abcdemily,
First, cute name. I sometimes do that accidentally when I am spelling something aloud. Onward!
This is a good draft, with a lot of base material that can develop into a compelling story. You have some elements, like the assault of the innocent lamb, that increase the tension of these woods. How do the woods remind her of where she came from, and if they are 'dark and damp' and scary, why does she enter them? What is the significance of the line "Knowing that no one could see her..."? These are questions you can answer within the story, as part of the telling. ( She entered the woods, soothed by the familiar damp moss and distant shrilling of wild birds. These reminded her of home more than the deep shadows and odd howling frightened her. A taste of home was more potent than some vague uneasiness.) Listen as you read aloud and you'll notice the places where questions are implied and answers can be worked into the story line.
Readability is the very first thing that will prevent you from developing an audience for your writing. It is difficult for the eye to track a large block of text, so break it up::
She looked like she was deep in thought, lost in the depths of her own mind. Day dreaming about somewhere much better than this. She sees herself without a care in the world, skipping through a flowery field. She stops and lays down in the warm summer air. Her curly golden hair surrounding her head like a halo. She reaches toward the sky with her finger and writes on the blue vast canvas, {/i}Hello world. This is me.
Knowing that no one else could see it she got up and wandered into a long deep forest. It was dark and damp and reminded her of were she came from. Suddenly she comes to a split in the path. She knows one will take her out of this scary...
Notice how much easier it is to read? Proper use of paragraphs also helps your reader know when a scene or action changes, when a new character is intorduces, and when a new person is speaking.
Next, watch your sentence structure. In the following section there are several sentence fragments, denoted by parenthesis ( ). A fragment does not stand on its own. ::
She looked like she was deep in thought, lost in the depths of her own mind. ( Day dreaming about somewhere much better than this. ) She sees herself without a care in the world, skipping through a flowery field. She stops and lays down in the warm summer air. ( Her curly golden hair surrounding her head like a halo. ) She reaches toward the sky with her finger and writes on the blue vast canvas, {/i}Hello world. This is me.
Also, watch your word order- [...writes on the blue vast canvas,] should be [vast, blue canvas] - and punctuation [comma between vast and blue].
Try to avois cliched expressions like "the light at the end of the tunnel". You can use the idea, just reword it.
Once you have written your piece, go back and read it out loud.This will help you catch odd phrasing and will help you find better ways of telling your stories. This is a good draft, it offers you a lot of base information from which to build a compelling tale. Try to either get completely into your character's head and tell the tale as if they were telling it (point of view, first person) or completely out of your character (point of view, third person) . In third person, she would have to speak her thoughts for us to know her thoughts.
(Example third person: "Oh, good! The lighted path is the right one. Or is it? Maybe it's a trap. Maybe the light is to lure me like bugs to the porch light? But the other path is so dark, and scary. This must be the right way!" Her decision made, she began to walk down the lighted path.) Did you note the rewording of " light at the end of the tunnel"?
(Example first person: She was deep in thought, lost in the depths of her own mind dreaming about a better place. She imagined herself skipping across a flowery field with not a care in the world. ) Try to keep the tense the same - 'looked like' is past tense, 'sees herself' is present tense.
There is plenty of potential in your story. In beginning to write, there is a bit of a struggle figuring out how to get the full blown movie out of your head into words on a page. It isn't as complicated as it seems. Pick one of the areas I mention above, go through the story and work on that concept only. Then read aloud again, and work on another area. After you rewrite a couple of stories, you'll notice that they start coming out more complete in the first draft, requiring less reworking later.
Two other things you can do to improve your writing skills are to read a lot and review other peoples work. You don't have to give them the reviews if you are uncomfortable - you can move up to that later - but do write them! This gives you practice writing, and practice noticing waht works and what needs work.
If you choose to rework this piece, I'd love to see it. If you choose not to rework this one, try to incorporate the concepts of writing into the next one. ~Rikki
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