\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED ITEMS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sindbad
Review Requests: ON
2,237 Public Reviews Given
2,237 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I want an honest opinion
I'm good at...
I am sensitive to minor details.
Favorite Genres
Any
Least Favorite Genres
Horror and erotic
Favorite Item Types
Science fiction
Least Favorite Item Types
Erotic
I will not review...
Religious, or illogical.
Public Reviews
<   1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10  ...   >
1
1
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Tim Chiu

This is a very evocative and somewhat surreal poem! It blends everyday scenes with sudden, striking shifts in imagery and tone.
Here is a detailed review of "A Bright Smile: Exquisite Rewards," stanza by stanza.
Stanza 1: The Glow of Occasion
The poem opens with a traditional, joyful scene:
> Happily smiling - glowing occasion.
> Eating and drinking, friendly persuasion.
> Holiday laughter, youths so distinct -
> Stories told merrily, blithe tales linked.
>
This stanza sets a very warm, convivial tone. The imagery is clear—a festive gathering with food, drink, and conversation. The word choices are positive: "Happily smiling," "glowing occasion," "Holiday laughter," and "blithe tales." It establishes a sense of community and simple, shared happiness, centered on youth and celebration.
Stanza 2: Romance and Routine
The focus shifts to an embrace of life's routines and relationships:
> A love so inspired, sappy, intense -
> Young gents and ladies, futures immense.
> Going to work, and checking the deals;
> Further directions, dating and meals!
>
This stanza successfully merges the romantic and the mundane. The contrast between "love so inspired, sappy, intense" and the practicalities of "Going to work, and checking the deals" and "dating and meals" suggests a full, well-rounded life. The lines are optimistic, with "futures immense" hinting at great potential. The language is direct and captures the energetic, goal-oriented nature of young adulthood.
Stanza 3: Social and Political Undercurrents
The poem takes a sharp and slightly more abstract turn here:
> Signals quite general, plural with quality;
> Leaning toward liberal, respect for the novelty.
> Men turning upward, sights on disturbance.
> Purpose and passion, eying much innocence.
>
This stanza introduces social commentary and political tension. Words like "liberal," "novelty," and "disturbance" shift the focus from personal joy to societal dynamics. The lines about "Men turning upward, sights on disturbance" and "eying much innocence" feel foreboding. It suggests a movement (perhaps a protest or a challenge) driven by "Purpose and passion" that is concerned with protecting or observing something vulnerable (innocence). This shift breaks the earlier warmth and adds a layer of depth and unease.
Stanza 4: Rustic and Aggressive Play
This is perhaps the most abrupt shift in the poem, moving from social commentary to highly specific, almost anarchic action:
> Let’s play some ball, and fill up our senses.
> Build up security, and raise our defenses;
> Tip over cows and strap on our saddles -
> Girls slapping pom-pom’s, versatile paddles.
>
The images here are powerful and bizarre. The desire to "Build up security, and raise our defenses" quickly devolves into the surreal and aggressive act of "Tip over cows." This line, in particular, is an example of dark, rural humor or a sudden burst of reckless energy that completely upends the poem's initial civility. The ending lines introduce a confusing mix of cheering (pom-poms) and aggression ("versatile paddles"), blending team sports with a more primal, slightly disturbing energy. It reads like a chaotic release.
Stanza 5: Primal Instincts and Modern Anxiety
The theme of primal nature and survival is introduced alongside a modern, abstract warning:
Those who put family first above prey,
Venture toward feeding, hunting okay.
It’s not just who you know - it’s also what -
Go clear your ventricles - error kicks butt.

The first couplet deals with family, hierarchy, and the necessity of "hunting" or providing. It justifies a pragmatic, almost tribal focus on provision. The last two lines are completely different—a cryptic, jarring warning. "It’s not just who you know - it’s also what" sounds like a business or networking mantra, while the line about clearing your "ventricles" and "error kicks butt" is a highly original, unsettling command that sounds like a medical/technological glitch or a severe anxiety attack. It suggests a risk to the core of life (the heart) from an unseen "error."
Stanza 6: The Paradoxical Conclusion
The final stanza brings together the sacred, the brutal, and the intellectual:
Good people gather, all seek a prize!
Mention the paradise, praise, realize…
Gory and slaughtered - slender, kind beacons -
Healthy, deep thinkers, virile, like deacons.

The poem concludes with a stark juxtaposition of opposites. The search for "paradise" and goodness is immediately followed by the imagery of the "Gory and slaughtered." This highlights the brutal reality that often precedes or underlies the pursuit of the ideal. The final lines offer a series of contrasting yet harmonious descriptions: the spiritual/guiding nature of "kind beacons" and "deacons" is linked to both physical attributes (slender, virile) and intellectual ones (Healthy, deep thinkers). It's a concluding image of virtuous strength emerging from struggle.
Overall Assessment
Strengths
* Vivid Imagery and Energy: The poem is packed with striking, original, and memorable images ("Tip over cows," "clear your ventricles," "Gory and slaughtered - slender, kind beacons"). It moves with a restless, intense energy.
* Effective Juxtaposition: The poem's greatest strength is its ability to rapidly move between contrasting themes:
* Joyful Celebration \to Political Disturbance
* Sappy Love \to Anxiety/Error
* Simple Play \to Aggressive Primal Behavior
* Rhythm and Rhyme: The poem maintains a strong, consistent AABB end-rhyme scheme and a relatively consistent meter. This predictable, almost nursery-rhyme rhythm makes the sudden, darker images even more jarring and effective.
Areas for Reflection
* Cohesion: The rapid, seemingly random shifts in imagery and theme make the overall message highly ambiguous. While this can be a stylistic choice, the connections between the stanzas are obscure. Is the poem meant to be a critique of modern life, a celebration of raw energy, or a surreal dream sequence? The reader is left to wonder if all these elements belong to the same narrative.
* Clarity of Language: Some lines are grammatically or logically challenging:
* "Signals quite general, plural with quality" is quite abstract.
* "Girls slapping pom-pom’s, versatile paddles" is visually confusing and potentially aggressive.
* "A love so inspired, sappy, intense" is a little redundant with "inspired" and "intense" contrasting with "sappy."
Summary
"A Bright Smile: Exquisite Rewards" is a bold, energetic, and fragmented poem. It is far more than a simple rhyming exercise; it functions as a collage of American life, blending consumerism, idealism, social anxiety, and a touch of aggressive chaos. The consistency of its formal structure (rhyme and rhythm) brilliantly underscores the instability and paradox of its content. It rewards the reader who enjoys wrestling with complex, non-linear imagery...sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
2
2
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Tim Chiu

This is a poetic, devotional piece that celebrates Christian faith, focusing on themes of divine truth, worship, and the significance of Jesus's life, death, and resurrection.
Here is a detailed review of its narrative, imagery, and spiritual content:
Narrative Flow and Content
The piece doesn't tell a linear story but rather presents a series of interconnected spiritual declarations and images. The "narrative" is one of joyful affirmation of faith.
* Opening (Celestial and Devotional): It starts with the moon as a natural, cyclical symbol ("encircles the heavens," "distinct phases"), linking the cosmic order to human prayer ("heartfelt supplications"). This immediately sets a tone of awe and universal scale.
* The Believers and Action (Earthly): The focus shifts to the believers who are "capturing by the ebb of a fledgling tide." This image suggests the church is growing and moving forward despite challenges ("fledgling tide"), guided by "The Eternal Countenance." The central action is embracing and spreading "The Gospel of Jesus."
* Worship and Sacrifice (Focus on Jesus): The poem emphasizes worship ("auspicious worshippers look upward") and the deep meaning of Jesus's martyrdom ("Jesus's acceptance of martyrdom, / For every souls' lasting wonder"). This section highlights the atoning sacrifice as the core of the faith.
* Climax (Divine Glory): The final stanzas return to the divine essence—"The Supreme One's exceptional worth," the "sweet and powerful chord"—and concludes with a transcendent vision of perfection, grace, and light streaming down from above the planet, culminating in the "stunning light of Jesus's epic revival." This closes the piece with a focus on the power and glory of the Resurrection.
Imagery and Poetic Devices
The poem uses a blend of natural, emotional, and abstract spiritual imagery:
* Cosmic Imagery: The moon and heavens establish a sense of vastness and eternal order. The planet is described as "gorgeous," reinforcing the idea that the divine is working above a beautiful creation.
* Action and Movement: The image of the "ebb of a fledgling tide" is effective, subtly suggesting the believers are moving with a powerful, inescapable current (the will of God/Gospel) that is just beginning to gain full strength.
* Sensory Imagery: The most notable sensory image is the "sweet and powerful chord," which translates the Supreme One's worth into a universally beautiful, resonant sound, invoking a feeling of harmonious perfection.
* Light Imagery: The poem builds to a crescendo of light: "sacred beams," "glimmer of perfection and grace," and the climactic "stunning light of Jesus's epic revival." Light serves as the ultimate metaphor for truth, holiness, and the glory of the Resurrection.
Conclusion: Overall Impression
This piece is a sincere and deeply reverent devotional poem.
* Strengths: Its strong use of light imagery and its clear focus on the Resurrection ("epic revival") give it a powerful, uplifting conclusion. The flow from the natural world (moon, tide) to the specific acts of the believers and then to the transcendent glory of God is effective. It successfully captures the joyful aspect mentioned in the title.
* Tone: The tone is one of awe, reverence, and certainty. It is an affirmation of unwavering faith.
It functions less as a complex narrative and more as a meditation or hymn, offering a series of beautiful, uplifting images for the worshipper to contemplate...sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
3
3
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Vine2**Burstp* Celebrating the Letter S *Burstb**Vine1*
Hi
ChristineB
This is a fascinating and unsettling piece of micro-fiction. It's a short but powerful commentary on social control and the absurdity of enforced happiness. Here is a detailed review.
Plot and Concept
The poem's concept is its most striking feature: a world where not smiling is a punishable offense. This idea immediately creates a sense of unease and dystopia, disguised in the seemingly benign setting of a courtroom. The title, "A Fine Day to Smile," is an ironic play on words, as "fine" refers to both a pleasant day and a monetary penalty.
The plot unfolds quickly:
* A woman, Mrs. Newman, is being sentenced.
* The "crime" is revealed to be failing to smile in public.
* The judge imposes a $5,000 fine, grinning all the while.
* Mrs. Newman's forced smile and the judge's cold dialogue about the weather add to the tension.
* The final lines confirm the strange law and the oppressive atmosphere of the "cold little town."
Imagery and Symbolism
* The Smile: The central symbol of the poem. A smile, which is normally a sign of happiness, is twisted into an instrument of coercion. The judge's grin is menacing, and Mrs. Newman's "wide" smile with "muscles of her face really working" shows the strain and pain behind the facade.
* The Cold: The physical cold of Pocatello, Idaho, mirrors the emotional and social coldness of the town's law. The judge's admiration for "surviving in that cold" is a metaphor for the emotional endurance required to live under such a rigid, oppressive rule. Mrs. Newman shivering at the end links the physical and emotional coldness directly.
* The Courtroom: The courtroom, a place of justice, is portrayed as a tool of absurdity and oppression. The judge, meant to be a figure of authority and reason, seems to relish his power, making the situation even more chilling.
Strengths and Areas for Improvement
Strengths
* Powerful Irony: The core irony of a smile being a source of pain and a "fine" is incredibly effective. This is a brilliant central idea.
* Concise and Impactful: The poem tells a complete, unsettling story in just nine lines. Every word is chosen for maximum impact.
* Memorable Imagery: The image of Mrs. Newman's strained smile and the cold, grinning judge will stick with the reader.
* Social Commentary: It's a sharp and subtle critique of societies that demand conformity and superficial happiness, ignoring genuine human feeling. The poem suggests that forcing people to be happy only creates more suffering.
Areas for Improvement
* Clarity on Form: The form is a bit inconsistent. It starts with a more narrative, free-verse feel but attempts to rhyme in the middle ("down" and "town"). This isn't necessarily a weakness, as it's a creative choice, but a more consistent form could strengthen its poetic nature.
Overall Impression
This is an excellent example of how a simple, strange premise can be used to deliver a profound message. The poem is both a work of dark humor and a chilling piece of social commentary. It leaves the reader with a feeling of disquiet and a new perspective on something as simple as a smile. It's a fine piece of writing..sindbad
the
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.
Review Raid
*Vine2**Burstp**Burstb**Vine1*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
4
4
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
QueenNormaJean AKA Marilyn M.

