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1
1
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Tim Chiu

What a heartfelt and evocative poem! "An Inspiring Mercy: God’s Sweet Love" beautifully weaves together themes of faith, resilience, and divine grace. Here are a few thoughts on your piece:
Strengths:
* Powerful Imagery: You've painted vivid pictures with phrases like "sun shines atop the hallowed horizon," "ball of radiant energy," and "blue-green orb." These images create a strong sense of place and wonder.
* Uplifting Message: The poem carries a clear and comforting message of hope and assurance in God's love and mercy, particularly in the face of life's difficulties. The idea that these struggles are part of a larger, merciful design is quite reassuring.
* Strong Emotional Resonance: The language evokes a sense of reverence and deep faith. Words like "heartrending," "burdens of shame," and "dire moment" acknowledge the hardships of life, making the subsequent emphasis on God's love and mercy all the more impactful.
* Flow and Rhythm: The poem generally flows well, creating a sense of meditative reflection. The repetition of phrases like "We may be assured that," "For the All-Encompassing Belief," and "We must forever know that" reinforces the central themes.
* Concluding with Hope: The ending, focusing on a "beautiful homecoming" and "everlasting splendor" under the "fervent auspices of Jesus Christ," provides a powerful and hopeful resolution.
Areas for Potential Consideration:
* Figurative Language: While the imagery is strong, you might consider incorporating more varied figurative language, such as metaphors or similes, to add further depth and texture to the poem. For example, instead of just stating the sun is a "ball of radiant energy," you could compare it to something else to create a fresh perspective.
* Specificity: While the poem speaks to universal experiences, adding a touch of more specific imagery related to those "heartrending disappointments" or "burdens of shame" could make the emotional connection even stronger for the reader.
* Word Choice Nuances: In a few places, the word choice feels slightly abstract. For instance, "wanton exercise pertains / To the promise of a dream-like focus" could be explored with more concrete or evocative language to clarify the intended meaning.
* Rhythm and Rhyme (Optional): The poem currently has a free verse structure. While this works well, you could experiment with incorporating a more consistent rhythm or even subtle rhymes in certain sections to enhance the musicality, if that aligns with your artistic vision.
Overall:
"An Inspiring Mercy: God’s Sweet Love" is a beautiful and sincere expression of faith and hope. It offers comfort and reassurance through its powerful imagery and unwavering belief in divine mercy. The poem effectively conveys a message of enduring love and the promise of a brighter future. Thank you for sharing this inspiring piece!

sindbad

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2
2
Review of Hope Burning  Open in new Window.
for entry "Chapter Thirteen:Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Kitt

This is a captivating excerpt, rich with emotional undercurrents and developing relationships. Here's a review focusing on the key elements presented in this passage:
Summary :
The day after a significant shift in their relationship, Mark and Jessica spend a seemingly enjoyable afternoon at a fair. Mark subtly maintains physical contact with Jessica, preventing her from emotionally distancing herself after their night together. While Jessica initially shows signs of discomfort, there are moments where she relaxes and genuinely enjoys the outing and Mark's company. Their return to the inn for dinner introduces Stacy, the granddaughter of the innkeepers, who approaches Jessica with an urgent request to talk. Stacy reveals she was the one who had come to Mark's door the previous night, though the reason remains undisclosed. Mark, displaying consideration, encourages Jessica to speak with Stacy privately after dinner and absents himself.
Jessica and Stacy engage in a lengthy conversation, during which Jessica surprisingly finds herself confiding in Stacy about the traumatic events of the past year – a subject she hasn't discussed with anyone, including Mark or her therapist. She shares fragmented memories of the assault and fire that occurred nine months prior, admitting to significant memory loss. Despite their age difference and brief acquaintance, Jessica feels a sense of ease with Stacy, wondering if her intimacy with Mark the previous night has somehow broken down her emotional barriers. She finds herself genuinely concerned about Stacy's troubles, a stark contrast to her previous nine months of emotional withdrawal.
After exchanging contact information, Jessica returns to Mark's cottage, lost in thought. She reflects on the events of the day and the unexpected lightness and confidence she feels, a stark contrast to the emotional numbness she's experienced since the accident. Mark finds her on the patio, worried by her prolonged absence. They share a quiet moment, and Mark presents her with a meticulously sourced replacement for her cherished, broken jade green pie dish – a gesture that deeply moves Jessica and elicits an impulsive kiss.
The intimacy of the moment leads them to share a bed, though Jessica expresses her need to take things slowly. In the safety of Mark's embrace, Jessica finally begins to recount the events of the assault and fire to him, sharing what she remembers and what remains lost. Mark listens intently, realizing the depth of his feelings for her and vowing to uncover the truth behind her trauma, suspecting her nightmares hold crucial clues. The following day, they spend time with Stacy, forging a budding friendship. The innkeepers, Stacy's grandparents, show concern for their granddaughter and offer Jessica a return visit. The passage concludes with Mark's determination to help Jessica heal and uncover the mysteries surrounding her past.
Characters that Inspired / Motivated / Interested You the Most:
Jessica is a deeply compelling character in this excerpt. Her journey of emotional thawing is the central focus, and her vulnerability and hesitant steps towards healing are particularly engaging. The fact that she finds solace and the ability to share her trauma with a near stranger like Stacy, when she has been unable to confide in those closest to her, highlights the unpredictable nature of the healing process. Her internal struggle between wanting to connect with Mark and her fear and emotional guardedness is palpable. The significance of the jade green pie dish and her emotional reaction to its replacement underscores the importance of seemingly small objects in holding memories and emotional weight. Her eventual decision to share her story with Mark, despite her fear, showcases a growing trust and a courageous step towards confronting her past. Her resilience, though fragile, shines through as she navigates the aftermath of a devastating experience and cautiously opens herself to connection once more.
Mark emerges as a consistently supportive and understanding figure. His gentle persistence in maintaining physical closeness with Jessica, not to pressure her but to offer comfort and reassurance, demonstrates his sensitivity. His immediate concern when Jessica doesn't return to the cottage and his thoughtful gesture of finding the pie dish reveal his deep care and attentiveness to her emotional needs. He doesn't push for details about the previous night or Stacy's situation, allowing Jessica to share when she is ready. His quiet observation of Jessica and Stacy's budding friendship and his hope that it signifies Jessica's healing showcase his empathy and focus on her well-being. His realization of his love for Jessica and his subsequent determination to uncover the truth behind her trauma solidify him as a deeply invested and protective character. His patience and unwavering support make him a genuinely admirable figure.
Stacy, though less central, is an intriguing character. Her initial anxiety and urgency in needing to speak with Jessica suggest she is grappling with a significant personal issue. Despite her own troubles, she forms an immediate connection with Jessica, creating a safe space for Jessica to open up. Her vulnerability and the unspoken sadness hinted at in her eyes make her a sympathetic character. Her role as a catalyst for Jessica's emotional breakthrough is significant, highlighting how unexpected connections can sometimes facilitate healing. The concern of her grandparents, the innkeepers, further suggests that her troubles are a source of worry for those around her, adding another layer of intrigue to her character. Her budding friendship with Jessica and Mark hints at a potential support system forming for both women.
Theme / Lesson that You Learnt or that Caught Your Attention:
A prominent theme in this excerpt is the unpredictable nature of healing and connection after trauma. Jessica's inability to confide in those closest to her for nine months, yet finding the courage to share her experiences with a new acquaintance, Stacy, underscores that healing doesn't always follow a linear or logical path. It highlights that unexpected connections and safe spaces, even with strangers, can sometimes provide the catalyst needed to begin processing deep-seated trauma. Furthermore, the excerpt emphasizes the power of small acts of kindness and understanding in fostering trust and facilitating healing. Mark's thoughtful gift and his patient support create an environment where Jessica feels safe enough to begin confronting her past. This suggests that genuine empathy and non-pressuring support can be crucial in helping someone navigate the difficult journey of recovery.
Observation, Opinion, Likes and Dislikes:

