I'll give you my honest opinion about your piece, what I like, what I don't like, any questions I may have, and how I think you may be able to improve what I'm reviewing.
I have a hard time understanding poems lately, because many don't seem to flow. Sometimes they rhyme but, when they do, the words often don't make sense. This is just perfect from The to muttonhead. Well done!!!
ss
Aw, man - this kept me going right up to the ending. Great job, Kathie! The piece flows really well, and it's easy to feel the strength of Dan and Lindsey's bond. It definitely had me thinking, "I wish I had met the Ying to my Yang."
The story is told in a cohesive way; there are no "Wait! What?" moments. The only thing I would have liked to have seen is more description in some areas. I struggle with the same thing, and I'm trying to learn to be more creative. I tend to tell a story rather than show a story. As an example, you do a nice job of describing their wedding location: "They had married on a coral beach. The secluded island was a tropical paradise. There were cool breezes and a postcard sunset. It was a spectrum of lavender, scarlet, turquoise, and ribbons of gold intertwined." But you have an opportunity to paint a Lindseyesque picture here if you add a few things. Did the waves crash or roll? Was the water blue, green, turquoise or some other color? Was the sand white or pink? Did the scent of hibiscus or other flowers linger on the breeze? We're also around the same age, so I know The Prophet (still have the little book), but quoting just a little from it, or penning a few poignant lines from their vows might have been nice.
I hope I'm making some sense, and I hope you don't mind the critique. This is such a beautiful story.
ss
Oh, Kathie! What a wonderful piece! Life is not always easy, is it? In fact, it can be downright cruel at times. I wish so badly that we could save our children and grandchildren from the pitfalls we know they will and do face! You handled Chris' addiction so well, though - and are using it to inform others. Bless you!!!
ss
Another great one, James! Now I have to ask - is this fiction? If so, you have an awesome imagination. If not, you have a life-story just waiting to be told!!!
ss
I. LOVE. THIS. James, this is really good. The story flowed very well and, even though it took me a couple of seconds to find the rhythm, but that added to the intrigue. About the time I would start to laugh, the idea of Willie Boy wringing Jamie's neck would pop into my head. By the same token, I could feel Willie Boy's surprise, and pride, at the end. Whether this story is a memory or it came from your imagination, I'm betting there are innumerable more hiding in your head or heart - and I can't wait to read them.
A couple of suggestions:
The use of so many ellipticals and lack of quotation marks threw me. Of course, I'm old school and these may be new methods. I would have no idea. Lol! The other suggestion is about the narrator's voice. Is it first or third party? You go back and forth.
Again - I loved this story! I hope my suggestions will help you sharpen your impressive skills.
ss
Good luck, Jeff! I can sympathize with every single thing you wrote, both for 2022 and 2017! The only thing is, if you're going to keep entering Cramp contests, I may have to back out. LOVED, Memento Mori, which sent me to your portfolio. Haven't been able to read much yet, but I did see your blog post about MasterClass. I'm headed there right now!!! If James Patterson helped you that much, I'm in! And along the way, if you're willing to hand out some good critiques I'm willing to take them.
ss
Wow! Compelling indeed!! Instead of just finding a way to incorporate the items, you wove them into the start of a beautiful tapestry. I hope this short is just the beginning.
ss
I love the poem and the fact you give credit to the One who guides us all, M. C. Gupta! It looks as though you've been in practice for quite a while, and you probably have many great stories. I haven't made it to your portfolio yet, but will definitely visit. I'm hoping it's filled with lots of memories.
ss
I love this, Megan! From other conversations, I figured you were a really special person but this poem cinches it. It takes a special person to do the work you do, and to be able to see the special spirits of those too many others want to block out. Thank you for being there for them!
ss
SO glad you have words to help you see clearly! Many are weighed down by the words of others, but your words rise to speak truth. I have no idea how old you are, but I'm thinking fairly young? (If not, my apologies!) As you age your voice will become even stronger. No matter how Life tries to get in your way, keep writing!
xx
Very nice! Your story takes me back to some of my own memories, sweet and poignant. And, to me, that the greatest compliment I can give. I can visualize this scene as it unfolds, remember the feelings I had when speaking at my father's funeral. He was Papa, too.
A couple of tiny suggestions: you might want to revise one of the first words of the beginning two sentences of the second paragraph. They each begin with "As." Also, there's a type in the third paragraph, when speaking of John's wife, Ann.
I haven't looked at your portfolio yet, but I sure will. I'm hoping to find "the rest of the story," as they say, in another piece. You certainly got my curiosity going!!!
ss
First, I'm so sorry this happened to you and I hope writing about your past and your feelings will be cathartic.
Having said that, I found this piece to be very strong in terms of evoking an emotional response. I think it's a good start, kind of a foundation you can build upon. There's plenty of room for you to take what you've written here and expand it, talking more about your surroundings at that time. You were in a car - large, small or medium-sized? What time of day was it - morning, afternoon? What kind of day - sunny, cloudy, hot, cool? Who's house was it, was it large or small? You were in Mexico - why? Did you live there, or were you visiting? Who was the man in the house?
You are obviously a strong person and you have a strong voice. As painful as your history is, unfortunately there are plenty of others out there who would love to know they're not alone.
ss
I love cowboy shows! In fact, when I'm watching tv the channel is typically turned to a re-run of the greats. I'm not big on the newer stuff, which is why I liked your story. I'm guessing it's part of a larger, maybe yet to be written piece?
The imagery was especially good and the story flows extremely well. The only place I had to read over a few times (but I finally got it) was: "Everybody I know know anything about injuns." After I finally got it, it makes perfect sense - but it did make me stumble.
I love happy endings!!! This is great, of course. So well written, which is not surprising since I read all about you after the other review. (About which I'm pretty embarrassed.) =)
ss
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