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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rlhazlett
Review Requests: ON
10 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Still the same  
Review by flyfishercacher
Rated: E | (4.5)
“I Write In 2020” Review


Greetings, I am pleased to read your work as part of "I Write in 2020, and offer here my comments and suggestions for your consideration.

Review of "Still the same Title: Still The Same


*Check2* What I liked:
         -- The raising then dashing of hope. Hate to see that in real life, but works well in a story.
*Check2* Overall Impression:
         -- I have participated in the Flash Fiction Challenge. It is very hard to meet all of the requirements in just 300 words (and in one day). You did it well.
*Check2* Plot:
         -- I had to read it twice to clarify that she was just home for her first visit. Did I get that right? Maybe some rephrasing would clarify.
*Check2* Style and Voice:
         -- Good first-person storytelling.
*Check2* Scene/Setting:
         -- Unclear. I think she was home for her first visit and went to her bedroom to do drugs. Did I get that right?
*Check2* Characters:
         -- Three clearly identified with elaboration on only one. Well done.
*Check2* Dialog:
         -- A one line punch in the face — terrific!
*Check2* Grammar, Spelling, and Mechanics:
         -- No errors noted. Careful editing is appreciated.
*Check2* Suggestions:
         -- My thoughts above would lead to more words. I know you have a word limit and a time limit. Maybe they will help in a future version of the story.
Thank you for sharing your story. Please keep writing!

2
2
Review by flyfishercacher
Rated: E | (3.5)
“I Write In 2020” Review


Greetings, I am reading your work as part of "I Write in 2020, and offer here my comments and suggestions for your consideration.

Review of "Their Most Important Decision Title:Their Most Important Decision


*Check2* Overall Impression:
         -- A good story which provides a lot of opportunity to practice writing techniques
*Check2* Plot:
         -- For "Twisted Tales" there was no twist or surprise ending.
         -- Needs more conflict. Maybe tougher time with agency personnel
*Check2* Style and Voice:
         -- Story could be told in first person with John or Mary as the POV character
*Check2* Scene/Setting:
         -- Building worth more words. Also use all five senses, e.g., sound - kids yelling or babies crying. smell - dirty diapers, food cooking.
         -- Did kids live at this facility or was it just an office.
*Check2* Characters:
         -- More physical description woven into action
         -- 'John and Mary Jones' weak. Give them more interesting names
*Check2* Dialog:
         -- All dialogue pushed to the last half of the story. Give some of the early descriptions as words from the characters,e.g., "This place needs painting," said Mary.
         -- Need 'action beats' to avoid talking heads.
*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:
         -- Ran the story through 'Grammarly'. No spelling or grammar errors. 16 issues with comma placement but I often disagree with Grammarly's opinion on comma usage.
         -- Looks like you were very careful here. Good job.
*Check2* Suggestions:
         -- No need to protect privacy in fiction unless there is something in your real experience that you want to keep private. If so, I think the story is too thinly veiled to fool anyone.
         -- Work on interspersing dialogue with description.
         -- Above all, KEEP WRITING!
Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!

3
3
for entry "* Soup's On!
Review by flyfishercacher
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
“I Write 2020” Review


Greetings, I am reading your work as part of "I Write in 2020", and offer here my comments and suggestions for your consideration.

Review of "ruwth is writing... Title: Soup's On!


*Check2* Overall Impression:
         -- Warm and caring feeling. I like it
         -- Reminds me a bit of the fable 'Stone Soup'
*Check2* Plot:
         -- Appropriate for a short piece -- remembering good times while going through the process of trying to prepare a meal in hard times.
*Check2* Style and Voice:
         -- Appropriately melancholy.
*Check2* Scene/Setting:
         -- Kitchen is important. A few more words of description would add to the atmosphere.
*Check2* Characters:
         -- No description, but I formed my own vivid image. That's good writing.
*Check2* Dialog:
         -- None. Putting thoughts in quotes might confuse the reader.
*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:
         -- remininced s/b reminisced
         -- gotten use s/b gotten used
         -- aquaintance s/b acquaintance
         -- alk s/b all
         -- thoughts in italics instead of quotes
*Check2* Suggestions:
         -- I know you have already submitted this entry, but if you are able to edit, fix the spelling and grammar errors.
Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!

4
4
Review by flyfishercacher
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Xiea:

It sounds like you have a formidable task. I thought this would be an easy piece to review, since I do have some experience in public speaking, but I have more questions than answers.

A speech is different than a story and the success criteria are different. There are two basic speech types:

Informative speech: Convey information. Most prevalent is the "How to" speech where the structure is based on a series of steps.

Persuasive speech: Get the audience to do something. A "Call to Action" speech where the structure is reasons and examples to support the call to action.

For your submission, I would have to invent another category — the syrup speech — a speech where you pour warm syrup over the audience, tell them how wonderful they are, and how grateful you are to be able to worship at their feet.

What you have offered for critique is the syrup speech. Now here are the questions I couldn't answer in order to critique your speech.

1. When is Teachers Day – beginning or end of school year?
2. What is the purpose of Teachers Day – inspire a great year ahead or thanks for a great year past?
3. Who are the teachers in your audience – high school, middle school, elementary school?
4. What is the purpose of your speech, as assigned – to motivate or to adulate?

Bottom line:
If Teachers Day is at the end of the year to say thanks, your syrup speech is pretty good.
If Teachers Day is at the beginning of the year to inspire performance, start over.

But I would advise this:
Do not try to speak from a word by word text. Create note cards with the points you want to make, then fill in the words as you speak.

Whatever notes you use should be in a very big type, you should not have to squint at typewritten pages while you speak. If possible, write the notes in bright red ink, using open manila folders as the note cards. Then lay them flat on the stage where you are presenting. Get out from behind the lectern, walk about the stage, and use your notes to give you the cues for spontaneous remarks that come across as heartfelt comments.

Good luck!

5
5
Review by flyfishercacher
Rated: E | (4.0)
Mathematics is the language of God and Music is his voice. Most people do not understand the intricate relationship between mathematics and music. For them I feel sad.
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