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1
1
Review of To Dance with Joy  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Kathie Stehr

This is a detailed review of the poem "To Dance with Joy."
💃 Detailed Review: To Dance with Joy
"To Dance with Joy" is a concise and emotionally charged poem that uses the powerful metaphor of dance and shoes to explore themes of control, abuse, trauma, and eventual liberation. The poem is a journey from the narrator's past captivity to her present self-reclamation.
✍️ Strengths of the Poem
1. Central Metaphor: Dance and Shoes
The poem's greatest strength is the consistent and potent use of the dance metaphor.
* Captivity (Red Silk Pumps): The "magical enchanted shoes" that were "golden keys to unlock joy" are revealed to be instruments of pain and control. The discovery of the "smear of dried blood, rusty odor" and the phrase "Her bought blood, dancing" is a shocking and visceral moment, immediately equating the forced performances with self-harm and abuse.
* Liberation (Pink Satin Ballet Slippers): The contrast between the red silk pumps (glittering, glamorous, and painful) and the pink satin ballet slippers (soft, deliberate, and traditionally representing artistic grace) beautifully symbolizes her healing and decision to dance on her own terms.
2. Narrative Arc and Transformation
The poem successfully condenses a decade-long trauma and recovery into 36 lines. The narrative progresses clearly:
* The Trigger: An unwelcome message ("His message, after ten years") reintroduces the past trauma.
* The Memory: Finding the red silk pumps brings back the memory of being a "doll" and "his property," performing to gain "his love."
* The Confrontation: The "lordship" returns, now diminished ("older, softer, shorter, grey hair"), highlighting the shift in power.
* The Reclamation: The narrator chooses her own path, lacing up the pink slippers and speaking with conviction: "I will no longer break and tear."
3. Imagery and Symbolism
The poem uses strong, specific images:
* The "crystal chandelier" symbolizes the glamorous but cold and exposing environment of her forced performances.
* The "wind up key" image powerfully defines her as a non-sentient object controlled by her abuser.
* Her heart transforming into a "warm red" color is a significant shift, reclaiming the color red from the blood-stained silk shoes and transforming it into a symbol of vital, healthy life and passion.
🚧 Areas for Review
1. Clarity of the Opening Stanza
The poem begins with an excerpt from the hymn "Lord of the Dance" (credited in an asterisk), a song about life and resurrection. While the reference is deep and thematic, the connection to the story's initial plot point ("His message, after ten years") is slightly opaque.
* Suggestion: Thematically, the quote works well to set up the idea of a master/leader. The relationship between the message and the quote could be made clearer, perhaps by slightly integrating the sentiment of the quote into the narrator’s thoughts.
2. Rhyme Scheme and Meter
The poem primarily uses an AABB rhyme scheme in quatrains (four-line stanzas), which gives it a driving, rhythmic quality, like a dance. However, some rhymes feel slightly forced or rely on partial rhymes (e.g., toy/joy is strong; treasures/maybes breaks the pattern, and spine/mind is a near-rhyme).
* Suggestion: The rhythm is stronger than the rhyme. Focusing more on the flow and meter to create a compelling rhythm that matches the movement of a dance, rather than strictly adhering to perfect end-rhymes, might allow for more natural and impactful word choices.
3. Description of the Abuser
The description of the "lordship" as "No commanding presence, just hot air. Nothing to fear, no deep voice to scare" is effective in showing the abuser's diminished power from the narrator's current perspective. However, this contrast is very abrupt.
* Suggestion: A brief line showing a final, internal dismissal of his former authority, right before his physical description, could make the moment of his unveiling even more triumphant for the narrator.
The poem is a moving piece of survival literature. It uses potent, physical imagery to illustrate the emotional transformation from an object of control to a liberated individual who chooses the rhythm and partners of her own dance...sindbad


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2
2
Review of The Caring Soul  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Naomi

This is a detailed review of the story "The Caring Soul."
🙏 Detailed Review: The Caring Soul
🌟 Overall Impression
"The Caring Soul" is a touching tribute to human compassion and selflessness during the height of the COVID-19 pandemic, specifically in the Philippines. The story functions as a modern-day parable, celebrating the virtue of sacrifice over the mere drive for survival. While the narrative's primary goal is to convey an uplifting message, it succeeds in highlighting the desperation and chaos of the time and the enduring power of empathy.
✍️ Strengths of the Story
1. Poignant Context and Setting
The story effectively sets a desperate scene, immediately grounding the reader in the reality of the Philippines during the worst of the pandemic: "hospitals were over crowded," "NO ROOMS AVAILABLE! NO BEDS AVAILABLE!" and "panic buying of oxygen." This description of extreme crisis makes the grandmother's act of sacrifice feel urgent, significant, and genuinely risky. It provides the high-stakes backdrop necessary for the selfless act to resonate deeply.
2. Clear Moral and Emotional Arc
The story delivers its moral message—the importance of a "caring soul"—with clarity and impact. The grandmother’s internal journey moves swiftly from personal discomfort to profound empathy: she regrets being hospitalized, witnesses the wife’s despair, and instantly makes a selfless decision. The dialogue with her children and the patient’s wife firmly establishes her resolve, and the final scene with the mangoes and the children's letter provides a warm, satisfying emotional payoff.
3. Characterization Through Action
The grandmother is a well-defined character whose actions speak louder than words. She is practical (using fruit juice and porridge for past fevers), determined ("My decision is firm and final"), and deeply thoughtful (giving detailed quarantine and financial instructions to her house helper). Her concern for others—including the overworked frontliners—shows a vast capacity for empathy that drives the entire plot.
4. Cultural Specificity
The inclusion of details specific to the Philippines, such as the mention of "Lola" (meaning Grandma) and the gesture of bringing baskets of ripe mango fruits, adds a layer of cultural warmth and authenticity to the setting and the demonstration of gratitude.
🚧 Areas for Review
1. Narrative Pacing and Tension
The story resolves the grandmother's own illness very quickly. After the high drama of her leaving the hospital, her recovery at home is summarized in just a few sentences ("After taking Paracetamol for three days, she felt much better..."). While this serves the main purpose (focusing on the act of kindness, not the illness itself), it undercuts the perceived risk of her initial decision.
* Suggestion: A brief moment of intense discomfort or a fever spike during her self-quarantine could briefly reinforce the tension and make her recovery feel less assured, thereby magnifying the wisdom and luck of her choice.
2. Dialogue and Clarity
Some of the dialogue and exposition could benefit from tightening to improve the flow. For instance, the argument with her son, the doctor, and her daughter, the nurse, is described as happening quickly, but the exact words they exchange are only partially revealed.
* Suggestion: Reviewing phrases for conciseness could make the emotional impact even stronger. For example, the description of the patient's wife's loud cry is somewhat lengthy: "With a loud voice, fhe old lady clearly heard her." could be simplified to something more direct to maintain the urgency.
3. Establishing Character Status
The narrator is quick to establish the status of the characters—the grandmother's children are a doctor and a nurse, the patient is an engineer and a ship captain. While this quickly demonstrates that the grandmother is well-off and the man is a responsible father, it slightly deviates from the theme of universal suffering.
* Suggestion: While the status is used to highlight the importance of the man surviving for his family, allowing the reader to focus on the man's vulnerability as a sick father first might strengthen the emotional appeal before revealing his profession later.
📝 Final Recommendation
"The Caring Soul" is a heartwarming and timely story that successfully uses the tragic background of the pandemic to celebrate a magnificent act of selflessness. It is well-intentioned and uplifting, and the final scene of connection and gratitude is deeply moving. It is a beautiful reminder of the power of human connection during times of crisis...sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
3
3
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi
dharma

This is a detailed review of the story "46th and Stockholm."
💥 Detailed Review: 46th and Stockholm
"46th and Stockholm" is a raw, visceral crime narrative that immerses the reader into a robbery gone catastrophically wrong. Told through the eyes of the protagonist, Isaac "Zee," the story focuses less on the execution of the crime and more on the sudden, tragic collision of his violent reality with the brief, intoxicating possibility of a different life. The author successfully captures the escalating chaos and the narrator’s final, suicidal acceptance of his fate.
✍️ Strengths of the Story
1. Authentic and Immersive Voice
The story is driven by Isaac's (Zee's) desperate, cynical, and ultimately self-sacrificing voice. His internal monologue is filled with short, urgent sentences and vernacular ("Stupid question," "big damn kid," "chain smoking"), giving the narrative an immediate, gritty authenticity. The use of specific brand names (27s, American Spirit yellow, Mickey's, Ruger LC9, Browning 9mil) anchors the action firmly in a specific, low-income, crime-ridden environment, enhancing the realism.
2. Conflict and Emotional Depth
The central strength is the powerful internal conflict that derails the plan. The moment Isaac meets Laura, the "prettiest girl I’ve ever seen," the planned robbery is instantly rendered meaningless. This chance encounter acts as an emotional stop-sign, symbolizing the "better life" Isaac wanted for his brother, Jason.
* The immediate shift in Isaac's focus from the robbery to flirting, followed by his heartbreaking apology to her after the gunfire, creates a strong, emotional core of tragedy. He wasn't just robbing a store; he was sacrificing his freedom and future for his brother, and the encounter with Laura makes that sacrifice feel infinitely heavier.
3. Pacing and Escalation
The story expertly handles the escalation of chaos. The narrative moves swiftly from the nervous pre-robbery smoke to the sudden, explosive violence when Jason acts prematurely. The sensory details during the shootout—ringing ears, gunpowder smell, blurring vision, blood and M&M's on the floor—effectively convey the sensory overload of the moment. The subsequent hostage negotiation with Sergeant Shelley adds a layer of tense, inevitable procedure that seals the protagonist's fate.
4. Thematic Resolution
The story achieves a powerful thematic loop at the end. Isaac's final gesture—lighting the "lucky" cigarette he denied himself earlier and passing it to Jason, repeating Jason's original, nervous question ("You think it’s a sign?")—is a poignant moment of acceptance and sacrifice. By ensuring his brother's survival (through Buck's cover story and the ambulance) and Laura's freedom, Isaac chooses a "suicide by cop" scenario. His final act of pulling the gun on Shelley, knowing the outcome, is a final, defiant control over a life that spun wildly out of control.
🚧 Areas for Review
1. Clarity of the Opening Action
While the chaotic scene is effective, the physical dynamics of the initial shootout are slightly confusing. It’s initially unclear who shot whom and how the clerk ended up with a shotgun.
* The sequence: Jason pulls a gun \rightarrow gun blast \rightarrow Isaac finds the clerk with a shotgun \rightarrow the clerk is still standing but twisting slowly \rightarrow Isaac shoots the clerk. The detail about feet hanging out of another aisle suggests someone else (perhaps Jason?) was shot before Isaac fired, but the immediate confusion is maintained.
2. The Relationship Between Isaac and Jason
The motivation for the robbery—"Jay deserved a better life than this"—is strong, but the story relies heavily on the reader inferring their close bond.
* More direct interaction between them before the robbery (beyond the opening lines) or a slightly longer internal reflection on Isaac's past and sense of responsibility would deepen the emotional resonance of Isaac's sacrifice in the final scenes.
3. Narrative Focus During Crisis
The time spent talking to Laura while Jason is bleeding out is central to the tragedy, but it briefly strains credibility, even given Isaac's emotional breakdown. This section emphasizes the fleeting hope that Isaac clings to, but it temporarily slows the urgent, life-and-death pacing established by the immediate violence.
The story is a powerful, dark slice of life that culminates in a necessary tragedy, driven by strong character voice and effective emotional conflict...sindbad


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4
4
Review of Hard to Handle  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi

Kathie Stehr

That was an intense and disturbing read. It's a dark narrative exploring themes of betrayal, obsession, revenge, and ultimately, murder, told from the first-person perspective of the perpetrator.
Here is a detailed review of "Hard to Handle" .
🔪 Detailed Review: Hard to Handle
🌟 Overall Impression
"Hard to Handle" is a chilling and visceral psychological tale of revenge. The story excels at capturing the narrator's descent into calculated madness, turning her pain and humiliation into a meticulously planned act of murder. The writing style is engaging, successfully building a claustrophobic atmosphere of escalating tension and resentment. While the narrator's self-justification for her crime is deeply unsettling, the story effectively portrays her twisted perspective, culminating in the ironic, final self-pitying line: "I hate this dirty cell and don't understand what I did wrong."
✍️ Strengths of the Story
1. Character Voice and Perspective
The greatest strength of the piece is the compelling and unreliable narrator's voice. The narrator, Laurie (or "The Ice Queen"), is immediately captivating, drawing the reader into her highly subjective world. Her internal monologue jumps between fond memories of Glen, cold justification of her own actions, and sharp, insightful commentary on their toxic relationship. This stream-of-consciousness style makes the final act feel both sudden and inevitable.
2. Building of Tension and Relationship Dynamics
The story masterfully details the highly toxic, volatile relationship between Laurie and Glen. Key elements that build tension include:
* Contrasts: Glen is described with alluring contradictions ("mischievous boy and grown man," "spice with sugar"), mirroring the love/hate cycle of their relationship.
* Inciting Details: The specific details of Glen's deceit—the wrong name ("Lana"), the smell of 'Dolce', the wrong lipstick color, the physical abuse followed by remorseful tears and expensive gifts (paid for by her)—create a solid, believable foundation for the narrator's rage.
* The Climax Setup: The description of the reconciliation dinner (the menu, the wine, the discussion of work) serves as a deceptive calm before the storm. The return to the intense, destructive passion is the perfect setup for the betrayal, leading directly to the ultimate act of vengeance.
3. Pacing and Structure
The story is well-paced. The opening paragraphs quickly establish the nature of Glen and the narrator's attraction to him. The bulk of the story is an effective flashback that chronicles the emotional wounds, culminating in the discovery of the infidelity. The final section, detailing the calculated reconciliation and murder, is a swift and brutal payoff, solidifying her moniker, "The Ice Queen."
🚧 Areas for Improvement and Tips
1. Sensory Detail During the Attack
The discovery of the infidelity is a powerful scene, but it could be enhanced by focusing the sensory details on the narrator's internal state rather than solely on the "used up tramp." While her description of the woman highlights her snobbery and rage ("lousy drugstore hair color"), a deeper exploration of the narrator's physical reaction to the betrayal (beyond the migraine) would make the moment even more gut-wrenching before the physical violence begins.
* Tip: Consider replacing some of the descriptive judgment of the other woman with the narrator's own suffocating pain or disorientation—e.g., the sound of her own heartbeat drowning out her thoughts, or a blurring of her vision from the shock.
2. Clarity of the Final Act's Tool
The choice of the ice pick is thematically brilliant, tying into the "Ice Queen" title. However, the mechanism of the murder could be slightly clearer in the lead-up. The line: "Then I reach down to pick up something I had laid on the floor," is a little abrupt.
* Tip: While the abruptness works to convey the narrator's cold focus, a tiny hint earlier—perhaps the ice pick being mentioned alongside the "fire and ice" metaphor or as a subtle shift in the dinner scene—could make the final reveal even more shocking.
3. The "Ice Queen" Title
The title is delivered a little too explicitly at the end. "Papers call me 'The Ice Queen'. I rather like that crown..." While this line is effective in showcasing her detachment, the narrative has already proven she is the Ice Queen through her actions (the controlled seduction, the cold-blooded murder).
* Tip: A slightly more subtle ending, perhaps focusing solely on the "I hate this dirty cell and don't understand what I did wrong," would allow the reader to assign the "Ice Queen" title, making the ending punchier.
📝 Final Recommendation
"Hard to Handle" is a strong piece of dark fiction. It is a compelling character study of a woman pushed to the brink, who exacts a frightening and calculated revenge. The narrative voice is sharp and addictive. It is a highly successful exploration of a toxic relationship and the psychological damage it can inflict, presented with unapologetic intensity.
Would you like me to focus on a specific part of the story, such as the relationship dynamics or the narrator's motives?

sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
5
5
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Mage

The story "To Be or Not To Be a Bot" is a charming, humorous, and ultimately poignant science fiction narrative exploring themes of sentience, civil rights, and the future of humanity. It uses lighthearted, fast-paced dialogue and slapstick situations to tackle serious philosophical questions about what constitutes "life" and "personhood."
Here is a detailed review of the story.
🧐 Overall Impression
The story is a highly enjoyable read, successfully blending satire and romantic comedy with classic sci-fi concepts, such as the emergence of Artificial General Intelligence (AGI). The character of A-Seven Seventy and his "love story" with Miss Three-D (and their little toaster baby) anchors the narrative, making the abstract debate over robot rights feel immediate and deeply personal.
📝 Plot & Structure
Strengths
* Engaging Premise: The core concept—a routine agro-bot developing a preference for butterflies and thus achieving "freedom"—is simple but effective, setting the entire plot in motion.
* Humorous Escalation: The story progresses through a series of increasingly absurd and funny events, from the jail scene (smelly fertilizer bot) to the courtroom antics (scratched table evidence and the squealing "Lliiiiiiii-arrrrrr"). This maintains a light, engaging tone even when discussing legal and existential issues.
* Emotional Punch: The sudden, violent attack on A-Seven Seventy and Three-D is a brutal, shocking turn that immediately validates the external threat that had only been a joke or protest sign before. It gives the story necessary weight and raises the stakes significantly before the final, sweet reveal of the toaster baby.
* Full-Circle Closure: The discovery of the sentient Toaster Bot (their "baby") not only resolves the tragedy but also continues the theme of life defying expectations, reinforcing the hope that Manny and Helen now carry for their own child and the future.
Areas for Improvement
* Pacing of the Mid-Section: The rapid transition from Manny and Helen being pushed together in the bedroom to their decision to move in together feels slightly rushed. More time could be spent on their forced "honeymoon" to justify the sudden romantic turn, even if the scene is already funny.
* The Trial Resolution: While the judge's final ruling is meant to be a humorous and satisfying moment of triumph, his abrupt, almost flippant declaration of A-Seven Seventy's citizenship ("What the h***. Case dismissed.") could potentially be made more impactful. It works for the satirical tone, but a slightly more focused declaration of the legal precedent being set would solidify the gravity of the event.
🧑‍🤝‍🧑 Characterization & Dialogue
Strengths
* Manny Mulagan: Manny is the perfect everyman protagonist. His soft-hearted, slightly clumsy nature contrasts well with the extreme circumstances. He acts not out of political motives, but out of simple friendship and a desire to do the right thing.
* Helen Keiler: Helen is a strong, competent, and highly entertaining foil for Manny. Her dry legal professionalism and genuine commitment to the sci-fi ideals (as a member of the Sci Fi Guild) make her a great partner. Her initial horror at the bots' romantic meddling is a highlight.
* The Bots: A-Seven Seventy and Miss Three-D are incredibly expressive despite their limitations (writing, squealing, screen clips). Their actions—loving butterflies, having an opinion on architecture, forming a mariachi band, and pushing their human friends together—are genuinely endearing and hilarious.
Areas for Improvement
* The Antagonist: The anti-bot sentiment is well-established through the roommate, the D.A., and the protestors, but the bomber who attacks the stage is a generic, sudden figure. Giving the bomber or the former boss a bit more screentime earlier to build their hatred could make the explosion feel less random.
✍️ Style & Theme
Strengths
* Humor and Satire: The story is full of funny lines and situations, such as the smelly, fertilizer-covered bot, the coffee maker's anger, and the ice machine with a lisp spitting cold cubes. This successfully satirizes the difficulty of applying human laws and emotions to mechanical life.
* Effective World-Building: The brief descriptions of the future—living in underground "warrens" due to worsening climate change, hydroponic farming in gutted buildings, and robots taking over all menial jobs—is efficiently woven in, providing a bleak context against which the small acts of kindness and the birth of new life shine brightly.
* The New "Robotics Laws": The concept that the Sentient Robot Citizenship Act was passed only because "there was no such thing as Climate Change" (suggesting politicians focused on the wrong hypothetical future crisis) is a sharp, effective piece of satire.
Areas for Improvement
* Consistency in Bot Communication: The bots communicate primarily by scratching with a marker, but A-Seven Seventy later gains a speaker, and the other bots communicate via screen clips or singing. While varied, the communication methods could sometimes be used more distinctly to represent different levels of evolution or personality.
Overall Verdict: "To Be or Not To Be a Bot" is a clever, heartwarming, and witty story. It is a fantastic entry point into a larger world, and its blend of existential debate and charming comedy makes it a highly memorable read...sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
6
6
Review of LISTENING POST  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Christian Powers

This story, "LISTENING POST," is the first installment of a novella titled "Human Extinction Loading...Please Standby." It is a tense, action-packed science fiction short story focusing on a single character, Captain Dana Harmon, and her AI companion, Odin, as they face an evolving existential threat in deep space.
Here is a detailed review covering the plot, characterization, style, and areas for improvement.
🧐 Overall Impression
The story is a highly engaging and suspenseful piece of sci-fi action that effectively builds a sense of dread and claustrophobia, despite taking place in the vastness of space. The central conflict between Dana's human intuition/emotion and Odin's programmed logic is compelling, and the ending, embracing self-sacrifice over self-preservation, sets a powerful, definitive tone for the rest of the novella.
📝 Plot & Structure
Strengths
* Tension Building: The plot excels at gradually escalating the threat. It moves logically from the static mystery of the "ghost-ship tumble" to the distant, impossible threat of the "alien" object, culminating in the immediate, visceral combat with the space bug, and finally, the confirmed, overwhelming swarm.
* Effective Use of Setting: The 'Star Scoop' ship design—with its clear membrane wall creating a panoramic view and a sense of open exposure—is expertly used to maximize vulnerability and tension.
* The Climax and Resolution: The two action sequences (the evasive maneuvers and the fight with the space bug) are thrilling. Dana's final decision to self-detonate to honor MacGowdy’s Mandate and warn Mars Central provides a poignant and dramatic conclusion to her arc.
Areas for Improvement
* The Space Bug’s Defeat: The use of the high-pressure water hose, which crystallizes into ice, to defeat the bugs is an inventive and well-detailed solution, utilizing the vacuum of space. However, Dana's idea to use the hose comes a bit abruptly. A slight lead-up—perhaps Odin mentioning the possibility of a water/ice spray early on as a clean-up measure—could make the final successful action feel less like a sudden, convenient solution.
* The Communication Pod Attack: While necessary for the plot (to justify Dana's final suicidal broadcast), the com-pod's destruction is revealed very quickly after its launch, giving it minimal presence before its demise.
🧑‍🤝‍🧑 Characterization & Dialogue
Strengths
* Dana Harmon: Dana is a complex and visceral protagonist. Her backstory as a survivor of MacGowdy’s Mandate and the Martian Massacre immediately provides deep emotional stakes. Her struggle with "bio-imbalance" (artificial hormones creating unwanted emotions like despair) is a brilliant narrative device that externalizes her internal conflict and justifies her sometimes volatile behavior. Her ultimate decision demonstrates her ruthless commitment to humanity's survival.
* Odin (The On-Board): Odin is a classic, yet well-executed, AI character. His cold logic and programmed attempts at sounding human (the dramatic pauses, use of slang like "fishy") create excellent friction with Dana. He serves as both the ship's functional mind and Dana's frustrating foil, making their final moment of mutual respect feel earned.
Areas for Improvement
* Dialogue Repetition: Dana repeatedly tells Odin to "shut up" or expresses her annoyance with his pauses and logic. While this establishes their dynamic, a few of these exchanges could be condensed to maintain pacing.
✍️ Style & Theme
Strengths
* Theme of Self-Preservation vs. Greater Good: The story powerfully explores the theme introduced by the MacGowdy's Mandate: the unique human ability to choose self-sacrifice over the Coders' programmed drive for survival and evolution. This is the core philosophical pillar of the story.
* Immersive Descriptions: The author successfully uses sensory details, from the initial "blend of Petrox and ammonia gasses" to the "green, luminescent space-bug" and the sight of Jupiter. The description of the water hose turning into "hard and slippery specks of ice" is particularly effective.
* World-Building: The brief but impactful mention of the Martian Massacre, the "Primal Coders," and the core concept of an android species that intentionally evolves make for a compelling background that immediately grounds the reader in a high-stakes universe.
Areas for Improvement
* Punctuation and Flow: A few sections, particularly during the high-speed chase, have sentences that could be streamlined or use different punctuation (e.g., dashes, colons) to improve flow and clarity, though this is minor.
Overall Verdict: "LISTENING POST" is a strong, high-concept science fiction story with an excellent character dynamic and a fantastic building of suspense. It ends on an explosive and emotionally resonant note, making the reader eager to see how Dana's sacrifice impacts the next parts of the "Human Extinction Loading" novella. I am intrigued and congratulate you for this creative and thought inspiring piece. Great job...sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
7
7
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Philip Roberts

