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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/robinsegg
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24 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Rated: E | (4.0)
First of all, I love how you mentioned that this piece was based on a song. So often, I find myself compelled to create a piece of writing based on music that I love.

I also love the transition that occurs in this story, how it begins with the main character about to walk out, but when something very serious happens (something that may further scare someone away from a career as a truck driver), the character takes the high road and makes a totally different decision! Way to go on character development and evolution!

If I may make a few suggestions:

A) There is a skip from past tense to present in the middle of a paragraph. "As time passes" would read easier if it began another paragraph, signifying and preparing the reader for the change in tense.

B: I've noticed that many lines towards the beginning seem very short, and I feel like they would be more powerful and descriptive if they were connected. Less periods, more commas! And...(this is just a thought, its not my place to tell you how to write) Was he all upset? Did he "make his way" into the foreman's office, or did he storm into it and fling the door open with a loud BANG as the doorknob smacked into the old drywall of the cheaply-constructed office?

My point is, I am really impressed at the way this story moved along, and completely got turned around at the end. I love it. I would encourage you to focus more on description OUTSIDE OF dialogue (which is also my kryptonite...I always have to go back and remove dialogue in narrative) and to expand your style more so that your paragraphs run more smoothly.

Thanks for sharing your writing! Please keep writing!
2
2
Review of The Real Me  
Rated: E | (4.5)
So basically described, yet so real and so valid!

Plagued, always, is the creative mind by racing feelings; madness and calm, depression and contentment! How do we make sense of it all?

Know that writing, as you have just done, is so great. You do yourself a service by releasing yourself, and you add to the understanding of others. I am so grateful that you shared yourself with the writing community. I myself am no stranger to such feelings.

Write on!

3
3
Review of My Name Is Salma  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I feel like you really took this prompt head-on. Very world-wise, very aware, and I feel like the narrative was very well thought-out. I encourage you to continue writing in this way. Thank you for sharing!
4
4
Review of The Big Decision  
Rated: E | (3.5)
What a lovely and heartfelt exchange of dialogue between the two characters here! I was touched by this piece because it reminds me of the way my parents treated me, all the sacrifices they made in order to provide the most encouragement and best opportunities for education the possibly could.

And, I say "dialogue" because I LOVE dialogue in a story, so much so that I often forget to include any narrative at all to express any outside view of how characters are interacting in my own writing. I feel like this piece could be even more powerful, in two ways:

a) a bit of narrative between dialogue to describe each character's personal feelings and demeanor during the conversation, which indeed must be emotional for both parties, or

b actually write it in script format, so that the readers may feel like the conversation is right there, in front of them to witness.

I looked at your port and saw that you are a parent yourself, and I love that you share writing and thoughts that must be very valid in your life. Just a few suggestions, but the best writer is a happy writer. I hope you loved writing this as much as I enjoyed reading it!

(Oh, there is a line that just needs an extra space between the next one--the "Well sometimes" and "That was nice of Grandma" one. Otherwise the dialogue is easy to differentiate.)
5
5
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is written very lyrically. I can feel the emotion that goes with this piece, and it makes it very real for the reader. I am glad that you shared this piece with the writing world. You could be a great song-writer!
6
6
Review of A Vital Cycle  
Rated: E | (3.0)
I do like how the simplicity of frustration develops into a bit of hope at the end there. Is this based on a personal journey? Either way, some further visual description might help your work a bit. Other than that, I respect tour conviction and your use of words to inspire feeling in the reader. Write on!
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Review of Serpent lies...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I'm glad that contest advertisement led me to this piece. I am also embarassed that the only reason I came across this was because I was interested in the contest.

Your knowledge of poetry scheme is, to me, impressive, and the message you are sending in this piece is not only powerful, but well-thought-out and beatifully communicated.

Forgive me for being brazen, but are you a Christian?

I'm off to view your port now. I look forward to seeing more work from you. Also, you might be mildly entertained by a piece in my own port titled "Bogeys". It's my sad attempt at poetry.

Please keep writing, the world will love it!
8
8
Review of The Journey  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I noticed a change in the structure of the poem right there at the end. A little confusing, but I caught on. I love the imagery, especially the way you chose to convey the rain in a way different to how it is usually thought of. Rain typically denotes negativity, but you've given it a different appearance by referring to it as "tears of joy".

As a Christian, I of course loved the subject matter. I hope to read more of your work soon! God bless!
9
9
Review of Urban Nematodes  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I noticed a few typos here and there, but other than that, I love the subject matter. I grew up and currently live in the Chicago-area, so I am very familiar with the type of scene you so accurately depicted.

Comparing the squad car sirens to the howling of wolves..? Beautiful imagery. Whether you're the guy running the amateur unlicensed pharmaceutical operation on the corners of Van Buren and Cicero, or an innocent bystander, that's something NO ONE wants to see or hear.

Keep up the good work.
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10
Review of Under the Bed  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really enjoyed this piece. I remember very well being a kid, and no matter how many times my parents took the bottle of Windex and told me it was anti-monster spray and spritzed it around the room, I knew I was always safest curled up on my bed with my eyes squeezed shut--cuz if I can't see them, they can't see me, right?

I almost feel like as adults, we still find ways to hide under the covers. Whether it was intended or not, I've noticed a bit of symbolism as the narrator of this poem talks about being an adult--about how we can still revert to childlike habits when we are afraid or worried, tho more figuratively speaking.

Keep up the good work--I feel that this poem was very well written and thought out!

Sincerely,
Elizabeth

P.S. "The thing under my bed waiting to grab my ankle isn't real. I know that, and I also know that if I'm careful to keep my foot under the covers, it will never be able to grab my ankle.
- Stephen King"--Is this from the forward of "Night Shift", or am I mistaken? I've read so much King that I may be getting mixed up at this point, but that one is definitely one of my favourite collections!
11
11
Rated: E | (5.0)
Firstly I would like to thank you for taking the time to read and review an article in my portfolio. I really appreciated that. :)

Secondly, I wanted to say that your article about the issue of fair rather than unethical fixed elections in Haiti is well written, well thought-out, and highly educated. Very nice work. Unfortunately because my inernet access is limited and i don't have cable, I am not very updated as to the goings-on in the world. I have however, heard about what is going on withe Haitian government prior to reading this, and I fully agree with your standpoint. Especially because what goes on in one country can affect many others, which you've stated well. Keep up the good work.
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