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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/toddtnelson
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7 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by ToddT
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Lynda,

Very informative piece. It gives a brief summary of what lighthouses are and where they came from. I would like to have seen a little more exposition, though. For example, the Pharos Light. You described it, and yes, it was of an impressive size, but are there any stories related to it? A lighthouse that stood for 1500 years must have some lore, be it real or embellished.

I am not sure what your intended audience is, but anecdotes always help. They help keep the interest of children and adults alike. Just some food for thought.

Good job!
-T
2
2
Review by ToddT
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hi Nemesis,

This is very cleanly written, I found nearly no mistakes, the "how" in para 5, the "at" in para 15 needs to be capitalized "At first. . .", "uncle" when referring to "Uncle Peter", etc. . ., but nothing of real note. It seems like it could be a very interesting story.

I do have a couple of criticisms, though. First, it is very short. The description says that it's chapter 1, but it is too short to be a chapter. Yes, I know, there are many shorter chapters out there in the literary world, but this is short by conventional standards, and, if you're looking to get published, conventional standards are your friend.

Second, it is a little bland. The subject is good, probably exciting even, but the piece doesn't really convey that excitement. Maybe a little more description would help, describe the room they're in, their clothes maybe. The dialogue is well written, maybe you could give some more detail about their expressions? I suspect Uncle Peter would be a little more annoyed about being dismissed so summarily after bringing Liam something he clearly thought was very important.

Overall, I think it has a lot of promise. Good job!

-T
3
3
Review by ToddT
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Moomintroll,
Interesting quiz. I didn't do as well as I thought I would, and I did learn quite a few things, assuming you have done your research.

Are all the "correct" answers verifiably correct? I am not doubting your statements, but I am curious. I realize that the answers would rely on the teachings and books of Christianity, and not academic books, but I was surprised by some of them.

Anyway, good job, and thanks for the info!

-T
4
4
Review by ToddT
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Bard!

Being from Maine, I couldn't really pass on this, could I? I know very little about poetry (considerably more about lobsters...), but I think I can make some useful comments. First off, it fits your description very well "A light-hearted ode". I'm not sure about the rhythm, it seems you could change the meter a little to be more effective. For example, the first 3 stanzas are 7-7-8-7, 8-6-8-6, and 7-6-7-6 respectively. If you removed the "an" from para 1, it would be 7-7-8-6, and the first 7 stanzas would end on 6 syllables. Just some food for thought.
Overall, it was cute, fun, and easy to say. Something I might use to teach some of my ESL students. Good luck!
-T
5
5
Review of Good morning!  
Review by ToddT
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi druid,
Good job! I mean you labelled this as a "vignette", and it truly is. ("a short impressionistic scene that focuses on one moment or character that leaves an impression about a character, an idea, setting, and/or object.") It is very short, but you used the words well, and I think it leaves the desired impression about 3 of the 4: character, idea, and setting.
There is very little wrong with it grammatically, but you did hit on one of my pet peeves. In paragraph 6, you used the word "it's" as a possessive, the possessive form is "its", if you use an apostrophe, it's always the abbreviated form of "it is". There are a couple of other things, but they are mostly stylistic.
I think it has real potential to become part of something larger. A short story? Novella? Novel?
Good luck!
-T
6
6
Review by ToddT
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Gita,
Let me preface this by saying that I don't know anything about poetry. That being said, I really liked it. It inspires emotion, it is succinct, and you get a real feel for what's going on in the writers head. I know I should make suggestions for improvement, but I don't really have any. Maybe you could incorporate a little symbolism? I think it's good the way it is, though.
Good job!

-T
7
7
Review of Game Models  
Review by ToddT
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Jeffhans, interesting piece.

I think it has some real potential for further development. There are a couple of things that I would like to mention.

First, try rereading the text through the eyes of an editor, read it aloud to yourself. There are some things that won't show up in the spell checker, but should be addressed: I.e. in Para 3 "cleaning routing" should be "cleaning routine" (I think), and there are various problems with verb agreement throughout the piece. Now, these are not serious problems, but remember, anything that bumps the reader a little bit out of the story makes it harder to get them back.

Second, try to be more descriptive of how things affect you. It is all well and good to describe the system and what it does, but how does it actually affect your life? How does it make you feel? Would other people want this? Is there any downside/negative effect?

I think I could see this becoming a good story with a little more development. For example, you mentioned banking; was this foreshadowing for a problem later? Or, you mentioned fitness frequently, was this foreshadowing some future benefit? How does this system affect society? It seems like it might limit social interaction, what do you think?

I hope you find my comments helpful! Good luck!!

-T
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