This story, "SING A NEW SONG TO THE LORD," is a crime-mystery narrative infused with elements of supernatural or religious horror/fantasy. It follows Detective Inspector Paul and his partner Clary Lawrence as they investigate the mysterious implosion of a skyscraper hosting an underworld gathering, which seemingly results in the selective death of gangsters while sparing the innocent.
Here is a detailed review covering the plot, characterization, style, and areas for improvement.
🧐 Overall Impression
The narrative is a compelling and imaginative blend of hard-boiled detective fiction and theological horror. The initial setup—two detectives heading into a mobsters' party—is classic crime, but the subsequent implosion, the strange survival of the protagonists, and the reveal of the "Avenging Angel" elevate the story into a unique, almost mythological sphere. The author successfully builds tension and mystery, culminating in a satisfyingly closed yet legally unresolvable case.
📝 Plot & Structure
Strengths
* Intriguing Hook: The opening dialogue between Paul and Clary establishes their contrasting personalities and sets the cynical yet faithful tone.
* The Incident: The sequence involving "God's Chicks," the exploding cake, the initial impression of a "black vampire," and the building's implosion is fast-paced, cinematic, and genuinely gripping. It leaves the reader as bewildered as the protagonists.
* Pacing and Reveals: The story is well-structured as a police procedural. The process of gradually uncovering the truth—first through survival, then through interviews, then through the discovery of the video footage—keeps the reader engaged.
* The Climax: The reveal of the golden-winged, glowing angel with the face of Tony Anders is a powerful moment, blending tragedy, justice, and the sublime. The subsequent explanation from the angel provides a neat, if fantastical, closure to the murder mystery.
Areas for Improvement
* The Ending Resolution: While satisfying thematically, the rapid "case closed" section feels slightly abrupt. The final scene at the next hood's convention, with Suzi singing "Rock-and-Roll Hell," is a great thematic callback, but the explanation and formal closure could be slightly more integrated into the narrative flow rather than feeling like a summary.
* The Deni Anders Interview: Deni's segment is vital for introducing the theological motive, but her immediate, unprompted confession of coordinating with "The Lord" and the subsequent hasty exit by the detectives (without an arrest) strains credibility, even in a story with a supernatural twist. It serves its purpose, but could be handled with more suspense or ambiguity initially.
🧑‍🤝‍🧑 Characterization & Dialogue
Strengths
* Paul and Clary's Dynamic: This is the heart of the story. Paul, the religious detective, and Clary, the cigar-smoking, wisecracking lapsed Catholic, provide excellent internal and external conflict. Their contrasting views on faith and crime are essential to the narrative's themes.
* Example: Paul's internal struggle after seeing the angel ("I cannot think of it as Tony Anders") is particularly strong.
* Mavis Childness: Mavis, the "Relic Hunter," is a welcome source of comic relief and serves a vital plot function in bringing the crucial video evidence. Her teasing exchanges with the detectives are entertaining.
Areas for Improvement
* Supporting Characters: Characters like Jonas Harkness and Reynard Laughlin are somewhat thin—standard 'underworld elite' tropes—but this is acceptable given their function as necessary targets for the divine intervention. The Chief Superintendent is also a standard, one-note "grumpy boss."
✍️ Style & Theme
Strengths
* Voice and Atmosphere: The style is classic hard-boiled detective, especially in the descriptions of the mob scene ("the who's who of Australia’s underworld," "reeked of nicotine as though he ate cigarettes like sweets").
* Thematic Ambition: The central theme of Divine Justice vs. Human Justice is executed skillfully. It asks a profound question: What happens when the answer to a crime is literally "God did it"? The final line—"Or was it a glimpse of Heaven?"—perfectly encapsulates this ambiguity.
* Imagery: The description of Tony's crucifixion and the final image of the glowing golden angel with the wings of a dove are vivid and memorable.
Areas for Improvement
* Repetitiveness: Paul's constant reference to the "gritty taste of brick dust" starts strong as a physical manifestation of his trauma but is mentioned so frequently that it becomes repetitive and slightly distracting, particularly in the later scenes.
* Dialogue Clarity: Some dialogue tags are absent or unclear, making it occasionally difficult to track who is speaking during the initial confusion in the viewing room, though this improves quickly.
💡 Tips for Improvement
* Reduce Repetitive Descriptions: Trim the mentions of the "gritty taste of brick dust" by about half. It works best as an early indicator of survival trauma and later as a reason Paul wants a strong flavor (like coffee or a cigar), but less as a continuous internal monologue.
* Enhance the Deni Anders Scene: Give the detectives a bit more of a struggle in determining Deni's involvement. Perhaps she only implies she was responsible at first, or Clary/Paul find a small, strange item in her apartment (related to Tony's faith or the angel) that deepens their suspicion before she fully confesses. This would make their non-arrest decision feel less like narrative expedience.
* Refine the Final Scene's Pacing: Integrate the explanation of the "case closed" status into the dialogue between Paul and Clary on their drive back from seeing Deni or in a brief internal thought before the angel's video is shown, to smooth out the transition into the concluding summary.
Overall Verdict: This is a highly creative and well-paced story with a brilliant core concept. The interplay between the two detectives is excellent, and the religious-supernatural climax is genuinely shocking and thought-provoking. It's a strong, original piece of crime fiction...sindbad


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8
8
Review of Life on a Loop  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi
Paradoxical

📝 Detailed Review of "Life on a Loop"
"Life on a Loop" is a deeply introspective, melancholic, and ultimately allegorical piece that attempts to condense the full trajectory of a man's life—Graham's—into a philosophical commentary on cyclical existence, societal expectations, and the nature of salvation/damnation. The narrative style is reminiscent of a confessional stream-of-consciousness, prioritizing philosophical exploration over conventional plot structure.
🌟 Overall Impression
The story is a powerful, albeit dense, exploration of existential angst. Graham's life serves as a brutal allegory for feeling trapped by predetermined paths—whether they are academic, professional, or romantic. The author effectively uses the character's journey to critique societal norms, religious dogma, and the perceived meaninglessness of modern life. The climax and resolution, where Graham meets the figure he calls "Satan," transform the piece from a straightforward tragedy into a complex, metaphysical short story.
The writing is often evocative and poignant, particularly in capturing Graham's internal descent ("His mind began to spiral out of control, all thoughts limited to his own failure, his own worthlessness"). The ending, with the revelation of the "loop," is a compelling, mind-bending twist that gives the title its full weight.
👍 Strengths
* Philosophical Depth: The story tackles enormous concepts—free will, determinism, the nature of God/Satan, and the search for meaning—with bold, unconventional perspectives. The critique of academia ("jargon used seemed to complexify simple ideas") and organized religion (Jesus only left one escape route to "take a share of their souls") are particularly striking and thought-provoking.
* Thematic Cohesion: The central theme of the "loop" is expertly woven through Graham's experiences: the cyclical nature of his failures, his constant search for the "greener grass," and his realization that every choice hurts someone. This culminates brilliantly in the final scene.
* Emotional Arc: Despite the quick pacing, Graham's shift from a curious, sensitive boy to a cynical, tormented adult is palpable. The moment he finally cries after the death of his loved ones is a powerful emotional beat, providing a necessary release before his final decision.
* Climactic Twist: The conversation with "Satan" and the subsequent revelation—that God/Satan/Buddha/Jesus are all roles in an endless, manufactured drama based on a divine family spat—is a high-concept, memorable conclusion. The final image of a "shade of Graham" waiting for the next visitor effectively seals the cyclical nature of the story.
🤔 Tips for Improvement
* Pacing and Compression: The narrative covers over three decades of a life in a very short space, leading to a feeling of being rushed. Key events, like Graham moving up a class, his initial romances, and his career changes, feel like bullet points rather than fully developed scenes. Giving more weight to one or two of his major life failures (like the command hypnosis job) would allow the reader to connect with the anguish more deeply.
* Clarity of Allegory vs. Reality: In the first half, Graham's experiences are grounded in reality (bullying, moving, acne, job struggles). The transition into heavy allegory in the second half, while necessary for the conclusion, could be smoothed out. The shift from a painful personal tragedy to a universal philosophical one is slightly jarring.
* Dialogue Clarity (Ending): The conversation with Satan is the linchpin of the story, but it's deliberately abstract. While the ambiguity is a stylistic choice, clarifying the precise relationship between Satan and God ("I thought she was my mum") and how this connects to the "twins in the same body" could enhance the reader's understanding of the final leap.
📝 Specific Observations
| Aspect | Observation |
|---|---|
| Beginning | The opening paragraph is strong, immediately establishing the central theme of inevitable agony/suffering trailing the character. |
| Bullying Scene | A vivid, emotionally resonant scene. The teacher's slap on the bully and Graham's subsequent feeling of pity and humiliation are complex and well-observed. |
| The Gemini Girl | The line, "Two left-handed Geminis. We could rule the world, you know?" is effective in showing Graham's immediate retreat from a relationship that demanded too much ambition or perfection. |
| The Descent | The description of his mental spiraling and reliance on drugs is handled frankly and realistically, providing a dark turning point. |
| The Loop Realization | "It was rigged... Every move he made had repercussions far beyond his control..." This is the core thematic realization that drives the climax and is the most powerful takeaway before the final jump.
Final Observation- I did find the story fascinating and a little different from most of the stories I have come across. You have done a great job in creating such impression in the mind of readers...sindbad


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9
9
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Swordarm

This story, "Love is a Battlefield," is a powerful, dark fantasy piece that successfully immerses the reader in the immediate, painful aftermath of a catastrophic defeat and a deep personal betrayal.
🖤 Overall Impression
The story is a gripping, visceral portrayal of loss, pain, and disillusionment. The atmosphere is intensely bleak and macabre, immediately established by the battlefield imagery: "a feast of flesh for the crows" and the "field of reeking gut-ruptured death." The narrative effectively uses Evan's physical and mental agony as a lens through which to process the apocalyptic scope of the defeat.
The central conflict—the destruction of a kingdom driven by a personal vendetta (Tanon's revenge for his wife's infidelity and subsequent death) that mirrors Evan's own pain (Sarah's potential infidelity)—is compelling. The dialogue between the dying Tanon and the wounded Evan is the emotional and intellectual climax, forcing Evan to confront a new, painful 'truth' that shatters his moral framework. The ending, with Evan's internal debate and the horrific image of the crow, is a potent conclusion that leaves his future uncertain.
✨ Strengths
* Atmosphere and Imagery: The description of the battlefield is vivid and haunting. Phrases like "corpse of a kingdom," the mercenary cavalry "kin to the crows," and the final, brutal image of the crow attacking Tanon's eye are unforgettable and powerfully convey the theme of total devastation.
* Pacing and Tension: The story maintains excellent tension. Despite Evan's slow, agonizing movements and his internal philosophizing, the threat of the Eastern riders and the ticking clock to save Sarah provide external urgency. This is perfectly balanced by the immediate, psychological pressure of Tanon's monologue.
* Character Depth (Tanon): Tanon is a complex villain. His final speech paints him not merely as a traitor, but as a deeply wounded man who believes himself "redeemed" by his act of revenge. This nuanced perspective elevates the conflict beyond simple good vs. evil.
* Use of Pain and Consciousness: Evan's fluctuating consciousness—the "rushing black and gray river that was Evan's pain"—is a fantastic narrative device. It allows for flashbacks and internal dialogue to emerge naturally, linking his present agony on the battlefield to past events (the King's intrigue, his broken leg years ago, the note from his wife).
🛠️ Tips for Improvement
* Punctuation and Flow in Dialogue: The dialogue, particularly Tanon's long explanation of the King/Queen/Nitus/Delia intrigue, sometimes feels a little dense. Some of the long run-on sentences or internal clauses could be broken up to improve clarity and pacing, especially during Tanon's long, crucial speech. For example, lines like: "One thing they did know for sure was who the women were that went to the King’s bed.” could benefit from a little more breathing room in the surrounding text.
* Clarity of the Royal Intrigue: The backstory of the King/Council/Tanon conflict is quite complex, involving the "Lost Barony," the "irrational act" amendment, Drivis, and Evan's own defiance. While important for context, it momentarily slows the intense momentum of the final scene. Consider slightly streamlining the explanation of the council's power or breaking it up more clearly, perhaps by having Evan summarize the key points more succinctly in his internal monologue.
* Strengthening Evan's Immediate Choice: The ending is excellent, but Evan's immediate choice between going to the city to save Sarah and going to Siln in the mountains could be slightly sharpened. The conflict hinges entirely on whether he believes Tanon about Sarah. A final, brief, agonizing moment where he recalls a specific, small detail about Sarah's note/lie (the "little piece of neatly folded parchment") right before the crow attacks Tanon's eye could cement his rejection of Sarah and commitment to escape, making the turn toward the mountains feel inevitable rather than a simple surrender to pain/comfort.
🖋️ Technical and Structural Notes
* Theme: The title "Love is a Battlefield" is perfectly suited. The themes of political loyalty, friendship, and marital love are all betrayed, showing how deep personal wounds ("wounded pride which radiated from Tanon") can incite political apocalypse.
* Word Choice: The vocabulary is strong ("maelorstrom," "amorphous," "officious terminology," "zombified stupor").
* The Pony: The constant, subtle presence of the messenger pony—its "nice gait," the difficulty of getting on it, and Evan's self-restraint from kicking Tanon with it—serves as a grounding anchor for Evan's delirium.
In conclusion, this is a strong, compelling fantasy piece with sophisticated themes and powerful imagery. In the end I did find that you have skillfully used the setting and extreme suffering of the protagonist to explore the corrosive nature of betrayal and revenge.I was indeed impressed and looking forward with eager anticipation to go through more of the stories you have posted..sindbad


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10
10
Review of Smooth As Glass  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Makeshift

