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80 Public Reviews Given
80 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
My review style is usually very grammar oriented, although I of course will give my impression of the piece as a whole, detail successful areas, and suggest improvements for figurative devices/language, character development, etc.
I'm good at...
Usually I'll review short stories, fiction, fantasy, and other prose styles. Poetry is not my strong suit, however I am always willing to help in whatever way I can.
Favorite Genres
I'm partial to fantasy, fiction, and historical fiction.
Favorite Item Types
I love short stories and longer fiction pieces.
Public Reviews
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26
26
Review of My choice  
Review by Wintersage
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello!
Your story has left me wanting a conclusion or more context, anything to resolve Hana's issue and learn more about the characters. That being said, I have a few correction/critiques/suggestions below.

Critiques:
- In the second sentence, you use the phrase "honey colored hues." I'm not entirely sure what you mean by "hues"- are you referring to her eyes or maybe her skin color? I suggest replacing "hues" with another word, or adding onto that phrase to clarify your statement.

- The sentence that reads "She couldn’t believe her last plan failed so miserably it felt like everything was against her goal to succeed..." feels like it would flow better as two separate sentences. Try cutting off the first sentence at "miserably."

- To differentiate between characters, and make the switch between subjects clearer, I recommend bringing "Isn't that what you said last time..." into a separate paragraph. Currently everything is all squashed together and a bit difficult to read. Spacing out the text will help the reader stay focused on the story.

- In the sentence "Rin allowed Hana to drag her only a few steps before dragging to a stop...", you have used "drag" (or some form of "drag") twice, although the second time, I think a different word, maybe "coming," would fit the context better. While repetition can be used to emphasize different actions within stories, sometimes if words are repeated many times throughout one sentence, readers will lose interest instead of gain it.

- Finally, this is just formatting advice, but typically, when writing in dialogue, each time you switch speakers, you should start a new paragraph. Here's an example of what I mean. If you don't do this, you can confuse readers and draw attention away from what is being said.

Ex. Rin’s red eyes glared in disapproval only momentarily locking with Hana’s eyes. “But we’d be together, we could help each other out, you get that thing you wanted and I’d...”
         “No, I’m not getting wrapped up in this, I can’t always be your crutch.” Rin struggled to argue as guilt began overpowering her, seeing her words only upset Hana further.
         “If your not there, then I can’t fix the problem, if I can’t fix the problem, then I truly have failed in my duties, I’m a failure...” Rin winced, taking a step back trying to defend her own actions.          “You’re not a failure, you just need something new, literally anything else.” Rin trailed off and only the sound of the winds from the red sky above filled the silence.
         “I just...” Hana muttered, the words barely reaching Rin. “Need another chance!”

Notice how when one character is speaking, they get their own paragraph, however, when the text switches speakers, then a new paragraph is formed. (There is one part in the above paragraph, where I indented and formed a new paragraph because I'm not exactly sure who is speaking, so that might be another point to clarify - “No, I’m not getting wrapped up in this, I can’t always be your crutch.” Rin struggled to argue as guilt began overpowering her, seeing her words only upset Hana further.
“If your not there, then I can’t fix the problem, if I can’t fix the problem, then I truly have failed in my duties, I’m a failure...” Rin winced..." In this section its hard to tell if Rin ahs said both pieces of dialogue, or if Hana has spoken one of the lines.)

Anyhow, that's all for now. I really did enjoy the story, and I look forward to exploring the rest of your portfolio! If you have any questions about either my interpretation of the text or any other part of the review (especially if my explanation makes no sense,) feel free to reach out and ask questions.

Thanks for sharing and Happy Writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
27
27
Review by Wintersage
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello!

So far this is a lovely beginning to what I am sure will be a fantastic tale. Your imagery, first of all, is very well done, and I loved the emphasis placed on the tragic background of each of the characters.

I do have a few corrections for you, so take from them what you will. Also, it should be noted that when I reference the "paragraphs" where I have found certain areas to be lacking in one way or another, these "paragraphs" include single lines (such as lines of dialogue) between larger paragraphs.

Critiques:
- In the first paragraph, you state that the light between the arrow slits are casting "slithers" of light across the water. I believe you mean "slivers."

- About seven paragraphs down (give or take,) the line "Aira was of an age when needed to learn to tell if it was safe to enter the castle unnoticed by humans" appears. You look like you are missing the "she" in between "when" and "needed."

