instructed to automatically print duplicates for all parties involved, you see."*Cut*
                    *Idea*My Comment:
                   *Idea**Paste* "Our printers are instructed to print duplicates for all parties involved automatically, you see."
*Paste**Idea*

         – Paragraph152: “surprise. Probably” s/b “surprise – probably” (one sentence)

*Check2* Mechanics:
I repeat myself:
         –The basic unit in reading is the chapter. The basic unit in writing is the scene. Write scenes and think about chapter breaks later.
         – This part works well as one scene, but like part 1, it is very long at 4,185 words.
          – Scene breaks most often indicate a change of location, but they can just as well be used to signify a time delay.
         – In two places you have extra lines between paragraphs 86 and 87 and Paragraphs 133 and 134. Are these meant to be scene breaks? I think they might work well as such.
         – Use *** to indicate scene change.

*Check2* How did the writing make me feel? Did it invoke any emotions?
         – I wanted to stand up and cheer for Esther.

*Check2* Can I relate to the writing through a personal experience?
         – No. I have no personal experience to inform this review.

*Check2* Did the plot interest me? Were the characters believable? Did the dialog flow naturally?
         – Still not much there, but the ‘noble lady’ rips the bureaucracy a new a*****e.
         – I detect a romance coming.

*Check2* Did the time, place and other setting characteristics work together?
         – Yes.

*Check2* What did I like most? What did I like least? Did anything stand out?
         – Most: Esther – everything about her.
         – Stand out: Your handling of complicated dialogue. Well done.

*Check2* Is there anything I would change within the writing?
         – Possibly make it three scenes, with breaks at paragraphs 86/87 and 133/134.

*Check2* If this were my own writing, what would I want to know from a reviewer?
         – Did I meet my objective? “Any feedback would be a huge help.”
         – Answer: I hope I helped.

*Check2* Suggestions:
         – See above. Pick and choose.
         – Please read "The Semicolon

*Check2* This advice I give always, totally, and without exception or reservation:
         – Stories are always richer when characters, places, and events have names – even fictitious ones.
         – Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.

Thank you for sharing your story. I believe that one of the best ways to improve my writing is to review the work of others. So thank you for giving me the opportunity to help both of us write better.


flyfishercacher

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

This is my work in progress. Reviews and comments on any part of it are welcome any time.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review by flyfishercacher
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Story Review


Hello RickyZ :
I'm flyfishercacher and I found your story on:
 
IN & OUT
Please Review  (E)
This is a page to request reviews for static items and books.
#819237 by Writing.Com Support

I am reviewing it for:
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Title: "The Lady and the Thug Part 1


*Check2* Objective / Notes from the author:
          – First attempt at sharing a novel idea. Would MASSIVELY appreciate any and all feedback I can get. Part 2 soon to follow.
          – Sergeant Ordell defends the honor of a noble lady -- perhaps too roughly.

*Check2* Was this written for a contest? If so, what were the constraints:
          – No

*Check2* Word Count:
          – My count: 5,898

*Check2* Clarification:
          – To help us stay oriented, I have numbered the paragraphs as you have assigned them.
          – The text beginning “Richard raised his cigarette” is paragraph 1
          – The text beginning “It was the hardest damn thing” is the last paragraph which becomes paragraph 192
          – I wish WdC had some way to assign line numbers, but they don’t, so we are stuck with just paragraph numbers.

*Check2* Presentation / Appearance: (What I see first. The look of the piece.)
What the reader/viewer sees when opening your work for the first time will make an impression, good or bad, no matter the quality of the writing. Font type, font size, use of bold and italics, line spacing, paragraoh spacing all play a part in convincing the reader to continue. I believe a reviewer owes the writer a comment on this matter.
          – For the most part, I found your story pleasing to the eye with comfortable font size and line spacing.
          – There are a few instances of bad paragraph spacing. Easy to spot, easy to fix.

*Check2* Overall Impression:
          – I applaud your willingness to step out and take some heat. What follows may seem harsh, partly because I am not into frilly words and sugar coating rather prefer communicating thoughts that I hope will help you (and me) improve our writing.
          – I love this piece. You caused me to read in a way I am not used to. That is refreshing.

*Check2* Plot:
          – Hero defends the honor of a noble lady and gets in trouble for it.
         – Plot caught and held my interest.

*Check2* Style and Voice:
          – You have an unusual style that I find very refreshing.
          – You use expressions and phrases that made me ask “Where is this guy from?” I’m betting UK. You need to fill out your bio.
          – Expressions early on that caught my eye:
                    – Paragraph1: ‘hip box’
                    – Paragraph3: ‘lift his coin’
                    – Paragraph3: ‘betting against Peggy’
          – I love to encounter new expressions. However they do slow down the reading and break the flow. Are you OK with this?

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
          – It took a while for me to determine the year was not 2020, but then I never was able to decide if it was 1920, 1820, or 1720.
          – I grew to suspect, but was never sure, that the city was London.
          – First scene or chapter should draw the reader into the story, not leave him puzzling over unanswered questions. Clearly establishing time and place is important, even if the place is fictitious.

*Check2* Characters:
          – Both characters are well described.
         – Give the ‘noble lady’ a name. Paragraph 124 is the perfect place. After learning Ordell’s name, she can reciprocate by introducing herself.

*Check2* Dialog:
There are many rules for handling dialogue, but these will keep you safe most of the time:
          – New paragraph every time speaker/actor changes.
          – Action goes in the same paragraph as the words.
          – Comma at the end of the speech only if a tag follows. Otherwise a period (? !)
          – Speech Tags: As few as possible; as many as necessary.
         – Convention seems to be: Thoughts and inner dialogue in italics, without quotation marks. I think it is a good one.
Review carefully for correct and complete punctuation (especially closing quotation marks). To me this is the hardest part of writing. I hate it.
          – Foul language. I have no problem with foul language when appropriate. However, you should take pains to minimize it. In this case you may have pushed the limit and moved your story from 13+ to 18+. Consider toning it down.

*Check2* Grammar and Punctuation:
          – Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.
          – I ran your story through Grammarly which always finds many comma placement mistakes. Many I ignore because I disagree with them, so I do not comment on them in my reviews. The following items are from both Grammarly and me.
         – Many sentence fragments:
                   – Paragraph 3: “Probably because the bets were always against him.”
                   – Paragraph 3: “Unlike Hank.”
                   – Paragraph 46: “Certainly no one who wasn’t a damn bloody Royal, the real enemy.”
                   – Paragraph 67: “What we did.”
                   – Paragraph 103: “Way to keep it casual.”
         – Paragraph 5: “He couldn’t ever enjoy one quick smoke?” s/b “Couldn’t he even enjoy one quick smoke?”
         – Paragraphs 2 and 4: “match book“ s/b “matchbook“
         – Paragraph 45: “wide eyed“ s/b “wide-eyed“
         – Paragraphs 45 and 48: “off hand“ s/b “off-hand“
         – Paragraphs 115, 127, 132: “bunk mates“ s/b “bunkmates“
         – Paragraph 167: “desk top“ s/b “desktop“
         – Paragraph 187: “ass whooping“ s/b “ass-whooping”

*Check2* Mechanics:
          – The basic unit of reading is the chapter. The basic unit of writing is the scene. Write scenes, insert chapter breaks much later as a separate activity.
          – Paragraphs 134 and 135: You allowed an extra line between these two paragraphs. I think you meant to indicate a scene change. This spot is in fact a scene change. I suggest something stronger — *** is an accepted symbol for a scene change.
          – Paragraphs 144 and 145: There is an unintended paragraph break between the words “Posing” and “threats”
          – Part 1, chapter 1, scene 1? Not sure what I was reading, making it difficult to evaluate.
          – The first scene in the first chapter in a novel has a well defined and very heavy load to carry. Lots of literature available on the subject. Suggest you do some research.

*Check2* How did the writing make me feel? Did it invoke any emotions?
          – Satisfied. I would like to see more of your work.

*Check2* Can I relate to the writing through a personal experience?
          – No. I have no personal experience to inform this review.

*Check2* Did the plot interest me? Were the characters believable? Did the dialog flow naturally?
          – Plot: Not much there yet. Soldier waiting outside theater for friends rescues a damsel in distress, beats up four cops, gets thrown out of some school because of it.
          – Characters very believable. I liked them all.
          – Dialogue flow: ??? A lot of spots that I couldn’t decide whether I was reading dialogue, monologue, thoughts, or exposition.

*Check2* Did the time, place and other setting characteristics work together?
          – No. Never did get clarity on time and place.

*Check2* What did I like most? What did I like least? Did anything stand out?
          – This is a wham, bam, over-the-top action scene. I’m worn out before I even learn the hero’s last name.

*Check2* Is there anything I would change within the writing?
          – Break this into two separate scenes at paragraphs 134 / 135, and write them as separate stand alone scenes. That would also reduce the word count, which at almost 6,000 words is very long.

*Check2* Was the writing memorable? Why or why not?
          – In a way. You have a style that is refreshingly different.

*Check2* If this were my own writing, what would I want to know from a reviewer?
          – Did I meet my objective? “Would MASSIVELY appreciate any and all feedback”
         – I tried to give you that.