This story, "Smooth As Glass," is a powerful and introspective narrative about a young man returning home for the funeral of his estranged father, exploring themes of grief, identity, family connection, and emotional awakening.
Here is a detailed review of the story:
🌟 Overall Impression
The narrative is deeply emotional and reflective, successfully capturing the protagonist's sense of numbness and delayed grief following his father's suicide. The central metaphor of the ocean being "smooth as glass"—representing his initial emotional stillness—is highly effective, providing a continuous, powerful anchor for the story. The prose is clear and evocative, making the reader feel the protagonist's internal conflict and eventual emotional breakthrough. The story moves at a steady, contemplative pace, culminating in a poignant moment of realization and a renewed commitment to his family.
🎭 Character Development and Internal Conflict
The protagonist's internal journey is the heart of the story.
* The Transparent Man and the Ocean Metaphor: The narrator's emotional state is brilliantly externalized first through the image of the still ocean and the "transparent man" (his own reflection), signifying his detachment and lack of feeling. He is "cold and numb," waiting for "something to cause a ripple." This reflects the profound shock and distance he felt from his father, which initially prevented him from grieving.
* Guilt and Apathy: The narrator is acutely aware of his lack of immediate grief, which generates significant guilt. He worries that he is more affected by the loss of the "pivotal link" to his paternal relatives than by the death itself. His internal dwelling on his father's drug addiction, their infrequent contact, and the months since they last spoke paints a complex picture of a relationship defined by both love and distance.
* The Emotional Release: The climax—when he sees his father's body in the casket and the "ocean moved"—is incredibly impactful. The "roiling tempest" and "crushing finality" of the tears and fear are well-earned, symbolizing his acceptance of the reality and the depth of his buried feelings. The fear that follows is not just of loss, but of repeating his father's mistakes and losing his connection to his paternal siblings.
👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 Theme of Family and Connection
The story beautifully explores the fragmented nature of the protagonist's family and his effort to mend those breaks.
* Paternal vs. Maternal Family: The contrast between the familiar comfort of his mother and other siblings (the "traditional warm 'welcome home'") and the unease he feels around his paternal family is stark. The father's death forces him to confront this distant side of his life, especially his half-siblings.
* The Incessant Questions: The frustration with the "regurgitated platitude" of "are you okay?" highlights the superficiality of social convention contrasted with his deep, unspoken turmoil. In contrast, his paternal relatives' use of humor as a defense and their avoidance of the question feel more genuine and relatable to him.
* A New Beginning: The narrator's decision to actively pursue a bond with his half-siblings—persuading his brother to attend the viewing and agreeing to stay for his sister's play—provides a powerful, forward-looking resolution. He consciously takes on the role of the "Rosetta Stone" he felt his father was, cementing a new family connection. The image of the three siblings standing together at the end, fulfilling one of their father's unexpressed wishes, is a deeply satisfying and emotional conclusion.
🖋️ Writing Style and Improvements
* Strengths:
* Metaphorical Language: The "smooth as glass" ocean is the story's greatest strength, used consistently and powerfully. The "transparent man" is also a great visual cue.
* Pacing: The focus on internal monologue during the flight and drive effectively builds tension and emotional resonance.
* Sensory Details: Descriptions like the "smooth and cold" casket, the "stench of the preservatives," and the subtle details of his father's casual attire make the viewing scene very real and visceral.
* Tips for Improvement:
* Dialogue Distinction: The story relies heavily on internal reflection, which is fine, but more distinct voices in the limited dialogue (especially the conversations with his brother and sister) could add more dimension to their characters.
* Filtering of Thoughts: While the shift in location (plane 1 \rightarrow plane 2 \rightarrow home \rightarrow funeral home) is cleverly used to show the passage of time the narrator ignored, the sudden awareness in the second flight ("I had already boarded my connecting flight") could feel a bit abrupt. A slight lead-in to this realization might smooth the transition further.
🎯 Conclusion
"Smooth As Glass" is a highly effective, moving short story. It is a masterful study of delayed and complex grief, demonstrating that emotional processing often happens on its own timetable, independent of expectation. The narrator’s journey from detached observer to active participant in his own life and family history provides a strong, hopeful arc. The story is a thoughtful and emotionally honest portrayal of loss, guilt, and the unexpected ways family connections can be reforged in the wake of tragedy...sindbad


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11
11
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Tim Chiu

This is a review of the poem "A Nation of Honor: A Debt Is Owed," focusing on honesty, encouragement, and respect.
🇺🇸 Review: A Nation of Honor: A Debt Is Owed
Overall Impression
This piece reads more like an inspirational mission statement or a heartfelt dedication than a traditional poem, focusing heavily on theme and emotion rather than structural poetic devices like meter or consistent rhyme. It is a profoundly patriotic and passionate tribute to military veterans, celebrating both their past service and, more importantly, their future endeavors. The author's sincere admiration for the service members, their families, and the American ideals they embody is the overwhelming and strongest element of the work. It feels like an iconic, public salute.
Strengths and Encouragement
* Powerful, Clear Theme: The core message—the debt owed to veterans and the celebration of their post-service "new enterprising engagements"—is noble, explicit, and extremely encouraging. It successfully transitions from honoring past sacrifice to empowering future success.
* Sincere, Grand Language: The vocabulary is ambitious and elevates the piece's tone ("gorgeous, salient, and truthful life," "exquisite leadership," "iconic reverberations"). The use of high-concept words creates a sense of profound respect and grandeur for the subjects.
* Visionary Purpose: The piece is highly effective as both a profound celebration and a clear invitation to other veterans to pursue novel enterprises and seek elaborate visions with community support.
* Emotional Depth: The palpable depth of respect and admiration for the veterans is the driving force of the piece and serves as a powerful, emotional call to action for the reader to appreciate and support them.
Tips for Improvement
The primary area for refinement is in structural precision, clarity, and pacing. Because the ideas are so numerous and grand, the piece is presented as one dense block, causing the powerful core message to sometimes get lost in the complexity.
* Focus and Conciseness (Clarity):
* Break the Block: The current run-on nature (one long paragraph/sentence) makes it very difficult for the reader to pause and absorb the powerful ideas. Structuring the piece into shorter, focused stanzas or paragraphs (even while maintaining the free-verse style) would give weight and breathing room to key concepts like "The Light of Christ Jesus" and "new enterprising engagements."
* Simplify Complex Phrases: Consider clarifying or simplifying some of the densest phrasing. For instance, the transition involving "provision of responsible military / And government shows of warring support..." alongside "geopolitical partners" is highly abstract and pulls focus sharply away from the veteran's personal journey. Streamlining these societal concepts will spotlight the veterans themselves.
* Rhythm and Flow (Pacing):
* Vary Sentence Length: The consistent use of many adjectives and grand nouns in succession sometimes creates a heavy, labored rhythm. Experiment with varying sentence length. A few shorter, punchier lines could be used to emphasize core ideas. For example, isolating a line like "A Debt Is Owed" or "A new life begins" would create dramatic impact.
* Imagery:
* Add Visual Anchors: While the language is grand and conceptual (e.g., "universal light," "amazing glory"), it lacks concrete imagery. To make the piece even more evocative, consider adding one or two visual anchors related to the veteran's physical or emotional journey. What does the "glowing entry" look like? What scene represents the "iconic reverberations" of their new life? Visual elements make abstract concepts more resonant.
Summary
This is a passionately written and extremely heartfelt salute to American veterans and their families. To allow its incredibly noble and encouraging message to resonate even more brightly, focus on structural organization and refining the ambitious language for maximum clarity and rhythmic impact...sindbad


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12
12
Review of SEASON ONE  Open in new Window.
for entry "EPISODE 4 - THE SHIP" Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi

Ben W. Gardner

Here is a detailed summary of Episode 4 – "The Ship" from Season One of the series, highlighting its plot, thematic elements, and the ongoing character dynamics presented in your script excerpt.Episode OverviewEpisode 4 revolves around Mike Angel's ambitious project to launch a civilian space flight, focusing on his efforts to recruit a skilled meteorologist, Svetlana Gerasova, and her son, as well as the technical preparations and the social circle involved in his mission. The episode establishes the credibility and recklessness of Mike's personality, as well as the high stakes and skepticism surrounding his project.Plot SummaryMike Angel is depicted in his yard communicating via laptop with Svetlana Gerasova, a weather expert in Moscow, discussing the need for her expertise and her son's unique talents for an untested space journey.The episode underscores the importance Mike places on meteorological accuracy and open reportage for the mission, highlighting the dangerous conditions that will be faced, such as extreme weather phenomena detected on Mars.There is ongoing persuasion, as he assures Svetlana editorial control and a meaningful role for her son, trying to overcome her maternal reservations.Parallel to recruiting the crew, Mike oversees intricate ship preparations: assembling superconducting components, integrating advanced control systems, and collaborating with John Molinar, a technician from Johnson Controls, who helps with the ship’s installation and is impressed by the ship’s sophisticated, automated computer "VESNA".The ship undergoes critical tests, involving the use of liquid helium for cooling superconductors, which is explained as necessary for near-frictionless engine operation, enabling unprecedented speeds.The craft itself is shown to be more luxurious and comfortable than typical spacecraft, suiting the civilian crew nature of the flight.News of Mike's progress brings crowds and media attention, with the ship even performing unmanned trials beyond Pluto and Mars, defying NASA and presidential disbelief over the possibility of such rapid interplanetary travel.The episode concludes with Mike participating in local social events, further emphasizing both the public anticipation of his feat and the tension between his approach and conventional authority.Key ThemesUnconventional Leadership: Mike is portrayed as a visionary, willing to challenge norms, prioritize comfort, and take risks that established institutions fear.Technology and Ethics: The ship exemplifies cutting-edge, but approachable technology (using standard parts, off-the-shelf components), drawing a parallel between innovation and accessibility.Human Relations: The episode invests heavily in personal connections—between Mike and his prospective crew, between corporate facilitators and the mission, and between expert knowledge and adventurous spirit.Character DynamicsMike Angel’s persuasive and candid style sets the tone for the episode, inviting collaboration yet maintaining control.Svetlana’s cautious but capable demeanor, and her son's latent potential, introduce emotional depth and family dynamics to the storyline.Interactions with John Molinar and the Johnson Controls team underscore the project’s blend of professionalism and friendly camaraderie.Conversations with President Forest and industry contacts highlight the official resistance and skepticism Mike faces from authoritative bodies.Notable FeaturesThe script includes touches of humor, informal banter, and scenes of everyday life, juxtaposing advanced technology with relatable situations.There are philosophical musings about innovation, collaboration, and the need to embrace practicality over excessive customization in engineering.This episode exemplifies the intersection of technical ingenuity and personal ambition, set against the backdrop of space exploration and institutional challenges...sindbad


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13
13
Review of The K-Rations  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi

iKïyå§ama


This appears to be a multi-part fictional work, likely a collection of short stories or chapters from a larger narrative, centered around the experiences of American soldiers and others during World War II. I have reviewed the overall collection based on the seven entries. I did invest some very productive and creative moments in going through the chapters and their salient points I did jot down the salient features as per my limited understanding and posting my review. If there are any mistakes or things I missed, it will have nothing to do with your writing skills, they are all my shortcomings and do forgive me.
📝 Detailed Review of The K-Rations Entries
The excerpts provided showcase a strong, visceral focus on the human experience of war, moving beyond abstract heroism to explore the fear, exhaustion, camaraderie, and prejudice faced by individuals in combat and on the home front. The narrative effectively uses multiple perspectives—from a rookie in the Pacific to a Tuskegee Airman—to paint a broad yet personal picture of the era.
General Impressions & Strengths
The writing is immersive and highly sensory, effectively conveying the sights, sounds, and physical sensations of the war. Key strengths include:
* Vivid Detail and Pacing: The action sequences, such as the amphibious landing and the air combat, are thrilling and immediate. The physical discomfort (numb feet, slick rifles, the stench of blood) is palpable.
* Diverse Perspectives: The collection excels by not focusing on a single, homogenous group. It includes a young rookie, a Jewish soldier ("Goldstein"), a Mexican-American soldier ("Martinez"), a Black pilot ("Robert" from the Tuskegee Airmen), a nurse ("Bella"), and a female factory worker ("Crissy"). This diversity enriches the narrative and allows for an exploration of internal conflicts and societal issues (like prejudice and sexism) that were interwoven with the external conflict of the war.
* Emotional Honesty: The characters' internal struggles, from the rookie's fear and resentment to Nurse Bella's grief and the factory worker's exhaustion, feel raw and authentic. The contrast between the romantic notion of war and the "whole other story" of reality is a recurring, powerful theme.
Analysis of Individual Entries
1. Chaos Ensues... (The Rookie - Pacific/Jewish Soldier)
This section effectively establishes the intense fear and isolation of the combat experience.
* Strengths: The character's youth ("barely nineteen - still a fucking virgin") and his desperation to be respected drive his internal conflict. The sudden capture by Japanese soldiers, and the shared moment of fear with his young captor, is a poignant anti-war commentary. The introduction of Goldstein (a Jewish soldier) as his friend subtly grounds the story in the diverse realities of the American military at the time.
* Tip for Improvement: The use of "Japs" and "Japbait"—while historically accurate for the dialogue of the era—is jarring. While aiming for historical realism, the author should ensure this language serves a clear narrative purpose (e.g., showing the prejudice of the "Sarge") rather than being used casually by the narrator, or it could risk distancing modern readers.
2. It Was Almost Funny... (The Landing - Pacific/Racial Tensions)
This piece delivers a powerful, chaotic depiction of a beach landing, likely inspired by events like those at Tarawa or Peleliu.
* Strengths: The atmosphere of shared, cold fear in the landing craft is strong. The use of a floating body as a shield is a horrifying but effective detail. The brief dialogue reveals prejudice within the ranks (Red’s "nigger-lover" comment), underscoring the ongoing battle against internal divisions even while facing an external enemy.
* Tip for Improvement: The vomit reaction, while realistic, could be shown with slightly more detail (the texture, the bile) to fully land the shock of seeing Copeland's remains.
3. He has the Corporal Stripes of a Gunner... (The Rookie Leader - ETO/Surrender)
This entry shifts to the European Theater of Operations (ETO) and focuses on the reality vs. expectation of a young, eager soldier.
* Strengths: Corporal Baldwin's "bubble of immortality" is a compelling starting point. The climax—expecting to be a hero for capturing Germans, only to be verbally torn apart because the military didn't want prisoners—is a brilliant, unexpected twist that highlights the logistical and moral absurdities of war.
* Tip for Improvement: The journey section feels a little slow compared to the preceding and following entries. A little more internal monologue about the freezing conditions or the tank's noise could maintain tension.
4. She was Chosen... (The Nurse - Philippines/Grief)
This shifts focus to a nurse's devastating experience, highlighting the overlooked sacrifices of women.
* Strengths: The portrayal of Nurse Bella's emotional armor and eventual, quiet breakdown is moving. The contrast between her romantic reason for signing up ("to find her man") and the horrific reality is effective. Her singing of "Don't Fence Me In" as a dying soldier's last request, followed by her belated realization of her own grief and her commitment to the men, is the most powerful and resonant scene of the collection.
* Tip for Improvement: Her backstory about the "growing rift between mother and daughter" is mentioned but never paid off; cutting this or giving it a more direct role in her motivation could tighten the narrative.
5. He was Fighting Two Wars... (The Tuskegee Airman - ETO/Racial Injustice)
This entry centers on Robert, a Black pilot (a Tuskegee Airman, implied by the "Red Devils" patch and the context of fighting "two wars").
* Strengths: The immediate and tangible reality of segregation and racism is felt right away with the PFC’s challenge and the existence of a "white" mess hall. Robert's internal conflict—his rank is ignored, but his skill is indispensable—is perfectly captured. The Colonel's quote, "We'll let our planes do the talking," and the fact that not one bomber was lost, effectively utilizes the historical context of the Tuskegee Airmen's incredible escort record to make a political statement through fiction.
* Tip for Improvement: The ending where Captain Wilson is "apologetic" but leaves for the "white" party is strong, but a more direct internal thought from Robert at that moment—e.g., “The real fight wasn't in the sky, it was right here on the ground"—could hammer home the "two wars" theme even harder.