- In the 13th paragraph, you state that "Airen had never entirely got over the loss" of his wife. The sentence may read better if you replace "got" with "gotten," as well as replace "the" (in front of "loss,") with "she" to re-emphasize his wife's death. It might also be worth noting that because this is not just any loss, it is the loss of the mother of his children as well, it would be interesting to add a line in about how Aira has dealt with her mother's death (if she remembers her death at all.) This would also add to the necessity/impact of Gretchen's mothering as you transition subjects.

- In the phrase "...free of serving humans" which can be found in the 25th paragraph, I think you should take this moment to re-emphasize the aversity of the brownies to their oppressed way of life by really filling out the phrase with even more specific diction. Maybe stating "free of our endless years of servitude under the ungrateful humans" (or something along those lines.)

- When Meg mentions that she has been "searching for hours," the phrase sort of underestimates the magnitude of her desperate search for others of her kin. Try "days" or "months" instead.

- In the second to last paragraph, try replacing "...she had still got her sleeves rolled up after her tasks" with "...for her sleeves were still rolled up." Using "got" in such a way often can lower your level of eloquence.

That's all for now! If I have misinterpreted anything, or if any part of my response makes absolutely no sense, please feel free to reach out to me for clarification!

Thanks for sharing and Happy Writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Wintersage
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello!
I thoroughly enjoyed your passage - most especially the twist ending, though (and this is just personal opinion,) I don't feel that the genre fits well with "horror" (though I can see why it would fall into such a category.) The entire situation is a bit too comical -almost satirical- for it to be a gripping tale of suspense and terrifying plot devices - my schema of horror. Anyhow, I have a few corrections for you (many of them personal opinion,) so take from them what you will.

Corrections:

- In the third paragraph down, you write- "It's always the same, more or less, the same robotic responses and smile." In this sentence you use "same" twice. I suggest removing the second use of the word, and add an adjective in front of "smile."

Ex. It's always the same, more or less; robotic responses, a placid smile, each lackluster exchange pushing me farther and farther from sanity.

- I'm a stickler for succinct vocabulary, so I suggest replacing "...how long it is..." (found in the fourth paragraph,) with "the length," to economize on words. In addition, you do not need to emphasize "falling to her shoulders" as the alternative hairstyle, because it's a given that Einstein-like hair is very unique - your readers do not need you to explain what the hair is not doing/what hair generally does because people are familiar with "ordinary hair."
Basically, write what is present, not what isn't.

- Also in the fourth paragraph, the sentence "It's true though, the patients do behave better for a doctor than a nurse. Doctor carries a sense of authority..." begins rather strangely. The diction you have chosen to begin the sentence comes off rather abrupt, almost as if you are answering or responding to a question or statement that (at least from the readers perspective) had not actually been made yet. I suggest fiddling with that transition a little more- make it blend with the above offered information.

- In the sentence "Hairy and devoid of any intelligent life I see..." about five paragraphs down (minus the interrupting dialogue,) you have added "I see" to a sentence that is already showing what you see. Those last two words are a bit awkward and the sentence stands alone without them just fine, so I advise removing them.

- Avoid using a verb twice in a sentence when the point has already been made, essentially, please remove one of the "sits" from the sentence that reads- "Sitting a few centimeters into her ear canal sits a tiny spider."


- Much farther down the passage, you use the phrase "My breaths are short...." Because writers tend not to address individual breaths, rather focusing on the act of breathing, try replacing the phrase with "my breathing shortens/accelerates."

- Often, throughout this passage, you tend to restate similar thoughts to emphasize your point. While this is not wrong, it does tend to wear on the reader a little when you have three sentences that all say the same thing. Avoid repetition by either combining sentences or playing with sentence structure a more so that instead of starting every other sentence with "I..." you are using a variety of language tactics. Below, I adjusted two sentences to fit the above statement.

What you wrote: "I take the rest of the day off. I spend the afternoon in a thoroughly abysmal mood."

These sentences can easily be combined (in this case not because they are repeating each other) but because they both start with "I..." and would flow better if connected.

Ex. I take the rest of the day off, spending the afternoon in a thoroughly abysmal mood.

That's all! Hopefully this critique was useful and though my review may come off as harsh, I really do intend the best. You have a very promising passage as well as an advanced grasp of vocabulary.

If in any way I misinterpreted the text, (or if any of my response makes absolutely no sense,) please feel free to contact/email me. I would love to help in any way I can.

