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81 Public Reviews Given
81 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
My review style is usually very grammar oriented, although I of course will give my impression of the piece as a whole, detail successful areas, and suggest improvements for figurative devices/language, character development, etc.
I'm good at...
Usually I'll review short stories, fiction, fantasy, and other prose styles. Poetry is not my strong suit, however I am always willing to help in whatever way I can.
Favorite Genres
I'm partial to fantasy, fiction, and historical fiction.
Favorite Item Types
I love short stories and longer fiction pieces.
Public Reviews
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26
26
Review by Wintersage Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome!
You have some very well-placed details, my favorite being the characteristic "smell of old books and flowers" Samuel carries with him. Overall, the passage is well-structured, and the imagery used to characterize Samuel Harrison flows well.

I do, however, have a few minor suggestions.

Often, you have words or phrases that, though they are not grammatically incorrect, may assist the flow of the passage better by either removing or altering them.

In the second sentence, the comma between "chatter" and "among" is unnecessary. It forces a pause in the sentence that halts the flow of the imagery. In addition, the "about" that comes after "discussed" in the next sentence is also not needed.

In the third sentence, you describe the "young service men and women" to be "serving cream teas to passengers," although you use "were serving." This is not wrong, however, the sentence may be improved by using "served" instead. This way, any "wordiness" can be eliminated.

In the fifth paragraph, Samuel is revealed to be "perfectly content with the comfort of his own solitude." Because you have already stated that he is "content" with solitude, to say he holds "comfort in his own solitude" is repetitive.

Also, Mr. Harrison is described to hold "few associates and even fewer friends, if any." The "if any" reads almost as an afterthought, and by moving it up in the sentence, perhaps after "fewer," the phrase will be emphasized more than if it falls after "friends."

This next suggestion is very much my personal opinion. I would add "potential" before the word "embarrassment" in the fifth paragraph. Technically, Samuel is not afraid of "embarrassment" itself, but more so the thought of his own embarrassment (which, consequently has not occurred yet, and so would be "potential".) This just helps accentuate his unwillingness to engage with others.

When you are listing actions, (ex. "Every time a fellow passenger glanced in his direction, or one of the perfect smile servers would enquire about the quality of his service, his heart would race and he would fear improbable events." ) try to keep the tenses or suffixes of your verbs the same. In this case, because you used "glanced," in the first part of the sentence, use "enquir[ed]" instead of "would enquire" for the server's actions. Once again, this just helps with the flow of the sentence. (I would also add "their" instead of "his" to the line that states-"or one of the perfect smile servers would enquire about the quality of his service,"- only to clarify that it is the server's who are servicing Samuel. By saying "his" it can seem like Samuel is doing the serving, (which of course is not the case.) Its just a matter of using vague pronouns which can apply to either of the two parties.

One more thing, there are a few circumstances where your contractions are missing apostrophes;
-paragraph three; it should be "didn't"
-paragraph five; it should be "wasn't"

Hopefully my review is beneficial. If you have any questions about my response, or if I interpreted something incorrectly, or even failed to explain a correction adequately, please notify me.

Thanks for sharing!


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27
27
Review of Jingle  Open in new Window.
Review by Wintersage Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,
I have only one suggestion, as the passage was was well-written and arced nicely.

Did you intend to write "dor?" I assume you mean décor, but I could be wrong.

That's all!


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28
28
Review of Mr. Gray  Open in new Window.
Review by Wintersage Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi there!
You have a very gripping style, which makes your writing so fantastically enthralling to read. I find myself wishing for a conclusion because your passage left many questions, all of which, I am sure, were intended.

I especially love the twist ending, where Mr. Grey is revealed to be stalking Arnold, just as Arnold is stalking him.

Suggestions:
Is "heroin" a nickname of the narrator? I assume so because the PT addresses him as such, however it might add character depth to even add just a tag of detail to explain the reasoning behind the nickname.

Other than that one question, I don't really have any suggestions other than perhaps adding one more bit of detail at the very end of the passage. Perhaps the narrator comes to terms with his newfound madness, or perhaps declaring whatever he experienced as fact, not fantasy.

Anyhow, thanks for sharing! I look forward to your next posts.


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29
29
Review of Gathering Sins  Open in new Window.
Review by Wintersage Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,
This is a very compelling story. Especially the end, when Della enacts her vengeance, sums up the course of events very nicely. The character description, especially the comparison of Della to a peach, is awesome. You even continued the comparison farther down in the story which really brings the metaphor to life. Great job on that.

Suggestions:
-There are many parts of the story that could use more emphasis. In the beginning, when you state that Della has only birthed girls, you could draw more attention by adding "all." That way this important fact is not overlooked by the reader. ex. "Only five of the babies had lived and they were all girls."

-In addition, the second paragraph is a bit dry and detracts/stagnates the story. I understand that everything stated in that paragraph is essential to understanding why Della's children may be of a particular worth to the antagonists, however it reads like a formal essay, not creative fiction. Add some life to the paragraph. Maybe write it from a character's perspective, add figurative language, or incorporate it into the next paragraph. This should help keep the reader more engaged.

-Also, make sure that your tense does not deviate from the tense you have already determined in this passage. In the second paragraph, where you state, "they were worth more," it should read, "they [are] worth more." Because this entire passage is in past tense, the use of the present tense obstructs the flow of the story.

