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205 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Walkinbird
Rated: E | (4.0)
An informative piece that indirectly raises a good question. Should each of us have a port piece that documents the meaning each give the rating numbers?

A couple of technical points for the author: Okay, you use spellcheck, that's a step above many people. Here's what you missed. In your second line the word "list" should be "listed." Third paragraph, last line "author's" should be "authors'." Then there's a space needed before each use of parentheses - however that may have been a ML Writing format or programming error the author had no control over.
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Review by Walkinbird
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
I never really thought of spiritualism as a religion, but then I've never been introduced to a spiritualist. For this I give JudasFm kudos for broadening my horizons. Spiritualism has been documented at best as an interest among writers and thinkers of the Nineteeth Century; at it's pinicle, perhaps, in popular culture with Houdini's fascination. A cheaper form of "understanding" may have been introduced in modern movies. Specifically, Poltergeist, Ghost, The Sixth Sense and White Noise come to mind. All that said, I want to point out that I think JudasFm does a credible job of explaining what is wrong with the majority of people's views toward her beliefs. I'll be the first to admit that taking any information from a Hollywood view of things is wrong - easy, but wrong.

To be a well-rounded article, however, I think the writer could broaden the ending rather than try to finish it up quickly so we are all better able to stay on topic. I'd like to have a better understanding of why talking to departed spirits is devotional. A definition of "religion" per Dictionary.com is:
1. a. Belief in and reverence for a supernatural power or powers regarded as creator and governor of the universe.
b. A personal or institutionalized system grounded in such belief and worship.
The best definition to apply to this writer's context (and this is simply from the information supplied in the article, so it may not be the most applicable definition in fact) is:
4. A cause, principle, or activity pursued with zeal or conscientious devotion.

This opinion piece needs to have a firmer foundation than "live and let live," I think. I do not believe in the Devil, so I would not be finding fault with JudasFm on that front anyway. It's just that as an article of explanation, it leaves me more curious than satisfied.
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Review of If I Had an Angel  
Review by Walkinbird
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Your story is engrossing. Let me say first off, however, I believe you can make it much stronger by writing more entries. Make it an agonizing wait for the end if you like. My pleasure to have you ask for a review from the Fantasy Review Room. Here's my suggestions.

Last line in the first paragraph needs reworking…. “and even though I am very familiar with how it will go down, or maybe because I am, I shudder…” that statement is repeating rather than clarifying.

“Without the unlikely….” (Sixth line, fourth paragraph) try to keep clarity and avoid this double negative

(Many of the descriptive lines after, “I can recognize them all now.”) Cumbersome – break them up, (even if you have to employ parentheses). That’s not to imply the descriptions are at all wrong. This is a very strong part of the story. Don’t make your reader rush through it by presenting every demonic description in one continuous line.

Problem – why can’t this man just carry a torch to the camp of fellow men in good supply? I know it’s an allegory, but as you introduced the others nearby, my mind comes to this conclusion once I came to understand that while his fire has dimmed, the demons ARE still held at bay. Is there something to add to your allegory that explains reluctance or shame keeping him from contact with others in the same situation?
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Review by Walkinbird
Rated: E | (4.5)
Ah, my friend, your life is blessed. It is wonderful to have someone describe their own theological impressions and choices in written form. And for the interested Tolkien fan, I think you have done an excellent service to readers by incorporating that favorite author's lesser known work to illustrate your point about discord being allowed in the Creator's musical score.
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Review by Walkinbird
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A thoroughly engrossing read - those crafting in the genre of Science Fiction so often fail to hook the reader quickly enough through anything beyond immediate battle. I only sense some male-centeredness that's distasteful, but dismiss it in the moment, as it could be integral to the overall social context of this story and character development. So, that said, the story unfolds with good drama based in everyday interactions - the cloak and dagger, political history, quantum mechanics lessons slipping in pretty effortlessly. Intergalactic war looms, but it is not the jumping off point for this story - my thanks. It's much more satisfying to me when it's laid out more like a mystery - threads and quick character intros twine together to the subtle but strong lure of what the story leads to.

This story is meaty with the promise of action. There's a sweet layer of social commentary easily infusing the backstory. Intelligent, and wordy in a way I relish. I want to keep reading, as it all comes off feeling genuine, eventhough I know it is fiction.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
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Review of The Silent Reply  
Review by Walkinbird
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
What a blessed turn of phrases - It hurts my heart to know the truth of it. I have been close to the caregiving for both age spectrums. Having ragged nerves does allow careless words to erupt. The title and the line you used from the piece as the brief description works very well.

