This story stirred me to the point of being really upset. I regard that as a sign of a good story, well-told.
Sadly the story-line is almost parallel to a true incident that occurred in South Africa just a few years ago. I followed the court case on TV over a number of months. Your story, however, taking just a minute to read, very successfully and very movingly depicts all the fine details - graphic, emotional, historical and, of course. tragic. In fact, in every paragraph did the tragedy strike this reader.
The names of the characters are original and the whole poem is metaphorical, which adds interest. It is unusual, and that makes it interesting.
In the last stanza, I love the way Mother Time (time heals - to a certain extent), Father Moon and Sister Moon begin the process of healing. I notice that they are symbolic family, which is a clever idea since a supportive and caring family are the best medicine for a broken heart. The budding plant and the flower are sure signs of growth and strengthening of the Self, which survived. I like the idea of nature helping in the healing process.
You have created a touching story derived from both heartbreak and happy memories of a boy and his mother.
The meeting downstairs in the dark between Timothy and his mom is tender and bittersweet, and you have described these moments with compassion for both of them.
Timothy expresses himself poignantly and with maturity as he comforts his mother: “It’s all right Mama. Daddy is okay.”
This is a story well conceived and very well told. I found it moving.
This is a delightful piece of emotive writing. Your descriptions are beautifully visual.
I love the way you dance to music that the scene has stirred in you, which only you hear but which you share with the stranger who responds with his own dancing and which lasts for only a few microseconds.
You descriptions of various types of light and the dancing give this piece of lot of life. I can find no flaws in your writing, writing which is most enjoyable.
What you have successfully managed to do in this story is maintain the mystery surrounding Mr Jack Daniels.
Of course, we know that Jack Daniels is a good whiskey, so perhaps Mom is afraid of her husband when he is drunk and that is the reason she seeks refuge in her son's room when Jack is in the house.
But you raise a bit of doubt in the reader's mind with the simple sentence, "Of course he has Jack with him." It is as if Jack could be a person. Further into the story you again raise doubt in the reader's mind by implying that you actually have see Jack: "Does this mean I never have to see Jack again?"
The reader must decide for himself who or what this dangerous Jack is.
Though your story is skillfully composed there are many grammatical errors, so unfortunately I can't give you a high rating.
It is well conceived, well composed and well written.
Of course for a new type of society, new words had to be coined. I like your choices.
The surprise factor in the second last paragraph of the story appealed to me. As for the last paragraph, you leave a lot of scope for speculation on what will become of the "not yet" Connection. The word the story ends on gives a clue, though.
I like the lines "The women of disgrace,/The women of despair." in the first verse. Those lines alone could sum up the lives of the ladies of the night.
In the second verse I like the way you describe the monotony of the ladies' work:
"Again, she does her task,/Again, like yesterday." The commas after 'Again' emphasise the monotony. The work 'task' is well chosen.
The ladies of the night have already lived lives of hardship, and now must meet the different requirements of each and every John. You capture this well in the fourth verse.
In the fifth verse you evoke some sympathy for the women: they have no option but to face the humiliation of "leers," "frowns," "pointing," "gawking," "staring," "glaring," by the public in general.
Your poem reveals an accurate observation of the Ladies of the Night, which you have skillfully and vividly put into words.
Ah! I enjoyed this tale, which I see was written just in time to be read on Christmas day!
It's quite an accomplishment to write twenty straight lines of conversation which not only hold the reader's interest, but end on an unexpected and highly satirical note.
I noted your use of idioms adjusted to incorporate words related to the bird.
I also noted the subtlety in the turkey's seemingly innocuous words (the type one would find in a child's first reader): "...see Dick run. Watch Jane cook." This is followed by the irony in "Is there any other reason I'd think you a Dick?"
This is a lighthearted but very cleverly contrived tale.
This tale covers a lifespan in just twelve lines, which is a feat!
"Aromas from the kitchen bring fond memories of olden days..." caught my interest. It's very sensory and appealed to me.
I also like "...when lilting laughter often rang throughout the house..." Before I even got to "...as children played", I imagined bunch of kids in their merriment. That is a good indication that your wording is effective.
"Too soon, the surging tides of time would sweep us..." is a lovely metaphor.
To me, your first stanza is the best of the three, but the second and third are also good. I like the way you end the poem, imparting the significant fact that the home is still central to the family, this time with different emotions.
I notice that you used alliteration in stanzas one and two, to good effect.
The only phrase of your poem which prevents me from giving you a five star rating is "...corrupting weakened flesh...", which feels a bit forced to me.
I love this. It is funny and original and well-timed.
Further research suggests that the B.S. syndrome is chronic and incurable. It was first discovered in Washington.
