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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rrledford
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51 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of I KILLED MY WIFE  
Review by Armadillo
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
What's best with this poem is the strong sense of mood and vivid imagery it conveys.

Where it needs more work is in the awkwardness of phrasing to force rhymes, and various issues with out of sync tense.
The rhythm and meter of many stanzas is quite uneven, yet with little effort could be much improved.
I will give a couple examples here, which when read out loud will clearly indicate what I mean.


"But there she lay silently robbed out of her life.

Ages seemed to have passed since I killed my wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REWORKED:

In silence she lays there, now robbed of her life.

Seems an age has passed since I killed my wife.

############################################################

"So here I go out of your world. Take care of your life.

Live happily with no remorse that’s the wish of your wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REWORKED:
From your world I now pass; take care of your life.

Live with joy, not remorse, that's the wish of your wife

All the Best! -Armadillo
2
2
Review of Wit  
Review by Armadillo
Rated: E | (4.5)
A well crafted poem with consistent rhyme and engaging self-deprecating humor.
Very clear picture of how things play out in your world of living in the moment of the afterthought.
As one with the same affliction, I quite sympathize with your circumstance, but at least you write fast.
I would have had to spent 4 hours on such a poem! It's the quality that matters, not the speed of delivery.
Some of us just have a more elaborate wind up before we deliver, and nothing wrong with the unexpected twist of a slow knuckle ball either.
All the Besr!
3
3
Review by Armadillo
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
Much misinformation and too one-sided a piece. Doctors are big pharma DRUG PUSHERS, and drug companies (not lawsuits) have incentivised them into over prescribing.
Big Pharma fakes their efficacy tests and hides harmful side effects for greed. Bayer executives proceeded to KNOWINGLY ship HIV contaminated Factor-8 to thousands of hemopheliacs worldwide, AFTER they discovered was contaminated - FULLY AWARE IT WOULD KILL PEOPLE!. No criminal murder prosecutions ever resulted! Yeah, "as much money as they can in the short time that they have market exclusivity,"
Big pharma totally dominates med schools into teaching doctors to have drugs be the 1st answer for all health rpoblems. What about diet & lifestyle issues?
I don't agree with a profiting-by-refusing-to-pay-for-my-treatment system.
The largest healthcare insurance companies refuse to pay from 40-28% of claims submitted to them.
The more they refuse, the more profits they make.
All other civilized countries regulate by dis-allowing profits. If having a non-profit government run public option is the only way to force realistic pricing, then to bad for the greedy. Lets see how much profit they can squeeze out of those who are wealthy enough to not care about being ripped off.
What other kind of insurance is there where you can pay for 10-20 years with no claims, and then as soon as you have a problem, it is up to them to decide whether or not they are going to cover your situation? =NONE!
4
4
Review by Armadillo
Rated: E | (3.5)
This poem well conveys the torments of a returning vet.
There is good effort to maintain end-of-line rhymes, but not without some awkwardness.
A little more effort toward rhythm and number if syllables could strengthen the poem's impact.
This poem well deserves to receive just a little more revision.
For my favorite stanzas, some examples of how slight tweaks can improve flow:

Torturing the innocent, killing the poor
And =>for this<= they call me a hero of war?

A hero of War! Is that what you see?
=>No<= further from truth could you ever be.

As sleep evades me night after night
My former self fades, falling further from sight

Visit my portfolio to view some of the most politically hard edged poetry on this website.

-RRLedford
5
5
Review of Yesterday  
Review by Armadillo
Rated: E | (4.5)
Philosophical Analysis ----
"A poem about the redundancy of everyday life"
This intro line engaged me to start reading your poem.
The philosophical direction compelled me to its finish.
Along the way, its focus seemed less on "redundancy" than on irrelevance. Were some things left un-revealed?
And would swimming lessons have made all the difference for one who had already "jumped in" "and learned to swim"? No kind of lessons will ever make you failure proof. What happens in our failures is never the problem - it's only the past. It's what decide that it means for/about us going forward - that's where things get sticky.

At the end, to to whose argument do you concede your life as being "lived in vain"? I need to hear more from that accuser's voice - the rest of the poem is too one-sided. I need to hear each side of this argument, before you just go and outright concede.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Poetry Analysis:

By itself, the 2nd stanza is a very profound poem, and it totally can stand alone.
For flow, I would only drop the "A" in the third line to give => Cheap change in self it had once been.
When I read your next line "But now it's lost deep in my drain" - my mind heard=> But now I'm lost deep in my pain
You may not have intended this, but it certainly appeared most potently anyway, and the cord of empathy it evoked was as strongly moving as any line of poetry I ever read!

As for the rest of the poem, it needs work. My rating is a point higher than it would have been, because of the truly outstanding second stanza.
The swim analogy is rather overworked, and the third stanza's (3) lines ending in "to swim" tire me out. You can do better I'm sure.
The beautiful flow of the 2nd stanza gets lost in many of the later lines as the poem continues. Read them out loud and you will hear these lines that need to be reworked /shortened,

After the 2nd stanza I think all the rest of the poem could be condensed into just two or three more stanzas, if they matched the caliber 2nd stanza. I know you can accomplish this.

I do not normally devote this much effort to a review, and that I did is a testament to how much I see this poem as a real gem taking shape.
All the Best!
-Armadillo
6
6
Review of LOVING ME  
Review by Armadillo
Rated: E | (3.5)
I love your mono-rhyme, as I use it too.
Your honest self assessment also shines through.
You can still kick it up a notch or two:
I would rate this piece a point higher if the rhythm-flow-syllables per line aspects were bit tighter.

