Wow! The prompt was so original, and your ode so apt, that I'm tempted to think that the prompt actually came from you. If it did, you score double points!
This piece is too simple to be of much interest to a reader who knows a bit of mathematics, and impossible for anyone without mathematical knowledge to understand.
Luckily I fall in between these groups, so I loved it!
When I ask myself which stanzas like best, I have difficulty answering. If I were pressed, however, I would have to say the first, fourth and last ones caught my attention.
The first evokes a familiar feeling of yearning and questioning. The reader cannot but read on.
While all the verses are beautifully rhythmic, the fourth one is profoundly so. The heart itself pulses; you incorporate the rhythm of the waves and the tunes of early childhood.
The last stanza brings a final calmness to a sad poem of yearning, exquisitely written.
I liked the quick pace of this story. In fact the rapid succession of unnerving events kept me on the edge of my seat! After a few paragraphs I thought, "This is the stuff nightmares are made of," but I wasn't yet sure whether the story was true.
Finally, after the relentless and unceasing escalation of misfortunes, I came to the conclusion that what you had created was indeed a nightmare very vivid and well-written.
I really like "The End" at the bottom of this particular piece. It left me with the feeling, "Whew! Glad that is over!"
I would have given you five starts, but there are a few instances where I felt the wording could have been improved upon.
If you would like me to elaborate on this aspect, do tell me.
Dear Anonymous Upgrader - that is your name, isn't it?
I'm not the quickest of cats, but to me this story raises more questions than it answers.
I am assuming that the story is auto-biographical.
Louisa was your "first choice". What were the qualities she possessed that you admired? What did the two of you have in common? (She was obviously not a partying-girl).
Louisa was also backward in coming forward, and she dressed modestly. I hope it struck you that those were possible signs of her being of her being a lady (as opposed to Michelle)? Did you regret that you didn't read more into her last hug? Do you think that if you had given her more time your relationship might have developed into a stronger one? Do you regret not having offered to give her a push?
Once Stella spilled the beans, Louisa changed her status to "single". Do you regret letting Michelle seduce you?
Now back to the title: The original idiom can have negative as well as positive connotations, and I believe a negative connotation is implied. I'm not quite sure, though, who the three people are. Are they you, Michelle and Louisa, or must we fit Stella into the equation?
You have given the reader so much food for thought that once she had read it to the end, she re-read it a couple of times - proof that the story is complex and interesting. I think it could do with a little less padding. Do you agree?
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