Thanks for sharing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Wintersage
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello!

This is a really lovely little passage, and I do not know if you wish to continue it or not, but if so, I am excited to see the resolution of the plot - and what is means for Leah and July.

Corrections/Critique:

- First of all, the phrase in the first paragraph "one from two hundred" doesn't come across very well. I suggest changing it simply to "two hundred."

-At the end of the first paragraph, you have written this sentence; "There they lived happily and peacefully, the children of a logger and a nurse." This is just personal preference, but it might be interesting to switch "the children of a logger and nurse," to rest between "they" and "lived happily and peacefully." This way the paragraph ends not on who they are, but how they have grown up and are living now.

- In the second paragraph, there are three sentences that read as though they should really be one. ("Leah had always had a wonderful smile, the earnest sort that could brighten anyone's day. And she was letting that very smile shine in this moment, letting all know how happy she was. For she had finally finished sewing her dress." If you do decide to keep the sentences separate, however, keep in mind that for a sentence to be grammatically correct, you should not (usually at least, there are certain exceptions) start with "and" or "for." Both of these words are transition/linking words. You cannot start a sentence with them because if you let the sentence stand independently, it will seem incomplete.

- You might want to replace "things" with "trinkets." (As seen at the end of the third paragraph.) "Things" is just a little vague, and just exchanging that one word can really enliven the sentence.

Other than those few grammatical corrections, I enjoyed reading your passage. If you have any questions about my review, especially if my response needs a further explanation (sometimes what I write make so sense) please feel free to email me.

Thanks for sharing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
30
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Review of Pas De Deux  
Review by Wintersage
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello!

You have some very lovely imagery within your passage, and, as ballet dancer myself, I can easily say your metaphor (of comparing the intimate embrace of the man and woman to a Pas de Deux) came across beautifully. I do, however, have a few corrections, a few of which are personal opinion, so differing in your response is completely fine.

Corrections:
- There are a few grammatical errors within your text. Most are just simple fixes, like unnecessary commas and places that lack capitalization. "I was sitting on a red, wooden bench" and "Sitting at the table, was..." are just a couple of instances where you do not need a comma to break up these relatively short sentences.

- In the third paragraph there is a sentence that reads "While reaching for his coat on the back of his chair, she began to extend her hand." Though the sentence is grammatically correct, it comes across rather strangely because in the first part of the sentence, you are lacking a subject (Who is reaching for the coat on the back of the chair?) Thus, when you reach the second part of the sentence, what was originally implied - that the man was reaching for his coat - is now confused because you bring in the subject of the woman. Just exchange "reaching" for "he reached" and now the reader can clearly tell that you switch subjects halfway through the sentence (or just split the sentence into two sentences.)

- In the next paragraph, you have a half-completed sentence ("I couldn’t tell.") The reader is now asking the question, "Couldn't tell what?" We don't know if you are talking about the size of the object, or even what the object is, so finish the sentence by adding specifics.

- In fourth paragraph, you also restate the sentence, "It was very small." Even though in the second use of the phrase it is the woman speaking, it is still redundant. I suggest changing the phrase to describe a different aspect of the object, so that you don't end up repeating yourself.

- In the fifth paragraph, you write in some very interesting examples of figurative language. The first being "Illuminated like held breath..." This simile is not incorrect, it just comes off a little awkward. Usually, when adding metaphors/similes, it is a good idea not to mix different images, or more specifically, different senses. In this simile, you have compared sight to breath, thus cutting your imagery short. I suggest replacing either the first part with something similar to breathing, or the second part with something similar to light.

Ex. "Illuminated like [something seen/visible to the eye] - a spring garden, suddenly awash in light as the sun appears on a cloudy day. "
(That wasn't the best simile on my part, but hopefully it got my point across.)

The same goes for the next simile:

"It was like watching the whispered voice of a Russian ballet." Once again, you have taken an image of something one hears and compared it to something that is seen.

Try replacing the "whispered voice" with something visible, like "the intricate choreography/movements" or "delicate tapestry/tableau..."

By aligning senses, you are keeping the imagery consistent and relatable. Mixing imagery sometimes has as much success as comparing the texture of a cats fur to the pink flush of a petal - it's not successful nor does it make sense.
(Hopefully I explained this well-enough, this concept is difficult to describe.)

