Excellent article, especially for non-fiction magazines & books. I also like the "bad" and "good" examples of query letters. This article touches upon what is essential in a query letter.
simplyblue
To be honest you're right on the mark with those films. And this is a giant, deeply thought out concept. I like it a lot but the only thing that could have saved those prequels was to eliminate that obnoxious CG that they went crazy with or am I alone in thinking Tattoine didn't NEED a billion little CG characters? I mean come on George, it was an OUTPOST not a metropolis...
In any case, I give this piece a good rating because it is well thought out and immediately attracted my attention not to mention I got to spout off my own opinion as well!
SimplyBlue.
Quickly skimming through this: first, in the prologue, take out all those "had"s. Had is a passive verb. Either just cut it out of the sentence completely "...focus, they HAD recently joined..." change to "...they recently joined..." or re-write the sentence altogether. Little things like that make a big difference.
Also, you do a lot of "telling" as opposed to "showing".
You're telling how they feel. Only in the last five paragraphs do you really describe what is happening via what the character notices, hears, smells, etc. You need to focus on details of what the character experiences like hearing, seeing, smelling, rather than telling about the details.
One last thing. This story takes place in the near future, which is okay in sci fi, but it seems that this less sci fi than, say current suspense or general fiction. It sounds almost like a medical thriller, in the style of Robin Cook's "COMA".
While not bad, you need to really work on style and technique. Trust me, this only comes with reading reading reading and then writing writing writing. Practice makes perfect!
SimplyBlue.
A little wordy making it slightly difficult to read. Is there music that accompanies this? I'm sure it would work perfectly if so. Music is my life and so I picked this to read. Normally I don't review poetry but today is my day for it and I have to say this is not bad at all!
SimplyBlue
Not a fan of poetry, but I like the sentiment and execution here. I'd like to have seen it expanded (a real compliment from me, poetry hater, LOL!) to go through the seasons to get to where we are as jaded, abused, cynical adults. I'm at that place now. Very nice. Keep going, I think you have talent!
SimplyBlue
Whew! I thought I was going to actually have to think and write an answer to this! Thank you for listing multiple choices! I'll be anyone's at any time's ghoster! Mark me available! (with credit of course!)
I understand what you're trying to do and I love the originality of this concept. For some reason it's just a bit strange to me, whether it's the writing style or whether it's just unusual idea. I still applaud this work because I just think the concept is soo dang creative! Writing's not bad either! I've never read your stuff before that I remember, but this is a great introduction to your work!
I think every child worries about this situation with their own parents,especially their mothers. I worry about this happening to my own mother, since it happened to a great aunt of mine. I know your great sorrow and you have expressed it beautifully. This must be one of the most difficult of life's tribulations. This is a beautiful tribute to your mother. Well done, and prayers for you.
This is not a bad story or idea. It's just a little clumsy because it seems as if you're confusing the POV's. It starts off as an unseen narrator. Then you go into third person. Then it appears you go into Omniscient narrative. If you could pick one or two POV's that would help the story a great deal. Right now, it seems a little immature sounding--only because you keep changing POV's. If you kept it to Moe's POV that would be great. Or you could keep third person. Or Omniscient narrative. But you can't have all three. It's just too confusing and hard to read. Sorry, I don't mean to sound offensive, but I want to give you an honest opinion. Like I said earlier, this is not a bad story.
I loved it. And I really hate poetry. Probably because I foolishly suggested a course in the Romantic Poets (Shelley, Byron, Keats, etc.,)at my school and I learned to love only Percy B. Shelley, even though I really and truly felt my brain get a hernia, he was soooo difficult.For me, anyway. I used to write poetry when I was young but eh...well...
In any case I really loved this. Don't really know why. Maybe it's the beautiful simplicity and imagery.
SB
I already do many of your suggestions, but the one about business cards with the tagline examples escaped me! Thank you for the idea as I am about to order my first set of business cards! I love articles like this that are sooo helpful with great tips! I don't know about anyone else but I truly appreciate this type of generosity!
Thanks again.
SimplyBlue
Awww. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I was worried for a while that they would say something like "we became homeless because Dad lost his job" or something sad like that! Of course that's just me with my cynical viewpoint. Very cute but I would have liked to have seen the individual family members' POV's and gotten to know the Fairies a bit better. But I just love Fairies!
SB
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