Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/takeda
Review Requests: OFF
96 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 ... Next
Review of The Shadows  
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A clever story, I'm impressed. Normally, I don't read horror stories as I find them boring and not normally interested. What I liked was the way you gripped me for example, it had me gripped, a very interesting way of introducing James and his life. This is like what, 3000 words at least? You've managed to describe his life in one whole text and this would be a winner. I like the backstory as it is cleverly combined with the perfection of writing in the present. I liked it, really did!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Good Blurb.

I like the way you've made this story, but I'm a little confused. Is this supposed to be a longer story? Or is this a RP story? I tell you this is has very good adjectives and a very descriptive way of describing your story. I'd expect this to be in more of a fantasy fiction novel? I can't comment much as you haven't built up the rest of the story, please make it , send a email, and I'll review it.

Thank you

I enjoyed it.

Write on!
Review of Earth: Lost  
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This story and its sequel, Rebel, are both amazing ways of how to make a story based for sci-fi. This reminds me of previous movies such as Wall E , Star Trek and Star Wars. One of the thing that this story impresses me is how the diary entrances are written. They read so easily that I am thoroughly impressed. If there was any suggestions, I'd suggest you improve the wording. I feel the wording is to basic, I reccomand that you use a theasuarus or dictionary. This is not intended to criticize you, but I feel this will just make the story even more tighter.

I do feel sad of how humans have become dependent on everything we have invented. It is true, I myself am one. Why, lets say that the volcano at Yellowstone erupt, we wouldn't be able to surivie, the tsumanis, earthquakes, no. One thing I'd like to point out to the writer is that Humans haven't adapted. We have been given everything to us. And then we ourselves have adapted and made the world within us. We still hold traits from our previous ancestors, and we act just like them. We have only come on this earth and turned it into a living hell. And why is that? It is the reason, the pure greed to take lands. The world has always been natural, and it will be, whatever disaster, it will surivie. There have been trees which have stood for thousands of years, living through every age, EVERY ERA. Humans couldn't adapt to anything unless the conditions were right for them. Of course, this is my opinion, I don't think its right.

I love you how make the character personal, the first person is very powerfully driven, a very excellent way to begin a story. I would easily send this now to Hollywood or the Media, a great screenplay could be made out of this and I believe it. There's a huge AMOUNT of great sci-fi action here. I think if James Cameron was reading this, combine this with George Lucas, Ridely Scott, and Steven Spielberg, this would be the greatest sci-fi story ever.

Again, I am throughly impressed , again, really impressed by this!
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Review of: Who would have thought
Reviewer: Me
Plot: 5/5
Grammar: 5/5
Mode: First person rating: 5/5

I find absouteley nothing wrong with this at all. I am thoroughly, thoroughly, thoroughly impressed by the magnitude and scale in which you have written. 824 words? I find it amazing. The plot intrigued me, the one thing where authors create stories which have different beginnings, we all know of the nerd and pretty woman, but this is even more divulging into the subject. This explores the far outer reach of opposite ends that one day connect. You may think of hot and cold, man and woman, woman and woman, man and man, day and night, sunshine and moon. The two opposite ends have been created into a piece like this.

Is this a true a story? I almost painstakingly believe it is! Haha, this story made me put a grin on my face. I noticed this story on the ''by online authors,'' and this caught my interest, a great, a very great start, here you let your juices flow, not many non-restrictive issues, I find there's nothing I can say in which you can improve. Its already done for me.

Now, regarding the story, it is very true that Internet dating has become one of the most powerful ways of making a relationship happen, but it can lead to a lot of difference! The result you may be expecting will not always what you think it will be. I liked how you made Edi and Mark meet each other, and the way that they connected surprised me. I almost thought at the end that they, as soon as meeting each other, were going to end the relationship! But I didn't find that, what I found was a surprising twist, yes, the male and female may have difficulties in talking each other, but then the female kisses the man, NOW THAT LADIES AND GENTLEMEN IS SOMETHING YOU NEVER SEE IN MOST STORIES, THIS IS A RARE MOMENT, A VERY RARE MOMENT, AND ONE WHICH SHOULDN'T BE FORGOTTEN.

I like these kinds of story very much, do you have any more that I could read? Thanks!

For me, this is perfect!

" Something which could not be imagined has being written in the eyes of the reader.''
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi there Milo

This is a review from the Noticting new newbies. I personally believe this is a great piece of work that could be expanded into a major series. I urge you to consider this, as I don't find any faults in your writing, I have checked through every length, but to no point have I found a mistake that blunders your writing. Impressive and congratulation, I applaud you. The thing is, I will do a in-depth review based on plot, character and writing strength, and more. I don't need to do a review line length as that is not required.


I love the setting you have created. It reminds me of Harry Potter so much, I can compare you to J. K. Rowling. Is your forte based on fantasy writing? If so, I reccomand joining CSFS as this will greatly help you in your fantasy writing adventures. One of the things I've noticed is the excellent detail of analysis of the terrain. Some of the lines I liked were:

The College of Wizards was an ancient place. For centuries it had been here atop the high cliffs that overlooked the violent Western Sea, nearly a castle in its own right. The great keep towered hundreds of feet above the cliff-tops, its windows staring over the surrounding land like ever-watchful eyes, and its spreading walls protected it in a vast semi-circle from one side to the other. The grounds within were filled with gardens of thousands of flowers and its walkways were lit by torches, torches that had no flame but instead were set with pale blue stones which cast a wintery glow across the stone paths.