- In the seventh paragraph, I know you are trying to characterize the caring and devoted nature of the old man, however, you spend a lot of time breaking down each of his movements. You have written in four sentences what can easily be said in two, and because of this, this paragraph is a bit choppy and tiring to read.

What you have written: "With one hand in hers, he brought the other around her back. Keeping close by her side, he helped her up and out of her chair. With his arm still around her, they walked slowly and carefully to the door. With his free hand, He placed the small piece of paper carefully into the pocket of his jacket."
(You also accidently capitalized "He.")

My suggested edit: "With one hand in hers, the old man carefully helped her out of the chair, one arm positioned behind her back for support. Together they walked slowly to the door, the man slipping the folded paper into his jacket pocket."

That's all! I really did like your passage, and with a little bit of fine tuning, the flow and characterization would read even better than it already does. Hopefully my review is helpful, and if you have any questions about any part of my response, please feel free to email me (especially if I misinterpreted the passage, or if my critique makes no sense.)

Thanks for sharing and Happy Writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
31
31
Review of Description #1  
Review by Wintersage
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello!

This is a nice, succinct description. I just have a couple of grammatical corrections for you.

The sentence "Its body is thin like a stick due to it hadn't eaten for days." is a bit awkward, I suggest replacing "...due to it hadn't eaten for days." with "for not having eaten in several days" or another rephrasing statement.

Also, you don't need "to it" after "close proximity" since you have already declared the subject at the very beginning of the sentence with "it."

That's all. Thanks for sharing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
32
32
Review by Wintersage
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello!

Your piece was short and sweet, and I especially liked the addition of a Prince at the end, excluding Neil from even the possibility of befriending the maiden. I do have some corrections, however, though many of them are personal opinion, so take from them what you will.

Corrections:
- First of all, why is there a concrete floor in the forest? This imagery seems a bit out of place. Maybe exchange this with a further description of his surroundings - the depth of the woods, the clean scent of pine and underbrush permeating the air... etc.

- There are several instances where your tenses are not lining up. This breaks the flow of the story, sort of jarring the reader, and pulls attention away from the scene to small grammatical errors.
The sentence "His suit torn from a thorny bush, but he trudged on, the voice is fading away." is one example of contradicting tenses. I've corrected it for you below, although there are still many other sentences with small errors that need a second look.

Ex. "His suit [tore] from a thorny bush...the voice fading away."

I took out "is" from this sentence - although for the first few sentences it is really difficult to tell exactly what the tense is, I am only assuming that you are writing in past tense.

- The use of "ill fit" in the second paragraph is a bit awkward. Try rephrasing it.

Ex. "His body, ill fit to the craggy environment, heav[ed] as he climbed over roots..."

- "He staggered back up, but not until his panic had caused his to swallow a large gulp of the stinky stale water." Fix "his," it should read "him."

- In the second to last paragraph, you write the line "She took his gloved hand, animators are too lazy to draw the hands."

The second part of the line, though an interesting detail, is in no way related to the story. It is out of place and only serves to draw attention away from the maiden and her prince, and to something animators might do, (but you are a writer in this instance, and therefore this detail is a tad inconsequential.)

That's all! Hopefully this review has been useful, and if I interpreted something incorrectly, or if any part of my critique makes zero sense, please email me.

Thanks for sharing and Happy Writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
33
33
Review by Wintersage
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello!

Your passage has some very lovely imagery, my favorite being the phrase "shone like newly fallen snow," which describes Ariyana's strange new hair color. If you continue to expand your use of figurative language, especially in the beginning, as you describe the ancient, fabled forest, your work would engage your audience even more. Below, I've cited a few of my suggestions - please note many of these are purely opinion, so take from them what you will.

-First of all, you use "thru" a lot within the text. This word should be replaced with "through."

-Many times throughout this story Ariyana speak out loud to herself, however, in real life at least, people don't usually speak out loud when they're alone. I recommend describing Ariyana's dialogue as her thoughts instead. This concept is especially prevalent in the beginning, when she "blurts" out in surprise at finding herself alone in a vast forest. At this point, her outburst seems a bit more intense than what may actually occur. I know that if I found myself suddenly alone in such a massive, yet quiet space, the isolation would intimidate me into silence - and if there was no one around to communicate with, there would be no need for spoken speech.

-In the phrase, "Getting up and surveying her surroundings." I am going to assume that leaving the subject "she" out of the sentence at the beginning is not a stylistic decision, and simply a technical error. You may want to look at that sentence again to make it complete.