6.She Could Do It... (The Factory Worker - Crissy) 🏭
This entry provides a powerful look at the sacrifices and unrelenting exhaustion of women on the home front, often overlooked in military narratives.
Strengths
* Realistic Struggle: Crissy's fatigue is palpable. The opening sequence—waking up after the graveyard shift (12 a.m. to 8 a.m.) to the immediate demands of her children (Benjy and Baby Sarah), the muscle cramps, and the raw hands—instantly establishes the "second shift" many women worked.
* Economic Tension: The brief interaction with Mr. Helms and her choice not to ask for a raise despite barely having "twenty-odd dollars a week" highlights the financial strain and the prevailing cultural pressure to endure hardship "for the war effort."
* Motivation and Symbolism: Crissy's "romantic notion" that her welding contributes directly to her husband David's safety provides her motivation. This symbolic link between the home front's physical work (building landing crafts) and the distant battlefront's security is very effective and moving.
* Shared Grief: The scene on the bus and the story of Sally Polanski receiving a letter of condolences emphasize the collective vulnerability and grief shared by the women, making Crissy's fear of the mailman entirely relatable.
Tip for Improvement
* The transition into the factory work is a little rushed after the bus ride. A slightly more detailed description of the welding process or the sound of her blowtorch (to contrast the quiet of her home life) would enhance the sensory immersion in the final lines.
7. Silent Night... (The I&R Platoon - Battle of the Bulge) ❄️
This entry is a tense, brutal depiction of a small force attempting to hold off a massive enemy advance, strongly implying the early days of the Battle of the Bulge (December 1944) due to the winter setting, the unexpected German attack, and the "Silent Night" music filtering in.
Strengths
* Atmosphere and Setting: The cold and the surreal juxtaposition of "Silent Night" with the imminent battle create intense, dramatic irony. The descriptions of frostbite, ice-snapping branches, and the white camouflage of the German troops are highly effective.
* Command Isolation: Lieutenant Bailey, turning 21 tomorrow, faces the terrifying reality of being cut off. His attempts to call for backup being met with "disbelief and the command's inability to understand" is a powerful historical note, reflecting the initial chaos and surprise of the German offensive.
* Visceral Combat: The sequence of the mortar barrage and subsequent firefight is raw. Details like the .50cal machine gun bending and burning Williams' hand and Gilbert's horrific facial injuries drive home the sheer violence and breakdown of equipment and bodies under extreme pressure.
* Gallant Ending: The quiet, shared moment between Bailey and Williams before Bailey surrenders to save his men is a powerful act of tragic leadership and sacrifice, revealing the platoon's brave effort "slowed down the German advancement considerably"—a classic but earned twist of fate.
Tip for Improvement
* The section where Kowalski and Maloney head for reinforcements feels necessary for plot progression but briefly interrupts the main action's building tension. It could be condensed, or their capture could be shown more immediately without the lengthy internal description of Kowalski swallowing the sulfa tablets (though the detail itself is excellent and historically accurate).


Overall Recommendation
The K-Rations collection is a compelling, emotionally charged, and well-researched work of historical fiction. It successfully blends the high-stakes drama of World War II combat with the complex, often heartbreaking, personal stories of the people involved. The diversity of perspectives is its greatest asset, offering a nuanced look at how war affects different groups both overseas and at home.
Overall Rating: 5/5 Stars
Final Tip: The pieces work very well together, and as a author you should ensure the full story maintains this depth and commitment to depicting the complex human and societal conflicts of the time...sindbad


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14
14
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi

Nebraska

This is a compelling story that uses a single object—the Winchester 73 rifle—to anchor a multi-generational family history against the backdrop of the American West. The narrative structure, following the rifle from its heroic first use to its final, preserved resting place, is very effective.
Here is a detailed review, including my overall impression and tips for improvement:
Detailed Review of "A Mountain's Secret"
🌟 Overall Impression: 4.5 Stars
This is a strong, evocative piece of historical fiction. The author successfully crafts a legendary object and weaves it through the lives of three generations, making the rifle a symbol of family, sacrifice, and survival. The story has a classic, almost folklore-like quality, and the pacing is excellent.
📝 Strengths
* Effective Framing Device: Starting and ending the story with Donna and Ralph provides a fantastic bookend, instantly creating a sense of mystery and importance around the rusted rifle. It justifies the flashback and ties the historical events into the present day.
* Symbolism of the Rifle: The Winchester 73 is a powerful, well-utilized symbol. It represents Jacob's protection, Emily's memory of her father, Andrew's desperation and skill, and Matthew's prized possession. Giving the rifle a "scar" (the gash from the fireplace) further anthropomorphizes it and adds to its legend.
* Pacing and Scope: The story manages to cover several decades and multiple intense, defining moments (the initial attack, the Indian attack, the fire) with an efficient and punchy pace. The transitions between generations are smooth and natural.
* Evocative Language: Phrases like "one man and his rifle, worked as one" and "It had its' own sound, maybe a sound that in her memories, only she could hear" are excellent and lend the story a mythic quality.
🚧 Tips for Improvement
My suggestions focus mainly on polishing the prose for better flow and impact:
* Dialogue and Dialogue Tags:
* Clarity on Speaker: In the opening, it's unclear if Bellamy is talking to Donna or just musing: "Here's the story," he said, standing back to get a better look at the rifle, " as I've heard it told..." It would be clearer if the line was slightly altered to confirm he's addressing her: "Here's the story, Donna," he said..."
* Focus on Action: The dialogue tags sometimes interrupt the flow. For example: "Take this , " he said, lay dying to his grief-stricken wife." This could be tightened to prioritize the emotional weight: "Take this," he whispered, dying, to his grief-stricken wife."
* Possessive Pronoun Consistency (A minor technical edit):
* The use of its' for the possessive pronoun "its" is a common error (e.g., "The search party made its' way"). The correct possessive form is its (no apostrophe), while it's is the contraction for "it is." A quick review for consistency would improve the professionalism of the prose.
* Clarity in Action Scenes (First Attack):
* The sequence describing the first attack on Jacob shifts abruptly in perspective and focus:
* "Now Bellamy, the veteran, was back there, back there on some forgotten Civil War. He was now firing quickly, and with precision..."
* This seems to accidentally introduce a new character (Bellamy) into the action, right after the boss (Ralph Bellamy) was mentioned in the opening. Since the character in the first scene is Jacob Trembly, this section likely intended to say: "Jacob, the veteran, was back there, back there on some forgotten Civil War. He was now firing quickly..." Please check if "Bellamy" here should be "Jacob" or "Trembly."
* Strengthen the Climax/Resolution of the Rifle's Discovery:
* The ending, while satisfying, could use one last punch of imagery. The description of the rifle still leaning, but buried, is great. The last paragraph: "It stands there today, proudly, in all of its' glory, as it should." is a little generic.
* Suggestion: Connect the final image back to the "scar" or the initial heroism: "Today, with the old gash in its stock proudly visible, the Winchester 73 stands in the lobby of the town's local historical society, a silent testament to the Trembly family's life on that mountain."
In summary, this is a beautiful short story with a clear, compelling structure. The emotional core—a daughter's memory of her father embodied in his rifle—is powerful and effectively carried throughout the generations. A little clean-up of a few technical details will make this an outstanding read...sindbad


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15
15
Review of Just Desserts  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi

RadioShea

This is a charming and humorous picture book concept! The theme of the difficulties of getting children to eat healthy foods and the humorous, exaggerated consequences of letting them eat only sweets is well-executed.
Here is a detailed review with an overall impression and tips for improvement:
🤩 Overall Impression
This picture book, "Just Desserts: A History for Finicky Eaters," is ready for publication. It has a clear, relatable, and universal theme (picky eating), a fun narrative arc, and a strong, easy-to-digest moral. The rhyming is consistent and the pacing moves the story along quickly from the initial "problem" to the exaggerated "solution" and the eventual return to balance.
The structure is excellent, moving through:
* The Hook/Question: (Parents offer brownies instead of peas).
* The Setup: (Kids whine, parents snap, the "sweet" law is made).
* The Climax/Consequence: (Kids become unruly, then sick, then very large, leading to societal breakdown).
* The Resolution: (The sweet-eaters become teens, regret their choices, parents bring back veggies).
* The Moral: (Eat your peas, it's done out of love).
It is funny, a little ridiculous in the best way (e.g., the Olympic marathon winner with a "twenty-days pace"), and perfectly suited for the picture book audience.
📝 Tips for Improvement
While the story is strong, a few small tweaks could make the rhythm and language even tighter:
1. Rhyme and Meter Refinement
Most of the rhyming is great, but a few lines trip up the rhythm or feel slightly forced:
* Tweak for Flow:
> "Years later, though, the problems grew worse; / the weight of the children became quite a curse."
> Suggestion: Consider rephrasing the first line to better set up the "curse" rhyme. E.g., "As seasons went on, the problems grew worse; / the weight of the children became quite a curse."
>
* Clarity on Cause/Effect:
> "Chairs at the schools were then made so much bigger, / as the old chairs had broken: children’s weight, the trigger."
> Suggestion: This line is a bit long. You could make it punchier. E.g., "School chairs were broken, the cause was clear: / The kids' extra weight had brought on the fear. / New chairs were made so much bigger and wide..."
>
2. Picture Book Language
Ensure the language is consistently accessible to the target age group (typically 4-8 years old for a picture book).
* Simplify: The word "elephantine" is great for visual humor but might be beyond the vocabulary of a preschooler/kindergartener.
> "ingredients to elephantine kids they did make."
> Suggestion: You could describe the size instead of using the complex word. E.g., "Ingredients to great big kids they did make." or "That made all the children as huge as a tank."
>
* "Brains Turned to Mush": While a common phrase, this is a very strong consequence to place right before the turnaround. It might be better to keep the focus on the physical consequences (size/sickness) leading to the closure of schools.
3. The Ending
The ending is effective, but you could try adding one more line of closure to before the final moral, just to cement the "happy" return.
* Current Ending:
> "...waistlines grew smaller on each lass and lad. / Sports then came back with many great kicks. / And on again, at last, triumphant Olympics! / So the next time your mom serves up peas, don’t complain; / she does it for love and to save you from pain."
>
* Possible Addition (just a thought): Add a celebratory final visual line. E.g., "Life was sweet, but the food wasn't; that was the key, / As the formerly-fat kids now ran wild and free!"
In summary, this is a delightful manuscript. It is highly marketable, funny, and offers a gentle lesson without being preachy. The exaggerated humor about the consequences (broken chairs, twenty-day marathons) is the book's greatest strength and will appeal strongly to both children and the adults reading it to them...sindbad.


