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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sendintheclown
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17 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Kitty  
Review by SendintheClown
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I's scart at first that man done run into Bad Buck's cat, but this were too professionally written for a Bad Buck tale. Truly, at times I had to remind myself I was reading something from the boards, not something from a published anthology.

The only minor quibble I have is why exactly did they want to prevent anyone from being there? Because they'd always get lost? Because there's majic up in the mountains? Because there's something in the lake? Mayhaps its me what missed something.

Here are some of my fav lines:

The highway vanished behind him and the distant traffic noise was lost in the whisper of wind in the pines.

This was 2007, not 1807. There was a greater chance of tripping over people when you wanted to be alone than of getting lost in the woods. He wished he would trip over some of those people right now.

One other thought. When I ran across the line below, I thought wouldn't it be something if ya could work a raccoon into every story....in a cameo role--like Hitchcock used to put himself into his movies?

The raccoon jumped off his chest and darted out the broken window above the bed.

A very good write

toto
2
2
Review of Corn Dollies  
Review by SendintheClown
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Acme, this be a new fav of mine. You pull at my heart strings instead of my funny bone with this. Love the way you wove the corn theme throughout and, of course, loved the ending. You’ve done a good job in handling the dialect. You kept the voice and perspective of your characters throughout. You handled a sensitive subject without making it maudlin.

Favs:

Good. It meant that her eyes were tearing because of pain, and not because she was a 'sissy'. (Buck appreciates this)


Her Mom let the waves of pre-pubescent angst wash against her patience, (wonderful line)

She dove into the sweet pillows of hay and burrowed like a prairie dog until her reedy arms tired out. Then she curled and sobbed. Tears and mucus, mixed with sweat and hay, in one mess of a little girl. (great image)


Time passed until her cries became hollow barks and no more knots remained in her stomach. (love hollow barks)

Look at little Amy Hunter, for example. A fine friend like that, and he lets her come and visit you from heaven for all them years - never mindin' how sad the other Angels are that she's come to spend time here with you." (just plain wonderful)

No one ever really leaves us, they just go on ahead and wait for us to catch up with our business first." (reaching for the tissues)


He was real, and solid, and flesh, and blood, and bone, and love, and so was Amy; for now. (reaching for another)

Comma Police:



Of course(comma) today would be hard for her daughter -(might make dash a semi-colon) they were visiting Amy for the first time since her Chemo had ended.

Theirs was one of the few families in Gainsborough still adhering to the joint farming disciplines of Cattle and Corn. (They were)Considered outdated by the majority of agriculture, and mostly automated now in one,(delete comma) or the other specialties.

She pushed her eggs around the plate her Mom had placed in front of her.(make period into dash) Willing all her concentration into how thin she could scramble them with the back of her fork

and back to the womb of the hay loft,(delete) in the old red barn

A salute to the soft side of the brit.

Now some may wonder why I’m giving this a 5 when I sent out the comma police. The clown believes heart substance way more important than finger typos.

Hugs

toto




3
3
Review of For A Genius...  
Review by SendintheClown
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a great read.

The pace runs smoothly and the hero(?)is vividly drawn through both thoughts and dialogue. I could almost hear my son speaking as I read.

The description of the ball game puts in reader right in the middle of the action.

Some of my fav lines:

I called it my “I Rock” jig. lolol

his voice was a distortion of fear and rage.

He raised his middle finger in acknowledgment.

A few suggestions:

discomfiture (reads a little too formally IMHO. Perhaps discomfit would be a better choice)

“She definitely waxes bombastic at time(s?),

had felt (I would delete the had)

Again, a great read!

Thanks for posting it.

Victoria


4
4
Review by SendintheClown
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
I love the feel of a Hitchcock hand in this, but think the drama could be built more effectively. Because the title indicates that this is part one of a continuation, the following remarks may not truly apply, but I think, with a little tweaking ,it could stand on its own as a piece of flash fiction.

Going under that assumption, I would suggest the following:

(1) Don’t give it away in the title
(2) Make mention of a sharp chef’s knife that he uses in his cooking.
(3) Don’t mention giving up the meds until immediately before “I think next Wednesday…….go to the supermarket to get some groceries and the beautiful blond lady.” That would be a chilling last line!

A few minor structuring suggestions:

“My hobbies include reading (I love the horrors from the masters like James Herbert and Shaun Hut son), walking & like to take some …….would change to “and taking …..”

“This is why I shop through…..would change to “during”

“Her shoulder length blond hair looks like silk and when she leaned over I could tell that it smelled like strawberries. “ Would change this to make the verbs agree and delete “I could tell” as it isn’t necessary. In other words, “Her shoulder length blond hair looked like silk and, when she leaned over, it smelled like strawberries.”

I hope this is helpful. Again, I think this could be a tasty little tidbit of flash fiction with some tightening. I’ll look for part 2 to see where you’ve gone with it.
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