-In the phrase, "gods what happened to my hair, its white!," you are missing a vocative comma after "Gods." (The G also should be capitalized.)

-Lower down, as Ariyana and wolf begin to interact, she notes that the wolf is "sitting just [of] the path..." I assume you mean "on" not "of," so make sure to fix that as well.

-Watch the repetition of some of the verbs used to describe Ariyana's actions and thoughts. You tend to use words like, "look," and "notice" quite frequently. Try replacing some of the words with more descriptive, or specific term, like "peered," scanned," noted," analyzed, or even "discovered." The reader's attentiveness to the story will increase if your vocabulary is a bit more varied.

-Finally, I would break up the second paragraph a bit more. Currently, the big block of text makes it difficult to read without losing track of where you are in the passage. Try spacing out the text after dialogue, or when the scene shifts from the forest to the tower, or even when Ariyana meets the white wolf.

I hope this review has been useful, and if you have any questions, comments, or concerns, please let me know (especially of any part of my review makes not sense whatsoever.)

Happy Writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of JadeFire  
Review by Wintersage
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello and welcome!
Immediately, I can tell that you have clearly grasped the use of figurative language. I love the way you describe the jade as "scorched honey," and then again as "flecks of gold." Both phrases are beautiful examples of well-executed diction and imagery. You also have a very definitive style, a true pleasure to read, and I look forward to your next work.

I do have a couple of suggestions for you, and both are relatively small. In the sentence "For a tiny little infinity, the world falls away and two of us meld together..." I would add a "the" before "two" in order to better the flow of the sentence. I would also consider changing either "tiny" or "little" because they are very similar words, and you end up repeating yourself. If one word were exchanged, the imagery could very well improve, seeing that two concepts have been added to the description of "infinity" and not just one. This is just my personal opinion, but "momentary" might be a nice touch as well, creating an interesting juxtaposition between the fleeting continuity of time, and the memories we preserve forever in our conscious.

At the very end of the passage, you restate the phrase "Always in the back of my mind." In the beginning of the passage, you paired this thought with the jade fire, and so by connecting these two, you have created a concept, a sort of concurrent image. I suggest reiterating the influence or the metaphor of the jade fire at the end of the passage as well in order to bring the experience full circle. Perhaps pairing the jade with the imagery of the infinity created between the two people/beings.

Your writing is lovely to read, and I will be sure to explore you portfolio in the future. If you have any questions about my response, or if I interpreted something incorrectly (or if I am not making any sense in my response) please reach out and contact me! I love helping any way I can.

Thanks for sharing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Wintersage
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello and welcome!

This is an interesting story, although the many punctuation errors make it very difficult to read. I suggest revising it. Check for spelling, sentence endings (periods etc.), capitalization, and the correct spacing of certain words.

I would also look into how you have labeled the short story. This looks like a work of fiction, and I don't think "article" accurately represents the context of the text. Articles are generally found in newspapers, or magazines, and though they can vary in a wide range of subjects, your passage appears to be a complete story, not something focusing on a specific problem, approach, etc.

I look forward to the rest of the story, however, and how Mr. Hyena ambushes the girls, and if you have any questions about my response please let me know, I love helping out whenever I can.

Thanks for sharing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Wintersage
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome!
You have some very well-placed details, my favorite being the characteristic "smell of old books and flowers" Samuel carries with him. Overall, the passage is well-structured, and the imagery used to characterize Samuel Harrison flows well.

I do, however, have a few minor suggestions.

Often, you have words or phrases that, though they are not grammatically incorrect, may assist the flow of the passage better by either removing or altering them.

In the second sentence, the comma between "chatter" and "among" is unnecessary. It forces a pause in the sentence that halts the flow of the imagery. In addition, the "about" that comes after "discussed" in the next sentence is also not needed.

In the third sentence, you describe the "young service men and women" to be "serving cream teas to passengers," although you use "were serving." This is not wrong, however, the sentence may be improved by using "served" instead. This way, any "wordiness" can be eliminated.

In the fifth paragraph, Samuel is revealed to be "perfectly content with the comfort of his own solitude." Because you have already stated that he is "content" with solitude, to say he holds "comfort in his own solitude" is repetitive.

Also, Mr. Harrison is described to hold "few associates and even fewer friends, if any." The "if any" reads almost as an afterthought, and by moving it up in the sentence, perhaps after "fewer," the phrase will be emphasized more than if it falls after "friends."

