This is a WDC Angel Army review of: Mercyon (Prologue – The Path of the Revenant) by Evernight   .
Review by Tee, a member of the Crosstimbers Novel Workshop and the WDC Angel Army. I’m happy to share some thoughts on your work. I offer these comments as suggestions, in the spirit of growth and respect for your vision. Please keep what serves your work and set aside the rest.
Thank you for sharing this ambitious opening to your story. Because of the length of this work, I’ll be breaking my review into two parts so I can give each section the attention it deserves. This first installment does a nice job of establishing a grand, epic atmosphere while introducing readers to a world already in the middle of catastrophe.
My Thoughts
This prologue immediately creates the feeling that readers have stepped into a much larger history. The opening passage reads almost like an ancient prophecy or legend, hinting at powerful forces, sacrifice, and a mythology that extends far beyond the immediate events. Once the story shifts to Gambit, the pace accelerates dramatically, and his desperation to find Lancer gives the chaos an emotional anchor. Even without knowing the full relationship between the characters, it is easy to understand the fear and urgency driving his actions.
The biggest challenge for me was following the action at times. There is a great deal happening very quickly, and because of the frequent sentence fragments and punctuation issues, I occasionally had to reread passages to understand exactly what was occurring. The story itself is intriguing, but the presentation sometimes obscures the strength of your ideas.
What I Liked
I liked the epic, almost biblical tone of the opening prophecy. It immediately suggested a rich mythology behind your world.
Gambit’s emotional connection to Lancer came across clearly and made his desperation believable.
The destruction of Galloway and the overwhelming scale of the attack created vivid, cinematic imagery.
The ending with the commander’s reference to the “Rising Blaze of the Revenant” was an excellent hook that left me curious to continue reading.
Helpful Hints
1. Spend some time editing punctuation, capitalization, and dialogue formatting. Cleaning these areas up will make the story much easier to follow and allow your world-building to shine.
2. Consider combining some of the shorter, fragmented sentences into smoother paragraphs. The pacing is already intense, so slightly longer sentences in places will actually make the action feel clearer rather than slower.
3. Watch for small grammatical issues and repeated wording. There are several places where missing words, repeated words, or inconsistent tense briefly interrupted my reading experience.
***This is just a few of the Needed Corrections
Needed Corrections
• Correct punctuation throughout. There are many places where periods interrupt sentences unnecessarily. For example:
o “The surroundings were engulfed by soldiers. Swarms of ships hovered above…” could flow more smoothly as one sentence.
o “Around him, the sound of Hundreds. footsteps…” contains an unnecessary period.
• Separate each speaker into a new paragraph. Several conversations run together, making it difficult to tell who is speaking.
o Example:
“Just tell me where he is, Cassie…”
“Please calm down…”
“I can’t just go back…”
Each change of speaker should begin a new paragraph.
• Reduce sentence fragments where they interrupt the flow.
o Examples:
“Pale ghost eyes.”
“A blade of grass.”
“His voice became heavy.”
Fragments can be effective, but using too many in succession makes the narrative feel choppy.
• Correct capitalization.
o Examples:
Hundreds does not need to be capitalized.
Random capitalization of words like Grasping, Firmly, Blaze, etc., unless there is a specific stylistic reason.
• Fix repeated words and awkward wording.
o Examples:
“I, I…”
“Please Cassie You have to let me go.”
“You have to let me you have to let me go.”
• Add missing words or correct incomplete sentences.
o Example:
“Who knows what kind of state his in…” should be “he’s in.”
• Maintain consistent verb tense.
o There are places where narration shifts between past and present within the same paragraph.
• Proofread for typographical errors.
o Examples:
Extra spaces before quotation marks.
Periods inserted in the middle of sentences.
Missing commas in dialogue.
Final Thoughts
Overall, this first part introduces an imaginative fantasy world filled with mystery, danger, and emotional stakes. The strongest parts for me were the mythic opening, Gambit’s determination, and the sense that there is a much larger story waiting to unfold.
Part 2:
As I mentioned in Part One, I chose to divide this review into two parts so I could give this lengthy work the attention it deserves. This section builds nicely on the emotional foundation established earlier and ends with a memorable, dramatic reveal.
My Thoughts
This second half shifts from urgency into suspense before delivering a powerful climax. Gambit’s determination to fulfill his promise gives the journey emotional weight, and his memories of growing up with Lancer help readers understand why he refuses to give up. The discovery of the battlefield is both haunting and visually striking, and the final image of Lancer standing amid the destruction with the blazing red scythe is an excellent ending that leaves readers eager to continue.
As with Part One, I occasionally found myself slowed by punctuation, sentence structure, and dialogue formatting. There are many wonderful images and ideas here, but polishing the mechanics would allow those moments to have an even greater impact.
What I Liked
I liked how Gambit’s memories added depth to his relationship with Lancer and made his search feel deeply personal.
The imagery throughout the ruined training ground was vivid and created a strong sense of devastation.
The reveal of the defeated creatures and the mysterious crimson wounds was both eerie and impressive.
The closing scene with Lancer turning to face Gambit was an outstanding cliffhanger and made me want to read the next chapter.
Helpful Hints
1. Continue refining punctuation and paragraph structure, especially during action scenes and dialogue. Clearer formatting will make it easier for readers to stay immersed in the story.
2. Watch for repeated descriptions and extra words that occasionally slow the pacing. Tightening a few passages will make the strongest moments stand out even more.
3. Consider varying sentence length. Mixing some longer, flowing sentences with the shorter dramatic ones will create an even stronger rhythm throughout the narrative.
Part 2 –This is just a few of the Needed Corrections
Needed Corrections
• Correct punctuation throughout the chapter.
o Examples:
“The only lights left was…” should be “were.”
“He found him! He finally found him!” works well, but surrounding punctuation often breaks the flow.
• Separate dialogue by speaker.
o When Gambit speaks and another character responds, each speaker should begin a new paragraph.
• Reduce excessive sentence fragments.
o Examples:
“Dark and barren.”
“Standing. gracefully…”
“Blazing, but hollow.”
These can often be joined to the surrounding sentence for smoother reading.
• Tighten repeated descriptions.
o Several passages repeat similar imagery:
Burning… blazing… scorching… ravaging…
Choosing one or two powerful descriptors often creates a stronger impact.
• Correct grammar.
o Examples:
“The only lights left was…” → were
“The monster’s corpse rolled over And On its chest…” contains unnecessary capitalization.
• Clarify pronouns.
o At times “he,” “they,” and “his” become difficult to follow because several characters are present.
• Correct awkward wording.
o Examples:
“His body shutter…” should likely be “shuddered.”
“The guards chasing him suddenly grinded into a halt.” would read better as “ground to a halt.”
• Proofread for spelling and typographical errors.
o Examples:
gourds instead of guards.
Kentorted instead of contorted.
bodys instead of bodies.
Missing apostrophes and inconsistent spacing throughout.
Final Thoughts
Don't let all the suggestions and corrections discourage you. I have listed all of this only to help you see where you might make improvements. Remember what is written in this review is only one person's opinion.
Overall, this second part strengthens the emotional stakes while expanding the mystery surrounding Lancer and the Revenant. The strongest parts for me were Gambit’s unwavering loyalty, the haunting battlefield imagery, and the unforgettable final reveal. Together, these two parts create an intriguing beginning that promises an epic story ahead. Thank you again for sharing your work.
Kind wishes,
Tee
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