** Image ID #2180275 Unavailable **
I am part of a WDC group called "Reviewing with Honesty". I'm doing some reviewing today, while also catching up on my perusal of the postings in the Dew Drop Inn, and have chosen this piece of yours to review.
This piece is wonderful! It really drew me in! I could relate so much!
First, in response to your 'Author's Note', I am convinced that what you've created here truly works . . . at least it certainly did for this reader! (I'm not familiar with the idiom, "on the nose", . . . and looked it up . . . but I still can assure you that even if more concrete and perhaps less concrete that your other work or than you intended, it sure had meaning to me.
I also think it's important to begin by pointing out that none of us are infallible experts, and that you can do as you wish with the feedback I provide. Ultimately, it is your decision what is best for you and your writing. My suggestions are given with good intentions, with a hope to help us all grow closer to being the best writers we can be.
- - Kudos - -
- - This piece is quite interesting and thought-provoking! Well done!
- - It sounds/felt to me like you were describing me and my partner. I know I am incredibly blessed to have found my soul mate while relatively young and without an super long drawn-out ordeal to arrive at that place. Your words reminded me of that.
- - Sometimes we joke about being 'happily co-dependent', and while that's a less-than-perfect descriptor, it warmed my heart and continually hooked me, drawing me in as your reader.
- - I appreciated your placement of lines, words, and punctuation. The way in which line 11 reached out farther and farther, as if reaching to meet and clasp, way emotive.
lines 1 - 4 - - nicely descriptive, hooks the reader and brings him/her along with you for the storytelling.
It's fun to imagine this interaction where these two individuals met
- - Favorite, unique, compelling word choice and/or phrases - -
- - "--I've fallen into your orbit." - - Love this!
- - "where does "I" end and "you" begin" - - Love this one too, as so often my partner and I feel this way!
- - "when your motion / affects me, and I am moved--" - - It's fun how this may first feel emotional and then you move into physical movements.
I liked that flow and that sequencing.
- - "lean into your arm," - - I can feel this as I read
- - "brush your hair back," - - This is a wonderfully sensual line, expressing an intimate gesture...
- - "--our names fall together / from friends' lips." - - Yes!
You've described this so well! Yes, our friends too rattle off our names as one word: "Ruth & Renie", "Ruth 'n Rene", "R&R"
- - This is a wonderful, heart-warming way to express those around a couple sensing and acknowledging their oneness!
- - "interacting-- / intertwined"
- - Imagery / Figures of Speech / Figurative Language - -
IMAGERY - -
VISUAL - - Stanza 1: the dropped pen image, the bright blue eyes
Stanza 2 - - "lean into your arm", "brush your hair back", "brushing, meeting, clasping"
SOUND - - Stanza 1: the sound of the dropping pen came alive for me, the laugh
TACTILE - - Stanza 2: "lean into your arm", "brush your hair back", "brushing, meeting, clasping"
ALLITERATION - -
"bright blue" - "from friends' " - "interacting-- / intertwined" (assonance)
- - Questions and/or Room for Improvement - -
Spelling, images, etc. were all correct/clear/appreciated
I know you just asked for a 'review' not a rating, but being someone who does not give many "5s", it's significant to me that this would definitely get a 5. Thought you deserved to know that!
Beautiful! I hope it is autobiographical!