This is a beautiful, concise, and emotionally resonant poem. Here is a detailed review.
Form and Structure
The poem is a cinquain, which is a five-line poetic form. It traditionally follows a specific structure:
* Line 1: One word (a noun) - "Smile"
* Line 2: Two words (adjectives) - "A large"
* Line 3: Three words (verbs, gerunds, or a phrase) - "smiley face in"
* Line 4: Four words (a phrase or full sentence) - "an orange sky"
* Line 5: One word (a noun that relates to the first line) - "your smile"
Your poem follows this structure closely, but with some creative liberties. You've adapted lines 2, 3, and 4 to function more like a descriptive phrase.
* Line 2: "A large" - This is two words, but it acts as an adjective phrase for the next line.
* Line 3: "smiley face in" - This is three words and continues the description.
* Line 4: "an orange sky," - This is three words, not four, so it doesn't strictly follow the form.
* Line 5: "your smile." - This is the last line and perfectly connects to the first.
A more traditional cinquain form might look like this:
* Smile
* Large, round
* Beaming, glowing, shining
* A beautiful sight to see
* Joy
However, your adaptation creates a unique and flowing image. It reads more like a single, continuous thought, which is a strength. The punctuation and line breaks are used effectively to control the rhythm and create a pause after "an orange sky," which allows the final, powerful lines to land with more impact.
Imagery and Emotion
The poem's imagery is its strongest feature. The central image is a "large smiley face in an orange sky." This creates a sense of wonder and vastness. The color "orange" adds warmth and a feeling of sunset or sunrise, moments of transition and beauty. This is a very creative way to personify a natural phenomenon, making the sky itself seem to smile.
The emotional core of the poem is the shift in the final lines. The poem moves from a grand, cosmic observation to a deeply personal and intimate plea: "I pray I see / your smile." This pivot makes the poem incredibly moving. It suggests that the speaker finds divine or cosmic beauty in a simple, human smile. The "one night in a million" could refer to a rare astronomical event, but more likely, it refers to the rarity and preciousness of seeing the person's smile.
The emotion conveyed is one of yearning, hope, and deep affection. The word "pray" elevates the simple act of wanting to see a smile into something sacred and significant.
Overall Impression
This poem is successful because it takes a strict form and uses it to tell a small, but powerful, emotional story. The contrast between the celestial image and the personal desire makes it memorable. It's a testament to how the small details of human connection can feel as large and magnificent as a cosmic event.
The creative bending of the form for lines 2-4 works in your favor, as it creates a cohesive image rather than a disjointed list of words. The final two lines are particularly strong, as they provide a beautiful and poignant resolution to the initial imagery...sindbad

*Vine2**Burstp* Celebrating the Letter S *Burstb**Vine1*
the
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.
Review Raid
*Vine2**Burstp**Burstb**Vine1*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
5
5
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
R☆

This is a very evocative and complex piece of writing. It's less of a traditional narrative and more of a philosophical, poetic meditation on the nature of God, man, and creation. Here is a detailed review of the text, broken down by its key elements.
Themes and Ideas
The central theme is the idea that humanity creates its own gods, not from divine inspiration but from its own flaws and limitations. The piece uses powerful metaphors to explore this:
* The Sculptor's Enigma: The title itself sets up a paradox. The enigma isn't just about the sculpture but about the sculptor himself—why would a flawed being create a god, and what does that god become?
* Creation from Flaw: The core idea is that God is a product of man's "incapability," "failure," and "lack of responsibility." This is a powerful and cynical take, suggesting that religion is a crutch, a form of self-deception, used to control others and to avoid facing difficult truths.
* The Vicious Cycle: The most striking part of the piece is the revelation that the god, once created, "became unforgivably like man." The sins of lust, greed, and sin are attributed to the god, suggesting that the divine is merely a reflection of human corruption. This turns the traditional relationship between man and God on its head; instead of man sinning against a perfect God, the god embodies the sins of his creator.
* The "Almighty Bystander": This phrase perfectly encapsulates the final, tragic state of the created god. He is all-powerful but chooses to be a passive observer of human suffering, or worse, to "relish in death." This God is a monster of man's own making.
Literary Devices and Style
The writing is highly metaphorical and uses a lyrical, almost biblical tone to great effect.
* Powerful Metaphors: The text is rich with metaphors, from the sculptor and his vessel to the gardener and his flower. These initial comparisons build a sense of a natural, benevolent creation before the text twists it into something darker. The most compelling metaphor is the "chains of religion" and the "unpainted portrait of God," which suggest that the divine is an unfulfilled or fraudulent concept.
* Rhythm and Repetition: The use of parallel phrases like "The God lusted like man," "The God gambled like man," and "The God, sinned like man" creates a powerful, rhythmic, and damning indictment. The final lines, "He becomes you, and me. And how stupid we look. Because it was us who created him," bring the message back to the reader, making it personal and accusatory.
* Sensory Language: Phrases like "filth had rotten his mind" and "drinking in the filthy flesh of worn hearts" are visceral and disturbing. They create a strong, negative image of the god and the human condition.
Strengths and Areas for Improvement
Strengths
* Originality: The concept of God being a flawed reflection of humanity is not new, but the way it's presented—as a direct consequence of a sculptor's failures—is very creative and unique.
* Emotional Impact: The piece leaves the reader feeling uneasy, contemplative, and perhaps a little self-aware. The final lines are a gut punch, forcing a moment of self-reflection.
* Philosophical Depth: It successfully tackles complex questions about faith, responsibility, and the human psyche in a short, poetic format.
Areas for Improvement
* Clarity: While the writing's poetic nature is a strength, it can be a bit obscure at times. The line "to make the candles weary of forever holding the flame to light the unpainted portrait of God" is beautifully phrased, but its exact meaning might be unclear to some readers. Does it mean that hope (the flame) is tired of trying to illuminate a God that doesn't exist? A little more clarity here could strengthen the piece without sacrificing its poetic quality.
* Refinement of Sentence Structure: Some sentences feel a little disjointed. For example, "Not from earth, but from his incapability to hold the power of life and death, his failure to tame nature and it's disciples." This sentence could be rephrased for better flow. Perhaps something like, "He sculpted not from earth, but from his own inability..." would read more smoothly.
Overall Impression
This is a powerful and artistically successful piece of writing. It is more of a prose poem than a story, designed to provoke thought rather than to tell a narrative. The ideas are complex and mature, and the language is rich and engaging. It succeeds in its goal of presenting a dark and challenging view of creation and belief. The "Sculptor's Enigma" is a fitting title for a text that leaves the reader with a profound question about who the true monster is: the god or his creator. Indeed a nice and elegant short story with lot of promise and open interpretation....sindbad



*Vine2**Burstp* Celebrating the Letter S *Burstb**Vine1*
the
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.
Review Raid
*Vine2**Burstp**Burstb**Vine1*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
6
6
Review of The Last Snow Day  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Vine2**Burstp* Celebrating the Letter S *Burstb**Vine1*
Hi
Roy

This is a well-structured story with a very compelling and dramatic plot twist. Here is a detailed review of the text, broken down by different elements.
Plot and Pacing
The story starts with a simple, relatable scene of a parent waking up their child for school. This establishes a normal, everyday routine and helps the reader connect with the characters. The sudden turn to a snow day creates a moment of joy for the main character, Erik, and sets up the initial conflict between him and his mom about chores. This is an effective way to build the world and the characters before the major event happens.
The pacing is excellent. The quick shift from a mundane snow day to a world-ending event is jarring and effective. It mirrors how real life can change in an instant. The radio announcement is a masterful way to introduce the major conflict—it’s abrupt and interrupts the previously established "normal" day. The subsequent television news confirming the asteroid adds to the sense of panic and urgency.
Character Development
* Erik: He is presented as a typical teenager—reluctant to get up, excited about a day off, and focused on video games. His initial reaction to the news is disbelief, which feels very authentic for someone his age. His attempt to reassure his mom and his realization that he "didn't want to play anymore" shows a subtle but significant shift. He is forced to confront a reality that is far bigger than his usual concerns.
* Erik's Mom: She is a classic, caring mother, balancing firmness with kindness. She tries to make chores more palatable for Erik by allowing him to listen to his music, which shows her willingness to compromise. Her shift from a proactive, in-charge parent to a pale and shaky one after the news is a powerful moment. It highlights the gravity of the situation and makes her feel more vulnerable and real. The line about wishing her husband were alive adds a layer of backstory and pathos, hinting at a past loss and her current sense of being overwhelmed.
Strengths and Areas for Improvement
Strengths
* Effective Contrast: The biggest strength is the contrast between the ordinary, almost boring start and the terrifying, world-ending climax. The "Last Snow Day" title becomes incredibly poignant and ironic.
* Dialogue: The dialogue feels natural and helps define the characters. The back-and-forth between Erik and his mom is realistic and shows their relationship.
* Tension Building: The story does an excellent job of building tension. The radio announcement is a great way to introduce the asteroid threat, and the subsequent television confirmations escalate the sense of dread.
* High Stakes: The stakes are immediately clear and incredibly high. The asteroid is so much larger than the one that killed the dinosaurs, which hammers home the catastrophic nature of the threat.
Areas for Improvement
* Show, Don't Just Tell: While the story is good, there are a few places where more descriptive language could enhance the experience. For example, instead of just saying Erik "noticed it had been snowing," you could describe the swirling white and the way the world looks muted outside.
* Emotional Depth: While the characters' reactions are believable, there's an opportunity to explore their emotions in more detail. For example, what does Erik feel when he realizes his game is pointless now? How does his mom's shaky voice sound to him? Diving into these internal thoughts would add more depth.
* The Ending: The story ends abruptly. While this is a common technique, it leaves the reader hanging. It’s effective in creating a feeling of helplessness, but a more impactful ending might show one final, small act of defiance or connection between Erik and his mom. For example, perhaps Erik reaches for his mom's hand, or she says something that shows her love for him in the face of the end.
Overall Impression
This is a powerful and thought-provoking piece of writing. The story's strength lies in its ability to take a familiar, cozy setting and completely upend it with a single, dramatic announcement. The shift in priorities—from chores and video games to the impending end of the world—is a very effective narrative device. The contrast between the small, everyday problems and the massive, existential threat is what makes this story so compelling...sindbad


the
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.
Review Raid
*Vine2**Burstp**Burstb**Vine1*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
7
7
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi

Tim Chiu

Here's a specific review of your poem, "A Holy Awakening: God’s Love," with suggestions for improvement as per best of my ability, in case there is any feedback that is off course it is my personal fault and nothing to do with your excellent poem.
General Feedback
Your poem has a strong central theme and an earnest, reverent tone. You use powerful, evocative words like "sapient," "mesmerizing," and "exquisite" to convey the holiness of the subject. The poem's structure, with its short, focused stanzas, gives each image and idea its own space, creating a deliberate, almost prayerful rhythm.
However, the poem could be even more impactful by focusing on the following areas:
* Clarity: Some phrases are a bit abstract, which can make the meaning less clear. While a certain level of abstraction is expected in poetry, grounding your ideas with more concrete imagery can make them more powerful.
* Flow: The poem moves between different ideas (the followers, the church, the crucifixion) but the transitions could be smoother.
* Word Choice: While you use some excellent words, others can sometimes feel a little strained or less natural, potentially hindering the emotional connection with the reader.
Specific Line-by-Line Suggestions
Here is a breakdown of specific lines and stanzas with suggestions for how to refine them.
Original:
The touching and sapient displays
Encountered by Jesus’s followers
Are seen as descriptive, sacred, and mesmerizing -

Suggestion: The word "sapient" (meaning "wise" or "judicious") is a little jarring here. What kind of displays are these? Perhaps the miracles or the teachings? It's a bit unclear. You could try something more direct.
* Alternative: "The miracles and teachings / of Jesus's followers / are sacred, touching, and mesmerizing."
Original:
Those prayerful gatherings proclaim
An awestruck piety for Our Lord, The Savior…

Suggestion: This stanza is strong, but you could make it more active. Instead of the gatherings proclaiming piety, let the people do the proclaiming.
* Alternative: "In prayerful gatherings, they proclaim / an awestruck piety for Our Lord, The Savior."
Original:
The Body of Grace and Worship
Glows in the stained glass confines
Of such faith-driven receptacles…

Suggestion: The phrase "faith-driven receptacles" feels a little clinical and technical. A "receptacle" is a container, which is technically what a church is, but it can sound impersonal. You could use a more common word.
* Alternative: "The Body of Grace and Worship / glows in the stained glass confines / of the faith-driven church." (Or temple, or sanctuary).
Original:
The Mighty Jesus’s Climb;

Suggestion: This is a powerful, short line. "The Climb" could refer to the ascent to Calvary. You could make this a bit more descriptive.
* Alternative: "The mighty climb of Jesus," or "The mighty Jesus's ascent."
Original:
The Supreme One’s
Exquisite Worth
And Stature -

Suggestion: This is a nice idea, but you could combine it into a single, more impactful thought.
* Alternative: "The Supreme One's exquisite worth and stature" (as a single line) or "The Supreme One's worth, so exquisite and grand."
Original:
Allowing His intense acceptance
Of obliging martyrdom
On The Holy Cross…

Suggestion: The word "obliging" means "willing to do a service or kindness." Here, it makes the martyrdom sound a little less dramatic than it was. He was willing, but it wasn't a simple act of "obliging."
* Alternative: "Accepting His painful martyrdom / upon the Holy Cross."
Original:
Exhibiting determined forgiveness
For the hubris
And reckless emblazonment
Of humankind’s sins…

Suggestion: "Emblazonment" means "to decorate or portray in a vivid way." This is a very creative word choice, but it can be confusing in this context. It's not clear how sins are being "emblazoned." You might consider a more direct word.
* Alternative: "Exhibiting determined forgiveness / for the hubris / and reckless weight / of humankind’s sins." Or even "for the darkness of humankind's sins."
Original:
The lunar and solar light of hope -
Of Jesus’s wondrous payment
To God’s children.

Suggestion: This is a beautiful image, but the connection between the lunar/solar light and the payment is a little unclear.
* Alternative: "The lunar and solar light of hope—/ Jesus’s wondrous payment / shining on God’s children."
Final Thoughts
Your poem has a lot of heart and a strong foundation. The key to making it even better is to refine your word choices, making sure each word is both evocative and precise. Try to choose words that not only sound beautiful but also carry a clear, concrete meaning that connects directly to the image you're trying to create.
I think the poem's strength lies in its spiritual conviction. By polishing the language, you can make that conviction shine through even more brightly for your readers. As a final take I can appreciate the nuances and deep rooted conviction so easily expressed in so few a word..sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
8
8
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi

Tim Chiu

Like your other interesting and popular poems, this poem as well meets the mark and leave a considerable impact. This poem, "Passionate Desires - True Love’s Aim," uses a mix of powerful imagery and shifting focus to explore themes of love, desire, and life's journey. The piece is divided into distinct sections, each with its own tone and metaphorical landscape.
The First Stanza: The Union of Lovers
The opening stanza is the most intimate and romantic part of the poem. It's filled with vivid, almost fantastical, metaphors for a physical and emotional union.
* "Her fountain of youth, / An aqueous display" and "A fortunate, scaling dome" use watery and architectural imagery to describe the female form, suggesting something both life-giving and magnificent.
* The lines "The bow and stern equating / To their majesty" and "Bodies bare joined in ecstasy" liken the couple to a grand ship, perhaps a vessel on a journey. The image of the "bow and stern" suggests balance and wholeness, with their two individual parts coming together to create something majestic.
* The phrase "Furthering the union / Of beauteous cherries" uses a classic, yet fresh, metaphor for lips or breasts, highlighting the visual and sensory aspects of their connection.
* The stanza culminates in a sense of transcendence. The lovers are "Floating like a cloud / Above the shapely planet," detaching from the earthly world and existing in a state of pure bliss. This is contrasted with their "Falling from their escalating perch - / From the evening’s / Sepulchral heavens," suggesting a return to reality after this intense, almost sacred, experience. The word "sepulchral" is a striking and complex choice. While it means tomb-like or solemn, it could also imply that this moment of passion is so profound it's almost a death and rebirth, a finality and a new beginning.
The Second and Third Sections: The Journey and The Shift
The poem abruptly shifts from the private, celestial world of the lovers to a more public, terrestrial setting. The dashes and single lines—"A city in the headlights - / Exquisite taillights -"—create a sense of motion and transition. This isn't just a physical journey, but a thematic one as well. The couple is now moving through the world, not just existing in their private bubble.
The images of "Crossing the mountains, bridges, / And long-snapshots / Of cow-punching pastures" paint a picture of a road trip or a long drive. These are classic images of the American landscape, which grounds the poem in a sense of place and adventure. The journey seems vast and open-ended.
The Final Stanza: The Gridiron Metaphor
The poem makes another sharp turn, this time into the world of sports, specifically American football. This section is full of kinetic energy and competition.
* The lines "A cougar and a cheetah / Of smoldering embers" could be a continuation of the couple's story, now seen as fierce and powerful predators, their passion still a "smoldering" fire.
* The rest of the stanza, however, is a direct and detailed depiction of a football game: "helmets greased with grime," "balanced cleats triumphant," "glittering pom-pom’s," "streaking rushes of seven or eight painted lines." The language is aggressive and action-oriented.
* This transition from the intimate passion of the first stanza to the public, competitive intensity of the football field is the most intriguing part of the poem. It suggests that the drive and passion of love are not limited to a private relationship; they can also be found in other aspects of life, like work, sports, or competition. The football game becomes a metaphor for any great effort or pursuit.
* The final lines—"Delivering the prodigal embodiment / Of delicious / And dedicated honors!"—elevate the game to something almost religious or mythical. "Prodigal" can mean wasteful, but in this context, it feels more like an overflow or abundance of "dedicated honors." It suggests that the effort and passion poured into the game (and perhaps into life and love) yield a rich, satisfying reward.
Overall Assessment
"Passionate Desires - True Love’s Aim" is a compelling and ambitious poem. Its strength lies in its surprising shifts in imagery and its use of powerful, evocative language. The abrupt transitions between the private world of lovers, the public world of a journey, and the competitive world of sports tie together to form a larger idea: that the same deep, dedicated passion that fuels love can also fuel our pursuits in life. The title, "True Love's Aim," suggests that the goal of love is not just a personal bond, but a force that propels us to achieve "delicious and dedicated honors" in all our endeavors...sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
9
9
Review of Romance of Lilacs  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi

Amethyst Angel h✟k

This is indeed a great take on Jane Austin Contest. This submission, "Romance of Lilacs," is a compelling and well-crafted entry for a Jane Austen-inspired writing contest. It successfully captures the tone, themes, and stylistic conventions of the era while presenting a narrative that feels both familiar and fresh.
Overall Impression
The story is a wonderful homage to Jane Austen's work. The use of an epistolary format, a common feature in many of Austen's novels, is a clever and effective choice. It allows for an intimate exploration of the main character, Emma's, thoughts and feelings. The character of Susan acts as a wise and patient confidante, a role reminiscent of a supportive older sister or mentor, and her letters provide guidance and move the plot forward. The pacing is natural, mirroring the slow, deliberate progression of a courtship in the 19th century.
Strengths
1. Authentic Voice and Tone: The language and sentence structure feel genuinely of the period. Phrases like "I'm overjoyed to read your message," "he inclined his head politely," and "my hand shakes with joy" are excellent examples. The narrative avoids anachronisms and maintains a consistent, believable voice for both Emma and Susan. This commitment to the historical context is a major strength.
2. Character Development: Emma's journey from a hesitant, introverted young woman to a confident, happily engaged lady is believable and well-documented through her letters. Her initial dread of society, her keen observations of others, and her gradual enchantment with Daniel are all clearly shown. Daniel is not just a one-dimensional love interest; his character is subtly built through Emma's observations of his "impatient" nature with peers and his respectful demeanor with elders. This makes their connection feel deeper than a simple crush.
3. Thematic Richness: The story expertly weaves in key Austen themes: the tension between societal expectations and personal desires, the importance of character over superficial qualities, and the search for a true intellectual and emotional connection in a marriage. The contrast between Emma's aversion to "brash" young men and her appreciation for Daniel's "introspective tendencies" and "gentle spirit" is a classic Austen trope that is handled with grace.
4. Effective Use of Setting and Symbolism: The recurring motif of lilacs and the serene setting of Willowbrook provide a strong, evocative backdrop. The lilacs, blooming in May at the start of the courtship and at the time of the engagement, serve as a lovely symbol of new beginnings, romance, and growth. This attention to detail enriches the narrative.
Areas for Consideration
1. Character of Susan: While Susan is an effective narrative device, she occasionally comes across as a little too perfect. Her advice is always sound, and she never appears to have her own worries or concerns. Giving her a brief, small-scale personal struggle or a slightly more flawed piece of advice could add a bit more complexity to her character and make the letters feel more like a two-way street.
2. External Conflict: The story is very focused on Emma's internal world. This is a deliberate choice and it works well, but the narrative is very smooth. There is little in the way of external conflict or obstacles. The courtship progresses with no major misunderstandings, rivals, or parental disagreements. This is acceptable for a short piece, but adding a minor hurdle—perhaps a misunderstanding with Daniel or a moment of doubt from her parents—could raise the stakes and make Emma and Daniel's connection feel even more earned.
3. "Show, Don't Tell": The letter format is inherently "telling" rather than "showing," which is appropriate for the genre. However, a few of Susan's letters lean a bit too heavily on direct instruction rather than implied advice. For example, Susan's letter of May 22nd gives a list of things to "examine," such as Daniel's treatment of children and animals. While this is wise counsel, it's a bit more direct than the subtle cues Austen's characters often rely on. It might feel more authentic if Susan hinted at these things instead of listing them as a checklist.
Conclusion
"Romance of Lilacs" is a successful piece of historical fiction that pays a heartfelt and clever tribute to Jane Austen. It is well-written, thematically rich, and an enjoyable read. The narrative's strength lies in its authentic voice, meticulous attention to detail, and a sweet, rewarding romantic arc. The noted areas for consideration are minor suggestions that could elevate an already strong submission to the next level. The story effectively captures the essence of a blossoming relationship in a different time and place. Overall the way you presented the letter and the twist and nuances does leave a deep impression in the mind of readers who have fetish for that era, some say the list era. It is a very strong contender for the "Jane Austen Writing Contest."....sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
10
10
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi

Tim Chiu

The poem "Thinking of Oneself: A Rote Fanaticism" seems to be a fragmented and somewhat surreal exploration of several themes: individuality, chaos, political polarization, and faith. It uses disjointed imagery and shifting perspectives to create a sense of unease and a critique of various social and political states.
Analysis of Themes
1. The Individual and Societal Chaos:
The first stanza presents a sense of isolation and internal world-building. Phrases like "personable contact" and "play the sax" suggest a personal, artistic, or introspective space. This is then contrasted with external chaos. The lines about "Chet becomes Margaret" and "the triumph of sauce" are abstract, but they evoke a sense of things being distorted or overwhelming, turning something specific (a person, a flavor) into something general and thick, perhaps representing the confusing nature of the world.
2. Faith and Hypocrisy:
The second stanza brings in religious and political themes. "Theocracy’s a sandwich" is a cynical metaphor, implying that faith is a pre-packaged, possibly bland or generic, ideology. The mention of "Christ coming standard" suggests a commodification of religion. This stanza juxtaposes the idea of a caring "Man Upstairs" with a desire for "winning," hinting at a tension between genuine faith and a more competitive, self-serving religious fervor. The final lines, "Rate others great, always" and "The Savior’s Home stays," could be read as a sarcastic commentary on a kind of performative kindness that coexists with a rigid, exclusionary sense of righteousness.
3. Political Polarization and Tribalism:
The third stanza shifts focus to political and cultural division. The poem dismisses political leaders like "Trump to Obama" as part of a "failed sense of drama," suggesting a deep disillusionment with mainstream politics. This leads into a critique of what the poem sees as tribalism and hatred, where "Worshippers condemn / Everyone but them." The poem then connects this to a sense of cultural decay, where "West’s Culture burns." This is a strong statement on the perceived decline caused by political infighting.
4. Victimhood and Hysteria:
The final stanza critiques what the speaker sees as a culture of victimhood and "hysteria." The poem argues that the "symbols of victim hood" are manipulative and well-understood, suggesting that people use them for political gain. It dismisses "politicization" as "reasoned rationalization" for chaos, indicating a belief that many political actions are simply an excuse for people to act out or cause trouble. The poem concludes with a sense of frustration, feeling a need to "change what fools taint" and a resigned acknowledgment that many people are not who they claim to be ("Most now know they ain’t").
Overall Impression
The poem is a dense and somewhat pessimistic commentary. It seems to be a critique of a society that has lost its way, mired in superficiality, political tribalism, and a self-serving kind of fanaticism. The "rote fanaticism" in the title could refer to a number of things: a mindless adherence to a political ideology, a dogmatic religious belief, or a constant, unthinking engagement with the self. The poem's fragmented and symbolic language reflects the chaotic and confusing world it describes, leaving the reader with a sense of frustration and disillusionment...sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
11
11
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi

flyfishercacher

This scene, "Fifth Soccer Practice," is a strong continuation of the story, building on Torey's character arc while introducing new dynamics and deepening existing relationships. Here's a detailed review of its strengths and a few areas for refinement.
Strengths
* Pacing and Flow: The scene moves at a good clip, from Torey's initial excitement to the surprising practice and the coach's impactful speeches. It never feels stagnant, as each event propels the story forward. The shift from a lighthearted moment of personal triumph (Torey in his uniform) to the immediate challenge of social embarrassment is handled well, creating a sense of tension.
* Character Development: The scene excels at developing the main characters.
* Torey: His vulnerability and naivete are on full display, from his earnest mistake with the uniform to his genuine surprise at the boys' grumbling. His internal thoughts, like "I don’t have anything else," and his mixed emotions of fear and excitement at the end, make him relatable and his growth feel earned. His suggestion of "Flywheel Force" is a moment of genuine cleverness and shows him stepping into his own.
* Coach Dreyer: The coach emerges as a complex and highly effective leader. His quiet empathy in handling the uniform situation, followed by his tough-love approach in practice and his powerful, no-nonsense lectures, paints a clear picture of his leadership style. He's not just a coach; he's a mentor teaching life lessons.
* Addo: Addo's character is also subtly deepened. His immediate worry for Torey shows their close friendship, and his "message received" grin after being singled out by the coach highlights a shared understanding and trust between them. The mention of his "ebony skin" and "brilliant white teeth" is a vivid detail that adds a nice touch of description.
* Theme Exploration: This scene effectively explores several key themes.
* Belonging vs. Individuality: Torey’s uniform gaffe perfectly captures the tension between wanting to belong and standing out. It sets up the later lesson from Coach Dreyer about the uniform representing a larger team identity.
* Leadership: Dreyer's actions are a master class in leadership. He addresses the bullying without making a spectacle, uses a difficult moment to teach a larger lesson, and then uses a surprising, humbling statement ("You all stink!") to reframe the team's goals from winning to learning.
* Personal Growth: Torey's journey is the heart of the scene. He faces embarrassment, rises to the physical challenge of practice, contributes meaningfully to the team, and grapples with complex emotions—all within a single afternoon.
Areas for Refinement
* Dialogue Clarity: While the dialogue is generally strong, a few lines could be tightened to feel more natural.
* The line "In a fleeting instant, without a word being spoken, he experienced another lesson in leadership" is a bit on-the-nose. The reader can likely infer this from Addo's reaction. It might be more impactful to just show Addo's complex emotions and let the reader draw their own conclusion.
* Dreyer's debrief, while informative, has a couple of lines that feel a little like a lecture written for a screenplay. For example, "The schedule has us as the home team, so wear the white shirt, like the one Torey is wearing." This could be shortened to just, "Wear the white uniform tomorrow since we're the home team."
* The internal monologue about the team name ("Good name, simple... a combination of related physical phenomena...") is very descriptive and might be better conveyed by Dreyer's actions or a simpler internal thought. It reads more like a narrator's analysis than a character's instant reaction.
* Parental Scene: The final scene with Torey's parents feels a bit disjointed. Brodey’s sullen silence is a good detail, but the transition to it is abrupt. It's a key part of Torey’s home life, so it's good to include, but the tone shift from the soccer field to this is a little jarring. This could be smoothed out with a stronger transition or a slightly more integrated conversation.
* Descriptive Repetition: The scene uses "spiffy" and "reckless abandon." These phrases are fine, but in a longer work, being mindful of similar phrasing can make the language feel fresher. For example, instead of "played with reckless abandon," you could describe what that looks like on the field—"he lunged for every ball," or "he was a blur of motion."
Overall, "Scene 27 Rev A" is a powerful and effective piece of writing. It sets the stage for the team's first game, solidifies the coach's role, and masterfully continues Torey's journey. The few areas for refinement are minor and relate to honing the descriptive language and tightening the dialogue for maximum impact.I am eager to complete the next chapter as well. I am indeed grateful and congratulate you for writing such thrilling and absorbing story. Kudos to you from the core of my heart..sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
12
12
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
flyfishercacher

