PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS
Before I get to the review, let me mention a few things. This is your work. Any points made in this review are up to you to decide their relevance. You are the author and know things the reader does not. Remember though, if a reviewer is confused, the reader may be also. I'm a practicing Engineer with a background in physics and mechanics(classical not automobile). That will help with your story.
PLOT
The story line is interesting and with a couple of exceptions, follows a logical course. You establish the conflict that will drive the story but took a little too long. Remember, you need to hook the reader on the first one or two pages. The sooner the better.
SUGGESTIONS (Your story is longer, so I'll do a running commentary instead.)
The very first paragraph should be in quotes since it is dialog. If it is "Stream of Consciousness" as you do later, then Hanna shouldn't answer his question.
Every new writer is wordy. I was particularly prone to this problem when I started. Using fewer words makes the prose more powerful and keeps the pace consistent. Let me give you an example:
And Hannah said, "yes, I guess it has been that long, but I believe I have proof now, and you know I've never gone off this direction before. We're both scientists and I know I fancy some things you find distasteful, but I'm telling you, This ancient text gives specifics, not only on how it was done, but on how to do it! I've looked through it a dozen times, and all the science lines up with what we know already.
Compare to this:
"That long?" Hanna said. "That means you know I've never done anything like this. I have proof now! Even though I fancy some avenues different from you, this ancient text gives specifics. It tells us how to actually do it. I gone over it a dozen times and it lines up with what we already know.
The second was over twenty fewer words. Try to cut 10% off your word count on your second draft. That will quicken the pace and build tension. If done well, it clarifies the prose.
Avoid adverbs(Usually end with ly) in dialog attribution(She said, John replied..) Show what they are felling, don't tell us. For example:
"Well", she said kind of sheepishly,
"Well," Hanna said dropping her eyes and hunching her shoulders.
I know this is many more words, but this is an important exception. "SHOW DON'T TELL" is an author's mantra you will hear over and over. It is applicable to almost all parts of story writing.
Here, I'd like to mention something that I thought of in a number of places while reading. It is part of my background so I know what differential equations look like. My question is: Would the symbols be anything like the modern ones used today? Not likely, unless time travel is part of your story. Modern symbols would bring up whole new questions. Other cultures write right to left, even top to bottom in columns. Depending on how believable you want the story to be, decide how to deal with these questions. Also, don't dump excessive equations or mathematical analysis on the reader. Just enough to get the point made. You may have noticed that the math symbols did not translate properly. There are ways to represent them correctly in you book if needed.
Avoid using the same adjective, words or phrase in multiple sentences, especially adjacent ones. For example:
Hannah left the photocopy of the manuscript on his desk, but still feeling unsafe, left by the back door and went to a hotel. She could feel something wasn't right. She couldn't tell if it was danger or just that odd feeling you get when you can tell something isn't right.
Look at you phrase "something wasn't right." You used in again in the next sentence. Look at this re-write which reduces word count and avoids duplicate expressions:
Hanna left a copy on his desk. Feeling something wasn't right, she left through the back door heading for the safety of the hotel room.
This is optional, but can help your reader's to not get confused. You are using multiple Points of View (POV). Sometimes placing a separator in between paragraphs helps, especially if changing scenes. For example:
Doug was sure they now had a chance to find a solution to this question that had stumped mathematicians for decades.
***
Lindy could not stop crying. She knew Doug misunderstood her and thought her idea would lead to the solution.
Needless to say, she drove the two hours up to the lake
Avoid trite or cliche phrases such as Needless to say, or Little did they know.
Decide on how you are going to tell your story. Look these up.
First Person
Second Person
Third Person Limited
Third Person Omniscient
Your story has three of them, but mostly First Person. That usually doesn't work. Eighty percent of stories today are told in THIRD PERSON LIMITED. That does not mean you need to use that voice. Young Adult(YA) is increasing the popularity of FIRST PERSON. Third Person Limited lets the narrator tell the story ONLY from the protagonist's point of view with the occasional direct thought or stream of consciousness. Look up the others and as the author, decide your voice.