This excerpt is beautifully written, capturing the delicate nuances of emotion and the complexities of human connection. I particularly appreciated the subtle ways the author portrays Jessica's internal struggle and her hesitant steps towards healing. Mark's character is portrayed with admirable sensitivity and patience, making their burgeoning relationship feel genuine and supportive. The introduction of Stacy adds an intriguing dynamic and highlights the unexpected sources of comfort and connection one can find.
I found the pacing to be effective, gradually building the emotional intensity and the sense that Jessica is on the cusp of significant breakthroughs. The significance attributed to the seemingly ordinary pie dish is a powerful reminder of how objects can hold deep personal meaning and trigger profound emotions. While the reason for Stacy's distress remains a mystery, it adds an element of intrigue that makes the reader want to know more. Overall, this is a compelling and emotionally resonant piece of writing that effectively explores themes of trauma, healing, and the power of human connection.

sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
3
3
Review of Hope Burning  Open in new Window.
for entry "Chapter Twelve:Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Kitt

This is a compelling and emotionally charged excerpt! You've done a fantastic job of drawing the reader into the intense and vulnerable moments between Mark and Jessica. Here's a review focusing on its strengths and a few areas that could be considered:
Strengths:
* Emotional Intensity: The raw fear of Jessica's nightmare and Mark's immediate, heart-wrenching concern are palpable from the very beginning. You effectively convey the depth of their emotions, making the reader feel their anxiety, tenderness, and burgeoning desire.
* Show, Don't Tell: You masterfully show Jessica's terror through her physical reactions – flailing, screaming, sweat, tangled sheets – rather than simply stating she was scared. Similarly, Mark's care is evident in his gentle words and actions.
* Character Development (Brief but Effective): Even in this excerpt, we get a strong sense of both characters. Jessica is clearly traumatized and deeply insecure about her scars, yet there's a flicker of hope emerging. Mark is portrayed as a genuinely caring, patient, and intensely attracted man. His internal conflict regarding his past and his feelings for Jessica adds depth.
* Sensory Details: You incorporate rich sensory details that immerse the reader in the scene. We feel the satin texture of Mark's chest, smell his "pleasantly male scent," and hear Jessica's ragged breathing and soft moans.
* Pacing and Flow: The pacing of the scene is well-managed. The initial urgency of the nightmare transitions into a slower, more intimate exploration of their feelings. The dialogue feels natural and contributes to the emotional build-up.
* Building Tension and Desire: The physical intimacy between Mark and Jessica is described with a potent blend of tenderness and burgeoning desire. The internal thoughts of both characters effectively convey the intensity of their attraction and their individual anxieties.
* Realistic Reactions: Jessica's shame and desire to hide after realizing Mark has seen her scars feel authentic to her established vulnerability. Mark's patience and reassurance also ring true to his caring nature.
* Strong Climax (of the Excerpt): The final moments, where Jessica acknowledges her internal struggle and makes a determined statement, provide a compelling cliffhanger and leave the reader wanting more.
Areas for Consideration:
* Internal Monologue Length: While the internal monologues effectively convey the characters' thoughts and feelings, at times they become slightly lengthy, potentially slowing the immediate action. Consider if some of these thoughts could be subtly woven into their actions or dialogue.
* Repetition of "Shhh": The repeated use of "Shhh" by Mark, while meant to be soothing, could become a little repetitive. Perhaps vary the comforting sounds or phrases he uses.
* Mark's Internal Conflict (Slightly Abrupt): Mark's realization about falling for Jessica and his comparison to his late wife feels a little abrupt. While it adds depth, perhaps a more gradual unfolding of these thoughts could enhance the flow.
* Jessica's Rapid Shift: While understandable given the intense emotions, Jessica's shift from intense panic to passionate response during the kiss happens very quickly. You could perhaps add a few more internal cues or subtle physical reactions to bridge this transition.
Overall:
This is a captivating piece of writing that effectively draws the reader into a highly emotional and intimate situation. The characters are well-developed, their emotions are palpable, and the narrative builds tension effectively. The areas for consideration are minor and mostly relate to pacing and subtle nuances. You've created a compelling dynamic between Mark and Jessica, and the ending leaves the reader invested in their future. Well done!

sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
4
4
Review of Hope Burning  Open in new Window.
for entry "Chapter Eleven:Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Kitt

This is a well-written and engaging excerpt! You've created a vivid scene with interesting characters and a palpable sense of underlying tension. Here's a review focusing on its strengths and a few areas where you could potentially enhance it:
Strengths:
* Strong Character Introductions: Jessica and Mark are immediately relatable. Jessica's initial annoyance and later empathy are clear. Mark comes across as good-natured, a bit teasing, and ultimately caring. Stacy's distress is also effectively conveyed in a short time.
* Developing Tension and Suspense: The initial awkwardness about the attic room sets a slightly humorous tone, which then shifts as the night progresses. The mystery of Stacy's presence and her emotional state creates a strong sense of intrigue. The final moments with Mark are charged with unspoken attraction and vulnerability.
* Show, Don't Tell: You do a great job of showing the characters' emotions and the situation through their actions and dialogue. For example, the Innkeepers' embarrassment, Mark's snickers, Jessica's assessment of the room, and Stacy's tearful explanation all contribute to the narrative without explicit exposition.
* Effective Use of Sensory Details: The description of the attic room (size, low ceilings), Mark's appearance after the shower (glistening water, snug boxers), and the atmosphere in the cottage all help the reader visualize the scene.
* Realistic Dialogue: The conversations between Jessica and Mark feel natural and reveal their personalities and dynamic. Stacy's brief dialogue also sounds authentic in her distressed state.
* Building Romantic Tension: The attraction between Jessica and Mark is subtly but effectively built throughout the excerpt, culminating in the charged moments in the cottage. Jessica's internal reactions and observations clearly convey her feelings. Mark's sleepy murmurs add another layer of complexity.
* Intriguing Cliffhanger: The excerpt ends with Jessica's emotional reaction to Mark's sleep talk, leaving the reader wanting to know more about her past and the significance of his words.
Potential Areas for Enhancement:
* Pacing in the First Half: While the initial setup is necessary, the detailed description of the attic room could be slightly condensed if you want to move the story forward more quickly. However, it does effectively emphasize Jessica's initial predicament.
* Jessica's Backstory (Subtle Hints): You hint at Jessica having experienced "difficult things." While this creates intrigue, you might consider weaving in slightly more subtle clues earlier in the excerpt to foreshadow this aspect of her character.
* Mark's Perspective: We get a strong sense of Jessica's internal thoughts and feelings. Briefly showing Mark's internal reactions, even through his dialogue or a fleeting thought, could further enrich his character and the dynamic between them. For example, his "delight and wonder" could be subtly expanded upon.
* Stacy's Situation: While her immediate distress is clear, a tiny bit more context (without giving away the whole story) about her "slight emergency" might deepen the reader's empathy for her. However, keeping it vague also adds to the immediate mystery.
Overall:
This is a compelling piece of writing with engaging characters, a well-developed sense of place, and a building sense of anticipation. The dialogue is realistic, and the emotional undercurrents are strong. The cliffhanger is effective in making the reader want to know what happens next. You've done a great job of setting the scene and introducing potential conflicts and romantic interests. Keep up the excellent work!
sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
5
5
Review of Magical Window  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
iKïyå§ama