*Check2* Suggestions:
          – See above. Pick and choose.
         – You are new to Writing dot com but I have no idea how much writing you do or have done, so please take this kindly. I too am trying to write a novel and i find it hard, arduous work. I need frequent breaks — sometimes just to write something else, sometimes to stop writing all together. So for variety, I write flash fiction, short stories, and participate in contests. I read a lot and I write reviews like this one.
         – I also find that ideas and inspirations do not come in a specific order. I try to capture the scene when it hits me and worry about where it will fit later.

*Check2* This advice I give always, totally, and without exception or reservation:
          – Stories are always richer when characters, places, and events have names – even fictitious ones.
          – Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.

Thank you for sharing your story. I believe that one of the best ways to improve my writing is to review the work of others. So thank you for giving me the opportunity to help both of us write better.


flyfishercacher

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

This is my work in progress. Reviews and comments on any part of it are welcome any time.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review of Death's World  
Review by flyfishercacher
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Story Review


Hello:
I'm flyfishercatcher and I found your story on "Please Review
I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

I am reviewing it for
GROUP
The Rockin' Reviewers  (13+)
~Quality reviews given in a positive and encouraging manner
#1630911 by Hannah ♫♥♫


Title: "Death's World


*Check2* Objective / Notes from the author:
          – I would like to have my static item Death's World reviewed in an honest and hopefully timely fashion.

*Check2* Was this written for a contest? If so, what were the constraints:
          – No

*Check2* Word Count:
          – Word counting programs vary in how they count things such as hyphenated words and contractions so the final count varies depending on which software you use.
          – Required: N/A
          – Your count: 1,449
          – My count: 1,487
          – Still available: N/A

*Check2* Clarification:
          – To help us stay oriented, I have numbered the paragraphs as you have assigned them.
          – The text beginning “Death was on her way back” is paragraph 1.
          – The text beginning “To be continued” is the last paragraph which becomes paragraph 42.
          – I wish WdC had some way to assign line numbers, but they don’t, so we are stuck with just paragraph numbers.

*Check2* Overall Impression:
          – I applaud your willingness to step out and take some heat. What follows may seem harsh, partly because I am not into frilly words and sugar coating rather prefer communicating thoughts that I hope will help you (and me) improve our writing.

*Check2* Plot:
          – Not enough available to evaluate.
          – If forced to guess, which I shouldn’t have to do, I think I am reading the beginning of a “Casper, the Friendly Ghost” type story.

*Check2* Style and Voice:
          – Third person narrative OK

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
          – Give the residence a name. I suspect it should be spooky.

*Check2* Characters:
          – Names are blah — T-1/F-2, Forms, lead council. Give them names.
          – If you insist, then “lead council” s/b “lead counsel or counsul”
          – Here is a website that is great for naming characters and places https://www.fantasynamegenerators.com/ I use it a lot.

*Check2* Dialog:
          – There are many rules for handling dialogue, but these three will keep you safe most of the time:
                    – New paragraph every time speaker changes.
                    – Action goes in the same paragraph as the words.
                    – Use a comma at the end of the speech only if a tag follows. Otherwise use a period (? !)
          – Review carefully for correct and complete punctuation (especially closing quotation marks). To me this is the hardest part of writing. I hate it.
          – You appear to handle dialogue well, but dialogue needs to be accompanied with action and emotion. I don’t know how you do that when the characters are death.

*Check2* Grammar and Punctuation:
          – Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.
          – I ran your story through Grammarly which always finds many comma placement mistakes. Many I ignore because I disagree with them, so I do not comment on them in my reviews. The following items are from both Grammarly and me.
         – Paragraph spacing inconsistent (some separated by space, some not)
         – Many cases of passive voice. Though appropriate sometimes, passive voice weakens your writing. Search for opportunities to rewrite sentences using strong action verbs.
         – Paragraphs 23 and 26: "middle aged" s/b "middle-aged" (hyphenate word)
         – Paragraph 31: "screamed loudly" remove redundancy (can't scream softly)
         – Paragraph 31: "screamed" used twice in two sentences. Use synonym
         – Paragraph 33: "never ending" s/b "never-ending" (hyphenate word)
         – Paragraph 34: "all the way" unnecessary. Consider removing it.
         – Paragraph 39: "affair so" s/b "affair, so"
         – Paragraph 40: "Oh but" s/b "Oh, but"

*Check2* Mechanics:
          – Nothing stood out, positive or negative, except the lack of names. I think that’s because I don’t know where this story is going.

*Check2* How did the writing make me feel? Did it invoke any emotions?
          – Kind of bored.

*Check2* Can I relate to the writing through a personal experience?
          – No. I have no personal experience to inform this review.

*Check2* Did the plot interest me? Were the characters believable? Did the dialog flow naturally?
          – No plot visible
          – Characters believable but need names and better descriptions.
          – Dialogue is okay

*Check2* Did the time, place and other setting characteristics work together?
          – Can’t tell

*Check2* What did I like most? What did I like least? Did anything stand out?
          – Most: The idea that the angel of death has a personality and an opinion about how to do the job.
          – Least: Names or lack thereof.
          – Stood out: No plot yet.

*Check2* Is there anything I would change within the writing?
          – Finish the story before asking for a review.

*Check2* If this were my own writing, what would I want to know from a reviewer?
          – Did I meet my objective?
          – Answer: I don’t know what the objective is.

*Check2* Suggestions:
          – See above.

*Check2* This advice I give always, totally, and without exception or reservation:
          – Stories are always richer when characters, places, and events have names – even fictitious ones.
          – Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.

Thank you for sharing your story. I believe that one of the best ways to improve my writing is to review the work of others. So thank you for giving me the opportunity to help both of us write better.


flyfishercatcher

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

This is my work in progress. Reviews and comments on any part of it are welcome any time.

14
14
Review of Madam President  
Review by flyfishercacher
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (1.5)
Story Review


Hello Robert:
I'm flyfishercatcher and I am reviewing your story at your request.
I hope you find this feedback useful.

I am reviewing it for:
GROUP
The Rockin' Reviewers  (13+)
~Quality reviews given in a positive and encouraging manner
#1630911 by Hannah ♫♥♫


Title: "Madam President


*Check2* Objective / Notes from the author:
          – I've just written this short story for this month's What a Character Contest. It's rough around the edges, so I'd love your thoughts on how I can improve it.

*Check2* Was this written for a contest? If so, what were the constraints:
          – Yes. What A Character Contest (August 2020)
          – Fiction
          – Rated 18+ or lower
          – Word Count <2,000 words
          – Prompt: Write a story about a character who has their greatest wish come true, only to then have to deal with an unexpected price or consequence of it.

*Check2* Word Count:
          – Required: <2,000
          – Your count: 2,000
          – My count: 2,071
          – Still available: -71

*Check2* Clarification:
          – To help us stay oriented, I have numbered the paragraphs as you have assigned them.
          – The text beginning “Mary Soaring Eagle” is paragraph 1
          – The text beginning “She brought up” is the last paragraph which becomes paragraph 87
          – The text “***” (1 instance) is not numbered.
          – I wish WdC had some way to assign line numbers, but they don’t, so we are stuck with just paragraph numbers.

*Check2* Overall Impression:
          – I applaud your willingness to step out and take some heat. What follows is harsh, partly because I am not into frilly words and sugar coating rather prefer communicating thoughts that I hope will help you (and me) improve our writing.
          – When offering a review, one should always start with something nice. I can’t. You acknowledge the story is “rough around the edges.” I’m sorry to say it is fundamentally flawed. Trying to polish it up as minor improvements does you a disservice, and makes me a failure at the task I have willingly chosen to perform.

*Check2* Plot:
          – Wonder Woman faces two earth destroying crises on Inauguration Day and solves them by waking up and changing her major.

*Check2* Characters:
          – Protagonist is too far over the top to be believable: Youngest, first woman, first LGBT, first Native American. I thought I was about to read that she had obtained three PhDs by age ten while attending school on the reservation.

*Check2* Dialog:
          – There are many rules for handling dialogue, but these three will keep you safe most of the time:
                    – New paragraph every time speaker changes.
                    – Action goes in the same paragraph as the words.
                    – Use a comma at the end of the speech only if a tag follows. Otherwise use a period (? !)
          – Review carefully for correct and complete punctuation (especially closing quotation marks). To me this is the hardest part of writing. I hate it.
          – You do well handling dialogue.

*Check2* Grammar and Punctuation:
          – Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.
          – Paragraph 79: “Bidden” s/b “Biden.” If you are trying to make this a fictitious character, changing Biden to Bidden won’t cut it.

*Check2* Mechanics:
          – The technique of putting the hero in an impossible situation, then rescuing him by waking him up (ha ha it was all a dream) is frowned on by readers and especially writers. It tells the reader that you don’t have a complete story and had to use a cheap trick to end it. It will stain your reputation — it already has.

*Check2* How did the writing make me feel? Did it invoke any emotions?
          – Cheated. It made me disappointed in you.

*Check2* Can I relate to the writing through a personal experience?
          – Only other experiences reading bad stories.

*Check2* Did the plot interest me? Were the characters believable? Did the dialog flow naturally?
          – Sort of, then stretched my credibility to breaking with characters that were not believable.

*Check2* Did the time, place and other setting characteristics work together?
          – Inauguration Day events are pretty well known — oath, speeches, parade, parties. You went from oath to world shattering crises before she could hardly get off the stage. You can dismiss that because the whole thing is a dream, but it doesn’t work for me.

*Check2* What did I like most? What did I like least? Did anything stand out?
          – The story did not work at all.

*Check2* Is there anything I would change within the writing?
          – Start over.