Please correct the typo "gew" at "The child (grew)." I noticed the rhyme scheme stopped at the line ending with "Please look and see." I wouldn't rewrite, necesarily, but this thought popped in my head, "This scrape is not the only one." And know that the power of the message transcends these minor points.
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Review by Walkinbird
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The opening paragraph of the story is graphic and descriptive. Not only are you receiving images of a wild, desperate landscape, but, as the title suggests, a state of mind. This is not just a mood piece, it has deeper levels of meaning. Read on, and you get that taste of eeriness that television's Twilight Zone used to deliver when it aired in syndication at midnight.

Like those satisfying quick trips "to another dimension," this story is over suddenly, but it is perhaps one of those times when it is best to let the reader's mind ponder its logical(?) or possible conclusions.
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Review of Item Statistics  
Review by Walkinbird
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I am very appreciative for this explanation on the benefit of item Stats. I did run into a point where my head was swimming, so that by the time I reached the section: A Realistic Example with Analysis, I skipped then had to go back in to get the full understanding; This may be more my fault than the author's
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Review of Dark Dreams  
Review by Walkinbird
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is at the first draft stage; much fine-tuning yet to be done. It draws from classic story archetypes and closely follows the form of the Moses story, yet also has touch of the Cinderella story. If inspired from Tolkien, (our protagonist is a elf princess, with a name in Quenya form)it is on the right track in drawing from the form of a biblical story. Working on keeping the tense of all sentences uniform will create a major improvement.
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Review by Walkinbird
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
I see a good deal of potential in the opening of this work. Some Background has been laid in a brief preface, Two sets of experience in the vampyre society are then juxtaposed in the resulting first chapter.

There are editing issues that spellcheck can't catch (the use of they're for their, as an example.)

Mostly, I suggest a rework that takes a hard look at how much is being just stated, rather than shown or described. At one point a new word is introduced (a vampyre word) and following it in parentheses is the factual translation, that it means "warrior." Really this needs to be shown. Don't settle for dictating or providing captions, That's too stand-offish.

Dialogue for the most part is believable. An example that could be reworked is: "....That is a quality every Vampyre doesn't possess." It can be written without the negative contraction to sound more natural. Maybe as: "Hard-headedness is a rare Vampyre quality."
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Review of Dream Traveler  
Review by Walkinbird
Rated: E | (3.0)
In this freeform poem, I like the brief descriptions of starscapes and space travel.

Images are also presented linguistically, in what I believe is a purposefully awkward form. It gives the poem some symetry, but makes it feel alien.

The ending is too swift - There is the introduction of warring races and then it touches on a love, a possible relationship, but that's where it ends and the two parts seem disjointed without the followthrough on what the love is imagined to become.
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Review by Walkinbird
Rated: E | (5.0)
I used to love making lullabyes for my children when they were babes awake at 2-4am. Usually I relied on replacing words to old lullabyes, not taking a completely original take.

So, how beautiful for me to see this tribute to Jean. He is blessed to be brought up in a house full of love, and to be taught it is so from his mother's lovely words. And it is both lovely and lyrical in both English and Spanish, my friends.
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Review of For Eric  
Review by Walkinbird
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I follow the narrative nature of this poem well. I often find it difficult to do so in much of the poetry I read, whether it s rhymed or freeform. A few words used are near-rhymes, but most choices are quite good.

The topic comes across as so personal and yet, it is of course universal for its touching upon single motherhood, separation or divorce, and child defiance
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Review by Walkinbird
Rated: E | (4.0)
I noted a few spelling errors that would not have been picked up by computer Spellcheck - words made posessive, when they did not need to be (just plural in most of the instances). I'm even willing to go through it again to point out the problem words. The technical aspects, however are not the main component to my review.

I enjoyed the retelling of this family Christmas, as it is unlike my personal experiences, yet knowing it is a truthful glimpse into this reservation lifestyle is important to me. It was sad to think of a large family being separate so much of the time due to boarding school arrangements.I feel the people being described is handled well. Even more physical description wouldn't hurt.
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Review of It Takes A Thief  
Review by Walkinbird
Rated: E | (4.0)
Quite a story, too bad the joyriding Chuckie didn't get service revolvers pointed at him! In a few places the sentences read a bit awkward. "Like a well precision mechanical instrument..." sounds like a straight redo of the cliche: "like a well oiled machine." Try to simplify, and it sounds better as, "Like a precise mechanical instrument."
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Review by Walkinbird
Rated: E | (4.0)
To even have an interest in the poetic form of the sonnet is an accomplishmnet in itself.