Illustrating this, you might enjoy a similar theme mono rhyme poem of mine:
Dream a High.Way
Dream a High.Way  (E)
Undelivered communications are poison to relationships
#1310100 by Armadillo


Another longer multi - mostly -mono -rhyme on a political theme is:
Poetic Torch Scorches NEO-Tyranny Agenda "Poetic Torch Scorches NEO-Tyranny Agenda

-All the Best!
-Armadillo
7
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Review by Armadillo
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Robin,
I spent a lot of time reading through this new poem. It is just the kind of piece i love to see shining brightly at WDC
The strength of your message resonates clearly, revealing the truely depraved nature of our sad excuse for a leader.

The construction still seems a little off in places, and I'm sure these will improve with a little more time and effort.
Often it is just a little rearranging or word swapping that takes those sections up a notch.

A few ideas/suggestions/examples ----

All hail to THEE, our mighty chief

I speak of he who rules our lands;
On which, we thought, world freedom stands…

Your saddle, Cowboy Bush, get off!
I beg you cease to scheme and scoff

These words, we think, MUST MARK your grave,
MOST SURELY missing will be – brave.
YOU LACKED THE gallantry to lead…
So on your headstone it shall read:

Poor ol G.W. LOST his chance
To heal our ills and thus advance
Our world into an age of peace -
Where war and hatred WOULD then cease.
Instead he chose the brainless path
Where mighty egos PLANNED their wrath
Around their smug and foolish days.
You failed us, George. Let’s count the ways…
8
8
Review by Armadillo
Rated: E | (4.5)
I wonder if "The Unopened Door" might not make a better title?
Excellently written. The flow of words and thoughts always come around to a tight wrap-up so well in your poems. Yet you leave the space open for more thinging at the same time!

Minor correction "There's millions" => There're millions
For the sake of meter: => Left clues all around US For science to tout

It's not what's behind the "closed door" that intrigues me -- it's what's behind the CLOSING of the door that I want to understand.

I don't buy into the idea that "faith gets me through" to other side of the closed door, straight into heaven.....and stop at the collection plate on my way too please.

What if life is just empty and meaningless. What if that very fact ASLO doesen't have to mean anything either? You see for most people, it translates into "life sucks, if there is no meaning".
9
9
Review by Armadillo
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I like the overall flavor and sarcasm here. Some references may be too subtle for me. Is that Enron-Kenny? Donald versus Rummy or D-Rum? Worthy hire -- worthy of what?
I'm a big fan of merged words with synergetic meanings - sheeple! The rhyme is solid and I would rate higher except for the drift on the fairly consistent 8-syllable lines. Meter of some lines wants attention => As Dickie counts the barrels twice.
While Justice he so rudely mocks
The last two lines need some work. too much happening in just two lines. I suggest => flys home, in place of "is comming home" This poem well deserves a little more work. All the best. -Armadillo
10
10
Review of picasso quote  
Review by Armadillo
Rated: E | (4.0)
If I hadn't belived it with my own mind, I wouldn't have seen it!
Not so clear on how I should be reviewng this - as a graphic design effort? If so, then a lot depends on what the intended goal was in executing the design. Not knowing this forces me to make assumptions.

As to the statement itself - if I imagine myself stepping into the path of a fast moving bus, and having it just pass right through me , this will never be real. Is it because my imagining of such an event was too weak, being tethered somehow by the known bounderies of physical reality? Or is it really just a weak imagination that keeps me stick within the confines of a restricted level of reality?
As far as your image goes, It looks very realistically woody. I seems rather dark, drab, and weakly contrasted. The font designs seem well crafted and carved, yet the letters are aligned rather poorly.
All the best - Armadillo
11
11
Review of Reunion  
Review by Armadillo
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I felt the emotional tensions of the dysfunctional family very deeply and these scenes were well crafted. Overall point of view was a little too heavily tilted toward your perspective, else I would have likely rated this a five. Good presentation of descriptive details. The time shifting worked well for me despite being a quite short story. Overall a very engaging and satisfying read.
12
12
Review by Armadillo
Rated: E | (4.5)
A touching picture tenuously poised to turn things a new way with the tide. Still, the abrupt uncertainty at end lets me down a bit, as it seems the one who knows all the the answers has only questions to give.
13
13
Review by Armadillo
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I find this to be s very interesting read in light of the current high level of attack on this wall, and the Supreme Court this very week allowing a huge liberal breach of this wall with the Executive branch being allowed to assign certain federal funding for clearly Christian organizational activities. The points of view of both sides are fairly represented. The arguments are made clear. I would only encourage a greater focus on questioning why it is that various esteemed religious leaders cannot comprehend this this essential element of the Constitution, and must continue to aggressively push to neutralize it when it comes to their own agendas?
14
14
Review by Armadillo
Rated: E | (2.0)
I like the idea, voice and perspective of the poem alot.
The rhythm I hear is askin' for a few added or removed syllables here and there, for examble:

FROM=>
"The world is large and frightening
yet I have no time to fear
moments are but moments
experienced as laughter or a tear"

TO=> In a world so large and frightening
yet still no time to fear
moments are just moments
to bring laughter or a tear
FROM=>
"Every day I am learning
although I don't quite understand
why all this school work
has to be so very carefully planned"

TO=> Every day I'm learning
though I don't quite understand
why all this school work must be
just so very carefully planned?

You may intend a different meter than what I'm hearing

The voice and vocabulary go out of sync for me when the big words appear.
Stay engaged with it a bit longer. Still room for more facets to be polished onto this one.
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