*Check2* Was the writing memorable? Why or why not?
          – Yes, but not for good reasons.

*Check2* If this were my own writing, what would I want to know from a reviewer?
          – Did I meet my objective? Satisfy the contest requirements.
          – Answer: No
          – “greatest wish come true” — didn’t happen. She dreamed it came true.
          – “lived with the consequences” — didn’t happen. She just changed her major.
          – Word Count: 71 words over. Maybe I’m too fussy, but I consider exceeding the word count to be a sign of disrespect to the contest host and to the other contestants. It shows me that you really don’t care and are willing to lie about it.

*Check2* Suggestions:
          – Pull this out of the contest before it gets judged or disqualified.

*Check2* This advice I give always, totally, and without exception or reservation:
          – Stories are always richer when characters, places, and events have names – even fictitious ones.
          – Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.

Thank you for sharing your story. I believe that one of the best ways to improve my writing is to review the work of others. So thank you for giving me the opportunity to help both of us write better.


flyfishercatcher

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

This is my work in progress. Reviews and comments on any part of it are welcome any time.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Review of Winner  
Review by flyfishercacher
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Story Review


Hello again Odessa,
Thank you for the opportunity to review your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

I am reviewing it for
GROUP
The Rockin' Reviewers  (13+)
~Quality reviews given in a positive and encouraging manner
#1630911 by Hannah ♫♥♫



Title: "Winner

*Check2* Objective / Notes from the author:
          – What can I do to improve this story?

*Check2* Was this written for a contest? If so, what were the constraints?:
          – Yes. What A Character Contest (August 2020)
          – Fiction
          – Rated 18+ or lower
          – Word Count <2,000 words
          – Prompt: Write a story about a character who has their greatest wish come true, only to then have to deal with an unexpected price or consequence of it.

*Check2* Word Count:
          – Word counting programs vary in how they count things such as hyphenated words and contractions so the final count varies depending on which software you use. I try to get at least ten words away from the requirement.
          – Required: <2,000
          – Your count: None provided.
          – My count: 929
          – Still available: 1,071

*Check2* Clarification:
          – To help us stay oriented, I have numbered the paragraphs as you have assigned them.
          – The text beginning “Oooh, Fernando” is paragraph 1
          – The text beginning “Oh, that’s nothing” is the last paragraph which becomes paragraph 32.
          – The text “_*_” (three instances) is not numbered.
          – I wish WdC had some way to assign line numbers, but they don’t, so we are stuck with just paragraph numbers.

*Check2* Overall Impression:
          – I applaud your willingness to step out and take some heat. What follows may seem harsh, partly because I am not into frilly words and sugar coating rather prefer communicating thoughts that I hope will help you (and me) improve our writing.
          – This is a fun story and an ingenious fit to the contest prompt. You made it work well with humor and good descriptions woven into the story.

*Check2* Plot:
          – Unattractive, self-indulgent girl wins a dinner date with a movie star. Turns out to be a bummer plus costing her big bucks for a dress and a long wait on hold.
          – This plotline makes an interesting story and works well with the contest prompt.

*Check2* Style and Voice:
          – Relaxed and easy to read.
          – A lot of subtle humor, well done.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
          – Apartment — duly noted, then invisible. Good.
          – Dress Shop — well done.
          – Restaurant — obviously a private room set up for a photo op and to dispatch this chore as quickly as possible. I like the way you handled it.
          – Ride home — no mention. You have words available to work with. Did the limo take her home or did they make her take the street car? She could have an angry conversation with the limo driver.

*Check2* Characters:
          – Good job creating characters — both Sheree and Fernando.
          – Sheree should go in your character file for future use.
          – Maybe a few more words to emphasize that Fernando is a pompous ass who is bored stiff.

*Check2* Dialog:
          – There are many rules for handling dialogue, but these three will keep you safe most of the time:
                    – New paragraph every time speaker changes.
                    – Action goes in the same paragraph as the words.
                    – Use a comma at the end of the speech only if a tag follows. Otherwise use a period (? !)
          – Review carefully for correct and complete punctuation (especially closing quotation marks). To me this is the hardest part of writing. I hate it.
          – You handled the dialogue well. Fix paragraph 1 “oooh.” s/b “oooh,” because a speech tag follows.

*Check2* Grammar and Punctuation:
          – Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.
          – I ran your story through Grammarly which always finds many comma placement mistakes. Many I ignore because I disagree with them, so I do not comment on them in my reviews. The following items are from both Grammarly and me.
          – Paragraph 3 "spoil sport" s/b "spoilsport"
          – Paragraph 4 “dialled” s/b “dialed”
          – Paragraph 4 "Contest line, you are" s/b "Contest line; you are" or "Contest line. You are" Two independent clauses improperly joined with a comma. Corect the comma splice.
          – Paragraph 15 "hurumphed" s/b "harumphed"
          – Paragraph 19 "limosine" s/b "limousine"
          – Paragraph 20 "paperazzi" s/b "paparazzi"
          – Paragraph 21 "surounded" s/b "surrounded"
          – Paragraph 21 "join her but he" s/b "join her, but he"
          – Paragraph 21 "so called" s/b "so-called"
          – Paragraph 22 "conversation but she" s/b "conversation, but she"
          – Paragraph 24 "his own career" s/b "his career" Remove tautology
          – Paragraph 25 "amuse buche" s/b "amuse bouche" I think. Check spelling.
          – Paragraph 28 "her glass she covered" s/b "her glass, she covered"
          – Paragraph 29 "was more like it. Chocolate mousse with" would be better as "was more like it — chocolate mousse with"
          – Paragraph 32 "hundred and thirty five quid" s/b "hundred and thirty-five quid"

*Check2* Mechanics:
          – Story flowed well.
          – Three separate settings usually not a good idea in a short piece, but you made it work here.

*Check2* How did the writing make me feel? Did it invoke any emotions?
          – I enjoyed it. Made me laugh while still feeling sorry for Sheree.

*Check2* Can I relate to the writing through a personal experience?
          – No. Being a guy, I have no personal experience to inform this review.

*Check2* Did the plot interest me? Were the characters believable? Did the dialog flow naturally?
          – Yes, yes, yes.

*Check2* Did the time, place and other setting characteristics work together?
          – Yes.

*Check2* What did I like most? What did I like least? Did anything stand out?
          – Most: Sheree gulping her food and the telephone bill punch line.
          – Least: nothing.
          – Stand out: the opportunity for a ‘ride home’ scene.

*Check2* Is there anything I would change within the writing?
          – The story stands well as written, but with plenty of words available, I would take a shot at a scene of disillusionment in the limo trip home.

*Check2* If this were my own writing, what would I want to know from a reviewer?
          – Did I meet my objective? Satisfy the contest prompt.
          – Answer: Yes to a great extent. I hope the ideas expressed above will get you the rest of the way.

*Check2* Suggestions:
          – See above. Pick and choose.
          – Change Sue’s name. I never have two characters with names that start with the same letter.
          – Capture Sheree as a character for future use. You can have a lot more fun with her.
          – Use available words: a scene in a hairdresser or nail salon (make Sheree spend more money, then make the telephone bill a real whopper), or a ‘ride home’ scene.

*Check2* This advice I give always, totally, and without exception or reservation:
          – Stories are always richer when characters, places, and events have names – even fictitious ones.
          – Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.

Thank you for sharing your story. I believe that one of the best ways to improve my writing is to review the work of others. So thank you for giving me the opportunity to help both of us write better.


flyfishercatcher

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

This is my work in progress. Reviews and comments on any part of it are welcome any time.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
Review of With My Own Money  
Review by flyfishercacher
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Story Review


Hello Sonali:
I'm flyfishercatcher and I found your story on "Please Review
I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

I am reviewing it for


GROUP
The Rockin' Reviewers  (13+)
~Quality reviews given in a positive and encouraging manner
#1630911 by Hannah ♫♥♫


Title: "With My Own Money
Author: Thankful Sonali Internet Issue

*Check2* Objective / Notes from the author:
          – Is the plot clear? Does the character come through? Any errors? All feedback welcome, please!

*Check2* Was this written for a contest? If so, what were the constraints?:
          – Yes. What A Character Contest (August 2020)
          – Fiction
          – Rated 18+ or lower
          – Word Count <2,000 words
          – Prompt: Write a story about a character who has their greatest wish come true, only to then have to deal with an unexpected price or consequence of it.

*Check2* Word Count:
          – Word counting programs vary in how they count things such as hyphenated words and contractions so the final count varies depending on which software you use. I try to get at least ten words away from the requirement.
          – Required: <2,000
          – Your count: 1,769
          – My count: 1,779

*Check2* Clarification:
          – To help us stay oriented, I have numbered the paragraphs as you have assigned them.
          – The text beginning “Vishnu’s thin brown hands” is paragraph 1
          – The text beginning “Some things count more than” is the last paragraph which becomes paragraph 61
          – I wish WdC had some way to assign line numbers, but they don’t, so we are stuck with just paragraph numbers.

*Check2* Overall Impression:
          – I applaud your willingness to step out and take some heat. What follows may seem harsh, partly because I am not into frilly words and sugar coating rather prefer communicating thoughts that I hope will help you (and me) improve our writing.
          – I love this story. A very human experience, well told.
          – There is another WdC Contest “Holiday Short Story” (Item:2142083) where the July theme was “chocolate.” This would have been an excellent entry for that contest.