This is a very detailed and engaging scene. It moves the plot forward in several important ways, develops characters, and introduces a key theme. Here is a detailed review, breaking down the strengths and providing some areas for consideration.
Strengths
* Pacing and Routine: The opening establishes a comfortable routine for Torey, making his newfound love for soccer feel genuine. The shift from his normal life to his "soccer life" is clear and relatable.
* Character Development:
* Torey: We see his enthusiasm for soccer and his pride in his father's company. His shock and then confusion about the sponsorship are well-written. The dialogue where he tries to get his parents to attend the game is particularly poignant, revealing his vulnerability and their emotional distance. The closing scene with the book shows his intellectual curiosity and desire for a world beyond his family's limitations, which is a powerful counterpoint to the domestic tension.
* Brodey: His character is consistently portrayed. His disdain for "extra" spending by his boss, his anger about the thermos, and his refusal to attend the game are all in character. The line, "Claussen should be spending that money on higher wages for his employees, not outfitting kids to play a stupid game," perfectly encapsulates his worldview.
* Nessie: She is presented as the mediator and emotional buffer. She defends Torey against Brodey and tries to create a more positive atmosphere. Her hesitation about the game and her eventual silence show her difficulty in standing up to Brodey.
* Symbolism and Imagery:
* The Thermos: This is a great use of a simple object. It represents Brodey's past work life and serves as a point of conflict, highlighting his rigid, possessive nature. When Torey discards it for the new water bottle, it symbolizes his move away from his father's world and into his own.
* The Soccer Gear: The abundance of gear is a powerful symbol of generosity and community. It stands in stark contrast to Brodey's stinginess and isolationist mindset. The towels, in particular, are a nice touch, a luxury they "didn't even know they needed."
* The Vitruvian Man and Renaissance: This is the most significant symbolic element. The quote, "The drawing represents the ideal human body proportions," is a fantastic parallel to Torey’s journey. He is a "Renaissance Man" in the making—intellectually curious (reading the book) and physically active (soccer), a combination his father neither understands nor values. The concept of the "Renaissance Man" directly contrasts with Brodey's narrow, rigid perspective. The detail about Da Vinci "not representing Vitruvius's proportions of the limbs but rather included those he found himself" is a great metaphor for Torey finding his own path, not one prescribed by others.
* Dialogue: The dialogue feels natural and authentic. The back-and-forth between the coach and the delivery driver, and the kids' excited exclamations, are believable. The family dinner conversation is tense and realistic.
Areas for Consideration
* Pacing (Minor point): The list of everything in the boxes could be slightly trimmed. While it emphasizes the generosity, a bit more conciseness might keep the pace flowing. For example, instead of each player calling out a single item, maybe one or two can list a few things, or the coach can summarize the contents after they've been opened.
* Exposition: The explanation of the soccer league's sponsorship model, while necessary, is a bit on the nose. Dreyer's long-winded explanation feels more like the author explaining something to the reader than a natural part of the conversation. You might consider weaving this information into the dialogue more subtly or having Addo, being the smart one, provide part of the explanation.
* Character Action: When Brodey gets angry about the thermos, Nessie's intervention is good, but Brodey's quick defeat feels a little too easy given his established temperament. His "grunt" is a great detail, but a bit more lingering tension or a few more lines of dialogue could make his capitulation feel more earned.
* Theme of "The Renaissance Man": While the introduction of this concept is powerful, it is also very explicit. Torey reads the title aloud and even murmurs about Da Vinci. This can feel a little heavy-handed. You might consider letting the symbolism of his actions (the dual interests of soccer and intellectual pursuits) speak for itself a bit more before introducing the actual book.
Overall Impression
This is a well-crafted scene with a clear purpose. It masterfully uses the soccer practice event to highlight the growing chasm between Torey and his father, while simultaneously showing Torey’s emerging identity. The inclusion of the "Renaissance Man" book is a brilliant thematic anchor that elevates the scene from a simple slice of life to a meaningful character study. The prose is clear, and the emotional beats—Torey’s excitement, his parents' indifference, his quiet sadness—are handled effectively. The scene successfully sets up the core conflict of Torey forging his own path, a path his family cannot or will not follow...sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
13
13
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
flyfishercacher

This is a detailed critique of the provided story, "Scene 25 Rev A," focusing on character, plot, setting, and dialogue.
Character Development
* Torey: The protagonist's internal monologue is a strength, revealing his anxieties, aspirations, and self-awareness. His desire to become a "Renaissance Man" is a compelling and unique motivation. It sets him apart from a typical sports story protagonist and gives him a deeper goal than just succeeding at soccer. His internal struggle with his appearance ("only one in jeans") and financial limitations adds a realistic layer to his character. The fear of being late for his father's dinner and the fear of Viviana's reaction at a game show his vulnerabilities and the stakes in his life. The contrast between his toughness (kicking the dog) and his more sensitive side (thinking about Viviana and "Renaissance Men") makes him a well-rounded character.
* Addo: Addo is presented as the perfect best friend—loyal, generous, and a natural leader. He's the catalyst for Torey's positive experiences, from helping with cleats to his positive interactions with the coach. While his character is likable, he is perhaps too perfect. He's a foil to Torey's struggles, but his own motivations and complexities are less explored. His immediate and total support for Torey is heartwarming but could be more dynamic if there were even a minor conflict or a moment of doubt.
* Coach Dreyer: Dreyer is a strong, wise, and observant mentor figure. His actions (giving advice, observing players, and taking note of Torey's character) show he is a good coach and a caring adult. His appreciation for the boys' friendship and his recognition of Torey's character ("new respect for Torey's character") are good moments. He serves as an authoritative figure who is also a source of security and validation for the boys.
* Other characters: Kenly, Ramirez, Leon Bertozzi, and Miles Hawkins are mentioned but remain vague threats. Their presence at the park adds tension, but their roles are not yet clear. Viviana is a source of emotional confusion for Torey, and the contrast between her being "pretty" and a "jerk" is a relatable and intriguing dynamic. "Johnathan," the dream character, is a fascinating detail that adds to Torey's inner world, making him feel more real and complex.
Plot and Pacing
* Pacing: The scene unfolds at a good pace, starting with the arrival at practice, moving through warmups and drills, and concluding with Torey's reflective bike ride home. The structure is logical and easy to follow. The scrimmage being a "blur" for Torey is an effective way to convey his exhaustion and focus.
* Plot: The main plot points of this scene are:
* Torey's successful integration into the soccer team with Addo's help.
* Coach Dreyer's growing respect for Torey.
* Torey's pursuit of knowledge (the "Renaissance Men" book), which adds a significant new layer to his character arc.
* The re-introduction of external threats (Bertozzi and Hawkins) and their connection to the park, adding a sense of foreboding.
The plot moves forward effectively, balancing the immediate action of the soccer practice with the development of character and the introduction of new conflicts.
Setting and Atmosphere
* Setting: Runestone Park is well-described, feeling like a real, multi-use public space. The details like the "fresh-cut grass," "many fields," and the "descending sun" create a vivid picture. The transition to Torey's ride home through different urban zones (industrial, residential, retail) is also well-executed and gives a strong sense of place.
* Atmosphere: The atmosphere at the park is one of focused activity, camaraderie, and mentorship. In contrast, Torey's bike ride home shifts the mood to a more introspective and slightly anxious one. The presence of Bertozzi and Hawkins injects a subtle but palpable sense of danger and fear into the scene.
Dialogue
* The dialogue feels natural and authentic for the characters.
* Addo's lines are full of energy and positive encouragement ("Stay with me, Torey," "You did good today").
* Dreyer's speech is authoritative and supportive.
* The small talk among the players about uniforms adds a realistic touch to the scene.
* Torey's dialogue, especially when he talks about the "Renaissance Men" book, is filled with a genuine, youthful excitement that is endearing and believable.
Critique and Suggestions for Improvement
* Show, Don't Tell: While generally effective, there are moments where the narrative tells us things rather than showing them. For example, "Any knowledgeable observer would see on display the work and experience of a coach who cared for his athletes." This could be more impactful if shown through a specific action, like Dreyer helping a struggling player with a technique or offering a specific, encouraging word to someone who needs it. The description of Dreyer's mind as an "uncanny file system" is also telling rather than showing.
* Torey's Bike Ride: The internal monologue is excellent, but the formatting could be slightly clearer. The use of quotes for his thoughts ("Coach was pleased") and then no quotes for other thoughts (e.g., "Man, I did great today") is a bit inconsistent. A consistent formatting style would make it easier to read.
* Addo's Perfection: As mentioned, Addo is a bit one-dimensional in his unwavering support. Consider giving him a minor personal struggle or a moment of frustration, even if it's unrelated to Torey, to make him a more complex character. For example, maybe he misses a pass or has a minor disagreement with another teammate.
* The Threats: The presence of Bertozzi and Hawkins is a good cliffhanger, but it feels a little sudden. The scene could benefit from a bit more foreshadowing or a more natural-feeling moment of their appearance.
Summary
This is a well-crafted scene that effectively moves the story forward while deepening the audience's understanding of the main characters. The focus on Torey's personal growth, both on and off the field, is a great anchor for the narrative. The dialogue is authentic, the setting is vivid, and the pacing is well-managed. The minor suggestions for improvement are primarily about refining the narrative to rely more on showing and adding complexity to a supporting character. Overall, this is a strong piece of writing that sets up future conflicts and character arcs effectively...sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
14
14
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi

Amethyst Angel h✟k ♡

This topic did interest me when you did put it on scroll. This is my detailed review I hope, the review meets up to your expectation. Though it's a bit long, I did find the story intersting. So here is a detailed review.
Character Review
* Leah: The narrator's portrayal of Leah as a young, traumatized, and insecure woman feels authentic. Her internal monologue, filled with anxiety and self-doubt, effectively conveys her emotional state. The detail about her scar and the flashback to her abusive relationship provides a clear motivation for her actions and her defensiveness. The ending, where she considers a new career path, shows a hopeful, though tentative, arc of personal growth.
* Jason: The character of Jason undergoes a significant and effective transformation. Initially, he's a menacing figure, portrayed as a "swarthy," tattooed man with a "malicious" demeanor and a history of violence. The scene with the box cutter and his hostility towards Leah and Eli sets him up as the antagonist. However, the story reveals he's a complex character shaped by his past, not just a one-dimensional villain. His "grief" and vulnerability when discussing his own struggles, and his final protective gesture towards Eli, make his redemption arc believable and impactful.
* Eli: Eli is presented as a kind, earnest, and seemingly innocent young man. His willingness to help Leah and his "shy smile" make him immediately likable. The twist that he's involved in drug dealing is a well-executed subversion of the reader's expectations. This revelation, along with the explanation of his mother's illness, adds depth to his character and makes his moral failings understandable, without excusing them. He is a relatable figure caught in a difficult situation.
Narrative and Pacing
The story's pacing is excellent, with a slow build-up of tension that culminates in the climax. The overheating van serves as a great inciting incident that forces the characters to interact. Each interaction, from the initial encounter with Jason to the revelation of Eli's secret, escalates the conflict. The use of mundane details—the music, the traffic jam, the messy parking lot—grounds the story in a realistic setting and heightens the sense of unease.
The narrative successfully uses the setting to reflect the characters' inner turmoil. The "grimy, oil-stained parking lot" and the "slum" neighborhood mirror Leah's feeling of being stuck and vulnerable. The story effectively uses foreshadowing and suspense, particularly with the song "Heathens" and its lyrics, which eerily reflect the unfolding situation and add a layer of psychological tension.
Thematic Review
The story explores several complex and sensitive themes, including:
* The Deceptive Nature of Appearances: The narrative constantly challenges first impressions. Leah initially judges Jason based on his appearance and demeanor, only to discover he's not what he seems. Conversely, Eli, who appears to be a helpful hero, is revealed to have a hidden, dangerous secret. This theme is one of the story's central strengths.
* Abuse and Trauma: Leah's backstory with her abusive ex-boyfriend and her lingering trauma is a powerful thread. The story handles this with sensitivity, using her scar and internal anxiety to show the lasting impact of violence. It also cleverly contrasts her trauma with Jason's own violent past, suggesting that both victims and perpetrators can be defined by their experiences.
* Social and Economic Hardship: The story touches on issues like homelessness, joblessness, and the desperation that can lead people to illegal activities. Eli's motivation for selling drugs—his mother's cancer—is a compelling and sympathetic reason. Jason's fear of "scrapping on the streets again" provides a similar context for his harsh behavior. This gives the story a layer of social commentary that feels organic to the plot.
Statistical Context
The story's themes are supported by real-world statistics, which add weight and authenticity to the character's situations.
* Domestic Violence: Leah's experience is a reality for many. Nationally, about 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men have been victims of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime.
* Drug-Related Crime and Felonies: Jason's situation reflects the challenges of having a criminal record. Individuals with a felony conviction, especially for drug offenses, face significant barriers to employment. A study found that drug-related offenses are a major contributor to felony conviction rates, with a conviction rate of around 61.8% for Black individuals, 57.8% for Hispanic individuals, and 55% for White individuals.
* Homelessness: The presence of a homeless person at the gas station is a common sight. In the U.S., Black and Indigenous communities are disproportionately affected by homelessness. In 2024, approximately 31.6% of the unhoused population identified as Black or African American, while this demographic makes up about 13.7% of the U.S. population.
Final Assessment
The story is a powerful piece of writing that effectively combines a gripping plot with deep, character-driven themes. It avoids simple hero/villain archetypes, instead portraying complex individuals shaped by their environments and histories. The use of figurative language, sensory details, and an authentic narrative voice makes for an engaging and thought-provoking read. The resolution, while providing a hopeful outcome, doesn't feel overly simplistic, leaving the characters with new challenges and a sense of shared, weary humanity...sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
15
15
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi

Tim Chiu

Thank you for your kind words! This is clear that this piece comes from a place of deep conviction and passion. It's not just a collection of words; it's a testament to your personal faith and spiritual journey.
A Look Inside Your Poetic Voice
Your poem, "The Soul of Virtue: Jesus’s Mention," is a powerful example of a personal spiritual testament. You've used language not just to describe, but to command and inspire. The voice is both a preacher's and a poet's—firm in its convictions yet elevated in its expression. This duality is one of the most compelling aspects of the work. You don't simply state beliefs; you actively challenge the reader to embrace them.
The opening lines, for instance, are a direct call to action, setting a tone of moral urgency. You've used strong verbs like "condemn," "preempt," and "reject" to create a feeling of dynamism and purpose. This isn't passive reflection; it's a battle cry for the soul. The use of alliteration, like "fettering fancies" and "marauding features," adds a lyrical quality that makes these lines memorable and impactful.
The Heart of Your Message
The core of your piece is a deeply personal and heartfelt reverence for Jesus Christ. The lines describing His "Infinite Being" and "unmatched, exquisite resolve" reveal a profound sense of awe and admiration. You've chosen to focus on the paradox of His strength—a strength born not from worldly power, but from "inelegant sufferings." This is a sophisticated and mature theological perspective, reflecting a deep engagement with the Christian narrative.
The imagery you've chosen is particularly striking. Phrases like "The Golden Chalice of The Earth" and "The Holy and Ethical Clarity of Jesus Christ Almighty" are not just religious symbols; they feel like personal icons you've created to convey the sacredness of your beliefs. These are a window into how you, as the author, perceive the spiritual world—as a place of magnificent, almost magical, purpose.
Reflections for Your Journey as a Writer
Your piece is a testament to the power of faith-based writing. It succeeds in being both a sermon and a poem, a guide and a reflection. As you continue to write, consider how you might bring this same passionate energy to different forms or topics. Perhaps you could explore a more narrative style, telling a story that embodies these same principles. Or you could experiment with a different structure, breaking the piece into distinct stanzas to allow each idea to breathe on its own.
Ultimately, your writing is a powerful tool for sharing your personal faith. It's a journey of self-expression and spiritual exploration. Thank you for sharing this piece with me; it's a genuine and moving reflection of your beliefs. Keep writing, and keep sharing your unique voice with the world...sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
16
16
Review of A Day in the Park  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi

Skurpio

Based on the short story that is indeed intriguing and thank you for posting the same just now "A Day in the Park," here is a detailed review.

"A Day in the Park" is a poignant and emotionally charged short story that effectively uses sensory details and a disorienting narrative structure to explore themes of grief, trauma, and the haunting nature of memory. The story centers on Dexter, a man clearly living with profound loss, whose reality is fragmented by the persistent presence of his deceased son, Jeremy. The narrative masterfully blurs the line between past and present, dream and reality, creating a deeply affecting portrait of a man consumed by his own personal tragedy.
Strengths
One of the story's greatest strengths is its powerful use of sensory and atmospheric details. From the opening, the author immerses the reader in Dexter’s world. The "half-moon pinged its light," the "pulpy aroma of the refreshed carpet," and the "wind whispered through the trees" all work together to create a setting that feels both real and surreal. These details are not just descriptive; they are instrumental in establishing the story's melancholic and isolated tone. The recurring sound of the soda can and the fluttering of bats and bugs emphasize the eerie solitude of the park, mirroring Dexter's own detached existence.
The characterization of Dexter is another highlight. We learn about him not through explicit exposition, but through his actions and physical state. His "tangled, grey-streaked beard," the "popping" of his knees, and the "racking shudder of his chest" paint a vivid picture of a man physically and emotionally broken by his trauma. His routine of stretching and drinking from the water fountain reveals a man trying to hold onto some semblance of normalcy, even as his reality crumbles. The author’s decision to have him check if it's Tuesday or Wednesday subtly conveys the way grief has distorted his perception of time.
The narrative’s central conflict, the haunting of Dexter by his son, is handled with incredible care and sensitivity. The initial screams of "DADDY!" are jarring and disorienting, designed to put the reader in Dexter's headspace. The way these visions escalate from a distant sound to a physical presence is a powerful representation of how trauma can consume a person. The gradual reveal of Jeremy’s ghost, culminating in the chilling detail of his "concavity like a brick pushed into a balloon" in his skull, is a masterstroke. This grotesque image serves as a brutal reminder of the violent nature of the accident, a detail that grounds the supernatural elements in a tragic reality. It is a moment that shifts the story from simple hallucination to something more deeply disturbing, solidifying the emotional weight of Dexter's suffering.
Areas for Consideration
While the story is very strong, a few minor elements could be refined to enhance its impact. The dialogue, particularly Jeremy's "Peas help qwikwee" and his later "vewy hush-hush," while likely intended to capture a child's speech, can feel slightly over-stylized, pulling the reader out of the moment. A more subtle approach to conveying his age might make the dialogue feel more natural and less performative.
Additionally, the transition between Dexter's physical actions and his memories could be more seamlessly integrated. While the shifts are intentionally disorienting, there are moments where the jump from "headed to the still operating light" to a memory of his son on the slide feels a bit abrupt. A slightly more fluid connection, perhaps using a transitional thought or a sensory trigger, could make these leaps feel more organic to Dexter's mental state.
Conclusion
"A Day in the Park" is a compelling and deeply moving story that uses a fantastic premise to explore the very real pain of loss. The author excels at creating a mood, using detailed and evocative prose to draw the reader into a world where grief and reality are indistinguishable. The gut-wrenching final scene where Dexter holds his son’s specter, a moment of fleeting comfort juxtaposed with a harrowing physical detail, is the story's emotional climax and leaves a lasting impression. This piece is a powerful testament to the long-lasting and often devastating effects of trauma...sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
17
17
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi

Tim Chiu

While this text touches on themes of loss, justice, and national identity, it presents a number of factual inaccuracies and potentially harmful narratives.
Key Issues:
* Charlie Kirk's Status: The text states that Charlie Kirk has been assassinated. This is false. Charlie Kirk is alive and remains the founder of Turning Point USA. Spreading misinformation about a public figure's death is dangerous and can cause unnecessary distress.
* Connecting Kirk's "Martyrdom" to 9/11: The poem links a fictional assassination to the victims of 9/11. This connection is not only nonsensical but also deeply disrespectful to the memory of the nearly 3,000 people who lost their lives on that day and the families who continue to grieve.
* Misinformation on Saudi Arabia and 9/11: While victims' families have long sought to hold Saudi Arabia accountable for the actions of some of its citizens, the text makes a definitive and unproven claim of the country's "insufferable and invasive and corrupt guilt." The official 9/11 Commission Report found no evidence that the Saudi government as an institution or senior Saudi officials individually funded al-Qaeda. While some individuals from Saudi Arabia were involved, attributing the attacks to the entire nation and its government is a vast oversimplification and an unsubstantiated accusation.
* Confusing and Polarizing Language: The text uses highly emotional and religiously charged language to describe political and social issues. Phrases like "horrible and slippery dementia," "righteous throne," and "polarizing positions" are used to make broad, sweeping statements without providing any context or evidence. This kind of language can be divisive and contribute to a climate of animosity rather than fostering the "meaningful dialogue" the text claims to want.
In summary, the text is a disjointed and emotionally charged piece that relies on factual inaccuracies to express a personal and political viewpoint. It inappropriately conflates unrelated events and individuals, which can be seen as disrespectful to the victims of 9/11 and their families. While expressing grief and seeking justice are valid sentiments, doing so through misinformation is counterproductive and harmful...sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
18
18
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
flyfishercacher


This is a detailed review of the provided script, "Scene 14 Rev F," at the best of my abilities and here is a breakdown of its strengths and weaknesses, along with a critique of its key elements.
Overall Critique
The scene is highly descriptive and well-intentioned, aiming to portray a significant moment of personal growth and friendship. It succeeds in establishing a strong sense of place and atmosphere, but the narrative often gets bogged down by excessive, non-essential details. While the core story of Torey's struggle and Addo's supportive friendship is clear and compelling, it's frequently interrupted by extraneous information that disrupts the pacing and flow. The dialogue, for the most part, is believable and helps define the characters.
Strengths
Character Development and Relationship
The dynamic between Torey and Addo is the heart of the scene and its greatest strength. Torey's naivety and inexperience with the world beyond his neighborhood are contrasted effectively with Addo's street smarts and maturity. Their friendship feels authentic, growing from a simple acquaintance into a bond sealed by a shared struggle and Addo's generosity. The moment when Addo offers Torey the money for the cleats is genuinely touching and a powerful climax to their shopping ordeal. It's a clear and earned moment of emotional connection.
Setting and Atmosphere
The author does an excellent job of painting a vivid picture of Allerford. The descriptions of the G Bus, the transit terminal, and the city streets create a tangible world. Details like the "cream upper over lime green lower outer shell" of the buses and the "three-sided box canyon" converted into a small park bring the setting to life. The heat of the day is a constant, almost physical presence that adds to the boys' weariness and frustration.
Narrative Stakes
The scene effectively builds a sense of mounting tension and desperation. What begins as a simple shopping trip for school shoes and cleats quickly turns into a series of disappointments. The inflated prices and Torey's limited budget create a clear problem that the boys must solve. Torey's internal turmoil—his embarrassment, self-doubt, and eventual despair—is well-communicated, making his final relief and joy at finding the cleats feel all the more impactful.
Weaknesses and Areas for Improvement
Excessive Exposition
The script is heavily padded with what can only be described as unnecessary facts and historical tangents. The long paragraphs about the history of the G Bus, the biography of J.C. Penney, the invention of the Brannock Device, and the history of football cleats are a major detraction. They halt the forward momentum of the story completely and feel like research notes dropped directly into the script. A reader or audience doesn't need to know the origin story of J.C. Penney to understand the setting. The details should be woven into the narrative rather than presented as a block of text. For instance, Brad could mention a fun fact about the Brannock Device while measuring Torey's foot, making the information relevant to the moment.
Pacing Issues
The scene's pacing is erratic due to the aforementioned tangents. The shopping montage, described as "an unpleasant learning experience," is told rather than shown, which lessens its impact. While we are told the boys were "trudging from DSW to Sears to Macy's," the narrative jumps straight to JCPenney, which feels abrupt. This section could be streamlined to show their frustration more dynamically, perhaps with a brief, punchy dialogue exchange or a few short actions.
Dialogue and Character Voices
While mostly good, some of the dialogue feels a bit on the nose. The beggar's use of racial slurs feels forced and more like a tool to provoke conflict than a natural part of his character's voice. His language shifts from polite to aggressive, then to specific racial insults, which feels jarring. Additionally, the line from the police officer about why a white and black boy are together feels a bit heavy-handed, serving only to highlight a racial difference that has already been made clear by the beggar.
Thematic Clarity
The central theme of the scene is clearly about growth and friendship. However, the scene tries to cram in too many other themes, such as the plight of the city's unemployed, the history of public transit, and the difference between male and female shopping habits. This overstuffing of ideas dilutes the main narrative thread. The conflict with the beggar, while it serves to show Torey's newfound courage, feels like a separate mini-story dropped in the middle of the shopping trip.
Minor Details
* The math on the shoes and sales tax could be slightly clearer. Torey has four dollars, and bus fare is one dollar, but the bus ride to the city seems to cost him nothing at the start. Later, the sales tax calculation is a quick, final thought that seems to exist just to create another small setback for Torey. It feels a bit contrived.
* The descriptions of the hotdog cart and the small park are very detailed and could be shortened. While they add color, they slow down the story right before a key character interaction with the beggar.
In conclusion, "Scene 14 Rev F" is a script with a solid foundation. The emotional journey of Torey and the budding friendship with Addo are compelling. However, the story is hindered by an overabundance of informational and descriptive text that bogs down the narrative. Editing for conciseness and focusing on the central plot would make the scene much more effective and powerful. The key is to show, don't tell the world and its history...sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
19
19
Review of Walls Could Talk  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Detective

This is a powerful and evocative poem that creates a strong sense of atmosphere and dread. You've used vivid imagery and sound to bring this haunted house to life. Let's break down some of the key strengths and areas where you could further refine your work.
Strengths of the Poem
* Atmosphere and Tone: The most impressive aspect of this poem is the palpable sense of a haunting. Words like "whispered," "half remembered," "manic laughter," and "moans and wails" immediately set a chilling, mournful tone. You successfully build suspense and a feeling of being watched, drawing the reader into the "house of shadows."
* Sensory Details: You engage multiple senses, which makes the haunting more realistic and immersive. We hear the rain and thunder, the phantom music and laughter. We see the lightning, the firelight dancing, and the specters waltzing. We even get a whiff of "Christmas pies and cakes," a detail that's particularly poignant as it highlights a memory of happiness that's now a phantom.
* Effective Repetition: The recurring question, "If walls could talk what stories would they tell?" acts as a powerful refrain, tying the different stanzas together and reinforcing the central theme. The repetition of "house of shadows" and "manor house at the end of the long lane" grounds the poem and makes the setting itself feel like a character.
* Personification: You expertly personify the house and its elements. The walls "whisper," the rain "beats a drum," and the wind "wails like a banshee." This technique gives the house a life of its own, making it feel less like an empty building and more like a living entity holding onto its dark past.
Areas for Refinement
* Punctuation and Line Breaks: While the free-form style works well, some lines could be made stronger with different punctuation. For example, some of the lines run on, and adjusting the line breaks or adding commas or periods could create more deliberate pauses and a stronger rhythm. Consider where you want the reader to slow down and where you want them to flow.
* Word Choice and Redundancy: You have many strong phrases, but some of the language is repeated in a way that doesn't always add to the impact. For example, "whispered words and half remembered dreams" and "whispering in the night" appear in different stanzas. While repetition is a tool you've used well, trimming some of the repeated concepts could make the poem feel tighter and more impactful. Phrases like "long since gone" also appear more than once. Varying your language slightly could avoid this.
* Narrative Arc: The poem does a fantastic job of establishing the setting, but it could be even more compelling with a slightly clearer narrative arc. It moves from general descriptions to an invitation to spend the night. You could explore this invitation more fully. What happens if someone accepts? The poem ends on a statement of possibility, but you could leave the reader with a more unsettling final image or question.
Overall Impression
This is a well-crafted piece with a clear vision. The sensory details and powerful personification create a chilling and memorable experience. You have a great handle on setting a mood and using poetic devices to build a specific atmosphere. With a little editing to refine the rhythm and reduce some of the repetition, this poem could be even more polished and haunting.
The poem successfully makes the reader feel the weight of the past. What a fantastic start to a ghost story!

sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
20
20
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi

Tim Chiu

The poem “Evil Desires: A United Force For Hope” sharply critiques global and domestic threats to freedom, highlighting the role of leadership and policy in responding to these dangers. It juxtaposes authoritarian aggression with ideals of justice and national integrity. Below is a detailed review:

Core Theme and Tone
The poem centers on despotic power and its corrosive impact on societies worldwide, contrasting this with a call for unity and hope in the face of such peril. The overall tone is both critical and rallying, blending dark warnings about tyranny with a vision for resistance and reform.

Imagery of Oppression
The opening lines surround the "Earth" with "Cruel despots" and "Heinous leaders," vividly depicting a world beset by anti-democratic forces. There is a clear condemnation of political repression, including imprisonment, torture, and sham elections—classic tools of dictatorship.

Global Power Struggles
The poem describes attempts at "political hegemony," militaristic ambitions, and economic warfare, especially targeting the United States. It references:

Land acquisitions and digital hacking, suggesting modern methods of dominance.

Theft of technology and infiltration of social networks, warning of intellectual and cultural subversion from hostile states.

Domestic Response and Resilience
A contrasting section highlights an administration’s role in defending rights, restoring city safety, and committing to military readiness. Key concepts include:

The Second Amendment—noted as a source of retaliatory fear but balanced by advocacy for robust background checks.

Fairness in social policy, emphasizing universal access to health treatments, aid, and nondiscrimination—affirming just governance regardless of identity.

Economic and Cultural Sovereignty
The poem calls for revolt against external (specifically Chinese) control of technology and medicine, reinforcing the importance of domestic production and investment. There is a pronounced concern over foreign influence and ownership, aligned with themes of economic nationalism.

Stylistic Elements
The poem employs strong, evocative language (“heinous,” “fomenting,” “retaliatory”) to convey urgency and moral clarity.

Imagery is direct and suggestive of both concrete threats (war, hacking) and ideological ones (misinformation, conspiracy).

Parallel structures (“And…”; “Overrunning…”; “Stealing…”) drive momentum and emphasize accumulating dangers.

Social Justice and Equity
The latter half stresses support for social programs without prejudice, an allusion to American ideals of equity, while still advocating for responsible citizenship and trade policy. There is a balance between defense and compassion, marking a “force for hope” against the backdrop of “evil desires”.

In summary:
The poem balances a powerful indictment of authoritarianism and foreign threats with a nuanced vision for resilient governance, social fairness, and national strength. It uses vivid imagery, direct language, and political allusion to motivate vigilance, unity, and reform in both domestic and global spheres...sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
21
21
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi

Port Lariat

I am reviewing this article that I read in review request page.This is a beautiful and deeply moving piece. The story is concise, rich with feeling, and uses a powerful central metaphor to explore a profound truth about love and partnership. Thank you for sharing it.
Here is a detailed review of your work.
Overall Impression
The story is a success. It's a quiet, intimate portrait of a loving relationship that transcends traditional gender roles. Your prose is elegant and controlled, painting a vivid picture of a tranquil Sunday morning. The narrative's greatest strength is its ability to take a simple domestic scene and infuse it with layers of meaning through the use of a perfectly chosen memory. The ending is both a satisfying resolution and a celebration of their unique bond.
Analysis of Key Elements
Themes
The core theme is a redefinition of strength and partnership. Your story argues that strength isn't just about physical power, but about quiet support, admiration, and stability. The man's strength is his capacity for stillness and his complete devotion to his wife. This is a far more powerful and enduring form of strength than the Strong Man's feats of muscle. The story also beautifully captures the idea of a complementary relationship, where two very different people—one solid, one fluid—fit together to create a harmonious whole.
Narrative Structure & Pacing
The structure is masterful. The story unfolds naturally, beginning with a tranquil scene that establishes the core dynamic. The flashback to the carnival is the narrative's linchpin. It doesn't feel like a detour; it feels like the very heart of the story, providing the perfect metaphor to explain the man's quiet awe. The return to the present is seamless, and the final dialogue makes the connection explicit and emotionally resonant.
Characterization
* The Man: He is the soul of the story. His character is built through observation and action. We understand his love not through his words but through his gentle gaze, the small act of bringing fruit and coffee, and his final, tender question. He is the anchor, the foundation, and his "calm strength" is a beautiful counterpoint to his wife's dynamism.
* The Woman: She is a whirlwind of brilliance, a "whirling tempest" and "uncontainable." You skillfully portray her through his eyes, showing her focus and determination. She is a modern-day performer, juggling abstract "calculations, decisions, and ideas" with the same grace and intensity as the trapeze artist. Her brief, soft reactions to his affection hint at the deep connection they share, reinforcing her dependence on his calming presence.
Imagery and Symbolism
The story is rich with effective imagery and symbolism.
* The Strong Man and the Woman: These two figures are powerful archetypes. The Strong Man represents a traditional, public display of power, while the carnival woman represents the fluid, multifaceted brilliance that truly commands a show. The man in your story sees himself and his wife in these roles, giving his admiration a mythic quality.
* Light: The recurring imagery of light ("ribbons of gold," "the only light in the universe") is used to signify the wife's brilliance and the man's adoration of it.
* Motion vs. Stillness: This central contrast—her "fluid motion" and "spinning wheel" versus his "calm strength" and "stillness"—defines their complementary natures.
Suggestions for Revision
While the story is excellent as-is, here are a few thoughts on how to make it even more impactful.
* Elevate the "Show, Don't Tell" Moments: The story is already strong in this area, but you could subtly enhance it. For example, instead of stating, "He wondered often how she bore it," you could show his concern through a physical action, like his hand hovering over her shoulder or the way he studies her face for a hint of strain.
* Deepen the Dialogue: The final exchange is the emotional climax. The wife's line, "You already do... If I didn’t have you to lean on, I wouldn’t make it," is very direct and powerful. For an even more layered effect, you might consider a slightly more metaphorical response that requires the reader to connect the dots themselves, mirroring the man's own silent revelations. Something like, "You're my anchor, honey," or "You're the ground I land on," would evoke the same meaning with a bit more poetic flair.
Your story is a beautiful, quiet masterpiece. It celebrates a love that is not about flash and thunder, but about silent admiration and profound support. You should be very proud of this piece...sindbad.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
22
22
Review of A Medal for Sven  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Joto-Kai