A) First Paragraph, excellent setting, this is an opening view of the story, I am instantly gripped by it.
B) Excellent use of words, '' atop,'' '' High Cliffs, ''
C) Clearly sets out the plot.

The gates in the outer wall were of some age-old black metal and were not solid, but rather were more like a fence of iron rods held together by a pattern of spirals, formed also of metal. They were open, welcoming, as they always were. A wide, blue-lit path connected the gates to the keep’s wooden doors, open as well.

A) Good use of Adjectives linking the gates , good use again of using spirals, this is a proper metaphor.
B) Do you think you could at this sentence, almost grinning? A wide blue lit was grinning or something? Mischievously, I just think it'll make the story even more intriguing.

Inside the keep were hundreds, perhaps thousands of rooms. And that was only counting the ones directly a part of the keep, for no one knew how many hundreds more lay within the maze of catacombs that wound their way down into the ground. Some of the rooms here were sleeping quarters; others were lined wall-to-wall with shelves containing uncountable numbers of plants, stones, and strange ingredients. Some rooms were completely empty.
A level up, the staircase opened onto an immense hall. At one end was a dais and podium. The rest of the hall was filled with benches, and on these benches were seated hundreds of robed figures. It was a sea of color: robes of deep red, of poison green, of sapphire blue; some were black as night and others a pale grey. The walls that soared overhead were strengthened by ornate stone arches from which hung banners and tapestries emblazoned with innumerable different creatures from mighty bears to serpentine dragons.

A) I see no faults, excellent use of description and describing.

Character and story:

The story begins with a high note and ends in a high note. The word choice is an excellent array displaying the writer's knowledge of vocabulary here. The character depth, especially the wizard(which was my favourite character of the story) has strong dialogue which brings the story to life. You can clearly see the story not just through the writer's eyes, but you can also see the fact that we're seeing from the writers and initially the character's point of view. The descriptions of the Wizard instantly reminded me of Gandalf. Or Dumbledore. This is a highly developed piece of writing that not even the greatest could ever combine to make such a piece like this.

The Story doesn't begin several times, it keeps on sprillaing, each time revealing a new twist, a new intrigue, a new...lets say plot, we are being foreshadowed here , basically saying, The author is letting us know more than the characters in the story may know. Dramatic irony is used quite well. What is that this author aims to achieve here? Is it to create a Harry Potter style, or a new concept? This story can be asking you both at the same time. I also preferably loved the way you introduced the man, the one who was working for the Emperor, for me, this story is quite a revealing spiralling story that I would love to see more. The other thing is, the story doesn't stop at all, it keeps on continually growing and growing.

One of the things you did was you showed was displayed your writing skills. I must say, your writing skills are some of the most highly developed skills I have encountered on this website, especially for a newbie. This piece can be used for writers struggling out there and I am no expert on writing, I struggle as well, but don't let me discourage you. The other thing is that while people may enjoy this, Others may hate it and give you scathing reviews. No matter how much a piece is that good, there will always be the bad in it. My advice is you do not let those '' reviewers'' who claim they give constructive feedback, when actually, they force, and make sure the author cuts the good stuff from the writing. They will criticise you to the utmost extent. Ignore them. Only take what is useful feedback and ignore the rest. Hey, I'm only offering you advice because you are a newbie, and you may not be accomosted to negative reviews, but guess what the good news is? You won't get many of those reviews, you'll get better ones. Because I think this is an excellent piece of writing that further deserves the following:

MB(Merit Badge for best fiction)
250,000 gps.
A ribbon,awarded for best piece of literature.

Now, why am I giving you so much praise? I could have just as done with criticising you or not liking this piece, but believe me, You've made me a fan of your writing. I distinctly love this. This is just too good, too damn good.

And finally

'' An excellent piece, one which is composed to the highest note.''
Review of The Jerk  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I promised you I would check your story. Sorry I took so long, its my fault.

In this case we shall explore how you have improved, what could be done to make it better, and what I feel is great. Now, I will do a line edit for you. You just wait and watch:

I watched the girls at the Malt Shop as they chatted and giggled. They were probably talking about me, Burt the Nerd. I didn’t care because my favorite girl was with them. She was so beautiful, blonde and shapely. I just wanted to ask her to the movie theater, or out to a nice restaurant. It didn’t matter just as long as I was with Dawn Hickman, the most popular girl at Devor High School.

Good opening paragraph. This clearly captures my attention in the first place. Lets say

A) I watched the girls.
B) Good sentence. I am seeing the girls through your character.
C) I think , would this sentence work?

I watched the girls giggling and laughing at the Malt Shop.

D) They were probably talking about me, Burt the nerd.

I'm thinking, could you change the name to '' Bert? '' Or '' Simon?'' Personally I think the name change would do good, but then this is my opinion, feel free to ignore the comments you hate, and take the positive ones. I am not stopping you at all.

. I just wanted to ask her to the movie theater, or out to a nice restaurant

For me, there's one problem:

I think you're telling, not showing. Hey, I suffer from it as well.

Now, your sentence is good , I'm not criticising that, but I think it could be better

I just needed that one chance, just that one chance to ask her out on a date and take her to the movie's, maybe even take her to Bridges.

Now, I've improved the sentence, here you're not telling , but showing. But then, you decide, its upto you of course.

It didn’t matter just as long as I was with Dawn Hickman, the most popular girl at Devor High School.

I have no problem with this at all.

I know my brown eyes were about to pop out of my head from staring at her. She turned to another girl and her purse fell off the counter and skittered toward me. With wings on my feet I rushed to pick up her purse and offered it to her like a knight in shinning armor with a pounding heart.