This next suggestion is very much my personal opinion. I would add "potential" before the word "embarrassment" in the fifth paragraph. Technically, Samuel is not afraid of "embarrassment" itself, but more so the thought of his own embarrassment (which, consequently has not occurred yet, and so would be "potential".) This just helps accentuate his unwillingness to engage with others.

When you are listing actions, (ex. "Every time a fellow passenger glanced in his direction, or one of the perfect smile servers would enquire about the quality of his service, his heart would race and he would fear improbable events." ) try to keep the tenses or suffixes of your verbs the same. In this case, because you used "glanced," in the first part of the sentence, use "enquir[ed]" instead of "would enquire" for the server's actions. Once again, this just helps with the flow of the sentence. (I would also add "their" instead of "his" to the line that states-"or one of the perfect smile servers would enquire about the quality of his service,"- only to clarify that it is the server's who are servicing Samuel. By saying "his" it can seem like Samuel is doing the serving, (which of course is not the case.) Its just a matter of using vague pronouns which can apply to either of the two parties.

One more thing, there are a few circumstances where your contractions are missing apostrophes;
-paragraph three; it should be "didn't"
-paragraph five; it should be "wasn't"

Hopefully my review is beneficial. If you have any questions about my response, or if I interpreted something incorrectly, or even failed to explain a correction adequately, please notify me.

Thanks for sharing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
37
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Review of Jingle  
Review by Wintersage
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,
I have only one suggestion, as the passage was was well-written and arced nicely.

Did you intend to write "dor?" I assume you mean décor, but I could be wrong.

That's all!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
38
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Review of Mr. Gray  
Review by Wintersage
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi there!
You have a very gripping style, which makes your writing so fantastically enthralling to read. I find myself wishing for a conclusion because your passage left many questions, all of which, I am sure, were intended.

I especially love the twist ending, where Mr. Grey is revealed to be stalking Arnold, just as Arnold is stalking him.

Suggestions:
Is "heroin" a nickname of the narrator? I assume so because the PT addresses him as such, however it might add character depth to even add just a tag of detail to explain the reasoning behind the nickname.

Other than that one question, I don't really have any suggestions other than perhaps adding one more bit of detail at the very end of the passage. Perhaps the narrator comes to terms with his newfound madness, or perhaps declaring whatever he experienced as fact, not fantasy.

Anyhow, thanks for sharing! I look forward to your next posts.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
39
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Review of Gathering Sins  
Review by Wintersage
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,
This is a very compelling story. Especially the end, when Della enacts her vengeance, sums up the course of events very nicely. The character description, especially the comparison of Della to a peach, is awesome. You even continued the comparison farther down in the story which really brings the metaphor to life. Great job on that.

Suggestions:
-There are many parts of the story that could use more emphasis. In the beginning, when you state that Della has only birthed girls, you could draw more attention by adding "all." That way this important fact is not overlooked by the reader. ex. "Only five of the babies had lived and they were all girls."

-In addition, the second paragraph is a bit dry and detracts/stagnates the story. I understand that everything stated in that paragraph is essential to understanding why Della's children may be of a particular worth to the antagonists, however it reads like a formal essay, not creative fiction. Add some life to the paragraph. Maybe write it from a character's perspective, add figurative language, or incorporate it into the next paragraph. This should help keep the reader more engaged.

-Also, make sure that your tense does not deviate from the tense you have already determined in this passage. In the second paragraph, where you state, "they were worth more," it should read, "they [are] worth more." Because this entire passage is in past tense, the use of the present tense obstructs the flow of the story.

-In the sentence fragment, "had her banished her" you need to take out one of the "her"(s) in order for the sentence to be grammatically correct. Another grammatical error can be seen in "visiting" farther down, where a bracket is randomly placed in the sentence.

-When you mention "another female house servant," the new girl that Sam Walton has diverted his attentions to, maybe add more detail as to why he has diverted his attentions to her. (It will reveal even more his manipulative and superficial character.) This can also help readers not get confused between Della (who also is a young female house servant, or at least was at one point, and who you were also just talking about in the paragraph before) and this "new girl."

-The stuttering of the boy servant is a great addition to really emphasize his shock and fear, however stuttering is often written with hyphens, not ellipses. Example: "... he c-c-comin'. B-B-But, she d-dyin' fast!" Ellipses can make it look like the character has paused in their speech, or is trying to catch their breath. Hyphens keep the flow of the speech while still artfully obstructing it.