-In the sentence fragment, "had her banished her" you need to take out one of the "her"(s) in order for the sentence to be grammatically correct. Another grammatical error can be seen in "visiting" farther down, where a bracket is randomly placed in the sentence.

-When you mention "another female house servant," the new girl that Sam Walton has diverted his attentions to, maybe add more detail as to why he has diverted his attentions to her. (It will reveal even more his manipulative and superficial character.) This can also help readers not get confused between Della (who also is a young female house servant, or at least was at one point, and who you were also just talking about in the paragraph before) and this "new girl."

-The stuttering of the boy servant is a great addition to really emphasize his shock and fear, however stuttering is often written with hyphens, not ellipses. Example: "... he c-c-comin'. B-B-But, she d-dyin' fast!" Ellipses can make it look like the character has paused in their speech, or is trying to catch their breath. Hyphens keep the flow of the speech while still artfully obstructing it.

-Finally, when you speak about how Sam Walton has noticed "Della's charms," maybe emphasize that Della's "charms" are either her youth, physical appearance, or other superficial term that Sam is interested in, and not that Della is flirting, (because I'm pretty sure she is not - or maybe she is putting on "charms" to get his attention, which if it is that case, make that more clear.) This should contribute to the illustration of Sam Walton as the despicable character that he is.

Hopefully I have not overwhelmed you with my critique, or offended you in anyway, I mean only to help. If you have any questions pertaining to my response, please feel free to contact me (especially if I may have said something incorrect to your intended meaning.)

Thanks for sharing!


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30
30
Review of What We Never Had  Open in new Window.
Review by Wintersage Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This poem's ending totally caught me by surprise. It has a very nice arc, and the last stanza really brings the poem together, bridging the unlikely beginning to an equally unprecedented end. I especially loved the pun, "you zoomed into my heart." It was a nice touch before the ensuing darkness.



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31
31
Review of By Your Side  Open in new Window.
Review by Wintersage Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Welcome!
Interesting story. Nono is a very cute character and well-detailed.

My only suggestion would be to replace the "If?" I don't know if this means something in the world you have taken inspiration from, but it reads very strangely in your passage. There is also what I believe to be a formatting error that breaks up the sentence, "...for she felt not a sharp edge, but a cleverly disguised feather tickling her sculpted navel." This error splits the paragraph in two in the middle of the sentence-an easy fix.

One other suggestion, when writing online, try placing spaces between paragraphs. This formatting is much easier on the eyes.

If you have any questions about my critique, please let me know.


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32
32
Review of My Angelic Demon  Open in new Window.
Review by Wintersage Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Very creative. I like the concept and the characters. The way you present Sebastian's actions before the reveal that he is a demon is a nice touch. It certainly forces the reader to redefine their immediate assumptions of demon's character.

I suggest mixing up your sentence format to increase the variety of the text. Instead of starting the sentence with "I" each time, try alternate pronouns, descriptive phrases, a thought, etc. This helps with the flow of the story, so the passage doesn't stagnate or feel quite so "stop-start."

There a a few minor spelling errors, but you have great originality. Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions, or if my critique was at all helpful.
33
33
Review of Finding Me  Open in new Window.
Review by Wintersage Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I love your creativity here and your use of figurative language is great. My only suggestion would be to fix certain inconsistencies, (and most of these are just small grammatic mishaps - easy to fix.)

Make sure to keep your tenses consistent. There are a few cases where you switch from present to past, as seen in "I let out a sigh of disappointment as I started looking for my family." It should read "start to" look for my family, just to fit in with the rest of the tense in the story. The same goes for "I was alive." It should read "I [am] alive." Like I said, simple mistakes that can easily be remedied.

As I stated before, you have a very good grasp of figurative language, there are just a few areas where the language does not entirely fit with the tone of the passage. In the beginning, as you set a more somber mood, you use "screaming" to describe the rays of sun. It is in no way wrong, as there are no right or wrongs in literature, the passage might just flow better through the use of a more subdued form of diction, to continue the ongoing depression and loneliness set by the character. Screaming is a bit violent for the situation.

In addition, I would watch for unnecessary repetition. While your use of the line "Over and over and over again" is fantastic, (I love how you emphasized the reiteration of the character's monotonous experience by using the phrase three times,) there are instances, such as " I smile expressing my happiness..." where you do not need to reiterate the connotation of a smile. The cheetah's happiness is implied by the action of the smile. The best stories are the ones where the author "shows" but does not "tell." (If that makes any sense.)

Finally, I love how you described the actions of the humans from the perspective of the cheetah; naïve, ignorant of human terms and connotations - effectively speaking "human vernacular." At one point, you state that the cheetah walks over to an "artificial bush." In this sentence, you should remain constant with the cheetah's innocence to human tendencies and describe exactly how the cheetah knows the bush is artificial, just to add to the thematic layer of 'isolation in a foreign environment.' Other that this instance, you remain relatively consistent with your approach to characterizing the cheetah.

I hope this was useful and that my critique does not come off too harshly, I intend to help, not hurt after all. If you have any questions about my critique please contact me, I would love to assist in any way I can. You have a lot of creativity to share, and your story is well-sketched, the cheetah's character really comes to life.




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