This is a great story and thanks indeed for the Gift points you sent along with a prompt reply for my previous review. This is a very moving and well-crafted story about self-acceptance and finding heroism in unexpected places. The narrative arc of Sven, from a self-loathing, mocked outcast to a man who finds quiet confidence, is both believable and deeply satisfying.
Strengths
* Powerful Character Arc: Sven's journey is the heart of the story. His internal monologue is a brilliant window into his pain, self-doubt, and eventual shift in perspective. His belief in magic, which others mock, is what makes him open to the fantastical events that follow, yet his true heroism comes from a grounded, compassionate place.
* Effective Use of Fantasy Elements: The story blends mundane reality (cobblestone streets, a blacksmith, a church debt) with high fantasy (a magical sword, a wizard, a "living" sword). This combination highlights the theme that magic and heroism are not what they seem. The sword, which promises to make him a "warlord," is a red herring; the real magic is within Sven himself.
* Subtle and Poignant Climax: The final confrontation with Orekhan is a masterful moment. Sven, stripped of the "magical" sword and facing his tormentor, doesn't need to use force. His quiet dignity and refusal to stoop to Orekhan's level are what truly win the day. The little girl's words, "A man like you," are the ultimate reward, far more valuable than any medal.
* Symbolism: The sword is a powerful symbol of false power and the kind of heroism Sven thinks he needs. Its destruction represents his shedding of that illusion. The saplings and the little girl's hair are also lovely, subtle symbols of growth and unexpected magic.
Tips for Improvement
* Refine the Pacing: The middle section of the story, particularly the sequence with the glowing goo and the dream, can feel a bit rushed and disorienting. While this might be an intentional reflection of Sven's confusion, clarifying the sequence of events slightly could make the narrative flow more smoothly.
* Dialogue Clarity: Some of the dialogue could be a little more natural. The villains, such as the princeling and Orekhan, can sound a bit generic in their taunts. Making their insults more specific to Sven's character (his belief in magic, his weight) could make their malice feel more personal and effective.
* Show, Don't Tell: The story is generally excellent at showing Sven's feelings, but there are a few moments that tell the reader directly. For example, "This brought no surprise. False friends ignore your greatest moments, and enemies never acknowledge you at your best." This is a powerful sentiment, but it could be integrated more seamlessly into the narrative. You could show this by having Sven recall a specific moment where his "friends" ignored him or an "enemy" dismissed his accomplishment.
Overall, this is a beautiful and meaningful story. The character of Sven is unforgettable, and his journey teaches a valuable lesson about the true nature of courage and worth. The ending is particularly strong and provides a perfect sense of closure...sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
23
23
Review of Asperger's Eyes  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi

SeanFhear

This is a very moving and poignant poem. It offers a powerful and personal glimpse into the experience of someone with Asperger's Syndrome. The verses effectively convey feelings of confusion, isolation, and a unique way of perceiving the world.
Strengths
* Personal Voice: The poem's greatest strength is its raw, first-person voice. The repetition of "I, I just don't understand" and the direct references to a life lived "in odd" create a sense of genuine vulnerability and honesty. This makes the poem feel authentic and deeply personal.
* Effective Imagery: The poem uses simple but effective imagery to convey complex ideas. The juxtaposition of the predictable "sun, and the moon, the day and the night" with the poet's own confusion is a strong opening. The image of the "planes roaming" like childhood dreams that have "ceased" beautifully captures a sense of lost innocence and the passage of time.
* Emotional Honesty: The poem openly addresses painful topics like being a target of silent laughs and the burden of incomprehension. This honesty is both brave and relatable to anyone who has felt like an outsider.
* Shift in Tone: The poem moves from a place of frustration and confusion to one of acceptance and gratitude. The line "If my mind is simple now you think, I thank God in advance" shows a powerful shift toward self-love and a positive outlook, which is a wonderful message.
Tips for Improvement
* Refine Rhythm and Rhyme: The poem has a mix of rhyming and non-rhyming stanzas, and the meter can be a bit inconsistent. While a rigid structure isn't necessary, a more consistent rhythm could make the poem's flow smoother. For example, some lines feel a bit long, which can disrupt the overall musicality.
* Strengthen Word Choice: There are a few instances where word choice could be more precise to enhance the emotional impact. For example, "my heart that feels no aspiration" could be interpreted in different ways. You might consider a different phrase to convey the intended meaning more clearly, perhaps a feeling of emotional detachment rather than a lack of ambition. Similarly, the line "read along on my lips' annotation" is an interesting image, but it could be simplified to make the meaning more accessible.
* Clarity of Metaphor: The final stanzas are very powerful but could be slightly clearer in their meaning. For instance, the line "for all of those of the negligence" could be rephrased to be more active and direct.
Overall, this is a beautiful and moving piece of writing that offers a valuable perspective. The raw emotion and unique voice are its most compelling features. Thank you for sharing this poem...sindbad.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
24
24
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Jeff is Gru in #2343485


This is a short, punchy story with a clear message and a memorable climax. The author effectively uses a series of descriptive adjectives to build the scene and the characters.
Strengths
* Vivid Vocabulary: The use of specific, unusual adjectives like "opulent," "frivolous," "sagacious," and "quizzical" gives the story a distinctive voice. They paint a clear picture of Hank and his world. The contrast between these high-brow words and the raw emotion of the scene creates an interesting tension.
* Clear Characterization: In just a few paragraphs, you've established Hank as a man who is arrogant, self-centered, and careless with others' feelings. His "Viking" nickname and aggressive driving style immediately convey his personality. The valet's reaction is also well-drawn, with his initial "expectant" hand turning to "malice" after Hank's rejection.
* Effective Climax: The twist at the end is simple but satisfying. The reader understands the reason for the valet's revenge and the poetic justice of Hank's ruined car. The final sentence, "The Viking learned the value of a $2 tip," provides a clever and impactful punchline that ties the whole story together.
* Strong Pacing: The story moves quickly from the initial setup to the confrontation. Each paragraph builds on the last, raising the stakes until the final, destructive moment.
Tips for Improvement
* Show, Don't Tell: While the adjectives are effective, sometimes they tell the reader what to think instead of letting the scene speak for itself. For example, instead of saying Hank's friends called him a "nincompoop," you could show his friends' reactions or dialogue that reveals their opinion of his purchase. Similarly, Hank's "aggressive driving style" is described, but a more active description of him cutting off a cab or swerving through traffic could be more immersive.
* Refine Word Choice: The use of all-caps for certain words feels a bit jarring. While it's a stylistic choice, it can distract from the flow of the narrative. Using italics or simply letting the words stand on their own would be less disruptive.
* Grammar and Punctuation: There are a few small errors that can be corrected for a smoother read. For example, the punctuation in some sentences could be adjusted, such as "Hank "The VIKING" Hauser raced down the streets of NEW YORK in his OPULENT sports car." This could be "Hank 'The Viking' Hauser raced down the streets of New York in his opulent sports car."
Overall, this is a very solid piece of short fiction. It's concise, engaging, and delivers its message with a satisfying punch. The a-b-c-d format of the narrative is effective, and the final line makes the story memorable...sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
25
25
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Eliza West

This is a compelling and emotionally rich section of a larger narrative. The chapters you've provided do an excellent job of balancing high-stakes action with deep, character-driven moments. The story successfully juggles multiple plot lines—the overarching mystery of Orbis, the personal vendetta of Sabrina, the familial drama between Darcy and Ambrose, and the smaller, touching moments with Luke and Lucy.
Strengths:
* Character Depth: The core strength of this piece is the relationship between Ambrose and Darcy. Their dynamic is complex and believable. The author masterfully uses dialogue to reveal their history and emotional states. Ambrose's struggle with his past choices and his deep love for his brother feels authentic and is a powerful anchor for the story. Similarly, Darcy's internal conflict—his desire for control and his struggle to let go and trust others—is very well portrayed.
* Pacing and Structure: The narrative expertly shifts from fast-paced action (the arms deal, the escape) to slower, more intimate scenes (the conversation in the library, the quiet moments in the bedroom). This variation prevents the story from becoming monotonous and allows the reader to connect with the characters on a deeper level. The use of flashbacks and internal monologue enriches the plot without disrupting the flow.
* Emotional Resonance: The emotional climax of this section, where Ambrose reveals the depth of his love and regret to Darcy, is particularly moving. It's a raw and honest moment that serves as a turning point in their relationship. The dialogue is powerful and sincere, making it a very impactful scene. The author doesn't shy away from showing the characters' vulnerability, which makes them feel more human.
* Intriguing Plot: The central mystery of Orbis and the various players involved (Kasim, Maurice, Sabrina, and their father) is captivating. The arms deal and subsequent betrayal and kidnapping create a sense of urgency and raise the stakes significantly. The twist of the gold being a diversion is a smart plot development that highlights the enemy's cunning.
Areas for Improvement:
* Dialogue and Monologue Clarity: At times, the dialogue and internal monologue can be a bit fragmented or repetitive, particularly during moments of high stress. While this can convey a character's state of mind, it occasionally makes it a little difficult to follow the logical progression of their thoughts. For example, some of Darcy's internal questions and self-talk could be slightly streamlined to maintain a clearer narrative voice.
* Show, Don't Tell: The story frequently tells the reader about the characters' emotions ("He was, of course, going to set off the smoke grenade...", "Ambrose sighed and softened."). While effective, the impact could be even greater if some of these moments were shown more through action and less through direct description. For instance, instead of saying, "He was too serious to argue with this time," the author could have shown this through his physical posture, tone of voice, or a single, unwavering look that conveys his resolve.
* Sentence Structure and Flow: Some sentences are a bit long and convoluted, which can interrupt the reading flow. A few more active voice constructions and varied sentence lengths could make the prose even more engaging. For example, "It was a enigma that melted my brain" could be more direct like "The enigma melted my brain."
Overall Impression:
This is a well-written, emotionally powerful piece of a larger story. The author has created a compelling plot with multi-dimensional characters and a central relationship that is both realistic and deeply moving. The balance between action, suspense, and raw emotional content is a major achievement. The final chapters, in particular, are a testament to the author's ability to craft a truly resonant and memorable scene. The story leaves the reader eager to find out what happens next and to see how the brothers will face the challenges ahead...sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
985 Reviews • *Magnify*
Page of 40 • 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sindbad