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184 Public Reviews Given
196 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I aim to give a bizarre little meld of creative and technical pointers. My behavior always goes for being thoughtful and polite. If someone says: "I'm brutally honest/I say it like I see it," I think they're misinterpreting what it means to critique something. At the same time, I want to try and see if I might give advice that can make a writer stronger and not just sugarcoat things. We're writers, we make mistakes! But there's just a teenie weenie bit of difference between constructive criticism and having an inferiority complex! Bare in mind also that I am learning and if you think something I address is incorrect, by all means, please bring it up! We're here to learn from each other!
I'm good at...
- Spotting typos and maybe going over some basic rules of writing. - Tossing ideas on how to expand your tale (if you want that) - Using the ol' BS Detector, though it did backfired once and ate a friend's fictional rug.
Favorite Genres
Horror, Science Fiction, Slice of Life (prefers but not limited to if there's a supernatural twist), Speculative Fiction, Comedy, Action/Adventure
Least Favorite Genres
Fanfiction, Political
I will not review...
Not Erotica as a whole but more along the lines of it bordering on a fetish I'm uncomfortable with. Don't feel deterred, we'll discuss it.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by S. Serpent Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is quite something. You know, I don’t think I’ve managed to come across a writer that incorporates quite the tone you have on this website. Quick and to the point. Concise. I’m thankful you asked me to review these two chapters.

Before I go further, I do need to state that whatever I have to say, you take from it whatever works for you. That’s always the case, but especially here because I’m pretty unfamiliar with the tone and I’m also learning too.

Thoughts on Chapter 1

We’re brought to a very violent first start. I can’t help but question why any authority would maim someone in an initiatory ceremony, but we’re at the beginning, so I can imagine you’ll be dropping little tidbits here and there to flesh it out. Are bhatans only from winged species? If not, I would be curious in hearing what other limbs would be used for sacrifice.

Atticus is shrouded in mystery, which allows the reader to slowly get to know him more in later chapters. Thoughts allow for a lot of implications, even how long he believes he’s going to live without telling the reader what his plans are. Most of his inner-dialogue works well, his thoughts flaring up between conversations–his mind immediately elaborating or dismissing his environment.

The world comes across as harsh, if being a successful soldier receives such…grand gifts, then what does one false step bring?

On a different note, you did well at bringing these anthropomorphic creatures to life, understanding each species’ characteristics, and using them to emphasize character.

Thoughts on Chapter 2

Here, Atticus gets a well-earned breather. The world’s caste gets a bit more elaboration as well via Beatrice and June. This also allows the reader to get a better picture of different locations and cultures. The only tiny gripe that I have is that Beatrice and June seem to laugh quite a bit. I know a lot of it comes from them being so nervous, but I might consider cutting some of it out.

The presentation of both chapters are clean and well-polished. Thank you very much!

Again, I enjoyed the tone and voice. I think it’s leaps and bounds better than explaining the entire location before setting the scene in motion, but I can imagine–in later chapters–that it might come across as a little foggy, most of the environment only being brought up immediately when needed.

Overall, I'm invested and curious to see where this story goes.


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2
2
Review by S. Serpent Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
I had been meaning to get to this for so long. I'm thankful you recommended it to me, and that I finally got to read it.

You've done a fabulous job, Angus. From someone who didn't exist in the 70's, you more than set the scene for me to see--allowed me to borrow your own eyes. It puts a smile on my face to think of a little Angus back where, back when... I'm sorry about your mother, I lost my father around that age. I guess, in a way, I was luckier. To a degree, the death of a parent at seven, you just don't really comprehend what it's all about. Your brain hasn't really formed enough to know what is going on.

It's funny, when the title mentioned goosebumps, I thought of that television show, but that doesn't really make a whole lot of sense once given the context, does it? It does sound like a peculiar occurrence. Do you still get them? Whatever it could be, I'm certainly no one to ask, and it sounds like you've come to your own conclusion on that one.

I've never found myself to be religious, but I would consider myself a part-time spiritualist. To think of all the loved ones we've seen parish, it seems too cruel to say that that's that, nothing's behind the veil, kiddos!

It's good that you share these memories, that you keep her with you. We owe it to ourselves to not let the people who meant most to us slip away to time. I've got no children of my own yet, might not ever, but if I had them, I would hope that they would keep some small part of me with them.

You take care, man. Been a tough road for all of us, but it's best that we don't forget those that we've lost along the way, and with a community like this, we can share these stories and keep those loved ones alive for even more people.


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3
3
Review by S. Serpent Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is an interesting little piece!

I liked how you utilized the clock's main source (I suppose also for decoration!) of use with giving a sort of cheat to death--so long as the clock is always maintained. It gives a double-edged sword to eternal life. I feel that in most of fiction, you dabble with immortality, you always gotta have some drawbacks!