I have always been your fan, and go through all the stories that you post. I am very lucky to read and appreciate the different aspect of life and events you write. A story on Dad is my favorite as I am deeply invested mentally emotionally and spiritually with my father, so story on coolest Daddy will not be missed by me.
This is a heartwarming and imaginative story told from the perspective of a young girl named Ellie. You've beautifully captured her innocent voice and her deep love for her father and her passion for space.
Here are some of my thoughts on your story:
Strengths:
* Compelling Voice: Ellie's narration is authentic and engaging. Her descriptions of her father and her wonder at the cosmos feel genuine and relatable. You've done a great job of capturing the perspective of an eight-year-old.
* Emotional Depth: The story beautifully portrays the strong bond between Ellie and her father. The details about the wooden race car and the telescope are touching and reveal a father who nurtures his daughter's interests. The ending, with Ellie's poignant reflection on her late father, adds a layer of emotional resonance.
* Vivid Imagery: You've used descriptive language to bring Ellie's experiences to life. The image of the wooden telescope, the "shimmering colours" of the object she sees, and the feeling of "cotton candy lava" are all very evocative.
* Intriguing Mystery: The appearance of the unusual celestial object creates a sense of wonder and mystery. Ellie's repeated observations and Mr. Harrison's inability to see it raise interesting questions for the reader.
* Symbolic Significance: The telescope, named "Auriel" and later the mysterious object "D-1Ad-4EL," serves as a powerful symbol of Ellie's connection to her father and her dreams. The act of looking through it becomes a personal and almost magical experience.
* Show, Don't Tell: You effectively show Ellie's love for her father through her memories and descriptions of his creations, rather than simply stating it.
Areas for Potential Consideration (Minor):
* Pacing: While the story flows well, you might consider slightly varying the pace in the middle section. The detailed descriptions of her telescope and Mr. Harrison's attempts to see the object could be tightened slightly to build more anticipation.
* The Mysterious Object: While the mystery is intriguing, you might consider hinting at a possible explanation (even if it remains ambiguous) for the unique phenomenon Ellie observes. Is it a figment of her imagination fueled by grief and wonder, or is there something truly extraordinary happening? This could add another layer of interpretation for the reader.
Overall:
This is a lovely and touching story with a strong narrative voice and vivid imagery. You've successfully created a character we care about and a situation that sparks curiosity and emotion. The ending is particularly moving and leaves a lasting impression. The story beautifully explores themes of love, loss, imagination, and the power of dreams.
You have a real talent for storytelling!

sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
6
6
Review of Hope Burning  Open in new Window.
for entry "Chapter Ten:Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Kitt

This is a pleasant and engaging little snippet of a story! Here's a review focusing on its strengths and potential areas for development:
Strengths:
* Engaging Opening: The story immediately draws the reader in with Jessica's surprise at her genuine happiness to see Mark. This sets a warm and positive tone for the interaction.
* Natural Dialogue: The banter between Jessica and Mark feels realistic and comfortable. Their playful teasing ("Hey there chief!", "Hey there beautiful," "Dances with burgers?") effectively establishes their easygoing dynamic and budding friendship.
* Show, Don't Tell: The author effectively shows the characters' enjoyment of each other's company through their smiling, laughing, and comfortable silences during the drive. This is more impactful than simply stating they had a good time.
* Intriguing Mystery: The brief mention of the men staring at the jeep introduces a subtle element of potential conflict or foreshadowing. This piques the reader's interest and makes them wonder about their significance.
* Sensory Details: The description of the 50's style diner, located in an unexpected place and serving surprisingly good food, adds a touch of charm and realism to the journey. Jessica's reaction to it is relatable.
* Character Dynamics: The story nicely highlights the developing dynamic between Jessica and Mark. Their shared enjoyment and the hint of Mark's deeper feelings create a sense of anticipation for their future interactions.
* Effective Use of Humor: The playful sarcasm and lighthearted teasing between the characters keep the tone light and enjoyable.
Potential Areas for Development:
* Pacing: While the comfortable silences are effective, the narrative could perhaps benefit from slightly more detailed descriptions of the scenery or Jessica's internal thoughts and feelings as she experiences Washington for the first time.
* The Staring Men: The introduction of the men outside the pharmacy feels a little abrupt. Their "inordinate amount of interest" is intriguing, but the story moves on without providing any further context. Exploring their potential role later could add suspense.
* Mark's "Weighty" Tone: While Jessica notices the shift in Mark's voice, the reader doesn't get much insight into what might be causing it. Exploring this internal conflict for Mark could add depth to his character.
* Jessica's Nervousness: Jessica's nervousness about the potential shift in their relationship is mentioned but not deeply explored. Delving into her reasons for wanting to maintain the friendship could provide more insight into her perspective.
* Setting the Scene: While the diner is described well, more vivid descriptions of the Washington scenery they are driving through could enhance the reader's immersion in the story.
Overall:
This is a promising start to a story with engaging characters and a pleasant tone. The dialogue is natural, and the budding connection between Jessica and Mark is well-portrayed. By further developing the subtle hints of conflict and exploring the characters' internal thoughts and the setting in more detail, the author could create an even more compelling narrative. The introduction of the mysterious men outside the pharmacy holds potential for adding an interesting layer to the story...sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
7
7
Review of Hope Burning  Open in new Window.
for entry "Chapter Nine:Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Kitt