I'm not sure with the '' wings on my feet. '' That is more like a metaphor you seem to be describing, but then I get the sentence, how about adding the words angel on the '' with wings on my feet like a innocent angel? ''

“Would you go…..?” I started with as much bravo as I could muster.


Does it make sense? I started with. No, try something else like like

I summoned with as much bravo as I could muster.

She turned her back on me and walked out the door with her clutch of admires. “Jerk,” drifted through the air as the door closed behind them.

One problem.

Clutch of admires.

Should be:


How about , clutch of goons, something like that? You know that sentence you made about the knight? Describe the '' clutch of admires'' with metaphors and adjectives.

“She is such a snob,” Jen said. “Come on, I’ll buy you a soda.”

I think you could make the first dialouge a bit more story like.

'' Forget her , burt, she's not worth your time, come, I'll buy you a soda if you like. ''

I am only suggesting where I think it could be better. Please do not feel disheartened. I repeat, I am not criticising you.

Jen, Jennifer Wells, was my best friend who was patting me on the back as if I were still a child needing comfort. We had become friends in grade school when she gave the class bully a black eye for pushing me down the steps. Over the years we had studied, played games, and went to movies together. I didn’t need her sympathy. I swatted her hand away from me and left the Malt Shop. I glanced back at Jen, before the door closed, to see tears falling from her green eyes.

A) Excellent Paragraph.
B) Strong setting
C) Keeps attention.
D) No problems with this one.

As I walked down the sidewalk, the sun didn’t help lighten my mood. I was looking for something to take my mind off Dawn and Jen when I ran into a sign that said, ALICE’S SHOP. Stumbling to catch the sign before it fell over, I sat the sign back up and walked across the street. Just as I was about to pass the entrance to the next store I swear a sign sailed out the door and bumped into me, then fell over. I picked up the sign which said, ALICE’S NOVELITY SHOP. I put the sign next to the building and walked down the street. How many stores dows Alice have I thought, but before I could reach the next street another sign flew through the air, smacked me in the forehead, and knocked me flat on my back in the middle of the sidewalk. Slightly dazed, I crawled to my feet and read the sign, ALICE’S TRUE LOVE SHOP.

A) What sun? Where is this sun? What I mean is, sun should be Capitalized , and I feel, what kind of sun? A gloomy sun? Or a bright sun?
B) Good description of signs, though I'm a bit confused, how could burt just run into a sign and stumble to catch it? It doesn't make sense to me, Shouldn't the sign drop to the ground?
C) Rest of it is fine.

The store front had a thick black tar like stuff that sparkled. I ran my hand over the surface and it felt lumpy but not sticky as I looked through the shop window to see if anyone was there. The shop was dimly lit but I could see someone moving around inside. The words, true love, still bubbled in by brain. If I could get something special for Dawn maybe she would go out with me. Maybe Alice had a love potion I could give her that would make her fall in love with me.

A) Stuff. - Don't put stuff, think of a different word.
B) To remove stuff, here's what I suggest:
The store front had a thick black tar sparkling as if I were in a magic shop.
C) Rest is fine by me.

My decision was made as I eased the shop door open. Bells tinkled like a music box as the door closed. The whir of a ceiling fan caught my attention and I looked up, but the ceiling was rolling with black clouds and sheet lighting. There was no ceiling fan. I looked around the shop in stunned disbelief as the most beautiful woman walked toward me. She was dressed in a black, low cut dress and I don't know if the skirt touched the floor. She was more beautiful than Dawn.

A) Eased? I'm not sure I would add that, when you describe a phsyical action, you wouldn't say with ease unless that character was a proffesional or supernatural. Somehow, how about saying, I entered into the shop?

B) Very good lines:

The whir of a ceiling fan caught my attention and I looked up, but the ceiling was rolling with black clouds and sheet lighting. There was no ceiling fan.

These are your strong points. Remember these sentences, they are your steps to success.

I looked around the shop in stunned disbelief as the most beautiful woman walked toward me.

As I saw the most beautiful woman walked toward me.

“My name is Alice.” The lady said. “May I help you with something?” Her hair was long and black, but it changed to red, then blonde, and back to red again. “I just can’t decide what color to make my hair today,” she smiled.

The lady should be ''She said ''

“Uhhh, yes!” I stuttered. “I’m looking for a gift for a young lady. I need something to make her fall in love with me. Do you have anything that will help me? I mean her.”

Too much full stops.

I suggest, add less full stops, more commas.

“Oh, I'm not sure,” Alice said. “I’ll have to check in the storage room.”

You describe the dialouge, but the action isn't there.

“Oh, I'm not sure,” Alice said to herself, putting her hands to her chin, she suddenly had a bright idea and clicked. “I’ll have to check in the storage room.”

Don't put '' she said.'' or ''he said.'' Because I feel that writers do much more than that, You have the potential, you can write just more than simple basic words such as she said, he said. I believe you CAN DO IT. You HAVE IT IN YOU.

I watched as Alice fade into nothing. The sign must have done more damage to my head than I thought. I rubbed the acne on my forehead and then ran my hand through my mousey brown hair. I heard a noise and thought Alice was back with a love potion but instead a black cat jumped onto the counter.

A) Mistake with the first sentence.
B) Alce fade into nothing.

C) Improved version:

I watched as she faded in front of me.

I rubbed the acne on my forehead

What is this acne? I'd like to know.