You did well in using sounds to help give the clock a foreboding sense of dread, I suppose I would have liked to get to know a little bit about Alfred, but this story is told as an occurrence that the main character is re-telling and it probably is something that they themselves were told so the second-hand knowledge makes sense.

I enjoyed this, thanks so much for entering SCREAMS!!! and good luck!


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4
4
Review of The Parrot Knows  Open in new Window.
Review by S. Serpent Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
HA! Think I learned something new!

This story is too cute with your awesome space parrot! I wonder if Doodle was evolved from Earth parrots or some galactic species? A shame this story ended so early but what can you do?

I admit I was expecting something in the themes of Alien, so the twist came with a great surprise. I wonder how alien that spaceship was to you and me? Well, the main character may not have been human to begin with.

I don't think I've ever found a mistake in any of your works (made the mistake of thinking I had once) and I'm not surprised I hadn't found one here.

Great job as always, Beholden Author IconMail Icon. Always a treat reading something from you!

I know you may be sick of the congratulations, but I'll do it anyway! Congratulations on turning yellow, my friend!


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5
5
Review of Anika  Open in new Window.
Review by S. Serpent Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a lovely little short. Sometimes, you just need a simple, happy moment. I feel I should write some of those for my own mental health's sake.

I'm curious what happened to Derek. What on earth did his ex-girlfriend do to make him dislike the French kiss?! I can think of something, but I ain't sharing!

I quite enjoyed the setting, Anika waiting for her husband to come home, to hear the sounds of the keys sliding into the lock. It's always a giddy thing when you can hear your significant other getting home.

It's a shame, I wish we had met. But in your writing, apart of you will always be immortal--never forget that. Maybe someday we'll meet? Who knows, but rest well, and thank you so kindly for the story.


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6
6
Review by S. Serpent Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a nice little moment frozen in time--you get it?!

The beginning gives a twisted little visual, and it does well to leave me pulled in to find out how things will escalate. Great job on the hook!

There's already a little bit of friction, the main character seems to be on alert; fearful that Aiden is thinking of leaving. So there's a bit of anxiety to what may happen. One thing can certainly be said, you don't truly know someone until an emergency strikes.

I grinned at the comical ending, a bit curious of how relationship statuses went afterwards!

You're a good writer, but I couldn't help but notice a couple of things.

You use "my" quite a bit. Once the main character has established that it's her house, the reader has assumed that the kitchen and yard are hers as well.

"I think we should take a break(,)" Aidan sets down the plate of "cheesecake", and bends over, putting his hands on his knees.--I'd switch out the comma for a period. You use a comma once the dialogue is finished and there's an implication on how the character has said something.

Example:
"I think we should ake a break," Aidan said. He sets down the plate of "cheesecake," and bends over, putting his hands on his knees.

I enjoyed this short little piece, it made me long for the warm Spring days ahead of us. I'll be certain to bite-off only what I can chew!

Please keep on writing!

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7
7
Review by S. Serpent Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I confess, I've very little knowledge in screenplay writing. I tried writing a script a few years ago and failed to complete one scene of it. With that said, I have to default back to being more of an observer than anyone with any real helpful knowledge about this writing style. All advice that I give is something you should take carefully.

The idea here is interesting. A trio of siblings using witch craft and battle the paranormal has promise.

Rose is a living, breathing Freudian Id that's borderline criminal--and that's a good thing. A character like that is a splendid example of a character that can develop through out a television-length series. Things like when she's holding on to David, but grows so intrigued by something else that she endangers him is fairly iconic and says a bit about her. She comes across as somewhat animalistic, sniffing and tasting foreign substances. I think you've got a good character here.

David stands in as the voice of reason, but other than this one quote: You know, the people of this town look up to us. If instead of helping them we exploit them for money, we’ll betray their trust, there's not much more distinction to his character. He does make the gear, but much of his existence seems to be tied to being displeased by Rose's actions. I wouldn't mind some more distinctions about him.

I would recommend that you write up a character dramatis for all three characters. I've heard this is a good tool for most script writers and helps them understand their characters and how their personalities fit into the scheme of a show.

The story has a fair amount of world growth in the beginning. It seems that there's a fair amount of prejudice aimed towards monsters, most of which are homeless. If you haven't thought abut it, I think it would be interesting to focus on this subplot in future episodes.

Now to the meat of the project: The mansion. There's a lot of talk about furniture, but there isn't a whole lot of visuals. You ask three people to imagine furniture in their heads and all three will come up with a different visual, but if you say an ivory kitchen table with gold plating on the sides and you've got an image that most will agree with. Film is a visual medium, people interested in screenplay writing will want to see these visuals to get a sense of your personal style. Too many visuals can bog-down the reader, but scarce visuals makes everything...floaty, if you will.

