your poem has a good flow to it and tells a story effectively of someone suppressing their awareness of another's two faced ways. The only issue with this poem is the lack of punctuation, which helps convey the emotion and feeling behind the words. If you get a chance to go back and put in your comma, full stops etc it woudl give it more punch and bring out your eloquent language. This is my opinion.
I thought this was great. It's got a lovely flow to it with simple effective language. If I could make a couple of suggestions to tighten it up. In the first verse; We met on one hot summer's night. (summer's)
Two strangers sitting in dim-lit light. (take out the)
Gentle music rolled upon evening air. (take out the)
Our eyes locked in flirtatious stare. (take out a)
You smiled at me, the silence broke, (take out and)
My heart pounding with words you spoke (take out the)
3rd verse, seems that tense is a bit confused in the last line.
Little points which don't detract from the poem too much.
Hi, I liked this and thought you did a good job continuing with the personification of the elements. You captured the scene effectively, with your imagery. I kept going over the second last verse, for some reason the words'charred bodies' kept jarring a bit, and seemed to interrupt the flow, though it ties in with the first line, maybe play about with the sequence of the lines in this verse. just a thought. Otherwise well written.
I like this poem, it conveys very well how we can build layers between ourselves and others in the world due to the fear of, or because of betrayal. The only weakness i've found is in your use of tenses at the end, you flow so well in the past tense, change tense at the third last line, which is fine, but moving back to the past tense in the second last line jars a bit. That's just my view, but otherwise, really good.
Fabulous, short, alluring, succinct. I'm not a fan of vampire stories but the way you described different senses made me want to keep reading. You have a great ability to move between description and action which drives the story forward and keeps the readers in touch.
I really like this poem. You have such an ability to give an overview of your life in a sharp humorous way. You say so much in this poem, yet you leave so much unsaid and up to us the readers to imagine what happened in certain areas of your life. You draw us in, while keeping yourself distant. Really good.
Every parents nightmare, so well described here. You have such a good flow in this poem bringing the situation to life and the tension directly to the reader right from the beginning. The immediate thoughts you describe are precisely in the order a parent would go through in their head. Really good in every way, form, structure and flow.
A weird and wonderful poem. Its quite funny with the rhythm lending itself to the chase within the poem itself, very lighthearted and one that my children would enjoy as much as I have.
I loved this piece, for two reasons. First of all I'm a Newbie and your title drew me in straight away. Secondly, the factual information contained in your story is exactly the information I need right now without getting lost in the maze of information contained in this wonderful site. The way you combined the fictional with the factual from the title onwards is brilliant. Your story flows with a language that is simple but punchy and you guide me as a reader and importantly as a Newbie through the lovely simple story but also through the site area I want to get to right now. You have a lovely style with a dialogue that reads easily. Very impressed.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/thenightowl
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.30 seconds at 7:22pm on Apr 19, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
