You've got an interesting world here. I like the idea of some giant tree that this structure is built around. A group of friends that work together as security detail helps the idea of character exploration. A little cleaning and I think you have something quite fun!
Now, there's some advice I'd like to give. Spacing is your friend. Whenever you use one character's dialogue and it ends, please hit that Enter key twice and space it out. It does wonders at making the text easier to read.
Also, you've chosen present-tense. Now, it's not hard to fall back into past-tense, so please bare that in mind when you're proofing your work. I rarely use present-tense partially because it's real easy to strike those keys, look away at the dog barking outside the window, and then default to past. There's a couple of hiccups here.
Yes, I gave the tree a nickname. Don’t judge me.--This is a good window into the main character's personality. Very good. Never forget that using first-person awards you a quick and RELATIVELY easy way to show your character's personality via their thoughts. Third person can do the same, but it's not as immediate.
Now, you like painting visuals of beauty and relaxation. That's good, you don't need to be dark and dreary like me, but the ultimate problem lies in your reliance that the reader will fill in the blanks.
Behind us, tourists from towns all around the coastline pile in, many with various souvenirs,...--You don't have to tell us every single knickknack these guys have, but tell us a little bit. Is there a little boy with a wind-up fox toy? Maybe a Sophomore girl has a t-shirt with the city's name on it. This is a great way to quietly express some of the culture in the world you've built.
While Nir, Cherry and I talk about girl things through the ride,...--There's a missed opportunity for character establishment. Maybe Cherry's concerned, overworked, tired, maybe she's facing a dilemma at home. It can be something positive too, maybe she has some beautiful roses in bloom, some great compliment from one of her superiors has her swimming with delight. Filling in the blanks helps the reader feel more invested--and it tends to be a lot of fun, too! On a personal note, I understand the "talk about girl things" usually just means that it's casual talk, but it can also come across as a little dismissive, like they're just chickens, clucking their way through life.
The Great Crystalbloom (stood) guard, her massive branches sprouting small formations of (coloured glassy rock). When the rays of the warm sun shine through one, I see the (myriad of colours) separate within and behold as it’s warm rays sprout through the other side.--You're going to want to switch stood to stand to keep up with present tense. Now, again, you're showing us this beautiful scene, but what colors is the reader suppose to see? Is it a refraction of the sunlight without the prisms being altered in color? So, golden and yellow hues? You have a good vocabulary, but when you're writing a scene that a character is awe-struck, try to be specific.
I see Snow pout a bit and giggle, resting my hand on his.--Now, you've painted Snow as a broody type, a tad agitated when the main character sneaks up on him. This lines makes him appear much more playful--and that's not bad, but I think the main character would probably comment (in her thoughts or vocally) on his current, more laid back position. It's the giggle more than anything that makes me wonder this.
Over everyone, (I hear) a little girl gasp and (see) her tug at her mother’s sleeve(s), pointing at the crystal lanterns that hung from the web of vines over the ground floor.--Often times in writing, we often rely too heavily on stating what our characters SEE and HEAR. The image becomes...almost like a flash to the character, then at what they're reacting to, then back to the character and back at the action. Don't completely throw out sees, hears, tastes, ect., but always consider the thought of eliminating such words if they pull the action away from the reader. Look at this adjustment:
Over everyone, a little girl gasps and tugs at her mother's sleeve, pointing at the crystal lantern that hangs from the web of vines over the ground floor.--I wouldn't say the edit is flawless, but it's much more immediate. The reader understands that this story is in the first-person, your character relays information effortlessly. She sees the little girl right off the bat, she hears her. And, it's a cute visual, but she's not really grabbing both her mothers sleeves, is she?
Well, those are my thoughts. Keep up the writing! Please only use what you agree with, after all, this' just one idiot's opinion!
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