This is a well-written piece of narrative fiction that effectively draws the reader into Jessica's internal world and her burgeoning relationship with Mark. Here's a review focusing on its strengths and potential areas for development:
Strengths:
* Compelling Internal Conflict: The story excels at portraying Jessica's internal struggle. Her desire for connection clashes with her fear of intimacy and past trauma. The reader is privy to her conflicting thoughts and feelings, making her a relatable and sympathetic character.
* Gradual Relationship Development: The relationship between Jessica and Mark unfolds at a believable pace. Mark's considerate behavior and respect for Jessica's boundaries are evident, which makes their growing connection feel genuine. The author avoids rushing their intimacy, focusing instead on building a foundation of friendship.
* Show, Don't Tell: The narrative effectively shows the growing attraction and comfort between Jessica and Mark through their actions, dialogue, and internal thoughts. For example, Jessica's pleasure at seeing Mark, her willingness to invite him in, and the comfortable silence they share during their walk all illustrate their developing bond.
* Vivid Sensory Details: The author uses sensory details to immerse the reader in the story. The "mouthwatering aroma" of the stew, the "smooth bare skin" of Mark glowing in the sunlight, and the "jarring electricity" of their accidental touch all contribute to a more engaging reading experience.
* Engaging Dialogue: The dialogue feels natural and reveals character. Jessica's mock tragedy and playful banter with Mark add lightness to the narrative, while their more personal conversations hint at deeper emotions and shared vulnerabilities.
* Intriguing Backstory (Implied): While Jessica's past trauma in Dallas remains a mystery, its presence adds a layer of intrigue and explains her reluctance to fully open up. This creates a sense of anticipation for future revelations.
* Mark's Character: Mark is portrayed as a genuinely kind and patient man, still grieving his loss but open to connection. His actions consistently demonstrate his respect for Jessica's boundaries, making him a likable and trustworthy character.
* Building Tension: The subtle hints of attraction and the underlying tension between Jessica and Mark keep the reader engaged and wondering about the future of their relationship. The "hungry look" in Mark's eyes and the "jarring electricity" of their touch create a palpable sense of anticipation.
* Humorous Elements: The gossip in the town and Jessica's internal monologue about becoming the "old lady with the thousand cats" provide moments of lightheartedness and prevent the story from becoming too heavy.
Potential Areas for Development:
* Pacing in the Middle: While the beginning and end of this section are well-paced, the middle section, detailing their daily walks and dinners, could benefit from a bit more variation in events or a deeper exploration of specific conversations or moments that further solidify their bond.
* Janet's Character: While Janet serves a purpose in the plot (cat-sitting and highlighting the town gossip), her character could be more developed. Her motivations for being so invested in Jessica's relationship with Mark could be explored further.
* The Attic Room: The description of the attic room and the innkeeper's reluctance to rent it create a sense of foreboding. This could be used to build more suspense or introduce an element of the unexpected during their weekend trip.
* Show, Don't Tell (Slight Repetition): Phrases like "Jessica was always painfully aware of the tension between them" could be shown more through her internal reactions and observations rather than stated directly. While not a major issue, subtle shifts in phrasing can enhance the impact.
Overall:
This is a promising and engaging piece of writing. The author skillfully portrays the complexities of human connection, the lingering effects of past experiences, and the delicate dance of building trust. The characters are well-drawn, and the narrative effectively captures the emotional nuances of their evolving relationship. The reader is left wanting to know more about Jessica's past and the future of her connection with Mark, making this a compelling read.

sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
8
8
Review of Hope Burning  Open in new Window.
for entry "Chapter Eight:Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Kitt

The seventh sequel and the way you have expressed so much in so little a word did leave deep impression. This is a well-written and emotionally resonant passage. You've effectively drawn the reader into Mark's internal world, showcasing his grief, his surprise at his own vulnerability, and the burgeoning interest in his new neighbor, Jessica. Here's a review with some specific points:
Strengths:
* Strong Emotional Core: The passage beautifully conveys the depth of Mark's grief for Kai. Phrases like "burden of grief that had laid so heavily upon him for the last two years" and the description of Kai as his "right arm and, truth to tell, probably his left as well" powerfully illustrate his loss. The guilt he feels at finding some relief is a nuanced and believable emotion.
* Effective Use of Contrast: The detailed physical descriptions of Kai and Jessica and the explicit comparisons between them are well done. This highlights not only their differences but also the subtle similarities Mark perceives, making his growing interest in Jessica feel organic rather than a simple replacement.
* Show, Don't Tell: Instead of stating that Mark is starting to heal, you show it through his surprise at confiding in Jessica and the feeling of being able to breathe again. The final sentence about his dream is a powerful and subtle indicator of this shift.
* Intriguing Character Development: Mark comes across as a complex and sympathetic character. His vulnerability, his lingering love for Kai, and his cautious curiosity about Jessica are all well-portrayed. Jessica also emerges as an intriguing figure, shrouded in a bit of mystery that makes the reader (and Mark) want to know more.
* Natural Dialogue (Internal): Mark's internal monologue feels authentic and flows naturally. His wonderings about Jessica and his interaction with Douglas feel like genuine moments.
* Sensory Details: The descriptions of both women are rich with sensory details ("absurdly small and petite," "tall curvy woman," "deep pools of warm brown," "thick frothing waves of a dark ocean with russet highlights") that help the reader visualize them.
* Pacing: The pacing of the passage is good. It allows time for Mark's reflections and the gradual introduction of his feelings for Jessica.
Areas for Potential Consideration (Minor):
* The Bowl: While the bowl is mentioned at the beginning, it doesn't seem to play a significant role in this particular passage. You might consider either giving it a bit more relevance to Mark's thoughts or perhaps omitting it if it's not crucial to this specific moment.
* "Truth to tell": While this idiom works, you might consider if there's a slightly more contemporary way to express the same sentiment to maintain a consistent narrative voice. However, this is a very minor point and depends on the overall tone you're aiming for.
* Shared Navajo Heritage: This detail about Jessica is mentioned almost as an aside during her physical description. If it's going to be a significant aspect of her character or her connection with Mark, you might consider weaving it in more explicitly or hinting at its importance later.
Overall:
This is a compelling and emotionally resonant piece of writing. You've successfully established Mark's internal conflict and the beginning of a potential new chapter in his life. The descriptions are vivid, the emotions are palpable, and the characters are intriguing. It leaves the reader wanting to know more about Mark and Jessica's story. Well done!
sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
9
9
Review of Hope Burning  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Kitt