‘Where did you come from kitty?” I said and reached out to pet the cat.

Fine by me.

“Don’t mess with the fur,” the cat hissed.

Good, you're getting the tempo now.

Now I’m positive the sign did some damage to my head.

:) That sentence made me grin too much.

“Your head is just fine. Just a little screwed up because you’re a jerk.” The black cat licked its lips and stared at me.

100% excellent.

“I’m not a jerk. My name is Burt.”

“Yep, you’re Burt the Jerk.”

“That’s Burt the Nerd.” I paused and looked at the cat wondering why I say that. “Never mind! I’m looking for something to make my girlfriend fall in love with me.” I’m talking to a black cat as if that was something normal. I rubbed my head again.

I think this sentence could be improved.

I’m talking to a black cat as if that was something normal.

I'm trying to talk to a black cat, as if thats normal!

“How about a Shamrock to bring you good luck, or a bear skin rug to keep her warm,” the cat said as it walked down the counter.

As it walked down the counter alongside me.

I looked at the shelves that held old and frayed books. A table with teapots of any design you could want. Another table held hearts in different sized bottles. Several odd looking brooms stood in the corner. There were more selves of odds and ends and more tables of things I couldn’t begin to describe.

This sentence is good, fine structure. But you should add colour into it. Red hearts, oak, beechwood, make the scene more vibrant with colour, think of your daily things you use in life, describe the colour from it.

“What kind of shop is this?” I a

“It’s just what you wished for Jerk,” the cat purred as it flipped its tail.

I stopped at a table that held an array of bottles. A tall blue one, about twelve inches, caught my eye and I picked it up. Jen’s favorite color I thought. Why am I thinking of Jen? I need to think of Dawn. “What is this bottle for?’

Hmmm...good one.

“It will answer any question you ask it,” the black cat said and jumped onto the table. “You could ask it if you are a jerk or not.”

I ignored the cat and picked up the blue bottle. Smoke swirled inside and black letters appeared in the bottle that said, “Yes, you are a jerk.”

“This is a trick. Bottles don’t have smoke in them and they don’t spell words.” I shook the bottle and the words disappeared.


“It’s not a trick. You ask the bottle the next question.”

The cat stared at me as if it was calling me a chicken. The golden eyes were daring me to ask the bottle a question.


The cat stared at me as if I was a chicken.

“Ok, I’ll give it a try.” I looked at the bottle and ask, “Who will be my true love?”

The smoke swirled and the letters appeared. “Jennifer will be your true love.”

“No! That’s not possible. She’s just a friend,” I yelled at the black cat.

I wanted to date the most popular, most beautiful girl in high school. Not my best friend.

“Dawn is a snob,” the cat hissed and bared it teeth. “The sign should have hit you harder and maybe it would have knocked some sense into your head.”

I agree.

I didn’t remember saying Dawn’s name or Jennifer’s either. The cat and the bottle agreed that Dawn was a snob. Then I remembered how Dawn snub and laughed at me every time I tried to be nice to her. Jen was always there to make me feel better and I just hurt her feeling.

“There you are dear,” the beautiful lady walked through the black curtains from the back storeroom. “I can’t find a thing that will make Dawn fall in love with you.”

I stood with the blue bottle in my hand and watched the beautiful lady slowly turn into an old woman. Her hair went from red to silver.

“I’ll buy this bottle.” I said reaching into my pocket for money.

“It’s on the house,” the cat said as the old woman disappeared before my eyes.

“Thanks,” I muttered.

“Come on Sugar, leave the young man alone,will ya?” the old woman chuckled and disappeared again.

“Sugar?” I laughed.

The cat raised its right front paw and hissed, “Don’t mess with a black cat.”

The ceiling popped and crackled as a lighting bolt speared out of the black clouds. I ran out the front door just in time. The lighting hit the door and ALICE’S TRUE LOVE SHOP vanished. An empty building stood before me with a For Lease sign on the door.

I looked at the bottle in my hand. The smoke had disappeared and there was a light blue ribbon tied in a bow around the its neck. A long stem red rose nestled in the bottle. As I headed back to the Malt Shop and Jen, I heard the cat hiss, “Jerk.”

This is good. Proper good.

If you find my comments useful, I'll be happy, but otherwise, when the story progresses, its easy to read and grin at.

Please remember that I am not critising you, you are welcome to take and dishate my comments.

I hope this has helped you.

Thank you, I enjoyed this very much.
Review of The Jerk  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Constructive feedback...I'm not the best in giving reviews, but here goes one!


You create a well strong rounded character here. The aggorant Male is quite clearly presented here. I think you need more in it, at the moment, I sort of feel like, well, I know your character, the thing is I want to know MORE about him. What DOES he LIKE? What are his INTERESTS? His hobbies? Sorry If I'm being a bit demanding, but I'd like to know more about your character.

But otherwise, the concept of nerd and pretty girl dating, you've managed to capture that picture. Well done for that, I think you could make this story more rounded and heavy in description. At the moment, it feels as if its the bones, and its needs more flesh in it. I love the Cat and the old woman, though I feel a little more description on them will do good.

Believe me, this story has a massive potential to gain a 5 star. I'll teach you how in our next part:

What I liked:

Good strong setting
Well rounded Characters
Likeable, easy to read story
Good description of events and scenes
Overall, a very easy story to read

What I think can be improved:

You said here that you struggle with commas, I do as well, its a thing many new writers always struggle with. So I'll list out examples from where you can improve

“Come on Sugar. Leave the young man alone,” the old woman said and disappeared again.