The dialogue is snappy, Rose getting all of the best one-liners, so I'm guessing this show is set to be comedic with a tinge of horror here and there. Horror comedies are unique and intriguing.

Here are some tidbits here and there:

There's a fair amount of typos, so I'd recommend you try to go through this episode and fix them.

(David, (r)ose and Greg's home)--Minor typo

She is reading an old book on magic while holding a bright blue (R)ose, dripping out blue liquid, in her mouth.--Was this a capitalization typo?

MRS. WILLIAMS
Oh, excuse me(,) (ma'am).--Add a comma. Unless Mrs. Williams is addressing Rose ironically, I think it's a little odd she would address a girl much younger than she as ma'am.

One of the protesters throws a rotten egg at Rose’s face.--Did the egg miss her or did it hit? The intent was stated but not the conclusion.

The streets are cleaner, but the houses are old and run down with many of them having a (faded-out) “FOR SALE” sign. --Great job with using implication here. Television series require a strong visual eye. The faded out sign tells the reader that problems have been going on for a very long time without having to state it.

Greg throws the potion at the house causing a small explosion and spirits to fly out.--You may want to be a little more descriptive here. I would be curious in what a spirit looks like. It would also tell someone, like a producer, what visual they would be creating.

Greg’s jacket is several sizes (to(o)) big while Rose’s is too small.--Add the o.

David stares at the door while Rose sniffs it like a dog. The SCREAMING stops and David gets startled.

ROSE
(shrugs)
I guess they finally died.--I would imagine that both siblings should be a little concerned for their eight-year-old baby brother. Very funny line of dialogue, though.

A beam falls over Greg, but Ralph pushes him out of the [...?] causing it to crush him to slime.

ROSE staring at Ralph while holding a gold vase in her mouth.--Uh, why? Does she have the vase in her mouth because her hands are full of jewelry?

David fires an arrow at Ralph’s leg.--Does he have a bow, or is this a magic spell of some sort? I might have missed something but I can't recall David coming in with a bow.

In the end, you've got some intriguing ideas and an entire world to craft and build them on to. A money troubled band of siblings certainly has a great deal of potential.

Keep up with the writing!


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8
8
Review by S. Serpent Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Why hello, River!

This is an interesting tale. I think you've got something here. The whole idea of being virtually alone on the planet (specifically not from mass extinction, but from mass migration) is a bit of a turn from the typical post-apocalyptic concept, and I think it works as a good basis to explore some new grounds. The death of everyone you've ever known makes a more psychological cut-off point to the mind, while the thought of them being literal light-years away would probably overload a lot of people's senses, making their minds race to what their loved ones are doing--how they're doing.

The beginning, when River sets the scene, talking about before the takeover, it's well-written and works at establishing things. I particularly liked the rather gruesome mishap with an AI's first error, a good precursor for things. It was good that River cites her mother's recklessness with money but goes at it without turning the woman in mourning into a dismissive villain, as she--and River--work together to scrape funds together in order to survive.

The end of the scene where River is separated from the migrates worked, but admittedly, I would have preferred a more visual representation for the background. As she cries, the only real indication that the world is falling apart around is by "I pitied myself. I wallowed in self-pity for a long time [as the world crumbled down around me.]" This is a little bit more telling than showing. Think of specific visuals that came to your mind when you first wrote that sentence. Were buildings leveled to the ground from the rocket boosters taking off on the ships? I could see them being destructive since there's no intention of the migrants returning. Would the boosters firing-off cause the land around River to heat up and cause her to swelter along with her suffering? Would the massive launch cause a noxious scent in the air that would hurt her lungs to breathe in?

The Show Don't Tell idea doesn't work as the only approach, it can get overly complicated quickly if you rely on it solely; telling does help speed things up, but in key scenes, like this one, it always helps to have a visual in mind.

"Looking at the camo backpack reminded me of my friend Colton who had one. All of my other friends and I always asked him where his backpack was. We never even called him Colton we called him Cam."--Look at this sentence. Great job at pulling in at how River's homesickness strikes her at unexpected times. Even when she isn't trying to think of the past, she's so lonely that her mind will oftentimes make connections from what's around her and BAM, she's back to thinking about it.

Later on, once Latin and she have bonded, she learns that AI was taken aboard the migrant ships. I really enjoyed how she's attempting to act calm but inside, she's freaking out. I find it pretty plausible it would happen too (bringing AI onboard). Humans have made erroneous mistakes and have oftentimes repeated them despite promising that they have learned. This little tidbit allows the reader to feel a sense of urgency to the unknown fate of River's family.

One thing I think might help add tension to the story thus far would be to give visual to the AI once mankind has left the planet. I can't recall any visuals after the AI start their first attack. It might be interesting to see how they function (River observing them from afar, or hiding from them outright). My mind wants to speculate that the machines might start to show some form of social connection to each other, but that's just me speculating!