*Check2* Plot:
          – Simple, straightforward, but with an element of suspense and a surprise ending. Meets the requirement of the contest prompt.

*Check2* Style and Voice:
          – Third person, past tense works well.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
          – Family circumstances and relationships well described.
          – Physical location noted but not elaborated. OK.

*Check2* Characters:
          – Every one described well enough for the story.
          – Is there an Indian equivalent for ‘Ma’ and ‘Pa’? If so, use it. Ma and Pa sound very American and out of place in this story. Also give Ma and Pa real names.
          – ‘Maadhav Uncle’ plus others. Is it Indian usage to put the name before the title? That caught me by surprise. Would it apply to other relatives like mother and father?

*Check2* Dialog:
          – There are many rules for handling dialogue, but these three will keep you safe most of the time:
                    – New paragraph every time speaker changes.
                    – Action goes in the same paragraph as the words.
                    – Use a comma at the end of the speech only if a tag follows. Otherwise use a period (? !)
          – Review carefully for correct and complete punctuation (especially closing quotation marks). To me this is the hardest part of writing. I hate it.
          – You handled dialogue perfectly. I found no punctuation errors.

*Check2* Grammar and Punctuation:
          – Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.
          – Paragraph 10: I suggest that “third birthday – and this was” would be better as “third birthday; this was”
          – Paragraph 14: Dayaal is only three, so “cherished for ages” is a bit excessive.
          – Paragraph 18: What is Diwali?

*Check2* Mechanics:
          – I am confused about your use of the terms aunt and uncle. Are these proper titles for real aunts and uncles or just the familiar way kids refer to adults in their immediate world? You capitalize Uncle but not aunty.

*Check2* How did the writing make me feel? Did it invoke any emotions?
          – I enjoyed it. It made me think of my grandkids and their efforts to please.

*Check2* Can I relate to the writing through a personal experience?
          – Yes. I write a lot of short stories and enter many contests. Also I have been to India — once, a long time ago.

*Check2* Did the plot interest me? Were the characters believable? Did the dialog flow naturally?
          – Yes, yes, yes.

*Check2* Did the time, place and other setting characteristics work together?
          – Yes.

*Check2* If this were my own writing, what would I want to know from a reviewer?
          – Did I meet my objective? Contest prompt: “Write a story about a character who has their greatest wish come true, only to then have to deal with an unexpected price or consequence of it.”
          – Answer: Yes, you nailed it. I hope the ideas expressed above will make it a little better.
*Check2* Suggestions:
          – Consider changing “Mishra Uncle” to “Uncle Mishra” and others. While this form may be correct, to me it was a bit disconcerting because I am not comfortable with it. It may bother other readers too.
          – You have plenty of word count to spare. How about weaving in a bit more physical description of Vishnu and Ma.

*Check2* This advice I give always, totally, and without exception or reservation:
          – Stories are always richer when characters, places, and events have names – even fictitious ones.
          – Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.

Thank you for sharing your story. I believe that one of the best ways to improve my writing is to review the work of others. So thank you for giving me the opportunity to help both of us write better.


flyfishercatcher

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

This is my work in progress. Reviews and comments on any part of it are welcome any time.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review of Lone Wolf  
Review by flyfishercacher
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Story Review


Hello:
I'm flyfishercatcher and I found your story on "Please Review
I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.


Title: "Lone Wolf
Author: Robert Edward Baker

*Check2* Objective / Notes from the author:
          – A woman goes on a road trip to fulfill childhood dreams.

*Check2* Was this written for a contest? If so, what were the constraints?:
          – Yes. Rhythms and Writing Contest (July 2020)
          – Fiction
          – Based on prompt (song lyrics)
          – 2,000 words max.
          – Newly written for this contest

*Check2* Word Count:
          – Word counting programs vary in how they count things such as hyphenated words and contractions so the final count varies depending on which software you use. I try to get at least ten words away from the requirement.
          – Required: <2,000
          – Yours (stated): 2,000
          – Mine: 2,005 or 2,009 (there are four instances of *** that may count as a word.)
          – Go through and trim words wherever possible.

*Check2* Clarification:
          – To help us stay oriented, I have numbered the paragraphs as you have assigned them.
          – The text beginning “Marta clenched her” is paragraph 1
          – The text beginning “He smiled” is the last paragraph which becomes paragraph 88.
          – The text *** does not get numbered (four places).
          – I wish WdC had some way to assign line numbers, but they don’t, so we are stuck with just paragraph numbers.

*Check2* Overall Impression:
          – I applaud your willingness to step out and take some heat. What follows may seem harsh, partly because I am not into frilly words and sugar coating rather prefer communicating thoughts that I hope will help you (and me) improve our writing.
          – I am particularly grateful when a review opportunity causes me to do a bit of research thus learning something new. In this case, I was not familiar with the Twilight novel series nor the prompt song “The Long Way Around”. Now I am.

*Check2* Plot:
          – A woman goes on a road trip to fulfill childhood dreams and escape from a deadbeat boyfriend, then meets and presumably falls for a werewolf.
          – The RV road trip picks up the prompt and the camper description nicely.

*Check2* Style and Voice:
          – First person, past tense works well.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
          – The bar scene at the beginning is well written, but given the word limit, it takes up too much space. Recommend cutting it way back and using the words elsewhere.
          – Setting for the wolf encounter well done.

*Check2* Characters:
          – Marta: Hard to describe in first person narrative. Maybe a few words from Bob or Sue.
          – Ted: Well described.
          – Bob: Well described. I see him in a short sleeve shirt with a wide gaudy necktie, tied too short, probably with food stains.
          – Sue: No description, but her dialogue paints a good picture.

*Check2* Dialog:
          – There are many rules for handling dialogue, but these three will keep you safe most of the time:
                    – New paragraph every time speaker changes.
                    – Action goes in the same paragraph as the words.
                    – Comma at the end of the speech only if a tag follows. Otherwise use a period (? !)
          – Review carefully for correct and complete punctuation (especially closing quotation marks). To me this is the hardest part of writing. I hate it.
          – Both conversations (with Bob and Sue) are very well done. They move quickly with no need for speech tags.

*Check2* Grammar and Punctuation:
          – Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.
          – I ran your story through Grammarly which always finds many comma placement mistakes. Many I ignore because I disagree with them, so I do not comment on them in my reviews. The following items are from both Grammarly and me.
          – Paragraph 2 - I think 'dinner' s/b 'diner'
          – Paragraph 6 - 'I’ve given you. Every goddam day since' s/b 'I’ve given you — every goddam day since' (incomplete sentence)
          – Paragraphs 22 and 59 - V.W. or VW Pick one.
          – Paragraphs 49, 59, and 76 - 'Twilight' as a book title should be italicized.
          – Paragraphs 57 and 58 - 'Great Outdoors' why capitalization?
          – Paragraph 58 - 'laying' s/b 'lying'
          – Paragraph 60 - 'became obvious' how about 'became apparent' Word 'obvious' is overused.
          – Paragraph 61 - 'prize' s/b 'pry'
          – Paragraph 76 - change wording. The word 'she' is used five times in this paragraph.
          – Paragraph 78 - 'kinda' how about 'quite', 'somewhat', or 'rather'

*Check2* Mechanics:
          – Story flows smoothly.
          – Need an early reference to werewolf, maybe in paragraph 49. Someone unfamiliar with Twilight would not get the punch line. It made sense to me only after research.

*Check2* How did the writing make me feel? Did it invoke any emotions?
          – Good. I travel a lot in my RV, and I am old enough to remember the VW buses and their role in the culture of the 60s.

*Check2* Can I relate to the writing through a personal experience?
          – Yes. Writing short stories, RV road trips, VW buses.

*Check2* Did the plot interest me? Were the characters believable? Did the dialog flow naturally?
          – Yes. Story kept me involved.
          – Yes. All characters fit.
          – Yes. Excellent dialogue.

*Check2* Did the time, place and other setting characteristics work together?
          – Timeline worked well.
          – Setting for each scene worked well.

*Check2* What did I like most? What did I like least? Did anything stand out?
          – Most. Relationship between the story, the prompt, and Twilight.
          – Most. Conversation with Bob.
          – Least. Had I not checked out Twilight, the punch line would have made no sense.

*Check2* Is there anything I would change within the writing?
          – Cut to get under the word limit by a safe margin.

*Check2* If this were my own writing, what would I want to know from a reviewer?
          – Did I meet my objective? Short story satisfying the prompt
          – Answer: Yes to a great extent. I hope the ideas expressed above will get you the rest of the way.

*Check2* Suggestions:
          – Get rid of about 20 words.
          – Cut the bar scene way back and use the words to describe Marta.

*Check2* This advice I give always, totally, and without exception or reservation:
          – Stories are always richer when characters, places, and events have names – even fictitious ones.
          – Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.

Thank you for sharing your story. I believe that one of the best ways to improve my writing is to review the work of others. So thank you for giving me the opportunity to help both of us write better.


flyfishercatcher

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

This is my work in progress. Reviews and comments on any part of it are welcome any time.
 
Renaissance Man - Part 1  [13+]
Story of Torey Campbell, Part 1. Beginning through First Plot Point. Work in progress.
by flyfishercacher



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
Review by flyfishercacher
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Story Review


Hello:
I'm flyfishercatcher and I found your story on "Please Review
I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.


Title: "My name is George Beggs

*Check2* Objective / Notes from the author:
          — Over all writing quality. Do I need more or less descriptions? Was it boring? Grammar ok?

*Check2* Was this written for a contest? If so, what were the constraints?:
          — No

*Check2* Word Count:2,755

*Check2* Clarification:
          — To help us stay oriented, I have numbered the paragraphs as you have assigned them.
          — The text beginning “My name is George Beggs” is paragraph 1
          — The text beginning “I met a guy named John Green” is the last paragraph which becomes paragraph 77
          — I wish WdC had some way to assign line numbers, but they don’t, so we are stuck with just paragraph numbers.

*Check2* Overall Impression:
          — I applaud your willingness to step out and take some heat. What follows may seem harsh, partly because I am not into frilly words and sugar coating rather prefer communicating thoughts that I hope will help you (and me) improve our writing.
          — I like this story and the two characters, but the quality of the finished product was lacking.

*Check2* Plot:
          — Paragraph 24 You introduced the town of Carterville then did nothing with it. Remember 'Chekhov's Gun'
          — Paragraph 48 Confusing: First sentence "spot not visible". Second sentence "guy in front could see me". Third sentence "we did it any way" Why could he be seen in a spot that was not visible, then proceed with the plan if he was seen by the guy in front of the truck? Delete second sentence.
          — Paragraph 77 (he'll do it free) contradicts Paragraphs 27-29 (He must have money). See suggestion at the end.

*Check2* Style and Voice:
          — First person is good choice for this story.
          — Use of slang and dialect good.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
          — OK. No issues.

*Check2* Characters:
          — George Beggs: Well described physically and personality.
          — Angela Beggs: Could use a little more physical description, especially since George suspects her of having an affair. Is she sexy, dowdy, frumpy?
          — John Green: Description is good, but give poor John a more interesting name. I always use https://www.fantasynamegenerators.com/ to find names.
          — Maybe give Jonesy a more interesting name too.

*Check2* Dialog:
          — There are many rules for handling dialogue, but these three will keep you safe most of the time:
                    — New paragraph every time speaker changes.
                    — Action goes in the same paragraph as the words.
                    — Use a comma at the end of the speech only if a tag follows. Otherwise use a period (? !)
          — Review carefully for correct and complete punctuation (especially closing quotation marks). To me this is the hardest part of writing. I hate it.
          — You have several instances where you end the speech with a period, then follow it with a speech tag. When a speech tag follows, end with a comma even though it is a complete sentence.

*Check2* Grammar and Punctuation:
          — Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.
         – Title: ‘My name is George Beggs’ s/b ‘My Name is George Beggs’
         – Paragraph 01. 'tired' s/b 'tried'
         – Paragraph 03. 'things; Car' s/b 'things; car'
         – Paragraph 04. 'was worried." I said.' s/b 'was worried," I said.'
         – Paragraph 11 'up anything - Not now.' s/b 'up anything - not now.' or 'up anything. Not now.'
         – Paragraph 15 'That's to bad, well you can't' s/b 'That's too bad. Well you can't'
         – Paragraph 18 'showed' s/b 'shoved'
         – Paragraph 21 'from' s/b 'front'
         – Paragraph 31 Second sentence - no quotes on thoughts.
         – Paragraph 34 s/b included in Paragraph 33
         – Paragraph 50 'strait' s/b 'straight'
         – Paragraph 51 'by' s/b 'my'
         – Paragraph 51 end paragraph and start new paragraph at 'The trashman'
         – Paragraph 65 'Both the truck and I was thoroughly wet' s/b 'Both the truck and I were thoroughly wet'
         – Paragraph 69 s/b part of Paragraph 68

*Check2* Can I relate to the writing through a personal experience?
          — No. I have no personal experience other than writing and reviewing to inform this review.

*Check2* Did the plot interest me? Were the characters believable? Did the dialog flow naturally?
          — The very first sentence pulled me in, then the plot unfolded nicely.
          — The characters were believable.
          — Dialogue flowed well except for a couple spots I mentioned elsewhere.

*Check2* Did the time, place and other setting characteristics work together?
          — Yes, yes, yes.

*Check2* What did I like most? What did I like least? Did anything stand out?
          — What did I like most: The character George Beggs
          — What did I like least: Plot hiccups in paragraphs 24, 48, and 27-29/77
          — What hit me was the massive spacing between paragraphs. Why?

*Check2* Is there anything I would change within the writing?
          — Fix grammar and consider other recommended changes.

*Check2* Was the writing memorable? Why or why not?
          — No.
          — If you have a great story with great characters, but turn out a poor finished product, the work will not be memorable.
          — Most of the grammar and spelling errors I found never should have gotten past your first review. A capitalization error in the second word of the title does not give the reader confidence that you care.
          — Formatting counts. You should want to post a product that is finished in appearance and pleasant to read.

*Check2* If this were my own writing, what would I want to know from a reviewer?
          — Did I meet my objective?
          — Answer: Partly. I hope the ideas expressed above will get you the rest of the way.
          — Most of the grammar errors mentioned above should have been caught before you posted this piece.
          — You need to work harder on editing and formatting. Show the reader (me) that you care.

*Check2* Suggestions:
          — How about dropping Paragraphs 27-29 and rewriting Paragraph 77 to pick up this flavor:
Mrs. Jones at the Legal Aid Organization put me in touch with a lawyer named John Green. He is a young lawyer looking to build a reputation. He agreed to look into your case. When we met again, he told me he had looked at the record and found a lot of holes in it and thought ... and offered to do it for free.

*Check2* This advice I give always, totally, and without exception or reservation:
          — Stories are always richer when characters, places, and events have names – even fictitious ones.
          — Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.

Thank you for sharing your story. I believe that one of the best ways to improve my writing is to review the work of others. So thank you for giving me the opportunity to help both of us write better.


flyfishercatcher

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

This is my work in progress. Reviews and comments on any part of it are welcome any time.
 
Renaissance Man - Part 1  [13+]
Story of Torey Campbell, Part 1. Beginning through First Plot Point. Work in progress.
by flyfishercacher



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Review by flyfishercacher
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Story Review


Hello: Bryce Kenn
I'm flyfishercatcher and I found your story on "Please Review
I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.


I am reviewing it for
GROUP
The Rockin' Reviewers  (13+)
~Quality reviews given in a positive and encouraging manner
#1630911 by Hannah ♫♥♫


Title: "If It Happened Today

*Check2* Objective / Notes from the author:
          – Sometimes there's just no reasoning with people.
          – I am looking for some feedback on the believability of the dialogue. Also, if you see stylistic issues, please point them out too.
          – Flash Fiction

*Check2* Was this written for a contest? If so, what were the constraints?:
          – Unknown

*Check2* Word Count: 489

*Check2* Clarification:
          – To help us stay oriented, I have numbered the paragraphs as you have assigned them.
          – The text beginning “The sky was gray” is paragraph 1
          – The text beginning “Several miles away, a dam broke” is the last paragraph which becomes paragraph 18
          – I wish WdC had some way to assign line numbers, but they don’t, so we are stuck with just paragraph numbers.

*Check2* Overall Impression:
          – I applaud your willingness to step out and take some heat. What follows may seem harsh, partly because I am not into frilly words and sugar coating rather prefer communicating thoughts that I hope will help you (and me) improve our writing.
          – This is a clever idea — putting today’s controversy into the context of a Bible story. Shows how the more things change, the more they stay the same.

*Check2* Plot:
          – Flash fiction does not allow much room for plot development, just a setup and a punch line. You did it well.

*Check2* Style and Voice:
          – Easy to read, comfortable.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
          – Paragraph 1 sets up the scene adequately. No need for more in a Flash Fiction piece.

*Check2* Characters:
          – Since the punch line is biblical, maybe the names of the family characters could be taken from biblical bad guys.

*Check2* Dialog:
          – There are many rules for handling dialogue, but these three will keep you safe most of the time:
                    – New paragraph every time speaker changes.
                    – Action goes in the same paragraph as the words.
                    – Use a comma at the end of the speech only if a tag follows. Otherwise use a period (? !)
          – Review carefully for correct and complete punctuation (especially closing quotation marks). To me this is the hardest part of writing. I hate it.
          – Paragraph 16
                    – *Bullet* Your text:
                    – *Cut* "Well," said Dave. "The Reverend *Cut*
                    – *Idea* My Comment:
                    – *Idea**Paste* "Well," said Dave, "the Reverend *Paste**Idea*
          – Paragraph 17
                    – Two speakers in the same paragraph. Break this up.

*Check2* Grammar and Punctuation:
          – Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.
          – I ran your story through Grammarly which always finds many comma placement mistakes. Many I ignore because I disagree with them, so I do not comment on them in my reviews. The following items are from both Grammarly and me.
          – Paragraph 4
                    – *Bullet* Your text:
                    – *Cut* "You know; the government." *Cut*
                    – *Idea* My Comment:
                    – *Idea**Paste* "You know, the government."(not independent clauses).*Paste**Idea*
          – Paragraph 12
                    – *Bullet* Your text:
                    – *Cut* You've been saying all of this time that it's going to rain, and it's going to flood. *Cut*
                    – *Idea* My Comment:
                    – *Idea**Paste* Overly wordy sentence. Rewrite. *Paste**Idea*
          – Paragraph 13
                    – *Bullet* Your text:
                    – *Cut* As to 'who says,' the scientific community has been saying the oceans are rising and that the storms are going to get worse and worse. *Cut*
                    – *Idea* My Comment:
                    – *Idea**Paste* Overly wordy sentence. Rewrite. *Paste**Idea*

*Check2* Mechanics:
          – When writing about Noah, you alternate between first person (“I”) and third person (“he”)
          – Pick one.
          – I recommend “I” Then put the punch line in the mouth of another speaker. Such as: “It’s time to go, Noah. Shut the door,” said my wife, as we looked at each other with tears in our eyes.