A) Sugar should be a comma
B)the should be capitalized
C) Said and disappeared again.

Those are three issues I've pointed out here

Lets write out a re-improved version.

'' Come on Sugar, leave the young man alone will ya? '' The Old Lady chuckled and disappeared in a huff.

If you want more advice on constructing your sentences to make it even more interesting, email me and I'll fix your stuff as well as I can


I feel the description needs more improvement. Its rather more like a LIST than a actual descriptive piece of writing. I reccomand you take part in competitions, New Horizons Academy, to further improve it. Your description is good, but I feel it could be shorter and more witty, do you understand what I mean? I'm telling you to reform this paragraph, and make a longer version. Don't be afraid to describe everything you see, make a mind map, and list what you'd find in any store. That helps me as I know what I'm writing, but this will help you in your descriptive writing.

My decision was made as I eased the shop door open. Bells tinkled like a music box as the door closed. The whir of a ceiling fan caught my attention and I looked up, but the ceiling was rolling with black clouds and sheet lighting. There was no ceiling fan. I looked around the shop in stunned disbelief as the most beautiful woman walked toward me. She was more beautiful than Dawn.

Writing and Grammar:

On the whole, around 2.5 , You remind me much of myself, I started out writing like this in the first place, But I'm improved,. be warned, others may not like your story so don't think you'll be getting praise for every minute, you have to work hard to get it. And I mean work hard. All these famous celebrities didn't get there so easily. No one who is famous has ever got through life so easily. This is intended as a piece of advice for you as you rise up the ranks.

I think Grammar could be improved. For this I reccomand using free online grammar, sentence, and spell check, also use a theasaures, and a dictionary.

I also think you could add more to your description to make it even more interesting, don't be afraid to venture out things, write it down and then see whether or not you think it works.

Tips for getting a 5 star:

Enter Competitons
Get In-depth reviews, it will benefit you massively
Re-structure your sentences, think, how else could you improve that sentance? Is there any way you can improve it?
Draw mind maps to make sure you know what you're describing
Set yourself tasks to improve your writing.

Review of Suited  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I must say, what a story! What a story! I'm already clapping as I'm typing at the same time. I just saw this because it said that you transferred those cards into humans beings. Now I could be here saying ''oh what a - '' but no. For you to do this, requires imagination. I'm already wanting to sponsor this.

This story, in actual terms, is very good in content. Here, you've made a very effective short story which can be made by professional's. You do know you can prolong this? I'd like to see a sequel. But , at the ending you say they will wipe out each other? No, No, don't do that. Rather make this a series. Because I see huge potential in this, I can you see becoming famous for this, you see my meaning? Your story has the guts, it's like Alice in Wonderland, I liked the way you've started this, very funny dialogue and just a few corrections needed, but otherwise, it's all great.

Secondly, Make this short story into a novel. You could that this is your introduction, and then write a good strong start for the novel, you could publish it as a short story if you wanted too. Because this could be turned into a film. This could, you need to write the novel, promise me that. Because for someone to have such a good imagination will be able to rule the world. You have that. You're very lucky to have me reviewing you because even if a story is that bad too me, I will still give it a positive review and say where they could improve.

Thirdly, I could see this as Suited, on a novel. And then the intro, and then the plot, and then the actual books, let say we could have a princess? A royal family? A man and a woman? Higher positions in the Kingdom? Because this is like Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland. I'm telling to acutally make a sequel. I've love to see the sequel.

Fourthly, there a few mistakes that just need to be corrected.

“Careful! Now, I need to talk to the King and Queen of Diamonds”
“Of course, Queen of Hearts, of course”

You say '' of course'' , but who is acutally saying this? Is it the Guards or you could a new character to say like

'' Of course, Queen of Hearts. '' The Guard replied and bowed

I'm not sure thats right, but something like that?

Fifthly, there are strong sentences and where you actually create it to make a wonderful impact.

The man wiped out the remaining Clubs, at the same time, a city away, the King of Hearts and the Ace of Diamonds took care of the King and Queen of Clubs, erasing the suit from the war. In the land of the Diamonds, the Joker had just rid the world of the evil Queen of Hearts, and was reporting to his King and Queen

You mention '' wiped out the remaining clubs, at the same time.' Here, you've showed writing quality. I myself am not able to capture the very grasp of shortening the sentences to make sure it's perfect.

The man who had explained this all, was an unknown member of the land, with an “R” on his chest plate. He wielded a blade with a particular handle; the bottom of it had an onyx jewel, in the shape of a spade.

But who is this man? He intriuges me a lot, who is he? The friend of the Ace of Hearts?

Anyway, the grammar and spelling are quite good. The story is wonderful, and I'd like to see sequels for this. Email me back.
Rated: E | (5.0)
A very excellent poem. It almost bought me tears to my eyes. It reminds me of Coldplay's song, yellow. It is excellent.

The stanzas and the words do describe the actual feelings of love. I'd love to have a wife, but it reminds me of my girlfriend, who I broke up with last year. But year by year, I miss her very much.

Your poem has reminded me of her:(:) , I miss her, anyway, the lines are perfecterly written. I wouldn't change anything for it in the world.

Anyway, a really good poem.
Review of A Man and a Guru  
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Ah ha!

Now that was briliant!

I loved this punchline:

“It sounds like I got back someone who may be better than who left seven months ago. He won’t need a motel room tonight.”

Some very good description,and is this 3-2rd person?If so,then you've described really well.The description is fantastic,and the meanings of what you say,well are in the dialouge are simply brill.Reminds me of Dale Carnigie.I loved how you managed to make this story,because it would however,be diffcult to make,but you did it.Serisouly excellent and I would award this a badge.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well I think I know you now!

What's good about this poem is,could it be your about your life? Because I'm guessing so ,its a sad poem,with how she describes her life is broken,so then what happened to the girl?What was it that made her life broken,aslo is this a somg?Amazingly,I think your poem remarkably compares to a song,its called in life in techicolour 2,b y coldplay,.But I think you will see the contrast.:)

There's a wild wind blowing
Down the corner of my street
Every night there the headlights are glowing
You’d know there's a solid wall
Meant for keeping strangers out.

There's a cold war coming,
On the radio I heard
Baby it's a violent world

Oh, love, don't let me go
Won't you take me where the streetlights glow
I can hear it coming
I can hear the siren sound
Now my feet won't touch the ground

And received wounds every time.
Slowly, the wall is getting thicker,
One day, it may stay like that forever.

Time came a-creeping
Oh and time's a loaded gun
Every road is a ray of light
It goes o-o-o-on
Time'll leak and lead you on
Still it's such a beautiful night

There is no way to fix it,
Believe me, I’ve tried.
I’ve just gotta learn to sow
To patch up these holes,
And maybe move on with my life.

Oh oh love, don't let me go
Won't you take me where the streetlights glow
I can hear it coming

You’d know music's my thing
Cause with its sweet melody
I get peace and harmony.
When things bring me down,
Music is surely there
To help me up, no matter where.

Like a serenade of sound
Now my feet won't touch the ground

Gravity release me,
And don't ever hold me down
Now my feet won't touch the ground

Do you see where I've highlighted the song and poem,it remakrably compares well and I feel for you,I have a feeling,Have I seem you somehwere before?Do you know a guy called Marshall of the empire?

I just want to know,I think I've seen you somewhere before,anywa,This poem is brilliant,EXCELLENT DISCRIPTION AND SPELLING,over all its wonderful
Review of The Assassin  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

This has amazed me,you know what I ...just reviewed 3 great stories and this is the fourth one.The fourth one.

The creature that stared back at him was not anyone he recognised, although it was of his own making.
For the first time in the man’s life he properly looked back at what he had achieved and done, and a sudden truth and realisation hit home.
He had spent his entire life running and searching for his family’s murderer, and done countless unmentionable things in order to get there. However in that time he had been so thoroughly consumed by hatred and thoughts of revenge; that he never stopped to think or look at what he had become.The man abruptly turned away from the mirror in revolt and disgust. Without warning the harrowing faces of all his former victims flashed before his eyes. Each and every one of them had begged with him before they had died and he had just laughed. The eerie explosion of voices consumed him now each one getting louder and louder. Only to be ended by their individual screams and shouts as gunfire cut them off.Flashback after flashback, vision after vision, memory after memory. All ending in death, all repeating inside his head.“NO!” he screamed, firmly plunging his fist into the mirror behind him. His hand, now bloody and broken curled up by his side and his breath came out in short rasps.Except the voices never stopped they kept going on and on.His fingers began to repeatedly rake through his filthy matted hair, as if to claw away all the thoughts and memories from his head.He pulled his hands away and back to his side. Tears cascaded down his crippled face, he bent down to his knees and retrieved his gun from the blood stained carpet.
Review of Remember Anna  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This has bought me tears into yourstory.

Is this a true story?For I am deeply saddened by the death of Anna.I don't know why it's as if....I already know her....

I love this story,I think it is a perfect example for people out there who are lazy or no ambition.

I like the way you used words,and how you managed to make into a good narrative,the first person is brilliant.Such a real shame.I never knew a story could make you cry.You achieved in what?900 words or so?Most books I've read are epic,but this is the first time I've ever seen a story,I've ever seen a story that can make you cry,mostly films do that,but your song reminds of Viva La Vida(Coldplay) and Life in techincolour.Its making me cry now...Why?

This has truly amazed me,and you are a writer of born talent.I am saddened.I want the happy ending please?Sorry If I seem so weird,but this has truly taken me by the heart.You are a powerful writer.Maybe you did not feel something,But I did.This was like watching a movie:)

I am sad,It brings me back memories,My Grandfather died in 2005,I never got to know him that much,My mother's grandfather died when I was like 3 or 2?A shame,It....is amazing,your story just bought back life into me and hope,despite the fact that those dearly beloved leave us,we must accept it.It is bloody but we must take it,there's nothing else then feeling cold-hearted which will turn you cold.

I just want to know
Is this a true story?

Now all I have left to say is nothing.Nothing,I don't know when,But I ask God,please,one day,just come and make our life happy again,please...there is nothing left to say is there?
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A clever,clever written essay.Clearly well expressed from a Immigrant's point of view and one that would certainly blow away all the racists,haters and mad people.

You show how amercia has changed.

''When you drop the massive buildings, the freeways, the cars, the fancy malls and the glamour, beneath it all is Joe, my neighbor, who has showered me with kindness and generosity, for no apparent reason, since I have here. Underneath all that is my friend, Ernest, who is fluent in Spanish and French, who has been a steady friend and supported me through this time of transition. There is Keith, an engineer who can build a plane from scratch, but whose creative passion for making and painting model planes produces art that will take your breath away. A Spanish lady brings me tamales and Mexican delicacies at work, simply saying, “You work a lot.” Before I reached America, when my grandma was alone here, the Indian shopkeeper at the corner would insist on driving her home every time she shopped at his store, thinking she was too old to walk. I knew a nurse who quit her job so she could go to Haiti to help the needy. And when my grandma was ill, my boss called me at work from the hospital, saying, “Don’t worry. I am here with her.” ''

This is a brilliant example.