-Finally, when you speak about how Sam Walton has noticed "Della's charms," maybe emphasize that Della's "charms" are either her youth, physical appearance, or other superficial term that Sam is interested in, and not that Della is flirting, (because I'm pretty sure she is not - or maybe she is putting on "charms" to get his attention, which if it is that case, make that more clear.) This should contribute to the illustration of Sam Walton as the despicable character that he is.

Hopefully I have not overwhelmed you with my critique, or offended you in anyway, I mean only to help. If you have any questions pertaining to my response, please feel free to contact me (especially if I may have said something incorrect to your intended meaning.)

Thanks for sharing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of What We Never Had  
Review by Wintersage
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This poem's ending totally caught me by surprise. It has a very nice arc, and the last stanza really brings the poem together, bridging the unlikely beginning to an equally unprecedented end. I especially loved the pun, "you zoomed into my heart." It was a nice touch before the ensuing darkness.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of By Your Side  
Review by Wintersage
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Welcome!
Interesting story. Nono is a very cute character and well-detailed.

My only suggestion would be to replace the "If?" I don't know if this means something in the world you have taken inspiration from, but it reads very strangely in your passage. There is also what I believe to be a formatting error that breaks up the sentence, "...for she felt not a sharp edge, but a cleverly disguised feather tickling her sculpted navel." This error splits the paragraph in two in the middle of the sentence-an easy fix.

One other suggestion, when writing online, try placing spaces between paragraphs. This formatting is much easier on the eyes.

If you have any questions about my critique, please let me know.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of My Angelic Demon  
Review by Wintersage
Rated: E | (3.5)
Very creative. I like the concept and the characters. The way you present Sebastian's actions before the reveal that he is a demon is a nice touch. It certainly forces the reader to redefine their immediate assumptions of demon's character.

I suggest mixing up your sentence format to increase the variety of the text. Instead of starting the sentence with "I" each time, try alternate pronouns, descriptive phrases, a thought, etc. This helps with the flow of the story, so the passage doesn't stagnate or feel quite so "stop-start."

There a a few minor spelling errors, but you have great originality. Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions, or if my critique was at all helpful.
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Review of Finding Me  
Review by Wintersage
Rated: E | (3.5)
I love your creativity here and your use of figurative language is great. My only suggestion would be to fix certain inconsistencies, (and most of these are just small grammatic mishaps - easy to fix.)

Make sure to keep your tenses consistent. There are a few cases where you switch from present to past, as seen in "I let out a sigh of disappointment as I started looking for my family." It should read "start to" look for my family, just to fit in with the rest of the tense in the story. The same goes for "I was alive." It should read "I [am] alive." Like I said, simple mistakes that can easily be remedied.

As I stated before, you have a very good grasp of figurative language, there are just a few areas where the language does not entirely fit with the tone of the passage. In the beginning, as you set a more somber mood, you use "screaming" to describe the rays of sun. It is in no way wrong, as there are no right or wrongs in literature, the passage might just flow better through the use of a more subdued form of diction, to continue the ongoing depression and loneliness set by the character. Screaming is a bit violent for the situation.

In addition, I would watch for unnecessary repetition. While your use of the line "Over and over and over again" is fantastic, (I love how you emphasized the reiteration of the character's monotonous experience by using the phrase three times,) there are instances, such as " I smile expressing my happiness..." where you do not need to reiterate the connotation of a smile. The cheetah's happiness is implied by the action of the smile. The best stories are the ones where the author "shows" but does not "tell." (If that makes any sense.)

Finally, I love how you described the actions of the humans from the perspective of the cheetah; naïve, ignorant of human terms and connotations - effectively speaking "human vernacular." At one point, you state that the cheetah walks over to an "artificial bush." In this sentence, you should remain constant with the cheetah's innocence to human tendencies and describe exactly how the cheetah knows the bush is artificial, just to add to the thematic layer of 'isolation in a foreign environment.' Other that this instance, you remain relatively consistent with your approach to characterizing the cheetah.

I hope this was useful and that my critique does not come off too harshly, I intend to help, not hurt after all. If you have any questions about my critique please contact me, I would love to assist in any way I can. You have a lot of creativity to share, and your story is well-sketched, the cheetah's character really comes to life.




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