There's talk of a mass exodus to Mars for those with above average IQs. It is believed that Airforce 1 is at present inadequately equipped to make the journey.
The first two lines are very dramatic in their content and presentation. In fact the first two lines of every stanza are most unusual in their content, continuing the intensity of the poem.
The reader is left with no doubt whatever that whatever the narrator failed to do had astounding and punitive consequences.
To me the part about having to give back all the Christmas presents, whether intended or not, contains some humour. I enjoyed that. little bit of lightness.
The dilemma - acting responsibly or ignoring everything that must be done - would be a common day experience for you and me, but an uncommon one (even on a grey and gloomy day) for those early-risers who are programmed to complete, methodically, all that has to be accomplished that day.
That gnawing, uneasy feeling telling you to put in more effort is clearly there in your poem, and just as clear is the fact that however much it disturbs you, it's not enough to get you going.
I like the comparison of time to fragile glass. At this stage it's too late to move, or a vibration might break it.
What is "that final"? An exam? We must be twins!
I know this is meant to be a "free flowing" poem, but where there is rhythm I like it, and I would prefer just a little more.
With the words "It doesn't feel ... like this day is mine" you've explained well how it's all about what they want, rather than about what you've accomplished.
You describe with clarity how your family is relying on you to do the "right thing" for their sake.
May I give you a few words of advice? Sit them down soon, before it's too late and, no matter how awkward it is, no matter how angry they become, tell your family that you need to forge your own life in order to find out what makes you happy, even at the cost of making mistakes along the way.
In the first paragraph I like the image of pictures from real life and from dreams rushing into the old man's mind.
So beautifully do you invoke Senechka to bring a spark of life to the old man. The bird lifts his spirits; he finds happiness again; he is now capable of thought, reason, and love.
Your story, as short as it is, is intricate in its detail.
I enjoyed the read
(Please note that the phrase "...seemed to recall his relatives..." has a simple typo. Please fix it before I am criticized for giving you five stars!)
I love this slice of life, with all dimwit's teenage clumsiness, of thought, speech and performance. And dreams. And his most important member.
Moonbeam, despite her condescending manner, apparently sees further than her guy's blunders and gaffes.
You tell this tale skillfully, incorporating the crudity, exaggeration and innocence of the teenage boy. It is touching and funny and a definite success. I'm still smiling as I write this
Deeper into this slice we have a glimpse of the cottage and its produce. It's interesting to know that the bumbling pumpkin and his wife actually made it!
Polish up the spelling grammar a tiny bit and you'll have 5 stars.
The message of your poem is loud and clear and the spacing of the lines give it great impact.
The wretched and unwarranted suffering of a young woman at the hands of her parents, friends and society at large is effectively described
You have captured a frantic situation leading to a dramatic end exceptionally skillfully.
The introduction of the cellphone and the lines that follow "Bang" bring an added dimension to the poem which, in my opinion raises its rating from very good to excellent.
I've never heard of Backwards Day. What an original idea! I think it would appeal to children aged about five years, who have sorted out reality from fantasy, but still enjoy an escape into an imaginary situation. My guess is that this story would tickle their fancy because these children would understand that doing things "backwards" is nonsensical and would see the funny side of this little story.
Your story is given credence by it's simple honesty.
As soon as I read that you grew up in the 50s, your tale resonated with me. With World War II behind them, our Moms and Dads, having picked up the pieces, would tuck us up in bed and read us a story. So we kids did feel safe - secure and confident enough to venture out with our friends and get up to some dangerous mischief.
As you say, luck was with you dear story-teller; you lived to tell the tale. And so, thank heavens, did Drew and Spencer.
The police officer's intervention is what really lifts this account and gives it humour. I wonder how difficult it must have been for him to suppress a smile while giving Drew a dressing down!
How often have we smiled at the naughty things our children did!
The simplicity of expression in this poem speaks emphatically enough to enlighten anyone who wants to understand the motivation behind gender change. I was instantly struck by 'I can't be you.'
'time has come to shed my skin So I have room to grow again' gives the outsider cause to think about the fact that gender change is not as simple as your words: Kate must now develop.
Kate has clearly, and once again, emphatically, taken the reins on the ride through life. I wish her much happiness.
W.C is a place where we can explore our experiences, needs, feelings, and so much more. If you feel like writing, I encourage you to write. Say it exactly as it is - like you have. And you've done well!
You used the expression "Writing.Com "family". Is this your, original, expression? It hits the nail on the head. One is accepted into this family from the word go.
Gita
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/somonne/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/11
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.27 seconds at 5:10pm on Apr 27, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "