I love adding to my knowledge of different poetical styles, even if I’ll probably never use them myself. So thank you for that.
This poem was alive with celebration not only for life, but also for everything that went beforehand to bring us to this moment. It is a great “Hoorah!” In the eternal cycle. The last stanza, which is a great culmination of this poem, hints (at least to me) of the cycles to come. And the use of the word “Everywhen” suggests time isn’t strictly a linear experience.
This was a fantastic piece of micro-fiction. Even with the inherent limitation of words, you still fleshed out your characters and told an intriguing tale. Good job!
Let me start off with some of the things I liked. I really liked the dialogue between Dan, Reema and Emily. I especially liked how Emily got the name of their agency off Facebook. That didn’t even occur to me. But then I thought, yeah, do one web search on detective agencies, and of course Facebook will be throwing detective agency ads at you for the next month.
I like how you have Ronnie in his cups just blurting out where he left Selene.
Some things that I would address have to do with the description of the Mayday itself. For example, when Inky Jones introduces himself to the Sullivans, I love your description of him. But his dialogue doesn’t fit his description. Someone who owns a dive like the Mayday that serves people like Ronnie on a regular basis would only be using words like ‘proprietor’ and ‘sir’ in a court of law. Him saying something like “I’m the owner here. What did you want?” seems more natural.
Same thing with describing Mark at the kiosk. The Mayday is a gritty sort of place. Talking about it having a kiosk disrupts the description of this image.
That would be my biggest suggestion. Dan and Reema have never been in a place like the Mayday. It’s the very definition of a dive, a world completely alien to the husband and wife detectives. The description and dialogue should reflect this.
Anyway, I’ve enjoyed the bones of your story very much. I would just flesh out certain parts differently.
There were some minor spelling and punctuation errors that a couple of editing “read through” will take care of, such as
My pelt is a beautiful as any other selkies pelt
Here, it should ‘my pelt is as beautiful’ and there should be an apostrophe at the end of selkies to indicate possession.
The thing I most loved about this story is the rhythm in which it is told. Everything about it makes it feel like an old Irish tale, which I love. Fantastic story. Well done.
I had never heard of dizain poems before, but I was fascinated once I discovered them. It is a challenge to express one’s thoughts in a restricted poetic form, but you’ve done so beautifully.
The imagery invoked in this poem is spot on. You present the differences between the two worlds which are simultaneously juxtaposed with each other beautifully. The air these verses cast over my soul is gray and…I was going to say remorseful, but instead I’ll use the word remorseful. Well done.
This was a great read, especially the second half. I do think the story as a whole could do with an overall editing to deal with issues like run on sentences, verb tense mismatches and the like, but otherwise very enjoyable. The Spaniards did have the technological edge over the original indigenous empires, but it was disease that helped the Spaniards defeat those Empires. Vikings would be a whole different matter. Again, well done.
So I stumbled on this doing a word search for ‘Viking’ and I was halfway tbrough it before discovering this was from one of favorite new found lyricists on WDC.
There is a very grim, determined meatiness to these lyrics. The only line I didn’t like in the entire song was Forged by dwarves so skilled and planned!. It wasn’t a bad line, per se. But there’s this rhythm of endurance through a darkness that necessity requires be willingly embraced throughout the song that this line doesn’t seem to echo.
But otherwise, this was an exhilarating song!
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