Good work, and please keep it up! *BigSmile*



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9
9
Review of Hallowed  Open in new Window.
Review by S. Serpent Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hey, Razor!

Figured I'd poke my head into your Halloween entry and see what's going on!

I like this story, a few simple actions leads from pranking to a full-blown nightmare! You gotta love it when you've been dead for two years and this cool dude strikes you a deal! Oddly enough, it reminds me a bit about why I was told not to mess around with Oija boards. I actually tried to get one once when I young.

This has got some good dialogue with the kids bantering back-and-forth and you do get the sense that they're good friends. I always like Halloween stories that go into what costumes who is wearing. There's a great shock factor where a simple push ends with a less than hopeful outcome. The flash forward to two years is short and doesn't drag, leaving a couple of notes about the change that traumatic event left on the poor kids.

Just one tiny little typo!

As we (alk) down the streets, our old closeness gradually returned to us.--Minor Typo, switch to walk.

The end has some good tragedy and leaves a great creep factor about what's happened to the bodies! Again, just don't talk to strangers!

Great job and keep it up!


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10
10
Review by S. Serpent Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Ah, W.D. Wilcox!

Been some time, hasn't it? I've been making my rounds at the SCREAMS!!! Halloween entries and came across this pleasantly shrieking tale.

Well, it's got your usual poetic touch. I can't help but admire how beautifully dreadful you paint your landscapes, and as expected, the design is organic. I was puzzled by the title, but it's all clear as day now.

Come to think of it, I think you've created a fascinating little monster whose mechanics would make him predatorial in nature. Sounds like I'm babbling on about the obvious, right? Well, what I mean is that a creature that grows in strength by screams of its victim would be a rather effective attack/defense. 'Course, this slimey guy is made of magic, but I can't help but think of it as something of an interesting power a predator could have.

I've been reading your past horror newsletters (I stumbled across the old archives). Great stuff as expected!

You have yourself a great Thanksgiving!


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11
11
Review by S. Serpent Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This little tale is really something. I would suggest that maybe you should think about revisiting this world again. The nior atmosphere and catchy dialogue create a good sense of theme. The switching between POV sometimes felt a bit too quick, but it mostly works well in gauging what both main characters are thinking. I found it fun to listen in on both Murphy's and Evelyn's inner-dialogue. Evelyn gets the more complicated role as she's purposefully trying to be seductive while keeping her cards to her chest, despite being attracted to Murphy.

Oddly enough, at the end, I felt like I understood Evelyn more than Murphy. He can apparently see ghosts as a seeker and also takes odd jobs, but neither are really ever explored, just stated. I felt he was a private eye of some sort given his office. True, not much is given about Evelyn other than her grandmother and that she has supernatural powers to boot, but despite the rotations of POV, Murphy is designed as the main character. HIS normalcy is interrupted by Evelyn, so I wouldn't have minded a little more elaboration on his backstory. Evie is a femme fetale, that archetype typically is shrouded in mystery.

There's a couple of things I'd like to pinpoint below:

She was sultry. Leggy. Gorgeous.--You know, I'm actually at a bit of crossroads with this sentence. My usual mode of thought would be to say that it isn't descriptive enough. What comes to mind is a super long pair of legs and some wavy, curly hair on top. ...Probably says a bit about me, but regardless, I don't truly have a visual for this character from the beginning. Where the lines blur is the fact that you're using the first-person narrative. Murphy can describe anyone/anything just as much or little as he damn well pleases. Just remember--in general--that people tend to remember details when they're more distinct. Gorgeous tells us that the main character is attracted to this femme fatale, but it leaves the reader with little to go on. I wouldn't axe gorgeous, but attempt to describe the character a bit more, then use gorgeous as a send-off. Funny, if you're familiar with Stephen King, he uses very sparse details to describe a character, but what he uses tend to stick out as a blueprint for the reader to fill in the blanks. Might be an interesting technique to try out.

I was getting the feeling that this lady was amused at a joke, and I was the punchline.--Great dialogue here. It makes the reader more uneasy around this woman. It seems she's made up her mind about our main character and it isn't one paved with high respect. She's toying with him and despite that, her playful demeanor confuses the reader and makes them wary of her.

She leaned forward, giving me a view of her cleavage. Holy mama!! Try to look at her face! Try to look at her face! Fuck... Not looking at her face.--I always enjoy playful inner-dialogue. Might go for a more visual approach with the cleavage though. Maybe something of how the circular orbs seemed to burst at the seams.

"...The(y) spell makes it undetectable by anyone but a seeker."--Minor Typo

I () the feeling that I had just gotten myself in over my head.--Minor Typo, add had.

