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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/vamarvin
Review Requests: ON
12 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Unexpected Gift  
Review by vada
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Morgan!

First, congratulations on your win with the contest entry. I love the friends to lovers premise, and was rooting all the way for your very likable hero/heroine. I love the title, very apt. I realize this was written some time ago, but would like to make a few suggestions. I did not quite believe that the two-year-old Janie, though advanced for her age, would have remembered Eric so well if, as it sounded, they hadn't seen each other in a year. Smirked--you used this 3 or 4 times, and I know this is a personal pet-peeve, but I have seen it way over used in books lately. Better, if possible, to go deeper into the characters emotions as I believe this is a form of lazy writing(something I struggle with myself!) Last, the final scene had a few POV switches. I am not a POV purist as some, but I thought the switches a bit extreme. Better, when possible, to show the other character's reactions through body language and dialogue, when possible. I hope my review has been at least a little helpful. Take care, and keep writing! Vada
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Review of The Letter.  
Review by vada
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Sarah,

I saw your short story in the Romance Newsletter and enjoyed reading it. I did see some areas where I believe it could be tightened. Of course, these are just my opinions. A couple places I believe could use a comma: before-Laura knew she was in love and before-he told her how much he loved her. Also, though it's common to use the he said/she asked type dialogue tags, I personally prefer to use dialogue tags only when needed. In several cases, you've used a dialogue tag with an action tag in which the action tags would be enough. Example: Instead of Laura asked quietly, simply, Laura dropped her eyes/*gaze to the table. *Here Gaze would work better as her eyes don't drop. Watch ING words to make prose more active. Example: Instead of holding/making, how about-- she held the ring out so firelight caught at the diamond? An occasional confusing sentence with words missing. Example: hope with what he had the same way Celia. He worked out she was almost suicidal is another confusing sentence. This is a good relationship story and I think with some revisions it can be even better. I say good riddance to David. Laura definitely made the right decision. I do hope my suggestions are helpful. Vada
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Review of I've Had Enough  
Review by vada
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Winnie,

I saw your piece in the Embracing other Cultures' Newsletter and was intrigued by the excerpt. This is a fun short story. I thoroughly enjoyed it. The only nit that I picked up is that I believe a comma belongs after his friend, the principal.

Happy Writing! Vada
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Review of Stay  
Review by vada
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi JP, This poem is very well written and understandable. I can't see a single thing to change. Keep writing! Vada
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5
Review by vada
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello Aqua,
You have put together two of my favorite 'tropes', a shy character and arranged marriage. Some things to watch for: correct tense as in using 'ing' instead of 'ed', misspelled words as in ceeks instead of cheeks. Also, wouldn't Robert know about the families knowing one another? Could the info be given in his thoughts? To tighten, you could delete, Robert thought to self and even when you didn't need it, both in first exchange. I found the beginning of scene between Robert and Jenna confusing. Is Robert sweating now or had he when proposing? How long have they been married? Have they consummated marriage? I think that's important to this piece to reveal (or perhaps that's just something I want to know.) Good luck with your writing and Write On! Vada
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Review of Red Dress  
Review by vada
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This is my first review! This is a good 'tease', I would like to know more about this couple's relationship. I just have a couple of 'nits'. I would delete 'to be' from to be cropped so would read Her hair--recently cut,cropped against ect. tightens the prose a bit. Then you could delete As, from as I stood. Could read something like --I stood in the doorway and watched my beautiful artist draw....ect. Just my opinion, of course. It's your story and your decision how to write it. Keep writing! vada
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