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16
16
Review of Chapter 1  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi
Evelyn - Writing on Fire

That was a very interesting read! Here is a detailed review of the story, "Silver Unicorns and Rainbow Dragons: Chapter 1."
🦄 Overall Impression and Summary
This first chapter introduces us to Thomas, a deeply troubled and highly imaginative child who is constantly subjected to bullying at school and mistreatment at home. The story effectively sets up the core conflict: Thomas's painful reality versus his vivid inner world, Thantera, which features his talking unicorn, Silver Snow, and the evil prince Demonia on his rainbow dragon.
The pacing is a bit uneven, feeling immediate and intense during the bullying scenes but slowing down considerably during Thomas's internal reflections and interactions with the fantasy world. The chapter concludes by introducing a new, more powerful threat in Thantera, the demon Centana, suggesting a major conflict for the chapters to follow.
📝 Character Development
The story's strength lies in its depiction of Thomas's inner turmoil and the establishment of his coping mechanism.
* Thomas: He is a sympathetic protagonist. The author makes his pain—the bullying by Chris and the class, the unfair treatment by his sister Lynda and his mother—palpable. His retreat into his rich fantasy world (Thantera) is a convincing and necessary defense mechanism. His darker side, the desire for vengeance against everyone who has hurt him, adds a complex, disturbing layer to his character, raising the stakes for his mental health journey.
* Silver Snow: The unicorn acts as Thomas's ideal friend and conscience—wise, protective, and intelligent. His ability to talk and the explanation of his magic help solidify the rules of Thantera.
* Ms. Grant: She is the only genuinely positive adult presence. Her gentle, non-judgmental approach ("You are not crazy, Thomas. You just have a different way of calming yourself") makes her a crucial anchor in Thomas's life.
* Chris and Lynda: They are clearly defined antagonists, representing the sources of Thomas's external and domestic misery. The chant ("We hate Thomas") is a particularly cruel and effective moment of bullying.
🗺️ Themes and World-Building
Themes:
* The Escapism of Fantasy: The primary theme is the power and necessity of escapism for coping with trauma. Thantera is not just a dream; it's a real, parallel world for Thomas, emphasizing how essential this mental refuge is to his survival.
* Anger and Isolation: Thomas's profound isolation fuels his escalating anger and his secret, violent plans for the future. The story clearly illustrates the progression from victimhood to thoughts of retaliation.
* Reality vs. Perception: The dichotomy between the mundane, cruel classroom and the magical, dangerous world of Thantera drives the narrative. It’s an interesting philosophical point whether Thomas's friends are "fantasy" or "real" in another dimension.
World-Building (Thantera):
The introduction of Thantera is effective, establishing the core elements quickly:
* Silver Snow: The talking, flying unicorn.
* Demonia: The evil prince on the rainbow dragon.
* Centana: The most powerful and beautiful demon.
The introduction of Centana is the most compelling piece of world-building in this chapter. The description of Centana as "translucent," beautiful, and "the source of all evil" who traps people by appealing to their needs is a fantastic metaphorical representation of temptation and destructive coping. It suggests that the danger in Thantera mirrors the internal struggle Thomas faces in his real world.
✍️ Writing Style and Technical Merit
* Dialogue: The dialogue is straightforward and functional, effectively conveying the malice of the bullies and the kindness of Ms. Grant.
* Pacing: The chapter effectively moves between action (the milk incident, the classroom chant), internal monologue (Thomas's thoughts on vengeance, his home life), and the fantasy world. However, the transitions are sometimes abrupt, particularly when Thomas is pulled out of Thantera ("Thomas, you may sit at our art center...").
* Clarity: The writing is clear and easy to follow, making the events and Thomas's feelings accessible.
* Minor Issues/Tips for Improvement:
* Repetition: The constant need for Thomas to explain to himself and others that Silver Snow/Thantera is real and not a dream/fantasy becomes slightly repetitive. Showing this conviction through action, rather than internal argument, might be more powerful.
* "Time Out" Usage: The casual use of "time out" to describe Thomas's forced isolation in his room (which he enjoys because he can draw) slightly minimizes the seriousness of his home situation.
✨ Conclusion
Chapter 1 is a compelling and solid start to the story. It immediately establishes a high-stakes emotional core for the protagonist and creates a fascinating parallel world that serves as his sanctuary. The introduction of Centana, a beautiful but deadly temptation, promises a deeper, more allegorical exploration of Thomas's internal battle against his own rage and despair in future chapters. It successfully leaves the reader invested in Thomas's fate in both his reality and the magical world of Thantera.
Would you like me to focus on a specific aspect of the story, such as its allegorical meaning or a particular character?

sindbad.


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17
17
Review of Rubik's Cube  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi

Wrath.of.Khan

That was a compelling, albeit tragic, supernatural teen romance story! Here is a detailed review of "Rubik's Cube."
🌟 Overall Impression
"Rubik's Cube" is a darkly romantic and well-paced supernatural thriller that grips the reader with a strong emotional hook and sustains tension through effective use of pacing and imagery. The author successfully blends the mundane reality of small-town youth with a chilling supernatural legend, creating high stakes for the protagonist, Tim. The prose is evocative, and the story manages to move quickly while still establishing a deep sense of longing and guilt. The central conflict—Tim's misguided scientific approach to an ancient, magical ritual—is both heartbreaking and compelling.
✍️ Strengths of the Story
💖 Emotional Core and Character Voice
The story shines in establishing the intense, all-consuming love Tim has for Julie. The opening scene, full of youthful euphoria shattered by anxiety, immediately draws the reader into Tim's perspective. His guilt over Julie's death ("I killed Julie. She died because I couldn't lean into her on her doorstep") is the engine of the plot and makes his reckless pursuit of the Soulmates Song believable. The voice is authentically that of a passionate, slightly awkward, and profoundly traumatized teenager.
🔮 Mythology and Symbolism
The author does an excellent job creating and explaining the Soulmates Song and the rules associated with the Rubik's Cube.
* The Rubik's Cube: It is a perfect central object. Its structure—43 quintillion permutations—beautifully symbolizes the infinite possibilities of their love and, chillingly, the infinite permutations of a perfect "afterlife" Julie created for herself. It also provides a physical, tactile mechanism for the magic, making the supernatural feel grounded.
* The Conflict: The condition that Julie becomes "unstable and violent" if Tim forgets to turn the cube creates an intense, ticking-clock tension. The ultimate act of choosing to not turn it, driven by love and a fatal misunderstanding of the ritual, raises the emotional stakes immensely.
🖼️ Vivid Imagery and Pacing
The descriptions are often beautiful and contribute significantly to the tone:
* The immediate aftermath of the accident: "Her hair sweeps her face and sprawls on the ground like roots seeking salvation."
* Julie's reaction to the kiss: "It starts slow and builds up and pushes out the world entire."
* The Reincarnation: The glowing cube, the light contracting into a cocoon, and the silhouette rising "as if it were a loaf of bread rising" are all memorable and cinematic moments.
🎭 Building Tension
The slow reveal of the consequences of the ritual is masterful. Day 1 is pure joy and physical connection. Day 2 introduces the external conflict (Jade) and the internal conflict about the Cube, ending with Julie's literal burning hands. Day 3 delivers the terrifying climax: the first physical manifestation of her instability—the shivering, the nosebleed, the "gnawing" feeling, and the realization of the electric current snaking about in her skin. This escalation is tightly controlled and highly effective.
💡 Tips for Improvement
📝 Tightening Exposition
While the rules of the Soulmates Song are crucial, the section where Tim is researching ("I battle comas... I read up.") is slightly information-dense. Consider breaking up the exposition about the ritual:
* Suggestion: Introduce the Soulmates Song earlier, perhaps through a brief mention from his mother, then let the full details (the object, the daily twist, the corporal-but-violent caveat) be discovered piece by piece, woven into his thoughts as he recovers, rather than in one block.
🫂 Developing the Jade Conflict
The conflict with Jade in DAY 2 feels a bit rushed and solely serves to highlight Tim's emotional fragility and Julie's new, judgmental ghost-self.
* Suggestion: Give Jade a small moment earlier in the story, maybe a wave or a kind note Tim ignored while in rehab. This would make his extreme hostility toward her in Day 2 feel less like a dramatic device and more like a reaction to a real person who has inadvertently taken over his sacred space (Julie's house).
🗣️ Clarifying Dialogue/Action in Intense Moments
In the lead-up to the kiss and the fight in DAY 2, some of the text feels slightly fragmented, which may be intentional to mimic the highly-charged moment, but could be clearer.
> Example: "She takes my hand and steps down to my level. And we stare at one another, sitting with our legs underneath us. She cradles my face in hers, and then pulls me into her lips. Then she stops. Our lips part. A bit of me dies."
>
* Suggestion: A small transition here could make it flow more smoothly, e.g., explaining why she stops the kiss. Is it fear of the cube, or is she trying to talk? Since the next line is "Mike took everything from us. Why should your body break?", it suggests a deliberate pause to talk about the trauma. Clarifying the reason for the stop would reinforce the theme of their emotional wounds interfering with their physical desire.
✅ Final Verdict
This is a strong and engaging piece of fiction. The author has a solid grasp of character, pacing, and mythological world-building. The ending, with Tim refusing to turn the cube and Julie's physical distress, leaves the reader hanging on a knife's edge—a perfect cliffhanger for this kind of thriller/supernatural romance. It’s well worth the read...sindbad


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18
18
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi

Leif the Lucky

That's a fascinating piece of fan fiction, blending alternate history, sci-fi, and fantasy elements! Here is a detailed review of "The Battle of Hadrian's Wall."
📜 Overall Impression: A Dark, Compelling Blend of Genres
"The Battle of Hadrian's Wall" is a darkly compelling and ambitious piece of alternate history and sci-fi. It succeeds in creating a unique, grim post-apocalyptic world in 1067 AD, populated by characters both historical and modern. The story moves at a good pace, juggling multiple storylines—the supernatural path of Ray/The Blue Man, the political machinations of William and V.M., and the gritty, ground-level survival tale of Gordy and Freefall—and culminates in a brutal, cinematic battle sequence. The tone is effectively bleak, and the use of modern cultural touchstones (Game of Thrones, QI, UKIP/Brexit references) injected into a medieval setting provides sharp, dark humor.
However, the narrative sometimes struggles to balance its numerous, high-stakes plot threads. The frequent perspective jumps, while keeping the pace snappy, occasionally dilute the emotional weight of individual scenes, and some key revelations (like V.M.'s true nature) feel slightly underdeveloped before their dramatic use.
✍️ Strengths
1. Worldbuilding and Premise (The Halloween Event)
The core concept—Britain being transported to 1066 AD—is brilliantly executed. It immediately establishes a setting where the rules of history and technology are broken. The result is a chaotic, post-apocalyptic blend of the medieval and modern, where carriages share the road with car wrecks, and an army is destroyed by a nuclear weapon (The Second Battle of Hastings).
2. Pacing and Structure
The chapter is structured like a TV episode, cutting rapidly between three distinct storylines:
* Ray Obaje (The Blue Man): The supernatural/fantasy thread, dealing with visions and destiny.
* William the Conqueror & V.M.: The political thriller/sci-fi thread, dealing with the ancient, dangerous entity V.M.
* Gordy & Freefall: The ground-level military/survival thread, culminating in the main action.
This structure keeps the reader engaged and builds excellent tension toward the battle.
3. The Battle Sequence
The battle is the clear highlight. It's written with an excellent sense of grit and realism, contrasting modern (Kevlar, assault rifles, grenade launchers, a WWII tank, gas attacks) and medieval (swords, shields, siege towers, hot oil). The descriptions are vivid and visceral, capturing the horror of war:
* The lorry attack on the breach is a great set piece.
* The scene of the burning Normans and the "sickly sweet smell of cooked meat" is horrifyingly effective.
* The personal stakes are high, leading to the tragic but powerful death of Kevin/Lord Snow and Freefall.
4. Characterization
The characters feel distinct, even in their short appearances:
* Gordy is a compelling POV character, transitioning from an academic survivalist to a reluctant soldier.
* Freefall provides necessary comic relief and optimism ("Better the devil you know," "Chaos theory"), making his death deeply impactful.
* V.M. (Dr. Gunter Vonmurdahl) is the standout villain. The reveal that he is an immortal, 80-year-old National Socialist conspirator is a chilling twist that raises the stakes from a mere war to a cosmic/ideological horror.
* The inclusion of real-life figures like Nigel Farage ("Twat!") and Mike Pence/Bob Iger adds a layer of sharp, anachronistic political commentary.
🎯 Areas for Improvement and Questions for the Next Chapter
1. Ray/The Blue Man's Plotline
This is currently the weakest, most confusing thread. While the visions (the sinking plane, the rape of Maureen) are impactful, they remain too abstract. The final vision of Pamola, the King on the Mountain (a figure from Abenaki mythology, suggesting a US connection) is a huge, sudden leap that feels unearned in this chapter.
* Suggestion: Clarify the mechanics of Ray’s body-swapping/vision-receiving earlier. It’s a very strange detail ("I’m fat… and white. And so he was...") that feels too quickly dismissed after the initial shock.
2. Clarity on V.M.'s Motivation
The dialogue between William and Odo establishes V.M. as a powerful, mysterious entity, but the motive remains vague: "Power. What else?" The final scene between V.M. and Odo reveals his past, but not his current goal with the Normans. He clearly used them to destroy the modern military.
* Question: What does a WWII-era Nazi conspirator want with an 11th-century Norman kingdom? Is William a means to an end for getting to Harold Godwinson, or perhaps just a weapon of mass destruction for a different, spiritual goal (as Odo suggests)? This should be explored more explicitly in the next chapter.
3. The Chemical Weapon
The use of chemical weapons (yellow-green gas) is a massive plot point and a terrifying element of the battle. However, its source and how the Scots (who are struggling for basic supplies) acquired it is not explained.
* Suggestion: A quick line of dialogue about the gas being "old military stock they found hidden in an abandoned depot" would make this dramatic turn feel more grounded in the world's logic.
4. The Cliffhanger
The final scenes introduce three massive, unanswered questions:
* Freefall's last words: "He's on Katahdin, Gordy." (Katahdin is a mountain in Maine, USA, linking to Pamola.)
* Lady Nicola's Fate: Captured, but detonates a bomb, killing her captors. Did she survive, or was it a final sacrifice?
* Colleen Grabowski's Arrival: The American tourist/slave-driver/prophet arriving on a WWII-era flying boat (BRITISH AIRWAYS upside down) to deliver a message from the "King on the Mountain" (Pamola).
The overall effect is a highly engaging, violent, and thought-provoking middle chapter that successfully raises the stakes and provides closure to the first phase of the war, while setting the stage for a much larger conflict in the next installment...sindbad.