I would say your piece, Sonnet on a One-time Friend, is only missing some clarity. You mention that you intend to write an explanation for this sonnet soon. Before you do that, maybe just rework your choice of words. Especially the final line, it needs to be stronger, not forced in language, as it now seems (there's plenty of option to rhyme with "late").

I think some authors often find it very difficult to be truthful when writing at the height of the turmoil. You build walls around the source of the emotion rather than expressing the actual feeling. I can guess this has happened here, based on your topic.

Also, try to resolve this: if you would forgive the friend, then the truce perhaps is late, but not "too late." That phrasing holds a finality that is counter to your imagined change of heart.
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Review by Walkinbird
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Your description worked to draw me in, like any good newpaper headline, photo caption, or movie tagline. I think I was expecting something quite different based on it. That's OK; my first read-through was just a jumble, though. That's the problem with pre-judging. Ultimately I caught on by the second half, and had a better appreciation of the topic.

I suggest a tweak to the awkwardness of this line: 'The little letters commence militant rituals,
condemning me for imagined sins
despite I gave birth to their words."

"despite giving birth" is an option.

Also, to give the beginning more emotional punch, the language shouldn't be so distant (?) vague as to the cause of discontent. To use "men deceiving women" avoids the truth of "I have been hurt by _____."

Thank you for the good read.
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Review by Walkinbird
Rated: E | (3.5)
I got confused by your organization, but much enjoyed your thorough list. I think between me and my spouse nearly all have been watched. (That either garners us yet another *G*E*E*K sticker each, or stands as proof of our long-standing gaming mentalities still being intact.)

Is the one you can't remember: Day of the Triffids?

You should check out/try your hand at Spidey's Sci-Fi Movie Trivia! (Search for it)
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Review by Walkinbird
Rated: E | (3.5)
There is beautiful imagery here, and I feel it is ably assisted by the color-combination words chosen. Using color this way definitely directs the reader to muse over sunset memories, plus the additional visual element of the lake opens up the imagination. It's marvelous to think that no one would ever have the same image stray through his or her mind upon reading this poem.

The second stanza did pull me out of the experience, as I lost the sense of this piece describing sunset by mentioning "the promise of a new day
Coming to me after the sleepless night"

Fortunately, the poet's lyrical powess shows me that it can be reworked for clarity with little problem.

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Review of Yellow rose  
Review by Walkinbird
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
The first sentence gives a clear image. The next three are lyrical statements, but muddy or mixed in my opinion.

But, understand, I appreciate poetry that has a message and many poets are very straightforward in stating that that is not what poetry (especially free verse) is for them.

If this author is trying to attach emotion to the flower or from the rose's perspective ("thy heart"), more explanation might help. Secondly, using the word "flurry" then "unruffled" is part of what I find mixed.
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Review by Walkinbird
Rated: E | (4.0)
I enjoyed the read. I had a little trouble with the final line of the first stanza. The turned-around sentence structure where most other lines come out as a question seem to work OK, but getting the brain to accept that first one, caused a short stall. Still nice for what I perceive was a relaxed(?) twenty minute effort.
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Review by Walkinbird
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Nebraskan:

I am giving you a review on your writing, not your politics. I found your style to be well-developed for a young writer. Perhaps you already have some journalistic experience in school? My point being, I think you come off as well as many professional opinion writers. If this were a full-fledged article, it would be your job to show more specific examples of the vagueness you are trying to identify in the candidate's words.
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Review of Peace  
Review by Walkinbird
Rated: E | (3.5)
There's simple, clear imagery in your piece.
I think there is more you can do to expand on it.
"Forever changing but always the same."
Think on that one; it can be both in referenct to the ocean and the wave rider.
You can strengthen the "voice" of this poem by removing a qualifier:
"Feeling as if ..."
My favorite line follows:
"I'm floating forever on the sea of eternity."
It stands alone well.
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Review by Walkinbird
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Right on! I'm am happily, blissfully, ragelessly not missing a minute of television by working a late (primetime)shift and sleeping during the daytime. Turning off the satelites is the first step. And you may be right, we may not want to be advertising our ludicrous existance to the Universe. Too bad we can't control how far the bandwidth travels.
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Review by Walkinbird
Rated: E | (5.0)
Colors, colors, I love it! LAbor Day doesn't seem such a so-so holiday anymore when I realize it coincides with Writing.com's birthday. Special contests and things like this that suddenly change the everyday appearance (and scripting! -quadruple points-Yay!)really do spice things up! Thanks to all contributing to the 2004 Party Central.
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