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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/theresa333
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6 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Rapunzel
Rated: E | (2.5)
I like the idea of this poem, but there are just too many grammatical errors for this piece to win any placement in the "Invalid Item. For example:

Ingtrigue just by the sound of your breath.
Should be spelled "intrigue." And do you mean "intrigued"?

I'm patience if you will listen to me.
Do you mean "patient"? Otherwise, it doesn't make sense.

If a smile show on my face without warning.
Do you mean "shows"? Also, a period seems incorrect. I know there's this idea that you can disregard punctuation in poetry, but that's not true. You need to use punctuation to help your point. Here, it hinders.

And phone line distance between you and me.
Again, I get the general idea, but it needs to be worded differently--do you mean "and A phone line'S distance between you and me"?

I think the changes would help to clarify things. *Smile*
2
2
Review by Rapunzel
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
         I saw your piece in this week's Short Stories Newsletter. *Smile*

Overall:
         I thought this was cynical, but very funny. I really enjoyed your attention to detail, especially details you made seem realistic--it's just a great effort.

Copyediting:
         I'm training to be a copyeditor, so while these corrections may seem small, they do align with common style standards.

*Bullet*The last sentence of your first paragraph:
*Thumbsdown*F.B.I.
*Check1*F. B. I.
*Note*Reoccurring instances--the piece has other places where this error occurs.

*Thumbsdown*academy
*Check1*Academy

*Bullet*The last sentence of your second paragraph:
*Thumbsdown*hault
*Check1*halt

*Bullet*The second sentence of your fifth paragraph:
*Thumbsdown*high ranking
*Check1*high-ranking

*Bullet*The last sentence of your fifth paragraph:
*Thumbsdown*chimmneys
*Check1*chimneys

*Bullet*The second sentence of your sixth paragraph:
*Thumbsdown*...had become a place infested with...
*Check1*...had become infested with...

*Bullet*The last sentence of your seventh paragraph:
*Thumbsdown*deceivingly worded
*Check1*deceivingly-worded

*Thumbsdown*...out of work, and many turned...
*Check1*...out of work--many turned...

*Bullet*The fourth sentence of your eighth paragraph:
*Thumbsdown*U.S.
*Check1*U. S.
*Note*Reoccurring instances--the piece has other places where this error occurs.

*Thumbsdown*Shopping
*Check1*shopping

*Bullet*The last sentence of your eighth paragraph:
*Thumbsdown*McDonalds
*Check1*McDonald's

*Thumbsdown*Dunkin Donuts
*Check1*Dunkin' Donuts

*Bullet*The second sentence of your last paragraph:
*Thumbsdown*sweatshop operating
*Check1*sweatshop-operating

Final Thoughts:
         I really enjoyed this piece, and my corrections are more surface errors and technicalities than anything else. Thanks for sharing!

         For further information on how I review: "Invalid Item.

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3
3
Review by Rapunzel
Rated: E | (3.5)
I think that you have a great idea here, but you need to perhaps reorganize and refocus. A lot of the piece is through your eyes, but by doing this, you remove the experience from the reader. By starting with your fourth line to the eighth line, that is the pulp of your piece, where, with further description, you're going to give the experience of a "dark chaos" to your reader. You should give definition to the scene before bringing it back to the speaker's internal point of view. Hope that helps!
4
4
Review by Rapunzel
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nice job! I really like the parallels drawn in each stanza as each situation changes.

You might consider putting the line, "How can she be this way!", in quotations, since it's the only line literally spoken in the poem. You also might want to consider using a question mark in place of or along with the exclaimation point since the line is in the form of a question. You could get away with saying it is part of the style of the poem, though, if you wish to leave it the same.

I love the phrase "turned turncoat". Very poetical. *Smile*

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