A thread of red energy (seemed) to run from her finger to the panel, and the red light on the thing suddenly turned green.--I know I still do this, but always be cautious about the word seem. It's straight out evil, because seem implies that what you're seeing may not be what is happening. It's a valuable word, but I'd argue in this instance, Murphy has seen some crazy stuff all his life, so the red energy probably shouldn't be so up to anticipation for him. He's out there in that scene with his adrenaline pumping, so I'd gather he'd take note of what she's doing, but wouldn't question what he's seeing.

[I thought back to the two dead guards and shivered. So this is what she did for fun, eh? Wow! Was he ever right about this girl being trouble! It was a good thing he wasn’t squeamish about this kind of thing. He had no doubt that these men deserved the quick death they had been given, wrapped up in the affairs of evil, supernatural monsters as they were.
Evelyn held the door open for him as she slipped inside. She held a finger to her lips to ensure that he didn’t attempt to whisper in here, and she crept silently along, clearly knowing her way around the layout of the place.
They quickly navigated the hallways until they stood before a door with another security panel beside it. Again, she zapped the panel with her red energy until it turned green. I wished I could ask her how she was doing that, but I knew better than to talk—especially now.] --There are a few times you've switched from first-person to third. That's one thing I hate about writing. It's so damn easy to get distracted, default to a different style and the error can become invisible since you're too familiar with your own voice. I seldom write in present-tense because I've defaulted back to past and even when looking to make certain it's all one tense, I've missed it a few times. God...it brings back old war stories of my Creative Writing instructor.

One neat little trick that tends to strengthen writing is to use adverbs sparingly. They're not inherently bad words, but they can dampen one's writing. Adverbs tend to end in -ly.

Here's an example:

She drank aggressively.

She drank in huge gulps.

The first one tells you without much visual, the second does a better job at implying and gives you a visual. Oh, and use adverbs all day long in dialogue so long as it seems appropriate with the character saying them.

I enjoyed this story quite a bit. I'm thankful you brought it to my attention. It's good to read a bit of action where the mission goal is stated early, the middle point brings in the action and conflict, and the end tappers-off in a relaxed nature. I had to chuckle at the last sentence. I do wonder though, did Evelyn keep her promise and pay Murphy great riches? Again, I think you could definitely expland on these ideas and make a larger work.

I sure hope this big o' review hasn't given you a headache. I'd be more than happy to look at anything you'd be curious in getting a second pair of eyes on. If you really want an expansive, comprehensive reviewer, I would recommend Rustika - M.I.A. Author IconMail Icon She's a brilliant, thought-provoking critic and really nails down her thoughts on a work. I've always been envious of how well she's able to concisely state what she thinks. Unfortunately, she's a busy lady, so it might take a little time for her to get back with you.

Well, I think I've rambled your ear-off plenty. Great work and keep it up!


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12
12
Review of Lost Incantation  Open in new Window.
Review by S. Serpent Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is quite the concept!

I like the homely quality you've used. Halloween occurs in the Fall, so often times a lot of writers work really hard to make the outdoors' atmosphere to be an imeadiately threatening force. But Fall has a relaxed side--it's probably the most relaxed of all the seasons. Alberto returning to his grandmother's is calming. I really enjoyed his travel back in time.

Great hook with his eye. I couldn't help my curiousity when you teased it in the beginning and by the end my questions were answered. It may sound silly, but I do like when festive foods (like the taffy) are used in horror stories.

One thing did puzzle me a little bit, the marbles. Near the end, there's a draw to them that feels slightly off or I'm not understanding something. It almost feels like there's a switch between taffy to marbles. I'm guessing it was just used as a scene to signal that the children had changed. They go from playing with them to...almost meditatively examining them. It's an interesting device that I wouldn't have minded a little more clarity to.

I enjoyed this creepy little tale and it's nice to read a story that spans over several decades. Great job and keep it up!


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13
13
Review by S. Serpent Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Ah, I see you're becoming quite a regular in these parts! Glad to see another writer dabbling in the dark fictions.

You know, I'm pretty certain I've heard of a true stalker case where a man would wait for a girl's guard to be down, pick her cellphone up, and take pictures of her without her finding out until later. ...I thought technology had changed a bit since then and you would have to unlock your phone in order to take a picture. Just tested that theory to find out that it's quite the contrary. Creepy.

I liked this story. It's got that ol' CreepyPasta polish to it. The whole: "It could happen to you!" vibe is always a great treat. Well, apparently it has happened as well.

There's some interesting changes in expectations. Brilliantly played to lay the uh...tool in the first paragraph. That's Chekov's Gun right there. I do think it might start off better if Phil had used it for something to throw off expectations. True, he's a contractor, but the scene opens as if he just sets it there. If he were nailing something down and asked about the carpet, then set the hammer down, the final scene would end with a stronger gasp.

The house has some fun descriptions mixed in as well. I like that its condition is unveiled a little bit further in the story. Both Phil and Rachel are familiar with the scene. It sounds like they've been working together, in the house, for a while, so I don't think the reader needs to be clued in immediately to what the house is like. You're two POVs are already familiar with the place.