What hungers me even more close is how you thought amercia was in your youths,you made some very interesting comparisons about how Persia and greece,and how persia was a fariytale land and it was the dreams of the world,but somehow when the greeks invaded,it was a entirely different matter.

As a matter of fact this is would be a A*.Its logical,very clever written,great use of Vocabulary and how you ,show life in amercia is.Its strange why people want to go to amercia,they go their,their dream bust
they go ,dream made.

People's views are represented,your view is and that fact you keep on reminding us that amercia has been replaced,but no knows what has replaced it,you also show the fact that nearly all amercians are descended from Immigrants,its history,and how you use the word 'SHE' to emphasis Amercia,I was born in Chicago,But Now I live in the UK .

Interesting comparisons,a wide range of contrast and how you keep on reminding us what amercia is all about,it is such a good speech that even the Obama could use this terrific speech now,Its well written for a argument.I won't say much but clearly I can understand your point of view here.

I also thought the same on what to write about Amercia,but it seems like you've beaten me there!

Flower Power Auction  (E)
Ended ~ Packages Being Fulfilled ~ Great Auction ~ Thanks to all
#1774430 by Maryann

~~ID format item link - {{iditem:1774430}
Review of The Dreamer  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Throughly entertaining.Amazing.Paradoxical,you reviewed my book,and I am grateful,in return I am doing the same.

I like how you explore the relations between Human Evolution.But what is so essential is that you've kept the story from falling.It would have failed had you not put the student -teacher conversation in,If you had written it,the teacher would have been forgetting stuff,you could do another way of when the student is bored,perhaps then the teacher could explain?

I don't know how but this story already can be published into a book.There are a huge amount of ways this can be taken in,Its a great example for those doing GSCE or SCE or WJEC english.I believe this is what the exanimaners would like.

The students start off by saying they had been promised ice cream,But the teacher reluctantly gives them.Then it is explored how the teacher talks to Jack.He uses a contrast between Enistein,Darwin,it is aslo shown that he suggest how evolving came and that we would be evolved from Dophlins not Apes,as a range is show of how Humans are different towards Apes,Jack listens,but in the end ,the teacher explains it is impossible that it would happen,there is not enough evidence to support it.However it could be possible if there were evidence.He aslo expalins how scientists these days are too confused with what they have and what they could be doing now to beneift Humans.

“Have you ever heard of the missing link?”

The Missing Link theroy works very well.

Let us list here the sentences I could use to improve my writing and others.

Keiran whispered, just loud enough to reach his teacher's ever vigilant ear.

His comment only served to burn the sorrow deeper into the unblemished face before him. Mr Baxter sighed, and decided on a final gambit.

The pair turned back to the pool, and watched silently as the dolphins effortlessly towed their trainers through the water, a knowing smile permanently etched on their faces.

“Well, I wouldn't go that far. All a rational scientist can ever say these days is that it seems highly improbable. Those infernal quantum physicists and their conceptual cats have deprived us of all certainty, for the time being.”

Disappointment laced Jack's words, the agony of having a thought crushed flowing through like a wave of uncertainty
“The problem, oftentimes, is that many possibilities are disregarded as being impossible without being given the proper consideration. It is all too easy to blindly follow the beaten path.” His hand reached up to clear the perspiration that was gathering in his eyebrows, “however, the real progress is made by those who push far outside what is considered to be the truth

Jack's gaze remained focused on his teacher.

Great way of description,top on,spot on really!

This story proves much more than you could ever imagine.Fantastic Dialouge,Fantastic Description,Fantastic style,top spot it reads like what'd you expect in a Novel,If only I could learn from you!Go for it,send this story to the publishers now!In Fact,I am a fan of this story,how come no one came and read this wonderful story!You MUST BE MAD!To even think of letting this go!It thoroughly gripped me like hell!Man,this is another great basis for a Move screenplay,Tv Scripts,drama scripts,hell I'd like to see this in the UK!

Just some questions:

What inspired you to write this story?

What did you like most?

Were there any parts that were easy and difficult to write?

Did you enjoy writing this story?How?What is your best moment in this story?And such a impact,do explain

How do you keep Jack so relaxed?He could do anything he wanted,how?

Is the teacher a English teacher or a science teacher?

Overall how well do you think you did?Our readers would like to know!


Now for the last bits

I just love your whole story...I want to copy and paste.

Mr Baxter allowed a wry smile to pass his lips. “I hope you're right kiddo. I really do.”

He paused for a breath, his brow furrowed with the effort of concentration

Once you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.”

If Copernicus, or Darwin, or Einstein had not alienated themselves from the theories of their contemporaries, we could still be living in the centre of the universe, on a 12,000 year old planet with absolutely no idea about the nature of the fabric of our reality.”

“In reality, dolphins can have a nasty streak too, you know. They bully, and kill, just the same as the rest of the animal kingdom.”

“Maybe we just haven't evolved far enough yet to realise that we can choose. Maybe in the future we will be able to stop hurting each other.”

That makes a Maximilian impact.That is the punchline,that is clever.You have spent a lot of effort into this,it must be hard to write stories like this, basically the fact this contains a lot of science should not bore people down,you've combined it and fabricated it with fiction as well to make it stand out,this hell goes well with other things!