This is a nice creative sequel and I am posting my detailed review. This is a lovely and engaging story! You've created two intriguing characters and a charming small-town atmosphere. Here's a review with some observations and suggestions:
Strengths:
* Compelling Characters: Mark and Jessica are both well-drawn and relatable. Mark's reclusiveness and nervousness around Jessica feel authentic, and Jessica's artistic talent and underlying vulnerability are nicely portrayed. Their interactions are believable and carry a quiet emotional weight.
* Atmospheric Setting: Angels Bay feels like a real small town, with its gossipy nature and limited options. The description of the Dutchman restaurant is particularly vivid and creates a sense of discovery for both Jessica and the reader.
* Show, Don't Tell: You effectively show the characters' feelings through their actions and dialogue. Mark's discomfort at the clothing store, Jessica's anxiety when presenting the bowl, and their mutual enjoyment of the evening are all conveyed through their behavior.
* Building Tension: The narrative subtly builds tension around the nature of their relationship and their past experiences. The hints of Jessica's difficult year and Mark's grief create a sense of depth and anticipation.
* Natural Dialogue: The conversations between Mark and Jessica feel realistic and flow well. Their hesitations and unspoken feelings add to the authenticity.
* Sensory Details: You incorporate sensory details effectively, such as the smells and sounds of the restaurant, which immerse the reader in the scene.
* Pacing: The pacing of the evening feels natural, allowing the relationship between Mark and Jessica to develop gradually.
Areas for Potential Enhancement:
* Jessica's Wrap: The detail about Jessica's wrap, and Mark's curiosity about it, feels a little dropped. It's mentioned as something that "obscured her body" and didn't seem necessary due to the temperature, but it's never revisited. Perhaps hinting at her reasons for wearing it later could add another layer to her character.
* Mark's Internal Monologue: While Mark's internal thoughts are present, you could explore them even more deeply, especially regarding his feelings for Jessica and how they contrast with his past experiences. His realization about not thinking of being with anyone since his wife's death is a good example of this.
* Show, Don't Tell (Slightly More): There are a few instances where feelings are explicitly stated ("He felt very nervous," "She seemed anxious"). While not problematic, you could consider showing these feelings through more subtle actions or internal thoughts. For example, instead of saying "He felt very nervous," you could describe his clammy hands or racing heart.
* The "Psycho" Comment: Jessica's internal thought, "Of course, maybe he is just treating me like any other unpredictable psycho," feels a bit abrupt and doesn't have much context within the current scene. It hints at something in her past, but it could be integrated more smoothly or expanded upon later to provide more impact.
* Description of the Bowl: While the description of the bowl is excellent, you could perhaps weave in a tiny detail that connects it more personally to Mark's interests beyond just liking wolves and mesquite wood. This would further emphasize the thoughtfulness of Jessica's gift.
Overall:
This is a well-written and engaging piece of storytelling. You've created a believable connection between two complex characters in a charming setting. The dialogue is natural, the pacing is good, and the descriptions are vivid. The potential enhancements suggested are minor and aim to add even more depth and nuance to an already strong narrative. You've done a wonderful job of drawing the reader into Mark and Jessica's budding relationship...sindbad


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10
10
Review of Hope Burning  Open in new Window.
for entry "Chapter Six:Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Kitt

This is the 6th chapter I am reviewing and trust me, I am indeed very proud and lucky to read this excellent story. This is a well-written and engaging piece! You've done a great job of showing Jessica's internal turmoil and her process of regaining composure. Here are a few observations and suggestions:
Strengths:
* Strong Internal Monologue: You effectively use Jessica's thoughts to reveal her anxiety, embarrassment, and eventual determination. The reader gets a clear sense of her emotional state.
* Vivid Imagery: Phrases like "reject from a bad zombie movie" and the description of the wood shop and the cocobolo wood create strong mental images.
* Realistic Reactions: Jessica's panic attack, her frustration with herself, and her interactions with Sasha feel authentic.
* Pacing: The story moves at a good pace, allowing the reader to follow Jessica's emotional journey and her preparations for the dinner.
* Show, Don't Tell: You effectively show Jessica's feelings through her actions and thoughts rather than simply stating them. For example, her stiff walk to the bathroom shows her lingering tension.
* Engaging Dialogue (even with the cat!): Jessica's conversations with Sasha, while one-sided, add a touch of humor and reveal her personality.
* Clear Goal: The narrative clearly builds towards Jessica's dinner with Mark and her decision to create a gift for him.
Suggestions for Potential Improvement:
* The "Incident": You mention the "pie turned out to be a bust" and the "incident earlier." While this creates intrigue, adding a brief, subtle hint about what happened could further engage the reader. It doesn't need to be a full explanation, but a word or two could satisfy curiosity without derailing the current focus on Jessica's emotional state.
* Sensory Details in the Wardrobe Scene: While you describe the dresses, you could enhance this scene by adding more sensory details. What do the fabrics feel like? How do they smell (if they've been in the closet for a while)? This could make the scene even more immersive.
* Sasha's Role: Sasha is a charming presence. You could subtly use Sasha's reactions to mirror or contrast Jessica's emotions. For example, Sasha's calm demeanor during Jessica's panic could highlight Jessica's internal struggle.
* Transition to the Workshop: The transition to the workshop is a little abrupt. You could add a sentence or two to bridge the decision to go to the workshop with her arrival there, perhaps mentioning her feeling a sense of relief or a need for distraction.
* Building Suspense for the Gift: You mention Jessica's sudden idea for Mark's gift. You could build a little more suspense around this by focusing on her excitement and anticipation without revealing exactly what she plans to make.
Overall:
This is a compelling piece of writing with a relatable protagonist and a clear narrative arc. The internal conflict and the steps Jessica takes to overcome her anxiety are well-portrayed. The suggestions above are minor and aimed at further enhancing the already strong writing. You've created a scenario that leaves the reader curious about the upcoming dinner and the gift Jessica is planning. Keep up the great work!
...sindbad


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11
11
Review of Hope Burning  Open in new Window.
for entry "Chapter Five:Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Kitt

As I have reviewed the previous four sequels and did find the story worth writing a review and been lucky to come across this sequel.This was a captivating read! You've created a scene brimming with tension, vulnerability, and the delicate beginnings of connection. The contrast between Jessica's intense fear and Mark's genuine concern and gentle actions is particularly well done. Here are a few thoughts as I read:
Strengths:
* Show, Don't Tell: You masterfully show Jessica's terror through her physical reactions – the rushing breath, the draining of color, the cold sweat, the wild eyes, and the flailing movements. Mark's concern is equally evident in his actions and internal thoughts.
* Pacing and Tension: The initial encounter on the porch is charged with unspoken awkwardness. The tripping incident escalates the tension rapidly, and Jessica's subsequent panic is visceral. The gradual de-escalation as Mark speaks calmly and offers the paper bag feels realistic.
* Character Development (even in a short excerpt): Both characters are distinct and intriguing. Jessica carries a palpable trauma that manifests in her extreme reactions. Mark comes across as genuinely kind, patient, and observant. His internal frustration at the loose step and his anger at seeing her bruises hint at a protective nature.
* Dialogue: The dialogue feels natural and reveals character. Jessica's rushed apologies and Mark's gentle but firm reassurances are effective. The later banter about the pie and dinner adds a touch of lightness and hope.
* Sensory Details: You include effective sensory details, such as the "soft curve" of Jessica's body, the "slickness" of desire, the "sharp hiss" of breath, and the "tinkling of bells" of Jessica's laugh.
* Internal Monologue: The internal thoughts of both characters provide valuable insight into their feelings and motivations, particularly Mark's frustration and Jessica's self-consciousness and burgeoning trust.
* Building Romance (or at least connection): Despite the initial chaos, the seeds of a potential romance are definitely being sown. Mark's gentle care and Jessica's unexpected reactions to his touch suggest a developing dynamic. The dinner invitation and acceptance, despite Jessica's internal reservations, move the story forward.
Areas for Potential Exploration (Not necessarily weaknesses, but things that pique curiosity):
* The Bruises: The repeated mention of Jessica's bruises creates a strong sense of mystery and hints at a difficult past. This is a significant hook for the reader.
* Jessica's Trauma: While her fear is evident, the specific source of her terror remains unclear. This builds suspense and makes the reader want to know more about her backstory.
* Mark's Feelings: While his kindness is clear, the depth of Mark's interest in Jessica is still unfolding. His internal reactions to her beauty and vulnerability suggest a growing attraction.
* The Broken Pie Dish: The significance of the antique pie dish adds a layer of emotional weight to Jessica's mishap and highlights her desire to show appreciation.
Overall:
This is a compelling piece of writing that effectively draws the reader into the emotional turmoil of the moment and the burgeoning connection between two complex characters. The vivid descriptions and internal thoughts create a rich and engaging experience. I'm definitely curious to know what happens next!