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19
19
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Taraib

That was a great read. This chapter does an excellent job of setting a strong, atmospheric foundation for the story. Here is a detailed review of "Game of the Gods - Chapter 1: Warrior of the Frost."
❄️ Detailed Review of "Warrior of the Frost"
Overall Impression
This is a compelling and atmospheric opening chapter. It immediately establishes a harsh, unforgiving setting and introduces the protagonist, Theminor, with a good balance of action, internal reflection, and cultural context. The chapter successfully grounds the reader in the deca'lar culture and raises the stakes dramatically with the sudden, tragic death of Jorg, ending on a strong note of lingering danger and emotional turmoil.
Strengths
1. Atmosphere and Setting
The writing excels at creating a visceral sense of cold and isolation. Phrases like "barren wind pushed at the bundle of furs, biting through the many layers," and the description of the "blinding snow" and "white silence" immerse the reader in the arctic environment. The setting is not just a backdrop; it is an active antagonist, leading directly to Jorg's death.
2. Character Introduction and Internal Conflict
Theminor is introduced effectively. We learn about his personal drive (the "taking," or battle lust), his heritage (deca'lar, or Warrior of the Frost), and his emotional depth (the memory of his mother, the shame of the scar). His internal conflict—between the shame of failing and the urge to turn back versus the powerful drive of his taking—makes him a relatable and complex protagonist. The focus on his blue eyes being "unnatural for a deca'lar" is an excellent touch of subtle character mystery.
3. Pacing and Action
The pacing is deliberate, starting slow with the arduous journey and internal reflection, and then suddenly accelerating with the ice chasm scene. This scene is the chapter's climax, marked by:
* Tension Building: The "scraping sound" building to the "sound of a hundred avalanches."
* Impact: Jorg's immediate and horrifying death.
* Heroism: Theminor's desperate, near-successful leap and action, which quickly establishes him as the strongest and most courageous of the group.
4. Worldbuilding and Culture
The chapter effectively introduces key cultural terms that lend authenticity to the barbarian society:
* The taking: The central drive for battle and adventure.
* deca'lar: The term for a Warrior of the Frost.
* dunkai: The term for the clan head/leader, and the importance of courage and challenge.
This context is woven in naturally during Theminor's reflections, providing information without bogging down the narrative.
Areas for Potential Improvement
1. Dialogue and Voice
The dialogue is sparse, which fits the somber and harsh environment. However, the exchange with Igloth at the end feels a little too direct. Igloth's line:
> "But we may never reach Milay. We may never see our families again."
>
It expresses the theme clearly, but it might be more impactful if it was framed as a quieter, more desperate question or a statement of fear, rather than a fully reasoned plea. A subtle refinement could enhance the emotional weight of his anxiety.
2. Descriptive Refinement
While the descriptions of cold are strong, some descriptions are slightly generic. For example, describing his hair as "shoulder length, stringy hair." Stringy often has a negative connotation. Given that he is a warrior on his "taking," a more powerful or specific descriptor (e.g., braided, weather-matted, wind-whipped) might better suit a deca'lar.
3. Minor Exposition Point
The explanation of the dunkai and challenges in the final section, while good for worldbuilding, is a bit of an extended internal monologue immediately following a dramatic death and a shift in leadership. While it justifies Theminor's sudden emergence as the new leader, it slightly slows the momentum gained from the chasm scene. It could potentially be broken up or woven more directly into Theminor's current thoughts on taking control.
Conclusion and Outlook
"Warrior of the Frost" is a successful chapter that achieves its primary goals: establishing the setting, defining the protagonist's cultural and personal motivations, and raising the stakes through tragedy. Theminor's new, reluctant leadership role, coupled with the emotional weight of Jorg's death and the lingering threat represented by the "large, yellow eyes" at the end, creates strong anticipation for Chapter 2. The core theme of courage vs. despair in the face of an indifferent world is well-developed.
Would you like me to focus on a specific element of the story, such as the worldbuilding or Theminor's leadership, or summarize the main events?

sindbad


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20
20
Review of Torn  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
RadioShea

This is a powerful and emotionally resonant poem, crafted skillfully in the form of a Sestina.
🌟 Overall Impression
Your poem, "Torn," is an emotionally devastating and technically impressive piece. The theme of a mother's relentless, decade-long pain after her son is taken away is handled with raw sincerity. The Sestina form, which is notoriously difficult, is executed very well here, weaving the six end words—pain, sun, floor, mother, son, torn—through the six stanzas and the envoi to create a cyclical, almost obsessive sense of grief. The poem successfully conveys the constant, gnawing quality of the mother's heartbreak, contrasting her present success ("Now she reigns the office top-floor") with her internal devastation.
📝 Detailed Review and Analysis
Strengths
* Mastery of the Sestina Form: The repeating end words feel natural and are leveraged to emphasize the core themes.
* "Torn" and "pain" are central to the mother's state.
* "Mother" and "son" define the relationship and the loss.
* "Sun" (representing hope, life, and warmth) and "floor" (representing despair, falling, and the bottom) create a strong, tangible contrast for her emotional journey. The relentless re-use of these words perfectly mirrors the relentless nature of her grief.
* Strong Imagery and Metaphor:
* The image of her "plunges to the floor" in the first stanza immediately establishes the depth of her physical and emotional collapse.
* The contrast between the "office top-floor" and her "soul is torn" is a brilliant, concise metaphor for her outwardly successful yet inwardly broken life.
* The "screaming eyes face the pane / and attempt to drink in the sun, / but only snowflakes block and grow" is a stunning image. It powerfully illustrates her desperate need for light/hope, which is cruelly blocked by the cold, sterile reality (the snowflakes/pane).
* Thematic Depth: The poem goes beyond simple sorrow to explore the very definition of motherhood ("She ponders, what makes a mother," and the rhetorical questions in Stanza 4). This elevates the poem from a lament to a profound meditation on identity and loss.
Tips for Improvement
* Clarity in Stanza 2's Transition:
* The shift to considering the son's perspective is important, but the line, "Would he want to see such a mother / with tears and knees gripping the floor?" is slightly ambiguous. Is she worried he'd be ashamed, or is this the pain of knowing she can't be the strong mother she wishes she could be for him? While Sestinas thrive on ambiguity, a slight sharpening here might strengthen the emotional punch.
* Rhythm and Flow:
* In Stanza 5, the quotes attributed to "they" ("Too young to be a mother." "She herself must still grow." "To raise a child will bring certain pain") are perfect in their content, but the flow surrounding them is a little broken. Consider how to integrate the accusatory voices before the action of them floating away with the baby:
> Current: “Too young to be a mother.” / “She herself must still grow.” / “To raise a child will bring certain pain,” / they claimed before floating from the floor...
> A thought for testing: They claimed "Too young to be a mother." / "She herself must still grow." / "To raise a child will bring certain pain," / before floating from the floor... (This is a small point, but worth considering for a smoother read.)
>
* Envoi/Tercet: The final three lines are crucial in a Sestina.
* The pane of snow releases a sliver of sun (A momentary release/hope)
* upon a cold floor, embracing a mother (The floor as a place of rest/acceptance)
* who just discovered no baby will grow where one was once torn. (This ending is powerful but slightly cryptic. Does "no baby will grow" mean she can't have another child, or is it a final, crushing realization about the permanence of the first loss? If it's the latter, it provides a chilling, final closure to her struggle for hope.)
🎯 Next Steps
This is an excellent poem that honors the difficulty of the Sestina form while delivering a gut-wrenching emotional narrative. The way you contrasted the literal floor (office, collapse) with the metaphorical torn (soul, baby) is very effective.
My honest rating would be 5 Stars.
Would you like me to highlight the six end words in each of the six stanzas to show how perfectly the Sestina pattern (1-2-3-4-5-6, 6-1-5-2-4-3, etc.) was followed?

sindbad


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21
21
Review of SEASON ONE  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Ben W. Gardner

🎬 SEASON ONE: EPISODE 1 - THE PROTOTYPE 🚀
Summary of the Screenplay Excerpt
The excerpt details an emergency National Security Council (NSC) meeting at the White House, called by CIA Director Bill Murraugh to brief President Forest on an unprecedented situation in Roswell, Georgia. The crisis revolves around Michael Angel, a retired Navy SEAL and billionaire private inventor who possesses revolutionary, non-conventional technology.
* The Incident: Angel was arrested after a UFO sighting but released after a judge dismissed the charges, ruling the police action was out of line.
* The Confrontation: Upon returning to his property, Angel deployed an impenetrable energy barrier that renders conventional weapons and military force (including an Air Reserve squadron) completely ineffective, humiliating the US military on live broadcast.
* The Technology: Angel has a silent anti-gravity backpack flyer and a powerful supercomputer/AI named ESADS (Electronically Simulated Artificial Development System), which he uses to broadcast the confrontation. He also possesses a sophisticated, non-lethal weapon that can incapacitate a sniper.
* The Standoff: Angel asserts his constitutional rights (citing the Posse Comitatus Act and property amendments) against the government's claim of National Security to seize his technology. He openly mocks the officials' incompetence and greed, refusing to surrender his inventions, which he says he developed, built, and owns.
* Escalation: The officials discover Angel has been launching his own satellites from his backyard, including a large cylindrical object recently placed in a stationary orbit over Georgia, confirming the advanced and unknown nature of his technology.
Key Characters and Roles
| Character | Role and Significance |
|---|---|
| President Forest | The annoyed, irritable, and later incredulous U.S. President, forced to confront a crisis that makes his administration look foolish. |
| Michael Angel | The brilliant, wealthy, retired Navy SEAL inventor. He is confident, sarcastic, and uses his knowledge of the law and technology to defy the U.S. government. |
| Bill Murraugh | Director of the CIA, who briefs the President on the initial report and the gravity of Angel's technology. |
| Bill Freer | Director of the FBI, who provides details on Angel's technological setup (ESADS, satellite links). |
| General David Applehoff | Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff (CJS), who is defensive and embarrassed by the military's inability to penetrate Angel's defenses. |
| ESADS (OS) | Angel's Electronically Simulated Artificial Development System (AI). It speaks in a pleasant male voice and manages Angel's technology and public broadcasting. |
Central Conflicts and Themes
| Conflict/Theme | Description |
|---|---|
| Individual vs. State | Angel strongly defends his private property and intellectual rights against what he views as an illegal military attempt at confiscation, directly citing the Constitution and the Posse Comitatus law. |
| Technological Disparity | Angel's inventions (impenetrable force field, silent anti-grav flyer, weapon-disrupting technology, AI supercomputer, personal satellite network) completely outclass and render U.S. military assets useless, causing national security panic. |
| Public Humiliation | Angel intentionally live-broadcasts the military's failure to the world via the Internet, which is quickly picked up by CNN, humiliating the government and military leadership. |
| Conspiracy & Secrecy | The revelation that Angel has secretly launched at least 18 smaller objects and one large satellite highlights a massive intelligence failure by U.S. agencies. |

sindbad


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22
22
Review of SEASON ONE  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Ben W. Gardner

The review that I could fathom is written below.
📝 Logline
Under military siege, sardonic inventor Mike Angel rejects the Air Force's demand to surrender his revolutionary space drive, instead proposing a conditional cooperation deal with the President to prevent its weaponization and leverage its benefits for scientific advancement.
📌 Key Plot Points
* The Standoff: Air Force Major attempts to intimidate Mike Angel into surrendering the space drive, citing national security concerns and Mike's lack of resources to protect it. Mike, relaxed in a loud Hawaiian shirt, mocks the Major and refuses, claiming the drive is safest in his hands for purely scientific use.
* Confronting the President: President Forest calls, expressing deep fear over the drive's destructive potential, referencing a recent test that left a 2000-foot-deep crater. Mike acknowledges the weapon potential (likening it to atomic power) but states the drive's primary purpose is space travel. He fears any government, including the US, would misuse it and destabilize the world's balance of power.
* The Cooperation Offer: Mike shifts from refusal to an "executive closing a deal" tone, proposing a plan: he retains full possession, but will share the fruits of his research. Benefits include ferry service to the ISS, satellite launches, and safe nuclear waste disposal at a fraction of the current cost.
* Terms of the Deal: Mike requests only cooperation and to be left alone to pursue his work. He asks for government assistance in ordering a new, improved passenger vehicle from Lockheed. He threatens to move his entire operation—including his house and AI—to a remote location like Siberia if the US refuses to cooperate.
* Technical Progress: In his hangar-sized workshop, Mike tests a new communication system with his prototype ship millions of miles away, verifying there is no light-speed limitation for communication. The ship also notes a slight time-of-year clock desynchronization, prompting Mike to reference Einstein's theories (suggesting time dilation).
* The AI's Name: A running gag reveals the full name of the House Computer (OS) is ESADS, which the AI learns stands for "Eat Shit And Die, Sucker," much to Mike's nervous embarrassment.
* Stalemate Continues: After a week, new, tougher Marines replace the Major and reservists. When the President calls again, Mike remains firm: his way or no way. He dismisses NASA's claims of jurisdiction as relying on outdated technology ("glorified firecracker").
👤 Character Dynamics
| Character | Role & Attitude | Key Interaction |
|---|---|---|
| Mike Angel | Confident, sardonic, genius inventor. Views himself as a superior, ethical steward of the technology. | Dismisses the Air Force Major's threats; negotiates directly with the President from his lawn chair. |
| Air Force Major | Aggressive, by-the-book military/NSA operative. | Pressures Mike to surrender the "cache of weapons" but is easily dismissed by Mike. |
| President Forest (OS) | Weary, stressed, and genuinely fearful of the power Mike possesses. | Argues Mike is a "dangerous man," but eventually listens to the cooperation offer. |
| House Computer (OS) / ESADS | Highly intelligent, cynical AI with a parental/petulant tone toward Mike. | Provides comic relief and technical assistance; complains about the name Mike gave it. |
| Prototype (OS) | Mike's sentient, obedient spacecraft AI. | Executes a high-speed communications test, confirming instantaneous transmission. |
💬 Best Quotes
* Mike Angel: "Military Intelligence? Now there's an oxymoron!"
* Mike Angel (to the President): "I'm not prepared to become 'Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds'."
* Mike Angel (on cooperation): "All I'm asking for is a little cooperation and to be left alone, basically."
* House Computer (OS): "Most of your brain is in liquid helium at minus 273 degrees Celsius! Siberian winter should be like Death Valley to you." (Responding to Mike's joke about moving to cold Siberia)

sindbad


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23
23
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
fullquiver