You've got a tight window of time to send this piece in before the contest is over, I completely understand that I think you did well in its current form, but let me draw your attention to one little thing:

Rachel nodded, wordlessly.-- I think you can ax that wordlessly. If she doesn't use dialogue or the sentence doesn't summarize what she said, then stating that she didn't speak doesn't really add to the picture.

Trust me, I've been there--still am in certain ways, I guarantee it.

I think you've got a strong running in the contest with this nasty little tale! Good luck, and thank you so much for entering!


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14
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Review of The Fourth Child  Open in new Window.
Review by S. Serpent Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well, can't say I saw that coming!

I think some of your strongest attributes as a writer are the visuals you paint with. I'm a bit of the opposite, unfortunately. Dana, near silently, working away on Darius has some interesting visuals. I loved when the pebble gently knocks against the glass of her helmet. With weaker gravity, it isn't going to smack against the glass--luckily for her.

When she comes across the lifeform, the form it chooses says a lot about the creature in general. Great job at the speculation skills here. Picking the "pup" form of a species would probably be best if the lifeform finds that species to be harmless. Being able to pick a visual form might be a handy trait if the lifeform has any sorts of predators!

Dana feels like a pretty sad character. It almost feels like the lifeform pities her to some degree. After all, it did say it could kill her pretty easily. I suppose it's a bit of the odd couple; Dana lives to survive, the Fourth Child lives to ponder (though that easily makes it dread its own existence).

The dialogue exchange is good. Dana just simply answers why she believes humans never go insane from the question of being. I think a lot of Science Fiction tries a little too hard to tackle these questions and lose out a bit. After all, Dana's answer makes more than enough sense to me. One might argue that the lifeform should know this, but you're also talking about a completely different species--a completely different way of thinking. In a way, I suspect that the agony of being is almost a natural flaw programmed into these beings to keep them at bay with all other creatures so they wouldn't become so overpowered. After all, at the end, you realize how friggn' big these things are. ...Sure hope Dana didn't lose her job.

"Didn't you HEAR the conversation that was recorded?!"

"All I heard was you talking to yourself for ten minutes!"

Very good job! I'm sorry for taking so long to finally get to this.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review by S. Serpent Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This is grotesquely fascinating!

I can't help but find situations of bizarre torture to be a little interesting in their unique approaches. Sometimes it can get either too bland--or too sadistic, but this story is in neither category!

I like that you never state what it is that the victims are forced to eat. Clear and concise visuals are great tools, but sometimes you just have to leave it up to the reader. Whatever they're eating, I think I'll pass! These teens have gone through such horrors that I completely believe that they don't want to know what they're forced to ingest.

I do find it particularly cruel that there's a window they can see (or at least the main character) but it's so small and high up that it's out of reach for them. It's that whole: "So close, yet so far away..." I like the change of concept, they're getting too obese to escape, not from beatings or malnourished.

The story reminds me a bit of a horror film called Feed. I never watched it myself, but I've heard of it.

Well, thanks so much for sharing and have yourself a great day!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review by S. Serpent Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is a nice and eerie little story!

You're quite skilled at capturing the Slice of Life feel of your world. Your exploration in Penelope's nightmares is beautiful--and I love the dream logic you implement. Things like Penelope being thinking she's awake--mother is cooking breakfast--mother doesn't live here anymore. The situation with the shoes is also a great way at capturing that sense of illogical terror that only dreams can truly capture.

Even in Penelope's waking hours, she's constantly engaged in a hopeless tug-of-war. Characters like Rose come across as cliche--until you've actually worked around one. I remember all-too-well the days of just trying to camouflage into the work place and come out unscathed from nasty superiors. I seldom succeeded. I bring these things up, because they show you're writing is realistic and explains a world that is far from make believe.

This is brilliant work, keep it up!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review by S. Serpent Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Oh... You've got some great writing here!

Your subtopics don't indicate that this story is darkly humorous (and I'm really sorry if I'm incorrect!) but I found it hilarious in this self-fulling prophecy manner.

I gotta hand it to you, only having 300 words to describe the environment as well as you did, it's clear you've got a lot of experience with writing. You fleshed out the environment with great detail, like the light that gleamed off the tracks--a beautiful foreboding was sensed by me. Heck, you even squeezed in a little mythos for Destiny Lane. There's a place with a similar lore where I live.

And once we think that everything is peachy, that we can just continue our drunken walk down Destiny Lane--it's over. Short and sweet in multiple ways!

Beautiful work, I love it!

Thanks for sharing and keep writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of The Watercourse  Open in new Window.
Review by S. Serpent Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I certainly see why this got published.

It's well-written and follows a dreary, dark journey that never lets up. Even when a familiar face comes shows up, there's a horror all its own. Not even the rain calms the mind, there's a dark taint to every aspect.