In fiction, numerals are almost never used. Say "At twenty three years old," instead of, "At 23 years old." Of course, your equations would be an exception.
The feeling of fear started to creep back in. Just an old text, someone following her sure didn't help. Could she be sure they were actually following her? Maybe they just needed to go to the same area she did. Besides, what's to be afraid of really?
Be sure to make clear the narrator speaking and her actual thoughts. Also, the narrator shouldn't talk to the reader directly. I think I remember that in your work somewhere.
["I hesitate to describe the scene that I saw when I got down to the vehicle. The car never caught fire, but was mangled so badly that they couldn't just cut her out. Some of her limbs were found 50 feet away, the rest was crumpled inside the car. I won't describe the rest to you. Worst scene I've ever witnessed. I was the coroner at the scene on duty that evening." - John Statch, Medical Examiner]
Medical examiner's have seen everything. Even if they had not, they are unlikely to write an unprofessional report. They would never write, "I hesitate to describe..." If you want the scene to be horrific, "show don't tell" the medical examiner's experience. You could do the report, but let its clinical detached nature emphasize how terrible it was.
... She was only 28 years old and one of the most intelligent people he had ever met, excluding himself, of course.
But he never cared about what he thought of himself, always refused the standard IQ tests. What a waste of ego he always thought. Still, he was one of the brightest people in physics under Steven Hawking and maybe on or two others. He just never cared.
For someone who doesn't care, he sure thinks about his intelligence in detail. Show us he doesn't care. For example: She was one of the most intelligent people he knew. Hanna told him he could be compared to Stephen Hawking, but he never believed that or cared what people thought.
This next suggestion is another that you as the author will have to decide on. The feelings Gerald has for Hanna. Society is sensitive about this and unless this is important to the story and she is alive and they hook up later, find a way to express it without dwelling on it. Don't worry if you intend for the reader to have negative feelings for Gerald because of this. For example: ...she was like a daughter to him. Being around her zestful love of life sometimes made him wish it could be more, but that violated so many rules he suppressed those feelings. Wordsmith this until it's perfect.
In Chapter 2, you have Gerald panicking and driving all over trying to find the accident. All of a sudden, "He slept a lot..." Huh? Transition smoothly from scene to scene. It should be almost transparent to the reader.
There seems to be to much exposition and stream of consciousness. Balance it out with more dialog. Most readers don't like to see many long paragraphs. Dialog forces a new paragraph with every speaker and breaks up the exposition and info dumps.
Ah, here is where the narrator address the reader directly. You can do this, but ONLY if your book has the appropriate and consistent voice.
I guess by now you are asking how did Hannah get this book. Not something you just find in an alley and pick up. Well, that part of the story is a bit longer, but I will try and shorten it a bit.
Watch the run on sentences. Their are many of them.
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
Your characters develop personality over the course of the story and they are interesting. We also learn to care about some of them as intended
This next comment is one you need to consider carefully and not take as gospel. Hanna's life and situation was carefully explained and shown to us. You also INFO DUMP(Look this word up) an extensive back story that night not be needed later. So much so that we began to care for her. Then you kill her. Personally, I didn't like that and would have preferred not to be brought to care for her so much and get so much back story since she was slated to die almost immediately. Now, this is the kind of exception I referred to. If you as the author want it that way, know there will be many flash backs or she is not dead but her death was staged by the "bad guys," then letting us care so much is perfectly OK.
FINAL THOUGHTS
This is a great story. I can try to guess where it is going to go, but I'm sure you are full of surprises. As a Sci-fi/fantasy writer, I would be interested in reading it. No matter how good the idea, writing is hard work. Best Seller authors often mention the ten manuscripts in the back of their cupboard the wrote while learning. The MOST important thing for an aspiring writer to do is: READ A LOT and WRITE A LOT. We learn skills and the methods that work from BOTH of these tasks.
Another suggestion is to read this out loud to another or at least yourself. Follow what you wrote exactly and you will find many of the common errors, both story and grammar. I encourage you to keep at it. Work hard, you have the necessary talent so you will do just fine.
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "
You have a good grasp of teenage behavior. I raised five kids and didn't swallow this, though they tried! 