*Check2* How did the writing make me feel? Did it invoke any emotions?
          – Punch line surprised me. Good job.
          – You handled the absurdity of the conspiracy theorists well — obvious but not heavy handed.

*Check2* Can I relate to the writing through a personal experience?
          – Yes. I write a lot of dialogue and a lot of Flash Fiction.

*Check2* Did the plot interest me? Were the characters believable? Did the dialog flow naturally?
          – Yes, yes, yes.

*Check2* Did the time, place and other setting characteristics work together?
          – In Flash Fiction, time, setting are imagined by the reader. This piece had no credibility issues, so I guess my mind put all the pieces in place properly.

*Check2* Is there anything I would change within the writing?
          – Fix first person, third person issue.
          – Biblical names for characters.

*Check2* If this were my own writing, what would I want to know from a reviewer?
          – Did I meet my objective — believability of the dialogue?
          – Answer: Yes, to a great extent. I hope the ideas expressed above will get you the rest of the way.

*Check2* Suggestions:
          – See all above.

*Check2* This advice I give always, totally, and without exception or reservation:
          – Stories are always richer when characters, places, and events have names – even fictitious ones.
          – Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.

Thank you for sharing your story. I believe that one of the best ways to improve my writing is to review the work of others. So thank you for giving me the opportunity to help both of us write better.


flyfishercatcher

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

This is my work in progress. Reviews and comments on any part of it are welcome any time.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
20
Review by flyfishercacher
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Story Review


Hello Stu Gillam, Mantis, freeradical:
I'm flyfishercatcher. I am responding to your review request and I hope you find this feedback useful.


Title: "Producers Of The Grijalva Leaf Part 1

*Check2* Objective / Notes from the author:
          – Rated: 18+ · Novella · Supernatural
          – Part 1 of a long short story
          – Genres: Supernatural, Thriller/Suspense, Horror/Scary
          – I've been working very hard to make part 1 of this story (well all 6 parts actually) well written and captivating. But I'm not sure where I stand on that account. Hence my request for your feedback.

*Check2* Was this written for a contest? If so, what were the constraints?:
          – No

*Check2* Word Count:4,393

*Check2* Clarification:
          – To help us stay oriented, I have numbered the paragraphs as you have assigned them.
          – The text beginning “Lasioderma Serricorne” is paragraph 1
          – The text *** is not numbered
          – The text “Honestly, dear cousin, I have no idea.” is the last paragraph which becomes paragraph 72.
          – I wish WdC had some way to assign line numbers, but they don’t, so we are stuck with just paragraph numbers.

*Check2* Overall Impression:
          – I applaud your willingness to step out and take some heat. What follows may seem harsh, partly because I am not into frilly words and sugar coating rather prefer communicating thoughts that I hope will help you (and me) improve our writing.
          – I am a cigar smoker. Happily surprised to encounter a story that appears to be built around the cigar industry.
          – By paragraph 72, I had a lot to confuse me, but not enough to intrigue me.

*Check2* Plot:
          – Not yet apparent, but it’s early.
          – Beginning at paragraph 34, things start to come apart before the story get going:
                    – 1. You have an encounter with a stranger that appears to resolve itself without moving the story forward or creating suspense.
                    – 2. You introduce five new entities in rapid succession with no information: Paulo, The Box, The Producers, The Ones, The Aura. I suspect that is all part of the mystery, but it is too much, too fast. I had to stop and go back and reread “Did I miss something?” “No I didn’t. WTF.” So I reached the end with a head full of questions, no grasp of a storyline, and an inclination to close the book rather than an eagerness to turn the page for more. Way back in paragraph 33, we left Manuel walking to Luze.

*Check2* Style and Voice:
          – “Well written and captivating” You have done well. I like your style of writing. Your weak areas are structure and storytelling.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
          – Paragraphs 1 to 25 give a good description of Manuel and his normal world.
          – Paragraphs 34 to 38 give a good description of Quoquerdas and his normal world.

*Check2* Characters:
          – Miguel: first character, well described. I assume he is the protagonist.
          – Quoquerdas: gets a lot of ink. It appears he will be the antagonist.
          – Stranger: Is he a walk-on or does he show up again later? If he comes back, you need to make his walk off more foretelling.
          – Paulo: makes a late appearance, but I get the feeling he has more of a role later.

*Check2* Dialog:
          – There are many rules for handling dialogue, but these three will keep you safe most of the time:
                    – New paragraph every time speaker changes.
                    – Action goes in the same paragraph as the words.
                    – Use a comma at the end of the speech only if a tag follows. Otherwise use a period (? !)
          – Review carefully for correct and complete punctuation (especially closing quotation marks). To me this is the hardest part of writing. I hate it.
          – So far, you are handling dialogue well.

*Check2* Grammar and Punctuation:
          – Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.
          – I ran your story through Grammarly which always finds many comma placement mistakes. Many I ignore because I disagree with them, so I do not comment on them in my reviews.
          – Grammarly found over 150 issues. Many I dismiss. Many are issues of style which I think are authors choice.
          – Many (too many) are legitimate points of grammar and punctuation that need to be addressed. Too many to itemize here. Your job, not mine.

*Check2* Mechanics:
          – The basic unit of reading is the chapter. The basic unit of writing is the scene. Write complete scenes then insert chapter breaks with hooks and transitions later.
          – I have many thoughts and questions here, worthy of discussion, which I will cover in a separate email.

*Check2* How did the writing make me feel? Did it invoke any emotions?
          – I feel the presence of a good story. I hope there is more.

*Check2* Can I relate to the writing through a personal experience?
          – I am a knowledgeable cigar smoker, so I look forward to a good mystery built around cigars.

*Check2* Did the plot interest me? Were the characters believable? Did the dialog flow naturally?
          – Yes, yes, yes.

*Check2* Did the time, place and other setting characteristics work together?
          – Yes.

*Check2* What did I like most? What did I like least? Did anything stand out?
          – Most: Miguel
          – Least: Confusion

*Check2* Is there anything I would change within the writing?
          – See all other comments.

*Check2* Was the writing memorable? Why or why not?
          – Could be memorable. Not enough there yet. I hope to see more.

*Check2* Suggestions:
          – All above plus comments on “Mechanics” to come as separate email.

*Check2* This advice I give always, totally, and without exception or reservation:
          – Stories are always richer when characters, places, and events have names – even fictitious ones.
          – Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.

Thank you for sharing your story. I believe that one of the best ways to improve my writing is to review the work of others. So thank you for giving me the opportunity to help both of us write better.


flyfishercatcher

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

This is my work in progress. Reviews and comments on any part of it are welcome any time.
 
Renaissance Man - Part 1  [13+]
Story of Torey Campbell, Part 1. Beginning through First Plot Point. Work in progress.
by flyfishercacher




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
21
21
Review of PROXIMA b  
Review by flyfishercacher
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Story Review


Hello reyalicia
I'm flyfishercatcher and I am responding to your review request.
I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.


Title: "PROXIMA b

*Check2* Objective / Notes from the author:
          — Fiction Sci-fi
          — 100 word Flash Fiction

*Check2* Was this written for a contest? If so, what were the constraints?:
          — Unknown
          — 100 word Flash Fiction

*Check2* Word Count: 97

*Check2* Overall Impression:
          — I applaud your willingness to step out and take some heat. What follows may seem harsh, partly because I am not into frilly words and sugar coating rather prefer communicating thoughts that I hope will help you (and me) improve our writing.
          — I love Flash Fiction. 100 words is really tight, almost a Blink, but you did it very well.

*Check2* Plot:
          — Space travel to another planet with a surprise crash landing at the end.

*Check2* Style and Voice:
          — First person, past tense. Good.

*Check2* Grammar and Punctuation:
          — Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.
          — Paragraph 2: ‘crash-land’ should be ‘crash-landed’ (past tense)

*Check2* How did the writing make me feel? Did it invoke any emotions?
          — Surprise at the end, just as you intended. Good job.

*Check2* Can I relate to the writing through a personal experience?
          — I do have experience with Flash Fiction and Blinks. They are two of my favorite forms.

*Check2* Is there anything I would change within the writing?
          — In paragraph 1: Change ‘partner’ to ‘crew’. This is too long a trip for just two people.

*Check2* Was the writing memorable? Why or why not?
          — Yes. A little piece of well-done Flash Fiction.

*Check2* If this were my own writing, what would I want to know from a reviewer?
          — Did I meet my objective?
          — Answer: Yes. A complete story with a surprise ending in under 100 words.

*Check2* Suggestions:
          — If this is for a contest, include the prompt in your introduction. Then after, for the piece that stays in your portfolio, two thoughts.
          — Paragraph 2: Change ‘debris’ to ‘their space junk’
          — Paragraph 2: Add the sentence ‘Our map of their planet put us near a place called Roswell.’ This dilutes the surprise somewhat (but the punch line is only one sentence away), but adds a touch of humor and history.

*Check2* This advice I give always, totally, and without exception or reservation:
          — Stories are always richer when characters, places, and events have names – even fictitious ones.
          — Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.

Thank you for sharing your story. I believe that one of the best ways to improve my writing is to review the work of others. So thank you for giving me the opportunity to help both of us write better.


flyfishercatcher

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

This is my work in progress. Reviews and comments on any part of it are welcome any time.
 
Renaissance Man - Part 1  [13+]
Story of Torey Campbell, Part 1. Beginning through First Plot Point. Work in progress.
by flyfishercacher



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
22
22
Review of Immortal Tear  
Review by flyfishercacher
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Story Review


Hello:
I'm flyfishercatcher and I am responding to your review request. I hope you find this feedback useful.


Title: "Immortal Tear

*Check2* Objective / Notes from the author:
          — Short story, Sci Fi
          — Redemption takes time FLASH FICTION
          — Created: May 2017. Modified: June 2020

*Check2* Was this written for a contest? If so, what were the constraints?:
          — Unknown

*Check2* Word Count: 383

*Check2* Clarification:
          — To help us stay oriented, I have numbered the paragraphs as you have assigned them.
          — The text beginning “I am Thanatos” is paragraph 1
          — The text beginning “I stepped through the door” is the last paragraph which becomes paragraph 11
          — I wish WdC had some way to assign line numbers, but they don’t, so we are stuck with just paragraph numbers.

*Check2* Overall Impression:
          — I applaud your willingness to step out and take some heat. What follows may seem harsh, partly because I am not into frilly words and sugar coating rather prefer communicating thoughts that I hope will help you (and me) improve our writing.
          — First reading left me confused. After the third reading, I made some assumptions about the plot and pressed on.
          — This story is too big for Flash Fiction. Every story has a natural length. You can clean it up with editorial trimming around the edges, but too much cutting destroys the story. If you have an 800-word story and you cut it to 500 words; you don’t have a 500-word story, you have a 500-word mess.

*Check2* Plot:
          — Not clearly discernable. I read the piece carefully, three times, to come up with my interpretation of the plot. Still I’m not sure I got it right. The reader (me) should not have to do that.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
          — Paragraph 9: Why the great hall and silver door? Why not ‘When we disembarked’? If there is some real significance here, I missed it completely.

*Check2* Characters:
          — Were all these characters spirits or living creatures?
          — Pick a couple (Thanatos +1) and make them alive with more description.

*Check2* Dialog:
          — There are many rules for handling dialogue, but these three will keep you safe most of the time:
                    — New paragraph every time speaker changes.
                    — Action goes in the same paragraph as the words.
                    — Use a comma at the end of the speech only if a tag follows. Otherwise use a period (? !)
          — Review carefully for correct and complete punctuation (especially closing quotation marks). To me this is the hardest part of writing. I hate it.
          — Paragraph 3: Two speakers, same paragraph.

*Check2* Grammar and Punctuation:
          — Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.
          — Paragraph 11: ‘bokeh’ Was this a typo? Did you mean ‘broken’?

*Check2* Mechanics:
          — Paragraph 1: ‘overlooking a lifeless world’ is present tense. But story that follows shows much life throughout galaxy. So first sentence sets me up looking in the wrong direction.

*Check2* How did the writing make me feel? Did it invoke any emotions?
          — Confused. Felt like I was being jerked back and forth between past, present, and future.

*Check2* Can I relate to the writing through a personal experience?
          — No. I have no personal experience to inform this review.
          — I am not a sci-fi writer, but I did not feel that to be a necessary prerequisite to read this story.

*Check2* Did the plot interest me? Were the characters believable? Did the dialog flow naturally?
          — Yes, No, Somewhat

*Check2* Did the time, place and other setting characteristics work together?
          — Since this story involves travel around the universe, the distinction among the words ‘world’, ‘universe’, planet’, ‘galaxy’ becomes important. Thus in the first sentence what does ‘world’ mean?

*Check2* What did I like most? What did I like least? Did anything stand out?
          — Most: The basic idea of redemption
          — Least: Lack of character description.
          — Stand out: Missed opportunity to describe space.

*Check2* Is there anything I would change within the writing?
          — Don’t use the word ‘world’. Then carefully choose between planet, galaxy, and universe to keep the reader oriented.
          — Space travel offers the sci-fi writer great opportunities to describe the grandeur of the universe. Google pictures taken by the Hubble telescope, then weave them into your story. Invent planets and star clusters with interesting names, then describe them as you fly by.

*Check2* Was the writing memorable? Why or why not?
          — No. This could be a great story with more words and more work. You short changed it.

*Check2* If this were my own writing, what would I want to know from a reviewer?
          — Did I meet my objective?
          — Answer: I don’t know what the objective was. That in itself is a fault. Was it ‘redemption takes time’? I hope the ideas expressed above will get you the rest of the way.

*Check2* Suggestions:
          — Expand this story:
                    — Provide more detail so the reader (me) can stay in the story.
                    — Provide more description of Thanatos and the children and how they came about
                    — Make the trip across the galaxy a grand adventure with big descriptions of the vistas in space and maybe some minor encounters along the way.

*Check2* This advice I give always, totally, and without exception or reservation:
          — Stories are always richer when characters, places, and events have names – even fictitious ones.
          — Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.

Thank you for sharing your story. I believe that one of the best ways to improve my writing is to review the work of others. So thank you for giving me the opportunity to help both of us write better.


flyfishercatcher

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

This is my work in progress. Reviews and comments on any part of it are welcome any time.
 
Renaissance Man - Part 1  [13+]
Story of Torey Campbell, Part 1. Beginning through First Plot Point. Work in progress.
by flyfishercacher



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
23
23
Review of Last Words  
Review by flyfishercacher
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Story Review


Hello:
I am flyfishercatcher and I found your story on "Please Review
I am reviewing it for
GROUP
The Rockin' Reviewers  (13+)
~Quality reviews given in a positive and encouraging manner
#1630911 by Hannah ♫♥♫

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.


Title: "Last Words

*Check2* Objective / Notes from the author:
          — Short Story, Death

*Check2* Was this written for a contest? If so, what were the constraints?:
          — No

*Check2* Word Count: 1,570

*Check2* Overall Impression:
          — I applaud your willingness to step out and take some heat. What follows may seem harsh, partly because I am not into frilly words and sugar coating rather prefer communicating thoughts that I hope will help you (and me) improve our writing.
          — “Last Words” is a great story. It kept me hooked throughout.

*Check2* Plot:
          — Writer gets access to dying people and records their last words for story inspiration.
          — Clever idea for plot.

*Check2* Style and Voice:
          — First person, present tense. Good choice, handled well.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
          — Excellent description of POV character’s digs.
          — Hospital setting well known, so description can be minimized. Writer handled well.

*Check2* Characters:
          — Give the lady in room 9 a name.
          — Possibly a name and a bit more description of the young man and his relationship to the dying lady. Could he be a relative who is real clergy?

*Check2* Dialog:
          — Review carefully for correct and complete punctuation (especially closing quotation marks). To me this is the hardest part of writing. I hate it.
          — You handled it well.
          — Dialogue in paragraphs 3 through 9 moves very rapidly. I had to go back and read it slowly to keep the speakers straight. That suggests a couple speech tags might help.

*Check2* Grammar:
          — Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.
          — I ran your story through Grammarly which always finds many comma placement mistakes. Many I ignore because I disagree with them, so I do not comment on them in my reviews. The following items are from both Grammarly and me.
          – Paragraph 2. "pace" twice in the same paragraph (suggest synonym)
          – Paragraphs 1 & 2 "desk" four times in two paragraphs (use synonyms)
          – Paragraph 18 "yes of" s/b "yes, of" (add comma)
          – Paragraph 22 "vibrant blue" suggest "a vibrant blue"
          – Paragraph 29 "a prayer" s/b "prayer" (remove a)
          – Paragraph 37 "much" s/b "many"
          – Paragraph 41 "3" s/b "three" (spell out numbers less than 10)
          – Paragraph 41 "words" 4 times in one paragraph use synonyms
          – Paragraph 41 "strange" 3 times in one paragraph use synonyms
          – Paragraph 41 "Teetering ... falling off." Incomplete sentence. Rewrite or connect
          – Paragraph 42 "The experience ... into writing" Wordy sentence, too many noncontent words, rewrite to avoid: the, with, was, at, of, my, and, to, be, into
          – Paragraph 42 "The unmade ... laptop." Sentence fragment.
          – Paragraph 43 "This is" possibly better as "This was"
          – Paragraph 43 "in fact" unnecessary
          – Paragraph 44 "slowed and" s/b slowed, and" (add comma)
          – Paragraph 44 "hours and" s/b "hours, and" (add comma)

*Check2* Mechanics:
          — As displayed on screen in WdC, the paragraphing indentation are inconsistent.

*Check2* How did the writing make me feel? Did it invoke any emotions?
          — A well written story makes me feel good just because I like to see the craft successfully exercised. This one was well written.
          — Emotion: Satisfaction — what a clever plot.

*Check2* Can I relate to the writing through a personal experience?
          — No. I have no personal experience to inform this review.

*Check2* Did the plot interest me? Were the characters believable? Did the dialog flow naturally?
          — Yes, yes, yes.

*Check2* Did the time, place and other setting characteristics work together?
          — Yes

*Check2* What did I like most? What did I like least? Did anything stand out?
          — Most: Writer in his apartment. Very vivid. Stumbling through prayer well done.
          — Least: Nothing.
          — Stand out: Clever plot.

*Check2* Is there anything I would change within the writing?
          — Comments elsewhere.

*Check2* If this were my own writing, what would I want to know from a reviewer?
          — Did I meet my objective?
          — Answer: I assume your objective was simply to write a great short story. You succeeded.

*Check2* Suggestions:
          — See all above.
          — Keep writing and keep posting.

*Check2* This advice I give totally and without reservation or exception:
          — “Stories are always richer when characters, places, and events have names – even fictitious ones.”
          — Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over. Our eyes are very forgiving, but our ears almost never let us down, alerting us to something that needs fixing, even if we can’t describe the problem.

Thank you for sharing your story. I believe that one of the best ways to improve my writing is to review the work of others. So thank you for giving me the opportunity to help both of us write better.


*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

flyfishercatcher



This is my work in progress. I would appreciate review and/or comment on any part of it. Thanks.


Signature for use by anyone nominated for a Quill Award in 2020

A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences,
for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. ... make every word tell.

– Will Strunk







24
24
Review by flyfishercacher
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Story Review


Hello:
I am flyfishercatcher and I found your story on "Please Review
I am reviewing it for
GROUP
The Rockin' Reviewers  (13+)
~Quality reviews given in a positive and encouraging manner
#1630911 by Hannah ♫♥♫

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.


Title: "Trenton 1781 - Draft Chapter for Review

*Check2* Objective / Notes from the author:
          — Part of a draft novel that takes place during the final days of the American Revolution.
          — Draft! Expect to find errors / craft issues. Critique setting, dialogue, characters.

*Check2* Was this written for a contest? If so, what were the constraints?:
          — No

*Check2* Word Count: 3,284

*Check2* Overall Impression:
          — I applaud your willingness to step out and take some heat. What follows may seem harsh, partly because I am not into frilly words and sugar coating rather prefer communicating thoughts that I hope will help you (and me) improve our writing.
          — I love American History, especially colonial history. So you engrossed me, and I learned something in checking your accuracy. I was not familiar with the “Overmountain Theater” and the exploits of Lt Col John Sevier. Your piece led me there.
          — I assume this is NOT chapter 1. If it is, most of what I say is irrelevant and you need to fall back and study up on the special requirements of chapter 1.

*Check2* Comments:
You gave a lot of background information, so it was a bit unclear what was actually text to be reviewed. This was my assumption:
Text begins at "John kicked dirt..." that becomes paragraph 1
Text ends at "You just worry about yourself..." that becomes paragraph 129

Time hack:
In some places the words led me to question when this was happening, so I went back and did a time hack:
Paragraph 11 -- "night had fallen"
Paragraph 19 -- "darkness of the night's sky"
Paragraph 27 -- "night enveloped the town"
Paragraph 68 -- "evening dusk" does not fit
Paragraph 82 -- "in the darkness"
Paragraph 124 -- "sun rising soon"

All of the action (disregarding the para 68 misfit) happens in the dead of night. There were several things that stretched my credibility, especially the sharpshooting, and riders recognized at a distance. I suggest you reread the entire chapter asking this question of each sentence: "Could this happen/be seen in a pitch-black night?" Maybe an easy answer is to give them a full moon.

You seem to have an excellent grasp for historic accuracy, so I won't attempt to critique your facts, but there were a few items that caused me to stop and question rather than stay buried in the story:

1. Cherokee -- I always placed the Cherokee in the west and associated the eastern Indians with the Delaware, Iroquois, and Mohawk. I did not take the time to go digging for correctness, but it did cause me to stop reading. Maybe a few words of clarification would keep the reader from tripping over this (or maybe I'm the only one). Also why does this adventure rate a chief?

2. Battle of Trenton -- as interesting as it is, you spent too much time with it - 196 out of 3,284 words (6%), three full paragraphs (4,5,6). I do that a lot myself and I hate to cut it out, but we must keep the story moving.

3. Short paragraphs as bursts of recognition, e,g, para 13 "Odd. Where was everyone?", para 32 "An ambush!". I think you can get away with "Bang!" but the others are, I presume, John's thoughts. They need tags. The convention I use is to put thoughts in italics and tag them.

4. I never did get a satisfactory answer as to why the town was empty. Paragraph 84 doesn't cut it. Why was the whole town wanting/waiting to ambush them? Who were the occupants of the town? Paragraphs 95,96,97 are a setup for a battle. Paragraph 98 reveals the riders to be friends. Then the ambush by the townspeople evaporates.


*Check2* Plot:
          — Characters are carrying an important pouch from Jefferson in Philadelphia to Henry Knox in West Point.
          — This scene is an overnight stop in Trenton gone awry.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
          — Pretty good except for time and visibility problem.

*Check2* Characters:
          — Personality well developed.
          — Don’t know what they look like. Were they described in earlier scenes?

*Check2* Dialog:
          — Review carefully for correct and complete punctuation (especially closing quotation marks). To me this is the hardest part of writing. I hate it.
          — You did it well.

*Check2* Grammar:
          — Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over.
          — Even though you proclaimed that this was a draft and the reviewer should expect some errors, I think you should have polished it a little more before asking someone to spend time reviewing it. I passed over the errors and will not critique them, but there were some that were obvious and would have been caught with even a cursory review. You owe a reviewer that courtesy.

*Check2* How did the writing make me feel? Did it invoke any emotions?
          — Curious
          — Want to see finished product

*Check2* Can I relate to the writing through a personal experience?
          — Yes. I was born and raised in this part of the country and have always had an interest in colonial history.

*Check2* Did the plot interest me? Were the characters believable? Did the dialog flow naturally?
          — Yes, yes, yes

*Check2* Did the time, place and other setting characteristics work together?
          — Partly. See comments above.

*Check2* Suggestions:
          — See above.

*Check2* This advice I give totally and without reservation or exception:
          — “Stories are always richer when characters, places, and events have names – even fictitious ones.”
          — Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over. Our eyes are very forgiving, but our ears almost never let us down, alerting us to something that needs fixing, even if we can’t describe the problem.

Thank you for sharing your story. I believe that one of the best ways to improve my writing is to review the work of others. So thank you for giving me the opportunity to help both of us write better.


*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*



This is my work in progress. I would appreciate review and/or comment on any part of it. Thanks.


Signature for use by anyone nominated for a Quill Award in 2020

A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. ... make every word tell. – Will Strunk



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
25
25
Review by flyfishercacher
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Story Review


Hello Holly:

Title: "The Great Escape (Part Two)

*Check2* Objective / Notes from the author:
          — None.

*Check2* Was this written for a contest? If so, what were the constraints?:
          — No.

*Check2* Word Count: 2,354

*Check2* Overall Impression:
          — Since this is a follow-up review to part 1, I'll just say that part 2 left me dissatisfied.

*Check2* Plot (Nagging questions):
          — If this is a long work, you want to preserve the mystery by not giving away information too early, but you don't want the reader to hang up on nagging questions that prevent him/her/me from staying with the story. There were several that left me dissatisfied at the end of Part 2:
                    — What led the cops to Castle?
                    — How did the cops identify Luce? She was just a citizen with no record.
                    — What about Luce's purse?
                    — Paragraph 32: "CCTV footage from the car park outside Castle." This needs an explanation.
                              — Whose car?
                              — Why was the car there?
                              — Why was the car there with CCTV?
                              — Why was the car there on opening night?
                              — Why was the car there at all?
                              — How did the cops get footage?

*Check2* Dialog (Speech Tags):
          — The general rules for speech tags are "as many as necessary, but as few as possible" and "Can be omitted if it is perfectly clear who is speaking."
          — The questioning of Luce by Officers Forster and Lee is a three-way conversation that requires a little more help to keep the speakers straight and offers an opportunity to introduce bits of character description if Forster and Lee are going to be significant players later in the story. I lost track of who was speaking.
          — Paragraph 15: " 'Take your time,' Officer Lee smiles kindly." could be " 'Take your time,' Officer Lee says, smiling kindly, as she picks up the questioning."
          — Paragraph 24: "Officer Forster rolls his shoulders back, sitting a little straighter." then Paragraph 25: “Everyone that went into that club last night, except you, never came out.”
Is Forster now the speaker or is Lee continuing? Since 25 is a separate paragraph, it does not follow automatically that Forster is the speaker.
Paragraph 25 could be: “Everyone that went into that club last night, except you, never came out,” barks Forster, an edge in his voice, as he takes the ball back from Lee.

*Check2* Grammar:
          — Paragraph 54 (last paragraph): “The was the police” s/b “That was the police” (That not the)


*Check2* This advice I give totally and without reservation or exception:
          — “Stories are always richer when characters, places, and events have names – even fictitious ones.”
          — Always read your story out loud. Your tongue will force your brain to slow down, allowing you to catch many mistakes that your eye would pass over. Our eyes are very forgiving, but our ears almost never let us down, alerting us to something that needs fixing, even if we can’t describe the problem.


Thank you for sharing your story. I believe that one of the best ways to improve my writing is to review the work of others. So thank you for giving me the opportunity to help both of us write better.


flyfishercatcher


*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*


This is my work in progress. I would appreciate review and/or comment on any part of it. Thanks.
 
Renaissance Man - Part 1  [13+]
Story of Torey Campbell, Part 1. Beginning through First Plot Point. Work in progress.
by flyfishercacher


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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