sindbad


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12
12
Review of Hope Burning  Open in new Window.
for entry "Chapter Four: MarkOpen in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Kitt

The fourth sequel on Mark did leave a deep impression. This is a well-written excerpt that effectively conveys Mark's grief and his attempts to cope with the loss of his wife, Kai. Here's a review of the passage:
Strengths:
* Show, Don't Tell: The author excels at showing Mark's emotional state through his actions and internal thoughts rather than simply stating he is sad or lonely. His terse phone call, his memories of Kai in their house, and his physical reactions (chest constricting, difficulty breathing) all vividly illustrate his pain.
* Compelling Emotional Arc: The passage clearly depicts Mark's journey from intense grief and isolation to a glimmer of potential connection with Jessica. The crumbling walls of his emotional defenses create a sense of anticipation.
* Realistic Dialogue: The brief phone conversation with his mother feels authentic and highlights the well-meaning but perhaps unwelcome pressure he is under to move on.
* Strong Imagery: Phrases like "cold and empty as it had been when he went to bed" and "deep wells of secrets she had hidden in her eyes" create vivid mental pictures for the reader.
* Effective Use of Internal Monologue: We gain deep insight into Mark's thoughts and feelings, understanding his motivations for moving and his internal conflict regarding Jessica.
* Pacing: The pacing of the narrative feels natural, allowing the reader to understand the depth of Mark's past pain before introducing the potential for change.
* Intriguing Cliffhanger: The final sentence, introducing Jessica at the back door, creates immediate intrigue and leaves the reader wanting to know what happens next.
Areas for Potential Discussion (though not necessarily weaknesses):
* Jessica's Introduction: While effective as a catalyst for Mark's internal conflict, we don't yet know much about Jessica herself. Developing her character further in subsequent passages will be important.
* The Nature of Kai's Death: The passage mentions Kai's death but doesn't provide any details. This could be intentional to keep the focus on Mark's grief, but it might be something to explore later if it becomes relevant to the story.
Overall:
This is a strong and emotionally resonant opening to a story. The author successfully draws the reader into Mark's world and his internal struggles. The introduction of Jessica at the end promises an interesting shift in the narrative. The writing is clear, evocative, and effectively conveys the weight of Mark's grief and the tentative hope for something more...sindbad


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13
13
Review of Hope Burning  Open in new Window.
for entry "Chapter Three:Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Kitt

I have done previous chapter review and will try to do a detailed review for this chapter now. This is a well-written scene with a good pace and interesting characters! You've successfully created a vivid picture of both Mark's frustrated concern and Jessica's emotional journey. The dialogue feels natural, and Cal's gruff but secretly kind nature is a highlight. The detailed description of the burl and Jessica's reaction to it is particularly engaging.
Here are a few observations, keeping in mind this is a "personal non AI review":
* Mark's Opening: The beginning effectively sets up a sense of immediate past action and Mark's protective nature. His internal monologue about the lawyer and Jean Butler adds a touch of everyday frustration that contrasts with the earlier urgency.
* Jessica's Emotional Arc: You've shown her shift from self-pity to a need for action well. The shower scene is a classic way to depict someone trying to cleanse themselves of trauma. Her clumsiness with the table adds a touch of relatable humanity.
* Cal's Character: He's a standout! His gruff voice and mannerisms juxtaposed with his knowing glances and the effort he put into getting the burl for Jessica create a memorable and intriguing character. His internal thoughts at the end further solidify his unexpected connection with her.
* The Burl: The description of the wood is excellent. You've used sensory details (sight, touch, smell) to make it come alive and explain Jessica's fascination. The contrast between the Cedar and Purple Heart is beautifully described.
* Dialogue: The conversations feel realistic. Cal's clipped speech and Jessica's more expressive responses are distinct and believable.
* Pacing: The story moves at a good pace, allowing enough time to establish the characters' emotions and motivations without lingering too long on any one moment.
* Show, Don't Tell: You've largely followed this principle well, showing Jessica's sadness and Cal's hidden kindness through their actions and dialogue rather than simply stating it.
Overall, this is a compelling scene that leaves the reader wanting to know more about these characters and their situations. You've done a great job of creating intrigue and emotional depth...sindbad





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14
14
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Tim Chiu

I have gone through all your poem, and each one of them stands out.This is a piece of erotic poetry that vividly describes a passionate and intimate encounter between two young lovers. The language is rich with sensory details, focusing on the physical sensations and emotional intensity of their lovemaking.
Here's a breakdown of some key aspects:
* Focus on Sensuality: The poem heavily emphasizes physical sensations through words like "diving into the flesh," "licking tongues," "heated movements," "oral and coital penetration," and "naked bodies."
* Emotional Intensity: Words like "jubilant," "worshipful levity," "lusty lovemaking," "excitement," "great emotions," "amorous," "impassioned statements," "ultimate gratification," "longing," and "superb sensuality" convey the strong emotions involved.
* Youthful Energy and Beauty: The poem highlights the youthfulness and beauty of the couple with phrases like "young folks'," "toned, tantric and supple zones," "youthful and beautiful sensations," and "perfect and wild partners."
* Dreamlike and Surreal Quality: The phrase "surreal evening" and "dreamlike nightcap" suggest an almost fantastical or heightened experience of intimacy.
* Future Aspirations: The ending looks towards a future filled with "great love, nude copulation, and exquisite ties," suggesting a deep and sensual connection as the foundation of their relationship.
* Figurative Language: The poem uses metaphors and evocative imagery, such as "diving into the flesh of a surreal evening" and "the timeless partners entertained by these nightly lines and edges."
Overall Review:
The poem is a powerful and explicit portrayal of sexual intimacy. It successfully creates a sensual and emotional atmosphere through its vivid descriptions and carefully chosen language. The poem moves beyond mere physical description to suggest a deep connection and a shared vision for a future filled with love and passion. The use of evocative language and imagery makes the experience palpable for the reader. However, the explicit nature of the content may not be suitable for all audiences. Though I did find the poem creative...sindbad.


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15
15
Review of Ch.1 - Genesis  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi
J.M.Kraynak

This is a powerful and visceral piece of writing! The imagery is incredibly vivid, and the descent of Jeremiah Solomon is compellingly portrayed. Here are some thoughts on your work:
Strengths:
* Atmosphere and Setting: You've masterfully created a sense of oppressive dreariness in London. The detailed descriptions of the weather, the crowds, and the gin palace truly immerse the reader in the scene. Words like "emaciated," "oppressive panorama," "whistling draught," "pallid," "frail," and "failing sunlight" paint a bleak and tangible picture.
* Sensory Details: The story is rich with sensory details that make the events feel immediate and disturbing. The "hellish howling," the "soft, wet noise" of tearing flesh, the "milky white eyes," the "keen razor edge" of the indigent's voice, and the "wet and grotesque fissures" of the dead man's face all create a visceral and unsettling experience for the reader.
* Character Development (Internal): The internal transformation of Jeremiah Solomon is the core of the story, and you've handled it with nuance. His initial detached observation of the suffering around him, his morbid curiosity, and the gradual erosion of his indifference are well-developed. The encounter with the cannibalistic figure acts as a catalyst for a profound spiritual and psychological shift.
* Symbolism and Imagery: The language is laden with symbolic weight. The "ledger keeping of the day's business" represents Solomon's detached and transactional view of life. The blood staining the black coat "with a deeper black" hints at a profound corruption. The indigent's words, echoing during communion, become a potent symbol of Solomon's lost faith. The act of spitting out the wafer is a powerful rejection of his former beliefs.
* Pacing and Tension: The initial description builds a sense of unease before the shocking violence erupts. The encounter with the cannibal is described with a chilling intensity. The aftermath and Solomon's subsequent internal struggle maintain a compelling pace.
* Figurative Language: You employ strong metaphors and similes throughout. The crowd fleeing like "prey animals," the indigent snarling "like a rabid mongrel," the eyes stabbing "like fire pokers," and the voice slicing "as slick and wicked as a serpent's skin" are all effective in conveying the intensity of the events.
* Thematic Exploration: The story delves into themes of indifference, the impact of witnessing extreme violence, the loss of faith, and the search for meaning beyond conventional religion. The title, "'Twas the day I died," is ironic and hints at a metaphorical death and rebirth.
Areas for Potential Consideration (Minor):
* Dialogue of Mr. Pickett: While his terseness is established, some of his dialogue feels a little too on the nose ("Mister Solomon, sir, it's a might lively out there, best stay in!"). Perhaps a more subtle expression of his usual grumbling could achieve the same effect.
* Clarity of Action: In the midst of the chaotic struggle with the police, the sequence of events could be slightly clearer. Phrases like "A surge of bodies jetted forward and came upon him like an avalanche" are evocative, but a touch more detail about who is doing what might enhance the scene's impact.
* Transition to Metaphorical Death: The transition from the literal events to the metaphorical death could be slightly smoother. While the connection is clear, perhaps a sentence or two explicitly stating the shift in Solomon's inner world immediately after the encounter could strengthen this.
Overall:
This is a captivating and disturbing piece of writing. You have a strong command of language and a talent for creating vivid and unsettling imagery. The story effectively portrays a profound psychological and spiritual transformation triggered by a horrific event. The ending, with Solomon's defiant act in the church and his declaration of a "new beginning," leaves a lasting impression. You've successfully crafted a dark and thought-provoking narrative. Great job indeed...sindbad


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16
16
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi
Ironworker

Shed the shackles of a biological legacy is a thought provoking work, here is my detailed take.
It's fascinating to consider the deep roots of our behaviors and how they influence even seemingly simple games like the Prisoner's Dilemma. You've laid out a compelling argument connecting our difficulty with mutual cooperation to our evolutionary history and the ingrained instincts that once served us for survival. Let's explore some of the branches of that ancient game and the heart of its origins, as you put it.
Seeing the Tree Branches: The Primate Roots of the Dilemma
You're right to point to our "primate-born human nature" as a significant factor. Imagine early primate social structures:
* Hierarchies and Dominance: The "King of the Hill" mentality wasn't just about ego; it often determined access to resources, mates, and safety. This ingrained drive for status and the benefits it conferred likely made the idea of equal sharing and vulnerability in cooperation less appealing. The visual structure of dominance provided a sense of order and predictability, even if it was often based on power rather than mutual benefit.
* Resource Scarcity: In environments where resources were limited, a competitive "me first" instinct would have been advantageous for individual survival and the survival of one's kin. This scarcity mindset could easily translate into a reluctance to trust others to cooperate, fearing they might take more than their fair share.
* Kin Selection and Reciprocal Altruism (in early forms): While cooperation within kin groups would have been crucial, extending that trust to unrelated individuals would have been a riskier proposition. Early forms of reciprocal altruism likely existed, but the mechanisms for ensuring fairness and punishing defection would have been less developed, making exploitation a real threat.
* Limited Communication and Social Cognition: Early primates had less sophisticated communication and social understanding than modern humans. Assessing the trustworthiness and intentions of others would have been more challenging, making cooperation based on mutual trust a less reliable strategy.
The Heart of Why Such a Structure Began: The Imperative of Survival
The underlying driver for these behaviors, and the hierarchical structures they often supported, was undoubtedly survival.
* Individual Survival: The instinct to prioritize one's own needs and safety is fundamental to all living organisms. In a dangerous world, being vigilant and potentially aggressive in securing resources and fending off threats would have been a primary concern.
* Group Survival: While individualistic tendencies existed, the benefits of group living for protection against predators and collaborative hunting or foraging would have also exerted selective pressure for cooperation within the group. However, the "us vs. them" mentality, crucial for group cohesion and defense against outsiders, could have simultaneously hindered broader cooperation.
* Managing Conflict: Dominance hierarchies, while potentially brutal, could also serve as a way to reduce constant conflict within a group. Once a pecking order was established, disputes over resources might be settled more quickly, conserving energy and reducing the risk of injury.
The Enduring Legacy: Lack of Trust
As you rightly point out, lack of trust is a central thread running through this evolutionary history and continuing to influence our behavior today. Our brains are wired to be wary of the unknown and to prioritize self-preservation. This inherent skepticism, honed over millennia in environments where betrayal could have dire consequences, makes it difficult to embrace the vulnerability that mutual cooperation in the Prisoner's Dilemma requires.
The Path Forward: Conscious Evolution
Your vision of consciously "shedding the shackles of a biological legacy" is a powerful one. It requires a level of self-awareness and critical reflection that sets us apart. Recognizing the origins of our instincts, not to excuse them, but to understand them, is the first step towards transcending them.
As our societies become increasingly interconnected and the challenges we face become global, the limitations of purely self-interested behavior become starkly apparent. Cultivating trust, fostering empathy, and developing institutions that promote cooperation and accountability are crucial for navigating the complexities of the future.
This "new human being interactions game" with "new rules" that you envision is not about denying our past, but about consciously shaping our future. It requires us to leverage our advanced cognitive abilities to override ingrained biases and embrace a more expansive understanding of mutual benefit and collective well-being. It's a challenging but ultimately hopeful vision, one that hinges on our willingness to engage in precisely the kind of self-examination and open dialogue you've initiated...sindbad


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17
17
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Jeffrey Meyer