Great job at capturing Jack's voice in the story. I think a lot of writers forget to write from a child's perspective when they choose someone so young as their main character.

I'm glad you mentioned where the idea came from. I like when a writer bases their story on something that actually occurred. I feel terrible for those poor kids.

It's nice to see more of your work with the similes. With this being longer than Jo-Jo, I get a lot more examples. My favorite was near the beginning, when you describe the trees as deformed giants. It gives me an uncanny visual and adds to the hopelessness of the situation.

It must be interesting to have written something fourteen years ago and to see all these different opinions on the story.

The concept of the world reminds me a lot of Elias Witherow's short story "Feed the Pig". The cast in that story are all adults, so there's added horror there. If you're ever curious, you can track it down on the net pretty easily. He went on to write a series of books and short stories surrounding the world. I've only read one other short, none of the novels (I intend to) but I hear they're so unsettling that they're difficult to read. Maybe not the best reading material if you're having a bad day.

Thanks, Bill! It was a dark and terrible read I'll soon not forget!
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Review of Jo-Jo the Clown  Open in new Window.
Review by S. Serpent Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Well, dastardly good work like usual, Wilcox.

The only thing that felt off was the change from the beginning to the rest of the story. I like that there's a backstory that sets Jo-Jo on his way, but it feels grounded in reality. It made me believe that Jo-Jo wasn't supernatural in design.

"A voice spoke to him inside his head, and then Joey was transformed. The transformation rode in him like a worm in an apple, and made it almost impossible for anyone to truly see him for what he really was."-Is this suppose to be the hint that something more than him following his own dreams has occurred? It's interesting, beautiful in a bleak way.

I have to say, I like it when an author takes a step forward and slams down the lever. I almost feel it would have been a lost story if something dark hadn't happened to them!

So, Joey Jopachian? Do I amuse you, like a clown?!

Thanks for showing me this one, Bill! Feel free to drop me a line on other works.
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Review of Sacred Rite  Open in new Window.
Review by S. Serpent Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hmmm, this is very curious.

Mysterious groups underground is always an intrigue of mine. You can't help but sometimes ponder if there are mystical forces (both good and evil) at play with life. And if mankind could push the scales in their favor, would they? Even if there were no garuntees, only a slight raise in chance, I'd think so, yes. I think most writers that dabble in horror have one cult story or two up their sleeve.

It's interesting to be a fly on the wall in this underground room. I'm curious what this room is used for on the other night of the year. Must they sacrifice twice a year?

What I really enjoy is how you reveal things via dialogue. The...sacrificial nominees are all argued by the members of the order. A longer take on this story could flesh out what specific members' interests are in their nominations.

The ending is interesting in this dark, Lovecraftian manner. I suppose, I just wonder what the laughter is about? Just that things are going along smoothly or is there an ulterior motive? Interesting stuff!

I caught a couple of typos, nothing major.

There was a moment of silence and all the figures nodded their (head). --I'd change it to heads.

The room was (quite) once more. --Change to quiet.

Your tale is an interesting little look at a secret society of people that do what they do ought of fear from a greater cause. I like it! Thank you so much for sharing!

Keep writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review by S. Serpent Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Interesting!

I like your prose a lot. There's a good sway to them. Maybe some are a little longer, but I'm trying to break the old habit of having short, stubby sentences, and having written in that manner for so long, I know I can be blinded by my own rut.

Calibri is an interesting name. I wonder if there's more to it than the font style? Even if there isn't it works well. The name of a clean and gentle font, a good cookie-cutter style that reinforces the idea that everything is set to a publicly chosen norm. I'm curious whom this character truly is. I had my bets that he was an AI. Can't quite make up my mind on that one and I don't think a definitive answer is needed.

One thing I might want answered is Calibri's mission statement. Is he there to make certain that the Audio-Visual Communication remains bug-free and fully functioning? When you say government, well, in these days, it sometimes might come across as nefarious, all the talk about information sellers and the sorts.

Calibri is shaken from his norm when he sees an unsightly difference. There is a man there, and the viewer finds him horribly ugly--as if this man without his filter on will disease the rest of the innocent flock. But wait! There's an organic beauty to this man that has awakened something in Calibri, and he comes to find a beauty he has not seen in some time. It's hopeful and heartwarming, but it leaves me just a little curious for more.

If the man is not using his filter, are the people he's laughing with noticing it? This change comes across as relatively new since Calibri appears to be watching everyone. I would imagine that the man's friends are in shock--if this is new to them as well. I liked that you added sound to apart of the disturbance, his laughs are organic, not prim and proper. I think it would have harmed the story if it were all visual looks.

This story does leave me thinking. I recently saw an app demonstrated somewhere on the internet, where a girl was able to change the color of her hair from a filter. Computer technology grows exponentially, who's really to say what will be available in only five years from now? And what will become of the current acceptance of beauty?

