This is a review of: Bitten - Intro
I had to slow down with this piece and read it more than once before it fully clicked
for me. At first, the opening felt quiet and almost distant, but the longer I sat with it, the more I understood what you were doing.
What really stood out to me is the shared theme running through both sections: the weight of small choices and how character is revealed in moments that don’t look dramatic on the surface. Destor’s coins growing heavier, and the professor’s careful judgment of who deserves his time, echo each other in a subtle but meaningful way.
This isn’t a story that explains itself outright. It trusts the reader to notice connections and sit with the discomfort of moral decisions, and I respect that. Once it came together for me, it felt thoughtful and intentional.
If I were helping you get this published these would be my notes:
You wrote: “And still, the two coins in his pocket grew heavier as he walked.”
Grammatically correct, but stylistically a bit awkward.
A smoother option (optional): “Still, the two coins in his pocket grew heavier with each step.”
In the second section, paragraph 3 need clarity:
“The rest was space for work, covered by an empty binder and two stacks of papers.”
This is understandable, but slightly unclear.
Optional clarity tweak: “The remaining space was reserved for work, occupied by an empty
binder and two stacks of papers.”
“He went into his thoughts for a moment, surfacing everything he’s heard and learned.”
Tense shift.
Suggestion: “he’d heard and learned” (past perfect fits better here)
In the Dineen paragraph:
“She seemed to just show up one day.”
This is perhaps stylistic, but I recommend tighter prose: “She seemed to have simply appeared one day.”
“He didn’t know why, as it was safer in the city.”
Slight ambiguity about who feels it’s safer.
Optional clarity: “He didn’t know why Monet chose that life, since the city was safer.”
“That kindness, as proven by the sheer amount of people…”
→ “number of people” (people = countable noun)
Final paragraph suggestion:
“These were the three he’d have to hunt down on campus tomorrow.”
Works fine, but “hunt down” is a bit strong compared to the calm tone.
Optional alternative with a softer tone “seek out” or “track down”
I’m not sure this reads as an intro yet. I’m still unsure how the opening scene and the professor’s scene connect, or which thread I’m meant to follow. The writing itself is thoughtful; you need a bit more context or orientation to fully engage with it at the start of a story.
Big Picture
1. No plot-breaking issues
2. No continuity errors
3. No confusing POV shifts
4. Just light polish and a few grammar tweak suggestions.
Let me break this down gently and clearly. This doesn’t feel like an intro.
An intro (or opening chapter) usually does at least one of these:
1. Establishes who the story is about
2. Gives us a situation we can emotionally follow
3. Signals what kind of story we’re entering
This story doesn’t quite do that yet. It shows scenes, but it doesn’t anchor them.
Why it doesn’t quite work as a prologue either.
A prologue usually:
1. Shows an event that matters later
2. Introduces a theme, danger, or mystery that will echo
3. Feels clearly separate in time or perspective from Chapter One
Here’s the problem:
We don’t yet know why the opening scene with Destor and the coins matters,
or how it connects to the professor scene. Without that connective tissue,
it reads like two unrelated vignettes placed back-to-back.
So, you left the reader asking:
1. Is Destor important?
2. Is the professor important?
3. Are these scenes connected thematically or literally?
4. Which one am I supposed to emotionally attach to?
None of those questions are answered yet, and that’s why it
Seems a little confusing rather than intriguing.
What is working:
• The tone is consistent (quiet, observant, restrained)
• The themes seem to circle around isolation, judgment, morality, and choice
• The imagery (coins, lavender plant losing color, “consider” vs “do not”) is symbolic and intentional
But symbolism only works when the reader has something concrete to hold onto first.
You are missing (the key issue) and context.
Even a single line could fix this, for example:
• A hint that Destor will become one of the students
• A hint that the professor’s choice will affect Destor’s fate
• A clearer label like “Elsewhere”, “Earlier”, or “Later” to orient the reader
Right now, it feels like you are saying: “Trust me, this matters — but
I’m not telling you how yet.” That’s a risky move, especially at the very start of a story.
If this is an intro, it needs grounding.
If it is a prologue, it needs a clearer promise of relevance.
Please remember that all these suggestions are my opinion. You know your
story and how you want it to land. I am truly trying to be helpful and encourage
you to think about how the reader or a publisher would see this story.
Keep writing and consider these suggestions or not. I hope I have not discouraged
You because this story is intriguing, I wanted to show you a way to make it better.
Best of luck with your work.
Kind wishes,
Tee
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| (4.0)
| (4.5)
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