This is a powerful and moving story with a clear emotional arc and a strong message about compassion and understanding. Here's a review focusing on its key strengths and some minor points to consider:
Strengths:
* Compelling Protagonist: Fiona is a deeply sympathetic character. Her dedication to her students, her inner strength in the face of Jerry's cruelty, and her profound empathy make her the heart of the story. The narrative effectively conveys her internal world and her connection to her students.
* Vivid Antagonist: Jerry is well-drawn as a man consumed by anger and prejudice. His interactions with Rupert and his hateful remarks towards Bethany are disturbing and effectively establish him as the antagonist. The story doesn't shy away from his ugliness, which makes his eventual breakdown more impactful.
* Emotionally Resonant Core: The central theme of unconditional love and acceptance, particularly from those often marginalized, is deeply moving. The children's silent embrace of Jerry is a powerful symbol of their inherent goodness and their capacity for empathy despite the prejudice they face.
* Effective Use of Contrast: The stark contrast between Jerry's harshness and the children's gentle nature, between the limited "play yard" and the boundless capacity for love shown by the students, highlights the story's central message.
* Strong Climax and Resolution: The confrontation scene between Fiona and Jerry is tense and well-paced. Fiona's unexpected act of hugging Jerry, followed by the children joining in, creates a powerful and cathartic climax. Rupert's final embrace, with his untied shoes, serves as a poignant reminder of Jerry's neglect and the potential for change.
* Sensory Details: The story incorporates effective sensory details, such as the description of Bethany's appearance, Jerry's flaring nostrils, and the silence of the street, which immerse the reader in the scene.
* Figurative Language: The comparison of Fiona and Jerry to a circus trainer and her bear is a striking image that quickly conveys their dynamic. The description of the children "swimming in their love" is also a beautiful and evocative phrase.
Points to Consider:
* Pacing in the Beginning: While the opening establishes Fiona's character and her relationship with Lois, the transition to the introduction of Jerry and Rupert could be slightly more direct. The initial focus on Fiona's good day, while important for contrast later, might feel a little slow before the central conflict is introduced.
* Internal Monologue: While Fiona's internal thoughts are important for understanding her character, there are moments where they might slightly slow down the external action. Balancing the internal and external narratives could enhance the pacing in certain sections.
* The Word "Retard": While the story accurately reflects Jerry's hateful language, the repeated use of the word "retard" can be jarring for the reader. The author uses it to highlight Jerry's cruelty and Rupert's confusion, which is understandable, but it's something to be mindful of in terms of reader experience.
* Bethany's Speech: While the phonetic spelling of Bethany's speech ("I'd wuv em boaf if ee'd let me") effectively conveys her speech impediment, consistency in this approach for all instances of her dialogue might be considered for clarity.
Overall:
This is a deeply moving and impactful story that explores themes of prejudice, compassion, and the transformative power of unconditional love. Fiona's quiet strength and the children's innocent empathy create a powerful narrative that lingers with the reader. The story effectively builds tension and culminates in a cathartic and hopeful resolution. The points for consideration are minor and do not detract significantly from the overall emotional impact and message of the story. It's a story that has the potential to evoke strong emotions and promote reflection on how we treat those who are different...sindbad


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18
18
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Tim Chiu

Strong mind and body takes a lot of effort, patience, discipline, determination focus goal and luck as well to some extend. You have written a totally new and logical path with a sucessful outcome on strong body and mind and that is healthy spirit. I this world full of tension and material absorption and healthy spirit with the lines supporting like- Careful delivery will always make do.
Sinful alliances drive those big bucks; Pick that toy rifle and aim to construe. A wallowing row of bullseye-lined ducks..leaves a long and lasting impression. A great poem with infinite maturity and wisdom..sindbad


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19
19
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Tim Chiu

This is so very refreshing and intellectually so very refreshing poem. As a reader a inner joy and peace happens while reading this wonderful poem, words like The Lord bestowed
His kind followers
With soulful piety,
Obligatory truth,
And the stark fear
Of The Almighty’s wrath;
The Son entrusted His treasured resurgence, To His honored and devoted Kingdom’s great need
For The Father’s Love…leaves so much awe and admiration to your inner happiness and peace. Great poem with so much to give..sindbad


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20
20
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Tim Chiu

This is one refreshing and mood elevating poem I came across and thank the lord. Today my father in law passed away and I was looking for some spritual and emotional upliftment. This poem and the Lords blessings are so very abundant with lines like- His spectacular wisdom adorning, Our jubilant and happy souls, With a compassion, hope,
And deference For all eternity...Thankful indeed from the core of my heart. Wish you all the best and pass on this moments of enlightenment with more such poems...sindbad


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21
21
Review of Proelium Mentis  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Achilles Asheelz

This is a nice and interesting story you have carved with some brilliant and yet simple language, a language that is easy to comprehend like- Susan offered him an arm. Internally he was very grateful because standing was a lot harder than he assumed it would be. He decided a visit after class wasn't such a bad idea after all...and the plot has some unique inputs that did leave a deep impression. Great job indeed though you wrote this story 13 years ago, expecting an update to make it upto date..sindbad



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22
22
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi
smitch

This is a nice and elegant sequel with the way the four protagonist and specially Gordon conducted and events happening with uncertain accuracy. The creativity at its best is captured in the paragraph- I sucked on my lip; I had no idea what he was talking about, so I just nodded. "Yeah of course." My grip on Logan's shoulder shifted, and my thumb rested on his neck. A cold finger touched my heart, I felt a tell-tale nub of skin; another one of my friends--a fake...All this did leave a deep impression..sindbad


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23
23
for entry "Dreams of an OrphanOpen in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Bmao

Dream of orphans is a interesting and to some extend a unique blend of excitement, events happening in rapid succession and as a reader did feel the loss and mishaps happening with the orphans. Dreams with so many variations and wonderful solutions all this makes this sequel interesting and easy to be popular. The lines like - I also remembered times when there had been orphans who had died. Many of them were those who had some kind of medical problem; they would have problems chewing, or a physical defect of some kind, or a terrible behavioral problem. Those poor souls were often kept away from the rest of the relatively healthy orphans, as they got sick often, and their despair often times affected the other hatchlings as well. The orphanage doubled as a hospital, but for many years, there had been a fear that when you were taken to ‘the room’ as we called it you never came out. That was not true, and there were cases when orphans did get cured, but it was a reminder of how fragile life could be for an orphan. Thankfully, nothing like that had happened for about ten years now, but when I was small it used to happen more often. I thought that maybe many of us had been traumatized by the loss of family or the violence. I certainly sometimes had very bad night terrors, but have never been able to recall a single one....Though long but covers all the aspect of complete and balanced summation and I feel did leave deep impression...sindbad


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24
24
for entry "The WatchdragonsOpen in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Bmao

This is a nice and intriguing second chapter with very well curated actions and deep meaning and difficult situations and actions so very well expressed here. As a reader I did fall for the addictive nature of the story structure. The words like - Here is your answer. You have lost to me, Fangorn of Clan Irontail, newly ordained Holy Knight of Draconia. Whatever skill you thought you had, I have shown you the difference between an amateur street fighter and a professional warrior trained from birth to defend the Empire from danger. As things stand you are not qualified to join the Knights, not by a long shot!” announced the guard. Only now did I notice the crowd of humanoid spectators that had borne witness to my humiliation, but I still released a growl in the other dragon’s direction. I could not allow this arrogant jerk to see me so downtrodden!...can justify what I have written about the impression a reader can get...sindbad


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25
25
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Redtowrite

This is a nice and interesting story with so many things happening with so little and interesting words. The way the introduction of the story done did increase my interest and enhance my appetite to appreciate complicated and yet simple story with great moral value and an ending that leaves a long lasting taste. Great job indeed..sindbad


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