It deserves reviews from all groups here.CSFS,loads.This is a rare gem.

Compelety good, thoroughly breath-taking,pops your eyes out,very stylish ,shown what could be thought into today's Education,a fitting lesson for teachers,students,anyone doing exams,read this and you will know so much that you yourself would pass your exam.This book is amazing,I could not cancel this at all!I love it!Your whole body is put into paralyzing by the powerful writing put into here.Its hypnotic,like watching amercia's got talent or Britain's got talent,or a BBC Drama TV script.Develops for a Poem.Powerful writing,powerful dialouge,powerful description,powerful everything.This story has the potential to become the number one used stories in the world,everyone would use it,exams,skills,learning, education,reading,enjoying

Flower Power Auction  [E]
Ended ~ Packages Being Fulfilled ~ Great Auction ~ Thanks to all
by Maryann

and this ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

"Invalid Item

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Review of Ode To Melanie  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This is a good thriller action story.Great how you add the horror in it.

And that means, you shouldn’t have fucked with me, asshole.”

Exactly,I am compelety with her.Her poem was good,I feel epic you know,......your story has numbed me,it is what critism can do to damage lives,I never loved it.

I can see how you explore the relationship of the teacher and the student,Quite frankly I enjoy reading,Only those that criticize are fools.They have no taste,and they are nothing more than saddened people.

However it is wrong to say this to a young student.It would bring them down,I would ban this anyway,Young people should be learned on how to tackle critism.

Your story does have the basis for a excellent Psychological-Horror-Thriller movie.It is enriched with Dialouge I've never seen before, Excellent conscription, Description,great way of describing it and the teacher should have thought before he spoke.


"Invalid Item

Review of Fallen Kingdoms  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I see,Great that you've added stuff in.I dont have much time,So I'll make it quick.

Its brilliant,but what is Yoshimito Imagawa doing in China?That is what I want to know,otherwise this can be a very good story.I mean a great movie,.I like this really do.

I would like to see more,maybe some conflict between the Japanese and chinese?

Flower Power Auction  [E]
Ended ~ Packages Being Fulfilled ~ Great Auction ~ Thanks to all
by Maryann

and this ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A very well done effort.I love how've you compared this.Napoleon was a general,Hilter a killer.

There are good points here,and I think it desevres a 5 star rating.Excellent.

The human kind is so complex that actually history in more comical, ironic, tragic and diverse than any fairy tale story ever told. As an old buddy once told me on a construction site, “you just can’t make this s*** up”.

Yep,completley agree with you.

I like this,really do.

Flower Power Auction  [E]
Ended ~ Packages Being Fulfilled ~ Great Auction ~ Thanks to all
by Maryann

and this ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

It is one of the lost stories of our century.

Review of Poisoned Words  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Flower Power Auction  [E]
Ended ~ Packages Being Fulfilled ~ Great Auction ~ Thanks to all
by Maryann

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Ok,to start with this.This is bloody Brilliant.A bloody message drawn in blood I must say.A fantastic poem.

Here you talk how people let foolish people thrive.You aslo compare of how 'But that's the past,' I'm sure you scoff.
Opinions fill your pocket full, how people forget the past

Take gossip as gospel if it sells,
Reveal the beggar's hidden wealth,
The rich, you're sure, would move to hell,

A excellent point.

Worship those who wish for fame,
Be mouth and ear to those who boast,
They have no brilliance and no shame,
So clink your glass and join the toast.
We need old heroes more so now,
Or even those who'll sing their songs
For fools are being asked to bow
And there is so clearly something wrong.

That is a effective line.

Worship those who wish for fame,
Be mouth and ear to those who boast,

It is very prpfessinal,something Brian Tracy would use and I would use,this poem is a life saver for people starting this new world.And a good one aslo.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Thats a very nice wa of reminding us of what we,humans are destorying our world....its to powerful,seriously excllent use.You should have meaintoned racisim and sex disricimanton a well.Wih you being 13,You did something really good and really excelent,write...and write...you should sucess in your exam!
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
That is a very debateful agreement.

The real conclusion I come to here is what it might be will never be known until we are dead and gone and all our life choices are made. Each choice in our lives leads us to a different path until we meet our demise. Only then will we know what it really was.


Whoops,dont have much time,But I thought you raised some really good points.I think Humanity could learn some lessons from this.
Review of American Suffrage  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
k..is there any more?

I like this story really do.

Quite amazing way of style,descriptive way.yah you uesd everything in this.Its amazing how you represent the woman's sufferage.

Will nora forgive her husband?I want to read more,really do,really do,
Review of Music These Days  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a very interesting subject you bring up.

You use a lot of contrast in this,I could see this type of text in a GSCE exam or something like that

people have a style or type of music they lean towards like rap or Country and so on and so forth. What is interesting is the things that are being said are far different than what music was about in the past. The topics have drastically changed since the days of say Sinatra or Bing Crosby.

Thats a good point,you're contrasting and using a wide range of techniqes.So for example you say that peple lan towards rap or country music.While you compare it to the good ol' days

Why? Maybe the world is just a different place, or maybe because of what we pollute our minds and our children’s minds with makes us behave different and in turn that has made our culture into something far different than it used to be.

I can agree on that point.People are too divided in this world.
Review of Chipped  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Good story,But its sad....Can I read more?
Review of Rebel, Rebel  
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is amazing,its quite similar to the film 'I am Legend'.

There could be more added to this,Your descriptive style is amazing!I would love to read more
37 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 2 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/takeda