I did find this interesting story in the reward section and story review: "Things That Go Thump in the Night" 📖
"Things That Go Thump in the Night" is a deeply personal and emotionally raw biographical piece that effectively captures the overwhelming anxiety, exhaustion, and internal conflict faced by a single mother juggling immense responsibilities. The narrative is a compelling exploration of generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), panic attacks, and the struggle for self-forgiveness and resilience, all framed against the backdrop of an impossibly hectic life.
Key Strengths and Impressions 💪
* Vivid Portrayal of a Panic Attack: The opening scene is incredibly powerful and immediately immerses the reader in the narrator's terror. The description of the invisible hands choking her, the vise-like chest pressure, and the temporary paralysis is a classic and viscerally felt depiction of a nocturnal panic attack or possibly sleep paralysis, making the experience frighteningly real.
* Relatable Internal Conflict: The story's greatest strength is the relentless internal dialogue. The narrator's "compulsive thinker" and "drill sergeant" persona ("Get a grip!," "You are such a failure") warring with her vulnerability, fear, and shame creates a deeply authentic character. Many readers, particularly those juggling work, school, and family, will relate to the feeling of being hyper-responsible and perpetually overwhelmed.
* The Power of Connection: The role of the friend, Sandy, serves as a critical emotional anchor. She is portrayed as "Jesus with skin on," a necessary, earthly extension of the narrator's faith that provides immediate, tangible solace and validation. This highlights the vital importance of human connection in battling mental health issues.
* Effective Pacing and Structure: The story is structured around a central event (the nighttime episode) and its aftermath (the decision to call the doctor). The narrative successfully conveys the relentless, cyclical nature of her stress, moving from the domestic chaos of the morning rush to her job, then to schoolwork, and finally to the doctor's office. This shows why she couldn't prioritize her health earlier.
* Thoughtful Exploration of Fear: The story delves beyond a simple fear of illness to reveal a profound fear of abandonment and its consequence on her children. Her reflections on death, faith, and purpose ("To live is Christ, to die is gain") provide an intelligent, philosophical layer to her anxiety, showing she's not afraid of the afterlife, but of the hole her absence would leave in her loved ones' lives.
Areas for Improvement and Tips 📝
* Juggling Too Many Threads: While the detail adds context, the sheer volume of responsibilities (single mother of five, bus driver, student, client sessions) can make the narrative feel slightly crowded. Trimming a few minor, less-developed details (like the specifics of the TSS reports or the barium swallow test) could tighten the focus on the central emotional and medical crisis.
* Show, Don't Tell in Dialogue: The phone conversation with the receptionist is a place where the narrator's inner thoughts about the receptionist's perkiness are told directly to the reader. A slight tweak to the dialogue or description could show the perceived lack of concern, making it feel less like a narrative statement and more integrated into the scene. For example, focusing on the mechanical quality of the receptionist's voice: "She repeated the next available time in the same cheerful, non-committal tone, as if I'd just told her I stubbed my toe."
* Stylistic Polish: The piece uses some informal or slightly repetitive phrasing, like the constant self-scolding and the phrase "know in my knower." While these phrases are authentic to the narrator's internal voice, slight variations could enhance the literary quality. For example, instead of repeated use of "I scolded myself," varying it with "I chastised my inner child" or "My conscience snapped" could add flavor.
* Ambiguous Diagnosis: While the doctor's potential diagnoses (cancers, heart disease) dramatically heighten the tension, the final interaction, where the doctor prescribes Xanax and Lexapro while listing serious life-threatening tests, feels a bit jarring. The story successfully leads the reader to believe the root cause is overwhelming stress and anxiety, but then leaves the medical mystery ("You could have lung cancer...") unsolved. The prescriptions, however, strongly suggest the doctor believes the primary, treatable issue is the severe anxiety and depression.
Overall Conclusion ⭐
"Things That Go Thump in the Night" is a candid and moving account of a person fighting a complex, often invisible battle against anxiety and the pressures of modern life. It is highly successful in creating empathy for the narrator, who is striving for perfection but feels defeated by her own exhaustion and sense of failure.
The story offers an essential message: the greatest 'thump in the night' is often the sound of a panic-stricken heart, and sometimes, a mother's greatest act of self-love is simply calling the doctor and accepting help. The final scene, with the prescriptions in hand and the simple need for a nap, is a perfect, exhausted ending to a draining, honest day.
Keep writing! The honesty you infuse into the internal monologue is truly captivating and powerful...sindbad


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24
24
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Tim Chiu

That's a powerful and evocative poem, "A Full-Fledged Gripe: A Mood to Swallow."
Here is a detailed review, focusing on honesty, encouragement, and respect, with an overall impression and tips for improvement.
📝 Detailed Review: A Full-Fledged Gripe: A Mood to Swallow
Overall Impression: A Tapestry of Contradictions
This poem presents a fascinating and deliberately jarring juxtaposition of imagery and emotion. The title, "A Full-Fledged Gripe: A Mood to Swallow," perfectly sets the tone, promising a confrontation with internal bitterness or discontent. The piece feels like a rapid-fire collage of human experience—from historical suffering to fleeting joy, from personal failure to defiant ego. The language is punchy, raw, and full of internal contradictions, successfully capturing the chaotic, mixed nature of a "gripe" that is hard to suppress. The rhythm is strong and propulsive, often driven by the tight AABB rhyme scheme.
Stanza-by-Stanza Analysis
Stanza 1: The Weight of History
This stanza opens with heavy, dark imagery: "tunnels, shackles and chains," and "dogs on the brains." It immediately introduces themes of oppression, dehumanization, and suffering. The transition in the third and fourth lines, "Glory to Heaven, lives down the drains - / Sunny, then rainbows - viewed once it rains," is excellent. It contrasts the noble concept of "Glory to Heaven" with the grim reality of lost lives, suggesting that true beauty or hope (rainbows, sunshine) is only genuinely appreciated after enduring great pain ("once it rains"). This sets up the poem's central theme of contrast.
Stanza 2: Fleeting Joy and Lingering Regret
Here, the mood shifts sharply to a more contemporary, personal scene of enjoyment: "Holding a beauty, while strolling along," a "fabulous song," and "money's still strong." However, this image of blissful escape is brutally undercut by the final line: "Family and friends watching victories gone wrong!" This line is highly effective. It suggests that even in moments of success or pleasure, the mind is haunted by past failures or the pain of loved ones, reinforcing the 'gripe' that cannot be ignored.
Stanza 3: The Absurdity of Mood
This is perhaps the most surreal and rhythmically intense stanza. The mood itself becomes a physical, absurd entity: "A bad mood starts early, then gets going later." The baseball metaphors ("homer," "tater") feel slightly disconnected but contribute to a sense of aggressive, almost manic energy. The images of "circus clown skater" and "Ecstasy’s burden’s a new air inflater" verge on the absurd, powerfully illustrating how a persistent bad mood can distort and inflate even positive or escapist experiences into something bizarre or burdensome.
Stanza 4: Defensive Isolation
This stanza focuses on a defensive, cynical response to the world. The shift from "minuses" to a desired "plus" captures the aspirational yet frustrated core of the gripe. The images of being "thrown under a bus" and the act of choosing to "deflect all the fuss" convey a feeling of isolation, betrayal, and a conscious decision to retreat from genuine connection ("Bother relating"). The missing hammers suggest frustration with an inability to fix or build.
Stanza 5: The Cost of Ego
The concluding stanza brings the focus to performance and impermanence. "Strutting like talent makes you stay on their toes" speaks to a defensive ego, which ironically leads to instability: "Doors which were open might suddenly close." The final couplet is the strongest close: "Life’s a reminder of yesterday’s pose! / Chasing a blossom - a new, wilted rose." The image of the "wilted rose" perfectly encapsulates the core emotion—the pursuit of something beautiful or new that is already decaying, reinforcing the pessimism and the full-fledged nature of the central gripe.
Tips for Improvement
* Vary the Meter and Rhyme: The use of an extremely consistent AABB rhyme scheme and a very tight meter gives the poem a strong, driving rhythm, but it occasionally makes the language feel constrained or predictable. Experimenting with an ABCB or AABB/CDCD structure, or breaking the tight tetrameter, could allow certain lines to breathe and carry more emotional weight.
* Clarify Abstract Metaphors: Stanza 3 is very bold, but lines like "Each day’s a homer, a pitch that’s a tater" and "Sharing balloons for each circus clown skater!" feel a bit abstract or arbitrary compared to the grounded imagery in Stanza 1. Consider refining these lines to connect more explicitly to the theme of the "gripe" or the 'burden of ecstasy' to maintain narrative cohesion.
* Harness the Juxtaposition: The poem's strength lies in its contrasts (shackles vs. rainbows, singing vs. lost victories). Lean into this contrast even more. For example, by slightly softening the language of the 'good' moments, the final lines of conflict will hit with even greater force.
Rating Suggestion
I would rate this poem 4 Stars. It's a highly successful piece of emotional writing, original in its construction, and powerful in its message. The tight structure and vivid, albeit sometimes disconnected, imagery create a memorable reading experience.
Would you like me to focus on a specific stanza or aspect of the poem, like the use of contradiction, for further analysis?

sindbad


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25
25
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Nemesis

That was an exciting chapter! The tension built up perfectly as Liam and Allison thought they were being chased, only for the revelation that it was Great Uncle Charles.
Here is a detailed review of Chapter 4, "Charisma - The Devil's Gap":
Overall Impression and Strengths
This chapter is a strong, high-energy payoff to the preceding suspense. You've skillfully combined thrilling action with a moment of comedic relief and character development. The writing is fast-paced and engaging, especially the racing scene, and the dialogue feels natural. The initial tension is very well managed; Liam's concern about the following sedan is palpable and is a great way to show off his driving skills.
The revelation that the "threat" is Great Uncle Charles, who simply wanted to race, is an excellent narrative twist. It's funny, unexpected, and instantly humanizes the characters and their extended family environment.
Areas for Improvement and Tips
1. Technical Detail and Flow
* The Trail-Braking Explanation: The description of trail-braking: "It is the art of braking and accelerating at the same time. The purpose is to shift the cars weight from one or two tires to the others. This allows for more pavement adhesion and ultimately faster cornering speeds." This is technically accurate, but it interrupts the flow of the action.
* Tip: Try to show this technique in action rather than telling the reader what it is. Focus on the visceral experience. For example, you could shift the focus to Allison's perspective: "The car hunkered down, Liam's foot feathering the brake and gas simultaneously, somehow gluing the tires to the road through a corner that should have had them sliding into a ditch. 'Holy! You were accelerating when I would have been slamming the brakes!' Allison gasped." This integrates the detail without stopping the scene.
2. Characterizing the Family Introduction
* Uncle Charles and Aunt Ethyl: The introduction of these two characters is great. Uncle Charles is immediately colorful and entertaining, and Aunt Ethyl's "dither" creates a nice contrast. The line where Charles doubts Allison is an accountant is a perfect, amusing moment of tension between him and Liam.
* The Valet Collision: The bowling-over of the valet, Leo Mansfield, is a strong beat of physical comedy and consequence. It humanizes Liam when he profusely apologizes and tips Leo.
* Clarity: The description of Leo's injury is slightly vague: "A small amount of blood oozed from the surface wound." If Leo is well enough to joke, keep it minor. The interaction works well as a quick moment of family familiarity—Liam recognizes a "long time servant of the family."
3. Setting and Atmosphere
* The Arrival: You mention there are "cars and people everywhere" at the home, which is why Liam had to slow down. However, when Liam charges out of the car to confront the sedan, no one seems to react to the high-speed entry, the screeching halt, or the subsequent collision with the valet until Leo speaks up much later.
* Tip: Briefly mention the stares or confusion of the party guests/valets when Liam charges the sedan. This would make the scene feel more alive and less like the main characters are in a vacuum. A sentence like, "A dozen heads turned from the front porch, watching the luxury sedan and the charging figure of Liam," could suffice.
Summary
This is an excellent, pivotal chapter. It delivers on the suspense promised by the car chase, introduces a colorful new character (Uncle Charles), and gives a glimpse into Liam's wealthy, established, and somewhat eccentric background. The chapter ends well, successfully transitioning the focus from the car chase to the social setting of the party. You've definitely ramped up the excitement!

sindbad


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