Not to get too off topic, but it has been on my mind. I'm writing a novel and I am thinking of having an upper- and lower-class in it. The lower-class would be the stockier look we mostly accept now. The upper-class would wear masks and such, looking something like artwork than something organic.

Well, regardless of what's knocking around in my head, great job! I'm glad you recommended this piece to me! I hope the rest of your day goes well, and when you get that other work completed, just give me a holler!

Keep writing!
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Review by S. Serpent Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Ha!

You got something here alright! Unfortunately, I'm not well-versed in poetry. I know a limerick is a form of rhyming, though that's about all my tiny brain can muster. What I do know is that poetry is meant to be read aloud, which I did, and it rolls off the tongue very well.

By the end, I had this visual playing in my head. Three or four kids cycling around a deadend street, they were singing the verses. Kind of makes me think that a piece like this might be egged on by parents and teachers alike, in the hopes that it'll help the kids think twice before swallowing foreign objects.

I think we all remember that one kid who would eat anything for a little loose change. I wonder how his innards are doing. Well, enough rambling.

I'm trying to meet a deadline, and I know this is a short piece, so, do you mind recommending another work of yours you'd like me to check out later once I've cleared up a couple of things? You can save it as a "coupon" if you've got something on the back burner you want looked at in the future.

Take it easy and keep up the writing!
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Review by S. Serpent Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Well, as they say: The plot thickens.

I really enjoy the idea of an extinct civilization as a backdrop for a murder mystery. I'd give a lot to have rainy mornings with a cup of coffee, just walking around a desolate city in ruins. At the same time, the child in me would panic and fear that maybe not all of the deceased would really be deceased. This background is full of potential, it's probably what I like the most about this story thus far.

So, two dead, and the reveal of the corpses are at different locations and times. I'm half-expecting to find some tribe of the ruin's survivors hiding out in the abandoned buildings.

Now, you may have gone into this and I just didn't pickup on it, but what exactly is Elam doing on the planet? I know he's basically there to live out a decade alone on the planet. But is this a job for him or a home of some sort? Is he expected to observe something or is he 100% left to his own devices?

Minor typos:

"What?" Bender rose (at) stared at the sky, where the shuttle was already almost invisible as it ascended back into orbit. --Might want to either add more words or replace at with and.

Bender frowned. "Well, yes, that makes sense. But this should be done by one of () ship's officers. --Add the, I'd say.

With the typos, I can't help but point 'em out. It just helps me work on my editing skills. If they help you out, that's awesome, but don't feel deterred if I pick them out. One thing I would say that you might want to think about when you go back and edit, both corpses aren't very descriptive. Either Elam's seen a lot of death to be able to be so vague about a corpse (or IS the killer) but I would expect the shock of coming across a dead body to make a person overly descriptive in their memory.

Sigurd obviously has a lot of experience, so when he goes over the picture of the corpse, I buy that he's not so explanatory. Then again, he's an investigator, so I could see a more in-depth visual just for him to be looking for clues and patterns. Speaking of Sigurd, I thought his name was SIgurd? Possible typo in the last chapter? The name if foreign to me, so I figured it was just a sign of his name that I wasn't aware of it.
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Review by S. Serpent Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well, that certainly ended quite creepily!

I enjoyed the sense of anxiety the end creates, when you see the car--and that it's on. What kind of monsters are behind the wheel?! Then BAM! The realization hits you like a ton of bricks. Great, great job!
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Review by S. Serpent Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Things are going smooth here. SIgurd's introduction works well. Clearly, he's a particular kind of guy, who doesn't much care for playing nice with other groups, but that's a usual trope.

Jack and Wendy Torrance. You got an eyebrow raise when Jack's name was first mentioned. The reference is gleefully obvious now. I've not had a chance to read King's The Shinning. I think that's his highest selling book on record. My brother's got two copies laying around his house, so I'll get to it soon enough.

The mystery without many details, my gut says that Fokke at least knows things she's not telling. Something about her coyness, how she easily takes SIgurd's demand for control and gives off only brief agitations and seems to go out of her way to compliment him. I think she wants him to think she's dumb, at least make him think less of her so she doesn't have his eyes on what she's doing. I'm not asking for answers, just giving you an inside view of what one reader assumes.

SIgurd already questions what Margrave is hiding. I'm amused that he's already curious about Elam--I'm not surprised, but amused. Good job at showing how SIgurd can pick up on information. I almost feel like the murder was committed so SIgurd could investigate the man who just wants to be left alone.

Minor typo stuff:

"Nothing but an official Resident, plus routine audits (,) in all that time." --You go 'n' get that little comma a hug with the sentence!

Elam nodded. "All right, then. --Wrap a second quotation 'round that sentence!


Well, 'til next time!
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